Finding M

Spumoni - Its the Flavor of All Months

2009-08-11T21:56:00.000-04:00

In my short time here on nature’s glorious earth, I have learned so many lessons; so many important lessons that should guide me effortlessly through life. Things that should hold my hand and help me keep from making a total and complete ass of me; yet I still do them. Why is that? Why do I allow myself to make a jerk of myself even when I know what the outcome will be?

Because its easy – I allow myself that cup of ice cream I shouldn’t have, the extra glass of Mr. Vino when I’ve had too much, or to blow off a day of working out when I had carbs for breakfast. I indulge myself more than I should and it’s beginning to be a repeat pattern in my life. I wonder if Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates or Michael Phelps have these same issues??? If I sit and pontificate that notion, I guess they do because despite being on top of the world - Oprah is fat, Bill is an introverted nerd and Michael is a pothead. I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

What has me thinking like this? What has Meredith been contemplating and turning around in her head as she sips on another glass of the blasted Mr. Vino???? (Mmmm another yummy indulgence).

Last week I emailed my ex-boyfriend (GASP THE HORROR) – the most recent in a calamity of men. He said he wanted to “keep in touch,” and I took that literally. So after a few weeks and when I felt up to it, I emailed him and told him that I found a job (finally) and that I was in fact taking a trip to Vegas like I was thinking about. Did I hear from him? No of course not. Why would he want to hear that I had moved on with my life while he was just as miserable as the day we broke up???? Silly me for thinking that he really did want to keep in touch –and they say us women are the hard ones to understand. Pfffft – whatever.

I’ve moved on – of course. I’m resilient and if you know one iota about me, then you know I don’t weep for too long; I push forward, and bounce back. I can’t help it. Why would I risk a moment of laughter to cry and be something I’m not? Sure I miss him at times, but I don’t miss the drama – I miss the good stuff that COULD HAVE been us. Not the stuff that really was. Big difference….and that is EXACTLY why I was able to move on so quickly – and Tracy thought I was being so resilient and strong. Nah, I figured out that we as romantically inclined “Twilight” reading women do that – we agonize over the “what if’s” and not so much the “what is.” Think about it. I’ll give you a moment to talk amongst yourselves.

Another reason why I beat myself up is because if I do meet someone new, I don’t know how to let it naturally progress. I seem to always want more. When I was younger, it was effortless – because I didn’t know what I was doing, and what direction it could go in. I hadn’t reached the multitude of hurt love could inflict yet. I just kind of went with my gut – and I landed on my feet. Nowadays, I know all the stupid directions it could go and how easily it could get fucked up, so I inevitably debate and I turn over in my head all the friggin possibilities instead of letting it flow and ebb.

Ahhhhh but that’s just it. I’m older now – shit I’m THIRTY FUCKING TWO YEARS OLD – I can’t let boys annoy me and pull my hypothetical pigtails. I’m ready to push on, do me (literally if I have to) and sigh with awkward resignation that life as I know it JUST may be companionly challenged.

I know with full force, and my friends who have seen me in action and survived the cursed woes of my relationships past standing with their middle fingers pointed in the air right alongside me can attest - I will always meet someone who wants ME to be THEIR flavor of the month – but I’m not looking for that anymore. This time I want to be the favorite of all time – the unquestionable answer to the debate of which is better – the chocolate OR the vanilla. Not some concoction of in-between soft ice cream swirl.

I’m my own flavor – I’m more like spumoni than anything – but that’s just it – who likes spumoni? Not only that – what man knows what the fuck that is?

Sigh…..AGAIN I resign to be just me - Meredith B. To love me and all of my own fucked up…. mixed up…. glorious…… tantalizing……strong flavors of Meredith….with a side of nuts of course.

Failure is Not an Option

2009-08-04T21:11:00.000-04:00

It is not an option. I need to find happiness. I need to find it on my own and how it works for me. I’ve been through too much to allow more shit in my life. Again, I allowed someone in, and despite my gut feelings, I ignored them and got hurt again. It is no one’s fault but my own. No really, I get that. It has been pounded into my forehead, by myself, over and over again. But I trust easily and I am the forever willing romantic.

The good thing is I didn’t let it stop me. I was aware of the situation and I moved forward rather fast. Is that crazy? Nah, I think if anything it was proof positive that I need to read my gut more often. I need to just stop once in a while and make those tough decisions for myself no matter how hard they are.

Where did this all come from anyway Meredith? I’ll tell you.

Last week was just a rough one. I’m beginning to think that once a month I hit an estrogen low and then I get in a funk. Was it another break up….mmmmm maybe, although like I said, I saw it coming and before the official “end” I had already started moving on. Perhaps it was the fact that I graduated college – FUCKING FINALLY – and I didn’t have a job.

Was it so delusional of me to think I would go to school, get me degree and find a job? Isn’t that the natural way things are supposed to go? Oh that’s right, we’re in the life of Meredith and nothing goes according to plan. I do it all backwards and I learn everything the hard way. Thank god, I learn though. I will say that much.

Here I am, no boyfriend, no job, kinda in a world of limbo meandering about waiting. But that’s it – I’m not waiting, I’ve been taking the profound, “Bull by the Horns” and been looking for a job….and been out on the town looking for a man. Ok well not really. I don’t actually look (or hunt shall we say) for a man. I’m too old for that shit. I can’t do it anymore. They come to me – problem is, they are always so much younger. Urgh – I’m over that. Never again another too young man for me. I might look friggin young, but I can’t be with someone who hasn’t seen even an eighth of what I have been through.

Sigh….so Meredith is single again…..again. I knew it would happen. Oh well. But the job thing – that’s what is so killing me. Tomorrow I do in fact have an interview, but it is in sales and it is commission. I guess beggers can’t be choosers right?

Double sigh…..but I will persevere. I have no alternative. I must amp myself up and take charge once again. I must know that it will never be an easy path for me. I must know that is not the luck I have. I must know, that this too shall pass.

Shit.

2009-02-09T22:36:00.001-05:00

Can we talk?

Let me say what I gotta say and then we'll be good.

I walk around here and get hit on or "looks" from 90% of the men in this place. Hell I've turned down half the team. But that's all ok and easily dealt with because I expect it. It's a fact of life in this field and it rolls right off of me like water on feathers; no problem.

And to some extent I'm even ok with what you said. You were drinking. I get it. Basically everyone was having a good time. Men usually confess such things, and this is no isolated incident.. But it's what you said right before that that eats at me. "I can't hire you because."

What is that??? I've been begging you for the chance to prove to you that I am smart and that I am capable. I've told you that you need to know that I can write a coherent thought and I am in fact a competent individual. Those…those words sliced me in two!

I was upset for a minute and then I realized that you needed to know something.

Perhaps I don't know adversity the way you know it. I'm not the first African American in your position and of your stature. I do know that I am a divorced woman. I do know that I can't have children. I know that I was once in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. But I survived them. And it might have taken me 12 years, but I graduate this summer, paid for by yours truly. So if this IS a dead end, I will find another route to get my ass into the profession of my dreams because in a long line of stepping stones to where I want to be….this is only a pebble. I hope you understand that.

I've said my peace and we're good now.

I will leave you though, with a word of advice. Texting an apology is not only a bad publicity move when trying to avoid real trouble, but evidence. Be careful next time.

Again

2009-01-21T14:26:00.001-05:00

We had been mis-communicating for months. It was one strained conversation after another and something was always feeling "off" about us. Finally after putting myself through silent torture I decided to speak up because I could not go another day making pretend – the big elephant in the room suffocating me drawing all the breath from my lungs. As usual, we had just been on the phone together and it was yet more stupid banter with no substance. Immediately after putting the phone down, I grabbed it again and texted him (god I hate texting), but I wrote, "What is wrong with us? Why can't we communicate like we used to?" – To my horror he replied, "I don't know. I think my feelings have changed."

It was the answer I KNEW about, but the sword still slashed at my neck, throat, heart and stomach. He severed me. I didn't waste time and dialed his ass right there and had the conversation he was too coward to breach. We spoke about how the few weeks leading up to that moment had been unfulfilling, and how awkward things had been. Despite me trying to speak to him, I don't think I got a whole lot of answers. No - he still cared about me, no - he wasn't seeing anyone else, and yes - he could yell from the mountain tops I am an unbelievable woman. "Do you still want to be with me?" I asked. That's when he did the absolute worst thing he could have done……he hesitated.

GASP! Why would hesitation be worse than the word no? Because it meant he was a coward, it meant he didn't have the balls to say what he meant leaving me to stand in limbo like he been doing for so many weeks. But guess what? It blew up in his face. I've dealt with indecisive men before so I didn't give him the chance to respond, instead my self-preservation blurted out, "No, you don't get to answer. It doesn't matter what you say, you hesitated and I will not be with someone who hesitates. I….deserve….better"

It wasn't immediately about pride, it wasn't about making him feel bad, it was about getting it over with. If I had sat there and kept talking to him we probably could have resolved stuff – probably could have worked through it and tried to continue. But I had had enough. I was done trying and was incredibly upset because I had to be the strong one, the one who broached the subject, the one who had to end it all.

Do I regret saying that? No not at all. Actually it's the one proud moment from that conversation I take away with pride. And to this moment I don't feel wrong for feeling that way. The man I'm going to spend my life with won't hesitate, he knows blue and true he wants to be with me through any storm. The man I want to be with doesn't need to think, its instinct.

In recent days I've had a multitude of vivid dreams about him. Little things still trigger memories of him that ultimately lead to dreaming about him at night. I wind up waking up in the morning still feeling like I belong to someone….someone still loves me, thinks about me and wants to wrap his arms around me. But that's just it; we were in a long distance relationship so those things didn't happen on the regular. It has me believing that I miss the idea of him and not so much him.

To this day I still grapple with some things. I have some unresolved issues and normally I'm very good with introspection, but this one has me confused. It has me wondering why I can't exactly forget about him. He wasn't the end all be all, he wasn't even someone I considered spending the rest of my life with, but on the flip side, he never gave me a reason not to date him, not to be with him. Perhaps its just me being let down AGAIN, not wanting to believe that I let someone in AGAIN and they only hurt me…AGAIN.

Facebook Forward....Not So Much

2009-01-13T22:36:00.001-05:00

I received one of those "Forwards" from a friend on Facebook – (God do you get this shit also???) – anyway I deleted it and ignored it because it only mildly intrigued me and wasn't enough to take my attention away from the other list of 50 some odd things to be accomplished in the next 24 hours. But as other people responded, I thought to myself – what would be the 16 things I want others to know about me? Should I talk about pet peeves, loves of my life or that I secretly like to pick at my toenails when I get out of the shower? I decided not to. Not because I cared if they judged me, but because everyone has a little gross thing they do in private. It just wasn't special enough. No it had to be more than just an idiosyncrasy so common it was expected. If I was going to take time out and sit at my computer it had to be things I've never shared. I sat for a moment and let it flow – my fingers began moving across the keys and a list flowed out of me – no effort. I'm sharing this here because when it boiled right down to it, I wasn't sure if a few people could take my honesty. Oh well, for my own purposes, its here now.

My hands are not feminine…yes they are small, but they look just like my dad's meat hooks.
I've known how to do stained glass since I was 6. Unfortunately I have not practiced in a VERY long time. Its something my dad and I spent many hours doing in our garage.
The first words out of my mouth when my ex-husband proposed were "you are so not doing this to me." That should have been a sign.
Which brings me to the fact that I have been proposed to more than once, but I said no. I do not plan to get married ever again. It's something I have thought long and hard about and most people do not believe me when I say this. For some reason they think I'm blowing smoke up their ass. Go figure.
I made varsity softball my freshman year in high school and quit 5 weeks later so I could become a lifeguard. Which I did for 2 years….but I made varsity again so no worries.
I can hold my breath for two minutes and have swam the length of an Olympic size pool under water. I heart the water and have loved scuba diving since my first time in St. Lucia. One day when I'm making money again I would like to get my license.
I can draw just about anything but find no inspiration to do so. Put an object in front of me and no problem – consider it done, but I can't make anything up from my imagination.
I fear nothing and I'm dead ass when I say it. I used to fear heights, but no more – I've overcome that fear. Three years ago I went through a lot personally and ever since then, I know I can do it all, see it all and be whatever I want because life only began after that. I admit, that yes I don't like bugs, but that's just because if there is someone else to deal with it, why should I?
I know what age I'm going to die. Don't ask me because it freaks most people out and I don't need to brag about it. I just know that 2 out of 3 of my premonitions have come to fruition – the last hasn't happened yet because it's the age I'm speaking of. I'm ok with this. No really, I am. I decided if anything, it's a push to live my life richer because what's the worst that happens….I don't die and I've done more with myself…….
…..Which leads me to this point - I have a list of 50 things I want to do before I die. I've accomplished eight and will complete a ninth by the end of 2009. (Scuba diving is on that list….then again so is being a contestant on "the Price is Right."
If there was one thing I could change about my body, I'd make my hair thicker. I like me the way I am – sure I'd love to lose 10 more pounds, but I'm comfortable just as is.
This is the first time in my life I am in debt, but I know that this too shall pass.
I owned my first house when I was 23.
I have no regrets in life. Not one. If I lived in the past, I would never see my glorious future.
The last time I lost my temper was in May 2005. I put my fist through a window and vowed to never allow anyone to ever get me down or get that much of a rise out of me ever again. So far, so good. No one, nothing is worth that much energy. If you think you can do it, go ahead try, most likely I'll walk away from you.

I will give just about anything one try, whether its food or friendship. I try to expand my horizons because many times in my life, I have done so and come out better for it.

15 Credits and a Degree in Miscellaneous

2009-01-12T22:13:00.000-05:00

That's what I'm taking right now. 15 credits, and I can tell you right now, I'm lost in about 2 of the 5 classes right now. I'm not sure if its because these are theoretical classes or because I just can't pay attentioin. Ok that's not fair. I pay attention 90% of the time. Don't judge me - NO ONE can pay attention 100% of the time - let's be honest.

I've got this one class though, its called Rhetorical Criticism. It's ok I guess. I mean I understand everything the professor is talking about, but then he's all over the place. I'm not sure if its th elanguage barrier or just his pure enthusiasm for the subject. Oh and he's got this wild black curly hair that's all over the place - he speaks with a thick French accent and he's Polish. All I can say is that he's very interesting to watch to say the least. He's a little weird looking, but oddly attractive - perhaps I just need to take a cold shower and I'm lowering my standards as a result of my personal drought....but I digress.

Too bad I didn't get credits for the men I date - or have dated. I don't know, if that were the case I might never graduate. It's like each man represents another course that I've either failed or passed and moved on from. When I graduate school will I find my man - like receiving a diploma? That would be nice, I could handle that time frame.

Recently though I admit that I still think about my last boyfriend and I'm not 100% sure why. I cared a lot about him, but even when we were together I knew it wouldn't last, but I still loved him in my own way. He wasn't the love of my life, but he was important. I think because I have so many unanswered questions about him that I still think about him. All of this is coming up of course because I had a dream about him last night. So weird too. I dreamt that he was moving into a new apartment, actually it was an apartment in a house of someone he knew. Anyway, I was there to help him move and I think I asked him about us and he apologized in the dream for being mean to me - which he never was. He just simply didn't want to be with me anymore - asswipe couldn't even tell me that either, I made that decision for him. One day I'll explain, or not. Why would I dream about an apology anyway? Do I need one from him? I'm not really sure. We emailed each other in the beginning of December, but I haven't heard from him since - perhaps I was looking for more closure than I already possessed? Perhaps I'm just getting lonely again??? I'll take that answer before I'll accept that I miss him.

And this is what I DO NOT GET MOST OF ALL.....I'm a good looking girl. I've lost weight, I have a pretty face, I get hit on a lot - but I dont' get asked out on dates. Why is that? Do I ruin it with my big mouth? Actually someone told me the other day that I look intimidating. How so? Was that a compliment? I'm not really sure. All I do know is that its never been easier to meet men than now, yet nothing pans out for me. One day I'll tell you about Gman - another complicated, and misunderstood non-relationship of mine.

I've been single before, I've done the NO DATE, NO SEX thing - actually that lasted 2 years, but now, I would like to have someone to hold hands with - someone to kiss at night. Yet when I think about someone physically standing there holding my hand, I can't picture it. I don't see it nor do I feel it. Does that make sense? Do I need to "visualize the future" in order to attain it? Close my eyes and see a man there with me....Isn't that one of those self-help exercises they make you do? Hhhmmmm food for thought. But then I think about school and my career and I don't want a man complicating it. I'm not strong like so many others, I can't separate my career from men - that's something I need to learn and I might have even mentioned that before. If there is a God, perhaps he's making sure I stick to my plan before a man enters my life. Maybe, just maybe there is a bigger world order working in progress before I can move into a relationship.

Sigh....

We'll see.

I quit.

2008-04-11T21:33:00.000-04:00

Today was most certainly quite an interesting day.

I quit my job.

I've always had a touch of an impulsive side, but I've surpressed that to make sure I kept those types of decisions for emergencies only. Although this wasn't a case that involved physical harm of any sort, my sanity was in dire need of help and I simply allowed myself the the impulse.

I hate my job. Waitressing is good assuming you work at the right place. It SUCKS MONKEY BALLS if you work at a place that is slowly but surely going down the turd infested toilet hole. It's also good if the people you work with have somewhat of an idea what professionalism is. Perhaps I put too much faith in the general couth of fellow waiters and management in the food industry. My bad.

And don't even get me started on sexual harrassment... and I'm not talking about patrons.

Anyway, today I woke up in a bit of pain. I have back issues and due to the load of books I commute with on the daily combined with waitressing, it's been giving me issues. Long story short, I wasn't in the mood this morning. So when I get to work and they changed my schedule, yet again, it was the last straw. I'd had it. That was it. Done. Finite. No mas.

I won't get into the legistics of this whole scenario, but let's put it this way, I know I'm better than that, therefore, I know I can DO better than that. I immediately left, got in my car, and sought a new job. Cross your fingers but I think I already got a job at an art store close to home.

The problem I've had these last few months though is the fact that I can't work in an office right now because my schedule is too friggin crazy with classes. I have to find something only on the weekends. In addition, the art store is the same place I shop at for class and I've always thought it would be a neat place to work. I figure I'm not worse off than I was at the restaurant. At least I know I'll make "X" amount of dollars every weekend. I mean I didn't even make $100 last weekend. PA-THET-IC.

Hhhmm....what else can I tell you???

As for my honey. He's ok. He listened to me today complain about work and the reasons why I left and he was understanding and supportive....once again. He's good like that and a main factor why I'm still with him. Actually it will be a year come Memorial Day weekend. Nice right? Right now if I get this new job I doubt I'll be able to take off work to see him around the end of May, as well as the wedding he invited me to in June. As much as I would love to do both, I can't. It's going to be hard to decide which trip to take. If I see him in the end of May, then I'll see him for 10 days. If I go up in June for the wedding, I'll be back in classes and will only get 3 days with him (but I'll see my Jersey friends too).

Although long distance works for me right now, it's stupid decisions like this that make it tough. Not sure if that makes sense, but I feel like I need to be really picky about the time I spend with him. I want to maximize time exposure with him because in a few years one of us has to make "the move" and I don't want ANY surprises. Ya know? Of course this is assuming that we even last that long. I'm optimistic, but a realist.

Other than that, I'm a little lonely lately. Not in the romantic sense, although I could use a little chakka chakka with my man....I mean I miss the companionship of my friends. It wasn't any one person, even though a few stick out. I simply miss all there was to do and all those people to do it with. I contemplate going back when school is over. I know I will certainly look into it and send my resume up North. One thing i've learned, everything is worth a shot.

Alright well I gotta run and do some homework if I can get motivated enough. I feel like that is all I do is work and school. Oh right...that IS all I do.

Til next time....

Guess Who's Back? Back Again????

2008-03-21T21:42:00.000-04:00

So um….I think I’m back.

I know…I know. I’ve said this before, but I really miss it. I forgot that when I started this here blog it was because I felt alone. But this time I feel alone for a different and more positive reason. A foreign and new reason. I’m not love sick, heartbroken, or down and out. I’m making moves in my life…and I’m not talking just figuratively.

Jersey Girl moved to Atlanta, enrolled at GSU full time and will be receiving her degree (knock on wood), next summer. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m doing it. I’m living it, I’m being it, not dreaming it anymore.

Not impressed yet?

I’m dating someone good. Real good to me so far and guess what????....this relationship works for me.

Talk about change right? He lives in another state so he’s not muddling up my school schedule, taking my mind off what I have to get done here. At first it was a motivating factor to dating him, I knew there was no way I could allow a man to stop me, ever again so him not being in the same zip code sweetened the pot. Like I said, it works for me and that's all I can ask for because I’m so far into this goal of mine that when I stop to think about it, I swear it baffles me. I mean to think that it all started a few years ago as a mere passing daydream.

There is something to be said though about daydreams. If there is one thing I have learned in the last year, its that if you’re going to dream…..dream big. I am almost convinced that I’m on my way to accomplishing big things for myself just because I’ve gotten this far. Because I allowed myself to believe I could do it if I tried....I believed in myself.

It’s an absolutely wonderful feeling. I can’t describe it to you unless you’ve either tasted the same feeling or are guilty of actually achieving such goals.

I’ll go even FURTHER and state, that all those people that go on Oprah, (and I don’t care who the fuck you are, you’ve watched her and you know what she’s about). These everyday people, and even the “guru’s” go on her show to talk about great vast changes they made to their lives to achieve pretty substantial “WOW” factor goals. Well I’m believing in what they say. I believe it all. I’m sold. It’s all true, one small step leads to another small step and those steps make it up the stairs. I swear. It’s that’s simple. I can vouch for them.

HOLY SHIT!!! I sound like an infomercial. Alright I’ll stop, but yeh, I’m a believer.

Anyway, I’m a different lonely nowadays. I’m so busy with school and work that it gets lonely. I need to look for ways to deal with it again. I used to write to this blog daily and I’m going to try to start doing it again because it helped so much the first time. I have to admit though, I’m so out of it that I don’t even know if its still cool to write to a blog…..but I digress. This is for me remember? Who cares if anyone ever reads it again…..

And the award goes to.....

2007-02-16T16:59:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time I was hurt. I was hurt bad. Everyone of course has their own battles scars, and I would not only be naive, but plain stupid to believe I was alone in that aspect. We have our own tales of woe to tell of hurt and loved lost. And everyone has that "one" experience that tips the crazy scale personally where it was really hard to get over the relationship and said lover. I've always been a strong person, I've always known I'm a survivor, but those dark days were god awful and there was a time when I didn't know how I was going to pull myself out of it. I felt like I was in a ditch looking up at the small opening of the blue skies shining above. There was hope, but it was out of reach. That lasted weeks, almost months, and now its dwindled down to mere moments not whole days. In fact its been a long long time since I've even had a "moment." In recent months I've only prided myself on how independent and happy I've been because I've looked to my friends and family for the love I thought I was missing. And it worked like a charm, I feel as if the world is my oyster and I have so much to look forward to instead of looking back on.

But damn those sappy movies that they play surrounding Valentine's Day, for last night I had a "moment." Last night I slumped and fell back into it without so much as a flinch. It overcast a deep, dark shadow seeping through my pores and sinking my soul to a dark place I had forgotten how to navigate. To remedy that, I sat and I wrote, I let it all out and purged myself so that when I stood again, I stood stronger.

Its peculiar when I have those moments and then after I've regained focus to take a look back. I feel quite silly for ever having that lapse in strength, which ultimately eludes to questioning the path in which I have chosen. Evenutally I feel stupid for allowing the hurt to creep in and wrestle with my emotions. One side of me is saying, "Be strong, suck it up, you're better than any of this." The other is saying, "let it out, just let it go." I find a happy medium if I give in to both, but its a scary fine line if it becomes all too frequent. I've learned how to face the demons that well inside and push the hurt, because I know my valiant ego will return from its vacation and take over, clearing the tears, soothing the soul and ensuring that activities resume to normal once again.

I've learned in the last year or so that its ok to let down the defenses once in a while. I've also learned that not everybody should be privy to that either. For whatever reason I've built in a defense mechanism that will only allow a few select in, a VIP to the nether world of my emotions, if you will. Its become extremely important to me not to give access to such things anymore because unfortunatly people have their own issues, no one wants to hear mine and not only that, they are too self absorbed to be of any use anyway. So here I stay, in my little club of a select few, moving on, pushing forward, doing me.

However I will admit, just this once, that I do infact miss the arms around me. I miss the warmth of another body. I miss feeling completely and totally vulnerable to another being. I miss his heartbeat. I miss feeling wanted. I miss feeling needed. I miss the inside jokes that only could bring a smile to our faces. I miss our exclusive club. I miss late night hugs. I miss yearning. I miss wanting. I miss having. I miss ownership. I miss plans. I miss dates. I miss kisses hello. I miss kisses good-bye. I miss missing.

[.....................]

In saying that, I'm scared.

I'm scared because I've closed myself. I've shut down that wing of the factory. Its a part I don't identify with anymore and wouldn't even know how to begin reopening for business. I know how to be in the thick of it, I don't know how to get there. I don't know what its like to be mooshy and in love. I can remember a time when it was so easy to fall into that, but now when I look back, its one of the shams I beat myself up over. It simply doesn't fit me. I can't do it. I don't know how. I'm retarded in love. How to act, how to be, what to say, when to say it. I don't talk that language anymore. Its foreign and unknown. There is no manual, there is no guide. I would rather push a million people away than risk being hurt even an 1/8 of how I've been hurt in the past. I couldn't endure. I couldn't survive. The expectations too high. The risk too great. Alone I stay.

You may call that being a coward, I call that self preservation. Eventually it will change I'm sure, but until then, the doors are closed.

Knowing me in the flesh you would never assume these things of me. You would never know that I have my dark moments, then again everyone does I'm sure, its human nature I guess. But who doesn't contemplate the travesties in their life? I would like to meet someone who feels that every decision they have ever made has been the right one. They deserve the Nobel Prize if they can put into words how they've accomplished that very fortunate task.

Some of my friends and family don't understand why I've conciously decided to not actively pursue "dating" right now and why I don't want to remarry, or not have children. Some scoff and tell me that "my day will come" and I say these things out of hurt. But I don't think they understand the clairty that fills me knowing that right now, its about me and no one else.

So I don't find it so odd that I feel like an actor, flitting about showing people how strong and willed I am to not allow anything in this world to get me down, and for the most part its true. But I do wear many hats and put on many different faces because sometimes its just easier to give them what they want. Its a show and...... "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players."

With Arms Wide Open

2007-02-09T12:59:00.000-05:00

People have been known to avoid it like the plague, others are in denial and some make little notice. It has been known to advocate anxiety or instill fear of death, literally, but I have decided to embrace it with arms wide open. I will welcome what others deny and cherish what others shun for this past Sunday yours truly entered into a new chapter in life, on February 4th, 2006, I, Meredith Nicole [insert very Italian last name here] turned 30.

GASP! The horror!!!!

I fully admit there is a sadness that comes with not being able to say you’re still in your twenties, it’s the closing of a time when you thought that’s all you had…..time. It’s the end to what you’ll lovingly refer to as your “youth” and also the realization you are fully an adult. No more fucking up, its truly time to shit or get off the pot.

Turning 30 means so many different things to so many people. You have your business savvy individuals who are full swing into their careers and then you have your loafers who are just getting by. Then there are people like me, who have done everything bassackwards and are making up for lost time. For some women its about a biological clock, for some men it’s a perpetual bachelor existence they have clenched. For me its about me.

My twenties were chock full of events and I won’t forget the valuable lessons I learned. I traveled a bit, I loved a lot, I hurt even more. There are things I went through that most never see in a life time and I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy….well maybe that’s a lie. The thing is, I made a conscious effort to learn from each mistake/event and I have exemplified that very side in all that I have done thus far. Sure I’m still making mistakes, I’m the least perfect person I know, but I’ve never looked back and only feel that the doors that have been opened will only keep on opening.

For whatever reason I feel this is the most complete I’ve ever been. I make decisions based on a gut feeling or a nice mixture of brain and heart, but I will not allow myself to be ruled by others emotions. I’m not here to make anyone happy but myself. Somehow, someway I lost that focus in my early twenties and it only flooded into the latter portion of that decade, a malady I will not replicate.

The freedom that I feel, the independence that bores through is exceptionally satisfying. Unless you have been there, then what I am saying is completely off kilter for you and you would not understand. I feel as if the world is my oyster and everything that has happened to me has been an education. I look forward to my thirties because this is the time to do everything I have ever wanted to do, whether its sky diving in Pennsylvania, or scuba diving in Bermuda - I'm doing it all and nothing will stop me this time around. There is a nice calm that has settled within, a balance that was never there before.

Its true though, my life has gone in reverse, my twenties were about everyone else, my thirties will be about me. I'm not exactly sure where I was going with all of this. Perhaps it was an update, perhaps I just needed to say out loud that I'm happy. Finally. Maybe next time I can update on the Atlanta move.....oooo nice.

The Casino Of Love

2006-12-29T14:05:00.000-05:00

If dating were a game, I would have to say its craps because I'm always coming up snack eyes.

Let's discuss…..

Take love in general….lets say that "love" is a casino and we are all roped in by the lights, glitz and the pizzazz. The casino calls our names willing us and convincing the nether regions of our brains that we too can win if we're willing to gamble. So we concede and head inside with deep pockets and high hopes wishing for the best, praying for jackpot!

We enter the playing field looking at all our options and our eyes bulge at the infinite possibilities - the slot machines, the roulette table, poker, black jack and craps. We gush with anticipation, our palms get sweaty, we have a twinge of nervousness, but we're here so we suck it up because its go hard or go home. There is a reason we have stepped into the war zone of love, we're in it to win it. We continue our stroll around the area getting an idea of what we want and how we'll approach it, since you always need a game plan otherwise it will be over before you know it.

We split up and some of us head straight for the slots plopping down in one spot. Rookie mistake. See, the players on each wheel contained within that slot machine symbolize the same players in your life, it's a matter of coming up with the right combination that will heed any results. Most relationships are like the slots and its not a place I prefer to be. They are the never ending cycle of obtuse mundaneess that comes with a stale relationship. There isn't anything exciting about it, the players never change and it takes too many tries to get it right and hit pay dirt. We see the same people in our lives circle about us in different combinations and until that little bell goes DING DING DING CHA CHING – its not worth it. It's the more relaxed approach to dating I guess. Unfortunately too many of us get stuck on the slots because it is the most comfortable. Only a few of us are lucky enough to find the right arrangement thus leaving us to settle for lesser amounts of riches and hop off eventually for another machine. Too boring with little results.

An upgrade to the vicious rotation of the slots would be the roulette table. Ahhhhhh we think the roulette table is more fun and an easy game to play. We approach it thinking that all we have to do is spin the wheel, place the bet and if we win, we're happy. However, this too is another relationship falsehood. Roulette represents those who are already in a relationship whether long term dating, engagement or marriage. The partnership is controlled by numbers. Ever notice when you are in a relationship on any level, dates of events just seem to go round and round, every weekend is another something or other to attend – parties, birthdays, confirmations, weddings, dinner's with family – it doesn't matter what the ball lands on, the ball still has to get back on that wheel for the next number to be called. However, roulette does give us more betting/variety options, thus many keep coming back to it.

I categorize Black Jack, Poker and Texas hold 'em in the same bundle because they are card games with the dealer holding the cards, but the player making the bets. See as women we tend to lay our cards out on the table, providing the playing field and arena for a prospering relationship. We say, this is what we have, now lets see what you do with it. Unfortunately the guy displays a poker face, doesn't allow anyone to know what he's holding and will only bet on a sure thing. This is not to say that the roles aren't reversed, but the dealer will keep spitting out cards as long as they are wanted or required, but when all bets are final, it's a hold of the breath, a rub of the lucky rabbits foot and one man who is always left standing. These are usually the fastest relationships because one or the other is never satisfied.

But its craps that I'm most fascinated with and the spark to which I write this post. I see the craps table as the aggressive dating game. It's the pool to which all the active singles are drawn. It's the fad of dating, the online match site, the bars and the clubs, its the speed dating and the blind dates – all the things we try when we are actively searching for love….or sex. You keep rolling the dice over and over again, everyone is excited because everyone has something to lose or gain, and you keep rolling that dice until you win REAL big, or time runs out and its craps. Depending on how much you bet, or the rush of the game, depends on how long you stay at this table, but unfortunately, it's a tiring fast pace game that most get spent on quickly. It takes a certain type of persona to keep up this pace. I know this for fact as I too have tried the craze but I'm not much of a gambler – shit I lose $20 and I'm screaming poverty.

The casino of love is something we inevitably will visit, but the games we play will decide the outcome and how lucky (in love) we will be. It is a gamble, a gamble that we will not be fortunate in the riches that may be obtained, the goal to which we strive may never be acquired. We gamble by placing ourselves out there, money is our feelings and we spend them willingly hoping we make a profit in return. Logic and game plans are always a plus, but luck isn't systematic, it strikes when it pleases.

Boston Massacre 2006

2006-12-06T10:18:00.000-05:00

Saying I am a free spirit is probably an understatement – saying that I am the most fun, might be more on target. For those who read this site and have had the pleasure of knowing me in person and had the privilege of raising a glass or five over some good stories and loud music can attest to the fact - you'll never have a bad time in my presence….its something I can pride myself upon. Everybody has their "thing" – me? I'm go with the flow, up for anything and never in a bad mood.

Stop laughing its true.

There are times though when even me, Meredith, the Best from East, the Wild Crazy Beast, must sit one out…..and it is due to one event in particular that I must now bow out for a smidgen of time and begin to retire because I bring a new meaning to the words Boston Massacre.

A brief foreground to this momentous occasion is that Jannette, Francesca, Marianna and myself headed up to Boston for the weekend. Why? ….more like - Why not? Friday we get there about 9:30 a.m. and hit the ground running doing the site seeing thing when I remember my friend Matty Slo happens to be from Boston and sure enough – he's there and ready to party. VERY LONG STORY SHORT – we meet up with him and some friends and the fun begins…..three bars, about a hundred Sam Adams and countless shots later, I'm not remembering much and standing upright is becoming burdensome…..

[Side note: for those who have partied with me, I can hold my own, I have never ever been "that girl" but this was past my breaking point fo sho and besides, there is a first for everything…..]

We leave the bar and bid farewell to the lovely male liquor providers. Noticing that Francesca, Jannette and Marianna are boarding a bus, I join them on what I think is our ride home. Nope - not happening - the visions of sugar plums dancing in my head were not to be mine just yet. Instead we have embarked on a Party Bus that will be giving us our own private tour of Boston. What you need to know, and what I didn't know at the time was:

(a) my friends knew the people running the tour
(b) it wasn't a real tour, these guys just took the bus for after hours fun (one is a manager of the company)
(c) the bus driver, was not a real bus driver

Uh yeh…….

Off we go, putt-putting about town, music blaring, disco ball spinning, strobe lights glaring, beers are being passed around like herpes on a whore. I'm in the front of the bus with the bus driver perched upon a speaker/console – its all good – I'm friggin Captain Carl man!!!! I got this on lock as co-pilot. Using a friend's phone, peering out of only one eye……you know…..for better focus, I begin texting other friends what a great time we're having when suddenly the bus stops….but it stops HARD and then there goes Mer…..bumbling down the stairs like a Ragity Anne Doll.

Ouch.

Like a true champ I get back up, I've bumped my head and I have a small cut under my eye, but again, its all good because I'm alive, not hurting bad and we're having a good time. I'm not a kill a joy….oh no, I'm the maker of joy, the Kris Kringle if you will of good times, a silly little cut is not stopping me nor will I allow it to hinder the happiness of my friends. HELL TO THE NO…..stopping now would be blasphemous.

Back in my co-pilot's seat (no I didn't learn), we move onward and the bus begins to slow down and pull over on a bridge/highway allowing us all to pile out and look at the beautiful Boston skyline. All is well and we're happy, however, due to the fact that I have fallen once and I'm injured, it has become my duty to brainstorm like a drunken champ because it has occurred to me, after about a good 45 minutes, that I don't seem to know these people who we're with.

Bonnie Braniac over here decides to start using the phone again texting my good friends Anthony and Gerard – one gets a picture of my eye, the other, the license plate of the vehicle we were in. Uh yeh…..come on….give a drunk girl a break, I thought I was doing some CSI bullshit. In return I got frantic replies of "OMG Mer where are you? What is going on? Are you ok?" To which I tried to alleviate concerns but I highly doubt that was accomplished as I had the attention span of gnat at that point, but I digress…… After I climbed back over the guard rail and enjoy the scenery with everyone else, we decide to load ourselves back on the bus and head out.

Guard rail???? Highway???? WTF????

Again Coked-up Carl is at the helm lunging the bus forward with the tenacity of a Nascar driver barreling through the streets of Boston clearly on a mission, when all of a sudden, the bus jerks even harder than earlier while rounding a corner…..this time a few more people fall down on each other piling up like a short stack of pancakes, but when they get back up…..Mer is back down the stairs again. This time though, I just laid there taking a mental inventory of what condition I was in before I moved. I knew right away, I had chipped a tooth and I had bitten my lip so hard I was swallowing copious amounts of blood.

Nice.

Hands reach out to grab me, but bad ass that I am, I put up my hand in the STOP formation, wave everyone off, get back up and well I don't remember quite much else because I think the brain swelling began at that point…however I do believe I finally cried. Everyone was a little shook up and it was at last, time to go home. I do remember disembarking the bus and turning to the guys and uttering to them, "I'm not paying for this ride and neither are any of my friends for that fact." I think Marianna wrapped her arm around me and ushered me back in the hotel…..I think.

The next day the girls wake up to find they are sharing a room with Rocky Balboa, hey I call it like I see it and I got a little messed up the night before. Of course in my twisted world, I found most of the stories funny because we start re-telling the events of the evening before and it continues to get worse:

Me: "I hope none of you paid for that ride last night. I told them I wasn't paying."

Jannette: "Mer, we knew those guys."

Me: "We did? When did we meet them? I don't remember meeting them."

Francesca: "You were off somewhere, it was in the last bar."

Me: "Oh man, that rips it."

Marianna: "If we ever hear that term again……Mer you were yelling YOU RIP IT to everyone in the last bar."

Me: "I was??? When was I doing that?"

Francesca: "Just after we ordered the food."

Me: "There was FOOD!?!? When was there FOOD?"

Oh boy.

Segundo

2006-10-02T12:41:00.000-04:00

Two days off and I feel no better, what the fuck is that all about? I took pity on myself and took two days off thinking that would help to rejuvenate my mind, body and soul….looks like I need more than two days off. Urgh….

Last week I gave an update about work and whatnot…now its family time.

My mother, for anyone who is wondering, is doing great. Her surgery was a success and from what they can tell she’s cancer free….although they will be doing a set of radiation treatments just in case. I love the fact that she’s being treated where I work too since I know everyone in the cancer field here – good stuff, makes me happy. Plus in a weird way this is good for mom. Let me explain before you are like WTF? My mother puts everyone ahead of herself….like most moms…but its to a point that she is getting seriously frustrated. My grandmother (her mother) is going more and more senile as the days go on, she’s always confused, she’s lonely and a bit depressed. My mother is the only one who takes care of my grandmother and the burden is really getting to her. Its very sad to see the exchange between them and its hard to accept because this is confirmation of the end of an era.

My father, well he’s a typical dad, but something isn’t right with him either…he lives more in the past than the present thinking that things will change on their own instead of opting to make those changes himself. Not good. He's overwhelmed with no direction to get out and I think he's a bit depressed, I think the regression into his own world helps him escape and not deal with this one. We don’t know if it’s the onset of an illness, general old age or what but it scares us all the same and is becoming more of encumbrance and embarrassment to my mother than anything. We have tried to talk to him but he’s old school so its hard to get him to understand.

These things stress my mother out so having a good prognosis with cancer and getting the added attention is good for her in a way because the focus is on her. I try to talk to my mom everyday for at least 15 minutes to see how SHE is doing, not everyone else. I try…I really do but unfortunately sometimes I can’t listen to it all, it brings me down more than I already am. I'm there for her though, don't get me wrong, its just not an easy time for any of us.

My sister is still moving to Atlanta, last I heard my brother-in-law will start commuting between Atlanta and Jersey in January. It makes me very sad that they will be moving away from me, but there isn’t much I can do about it. My parents will follow them once they are settled and that will leave me with a decision to make. Do I go to Atlanta, stay in Jersey or use this opportunity to move someplace adventurous like San Francisco, San Diego, NYC….or travel? Oh that would lovely and worth it all.

This is the first time in my life I have so many choices….normally the choices would excite me and to some extent they do but I feel lost at the same time. I feel lost since I don’t’ know what I want…there is no man to hold me back and base decisions on, my family will certainly give me advice and want me to come with them, however, I feel this is the first time the decision is mine for the taking. That’s kind of sad to admit, but it is what it is. Plus I’m not crazy about my job and the money isn’t the best - I could be getting so much more so why not try something different? What’s the worst that can happen – fail? I’m petrified of debt so as long as I can keep my head above water I should be good no?

Its all up in air right now and it should be interesting to see what the next course of action will be. I really want to think this out and make sure I make the best decision for me….one that will satisfy my love of life and innate curiosities about the world and what it has to offer. I'm looking for a decision that will be bring me the happiness I’m searching for, the calmness of self in which I want to thrive. This is all part of the pressure I place on my cramped cranium, I don’t want to fuck up anymore, I want to excel and be the person I’ve always dreamt of being.

An attempt is being made, the long arduous road lies ahead of me with no end in site. I feel like every aspect of my life is a winding underground tunnel with no light shining brightly. But don't worry I know this road I'm traveling will produce soon, I just have to make sure I'm making the right choices when I come to the forks in the road. Ones that will make me as happy as I deserve. I put a lot of pressure on myself and I have to remember to take it easy sometimes since there is an awful lot going on. I want to be the person my 12 year old self thought I would be when I grew up...I want to make that child happy.

La Primera

2006-09-26T09:47:00.000-04:00

This is part one of what I think is going to be a three, perhaps four part series of me trying to convey to you what the hell is going on in each area of my life. I’m doing this for my own good to take each portion and pick it apart to help me understand what I can do to make me happier because shit doesn’t seem to be happening on its own.

Here we go:

The Job

It’s a fact, my job is easy. I went from being an Administrative Assistant working for three high and mighty Directors in a very fast paced office to a hidey-ho snail step position as an Executive Secretary…..this job does and does not blow big monkey pole for varying reasons.

Why my job doesn’t suck.
I do nothing. I answer a few phone calls, I keep my boss’ calendar. I put him in touch with the right people, I help him with his computer questions, because the man has no clue when it comes to the computer. Sometimes I get to make him a haircut appointment and plan some business travel – oh the fun. Trust me though, when its busy and he’s on fire –lookout, my job gets trying and the bullshit flies. However, I like my boss, he’s a pretty serious dude with a high position here, but he also knows how to laugh and make light of a situation. He knows how to be politically correct with the big wigs and he certainly knows his stuff. At his level, one would think I should be a shit-load busier than I am, but I’m not.

At first I didn’t mind the fact that life was pretty easy going. I put in 8 years doing menial work and being someone’s whipping boy, because let’s face it, when you are a secretary, you’re the first person in the line of fire when the shit hits the fan. Its not fun being the first bulls eye when the boss wants answers. I am paid to think two steps ahead of my boss should occasion arise…they want answers, its my job to find them. It wasn't always easy and thus the reason why this job was cake when I first arrived on the scene. Plus now that school has begun, I can use my down time for bits of studying. Not all that bad.

Why my job sucks
I do nothing. I’m so bored sometimes that I have to create ways of keeping myself busy. I’ve read blogs, I’ve paid bills, made appointments, chatted on the phone, sent a few thousand emails…..I follow my boss like a puppy dog looking for a scrap of work. And before you start thinking I’m a lazy ass, know this, I’ve told him I’m bored. I’ve attempted asking for more work, but alas, nothing has changed. It is what it is.

Its also escalating my laziness…I get out of here, and I’m actually tired from doing nothing!!! WTF??? My autonomy sucks here and I feel that the laziness is affecting me all around. Laziness leads to mistakes and I don’t make mistakes….at least not when my reputation is involved.

I don’t feel like I have a crucial role in any of the work for this department and I feel left out of the loop 90% of the time, where before I was an integral part in the grand scheme of running the department. I miss having a position where I would trouble shoot and give answers multitasking to my hearts content. I feel that I have way too much talent and “know how” to be wasted away here. My brain is slowly going to mush - I’m afraid that once I do in fact find another job, my go getter attitude will be diminished.

My good friend B actually said “Too bad you couldn’t find a way to make more money while at work.” Good thinking B and if I knew the first thing about stocks and trading, I’d be all over it.

Oh and the pay is ….let’s just say it leaves something to be desired. I make good money, no doubt, but do I make what people in my position make in the outside world? No. Money is a big key factor here. I stated the pay is not all that great – better than minimum wage by far, don’t get me wrong, but if I were to work elsewhere my increase in pay would be at minimum another $5-7,000. We are a non-profit organization so the pay is never competing, however, I do have job security and good benefits…. You can’t sneeze at something like that in this day and age.

Here I am at a crossroads of sorts. I have a good job, decent pay but I’m bored to tears. I want a job that I’m happy to do that challenges me on a daily basis, but I’d be stupid to give it up right now since it affords me the luxury of study time (and tuition-reimbursement). I have been contemplating and weighing these things on a daily basis. Can I sit here for the next 3+ years doing this day in and day out while I wait to finish my degree? Will I survive the boredom?

This is one of the tunnels that I face. I picture in my mind each tunnel I choose there is no end, no light. Each tunnel represents another facet of my life – relationships, family, friends, work, etc….and each one is overwhelmingly dark and quiet making me feel more and more discouraged all the time. I feel alone now – I haven’t talked to anyone about how I’ve been feeling, thus why I have an urge to write again to this blog – even if it is a boring amount of drivel.

Dirty Gossipand Whatnot

2006-09-25T11:22:00.000-04:00

I miss giving you all the dirty gossip going on in my life. I miss divulging the smallest and stupidest of things - just getting it all off my chest. It feels like its been forever since I've been doing that. I don't know, in a way I got tired of being judged...or at least judging myself. In a way I also grew up a bit. I don't do the cheesy corny things I did last year - kissing stupid boys, dating wrong men - complaining - all things that have changed. But I think I need to start archiving again, its still fun to look back a year ago and see what was going on....I need to start that again. So here it is - a quick update:

Things have drastically changed in the last 6-8 months and i'm not only talking about me, I'm talking about friends and family. First - Trixie - well we're not such great friends anymore.

Huh? What? That's preposterous!!!

Well Trixie kind of showed what her true colors really were this summer when she started dating her new man. We always knew her to be a little self-centered and self involved and we always tolerated it to a certain extent, but then she became a little out of hand and things blew up....with me as the target. Unfortunate for her and her man they came at the wrong person and fell flat on their faces. She was well on her way to becoming an outcast of the group, but this propelled i and her relationship with all of us has become a little strained. I'll tell this whole story another time because I don't want this post to become a diatribe to why she's an putz.

Second, my family is still moving. Yes its true, my sister and brother in law are slated to begin their move in January to Atlanta. That being said, my parents will most likely put their house up for sale and join them some time in the Spring/Summer 2007. What does this mean for me? I dont know yet. I just started school again and I now boast the largest network of friends I've ever had. I don't know if I want to leave that. Then again what am I staying here for? My job is ok, but I'm not going to advance and well as far as men are concerned.....they aren't. That being said, I think when they go down for a looksee, I'm going to join because I'm open and I guess I can be persuaded. I make friends easily, perhaps the move is something I need for a change....I just can't help but feel I should stay behind.

Third, I'm just plain lost lately. Depression set in last week for a day or two that had me crying myself to sleep. I dont know if its because everythng in my life is at a stalemate or if its because I'm starting to have moments of lonliness. I look back on my mistakes and I'm petrified to make those again - I will not date someone just to date them so I find myself a little more lonely than usual....ya know what? I need to get off this topic right now.

So that's the fair weather update. I'm going to try and get more detailed with each day. Even if no one still reads this website, I'm going to give my daily updates as best I can.

P.S. - if you liked the first Jackass movie - the second is even better. Yes I went and I laughed my effin ass off!!!!!

Back to School

2006-09-05T08:51:00.000-04:00

And so it begins once again, I am going back to school and tonight is my first class in almost 4 years. Political Science - urgh....gross. I really wanted to take two, perhaps even three classes because I want to get it over with, but what have we learned if anything, about my life? Nothing ever goes according to plan. It is now costing me $303/credit which is blasphamous - I mean how can anyone afford to pay for school? Shit last time I went to this school it was $215/credit - GOOD LORD talk about inflation....actually come to think of it, when I started at this school, part time, it was $133/credit - my my my it has gone up a tad bit.

Although I have to say, I'm not worried about class, I'm smart enough to pass with minimal effort.....its just the bother of it all. I don't want to take only one class, that's nothing, I'd rather take a few and be done sooner rather than later because this seems to be dragging on forever...kind of like this post. Anyway, money is a huge factor and I'm thinking Financial Aid may be in the near future for next semester because there is no way in hell I'm going to continue with school only one night a week - heavens no. Perpetual student my ass.

This is it, I feel like I'm in the home stretch and making a good show of it, unfortunately only being able to afford one class puts a damper on things but at least I'm doing it right? Oh well...ho hum and fiddley dee.....one thing at a time.

Next step is to find a second job at least until November/December since money has been a bit tight - I'm still at home helping the parents, but I'm finding that I have nothing left over for myself, just enough to keep me busy on the weekends....unfortunately I got a bit restless two weekends in a row and blew a whopping $700 on clothes and whatnot - HEY these things happen, its like the bear in the cage, he gets restless once in a while!!! Listen, it felt good for a change to spend a little somethin somethin on myself. Amen.

So I have come to the conclusion with summer finally over and school having started....and add to that my single status, perhaps a second job would be fitting for now. I know I've spoken about this before and I've given it more thought, this is best for now. Unfortunately I have no idea what the hell to do though. Fortunately, the single status helps in this field because now if I work on a weekend, who cares - I'm not exactly missing out on anything now am I? Ooooo we haven't spoken in awhile about my single status, odd since that's all I spoke about for almost a year, but that's neither here nor there at this point.

Well.

Let it be known and said here that I have made attempts, I've been on dates, I've done the phone, email thing but alas, no one has quite tickled my fancy. Its almost to the point that I'm starting to feel that I do not want to be approached any longer. I even joined Match.Com to see what the whole fuss was - and I have to say although its a great resource, I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed by it, therefore I'm thinking of jumping ship while I still have my sanity. School and work will keep me occupied enough.

The Match.Com experience has been exactly that - an experience, not even a month into it and I'm thinking that its too much for me. I've met only one person off that site and although it was a green light for a second date, I'm still like "eh" - so sad. Men have seen my profile and screamed "FRESH MEAT" - its become overwhelming and although I have much more to say on the topic, I'm going to keep you all hanging and report back tomorrow. ;-)

My New Favorite Show

2006-08-31T09:05:00.000-04:00

TDS - Check In With Stephen Colbert

This is a first - oooo aaahhhhh posting videos - Mer is going UPTOWN now!!! - Just so you know, I love the Colbert Report - LOVE IT.

Here's the thing, I can't stand the news and I don't read the newspaper, but because of this show, I actually want to know more about what is going on. I cant' even begin to describe why I love this show so much - I think its the clever and fast whit, its all the cheesy offhand slips, its the pure fact it pokes fun at something so serious. I'm in love with this show.

Pushing Mer

2006-08-09T11:05:00.000-04:00

I am the last person in the world who will make a tiff out of nothing. Those who are close to me know that I refuse to play into drama or allow anyone to rain on my parade. At 29 I don’t have the time or the energy to waste on anyone who will upset me, thus my ability to bounce back from adversity rather quickly.

But when you cross me, when you finally push me to the edge, be prepared to deal with what I have to say. Wait, let me back up, what you should know about my personality is that I never yell, to get me angry and fired up enough to shout, you know it’s got to be bad – only family has seen that side and its been a LONG time since that’s happened as rare as it is. Instead I opt to come to you rationally and poise my valid points and discuss like adults what is troubling me. Most of the time I won’t even open my mouth because I’ve learned to wait and allow life to play itself out….because sometimes the resolution presents itself without there having to be any incidents.

When an event occurs and I do finally say what I have to say and I’m able to divulge what I have on my mind, close friends and family know it must really be bothering me and they have learned to take it in stride and do the honorable thing by listening and not judging. They know I don’t just voice my opinion flatly and without reason, no, they know what I have to say is legitimate and applicable. My good friends know that in order for me to come to them and say I am upset with anything in my personal life - it must be truly something harsh. I don’t open up so fast to people. Yes I’m happy go lucky, go with the flow, but it takes a lot for me to open up to anyone, it’s the Aquarian in me I guess.

When it comes to those I love and cherish, I give even more lean way if they offend or hurt me. They are people I truly love and cherish and I should know their personalities and abide by their little incidentals. No need to really call them out and yell because I know personalities and I accept them for who they are because in order to be my friend you must possess redeeming qualities. Shit, I am so far from perfect I don’t expect anyone to get it on the first try I understand human nature. But I am thoroughly offended when what I have to say is placed on the wayside and not appreciated for what it is….my thoughts and feelings on said subject. I know I’ve spoken about being misunderstood, but this surpasses that because these people should know me best.

However, when you cross me, it doesn’t matter how many times you apologize, it doesn’t’ matter what the explanation is, you’ve tarnished and ruined something good and pure, because that’s all that I have to offer – I gain nothing by being friends with anyone but caring, sharing and good times. I don’t ask for anything, I don’t lean on anyone and I never complain, but once you cross that legit boundary, you’re done. If you’re alive afterward, you’ve used your ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Conceivably this may be part of my Italian heritage that has me feel that once you smear, taint or blemish a friendship I give up. It’s the same with dating – maybe its self preservation or maybe I’ve become an adult and refuse to by into the excitement that others can set forth. To me, friendship is shown and exemplified – actions do speak louder than words, that’s why an apology is sometimes not enough to alleviate the hurt that has been bestowed.

Moms

2006-07-27T13:47:00.000-04:00

My mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer today......actually about a half hour ago and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I'm not devastated, I'm not crying my eyes out, I guess at some point I knew that my parents would eventually not be infallible to the diseases that plague people later in life. In a way I was waiting........biding my time if you will, enjoying them while I can.

Am I being too blasé? No, bare with me. I worked in the cancer field for 7+ years. I've seen it all and I've heard it all. I've seen both sides of the spectrum from the patient's view, the family's view and the doctor's view, which is by no means a stretch of the imagination because I worked in stem cell transplant, breast cancer, research and radiation, I know a thing or two. I guess in a way you start to think that eventually its going to hit close to home,.....now its our turn.

The prognosis is excellent though because they caught it early and clearly by accident. Its a slow growing tumor and extremely small and had they not done the biopsy last week, they never would have accidentally found this cancerous nodule. Actually the doctor said that if he had not found it now, it probably wouldn't have shown up for another 8+ years. This is all very good news but still not the news you want to be hearing at any point in time. Next step lumpectomy, sentinel node biopsy followed by radiation. Thank god I know people in the field to make this a bit easier.
=================

Immediately following the completion of the above paragraphs I had a meeting - a very dull, boring and stupid meeting. My knees were knocking with anxiety, I kept toying with my necklace while looking at that clock. My tolerance for stupidy and those who are most selfish and wrapped up in their insignificant problems made my blood boil with wild fury because they aren't getting it. They DON"T GET IT!!!! While sitting in the meeting all I could think about was getting up and yelling to the point of everyone's ears bleeding so that they could understand the frustration and anger - "MY MOTHER HAS CANCER!!! FUCK YOU and FUCK THIS MEETING!!!"

I'd be stupid to feel selfish during this time because I know I'm not alone and that millions have had to endure and experience this -hell 1 in 5 people wind up being diagnosed with cancer and not only that, but I know that chances are, a majority of the readers right now have been touched someway in their lives by cancer. I just need to get it out. Scream it, punch it and hurt it. Grab it by its fucking throat and squeeze tightly and once I get it out I can face the task of putting a finger on each hand up, staring it in the face and yelling with abysmally great force, YOU CAN'T HAVE MY MOM!!!!

We'll all be fine, we're survivors, but if I wasn't already tired from all the bullshit that's on my plate, I can't imagine what the coming months will be like. I'll be ok, I know this, I have no other choice because in actuality it's not about me it's about her and being there for her in any capacity needed, wanted or wished.

I'm not looking for empathy, I just had to get it off my chest and put it out there, into the universe, the pain, the hurt, the fright, the potential introversion that will inevitably follow due to my inability to want to let people in when I'm down. Admitting a weakness is huge for me....so I ask that if I see you in person, please don't make a big deal about it because I will seriously become uncomfortable. I'm not used to talking about myself on such a personal level, its not easily done. But I wanted to share this, I had to share this because its part of me and what is meandering through my skull at this moment in time.

Sigh.....deep breath.....exhale...aaahhhhh.....that feels much better now. I've purged the anxiety a bit. Thank you.

So Not Happening Again

2006-07-21T20:37:00.000-04:00

My writing/journal came up in conversation last night and I had to explain that due to the upset of another individual, I basically took down a lot of what I have written in the last few months. Good substantive editorial type of blog posts that I myself were proud to have authored and thought on a basic level were pretty damn good. Not only that, but the few who do read this site thought these scripts were quite fandamntastic as well.

This was a few weeks ago and it still aggravates me that I went back on my own convictions and allowed myself to be ruled by the misperception of another individual. I despise that I compromised my belief on writing out thoughts, feelings, actions and quandaries all for the sake of said person, who in the end really didn't take into consideration the multitude of what I did to alleviate their concerns. The more I think about it, the angrier I feel for succumbing to it.

The thing is, I'm not a malicious person by any means, anyone who has spent five minutes in my presence can attest to that. I also have a hard time lying because in the past it's never worked for me. I live my life by way of right and wrong and what little I know of karma. So for anyone to question my actions, my loyalty as a friend or human decency is quite the slap in the face - especially when what I have spoken about has nothing to do with said person. But being the good-natured gal that I am and also possessing compassion, I took down any and all writings that came close to the topic(s) that were discussed.

I've been thinking about what I did and why I did it and I'm extremely irritated with myself more than I am with this ex-friend. I'm upset because I compromised myself, and for lack of a better description, my art, to appease obviously the wrong person and with each occasion that I think about this, the more I feel wrong for not standing strong to my passion and fervor for the written word DESPITE the topic at hand. I don't need to get into amendment rights and all that hoopla, but now I understand more than ever why journalists, authors, television and radio persona demand their freedom of speech. I think everyone should have their say and if I want to write about shit on a shingle I should be afforded that opportunity without persuasion from any entity.

I understand that some things written and said in this world of media may become offensive, and I comprehend that words can hurt - but that is not the intention of my voice, I'm simply not that calculating an individual to hide and misrepresent anything that befalls this keyboard. My character was questioned and my friendship challenged, and in the end, despite anything, I was the one who was compromised, not them. Any friend who tells me not to write about them, is apparantly not a friend of mine. Moreso and in addition, anything I write is offhand and done by curiosty and notion, not by malevolent enthusiasm. Those closest to my heart know this fact without it being a spoken word.

It will be a conscious decision that I must remind and reprimand myself on a constant basis that there is no more negotiation of my writing. It's not up for discussion and edit at will. My thoughts, feelings and adventures (if you will), are mine and mine alone. Read this as a disclaimer, warning or caveat, I could give a rat's ass, but everyone know this......ask questions, I'll tell no lies, but from this moment on, take it, leave it, go fuck it......that's your decision and your God given right, but don't rain on my parade due to your own insecurities and inner torment that you bestow negatively upon yourself. There is no conspiracy theory here, you are not a target....puhhlease you are not that important.

Thank you and good night......Elvis has left the building.

2006-07-18T14:56:00.000-04:00

Nothing is new, yet everything is new.....does that make sense? I've been house sitting and dog sitting for my parents the last few days and all this alone time has me feeling like I need out. I've been feeling this way for awhile now, but it wasn't as apparent as it has been the last few days. I've been helping my parents with money and whatnot, but they'll only keep accepting the help as long as I'm there. I love them dearly, but I think I have to live my life now. I'm stronger than ever, I have a great network of friends and life is completely drama free, a bit mundane at times, but I'll take it compared to what I've been through. I've already begun a small search of what is available in the area and although it might be a struggle, its a chance I have to take.

++++++++++++++++++++

I've been a little depressed lately finding myself crying at sad moments while watching a movie (never happened before). I don't exactly know why either. I mean I'm lonely at times, but that's not exactly it. I can deal with lonliness, I can deal with no man in my life, but something is missing. Perhaps the moving into an apartment will help me feel less stale and more in charge of my life. I definitely am itching for a change lately. I tend to get restless when my life is in one spot for too long. Does that mean I'll be looking for a new job? Not sure, but ya never know. All I do know is that I'm craving change in a baaaaaad way.

++++++++++++++++++++

Tomorrow is my traditional excusion with my sister to the Bon Jovi concert at Giant's Stadium. Growing up I was a HUGE Jovi fan (who wasn't) and my very first concert was with my sister so it became tradition rather fast. I'm totally looking forward to getting LOADED with her - what else is new?

++++++++++++++++++++

And that's about it for now. A little lame, but I had to throw something up. I promise something good will be written soon.

FYI

2006-06-30T09:48:00.001-04:00

TGIF mo fo's.....I'm away all next week opting last minute to get in on a shore house. Get this, I'm paying $229 for 7 days of fun, sun, boozing and lots of half nekid men. One word: Nice. I need this after the two weeks of immature hell I've been through. I'm looking forward to drinking WAY too much, laughing WAY too hard and hopefully getting in on some summer lovin......WHOOP OH BOY!!! Ooooo think I can meet my Danny Zuko? HEY NOW.

Have a great holiday and I'll totally give you an update of the coming week when I get back. GOOD LORD I can't even begin to imagine what kind of trouble I'm going to get myself into this week.....

Misunderstood

2006-06-30T09:38:00.000-04:00

This….this is me. Today’s post is about yours truly….I’m letting you in, look at my soft pink underbelly….be gentle, its exposed for a rare moment.

There is such a thing as a mistake, there is such a thing as a misunderstanding and there is such a thing as truly apologizing. These aren’t vast epic myths, they do in fact happen.

Misunderstandings are the lack of communication. I am a communications major, I want to write, I want to produce and create. Telling me I can’t have my say is like telling me I can’t breathe. It’s the most frustrating thing for me if I can’t connect with another individual that I am interacting with. Sure there are stupid ignoramuses that you can’t help, but if you’re my friend, or someone I am dating, if I can’t speak my word, forget it….call me Crank Sinatra. I try, I make attempts, I look at it from every angle and I aim with earnest to get you to see my point. I’ll draw a diagram, I’ll write a letter, I’ll speak until I’m blue in the face, Oh my God, my friend Phil’s wine parties are perfect examples, we’ve almost attacked each other from across the table, but in the end, we concede to realize each other has a valid point. (Loving you Phil).

This is the most important thing to me, being understood and conveying my message so that you say, “Gotchya.” I pride myself on being able to bond with another individual, its gratifying that I know that we talk, that we see eye to eye on all different levels, not just basic fundamentals of hello how are you.

Recently I was misunderstood to the point of tears…literally. I felt like my legs and arms were tied, my mouth taped shut, my breathing felt shallow, a lifeline cut. I can’t help anyone’s perception of me, especially when not given the opportunity to explain further. I don’t like it when people play judge and jury without a trial and evidence. Its happened at work plenty of times, but personally it’s a rare occurrence, thus making it harder to chew. Its exasperating and energy zapping, fortunate for me I have patience and lots of it. I bide my time and I wait….dust settles, tempers go down and then I can speak. I wont’ fight, I refuse to because it gets you no where.

After you’ve been put through the ringer, lied to, cheated on, wounded, dragged through pits of despair, you become jaded and believing the best in someone doesn’t happen ever again. So sad because it becomes second nature to push away rather than accept. Disheartening because the good doesn’t prevail over the wicked processes of the brain, the conscious overcomes the subconscious….negativity dominates the good stuff resulting in loss that wasn’t needed or ever wanted. Why believe the good when its so much easier to believe the bad? Unfortunately that’s what happens….your sentimentality disintegrates thus throwing up that “wall” I keep talking about in previous posts. Its scary because you can throw up a wall against the wrong person because all the other times you’ve thought “this is it” – it didn’t quite pan out, hurt was eminent.

Sigh…..

Communication is important, it has to occur. I said the other day, you have to build a good foundation and make sure there is upkeep to maintain a healthy relationship, but if the communication is lacking, then that foundation crumbles like it was infested with termites….it won’t happen right away, but slowly it will rot. Sometimes the damage has been done and that conscious decision to walk away can’t be retracted – is it pride? Could it be hurt? Laziness? Perhaps we didn’t care enough to begin with? Is it a ferocious cycle that we can’t break? I mean we all have our patterns, one can only wonder and most won’t take the time to recognize.

In today’s society its hard enough to find your own little piece of self amongst the mucky muck of civilization. Being able to acknowledge, forgive and forget becomes second to self-gratification because the certainty of being right is that great. Being misunderstood winds up being something you have to swallow despite great efforts to prove otherwise. This time I have to take my own advice, the same advice I gave “George” and my friend Nicole, it blows big monkey pole, but I concede defeat and lay the issue to rest.

So sad because that’s not what I wanted, but then again, we don’t always get what we want in life now do we?

Unfuckingbelievable

2006-06-29T07:48:00.000-04:00

WARNING: This post contains violence and graphic content. R-Rated

Drama now finds me....I mind my business, I live my life by right and wrong, good and bad. I say please and thank you, I treat people the way I want to be treated, but it is all for naught because drama still seems to find me. However, this time around I put both fingers up and say fuck you, I ain't dealing.

This guy I knew approached me about dating him and I did just that because he was someone I knew, he was funny, polite, had his shit together, he could be a bit of a dick, but I kind of need that in order to keep me in line. He has a busy schedule, I don't get to see or talk to him much. Fine by me, I don't want anyone up my ass - as far as I was concerned, it was a perfect relationship in the making. But then I wrote the post "Mediocre" and I posted it here and on my MySpace blog - little did I know that the mutha f'er was stalking my MySpace website. I'm not shitting you. He not only stalks my site for content, but I think he also stalks those of my friends. Yes if you are my friend and you leave me a comment - he clicks on your profile to see who you are, and what I've commented in return.

Can we say insecure?

Right away he comes down on me for writing the post "mediocre" and "the love letter" stating that mediocre was "all about him" and "the love letter" was just plain disrespectful. I don't even know where to begin explaining this.

First, the mediocre post was not about him. Ok that might be stretching the truth - at first I had reservations about dating him, but I went with it and was rather happy for the first time in a long time. Someone poised the question to me about dating and settling - so I took the idea and ran with it....and to be honest I got a TON of feedback from it, apparently I'm not the only one in this world who feels you shouldn't settle - but whatever. When I re-read that post and put myself in his shoes I understood the misconception and I profusely apologized for it....but he wouldn't hear it and when I say he wouldn't hear it, I mean that literally. He would NOT talk to me via phone or in person - opting to ignore me and play judge and jury with no trial. The only way he would talk to me was via text. What the fuck is that? Ok fine, I gave him space, I played his game of texting and apologized, not once, not twice, but three times on three separate occasions. After a whole week of not talking - he finally sends me a text this past Tuesday.

A text???? You want a relationship with me and your form of communication is texting? Fuck that shit. I gave up on Sunday, this ain't flying with me.....at all. I tried, you snubbed it, I'd have to be a complete moron to continue trying....you're shit wasn't that fly bro.

He most likely contacted me because Tuesday morning I changed my status from "in a relationship" on myspace to "single" - it was a whole week of not hearing from him, what was I supposed to do? Sit and wait for him? Rot away for someone who doesn't have the decency to contact me and listen to me? If I stayed with him, would this have been a trend for things to come? It was a simple misunderstanding, I can't imagine what a real fight with real emotions and problems would be like. Thanks, but no thanks. If I've learned anything from Ted its that I will not wait for anyone. I apologized for a foul up, he didn't take it, I'm not putting my life on hold - shit or get off the pot buddy.

Since he is a stalker of sorts, he sees my status change and TEXTS ME about it (TEXTING IS THE DEVIL!!!). I'm not dealing with that bullshit - no way. And the best part - I'm the villian. I'm the bad guy - yet I've never been able to plead my case, we haven't uttered ONE word to each other, yet I'm the one whose fault this all is. He's pissed because I gave up - uh hello MCFLY!!! Last time you were in contact with me was Saturday night and you're pissed at me? Hell to the NO!!!

Delusional? Definitely. Insecure? Totally. Manipulative? Completely.

I am sooooo glad that I know when its time to walk away. I am so glad I didn't sit on my fat Italian ass waiting for him and I'm happy I didn't invest so much in him. I'm proud of myself because a year ago I would've been a ball of stress worrying about pleasing him. I'd be sitting here complaining to you, my readers, about how unfair life is and why can't I catch a break. BUT NO MORE - no mas - Mer doesn't deal with this shit anymore. I've been saying it for awhile now and this is proof positive that I've changed. One word: awesome.

Time to Throw in the Towel

2006-06-26T12:37:00.000-04:00

When is it time to throw in the towel? When is it time to say enough is enough? Reading your gut is always a good idea, I mean your first instinct is usually the right choice, but still there comes a time when its shit or get off the pot. There is only so much apologizing, so much fighting and so much stubbornness one can take before you have to say to yourself its time to walk away.

The only way to continue and move on is to know that you put in a good effort, that you fought the battle but lost the war. Each side is correct in their own right – when it comes to feelings, each party’s view is valid, you can’t help the way you feel, but you can help the outcome. Unfortunately, one or the other will not concede defeat and make the decision that perhaps being allies is easier than butting heads. Seeing it as a fault and not as a mistake can carry it to a high level escalading into a larger grand scheme snowballing to utter disappointment when it all could have been alleviated rather quickly with the simple acceptance of an apology….if the apology was a sincere one.

A good friend of mine from high school, we’ll refer to as Pete, has been trying to reconcile with his girl for the last 9 months. I see her point as to why she would not want to be with him anymore, the break up was his decision and you should live with the decisions you make that sculpt your future, but realizing it was a blunder to let her go, he has tried relentlessly to rectify the situation. Nine months of patiently waiting for her because he loves her that much….however she is scared of being hurt again. I see her position and it’s a sound and valid point she has…..I side with her on that, no doubt. However, he’s shown her no good reason why they shouldn’t get back together. He’s tried to talk, he’s apologized he’s even altered his life style a bit to fit her needs and wants. He’s taken her out, tried to start from scratch again doing it slowly…one step forward….three steps back. They’ve been together on and off, but at some point I have to say to him, I think its time to walk away my friend, she’s not pushing to be with you – read the signs, its time to make a decision that is best for you.

Earlier in life I would have struggled with something like that. I would have begged and pleaded trying to relay the message that love conquers all and rooting for the home team to win. But does love conquer all? Didn’t Patty Smyth and Don Henley say, “Sometimes love just ain’t enough?”

In cases of intense love, the hurt runs deep and an apology isn’t enough….that’s when the damage has been done and its time to accept and move on. It’s the death of a relationship, tragic in its own right, what we learn from it helps with how we will cope. I don’t want Pete to give up, but I don’t want him to be a glutton for punishment either. He has every right to happiness and if that means being alone for a while longer, then so be it. Everything happens for a reason.

I received great advice from this wild source once….my mother. She told me that “love doesn’t’ hurt and it shouldn’t be hard.” I want to elaborate on that, yes it can be trying, but it shouldn’t be hard. The foundation should be easy and it takes constant work, but when you have instances, complicated occurrences such as this, simply go back to basics. Start with what you know of right and wrong. There is no dissecting, there shouldn’t be intricate notions and ideas – its all basics. When there is a sticky situation – and in this case you are the one making the decision – ask yourself – do I profoundly love them? Do I want to be with them? If the answer is yes, its simple – get off your high horse, take the plunge and eff it. Geronimo. Custards last stand man….go for it. At least then you know you’ve tried and you don’t spend the next few months….even years wondering “What if.” God I hate the “what if” factor. Kills me every time – however if you went back to basics, you put your best foot forward, walking away is easier. Pete, you tried and you get mad props for it. Most men would have walked away a long time ago, but you’re efforts at a reconciliation aren’t being met. You’re not a bad person if you walk away. Take pride in the fact that you’ve tried, but do yourself a favor and make the decision instead of waiting for the decision to be made for you.

I’ve been there, I’ve held on so tight my knuckles turned white, but in the end I was still left alone. Tom tried to make amends, but when I finally took that stand I felt better, empowered….I stopped being the victim. I guess when you make that final decision, you have to be fully aware and ready that they won’t come knocking on your door again….don’t let it hurt your ego, let it fuel your decision that it simply.....in all honesty…..was not meant to be.

Downer

2006-06-22T12:11:00.000-04:00

Ever feel so utterly dejected and down that if you think too hard or analyze too much you might actually stop breathing? Ever feel so lost you don't want to face the world; crawling back into bed to sleep away the anxiety, hurt and pain is so much more realistic than facing life. I see people here at work and they smile and make pleasantries and I want to just ONCE punch someone square in the face to get out the frustration and anger. Volunteers? Anyone? I want to make them feel as horrid and wretched as I do.

God its like someone is sitting on my chest right now. I want to run out of here kicking, screaming, arms flailing for the mere fact that I have to get out this tenstion that is building within me. My blood pressure must be sky rocketing right now. I teeter between no motivation and wanting to scream. One minute I feel as if I could cry, the next I want to beat the living piss out of the next person who crosses me. Its awful and I feel defenseless and enraged mixed together in a giant bouncing ball of nerves.

Carrying on is inevitable until this hurdle is passed because I don't know what else to do with myself. I've been painted into a corner with no escape and waiting for the paint to dry is killing me. Its completely and totally destroying my innards to the point of nauseous insanity. I am normally cool and collected - ok fine, I'm a little zainy at times, but usually nothing bothers me. THIS is bothering me. Shit yes.

A Love Letter

2006-06-13T10:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Whipping Boy,

Everyday we sit on the bus to work together, and everyday I undress you, I mean......I uh.......I smile nicely at you. We make normal pleasantries and act very cordial, but please mark my words, given half a chance I would jump on your head six different ways from Tuesday.

I'm not joking.

I'm not exactly sure if it's your manly disposition, your 6'4" stature, your nice lean hard body or the glorious masculine hands that I imagine roaming my body, feeling my voluptuous......

Anywho, I feel that we have a deep connection, so deep that words would never be needed, we can communicate through sign language and grunting......lots of grunting. And when I say "sign language" I quote "Hands touching hands.......reaching out......touching me..........touching you." Poetic I know.

Please though, don't worry that I make more money than you, it's ok because I'll take care of the both of us. Seriously, we don't ever have to leave the house. Or at least you don't......just wait for me.......in my room.......every day. I'll provide you with nutrition and clothing (read: Viagra, water and a loin cloth).

Is it hot in here?

Where was I? Oh yes, I know this is shocking to you, it was shocking to me the first time I saw your hands next to me, so close, yet so far away. I couldnt help it, they are big and masculine, a little veiny, but strong. They are tough, brawny, well built manly hands. It doesn't hurt that your rock hard ass could crack a walnut, but I digress. Oh how I swoon and I know that you might be one sandwich short of a picnic basket, but I don't mind, I like 'em a little dim.....hell look at my ex.

This is not the time to be shy - carpe diem my good man. I don't bite (lie), I'll be gentle (another lie). We'll be very happy together (at least I will) for a very long time.......perhaps even a whole week. And if you're not into the commitment thing, that's ok, I think I might get over it........that is after I've sucked the life out of your body and leave your limp carcass lying in the bedroom guzzling Gatorade trying to replace the electrolytes I have drained from you. It happens - hey I'm a woman with needs.

I think I've made my point. I'll see you later at the bus stop where I anxiously await (stalk) your reply. I heart your bod.

Respectfully yours,
M

Mediocre Part 2

2006-06-06T10:17:00.000-04:00

Wow, the romantics have it. I probably received more feedback on yesterday's post than any other post I've written in the last year and three months. If you didn't already know, I write a bit for two other websites and that post has completely touched a nerve with those who believe firmly in real tangible love. People feel very strongly about this topic and were seriously up in arms at the thought of settling for something less than deserving.

Thank you.

In a way my readers read my little blurbs and automatically feel it is I that I am solely talking about - sometimes yes, mostly no. Ideas do come from my life, but they also come from the lives of my friends, those who are single and/or dating. None of us are married yet (well one is well on her way), but we still face the same obstacles day to day. My core group is small, but my network is large and I feed off them and their situations.

I want to say thank you to those who care enough and are passionate enough to write out your thoughts and feelings or even advise me, Meredith (insert very Italian last name here) that settling is not an option. I know this, and I thank you. I broached the question more out of curiosity because I can think of several people I know personally and through work who have done just that - settled. Of course these people are in their late thirties and early forties and that's a big difference. I wonder what the turnout would be if we pooled those older than this readership to see their take, would it be jaded and cynical, or down right love absorbed like us crazy kids? When its a question of timing and mortality I think youll find the answers might be different.

Come on now, there ARE men out there who want a family by a decent age and there ARE women out there who feel their biological clock is ticking, so in that case, wouldn't you say its fair to settle? I'm not saying that people don't eventually find mutual love and admiration, look at Will and Grace. Yes they are fictional, but at the same time they had that love and understanding even though they were not in love. Are you catching my drift now?

For people like you and me, younger generation, (although that's rapidly changing) this notion might not be feasible. I'm certainly not ready to settle, but I do know people who are because they honestly want to start their lives....their "adult" lives, you know - house, car, family, 2.5 kids......the whole sha-bang. I guess unless you've truly known what its like to be madly in love you really don't know what you're missing. Movies can only depict it so far, but watching it and being part of it are two totally different animals. Whirl wind romances are hard to come by, I myself was fortunate to experience that in my life, therefore I already know I cannot accept anything less, but if you've never known what its like to be smitten to the point of insanity, perhaps living a life that's so commonplace isn't so bad.

Mediocre

2006-06-05T07:44:00.000-04:00

Its about time and I know one thing is for sure...I'm ready. I'm finally ready for a relationship. Its been a year now and I know I've dated a few people since, but I've either pushed them away or I haven't chosen wisely to whom I dated, but now, now its different and I know I'm ready. I know I want a relationship and I know I want someone there. The difference between now and then is that I think I'll choose more wisely and I think I'm a bit more perseptive because I know its ok to be alone. I know its ok to do things alone.

All that being said, is it right to date someone that you only have mediocre feelings for? What if this person looks great on paper, but the spark is “eh” – is it fair to continue seeing them? What if you respect this person, you like them, you think the world of them, is it ok to continue?

What if you’ve had nothing but a string of bad relationships, ok, maybe not a string of bad relationships, but more like unlucky ones - ones that didn't work out for one reason or another. What if this time you meet someone and you say to yourself, He/She has their shit together, they are nice looking, good job, good personality, no psycho traits…basically normal….but that innate spark that draws out the “WOO HOO” is missing? They don't make you all tingly inside.

Is it fair to the other person? Let’s put it this way - they are happier than a pig in shit to be with you. Life is good for them because they are looking forward to being with you. They cherish you…they treat you well and want nothing more than to make you happy….their needs are being met and fulfilled. They are none the wiser and go along with the charade….even if they have an inkling of what’s up, they’re not rocking the boat because you’re “it” for them.

Is that fair?

Lets be real here, it isn’t like the movies, there isn’t one special person for you that you are destined to be with. Sure people do find that kind of love and they are the exception to the rule, but that’s like one in 20 billion leaving the rest of us feeling our relationships are less adequate. We look at women who marry sports personas and we think, “Oh she’s just in it for the money” – but what if she has had nothing but bad relationships and she’s trying something different for a change, or perhaps all she's ever met were average Joe's and she's just smart enough to have figured it out, money over lover. Far fetched but its fitting for this scenario so poo on you.

Tough question….very tough. I guess through understanding and caring you could learn to love someone, but is that right? Is there something morally wrong with that? I mean you shouldn't have to learn something like love.

I’m a big advocate for not wasting anyone’s time and I appreciate honesty in these situations whether I am the one being honest, or its the other way around because in the end you don’t want to hurt the other person especially if they are decent human being. In these circumstances honesty is the best policy.

I think each time one of us goes through a break up, we lose a little bit of ourselves. We try to protect ourselves from the pain again, but at the same time we turn away the good eggs. We are waiting for the WOW factor - the WOO HOO that makes us feel funny inside. But what if a good egg steps up to the plate and at first glance there is nothing wrong with them….like I said, on paper they are awesome and you’d be stupid to turn them away, however, its mediocre lukewarm feelings that you have….but on the other hand all you’ve ever dated were psycho’s and retards….shouldn’t you give him/her a fair shot? Try something different?

Some of us want to be challenged, some of us like the hunt, some of us want to be pursued and I’m finding now more than ever that when it’s served up on a silver platter its always going to be “eh.” Tell me this hasn’t happened to you and I retort bullshit. Its been done to me and I sure as hell have done it countless times, but at least now I recognize it before the damage is truly done.

So I ask, is it the lack of challenge or is it the lack of WOO HOO factor that has us craving more, wanting more, pushing away the average Jane/Joe's?

2006-05-30T10:58:00.000-04:00

Why? Why does this keep happening to me? A guy will have something with me...a chance, maybe even dating me, maybe a full fledged relationship, but after we are said and done, he comes back to tell me that I'm the one that got away. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

I know I have been absent, but its just weird now. I don't have the urge to share my life so much, probably because I'm not as confused as I once was.....shit, I should have started reading my gut a long time ago. But anyway, here's the scoop on my latest dilly.

In high school I always got the feeling that Chris had a bit of a crush on me. He even tried kicking it to me once and I was like, "uh...no." He was always really sweet to me, good looking, but he was a complete slacker so I always shot him down. Got me so far? Then we reconnected on MySpace and he just "had" to see me. I obliged because I was so happy to reconnect with another person from high school. One night I go to BLU (he bounces there sometimes to help out the owner whom he knows) and after he gets off from work we go to the diner and chit chat. He fills me in on his life and what's going on with his girlfriend (very on again off again relationship) - he tells me EVERYTHING like I'm some kind of shrink. Oh, by the way, I'm LOADED - what else is new? Anyway, we go back to his place and we stay up ALL night long drinking (oh brother), looking through the year book (that was like 2 hours right there) - so now its like 5 a.m. and he tells me to stay over. We lay in bed and we talk until about 9 - he smooches me, we fool around, but nothing major, it was all very casua, it didn't feel wrong and plus it didn't go far....at all, just minor stuff. Remember, we're both at this point sort of in relationships, but not really. (I was dating this kid at the time). We say good bye at like 7 the next night - again we hung out ALL DAY LONG. It was fun, but I certainly didn't read into it. At this point I'm not about to bark up anyone's tree.

He emails me a few days later and tells me that him and his girl got back together, I told him I thought it was great news and if anything he should try to work it out. A few days after that he calls me and tells me that his cell phone was stolen. I'm like, "How did you get my number then?" - he said through some Verizon connect or something - whatever. Then he tells me more gossip about the troubles with his girl and how its really really over this time - he caught her cheating red handed. Like wow. I try to be a friend and tell him he's got to do what he's got to do. We talk some more like friends do about this kind of stuff. I was the first person he called after all this crazy stuff went down with his girlfriend so I'm thinking that we're good friends and that's that.

Well I don't hear from him again and I'm like WTF? I certainly wasn't going to go out of my way to call him and hang out. In a way I felt like I was reading between the lines and I told him that night that if he was trying to hook up with me on the rebound that he might as well go bark up another tree because homey don't play that. He said he liked me to much to do that. Aw - yeh....whatever.

This past weekend my friend Matt bumps into him and they get to talking. Matt tells Chris that we're good friends and Chris goes into this whole thing about how he fucked up...he's an asshol and he fucked up. He gets my number from Matt and he immediately starts texting me and then calls me on Sunday. I haven't returned his phone call. Why you ask? Because he's the type of guy I fall for all the time and as much as we are good friends, I'd go weak in the knees for him and screw up something potentially good with my new potential. He is the type I've dated before and now he's got his shit together and that makes him even more yummy....a bad case for disaster with me. I'll call him back tonight and be friendly - maybe even hang with him again, but I'll have to establish boundaries.....not saying that he wants anything from me, but I'm not taking that chance.

I mean Chris is yummy with a spoon, I'd jump on his head six different ways from Tuesday. I'm trying to do the good thing here because I really do enjoy playing with fire, but I won't. I can't. My new potential is too good to fuck up. At least I know that now beforehand.

But why is it that guys realize this about me after the fact? Why do they want to rekindle? Is it because I've moved on? Or was I that awesome that they still think about me. Good question and perhaps I'll ask him should the question arise.

Unbelievable

2006-05-12T10:35:00.000-04:00

I KNEW that something wasn't right. I just knew it. I second guessed myself when really I should have read my gut. I knew this kid was into me and that I wasn't deluding myself to believe he liked me more than he did.

When I used to tell my friends that he was really into me they didn't want to believe it. They gave me sympathetic glances like I was crazy and blowing his actions out of proportion. But that is not the case. Oh no.

You know how I said we'd be friends? Well we knew that we both had tickets for last night's Yankee/Boston game so we stayed in semi-contact so we could meet up to tailgate. Well long story short during the game B (my best guy friend) and I moved down to where Joseph's seats were and we hung out with him and his friend. With me so far? Wouldn't you know it....Joseph starts flirting with me and its VERY apparent. (I am going to try and cut this down so its not too long) I turn to B and I'm like "You're seeing all this right?" - because I tell B all my stories and he sometimes thinks I'm making this shit up and blowing things out of proportion. Anyway, so Joseph says to me, "You must think I'm a complete shit for what I did." And I basically told him I didn't really want to talk about it - that I had something to say, but not there. He keeps prodding me and finally I blurt it out. I say, "Listen, you and I did what we did for however long. We tried setting up three dates, all of which you cancelled. I was a little upset because I felt you didn't give it a shot. You didn't give it a chance. Plus I don't think the reason why you dumped me was the whole reason. I think there was more to it....I don't know what, but I think there was more. But yeh you basically didn't give us a shot."

His response? "You're right. I didn't and I regret it" - AND THEN he continued to flirt with me ALL NIGHT LONG. I shot him down so many times it was comical. We went to the bathroom and in the hallway he was like, “Hug me.” And he started kissing my cheeks and trying to whisper in my ear and then he actually tried to kiss me!!! NOT HAPPENING. THEN he wanted me to come over to his place to "talk." I told him that I'd hang with him, but there was no chance in hell of ANYTHING happening. After the game I totally blew off his text messages until I dropped B off and then I called him and told him not a chance.

What is wrong with this kid? He is SOOOO hot and cold its unreal. We're still cool because I handled it rather well, and we have plans to chill next week with my sister and her husband, but WTF? What is that? Loser. I mean he was relentless last night to the point where B said, “YO, when are you two going to start making out?” – it was actually funny, but I am SOOOOO glad B was there because he witnessed it FIRST hand and now I don’t feel like a complete quack. My stories about Joseph now have validity.

Over Extension

2006-05-09T08:23:00.000-04:00

Life has been very busy lately to say the least. I guess when you make a conscious effort to slow things down in the “dating” department, you take that step back and somehow become more busy to occupy your “spare” time. Ironic right? People tend to invite you to more places, and of course you say yes to way too many events and stretch yourself thin trying to fit it all in because why pass up the opportunity to do these random things? It IS the start of the good weather after all and no one is the boss of me. I have no one tying me down, no one to compare social calendars with, just moi.

That’s what’s happening right now. I'm busier by the day. Its all my fault and I’m not complaining, god no, I am lucky to be able to do the things I do and have the friends that I have….but god, being “on” can get tiring.

Do you get what I mean when I say “on?” I’m not performing, but its in my nature to be pleasing to my friends and make sure we all have a good time. In all honesty its about the company you keep, not what you do. I’m a good friend and I try not to be the poop of the group – you know, Ms. Grumpy. Instead I’m the fun of the group, the wild child. But it takes its toll every once in a while and I'm getting fried.

For example, with summer on the way, the Spring is being kicked off quite nicely. I’m playing softball (I’m laying the SMACK DOWN), heading to more and more Yankee games, people are having their much anticipated parties and/or BBQ’s, Great Adventure is open, its just about shore weather – god its all piling up! One thing after the next! Weekends are getting booked at a rapid pace to a point now where I need a break because I’ll burn out by mid June if I don’t start taking it easy….plus my liver is seriously starting to hate me, he called me a bitch last night and kicked me in the side. True story.

But how do you slow down when you wait all winter to enjoy these things? How do you say no to what sounds like an awesome time!?! Especially when your friends easily appeal to your senses of good times and great memories - I could be hit by a car a week from now and not have lived enough to truly enjoy my life.

Its not that I “need” to do any of these things and I sure as hell do not have the mentality that, “if I don’t go I’ll miss something” oh hell no. I go and I do because the reason is simple….it sounds like fun. Why not? Life is too short. But hot damn I’m getting tired. I’m over committing myself to too many things and I didn’t even realize it. I love my friends, I’ve spoken at length about them before and I cherish the fact that they think of me to invite me out, but god, when I say no, some people actually get pissy with me. What is that?

I am by no means Ms. Popularity…ok that’s a lie, I do have a vast array of friends, but I feel like I’m over-extending myself to spend time with all of them. Unfortunately certain people get pushed to the wayside, not by fault, but by default. I try to make it a first come first serve basis to chill because I don’t want to be a douche….alas, these things happen.

Sunday for the first day in well over two weeks I blew it all off. I stayed in and as much as it felt good, I felt guilty because I had to blow off two different sets of people in order to accomplish it. So sad. I have to say though, it felt great to stay in bed late. And then I took myself to a movie which was good (Miii) and relaxed the rest of the day watching the boob tube. My sanity is slowly making its self present once again, but with two Boston vs. Yankee games this week, my plate is already full.

A year ago my life was thrown in a tail spin and I didn’t think I would recover. Hold up - another lie, I should say that I knew I would survive and move on but I certainly didn’t think I would be complaining about lack of time for myself. Heavens no. I’m thankful, but I guess I need to learn how to say no to some people now. Perhaps take another step back and chill out a bit. Yep, that’s the ticket, take time for me and do me. Ok, there we go, I have my agenda for the weekend.

I hate him

2006-04-28T14:02:00.000-04:00

Last week or the week before I told you all that if you saw Ted - shoot him on site.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go to a NFL Draft party. I've been looking forward to this for a long time and I was happy to see a few friends I haven't been able to see....that is until I just received a phone call that Ted may be there as well.

SHIT FUCKING ASSHOLE FUCK FUCK

When I heard the news I automatically got sick and I told Joe, "I'm not going." to which he replied, "He said the same thing." My feeling is this - I was invited first, Joe's girlfriend is going because I'm going and if Ted really doesn't want to be around me, then he can go fuck himself and go to another party. If anything I'll ruin his time by being there OR he just won't be able to come for the simple fact I'll be there. ASSHOLE. I hate him.

I don't think I'm ready to see him again though - in all seriousness. I'm not in love with him, I hate him, but what disappoints me most is the fact that all this dating I've done, well I have yet to meet someone who I have that simple connection with. Its so sad that this person who could have been my everything is such an asshole. The hate comes from the disappointment. It comes from my own stupidity for being with him for so long. For believing he would change, for putting faith into a waste of flesh like himself. God I hate him for provoking this feeling from me every time there is a threat of seeing him.

I hate him and I hate myself more for allowing him to have this effect. My stomach hurts now and I just want to go home. I want to cry, I want run away. My eyes are tearing up because there is still so much hurt and pain.

I'll let you all know Monday what happens. Wish me luck - luck that he doesn't show.

Blondie

2006-04-27T08:32:00.000-04:00

Hey guys - check it, I'm a blonde. Who would have thunk it right? This isn't the best picture since it was taken with my camera phone last night, but you get the idea. Its hot.

Tonight I'm headed to the Yankee game. At first I was pretty stoked about it, but now I'm kind of dreading it. You need the scenario and the facts so here they are.

Trixie is now dating the brother of Peter. Do you remember Peter? Peter was dating Agnus and she caused this riff between us because Peter hit on me while dating her - he used to do it all the time even before they dated but whatever. Anyway, tonight Trixie organized this whole game excursion and now its her, her boyfriend, our friend H (I've made out with him last summer), Peter and their other brother. Back in the day we were all friends and all was good with the world, but now there is a tension - not by my doing either. Part of me wants to tell them all to fuck off, but another part just wants things to be chill like they used to be. It won't happen though...to bad.

So its all of them and me. I'm sooo the outsider tonight and I'm not sure how I'll deal - I'll probably sit back and chill and not offer up by way of conversation. Of course orginally I was bringing a friend but their police training is not ending until late so I'm ass out on that home front.

I did however get my sister to agree to come and we'll chill major and have a great time - but still, I have to see all these dufus' and that's not cool. Trixie isn't understanding 100% why I feel like an outsider but then again she's in lover's bliss right now. I'm happy for her, totally, but she needs to tone it down a bit...just a tad.

Even when I try to stay out of the loop, out of the drama - it still finds me. What is that? I dont' want to drop friends and I've made quite a few new ones, but still its not easy. Whatever.

I'm really quite comfortable with things lately so this is just a small blip in the system, I'm sure I'll be fine.

That's about it for now. Have a great day and I'll be chatting with you soon.

In Due Time

2006-04-25T10:38:00.000-04:00

Its been an interesting few weeks to say the least. I know I haven’t been writing to this site as much and the reason is simple. I don’t need to anymore. I don’t find that I analyze and second guess myself as much as I used to. My life isn’t exactly perfect – hell I’m dealing with more issues now than ever, difference is that now I know who I am. I am comfortable with me and I make better choices as a result of knowing me and reading my gut better.

Sure I am still helping my parents with money – hell yesterday alone I wrote close to $1000 in bills, but its all good. And yes there is no man in my life – but that’s old news, I’m used to being alone at this point. And no, my car still hasn’t been sold and I’m still living at home (not by choice). I haven’t lost the 10 lbs. I promised myself I would lose and I still think about the loyalties of some friends…

None of it matters. None. Its all small potatoes compared to the bigger picture…the outlook I’m now viewing as my motivation to keep on keeping on.

Last week I came to a realization…yes I’ve discussed this realization before, this theory, but its never sunk in and hit me so hard as when the chips were down last week. I can’t believe someone is going to save me and make it better – so I applied to school again and if all goes well, I’ll be back in classes on May 22nd. Good for me. I also haven’t been hanging out with my friends as much – opting to switch it up and see people I haven’t seen in a while. I’m being more diverse and letting more people into my life.

It’s a good thing.

I am more comfortable with me and I don’t’ need the kick ass wild times that I was having – although they still occur. Hell two Friday’s in a row I pulled all nighters – but I don’t feel the urge to share them like I used to and I don’t know why. Its odd I guess, but I’m not going to analyze – I accept it for what it is and I do what I want to now. The good thing about being single is not having to worry about another person, I’m left to my own devices….which normally gets me in trouble, but its good trouble. I like it – I like me and I’m happy.

Certainly there are times that I wish things were different, but the reality of the matter is, I have to make them different. I have to make them better and I’m doing that. I do wish I was living on my own, but family needs me now – everything will happen in due time. All of it…when the time is right.

The Whole Story

2006-04-19T10:20:00.000-04:00

Now that this guy is no longer a potential, I can fully disclose the story and nothing but the story. Its long though but I want to give it to you accurately.

My sister has been talking up this guy that works for my brother-in-law for two years now. She'd tell me stories about him and how if I was single she would love to set us up because he's so funny and wonderful blah blah blah. But even when I became single, I kind of blew it off because things are supposed to happen when they happen, I wasn't pushing anything, plus my brother-in-law had his reservations about the whole thing. Understandable, I've known my brother-in-law shince I was 9 and this is also an employee of his.

Its two years later and my sister becomes part of the cult....she becomes a MySpacer...(GASP!!). Its all in good fun and she's reconnected with a lot of old friends and whatnot. But this guy....Joseph is on MySpace and of course quickly becomes a friend on her list. Somehow, someway him and I become friendly online and chit chat leaving comments and whatnot for about a good two months. Every once in a while he'll invite me out to hang with his crew and I do the same but schedules never truly mesh so it doesn't happen right away - again, we're talking a good 2-3 months here until...

One day things work out and we finally decide to hang. To make a long story short, I meet up with him and his crew....not expecting a damn thing other than chilling with my girl Nicole and maybe meeting some new peeps. At this point I'm not looking for a man, I've been hanging back doing my own thing.

Well.

The second, I mean....the SECOND we make eye contact its evident something is going on. We both ignore our friends and yap the whole night, drinking, laughing, dancing....having a ball. I mean it was a blast!!!...and then he starts making advances on me. I'm like "Whoa....alright, I can do this." and of course he winds up kissing me. Well that's it, the gloves are off and so are we. I mean it was something out of left field for me, but whatever, I'm not a kill a joy so I go along with it, plus he's sooo much fun. He's the male version of me.

I give him a ride home (Nicole and I came in separate cars and he came with a friend so its all good). We get back to his place and I meet his amazing dog and then he's on me like white on rice....and its hot. We're on the couch, the chair and somehow wind up on the floor. We're rolling all over one another - its getting crazy...but there is no way in hell I'm sleeping with him....but I'm having fun. We call it a night, we have some good laughs....it ends there.

The following week is St. Patty's Day and I have big plans...but again, my plans always get bashed and things change. Trixie and I are at a bar with H and H gets so loaded he can't come with us to Hoboken where my friends Joe and B are. I'm pissed because we delayed everything so he could come and now we've missed our opportunity to get to Hoboken because it gets PACKED there. But guess what? Joseph is available and at a bar not far from where we are. I pack up Trixie and we're off.

Again, the second I see him, we're all about each other. I'm mingling, I'm having a grand ol' time and he asks me to see him again the following night....low key - his place. Ok - fine by me.

Saturday night I get to his place and its again, another great time. We talked for 3 hours straight, yes we had some wine, but it was going very very well. I'm getting the vibe, I'm putting out the vibe, but keeping my distance....untill he kisses me....and then all bets are off. We go at it and its intense and wonderful....everything I've been needing, everything I've been wanting. WHOOP OH BOY!...and yes, I make the fatal mistake of sleeping with him. The next day I have no regrets, but I do tell him that until him and I figure stuff out, I don't want my brother and sister knowing what is going on. Its ok to be friends, but I dont' want them all up in my business.

BIG MISTAKE.

The next few weeks we hang out at bars in groups, I visit him at his place, he takes ill for a little over a week, but we continue having a good time, but its not taking off the way it should. We have pretty good sex, but I'm starting to feel like its not going anywhere and I really want to talk to him about it. Its not bothering me that we are relaxed and chill like that, but it bothers me that when we are together I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but outside of physical presence....he's just not around. So I decide I have to talk to him. I have to get this off my chest. We have plans to meet last Wednesday, but he gets pretty banged up at the Yankee game and it doesn't happen. Damn. Ok - next time. We have plans for Friday night....but then the movers don't come on time to help move his dad so he has to cancel. Strike two. He does call me later in the evening around 10:30 to tell me they got done and they are going to a bar if I want to come with. Fine, my friends are leaving the bar anyway, I might as well go see him. I get to the bar and things are a little strained but he's putting out the vibe. Another good time and then that night he tells me, "We are so going to dinner next week." Cool I think to myself I can talk to him then, but I will be a nice girl and talk to him BEFORE we go to dinner and not during. I've got this whole plan.

Doesn't happen that way. NOPE - instead I get an email that he doesn't feel we have "it" and that he doesn't want to string me along. What is that? That's what he's been doing all along. I don't know if I'm more pissed about the email or the fact that he beat me to it. I haven't really analyzed it, if anything I've learned my lesson...I dont sleep with people so fast, but I allowed it this time. Idiot.

Here I am back at square one again. I'm not upset over him...no that's the funny part, normally I would be a basket case, but I guess I take comfort in the fact that I knew I didn't want anything with him any longer...but DAMN - an email??? I do take solice in the fact that I called him out on it...and then called him a homo - but that's another story. LOL.

I live and I learn.

You Can't Make This Shit Up

2006-04-18T13:56:00.000-04:00

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!!! Can't. Can't!!!!

Check it.

So I wrote about that guy yesterday...the one I've been seeing, the one I'm on the fence about. he one I was apprehensive to write about for fear of jinxing......guess what? Today I get an "I'm not feeling this anymore" email. You just can't make this shit up.

First, what is that? An email. Come on now. Second, I don't know if I'm more pissed that it was an email or that he beat me to the punch. I have to laugh about it all though. Really I do. At least its over and I can breathe again not worrying if its going to work or not.

Here I am again...back in the saddle. I never really was exclusive with him so that's a good thing, I didn't kill all my back burners....but I think that I'll take it easy for a bit.

Its funny because at first I was like WTF? I didn't get it, like was I really reading this email? But then I was like, "Wait a minute, I wasn't all that interested anyway....why cry over spilled milk right?" I think its all worked out for the best.

I think the real hurdle for me was when I was writing a blog post for my myspace account and I discussed the differences in my male and female friends and their advice. I wrote:

"My girlfriends upon hearing the shitty ass news tried to console me. They sent me emails, text messages and called me to make sure I was ok (yes, this news was that bad). Those are my girls, my support system, they are my true friends. LOVE THEM. I don't know where I would be without them.

However, my guy friends upon hearing the same shitty ass news did not email me, text me or call me with words of encouragement - instead they invited me out drinking. The funny part is, get a few drinks into men and they love to analyze, critique and give their opinion, they just do it differently than my girls. I find it funny - I love it that for all their macho behavior, they really are a bunch of yentas.

You see, girls look at things emotionally, they attach a feeling to an idea, whereas men take the idea for what it is, chop it up and move on once they've settled on a hypothesis that's agreeable to them. Girls can't do that until they have an emotional sentiment of closure. That's the difference between my friends....that's why I need both in my life for their analytical prowess of gossip, conjecture, humor and love.

Both sets of friends served their purpose well and I went home to bed in a much better mood than I had been all day. Of course it was short lived as my day of shit almost and I stress "almost" turned to two days of shit when I received an email this morning that could very well have left me feeling rather unsettled the rest of the day. Let's be honest, who can really survive two days of being punched in the neck? But alas that is not to happen....you know why? Because why sweat the small stuff? The very people I just wrote about are the ones who help my fuel economy so that I don't waste energies where I don't need to. I have great friends and writing this is yet another example of how fortunate I am to have them. I love you guys. MWAH!"

And its the truth - right in the midst of writing this, I instantly felt better. I am in a great mood right now...and its amazing to me because a year ago I thought I couldn't live without a man in my life...now I can't imagine having one. Its odd.

Happy Anniversity to this blog which turned 1 year old on April 14th. Thank you for your support guys....I love ya.

Shoot on Site

2006-04-17T10:04:00.000-04:00

If you see this cocksucking, asshole muther fucker dickbag piece of shit waste of flesh oxygen eating worthless crap - please shoot on site.

I haven't had to deal with his sorry ass in 6 months, but I just received a notice of collection that I'm being sued because this ass fuck was making 900 calls on my phone back in February 2005. I heard the recording and everything. I hate this son of a bitch with every morsel of my body. HATE - strong word but funny how it doesn't touch the sentiments I truly have.

Does it stop? EVER? Please tell me yes...please tell me that I will once and for all be done with his dumb fucking life interferring with mine.

Enough is Enough

2006-04-17T08:32:00.000-04:00

When do I say enough is enough? I've been reluctant to write about this one guy because as we all know, once I write about someone it basically seals their doom.

What I will tell you is that I've been - I guess the correct term would be "seeing" him for a while now and at first, when I first met him I was over joyed at the prospect of him. I felt that if there was someone who could potentially break through my wall of comittment phobia, it would be him. It was just that good.

I don't want to get into too much detail, he is after all still a part of my life, but we've only seen each other rather sporadically....when we see each other its either out with a group of friends or its at his place watching a movie and (cough cough) doing other stuff. (Go Mer!).....but anyway, we have yet to have a real date. Oh sure he was really sick for about a week or two and this Saturday he said, "We are so going out to dinner this week." - but the night before he was a little flimsy in his demeanor toward me around friends. I'm not sure how to read it all because my gut is telling me something....bugging me. I'm not used to a guy not being so present in my life once they are interested. I'm not used to not knowing what is up. Its all very new.

But I will say this, I've been just as lax. I haven't been up his ass - oh hell to the no. I won't do that ever again. Plus, I like to keep my back burners, but this guy....well I thought he was special enough to keep all the back burners at arms length, which I have done. Come on now, who are we talking about here? Mer is playing the field until someone says otherwise.

For the most part, we are extremely compatible, we get along very well, but its nagging me that he's not exactly very forthcoming with the dating issue. Does that make sense? A few times I've had the opportunity to ask him what it was that we had going on, but I didn't and I don't know why. Do you think it could be because I already know it won't go the distance? I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I'm allowing my insecurities with men dictate what happens to them. I'm proud of the fact that I haven't been whining about it and carrying on. I'm proud that I don't let him dictate my life. But he would have to be a complete ass to assume that he is the only guy interested in me. Sheesh.

That's about it for now...that's where I am as far as relationships go. Everything else is rather peachy keen. I have more to write on the topic, but I fear it might cause that inevitable jinx....then again maybe I already know what direction this is headed therefore its ok I write about it. Huh - now there's a thought.

My current thoughts on this guy are when should I say enough is enough? When should I make the decision that his lack of a wanted presence in my life isn't enough? I think I'll see if we do actually have a dinner date this week. If we do, I'll guage my decision on the dinner and see if we talk about "us" at all. If we don't have the date and I don't have clear answers, then its hasta la pasta for him.

Second Chances

2006-04-06T06:41:00.000-04:00

Lately I’ve been put in circumstances that I haven’t been in before. Its most likely a result of being single. I guess when you are single and only responsible for yourself, you are more open and apt to do things you wouldn’t normally do if you were in a relationship. Many times I’ve found myself saying “why not?” – Why not give it a shot? Why not just try it? Life is too short.

That’s how I feel about second chances…unless the consequences of said event warrants a “you are dead to me” kind of reaction then in most cases its ok. Because let’s be honest, sometimes you can’t forgive an individual for the hurt and pain they’ve caused. Other than that, I’ve learned that people aren’t perfect, they fuck up and so do I.

We’ve all received second chances and even rewarded others with them. They can be work related, friendship related, even family related but for the sake of this post we’ll focus more on the relationship aspect of a second chance.

For me, when you break up with someone you can’t go back. The hurt is there, the pain ever present. It takes a lot from both individuals to work past that and I find that many people aren’t capable because one or the other isn’t wiling to put in the effort. Second chances in love are far and few between and seldom work out. I know plenty of people who have gone back to ex’s, but think about it, how many times did that truly work in their favor when it was a dismal relationship to begin with? Pain and stubbornness….true killers.

My question is - Is dating any different? I’m not so cynical to admit that when its right, its right, but a first date can’t always be perfect, it just doesn’t happen. Do you give it another whirl or do you accept it for what it is/was? Now I’m a little old fashioned and I’ll wait for the guy to call me, sure it doesn’t always work out, but how else will I weed out those who aren’t interested in me? Its kind of simple, but some women/men can’t push aside their ego long enough to realize that perhaps the other person simply wasn’t feeling you.

I have a friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend and she finds herself in these predicaments quite a lot with new men. She’s not used to being alone and will make excuses for a man’s lack of presence just so in her minds eye, she’s not alone. She will pine for him until she receives even the slightest of communication taking it as “a sign” that he’s still interested. There is only so much advice to give her and the best I do is tell her this. My feeling is that if someone wants to be with you, they make themselves more present in your life…they make themselves and their feelings known. How much can you chuck off to bad timing? There is a fine line and you have to read in between….some people are finicky and they’ll lead you around by the nose, that’s when they don’t get a second chance. Nope – can’t do it because when you snooze, you lose. I told her, you have to have some kind of self respect because if you don’t, then who will? You are giving a green light to everyone to step all over you.

It comes down to a matter of opinion and reading your gut. In a time when its all about playing the game, you have to step up to the plate and make some executive decisions about who does and who does not get a second chance otherwise its something taken for granted.

A second chance, if anything, gives you yourself more clarity because then you can formulate your own love hypothesis and decide if this is something to pursue or not. Second chances aren’t only for the person who fucked up, but also can be closure for the fuckee. Think about it.

Reconnecting.....Faltering

2006-04-04T10:44:00.000-04:00

Reconnecting with Fisch has brought me back in time. Its been nice to say the very least. As a result I've now reconnected with three other people I went to high school with - its been a ton of fun.

But here's where it gets awkward, there is still that "connection" that we had - the what if factor still looms over our heads leaving us in a state of limbo....no one wants to cross "that" line. He is married after all and I'm single. I don't want any compromising situations arising....so I nipped it in the bud already.....and I don't know where that leaves us. I want to be his friend, I KNOW the line and I don't want to cross it and it doesn't make me comfortable that I had to set things straight. NOTHING happened, no comments that were inappropriate were made, but there was a sense that it could and I don't want that. Now I think its going to be all awkward and stuff. Yuk. I did the right thing, I did what I had to do. I can't help but feel its not fair - two people can't be friends even though they only will ever be friends. sticky.

This isn't the first time I've had this happen either. I'm not by any stretch of the imagination a beauty pageant winner, but I've been told that I'm attractive and I think what helps is my personality - in saying that men feel more apt to talk to me and open up. Its ok, but when a man isn't getting attention at home, they see a pretty face that they can relate to and these notions of grandeur appear. I hate it. If I had a boyfriend it would be a different story, but right now I'm veiwed as a threat and that's so not the case.

Aye dios mio.

The most notorious occurence happened to me in high school - although not an isolated case - by far the most significant. I always dated older guys out of high school - I never dated anyone from school. Too many rumors, everyone always knew what was going on, never any privacy. I was smart. But all my "guy" friends had crushes on me and their girlfriends didn't appreciate it. Even if I was friends with both of them BEFORE they were together, it never worked, the girl would inevitably wind up jealous. Sigh. So sad.

Tim and I became friends Sophmore year....we were inseperable at school. I was dating George and Tim was dating a girl from another school. I was also friendly with Nancy - we had no bones with each other. But it became popular knowledge that Tim liked me. To be honest, if I was single I might have dated him, but I was in love with George. I can remember clear as day Tim telling me that if I ever broke up with George to give him a chance. I laughed it off of course. Tim was devestated when I started dating Glenn though. By god was he because he was single at the time it occurred - that's when he started dating Nancy.

All of a sudden I was the enemy. She hated me....of course because I was friends with a lot of people, she didn't exactly make her dislike for me very known, but it was there. Evident. On the day of our graduation I got in a big fight with Glenn and we basically broke up. I was devestated....and Tim clung to my side the entire time. That night at project graduation Tim and Jeremy sat there and tried to make me feel better....at Nancy's expense too. He ignored her all night and at about 1:00 a.m., Nancy came around with every piece of jewelry Tim had every given her and said, "Give this to your new girlfriend Meredith."

Ouch.

After that night I never say Tim, nor Nancy ever again.....but guess who ran the 10 year reunion this past November? Nancy. And guess who she married? Tim. Go figure.

It would have been awkward to say the very least. Not that that was the sole reason why I didn't go, but it totally factored it in. Maybe I'll go to the next one.

Anyway, so its happened again. Not that Fisch's wife said anything....she probably doesn't even know we are friends, I mean its only been a little over a week. Still, I didn't want to be stuck in the middle, I didn't even want a chance that any "feelings" could be noticed.

I'm not happy about it....at all. Partly because it was nice to talk to him again. He's funny, he made me laugh again.....my life is becoming rather serious lately and it was nice to forget for a minute. Very nice.

House/Dog Sitting

2006-03-31T11:38:00.000-05:00

This weekend I am house sitting for friends of mine. I'll be making a quick buck, watching a dog and taking a little me time. Not bad right?

I love the people I'm house sitting for...good peeps, but I'm not crazy about the dog and I'm a dog lover. He's just a pain in the ass, but its all good. I'm not complaining. I'm actually in a good mood considering I got NOOOOOOOO sleep. God I wish I was kidding. Check it. I get up to the house in Butler (20 minutes past where I live now). The hostess asked me if I wanted anything (food wise) in the house and I told her that whatever she had was fine...with me so far? She tells me that right now she is on a diet and the house is very "low fat friendly." - again, not a problem - the Mer could use to lose a few pounds....so I walk the dog, get settled in and decide I have a few hours to kill before all the Thursday night shows start. I throw in "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory" (w/ Johnny Depp) and relax. Twenty minutes into the movie Mer is CRAVING chocoloate....good god I have NEVER in my whole life wanted chocolate so bad....I look in the fridge...nothing but weight watcher lasagna, milk, eggs, low fat bread, water and OJ. I turn to the cabinets....same thing - all low fat stuff, pretzels, bland cereal....I'm ready to punch myself in the neck. I start pawing at my skin, clawing myself for a measly little piece of chocolate thinking to myself "What kind of dieter is she if she doens't have a stash!!!" So I did what any self respecting girl in my position would do.....I poured myself a glass of wine.

It happens.

BUT the story doesn't end there....no sleep occurred. I had a nice little buzz going on, but animal kingdom wouldn't stay quiet...nope. The dog wouldn't stop moving on the bed, the ferret kept making noices on his stupid wheel.....the train station across the street had a freight come through about 1:30 a.m......adn then the bar next door closed leaving all the drunks to meander out of there at their leisure hooting and hollaing at the top of their lunch. Oh brother.

Oh yeh, we gots a cranky Mer on our hands today. I'm all puffy and gross...but life is still good. I'm still happy.

Reconnecting

2006-03-28T13:32:00.000-05:00

We are all at an age that this has occurred at least once and the moment it happens, it stops us dead in our tracks and instantly brings us back down memory lane. It’s the inevitable “running” into someone from the past, sometimes its good, sometimes its bad….way bad.

For a few weeks now, I’ve had random dreams about my ex-husband and sure enough, my dreams were right. Last week I was at the gym kicking ass on the elliptical trainer. At 31 minutes I was telling myself to go for 40….and then I look up at the door, low and behold, my ex walks in. I have no issues seeing him, we don’t hate each other, but I’m not about to run into him all sweaty and gross, Oh hell to the no!! You ladies out there know EXACTLY what I’m talking about too. I did find solace in the fact that he’s losing his hair, but I digress.

I should have known I was on a roll with bumping into people. Last week I was on MySpace looking at profiles of people from school and sure enough, The Fisch was there. First reaction? OMFG. Second reaction, “do I email him or let it go?” – Life is too short so I emailed him and to my pleasant surprise, he not only remembers me, but he was forthcoming with his sentiments about our friendship back then. Awesome.

Steve, better known to the world as The Fisch, was a year older than me in High School and although I knew “of” him, we weren’t exactly friends. He was by far a little intimidating since he was older – definitely loud, sometimes crude, but also one of the funniest people I have ever met in my life – God I remember him walking the halls singing the Archie Bunker song. I’m laughing now reminiscing about it.…..and how I met him, was completely unexpected. I met him as a result of the school play – a knock off of Robin Hood, Men in Tights – I shit you not.…..one word: classic. I am going to quote Steve here about how we met, “you walked into my life when that giant band room door swung open. The next thing I knew, I was agreeing to sing songs to impress you.”

Everybody in unison, “Awwwwwww…..”

That’s right, Steve played Friar Tuck and somehow, someway, he was coerced into singing a song….rather badly, but again, hysterical and fitting for him. What song? “In the middle of the night,” by Billy Joel. God that was funny, I wish I could get my hands on a copy of the play. My role? I was one of Robin’s merry men, which afforded us loads of time backstage to goof off and get in loads of trouble. Jesus, we were told to shut up one too many times for laughing. Yeh, it was easy to get in trouble with Fisch, he provided countless hours of entertainment.

Eventually, during the play we formed a relationship…get your minds out of the gutter, we were friends, we both had significant others. His girl, don’t quite remember her name, went to DePaul High School and she was for lack of a better word, a bitch. She hated me before even knowing me….oh well. I myself was dating the guy who I would later marry….go figure.

My memories of Steve are all good ones. But I’d be stupid not to admit that there wasn’t some kind of mutual feeling lurking in the background reeking havoc on our adolescent hormones. His humor was a shot gun to my heart and to this day, he is by far one of the funniest people I know, well with the exception of my friend Chris…..and yeh, JD cracks me up too, but don’t tell him that, it will go straight to his head. (God I’ve never met someone so in love with themselves. LOL).

So here I am, reconnected with an old friend and I have to say, I’m excited. I’ve already learned that he’s married, owns his own business and has a little girl. Awww sweet. He also keeps in touch with a few people from high school and I’ve been invited to a poker tournament….yeh, one thing, I don’t know how to play poker, so basically I’m going there to lose $100 and get loaded….like that’s any different than any other weekend in my life.

MySpace…..its power ceases to amaze me everyday.

Rolling the Dice

2006-03-27T10:50:00.000-05:00

Do you do this or am I alone? In my mind I’ll have conversations with people – stop it, I’m not schizoid, I mean I go over in my head how to prepare myself for a conversation that “might” happen…it can be something as trivial as how I’ll exchange an item of clothing at the store, talking to my boss, or how I’ll break it to a friend how they’re being a pain in my ass, but namely its when I have to speak to someone about my feelings (yuk) that these conversations will take hold of my imagination. I try to gauge what will be said and how the conversation will proceed….I imagine if it goes in this direction what I’ll say, and if it heads in the other direction, what I should articulate. I’m not very good at putting my feelings to words unless I’m prepared…or I’m writing.

In any given situation when I have to “feel,” - its there looming, blindsiding me and I can’t help but get defensive about what sentiment I’m experiencing at that moment in time if I’m not prepared – its hard for me to take that innate step back and think fast. Being defensive is an automatic mechanism of mine and I wind up ultimately sounding like a stupid little girl, thus my preparation of the delusional conversation in my imagination to avoid that embarrassment. Later on I’ll go over the conversation in my head and 50 other things will pop up that I “should” have said. Urgh.

That’s why I like to write. I can formulate my idea and see it clearly in my head. Its easier to write a letter or an email than sit face to face and tell someone how I feel – I’m a girl, I should want to talk about feelings and all that bullshit, but instead I run for the hills. Well……unless I’m giving them the heave ho, then I would rather look them in the eye, I might be confused, but I’m not a douche, give me some credit here.

Its funny because I have no problem telling someone they are a dick, yet I have issues relating to someone I like them. God its awful looking someone in the eye and exposing my soft underbelly, because in reality, who wants to put themselves out there for ultimate disappointment? At least I can take rejection better if the person can’t see the hurt on my face – is that cowardly or a calculated plan for self preservation? I guess its like beauty – in the eye of the beholder.

For me, I’ve been hurt in a way that I didn’t think I could recover from, two men in my life that I have cared deeply for have disappointed me, they let me down. Fact: I give and I love greatly, never have I heard a complaint in that department, but take me for granted and its “see ya.” Something they both learned the hard way. I don’t know what was harder, leaving them or having to come to terms with the fact that they weren’t who I thought they were. Now I’m left with chancing that emotion again, do I welcome my arms to the inevitable disappointment new relationships bring? It’s a 50/50 shot right? Unfortunately, talking about “my feelings” has me reeling and insecure. How do you know its ok to open up again? Can you trust those same instincts that got you into trouble before? Or was it ignoring vital gut signs that got me into it in the first place? It’s probably why I’ve picked apart every man I’ve met in the last 6 months. I haven’t allowed anyone in and that scares me, but the good news is, I’m learning and it’s evident in recent behavior.

Now you’re asking, am I commitment phobic? Record would lead you to believe that, but honestly, you get hurt bad enough and it’s the first gut reaction you have – push them away, keep them at arms length for a quick exit, but I’m taking steps….baby steps. I’ll admit, I can’t let go of my walls, I need to have barricades and skepticism. They warm me like a fire retardant blanket covering me from harm, but one cannot let those things suffocate and alienate. Nope, that would have me living in an apartment with 3 cats in no time.

And as I’ve learned recently, counseling with friends is never the answer because everyone’s opinion is different…..god that’s so true. Your friends are your friends and they only want what is best for you, but in reality, they are not the ones to ultimately live with the choices you make. They aren’t the ones who shed the tear and endure the pain. Don’t you just wish there was a dating guide book? I’ve heard of these supposed unspoken “rules” that people apparently follow, like guys don’t call for 3 days – what is that? Or how about waiting for him to make the first move – come on now, life is too short for bullshit….but I digress.

So I have my conversations in my mind. Sometimes I play devil’s advocate, sometimes its pure fantasy and daydreaming, but I don’t get lost in it. I can’t. The reality of the fact is, I can prepare all I want, but until I’m in that situation, I don’t know how life will take its course. I don’t know if he, she or it will reciprocate anything I say or feel. It’s all a gamble and opening up is the only way to figure out if I’ll hit the mother load or crap out. I guess at some point we all just have to suck it up and roll the dice.

I'm lame

2006-03-24T14:20:00.000-05:00

My apologies. I have been absent but not because I don’t love you, its just that I don’t have anything to really report. For those who are avid readers and will send me emails, I’ve given them full disclosure on my love life and what is up with that, but otherwise, I don’t want to write about anyone until I know they are either:

A) someone I’m serious about and worth writing about because as soon as I write about them, they wind up being a douche bag.
B) Someone who I have already dated and it didn’t work out.

For now, those are the simple rules. I wish I could write more, but I’m tired of my own drivel.

On another note, I have no idea if the family is moving to Atlanta. Right now my sister’s position in the company is sealed and ready. Her husbands’ position though still needs to be approved by the board. Once that is done and the contracts have been sent, then its all good and they’ll be well on their way down, but until then, we are at a stalemate.

I myself am now considering leaving. I love my friends, but other than that….there really isn’t much to stay here for. I’m not dating anyone, my job is “ok,” it leaves me very unfulfilled so I might as well make the transition. I can always come back I guess. We’ll see….no use worrying about it for now, but recently I’ve been feeling like I need a change and this just might be it. We’ll see. We’ll see.

Other than that, I’m very boring right now. Extremely. Oh sure I’m still partying it up having a grand ol’ time, but I don’t want to write about men so, well this is all I got. I’m sure I’ll have stories for ya in a few days.

I'm Bored

2006-03-22T12:18:00.002-05:00

It is common knowledge that I have a lot of time on my hands at work. Some would even venture to call me a lucky bitch - my take on it? I'm not complaining - hell if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But let me clear this up, being bored is no fault of my own either. I do my work, I just do it rather efficiently....yep I'm da bomb, but that's neither here nor there.

Truth be told though, sometimes I'd rather stick a fork in my eye for entertainment value than sit here and do nothing for another 8 hours. I literally have spent ENTIRE days sitting here, surfing the net, paying bills and emailing. MySpace does poise some distractions (read: corny surveys), but I'm getting a little spent on the surveys and crap and I'm tired of putting my thoughts and feelings out there on the blog. I'm at a point where I actually help my good friend Chris book his leisure travel. Today, I'm helping him shop for digital cameras (if anyone has a recommendation I'm listening).

So I call on you, my friends, to help a sista out. Do you have a blog or website that is a MUST read? Do you have any links to something that will keep a gal like me entertained? I am an avid reader of a few websites as is, but they aren't updated on a constant basis. For this information I will be truly indebted to you.

In return, I give you a few good reads: Jason Mulgrew and Tucker Max. Pure gems if you have a sick sense of humor like myself.

A quick background:

Jason Mulgrew he actually started a blog about two years ago and from that he's gained a little following and is now writing pilot shows for two networks. His earlier stuff is much funnier, probably because back then he had the time and didn't give a rats ass what he put up. Basically he's overweight, drinks a ton, smokes the silly stuff, eats and beats off a lot. Sick dude - good read. Find him at http://www.jasonmulgrew.com/main/

Tucker Max I wouldn't be surprised if you've already heard of him. He's been around awhile and he honestly doesn't give a shit. He's actually quite intelligent thus his ability to not have a normal 9-5 job in years. I can't explain him better than his website but the stories he's posted - OMG, truly hysterical. I recommend the Famous Sushi Pants Story and Tucker Tries Butt Sex; Hilarity Ensues. He's just published another book "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell," which is actually available on Amazon.com and at Barnes and Nobles. Not bad right? Check it out. http://www.tuckermax.com/

For something a little more serious, but still entertaining, I recommend Stephanie Klein. She has had a blog for a few years and best way to describe her - she's very "Sex in the City" - she's landed herself 2 book deals and now does it full time. Her insight and insecurity is refreshing to say the least because its honest, straighfoward, and compelling. Actually if you know my full name, google it, I was quoted in the NY Times regarding this blog. http://stephanieklein.blogs.com/

Anyway, hook it up and send me some links for a good read, games, funnies anything you truly find worth looking at. Or email me, yeh, that works too. You'll be helping me out in epic proportions.

This Isn't 7th Grade Anymore

2006-03-21T14:37:00.000-05:00

I write best about love, relationships, and heartache, is it because I think I’m pretty in touch with myself and what goes on around me or is it because I’m a people watcher noticing other people’s indiscretions? Or do I analyze because of insecurity? Yeh sure, I might get insecure, but don’t we all? Don’t we all question our actions at some point in time?

As we get older we are more on the fence, our decisions have greater consequences, its not like when we were young and in 7th grade. Sure at that point we would just DIE if our crush knew we liked them, but at the same time, it was ok that your crush knew. It was ok to write “I heart Gary” on your notebook because we had that shred of hope that they would reciprocate. When did things become so hard? When did we make this transition that in our heads we feel obligated to play “the game?”

Remember those days of writing notes and passing them to one another? Now we email – we hide behind emails and comments. What about having a friend get the 411 on whether or not someone liked you. God forbid that happened now! You’d be viewed as an insecure outcast.

Or how about phone calls? Remember those? Remember giving a boy/girl your number and getting so excited to be on the phone with them? Getting to know them – their likes and dislikes, what they did for fun, what sports they played, who they knew? Just getting to know through talking.

The innocence of it all, those were the days. The days that you knew when a boy teased you and pulled your pigtails, it was because he liked you. He was shy about how he felt and his face would get red. Now its an achievement just to get him to acknowledge an emotion other than horniness.

So sad that the purity of courtship we fundamentally hold close to us when we are young gets lost in the adult insecurities of games, emails, phone tag and disappearing acts. I know that as adults our priorities shift, our focus is elsewhere, its tough enough to figure out where you are in the world let alone trying to figure out how another person feels about us. Its such a sticky situation to feel trapped in the “don’t know” phase….because all you are left to do is over analyze. I hate that part.

It all shifted at some point. It all changed and became real, too real.

Reaping the Benefits

2006-03-20T12:14:00.000-05:00

At some point in our lives we have all been through the relationship ringer. For some of us it happened early in life, others late in life, or perhaps its happening at this very moment. And then there are some of us who never really learn to get away from that turbulent lifestyle. For me it was the last long relationship that really took its toll on me. It was the catalyst that kept me from dating for well over 8 months…hey it happens…but I wouldn’t be where I am today had I not learned from it.

See, the way I see it is this, its a matter of whether or not we lick our wounds and let them heal properly or if we advertise our scars wearing them like some metal of relationship honor saying “Fuck You” to all those who dare to enter our inner realm of the relationship kingdom. Will we react with bitterness or move on knowing its all part of the grand scheme? We all decide whether or not we will continue on and put ourselves out there to love again. We select if we are going to keep allowing dysfunctional people to come into our lives and reek havoc on our souls. Only few of us are smart enough to learn from each experience and move on. Let’s be honest, perhaps we ourselves were the reason why the relationship failed, yet we blame the other party. You have to take a step back and realize that we are human and it takes two to make a relationship work. Grow and learn, it’s the only healthy thing to do otherwise the vicious cycle re-invents itself.

This last time around, I know it wasn’t me that was fucked up, but I was stupid to stay as long as I did….. shame on me. I was foolish and at first I got down on myself for the decisions I made, however it became liberating to know that I was the one who chose to change. I was the one who wanted out and I was the one to make it happen. From there I was able to move on and be me - do me. I was the reason to move on and now that I look back, who I was a year ago is a shadow of the strong individual I am standing here today.

I’m not the smartest person in the world, I’ve never claimed to be, but I give myself props because I think I am definitely ahead of the game now because I know my self worth. I know who I am and I make no bones about me. Its funny, I had this conversation with my friend K last week and I told him, “Hey I’m not conforming to someone else. If they like the beat of my drum, they are more than welcome to march along. I can only hope that their beat is in sync with mine.”

My point is we pick how we will move on, how we’ll deal and cope with life as a result of a break up. We are responsible for ourselves and the path we travel. I myself took time away and now that I’m dating again, I find it much easier to read my gut and make better decisions. I am my number one priority. Not many have made it past a third date with me not because I’m afraid or I have an agenda against men, its simple - I’m not wasting their time or mine, but I will say this, whoever that lucky son of bitch is, he’ll be the one to truly reap the benefits of my new cohesive attitude. There is tranquility within me that wasn’t there before. I am no longer in a rush for anything, its day by day, one moment of life at a time - now I actually stop to smell the roses. I’m not looking for perfection because I am not even close – I’m looking for more like a best friend to make out with at the end of the day (Yum). Someone to share moments with whether it be a stroll in the park, a movie on Friday night or a sporting event, as long as I have someone to snuggle up to at the end of the night, I’m a satisfied camper. Finding the right person is hard, but when we mature and discover our mistakes, it’s the next person in line who is truly rewarded.

Thanks, But No Thanks.

2006-03-14T09:12:00.000-05:00

Despite the weekend I had, I’m still not in the best of moods. I can’t help it, its like no matter what I go through, no matter what happens or the steps I take to better myself and my life – nothing ever works out. Nothing and I’m tired. So tired.

I put up this strong façade for everyone – the full tough girl act like nothing bothers me when in reality, a lot bothers me. I never complain to anyone and if I do, I don’t complain to the same people. Only this site. This site is the only outlet I have.

Tired. Very very tired of all the same shit happening like some crazy life carousel. Round and round, up and down go the elements of my life. One horse represents family, another horse represents my career, another one my love life and another one money. Round and round up and down but nothing ever tapers off to a constant medium. Never.

When I think I finally have an answer to any one of those elements, I get thrown from the horse and I have to start all over again. I am a survivor, and I know that eventually something has to give, but honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. How much longer can I keep pushing on? Atlanta is starting to look better and better.

Yes, its looking like they are all moving to Atlanta. We’ll have the final decision next week and then the ball will start rolling. My parents have decided no matter what happens with Atlanta, they are moving. They are done living in this area and want out. And last night, we had to put our dog of 15+ years down so my mother is ready for a change. I know a dog shouldn’t be a catalyst for change, but we got Cassie when she was a pup, she grew up in the house and now she’s gone, it’s the end of an era.

Changes are amongst us.

Now I know I’ve complained about money before, but now its gotten worse. My father’s commute to work is costing him about $30 a day. He's already started to look for something closer to home, but at 61 years old, its not like everyone is knocking themselves out to hire him. To help out, I’ve been paying their bills. I know as a good daughter its my duty to help out, I understand, it just sucks because it puts my life on hold. I love my parents and I really wish I could make it all better for them. I really do. I wish I made more money so I could help them even more, but I don’t.

And I’m tired of meeting men who are either in love with me and I’m not really into them or meeting a guy, getting excited that he might actually have something to offer, and then wham. No mas.

I talk to friends about my problems and issues, but some of them are so self absorbed that after a few minutes, they are telling me all about their problems. I don’t mind a change of subject, but I don’t want to talk about YOU anymore. I have my own problems. I feel like I sit there and listen to everyone else SO much that when I talk about myself, I’m being selfish so I wind up shutting up.

Sigh.

Atlanta really is starting to look better and better. I’ve rebuilt my life twice in three years, its starting to look like I’ll be doing it yet again. Urgh. Thanks, but no thanks.

GO Hard Or Go Home - A Diatribe from Captain Insano

2006-03-13T12:24:00.000-05:00

Oh good lord my liver hates me…..I wouldn't be surprised if it went on strike. Seriously, at some point Saturday night it told me to fuck off.

Crazy weekend? Um…uh – YES! I don't even know where to begin…..but I'll suck it up and try.

Originally I planned on staying in Thursday, but since I had Friday off, why not just go out for a little while and then head home around 11? Not a bad plan right?

Well.

At 11:00 p.m. I was not in bed like anticipated, I was on stage singing in a karaoke contest. I should mention here that I had no intention of being in said contest and nor did I think I was up to par to even be part of it…..but like most things in my life, I said, "What the hell," and gave it a whirl. By 2:00 a.m. I had not only been on stage for a minimum of four songs that night, I had also won the contest. That's right beotches, I won. GO ME!!!

Friday all day, I was stuck on stupid as a result of lack of sleep and a slight hangover. (Who woulda thunk it?) I was looking forward to a mellow evening opting to not contact anyone to do anything. Did that happen? Wait, better question, does anything in the life of Mer ever go according to plan? Um – no.

One thing you should know about me, I'm a trooper. I won't complain much and not much keeps me down. So when the bat signal went out to meet up with Justin, I got on the horn, plans were made and the night began. I called up Nicole because we were just talking about how we haven't hung out, we grabbed some eats, had a few cocktails and headed out to meet up with him. And to be honest, I had a great time chilling with Mr. Justin and his crew…..it was for a lack of better description – insane. Oh boy yes, it was out of control…..and fun. I could get in a lot of trouble with that kid.
Yo Justin – think you could handle a round two!?!?! LOL.

Of course I didn't get home early like I was supposed to. Why? Because I'm an asshole and that's what assholes do. BUT I will say this, even though I got home at about 4:30 a.m., I was still on time and ready to bring my sister and brother-in-law to the airport….JFK. I might be an asshole, but I'm a reliable one at that.

Now you're thinking, "Oh Mer, you had to have stayed in Saturday night." Oh noooooo!!!! Nope. What's my motto people? Go hard or go home. I had plans for a bar crawl, and a bar craw I did. By 11:30 I had hit 4 bars with the intention of going to a strip club (Satin Dolls) as our final destination. I've never been to one so I was psyched and so were my friends ….but of course when we got there, the cover was way over what anyone was willing to pay…..so that idea was 86'd right fast. Which I guess was ok, I didn't have a male specimen to abuse after the club so it would have been a nil point. I'll wait until I have someone to go with who wouldn't mind being my toy for an evening. Opps, did I just say that?

My friends and I just wound up going to a club that played the most god awful guido music. And don't get me started on the guidos themselves – I almost punched one in the baby maker, but that's another story. By 2:00 a.m. I had had enough and went home. I was finally done.

But the weekend did not end there, I had a Christening and then dinner at a friends house Sunday. To be perfectly dead ass, I don't remember much of yesterday because I was consciously comatose for the better part of it. But I want to thank Troy and Carrie for their hospitality. That was the most awake I was all day.

Hey it happens and I'm not complaining.

To any and all people I saw this weekend. Thank you. My liver is flipping you the bird, punching me in the stomach and screaming obscenities like a mo fo, but hey, I had a good time and that's all that matters. Sweet.

Dreams

2006-03-08T07:23:00.000-05:00

Dreams – they can tell you so much about what is going on your life should you take the time to interpret them. I know what is going on during waking hours. I know I feel the stress, I can feel the anxiety tingle my spine and synapse the very tendrils of my skin. But when I’m asleep, there are no boundaries to what I think about, what I will push through from the pitch darkness of my subconscious mind. You can’t push out the anger and frustration like you do when your awareness is keen, instead it seeps through and comes out as a tragic vision when your eyes are closed.

Up to this point I really thought that I loved Ted more than anyone I had ever loved….but we all know this isn’t true. Instead I looked at him as only I wanted to see him, not as the confused malfunctioning boy he truly was. I know that now and it took strength, a close call with reconciliation and time, yes lots of time, to finally see it all very clearly.

You would think that I would dream about him once in a while. You would think that conceivably I would harvest anger, resentment, regret or any variation of loss after all is said and done, but I don’t. Not at all. I can bravely say that I do not think about him in any loving shape, matter or form. What an odd thing to think about right?

But I’ll tell you how I came upon this epiphany. Most likely as a result of the stress I’ve been enduring lately, I have been dreaming the most odd ball dreams lately. Now I’ve always had a vivid imagination, I’ve always had astounding dreams, this is not new, but the subject material is.

In the past 7 or so days, I’ve had at the very least, three dreams about my ex-husband. Someone who during waking hours I don’t give a second, let alone a first thought about. Its odd and its bizarre.

Last night/this morning I had a dream I was on a cruise ship (I seem to have many dreams about cruise ships), and in my dream it was assumed that I was with family on this cruise. In fact I do remember having dinner with my parents in one aspect of the dream. In my dream, on more than one occasion, I walk up a set of stairs into the dining room where my ex-husband is standing at a table for two with champagne, light pink/whitish roses and he’s instructing a violinist to play a song when I come. But each time (3 in total), I come early and ruin the surprise. And my ex is smiling. I don’t speak to him, I don’t sit down for dinner, I barely acknowledge him and then I’m either at another area of the ship, or I’m with my parents.

In an effort to understand any of this, I’ve located a Dream Moods Dictionary and I will take an ill fated attempt at interpreting this. Wish me luck.

Cruise
To dream that you are on a cruise, represents some emotional journey that you are going through. The dream may also be a pun on "cruising" through situations in your life with ease and little effort

Family
To see your own family in high spirits in your dream, symbolizes harmony and happiness. To see them gloomy, foretells of disappointment and sadness.

Stairs
To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface.

Ex
To dream about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or ex-husband/wife or that you and your ex got back together again, suggests that something or someone in your current life that is bringing out similar feelings you felt during the relationship with your ex. The dream may be a way of alerting you to the same or similar behavior in a current relationship. What you learn from that previous relationship may need to be applied to the present one so that you do no repeat the same mistake. Alternatively, past lovers often highlight the positive experiences you had with that person. In particular, to see your ex-husband/wife in your dream, indicates that you are finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable. Alternatively, seeing your ex in your dream also signifies aspects of yourself that you have x'd out or neglected.

Champagne
To see the opening of a bottle of champagne, is symbolic of a sexual act. It is also representative of a celebration or a personal achievement that you are proud of.

Roses
To see roses blooming in your dream, signifies faithfulness in love and the arrival of a much joyous occasion. Roses also symbolize love, passion, femininity, and romance, particularly if they are red roses. If you see a white rose, then it symbolizes virginity, pureness, and secrecy. It you see a yellow rose, then it refers to infidelity or jealousy.

Violin
To see or hear a violin in your dream, symbolizes peace and harmony in the family.

Parents
To see your parents in your dream, symbolizes both power, shelter, and love. You may be expressing your concerns and worries about your own parents. Alternatively, it represents the merging of the female and male aspects of your character.

I don’t know exactly what to think. I have all this stress, yet somehow my dreams are telling me that I have a greater understanding of myself? I’m making peace with myself? I’m seeing something in my current relationship that reminds me of my old one? Wait – I’m not in a relationship? What is that? Am I projecting what it would be like to be in a relationship?

Yeh…..I don’t know what to think anymore. Here I am in a state of panic over just about everything in my life....but in some capacity, I know I am doing the right thing. My decisions are not rash decisions, I've put a lot of thought and I'm reading my gut as much as I can. That's all I can do for now. I have to learn to relax and roll with the punches. I'm learning....slowly but surely.

Rough Waters Ahead

2006-03-06T09:13:00.000-05:00

This week is going to be a rough one I can feel it in my bones already. Its that looming unforgiving doom that nestles itself in your head as you fall off to sleep – you just know something is off. Something is amiss.

Dead tired, I lay there last night trying desperately to drift off to sleep, my mind was racing. It wouldn’t stop, I couldn’t get off topic no matter how hard I tried…the same things kept popping into my head. Round and round they went in their malicious cycle.

Part of my issue is that I am way too hard on myself about life. Nothing in particular, simply life itself. I don’t forgive for the time wasted and the laziness I feel. I want to push myself to be more, to do more, but the setbacks I keep enduring are killing me and then I obsess over them. I obsess over having an extra helping at dinner, I obsess over not making it to the gym, I obsess over conversations with friends - replaying everything in my mind like some bad "B" movie.

And now, just when I felt like things were starting to take shape, when I thought that my life was slowly getting back on track, more monkey wrenches. More drama, more things to deal with. I know I am a tough cookie – it takes a lot to get me down, but I want to cry. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m tired.

It looks like my sister will be accepting the job in Atlanta – awesome for her. I want this for her and my brother-in-law. But I will miss them. I will miss them so much it hurts. I’ll also miss out on seeing my nephew grow up, I won’t be there for so much – will he remember who I am each time I visit, or will I be the scary lady that he runs from?

As discussed, my parents will be going as well. This is a great move for them which will help them financially and mentally. I want this for them as well because it is too good of an opportunity for them to pass up. It would mean so much more for them….but that is for them. Not me.

Yes I want to stay in Jersey. I know it might sound absurd, but I do. I am keeping an open mind about Atlanta, but at the same time, I’m not ready to leave Jersey. It doesn’t feel right for me to go, I feel like I have unfinished business. I feel like I haven’t given it all a good enough shot. I haven’t finished school, I haven’t even followed any of my own dreams. I’m 29, its do or die time.

But if I stay behind, then I have to get a second job – not a big deal, but that means I would have to have a second job for a very long time, it wouldn’t be for a few months like I’ve done before, it would be a way of life until money issues became easier. Again, not a big deal, but I know I will burn out. I’ve been holding off for a long time, but its shit or get off the pot time.

Plus money is tight right now. Super tight. My father isn’t doing well financially so I’ve had to help them with money – he works, but his new job’s commute is killing him. Its costing $30/day to commute so I’ve taken on a larger role with paying bills and its killing me. I don’t know how I will ever save money for a deposit on an apartment. I’ve been working on moving out for some time now and it doesn’t seem like stuff is coming together like it should. Its very unsatisfying.

And I’m lonely. I know that things take time – and I have NOOOO issues waiting for the right guy to come along, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I would still like to have someone to hug. That would be nice.

Maneater Misconception

2006-02-28T14:36:00.000-05:00

This is the post I did for my MySpace account (blog). I'm sending a message to someone for being an idiot. Enjoy.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A big misconception about me is that I am some piranah maneating woman who uses men like Kleenex.

So not the case.

Yes, I've been on a few dates since my inception into the dating world back in November- definitely more than 5, but less than 10. Isn't that how dating is supposed to go? Aren't you supposed to put yourself out there? Its like the lotto - "You've got to be in it to win it." Am I wrong?

But, if you are a friend of mine then you know that I had not one, but TWO bad dates as a result of MySpace - not that I expect each and every one to be wonderful, but I do expect people to act human...but I digress.

Where was I? Oh right - misconceptions about me. I might seem a little hard and cynical, some would even say "committment phobic," but I'm actually just all about not wasting anyone's time. If I don't think we have a true connection, then I'm certainly not going to waste your time or mine. Personally, I think that's the best way to handle things - be honest. Gee, there's a new concept....

Listen, I've been hurt, I've been run through the mill and its hard to open up again. Especially as we get older because we're more cautious about our decisions and how they'll affect our lives. For those of us with structured lives, its hard to deviate from the norm. But unlike before, I am now willing to put my best foot forward. Yes I can now make that statement, I am willing to allow someone in....problem is, how hard will it be to find someone worthwhile?

I'm not being conceited, I'm just proud of who I am. I think I deserve someone who is going to give back what I put in. Its hard to trust after the pain, its hard to let anyone in and be more than a friend. In the past year I can honestly say I've surrounded myself with good friends. People who will be here 15 years from now...how do I know? I don't, but I can't imagine my girls not being in my life. My point is, I have enough friends, its time to allow a man in.

Its kind of funny too because my best guy friend actually asked me what I wanted...you would think he would know this, but he's one of the people who has this preconceived notion that I'm looking for perfection. That's bullshit. I know I am FAR from perfection, I have my issues just like everybody else, so I would be a complete and utter twit to believe that perfection exists beyond the realm of my own eyes and my own heart.

For everyone, perfection is in the eye of the beholder. For me perfect would not be perfect for you. Of course you're wondering what that perfection might be like - well hell, if I knew that, I'd have an itemized list posted on my profile!

I'm rather open, its a helluva lot easier than you think. I don't need to stick to any "one" type - yet another misconception about me. I actually have a friend who will point guys out and say, "Oh he's sooo your type." Really? Well then, since you know my type, gather a few good men around me, and lets do a mass interview shall we?

I can tell you though, that I would "prefer" someone who likes to do stuff, who isn't all about being a couch potato. Someone who enjoys sports and sporting events - it would help if he likes the same teams, but I'm not that picky....I welcome the debates that would ensue. And he can't have any hang ups about drugs and alcohol...and I'm not just talking about AA here, it goes both ways. Don't get down on me because I can put down a few. He would also like to read, but that's not a must, and he'd be funny - ok that one, I can't bend on - you've GOT to be funny. And even if he isn't cultured in art, music, photography and wine - he'd be willing to at the very least welcome it into his life because it is an important part of mine.

Other than that, its all up in the air. I don't know who is right for me - if I did, I don't think my last two relationships would have ended the way they did. I'm open to all things new. There, that's another misconception, I'm not stuck in my ways, I'm extremely outgoing and I'll try just about anything. If I dont' think there will be a connection, I won't waste our time. Perhaps that's why people view me as a maneater? Because I'm honest enough to not let it get too far? Or is that misconstrued as fear of committment? Not sure, I guess now that I know I am ready to allow love into my life, I'll have to figure this out as time marches on. I am in no rush, but I do want it, I do want love and a relationship - another misconception about me

Wait and See

2006-02-27T09:54:00.000-05:00

Men confuse me (oh yeh, like I'm one to talk), but really...they do.

This guy has been interested in me for years...I mean years. I've known him about 5 years now and he is the brother of one of my good friends. Recently it has come to light that he's always had a "thing" for me - going as far as to tell my friend that he would like her "to hook him up." She has refused to be the catalyst to set us up - again we are good friends and she is not against the union, she just wants to stay out of it. Makes perfect sense and I prefer it that way. She thinks we would make a great couple, but it should happen naturally - Good.

However, she did put the word out there for me that he is an interested party and since my last break up he's made it known to her again. Apparently when I broke up with Ted, he found out from another source that the break up transpired and wondered out loud why she was negligent in informing him. Again, she wants to stay out of it - but recently she did make it known to me and put the birdie in my ear.

Following? Good.

So when I completely and totally came upon his profile on MySpace the other day, I was pleasantly surprised. I should start with telling you all that I have changed my status on MySpace. I am not on there anymore to meet men. Hell to the NO on that topic. I changed my status to "Friends and Networking" for about the last 4 weeks and so far, so good. I go on there to chit chat with friends and leave obscene yet funny comments. Yadda yadda yadda, you get the picture. But sometimes I am so bored out of my mind here at work that I'll browse pictures and whatnot because it fucking funny as hell to see what people post about themselves. I love looking at the poser pictures and sending them to my sister and Trixie to goof on. We've had many many good laughs at the expense of others...hey, they put that shit out there for us all to view it, I'm going to goof on it. Sorry, but its the truth.

I would be lying though if I said that every once in awhile I'll come upon a cute or (shocker) hot guy and I'll check him out. That's how I found him on MySpace. At first I didn't recognize him, but after reading the profile and finally looking at more pictures, it hit me and I got excited. Excited because it was someone I knew and excited because it was her brother and we have a few things in common.

Anyway, I wrote him an email about the coincidence and called my friend that night. We had a great laugh over it and that was that. He responded to my email a day later, to which I responded again. Um yeh - that was last week and I haven't heard back which is odd because the way my friend talks, you would think he was in love with me. See on MySpace you can tell when someone last logged in, but you can also tell when they have read your email.

Stop - can we say stalker?

He's logged in, but he hasn't read nor responded to my email. What is that? I'm not sweating it (stop laughing), but I thought I would have heard back from him. Perhaps he's laying low to get feedback from his sister? I told her not to get involved, but if it did come up she could give him the green light and let him know I was interested....that's it. But still, does anyone see my point? He's interested, but he hasn't responded. Confusing right?

This has all happened in the last few days so I can't offer up more information other than this. Oh except....when my friend told me about her brother and his deal with relationships - it was like I was talking about myself. We both have the same issues - we want to be in a relationship, but we are not exactly ready to put ourselves out there to be hurt again. Neither one of us has dated anyone excessively in awhile and both of us are capable, yet cynical when it comes to conditions of the heart. That is what has me most intrigued....someone who can understand that yes, I'm willing to be in a committed relationship, but its got to start slow and its got to be right. Weird right?

For now, I'll sit back and keep doing what I'm doing. I told my friend that if her brother was most certainly interested, he'll get in touch with me and there is no need for her involvement. I'm not about to chase anyone - perhaps I might have done that back in the day - but this is new and improved Mer. Plus, I'm not in a rush for anything. For now, its wait and see.

Divorce Celebrations....

2006-02-24T08:21:00.000-05:00

Let's get right into it shall we? Yesterday at 3:30 Trixie picked me up straight from work and we headed out to celebrate her divorce. I've got to tell ya, drinking that early - her in her happy mood, me a little contemplative - we had some interesting conversations and intriguing revelations before we met up with our friends at 8:00, but then again we were also shitfaced by 6:00 p.m., but I digress.....

We headed to a nice restaurant for a few glasses of wine and dinner. We were celebrating therefore we chose a good place. Unfortunately we sat at the bar with the absolute worst bartender. Let me start with his physical appearance - at first we were like, "ok, nice...." he had dirty blond hair, he was muscular and his face wasn't all that lacking, however, when he opened his mouth he was a complete and total moron who thought he was smart. The worst kind. He trying to gossip (loudly) with the waitresses, who apparently felt the same way we did about him because they repeatedly either disagreed with him or didn't talk to him. Then he goes on to brag to other bartenders, rather loudly and rudely his betting picks from the night before. Did he really think Trixie and I wanted to hear his stupid banter? I really wanted to complain - and I'm not one of those patrons who complain about anything. I thought better of it, and finally I turned to Trixie and I said, "I hate the bartender. He is an obnoxious twit. I know that working behind this bar is the social climax of his life, but does he really think we can't hear him? He has no couth."

Despite his ridiculously detestable stupidity, we had a nice dinner and enjoyed ourselves immensly. We talked about her marriage and where she is now in life. We also spoke about another relationship she had shortly after her separation and she is finally seeing things clearly. I think you'll remember me complaining about how dumb about men and conceited she can be, but she's coming around - slowly. I'm very proud of her and happy for her at the same time. Her marriage was awful and put her through a lot so this is a very good moment in her life. Go Trixie.

It was an interesting night to say the least. We both reminisced abour our husbands and then the relationships that followed. In the last year we have both witnessed a lot and survived it all and we've realized a lot about ourselves. This past year was a big year of self discovery and growing up. Out of our very very girlie conversations last night we came to a few realizations about relationships and love. Trixie is still a little behind in knowing what she wants and she admitted as much last night. She is happy with the guy she is currently dating and she also recognizes that being as promiscuous as she was in recent months was not healthy for her mind, body and soul. She understands...finally. She also gave me a compliment that I wasn't expecting, it was kind of off hand but it made me feel better....she told me "Mer at least you know what you want and you aren't leading anyone around." It stopped me and I thought to myself - Do I really know what I want or is that I just know what I don't want? Humph....something to think about right? But it felt good to hear it from someone else nonetheless...it was almost empowering in a way.

After dinner and walking around the mall so we could sober up a bit, we finally headed to the 101 to meet everyone else for a normal Thursday night. As we were sitting there, a young guy came over, took my hand in his and introduced himself. He was very nice and kept giving us compliments and offered to buy us drinks. We declined nicely and continued our evening. About a half hour later he was ready to leave and he came to say good bye....again stopping to tell me how beautiful I was and how it was such a pleasure to meet us. Ok so he was younger and a bit dorky, but I wasn't about to burst his bubble if I didnt have to - until the following conversation ensued:

Him: "Well you are both the most beautiful women in this bar tonight....even though I am not the best looking guy ever...."
Me: "Oh you need to be more confident," as I rub his shoulder.
Him: "I was being sarcastic."

Ouch...

I felt awful, but Trixie started giggling and I apologized. Uh yeh, don't think he'll be offering me any drinks any time soon. Yikes.

I called it a night at 9:30. I was 100% sober (thus no drunk dials last night....sorry guys) and went home to my beddy bye. I wish I could tell you what happened to the rest of the clan and Trixie after I left, but its only 9:34 am right now.....all I can say is that Trixie called out of work today. Good for her, I hope she had a kick ass night.

Congradulations Trixie on your divorce, I'm so proud of you for going through with it. We are now an elite club.

Idol, Friendship Re-Ignition, Divorce and Engagements Oh My!

2006-02-23T09:48:00.000-05:00

Is it me or is Ryan Seacrest like the smallest man every born? Not sure if you are an Idol watcher (I don't see how you CAN'T be), but every single person who stands next to him looks ginormous in comparison. What is that? He's so tiny.....God I would hate to stand next to him....I'd feel like a cow.

I wanted to comment about last nights contestants, but if you're not an Idol fan like myself - it would be wasted....but if you did catch it - OMG, it was comedic genius....I can't help it, I find it horrifically fascinating to watch - I transform myself from bring sweet loving Mer to a ruthless Mini-Simon. So sad yet so true.

But you didn't come here to read a commentary on Idol....nope you came to read about my hardships and crazy ass life.

An old friend (ok, so he's not an 'old' friend so much as someone who I lost touch with) emailed me today and I was soooo happy to hear from him. He was a friend of mine whom I confided a lot of stuff to and in return he provided endless hours of comedic relief. He's a busy guy and he lives far from me, but I'm really stoked that I heard from him because his friendship always made me happy.

The weird/funny part of it all is that just yesterday I was thinking about him. I was thinking about calling him, but thought better of it. I can't remember exactly what it was that set it off, but I was in my house doing errands and he popped into my head....and then I started thinking about how long its been since we last spoke....and I wondered if he knew how much I missed talking to him. And of course being a silly girl I started to doubt myself thinking that I wasn't a good enough friend...did I call him enough? Did I email him? Did I say something wrong?

As far as I knew, I thought I was a decent friend, but then it dawned on me. Trixie and I were visiting him awhile back and he took us out and showed us a great time. Was there liquor involved? Does a bear shit in the woods? I got retarded in .3 seconds....no joke. Later that night I thought to myself, "you know...if he was single, I would totally make out with him right now"....and like the dumbass I am, I told him about that notion the next day. I was being honest and I didn't think it was a big deal....I was drunk after all when the thought occured to me, but I think I may have crossed the line because it wasn't something we would normally converse about. Talk about awkward - but that's me, I have no bones about me and I'm very open.

I'm sure that's all speculation and bad timing....who knows. Its been so long since we last spoke, and when opportunity knocks, you have to take the bull by the horns. Since he emailed me, I thought I would lay it all out there for him and apologize....I know that its all water under the bridge, but life is too short and who knows when I'll have another opportunity to say it. And if you are wonderding, I never would have actually done it....god no....again it was one of those wicked thoughts that occurs to you out of nowhere when your drinking...kind of the same thought process that has most men taking off their shirts in -2 degree weather at a football game.

Anyway, I'm satisfied with the fact that I put it out there, even if it wasn't a thought on his mind or blip in our history as friends. I'm hoping that we start corresponding again because right now, I'm feeling very lonely and I could use his humor.

Yes I'm lonely. I'm torn between wanting to be loved and the need to be alone. With each day I become more introverted and cynical. Its upsetting because I'm afraid of what the ramifications of this mood will be....I'm afraid of slipping deeper into it and building walls that will be hard to break down.

All I can say is at least I recognize it. I get advice from my friends, my family and the readers of this site. Everyone wants to see me happy and so do I. For now all I do is go with my gut, that's why none of these guys are making it very far - why waste their time and mine if I dont' see us living happily ever after? I know a relationship is work and I'm willing to put in the effort, but come on now....there has to be a special spark something they have all lacked.

Sigh.....

But I'm still happy to have heard from him....his presence has been greatly missed.

Tonight I'll be going out straight from work to celebrate Trixie's divorce which was finalized today and to also celebrate Nicole's engagement which occured yesterday. Nice and Nice. One ends, another begins - funny how life recycles right? I guess I should use this as some metaphor or some shit to help me see the light, but today....well today I want to be cynical and depressed...of course this will all change after I have a cocktail...or seven. Wooohoooo.

Sick is the New Black

2006-02-22T08:20:00.000-05:00

Cough....hack.....spit.

Cough....hack....spit.

Breathe......Repeat....

After work yesterday I was feeling much better. I have no idea what transpired during the day to lift not only my spirits, but my cold ailments as well. So when Nicole invited the girls over for our usual Tuesday night American Idol meeting, hesitant at first, I decided to give it a go and meet them for an hour.

Bad move.

Although I left at 9, it seems that I missed my window for sleep and now I'm sitting here hacking like it was day one of the cold again. Not cool. It was awesome to be out of the house though amongst my friends laughing again being surrounded by the living....but now I feel like shit. Today straight from work I am going home and putting on my pink pajamas with the cute little dogs on them and crawling into bed because tomorrow is Trixie's divorce and we are headed out straight from work to grab a drink. Don't worry, I only plan on going out for a little while.

Stop laughing. I'm serious.....no really I don't have the funds nor the will power to be out tomorrow and plus, we are starting right after work so it will be an early evening. Thank God.

On the flip side of things....my cold has me feeling totally funky today. Completely out of sorts. At first while driving to work I was in the mood to listen to sad songs like John Legend "Ordinary People" and The Platters, "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" preparing myself for a day of depression and self loathing - you know, the kind of mood one is in on a rainy day....even though its not raining, but I digress. Anyway, I don't know what happened between parking my car and the elevator ride up here that has me wanting to foolishly make out with someone. How random is that?!?!? Like I want to lay a big fat kiss on some random dude......damn. I have no one in the works, no man whores in sight....no "friends with benefits" to corral.

One word - Suck.

As the fever courses through my body, my head full of snot, my chest wheezing like a mo fo, I find this incredibly amusing....not sure why - one would think that making out would be the last thing on your mind when sick, but I can't help it. It happens......does anyone else find this funny? No? Ok fine......be that way.

Blah

2006-02-21T10:42:00.000-05:00

Sorry I have been so absent. I had Friday off for a ski trip with B - which was awesome. At first we were a little wary because the weather called for rain in the morning, yet that did not deter B, Al and myself from the 2 1/2 hour ride there. By time we got there, got dressed and were ready for the slopes, the rain had subsided and we were ready to go. Nice.

It was a great day for so many reasons too. First off, B and Al are better skiers than myself, but they took care of me the whole day. Don't get me wrong, I can ski, just not as fast as them - its been about 3 years since I last skied so I did rather well. I did every black diamond and double black diamond they did and they seriously were like two body guards the whole day. Also, they didn't treat me like a girl and even played up the pranks and crap like that - nothing was off limits and I laughed all day long. Nice. Second, it was awesome to hang out with people I don't normally chill with. I didn't want the day to end that's how much fun I had. It was a nice change of pace for sure. But all good things must come to an end - B had a dinner date later on that day and I think Al was implying to hang out that evening - which would have been cool as hell, but I wasn't about to give him the wrong idea. No way.

This brings me to my next point. I'm done - no more dating right now. Sure if someone asks, that's cool and I'll give it a go, but other than that - I'm not on the lookout and I'm not putting out the vibe. I just can't do it anymore. The actual date isn't the problem, its telling the guy that it won't work out that has me rethinking stuff. I've had to do this a lot lately and I don't like it. In fact I hate it. How do you tell a guy that he's really cool, but you don't think it will work? They don't believe you, they think you are feeding them a line and all of a sudden, you are the enemy.

Oh well. I'm a little stressed too because my life might be changing with this talk about moving to Atlanta. Its all very preliminary still, but its looking like everyone will be moving leaving me to make my decision. Not sure what I'll do, but I'm trying not to think about it until it happens.

And I'm not sure if its my illness (woke up sick on Saturday and spent the last three days in bed), but I could really use a hug and a kiss and an "everything will be alright" just about now. No arms to crawl into, no chest to lean my head upon. So sad.

I'm so blah today - so very blah about it all. Life is going on all around me and I just want to go back to bed and sleep some more. Yuk.

Lame Ass Post

2006-02-16T14:13:00.000-05:00

Yeh, I got nothing new to report. I have yet to hear whether or nor my family is moving to Atlanta. Until then I have some time to think about what the hell I'm going to do. I think staying in New Jersey is what is best for me right now. I mean this is the perfect opportunity to start fresh and new, but I think I need to do this. I need to stay.

As for my love life - that's a non issue. I went on 4 dates with a nice, good guy, but again, something was missing.....I don't want to air any dirty laundry, I just know that it wouldn't have worked.

I told my sister about these recent events and she totally castrated me for getting rid of yet another "live one." It was to the point that I actually felt bad that I don't want him in my life. That there is something wrong with me, but then I remembered that the last time my sister was dating was 18 years ago. What the hell does she know about dating in 2006??? She has NO clue what its like out there....but I digress.

Anyway, I'm off tomorrow and Monday. Tomorrow I am hitting the slopes with B for a small ski trip. Should be fun....anytime spent with B is a good time. We kill one another so I'm really looking forward to this. Then Saturday, seeing my favorite cover band, Urban Trip which is always fun....I promise I will not get on stage this time.....maybe. Sunday evening is Nicole's birthday so we are headed to a city club. I have no money for this venture, and I'm tot really feeling it, but she's a good friend so I will bend over backwards to go....hey now.

See? This post was lame....but I love you and I wanted to make sure I got something up before the weekend. I'll try to post at some point.....maybe.......

Showing The Love

2006-02-14T09:32:00.000-05:00

At first my post was going to be cynical. It was going to go over why I am the way I am about love right now. Kind of outline what is wrong with me and why I have this failure to commit. But I don't need to bore you with details. I don't need to sit here and convey why I am afraid of sharing a special moment with just anyone. I can save that post for tomorrow.

Instead in celebration of Valentines Day, I'm not going to spew my lonliness on you. I'm going to tell you that I am rich and full of love. I have the best family a girl could ask for. I have a circle of friends who love me and want the best for me. I have pen pals that I speak to on a daily basis, I have pen pals that I don't necessarily speak to every day too. It doesnt make me love them any less....because when I need them, when I need a special hello and they need words of encouragement, we are there for one another. That's great love. That's friendship. That's tangible and real. I can't feel it with my hands, but I feel it in my heart.

One word: awesome.

I woke up this morning grumpy. Cranky if you will because I was upset with myself. I was upset that I haven't allowed anyone in. Three great opportunities have come my way these last few months and three times I've said neigh neigh. It happens. This morning I was down because I thought there was something wrong with me....why won't I let it happen, why am I so scared? Why do I find something wrong with everyone???? Am I just that picky, or just that fucked up?

Seriously, I think I'm being honest with myself. I won't settle for less anymore. I want what I want. Sure there are variations to what I want, but when it happens, I'll know it. It will hit me like a ton of bricks. It might not be today, it might be 10 years from now, but it will happen.

I'm feeling much better now because I remembered that I am capable of love. I show it in my affections for my friends and family. I say I love you and I mean it. I tell my friends, even my guy friends what they mean to me. Sure they are men and at first it will make them feel uncomfortable, but then they remember its me and that's who I am. They'll hug me and tell me they love me back and for that I am grateful because these are the people who matter most.

So if you are a reader of this site, if you've ever "shown me the love" know that I want happiness for you. Know that I appreciate any sentiments you have ever shown me. Know that you are thought of and I'm sending you good vibes today.

Know that I've learned to love me and from that I'll be able to love again.

Shoulder Weights

2006-02-13T08:05:00.000-05:00

After all these months I think I'm getting a little closer to figuring out who the hell I am. Recently I've been dating yet another gentleman. He's nice, he's well educated and he could quite possibly be the best looking guy I've ever dated.....but I find that we talk a lot about me and I'm not comfortable with that anymore. Don't laugh. I'm being serious, he's...how can I put this, he's more of the intellectual persuasion - and he always wants to talk about me and my experiences and its starting to become awkward for me. Add to that the fact that in a few months he will be a full fledged psychologist and we have nothing but awkward soup for Mer.

I bring this up because I've realized in the last two weeks that I'm not the person I was a year ago. The last 14 years have been spent pleasing a man and being in a relationship with one. All my stories and experiences mostly involve one of two people....Glenn and Ted. That's not cool and I find myself talking about drunk escapades with Trixie and B rather than my day long trips to the museum and traveling to all the wonderful places I've been all because I don't want to talk about my past. I'm not that person anymore - I'm so far from being that person that I hate talking about her. I'm not as naive, I'm not as gullible and I'm a little "harder" than I used to be. I'm not so willing to please and I've created a wall around my emotions. I'm finding that its not me that says things first, rather now its the guy. When did that shift occur?

This weekend due to the inclement weather the tri-state area had (3 feet of fucking snow), I spent time chilling with my mother and she even commented on my behavior stating that she has seen a drastic change in who I am. I'm completely independent of men, they do not rule my world anymore. She finds it refreshing, but at the same time she worries. She worries that I'm shutting out good people.

I agree and disagree. I feel that I don't want to waste my time or anyone else's. I was being 100% honest when I told Jake that I didn't think I was capable of giving him what he deserved. I couldn't say and do the things that he did. I couldn't reciprocate feelings and actions of love and I have a feeling it will be the same way with this new guy. What I want will be exceptionally hard to find. Looks aren't as important as I originally thought, but being in shape is (sorry, man boobs are just not hot). Sense of humor? Yeh, guys think they are funny and witty, but I like to laugh out loud, B and I laugh a lot, I mean a whole lot, why can't I find a guy with that sense of humor? This is going to be hard. It really really will....because not only does it have to be the right kind of guy with the right kind of attitude, it also has to be when I'm ready to have a relationship....which I'm not. These two paradigms need to coincide at the right time.

This new guy was a complete accident. I thought we were just going to be friends, but he asked me out to dinner. I give everything a shot, I really do, I put my best foot forward, but in all honesty, I doubt it will work out. At least he has his own life. He has career goals that will keep us from seeing too much of one another. Whew....(but we all know from past experiencea with the dating rituals of Mer that this guy is already toast.....so sad).

Also, and this may come as a BIG shock to some, I don't want to sleep with anyone....at least not until I know its for real. My libido is out of control with the necessity to find someone good in bed, yet I don't want to with this guy - as hot as he is I'm like "eh." This guy wants in my pants really bad, but its not happening and I plan on verbalizing that to him. Perhaps that will scare him off. Who knows....if it does scare him off, then that helps me with the inevitable....breaking up with yet another guy. Chew 'em up....spit 'em out. That could quite possibly be my new motto. Its becoming a cycle that I need to break....at least now I recognize that I don't want to sleep with them before it actually happens. Plus not only do I see this, my friends do as well and I don't think they are going to allow me to keep fucking up by doing this to men.

All of this combined with the fact that I might very well be moving to Atlanta has become a bit much. Quietly I am dealing with all of this, I'm not really talking to friends and family about it because I'm trying to make a decision on my own. Like I told my mother this weekend, for the first time in my life, I'm living for me. I'm not going to school for my parents, but for me. I'm not dating anyone just to be with someone and I've finally found a click of friends that works for me. I finally have a life to call my own, and that fact alone has me saying I might stay in Jersey. This might be the indpendence that I not only need, but crave. This might be the thing that I need to finally take a stand and do me. Be me. Make my own decisions with no outside forces....but it comes at the expense of my loved ones. Big decisions indeed.

I'm thankful for the clarity that I have right now. Its the first time in my life that I see it all, the whole picture. But there is still a lot to consider here, a whole lot to think about and its weighing heavily on my mind. I'm heading down to B's office now to unload because he's the only one I know that cuts through all the bullshit, smacks me around and tells me I'm a crazy silly girl who needs to get a grip....but he's much nicer than that obviously.

More on this later.

Georgia On My Mind

2006-02-09T07:15:00.000-05:00

New developments in the life of Mer....not anything new or surprising right? I always have something crazy or whacky going on....sometimes its of my own hand, sometimes its because of outside forces. So when I tell you that its a 50/50 shot that I'm moving to Atlanta, it shouldn't surprise you right?

Well it surprises the hell out of me.....

The scenario goes like this. My brother-in-law works for a world wide organization. Somehow, someway, his job involves always dealing with the big-wigs and he's made nicey nice with the CEO of the company. The CEO has recently left the company to head up another venture in Atlanta. The CEO also LOVES my sister and wants her to be his assistant, plus bring my brother-in-law down to Atlanta to head his own division. We're talking bucu bucks here for both.

How does this affect you Mer?

I'll tell you how this affects Mer, because my sister wants to bring me down there to be her nanny. I don't know all the logistics, but she'd also pay for me to go back to school at night. This is why this offer is worth entertaining - I'd get my degree. Plus my parents are entertaining the idea to move down there as well. If they sold their house here in Jersey, they'd make a killing giving them enough money to pay off debt and start a good new life for themselves - maybe even early retirement.

I'm very torn about this decision. First off, I like New Jersey. Not only do I have my friends here, but I'm 20 minutes from the capital of the world, New York City, I'm 20 minutes from the country (I'm talking Moo Cows here people), and I'm about a half hour from the beach. I have everything at my disposal including some of the best sports in the nation. I have it all.

But if I go to Atlanta, I get to finish school and I don't have to get into debt doing it. But do I want to be responsible for raising my nephew? I barely want kids of my own let alone mold him into a retard like me. My sister is a wonderful mother, I couldn't hold a candle to what she does. Then again, he's only 16 months, I'd most likely have him potty trained by 20 months - no diaper poopy changing - homey don't play that.

On the other hand - its a whole new start. A fresh start to rebuild my life.....but isn't that what I've been doing? Its all very hard. For the most part I've decided to wait and see to make 100% sure they are going to move there. She interviewed over the phone yesterday, but it wasn't all about her qualifications, it was more like, "What is it going to take to bring you on board?" This guy is no joke. How many opportunities are you given like this in a lifetime right? They'd be dumb to pass it up.

Saturday evening the CEO is taking them to dinner to discuss what they want and what it will take. He means business and actually, they've already begun to look at houses down there.

I think for my sister and my folks this is a great opportunity. If I were them, I would do it. But for me, I'm not really sure. I can always move down there later on if I wanted right? Then again if I stay behind I have to sell my car (BOOOOO!!!) and get a second job in order to make rent. One bedroom apartments here are around $900 -$1200/month. Well if I sell my car, then I don't need a second job. But my family will be thousands of miles away and I'd probably only see them twice a year. Even when I wasn't living home I still saw my family at least once a week. This would be a huge adjustment.

There is a lot to consider here and I don't know if I'm ready to make any decisions. I guess I'll just wait and see how their meeting goes on Saturday.

I'm a little sad....this is going to be big any way I slice it.

Random Questions

2006-02-08T12:14:00.000-05:00

Good day all. I'm in and out of a conference today running around like a chicken with out a head. So I'm going to leave you with an email questionnaire. Feel free to cut and paste to friends.

How would you describe yourself to someone who doesn't know you?
Fun, out going, intelligent, spontaneous

What is your worst feature?
My temper when someone goads me

What is your very best feature?
My humor and positive outlook

What's the worst thing you will do for the right amount of money?
Jump in a vat of puke for a babillion dollars

When was the last time you got disgustingly drunk? details please!?
What time is it? - probably my birthday

What is your favorite past time?
Sitting by the window during a warm summer rain or doing photography in the city

What is your drink of choice?
Oh god, do you have time??? Let's start with cosmopolitans, Tom Collins, Seabreeze, Corona, Bass - I can keep going if you have time.

What famous person would you get "hot & sweaty" with given the chance?
You want this list alphabetically or numerically???? - Brad Pitt, Collin Ferrell, Hugh Jackman, Robert Feines, Matt Damon, George Clooney, et al.

What is your all time favorite position? (And I don't mean sports!!!)
Missionary is boring - but get the right partner and HOLLA!!!

Where is the weirdest place you ever did "it"?
Weirdest or most fun? On the beach, Memorial Day weekend - about 2:00 p.m.

Have you ever done "it" outdoors? ... not in a car ... where?
Yep, see above

Do you have any regrets in life?
Being so stupid for so long with Ted

If you had a regret ... what would you do different given the chance?
Been smarter about my choices and stronger to carry them out

Do you believe in destiny?
Nah. I don't think we are pre-destined for anything, but I do believe things work themselves out.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Lust, not love

Do you believe in miracles?
Yes, the miracle of life

Where in the world would you love to travel to that seems out of reach?
Italy right now - no moolah. :(

What is the craziest thing you ever did ... totally without thinking?
First time I jumped on stage during a performance by a band - I had to be about 21 - but that kind of set the trend for years to come.

What is your favorite TV show now?
My Name is Earl, The Office and That 70's Show

What was your favorite TV show growing up?
Pee Wee's Playhouse and Magnum P.I.
What’s your favorite food?

Ice cream - hands down

What food do you dislike?
Anything that smells bad

What is your favorite CD/Song or artist at this moment?
None - maybe Staind, Maroon 5???

What are some of your all-time favorite songs?
Smoke Gets in Your Eyes by The Platters, You Belong to Me by Dean Martin

What characteristic do you despise?
Obnoxious, chatty, rude, inconsiderate people - oh wait, you only wanted one....

What is your life goal at this moment?
To be happy and content

What was your childhood dream of becoming?
A doctor, teacher or actress

Your favorite flower?
Gardenia's or Hyacinth's

When is your birthday and how old or young will you be?
2/4/77 - I just turned 29

If you had 3 wishes what would they be?
Well that's easy - Money - money and oh yeh - money. I know it should be world peace or something, but this is make believe anyway

What is one thing you would change about your significant other?
I don't have one.....but I'm working on it.

If you can change one thing about anyone you know what would it be?
President Bush - I'd make him a better president (after I beat the living piss out of him).

What is the worst thing a friend has ever done to you?
Left me at the mall - but they weren't really a friend now were they?

How old where you when you first had sex?
16 - and I don’t regret that because he was the right guy.

Have you ever tried any kind of drug?
Yep, only pot though

Have you ever gotten arrested? For what?
Nope....I really can't believe that, I've done some retarded things.

If you could have one special gift or talent what would it be?
To sing better than anyone else on the earth

Do you believe money can change who you are? I mean a lot of money.
Yep - I'd be ridiculously happy. But that's just me....

Have you ever had more than one partner at a time?
Nope, I'm a good girl

Do you believe in life after death?
God I hope so

Do you believe what comes around goes around?
Hells yes!!!! Karma is a b*tch.

Do you hate filling out these questionnaires?
Nope, it passes the time at work.

Lucky Girl

2006-02-06T11:08:00.000-05:00

Calling me a lucky girl is an understatement. My birthday weekend was out of control awesome....and when I say it was "out of control" I mean it was KICK ASS!!

Before I tell you how I spent the weekend, I want to make it clear how lucky I am to have the family and friends that I have. They truly tried their hardest to make this birthday a special and memorable one. They all know what I've been through and they all love me, thus making this the best birthday I have had in 13+ years. It was tremendous and lovely.

Thursday - karaoke with my parents and co-workers was out of control. My parents didn't stay late, but they had a great time watching all of us get drunk and act like retards. They actually want to come again - go figure. We brought H along with us and if you'll recall - him and I have been weird since that little stint this summer. Yeh, well that was totally abolished Thursday. We were right back to the way we used to be before that whole episode and it was hysterical. H got BOMBED. He kept leaving his cell phone unattended - naturally I had to fuck with him by changing the banner on his cell phone display.....three times. "Mer is Cool." "I am Gay" and "I like Penis" - all very true. Funny part is that he was too drunk to know how to change it back and he kept coming to me - of all people - to fix it. Of course I didn't. Plus we convinced him to get on stage. He did a rendition of "Plush" by Stone Temple Pilots. It was funny as hell.

Friday - no comment about Friday - but good things were going on Friday.

Saturday - Mom threw me a party at the house with my friends and family and it was great. I got some really nice things that I wasn't expecting. Truth be told, I totally forgot about the presents part of things, I was just so happy my friends were coming over and my family finally got the chance to meet them. Two awesome presents of note were my iPod Nano and my Devil's Jersey. SO FRIGGIN GREAT!! I'm so lucky.

From there we traveled into the city and met up with more people. Much to my enjoyment, everyone chipped in and bought a VIP table for the occasion. Can I just say, if I had the money, this is the ONLY way I would ever go out. It was insane. We had three huge ass bottles of liquor and I got to play bartender. Uh yeh, I don't know who allowed me to do that because needless to say, everyone got RIPPED. So much fun. The evening ended about 5:30 a.m. - uh yeh. Nice.

During the day though, I received a call from an old friend of mine. See when I was married, all of my friends were people that my husband knew. It was a whole crowd of us that always hung out....and somehow, someway - I got them in the divorce settlement. YAY!!! Anyway, my friend John (the man I SHOULD have married) is very well off with money having won $36 million about 6 years ago (Don't worry, I was in love with him well before that, the money is now just a bonus). Every year he hosts a Superbowl party and sure enough, he was having it again last night.

Sunday - woke up at 12:00 noon and laid around all day with Trixie. We did nothing - we couldn't. Thank god I didn't have a hangover, but still, I was tired as hell. Then later that evening Samantha, Matty, Cheryl and myself rallied and headed to John's for the party where I got to see everyone - all my friends from before my divorce. That in itself was great, but John he really really does know how to put on a good party (I'd still jump on his head six different ways). Every room had a television in it, he had the food catered, he's got a big den downstairs complete with a big screen television and he DJ'd during the whole half time. It was insane. I was sooooo happy to see everyone - it was the cherry on top. I reconnected with a few people and I'm never going to allow us all to stray again.

All in all, it was a great weekend. For the most part everything went according to plan. I'm on cloud nine right now with all my stupid happiness coursing through my body. I am one lucky girl indeed.

Birthday Wishes

2006-02-02T08:45:00.000-05:00

Today is a much better day and its only going to get better.

Tonight kicks off a weekend long birthday celebration and you know what??? I'm going to soak it all up because I deserve it. Every year for the last 10 years, at minimum, my birthday has been a disaster for one reason or another.

Examples? Sure, why not - every year sucked for one reason or another.

16th Birthday - report cards came out 3 days before my Sweet 16. I didn't have a HUGE party per say, but about 5 of my friends were grounded for being degenerates and 2 just didn't show up. Thus leaving about 5 of my other friends to endure my crazy lunatic cousins and family.

17th Birthday - not bad, got my license and Glenn took me to a Devils game and had my name put up on the big screen.

18th and 19th Birthday - it snowed - everything was cancelled

20th birthday - my ex-husband (boyfriend at the time) didn't discuss anything with my mother and of course she was forced to rearrange my family birthday party (this became a theme for him for years to come).

For my 21st birthday my ex-husband (still my boyfriend at the time) planned a trip for myself and a few other people to Atlantic City. Since it was the big 2-1 - my mother was planning a huge party as well. Of course Glenn didn't discuss it with my mother and the whole thing became an ordeal for me to deal with. Not him, me. I had to be caught in the middle of the situation, again, and I felt just absolutely awful that I had to tell my mother I'd be away. WAIT, it doesn't end there. We all go down to Atlantic City - about 10 of us - with the plan to stay at his Aunt's condo - only problem, the water was shut off. Yes, we made the best of it, but come on now, that just really sucks.

22nd Birthday was actually ok - I got engaged at Rockafellar Center (where our first date was) and we stayed at The Plaza.....but I got sick that night with the shitz and spent the whole night in the bathroom. Good times.....should have read that as a sign, but I digress.

23rd through 25th Birthdays were just about the same thing - he was an asshole who never contacted my family about anything because he thought he was superior. He never told my family anything I wanted for my birthday so his whole family could get me everything I wanted (I'm not complaining though) and my poor mother was left to fend for herself. It makes me sad when I think about how much he left my parents in the dark. See a pattern?

26th Birthday I was about to leave my husband. A few of us rented a van and went to the city, but my friend Scott's girlfriend got rip roaring drunk and became incredibly loud and belligerant. We wound up leaving early. Plus I was fighting with my husband all night. God I hate him.

27th Birthday I was with Ted and he didn't have a pot to piss in so I got a nice gift, but that was it. No special dinners, no special day. He was too busy blowing his money on coke.

28th Birthday - this was the absolute WORST birthday. Not only was I on the outs with Ted and his drinking and drug abuse at an all time high, but my family and I decided to go to a local bar to do karaoke. None of my friends showed up. It wasn't posh enough for them. NOT only that, but my friend Laura and Rob were supposed to be there (She was my best friend at the time). Laura had slept with Rob once upon a time and when Laura's current boyfriend found out that Rob was going to be there, he flipped. I had to ask Rob not to come - BUT, get this, Laura's boyfriend continued to be a 2 year old and took her keys and cut up her mac card and then locked her out of the house. So not one friend came to that party. I still had a good time, I was with family, but still, it hurt all the same.

For my 29th Birthday Trixie is trying her hardest to make it a good one. For all her fucked up ways, this is one of the reasons why she is in fact a good friend. She knows how shitty my previous birthdays have been and she's trying so hard to make this birthday one that I will always remember as a good one.

Tonight I will be celebrating with another co-worker up in Congers, New York. Her birthday is tomorrow the 3rd and mine is the 4th. We are going to do karaoke and we are expecting other co-workers to join. I even think my parents are going to be there as well and I'm really excited about that.

Tomorrow, well tomorrow I am going to dinner and calling it a mellow night.

Saturday on the other hand, well that is going to be a shit fest. Festivities begin with a home cooked meal by my mother with friends and family. The standard cake and presents procedure to follow. Then my friends and I are headed to the city for a change. I have no expectations, but I'm keeping an open mind so I don't get disappointed. If any of you are in the NYC area, we will be at Strata (915 Broadway and 21st) - come and join me.

I don't ask for much, I'm wishing for a good birthday - not EXCELLENT, out of control, or amazing - just a good one. NO drama....please.

A La No More

2006-02-01T08:37:00.000-05:00

Out of all the possible scenarios I had come up with, all the prep, the talk, the worry - it didn't go quite like I expected.....at all. But nothing ever goes as expected for Mer....remember?

Every day, three times a day Jake and I spoke. Once in the morning, once in the afternoon and then before going to bed. I don't know how we ever got into that whole schedule, but its what has happened every day for the last few weeks. Yesterday I never heard from him.....all day. I took it as a sign and I took it as a door to approach him and talk to him about the doubt and eventual break up....it was my in, my foot in the door. I was going to say something along the lines of, "You must be upset with me if I didn't hear from you all day....yadda yadda yadda" and then go into the whole, "this isn't working" bit.

By 7:00 p.m. I had not heard a word and I bit the bullet and called him. We spoke for a few minutes and he began by telling me how awful his day was and how little sleep he got that night. So I asked him flat out - "Was it because of me?" To which he didn't reply, instead he said it was a bunch of stuff.

I'm not one to kick a man when he's down. I tried to cheer him up, I kept the conversation light and then got off the phone so he could eat dinner with the agreement he would call me back after 9.

He does in fact call me back and again, I'm not going to bring it up, it would have been mean of me to do that. I do care for him, just not the same way he cares about me....but still. Anyway, we talk some more, normal banter, nothing serious and then I get off the phone with him because I'm falling on my face trying to keep my eyes open. We say good night and end it.

Or so I thought.

Two minutes later he calls back and asks me, "Do you not want to talk to me anymore?"

This I swear is like from left field.....but when opportunity knocks.....

I answered him truthfully and sincerely,

"Yes, but I have to be honest. I wanted to talk to you tonight about something that has been on my mind. We didn't see each other this weekend and it gave me a little time to reflect on some stuff. I told you that in the beginning I wasn't ready for a relationship, yet you and I somehow fell into one. I'm really trying to make better changes in my life and I'm trying to figure out how to create an equilibrium for both you and my life. I'll admit, distance does have a factor in all of this."

"Mer you could of just told me."

"Well I wanted to talk to you and I was all set to do so tonight, but you called me in this foul mood - and I can't kick a man when he's down. You just don't do that. - Listen, I like you, I think you are wonderful and I know you'll never hurt me, but there is a but and there shouldn't be one. I will never be able to reciprocate the things you say and do and that's not fair to you. You deserve a lot more than what I can give you. Its not fair to you."

That's how it went down. He told me I could have spoken to him, but he felt like I was blowing him off - that caught me off guard because how was I blowing him off if I spoke to him every day like three to four times a day? But its his perception I guess.

I wish I could tell you all that I feel bad...I do, I feel bad about hurting him, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn't happy it was all over. For right now, it feels right to be single.....I can't explain it, but its just right. When it happens, it happens.

To have continued dating him just to fill a void I was going through would have been mean and cruel. I did care for him, but not at the same capacity he cared for me. I wish him nothing but the best. I hope he finds someone deserving of his love.

And we're back in the saddle again......

I Abhor Dating

2006-01-31T08:12:00.000-05:00

Awful, I feel awful....because I'm acting the EXACT way I didn't want to act toward him. I am the ultimate asshole. Ok, that's stretching it because technically I'm not doing anything wrong, but then why do I not feel good about it? Why do I question myself and not feel right? I feel icky like I betrayed him, yet I haven't done anything wrong. He's not my boyfriend, we are not committed to one another. I haven't wronged him in any way.

I think tonight I should come clean about it all. I should tell him that although I like him, he really does live too far for this to work. Come on now - think about it. I don't see him all week and if I'm going to see him then I have to give up my entire weekend. I can't do that - I'm not ready for a relationship with him and I don't think we have what it takes to go the distance for a this relationship....so there. - does it sound like I'm trying to convince myself? It does right? Why do I feel guilty for not liking him as much? - most likely because my mother has always used guilt against me like any Italian mother would. Its a natural reaction I have when I know I've been dishonest.

Last night I fibbed a little to him. I don't want to see him 4 days in a row and I didn't know how to tell him that. Plus I wanted to make other plans that did not involve him - does that make me a bad person? I feel bad and I shouldn't. I really really need to get the balls and flat out tell him what's up. Its soooo hard to because when I get on the phone with him, I can't do it. I just can't and I've NEVER ever had an issue being honest with anyone despite what the topic is.

Yes, I'm moaning again. I'm totally whining and being a little insecure girl. I'm sorry - its so hard to hurt someone that you don't want to intentionally hurt. Too bad I couldn't write him a letter because then I could just do it and be done with it.

URGH!!!! I sooooo loathe dating.

The Long and Short

2006-01-30T13:19:00.000-05:00

The long and short of it all is that I did not talk to Jake about my feelings this weekend. Why? Because I didn't see him face to face and I won't do it over the phone. I just can't do it like that over the phone. Plus I let the cards lie where they fell all weekend. I didn't push anything, I just let it go. Which was a bonus and helped a lot.

Like my mother said, I'm only dating him. He knows that I don't want a relationship, he knows I don't want to be serious - well then there you go. Then again, if I get the chance, perhaps I will talk to him during the week. I mean we didn't see one another all weekend and neither one of us was broken up over it....that's got to say something no?

As you already are aware, this weekend is my birthday and I have many things planned. At first he was to be part of it, but I'm going to have to say neigh neigh to that. I can't be with him from Thursday night through Sunday. No fucking way. If and when we get on the topic, I'll tell him Saturday night is my night out with friends. He'll be cool about it, I know. But here's the other part - someone asked me out today on a date for this Friday. If things weren't already complicated enough.

I'm not one to date a lot. I don't date more than one man, but why not? Why not go on this date Friday?.....because that would mean having to tell Jake something.

GOD I HATE THIS.

I wish I had the balls to talk to him right now and tell him, "Sorry dude, this isn't going to work out." - but when he calls me and I'm like, "he's so nice." - but nice doesn't cut it.

I'm all over the place. Shoot me. Shoot me now.

My new name is Calamity Mer. I should change this site from Finding Mer to Calamity Mer. Yes, that's more fitting right?

Well, if Jake still comes to the party on Thursday night with my co-workers, then he can stay by my place and I'll chill with him all day and tell him I'm going to dinner with my friend who won't be able to take part in Saturday night's festivities. OR, I could come clean about the whole thing.

What will Mer do?????? Will she go with Curtain #1 or Curtain #2???????

Oh fuck.

Planting the Seed

2006-01-27T07:53:00.000-05:00

This week I have been rather mellow and withdrawn, introverted so to speak. I haven't been cracking jokes, I haven't been my fun loving self living la vida loca. For reasons I've already divulged to you its been a very solemn week and today really isn't much different. There are certain things that I know I have to take care of and in keeping with that idea I had promised myself and the higher order that last night I would at least give Jake some kind of understanding to what could possibly be bothering me.

At about 7 last night I gave him a call and we had our usual banter of how the day was, what was aggravating/funny or even remotely interesting about our day - his was the same ol same ol. Normally I would wait for an opening to start on the topic that I need to get off my chest, but instead I bit the bullet and got right into it.

Explaining my feelings to someone that I'm not on the same level with has always been difficult and since I broke up with Ted, its only become harder. I studdered, I stammered, I cleared my head, took a deep breath and started from the beginning. I told him about the issues I'm having with my dog, my grandmother, my mother and her slight bought of depression that has been creeping in since the news of my grandmother. He knew that I had goals set for myself for this year and he understands the pressure I'm placing on myself. He understood everything. He sat there and listened giving advice along with a few "yep's" and "I know's." He was nice....very very nice about the whole thing. It killed me more because I knew that I had to give him some kind of understanding that although I have many pressures in my life, that he wasn't exactly scott free.

He had made a comment to me the other day about how his health and everything has suffered a little since he's met me. He's been so excited and caught up in me that he hasn't paid much attention to things he did before he met me....I went with that angle. I told him that I knew what he was talking about because its four weeks into the new year and I haven't begun any of the things I said I would and I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that it had to do with us. It does, that's not a lie. I told him that with everything going on, I'm trying to figure out where he fits in all of it. I told him that I have been honest with him this whole time and I will continue to do so.

However, as great as the conversation was and how much he understood, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I won't be coming up this evening to see him. I backed out. I didn't have the cojonas to do it. I'm an asshole and now I have to do it today.....last minute.

There are a few reasons why I don't want to see him and the biggest reason isn't the selfish one - its actually to protect him. I already know I won't be huggy, touchy, kissy, feely with him - if anything I'll push him away and that would kill him. That would hurt him so much and I can't do that to him. I'm in one of "those" moods. Ever notice that sometimes you just don't want to be bothered? That's me this week, I haven't even been lovey with my parents. Also, I don't want to drive an hour out to see him and act like this - I wouldn't be able to pretend and then things might not go very well. He'll keep asking me if I'm ok and if he did something wrong and then I know me, I'll snap at him and tell him something mean. I don't want to be like that, but when I get irritated, it happens. Plus I think I need time away from him.

This morning I will call him, before he calls me hopefully, and tell him I'm not coming up. I'm going to be honest and tell him its because I'm still in this shit ass mood and it wouldn't be fair to him if I came up there and wasn't myself. PLUS I have to be back in Jersey early and the whole thing would be a wash. I'll suggest meeting up someplace mutual on Sunday. I won't talk to him about "us" until I see him on Sunday. I don't think that I'm being mean if I keep to the truth and the truth is, I'll be weird around him and it will only hurt him. I don't want that. I'll feel trapped, cornered and defensive - all ingredients for a cranky Mer.

I've at the very least planted the seed. He knows I'm not me right now and if I can't get over it by Sunday, then I know what I have to inevitably do. I don't want to, but I don't see how we are going to work out.

My like will never grow into love. There you have it. So simple, yet so very complicated.

Unchanged

2006-01-26T10:45:00.000-05:00

Its been a few days since I last posted and my feelings have not changed, if anything, they've become more clear.

After talking with my friends and giving myself some "alone" time I've come to the conclusion that it is best to be forward and direct with Jake. I should tell him everything.

What I've neglected to tell you all is that I'm actually going through some other personal stuff so these issues with Jake aren't making life any easier. First off, my grandmother - we know she has a form of Dimentia, but now we also believe she's suffered a mini stroke. She's 78 or 79 years old and she's slowly been losing it. Talking to her either exasperates you or makes you angry. My poor mother deals with her the most and its not easy to see your own mother be unhappy. Second, my dog. My wonderful Rotty has a new heart murmur. After $210 already at the vet, I know that his organs aren't in any danger, but after some more testing (more moolah I don't have), I'll know if its the onset of congestive heart failure which I'm almost positive it is.

Lastly, I have a set of goals I want to accomplish in 2006. They are long term goals, but I haven't started not a one. I'm getting down on myself for that, but at the same time I know the only way to do them is to focus on myself and I'm spreading myself thin when I spend time with Jake on the weekends. I need to back off with him. Definitely.

Jake called me a little while ago and he knows something is up. He asked me if everything was ok and I told him that I'm in one of those moods. I told him that I've been very introverted this week because I'm not good at talking about my feelings (with other people that is - and that's truth). I told him that I have a lot on my mind and I'll work up the courage to speak to him about it this evening. I told him that I have a lot of goals set for myself for 2006 (second job, an apartment, pay bills, get on my feet, take some classes and lessons, etc.) and I'm upset that I haven't started any of them yet. I assured him that he hasn't done anything wrong and not to worry.

Later I'll start with telling him about my dog and my grandmother. Then I'll get into the whole 2006 goals and how I really want to focus on those things right now. I'm going to reassure him that he hasn't done anything wrong, but right now I have to focus on me. I might cancel tomorrow night because he isn't feeling well and I'll use this as an opportunity to take a break from him. Perhaps I'll see him Sunday - we'll meet at a mutual location or something. I don't know how that will go over, but I'm going to try and work it in. The good thing is that this isn't B.S. - this is truth - everything I'm telling him is truth. So I don't feel so horrible as I normally would. AND he told me that I can talk to him about anything and he asked again if it was about him. I told him no, its me - that I'm not good about talking about my feelings and I will. I also said, "But I thought I've been very honest with you so far." And he agreed that I have been, so for now its ok. He knows I'm not ready for a relationship, but we are falling into one. I'm very glad that I was honest from the beginning. That I am thankful for.

I feel so mellow and tired today. I'm not even going out tonight (GASP!!) I know this is the right decision, but its making me feel like I have a ton of bricks on my shoulders and until I speak to him, I won't feel any better. I want to speak to him face to face, but to drive an hour just to disappoint someone is no good. I'll get the ball rolling tonight on the phone.....its all in the timing.

Likeable Lost

2006-01-24T07:24:00.000-05:00

For the last two and a half days I've had this big weight on my shoulders trying to decide what I was going to do about Jake. Saturday night I began to panic and I didn't understand why. Perhaps it was the L-Bomb he dropped on me that evening, perhaps it was too much time spent with him so fast. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I do know this, I have GOT to talk to him real soon about this before it gets out of hand. We need to have the relationship status talk. I know what I feel, I know what I want and I don't want to hurt him any more than can potentially happen. This weekend I think it would be proper for me to sit him down and figure this all out. I want to continue seeing him, but I don't want to lead him on if he's looking for long term, because I can't give that. I'm in the throws of a panic attack right now writing about it. I've written a little letter to him here, of course it will never see the light of day, but it basically states what I will inevitably have to tell him sooner or later. I will however, talk to him this weekend and if the conversation starts going the "L" bomb route, then I'll have to use this. God I hate this.

++++++++++++++++++

In my mind I think you are wonderful. You're sweet, you're kind, you want nothing more than to put a big smile on my face. You have a stable job, you work hard, you enjoy what life has offered you thus far and you don't complain.

My brain, my mind, this cranium of mixed up jumbalaya, puts you in a different catagory than most I've dated. You shine because you are a beautiful person. There is tranquility in your life, and nothing is pretentious about you. You're a regular guy, a normal guys' guy. You're manly, you can use tools the proper way and fix anything, but at the same time, you are a gentle giant.

You are a good man....who deserves more than I have to offer.

You have deep feelings for me that I do not think I can ever reciprocate. I've spoken to you about this before. Its so easy for you to tell me how happy you are, how much you like me, how much your life has changed since I've come into it but I can't repeat those things. I can't openly tell you that I want to be with you or that I miss you. I can't - I'm not wired like that. I've told you that I was not sure what I was capable of. I've even told you that I have a fear of committment - and its not bullshit. I wanted to be honest all because I respect you and who you are to not pull any crap. I don't want to feed you lines that will ultimately hurt you. I could tell immediately that you wanted to be with me so bad. Setting you up with false hope was never my intention and neither is hurting you, but I have a feeling that is inevitable.

In my quest to find myself I may have deviated and taken a few tours. I may have hurt a few people, I know I was definitely hurt a few times myself. I may still be a mixed up little girl who questions every move, who analyzes more than she should, but I do know now how to read my feelings and what I want. I now can recognize gut instinct on a multitude of factors surrounding my life so I say this with absolute confidence - my mind wants you, my heart does not. (ouch - sorry too harsh? Leave that part out?).

If you were to ask me if it was because of any one thing going on in my life or if it was something you did wrong, I would have to say no. I can't blame it on the shit that's happened to me in the past, I can't say its because I "need more time" to heal. I've asked you to back off a little bit and you did, for a while. However, I can honestly say that there is something missing....something that I'm not sure what it is. Am I dead inside? Do I not care enough? Are you giving me everything I need? No, that's not it, I care an awful lot for you and you try to make me very happy. I really do care about you, but its not love. Not the kind of love that would keep us together forever and that's important.

Many years ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine who put things into perspective for me. He laid it all out there very simply and I told myself that I would live by this rule if only for the fact that its the right thing to do. Once you've started dating someone and you know that he/she isn't "it," then its time to move on. Don't waste the other person's time because in the end you'll be saving them a load of heartache. That is how I feel right now. I don't want to waste your time.

I've been fighting these feelings for a little while now and spending an entire weekend with you didn't help. The panic attack on the drive home made that clear. I guess if I think way back to our first date, I probably had this notion, but I wanted to be with someone, I wanted to know what it was like to be cared for again, to be held, to be cherised. I shouldn't have been so selfish because it means hurting you in the end and you don't deserve that. Like I said, my mind wanted it, it wanted it to be you, but the heart tells me otherwise. The heart and the mind have to coincide.

I guess I could take the blase view of it all and say this is part of being in a relationship, but this is the part I hate. Someone gets hurt. I wish it didn't have to be you. You said that you had no expectations, and I wish I could believe that, but I have a feeling you want more and before it gets out of hand, I should do something about it now.
+++++++++++++++++++++

That's as far as I get because I don't know what else to say. How do you tell someone that "yeh, you're great, but I still don't want you." What a difficult position to be in right now. I like him, I'd keep seeing him if I knew that when the time was right I could walk away, but that's not fair to him and I'm not in the business of using people.

There are other factors here on why I don't want to be with him long term. Do I devulge them? Fuck it, I have to get it off my chest:

- First off, I don't think he could ever be intellectually stimulating enough for me. There is nothing I could learn from him that I don't already know - he isn't constantly feeding my mind. I need that.
- He's too vocal about his feelings - I know that sounds crazy, but if I'm not at that level, then it makes me uncomfortable, if anything it pushes me away.
- He lives over an hour away and the commute is starting to wear thin on me.
- Too much time spent with him and I get very antsy, that can't be a good sign.
- I like the way he kisses and I like some things he does, but other stuff isn't hot enough. I'm so sorry about this. I hate to say it and I've overlooked it thinking it would be better, but its not. I know that eventually the sexual part of stuff can wear off later on, but for now, when I want to be passionate and sexed up really good, its not happening. AND I've spoken to him and given pointers, but nope. I don't hold this completely against him. I can't....its not the reason why I would want to break up, let's put it that way.

So there are some of the reasons, that and my heart isn't in it. This is so sad because like I said, my head it there, my heart isn't. Normally its the other way around - I choose the wrong guys because of my heart.....not anymore.

This Friday I will sit him down and talk to him. I've tried before, but this time I will make sure it happens. Wish me luck.

Worst. Date. Ever.

2006-01-23T07:58:00.000-05:00

Fucking people suck.

That said......where do I even begin. I had decided to stop meeting people from MySpace back in the beginning of Decemeber. I had met a few guys that didn't pan out for one reason or another, when low and behold I received one last funny email just about the same time I met Jake. We kept in loose contact and he seemed pretty funny, a little pushy, but funny nonetheless. Of course things began to heat up with Jake and this guy, we'll call him Stimpy, (I don't know, it fits). Stimpy finally calls me out and wants to meet - and I'm 100% honest with him telling him I'm already dating someone else. He makes a good case and just says, let's meet.

Fine by me.

Well. Simpy's pictures were all of someone who was pretty shredded and buff - short perhaps, but still, he listed himself as 5'9" and so I went with it. Uh no. If he was 5'5" - I would be surprised. AND he had a pot belly. What is that? PLUS, I think he had a few drinks before we even met. BIG NO NO.

He winds up being this little bull dog with a chip on his shoulder. We talked, we ate, it was ok - and then he knocks my car citing reasons why the Infinity G35 is better than the Nissan 350Z. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? This is the type of shit you want to talk about on a first date? Not only that, but he gets snotty about the whole thing talking like he is the Infinity G35 rep or some shit. Yep, dem is fightin' words. The mother fucker actually looked me in the eye and said, "Do you know who Car and Driver magazine voted number one car two years ago?"

I'm not making this up. I looked him dead in the eye and told him, "I could really give a shit." Then he gets down on me for defending the 350Z AND the car that I drive. The car I've put loads of money into and then he has the balls to tell me I'm getting defensive. I don't about you guys, but when someone attacks anything I love and care about, I'm going to defend it. BUT that isn't even the last of it, I told him him flat out I didn't want to discuss this any longer that the conversation was taking a dive and I would like to talk about something else. HE KEEPS GOING AT ME telling me that I can dish it but I can't take it.

Let's stop right there. I barely spoke - I had to listen to him spew useless garbage and when I tried to talk, he interrupted.

Loser. He even berrated me via text messaging Friday and Saturday and THEN he also sent me two more emails. These are his two emails, verbatim and then my response. I lied a little of course about having a nice time, but I wanted to stick it to him.

+++++
First email: hey girl...how was the 101?? it was definitely an interestingtime last night. i think you're a cool chick... but it seems like you get defensive way to easily, and misconstrued a friendly debate of subjective opinions. i wasnt bashing YOUR car... i was stating my personal preference. if you can't understand where i was coming from - then oh well. sometimes you gotta just take a deep breath & chill...i'm sure if you need to take one or two - you can find a pill.

Second Email: sooooooo... r u not replying b/c you're sooo damn busy at work... or is your seaweed in a bundle??!! i have a feeling it's the latter, not the former ;-) hence my observation about you was correct. easily frazzled & extremely defensive b/c of past relationships. you gotta get over the past b/4 you can move into the future... is your seemingly coolness a facade?? or did you just have an off night?? you can't fake bein cool... and trust me girlie - i ain't no fool

My Response: Despite any differencing of opinions, I still had a good time. For your information, I left work at 9:00 a.m. on Friday. I was actually up for chilling with you one more time because "what if" it was just an offnight. Honestly, you and I had some pretty funny emails going and that my friend was a breathe of fresh air. But after reading the last two emails....and seeing how fast you are to judge. I'll pass. A small misunderstanding and whoops, look who got defensive.Thanks again for Thursday evening, be well and good bye.
++++++++++++++++++

Dude can't let it go. He's already responded to my email with a five paragraph dissertation. I have yet to read it because - why bother? Its him basically getting his panties in an uproar. Listen Stimpy - take off your panties and spit on them. Let it go. Let it go bro.

After that catastrophe, I did what The Cat would do - I went out with my friends.

At dinner I had two Cosmopolitans. Not bad. I took about 20 minutes to a half hour break between drinks at dinner and then I took another break before I met up with my friends at the 101 where I consumed another two drinks and one shot. All in all I drank for 5 1/2 hours, had only 4 drinks and one shot.....yet I got so bombed that the next day was a living disaster. I was so hungover that I had to leave work at 9. I could not stop throwing up.

I threw up 11 times. ELEVEN!!!!!!

People, I've gotten drunk before, I've had double that amount and been fine, but this one time, the alcohol must have hit me the wrong way because I wanted to die on Friday. Death could not take me fast enough....I had no business trying to go to work, I should have stayed home, but I try to be a trooper. Yeh, next time (which I pray there is NEVER a next time), I will stay home. I swear, I didn't even feel that bad going home from the 101 and I have been cursing myself out ever since. So not cool. So not cool on so many levels.

I have more to write about the weekend and that post will come later on because its a tough one to write for so many reasons. Yes, it has to do with Jake.

Complete Ass

2006-01-20T08:18:00.000-05:00

No post today due to brain hemorrhaging.

Lots of Stuff Today

2006-01-19T09:21:00.000-05:00

Lots of stuff to touch upon today. So let's get started shall we? First, special thanks to Trixie (on the left) because she's helping me plan my birthday party. That's right, yours truly (on the right) is turning the big 29 come February 4th. Every year something goes wrong for my birthday - its inevitable. Although something will most definitely go wrong this year too, she's trying to make it a good one. LOVE YA BABE!!!!

+++++++++++

Now yesterday I was in a tizzy (what else is new) and because of my issue I went to a very wise and powerful woman for advice......my mother. That woman, is good, let me just tell you. A little background info - in all of my past relationships, I was the giver. I was the one who took care of everything accepting only a little in return. George, my first real love, was the only guy that I've ever dated who wasn't like that....and of course he met his fate with one quick blow. SHAZAAM!! Gone. Since him, I've been the nurturer, I've been the one to take charge, I've also been with people who have presented challenges....and we all know, I'm all about the challenge, I get bored so easily.

Jake is the first guy to have his shit together. My exhusband had his shit together in the respect that he had a job, helped fix stuff around the house, did his family obligations, but I did everything else. We don't need to get into more than that, but there were always issues, same thing with Ted.

This is the first time, in a long time, I can breathe easy and that my friends is very very new to me. I'm not used to it. I'm not used to someone who is so independent and....well grown up. Its really nice and I have to remember that. I can't say that I'm 100% cured or anything, I am after all a wreck and a work in progress. I hope this guy does teach me to let down my guard - I'm anxiety ridden over committment issues, but I'm willing to work through them.

Go me.

And go him.

HOWEVER, (come like I was going to let things end so easily), I am not exclusive.....yet. And this new guy is worth at least meeting. I don't want to play with fire - I've said this before and I don't want to hurt anyone. The new guy knows that I'm "involved" and like he said, just meeting won't hurt nothing.

Isn't that how it all starts? Innocently? We'll see - I'll keep you updated.....because I love you.

+++++++++++++

Another note - has anyone been watching Idol? Good god - I am ALL about The Idol. I fucking love that show and I can't wait for next week. If you love Idol like I do, please email me.

+++++++++++++

Remember this post about meeting this guy? I told you the story and I'm sure everyone got a chuckle or two from it. But I didn't tell you the WHOLE story and I think I'm ready to do so. Its a bit of a doozy, but good god, you guys are going to love it....because its a disaster.

From the post about our date, you know that we had a good time. You know that we did a little kissy kiss in the car after the date. What you don't know is this......when we got to my car (it was raining), he hoped in and we were talking....talking led to lots of kissing. Yes I got felt up, but I kept my hands to myself - for the most part. Then I drove him to his car to kind of break things up a bit because it was getting intense. He then proceeded to ask me if I'd get in his car. Uh no. I was trying to leave but he was a good kisser and of course, we kissed some more. At one point he made a comment about my breasts (like who doesn't??? Duh.) and in true Mer fashion I grabbed them and said, "What these breasts?" - his response - "Oh, don't do that. Antonio likes it when you grab your breasts."

Let's stop right there. Normal women would have seen this as a red flag, but Mer is a little naive and played into it and of course did it again and laughed her little evil laugh. Mooooha ha ha ha ha.

Wrong move.

He made a comment about touching himself and the way he said it and how he said it, had me believing it was a joke. I SWEAR TO GOD, I looked out the window for a split second, next thing I know - his johnson is in his hand.

You can't make this shit up.

"Look at the time. I gotta go." - and I swear I ended it there and said good bye. MY GOD - what is wrong with him!! Better question...what is wrong with me because the story doesn't end there.

Next day Antonio calls me up and apologizes for his behavior. He tells me that we got really "drunk" and I'm "sexy as hell" and he couldn't help it. But he wants to make it up to me and take me to dinner. He asks if I want to meet at his place and I decline stating I'd rather meet at the restaurant. Long story short, dinner is really nice and we have a great time.

With me so far? Antonio proceeds to tell me all about his comedic endeavors and he tells me about this video he's done for promotion. Somehow he coerces me to go back to his place. (you know where this is going already) and I agree. But the mother fucker neglects to tell me that his living room was destroyed by the flooding we had the week before. Television, furniture, ceiling - all gone. Where is the only TV and VCR in his place? You guessed it...his bedroom.

Gut told me to leave, but I'm an asshole so I stayed. I sat on the edge of his bed and watched the movie, but after a little more prodding and assurance that everything is ok, I laid next to him and watched the video. It was in fact pretty fun and we were having a good time.

Then it happens. At the end of the video he starts to kiss me and I'm liking it. We're making out in true make out fashion and I'm feeling like this is all good. No alarms, its just fine at this pace. Right? Wrong. This guy whips its out again with no indication from me. I didn't go near his johnson, I didn't indicate I wanted to see it. Nothing. AND he begins to rub himself.

AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Remember, we're just kissing. In my head I'm like, "Fuck this - I gotta go." Nonchalantly I get out of it and look at the time - past 10, school night - good excuse.

I'm not a school marm and anyone who has read my other website knows that I've got a dirty little mind - I can dish it and take it. But I'm so not into a guy whipping his equipment out after just a few smooches. Not cool.

So there you have it. The true story behind Waterboy. I never spoke to him again because quite frankly he was a creep. I hate the fact that when I finally decided to put myself out there, the first guy I meet on MySpace is someone who took advantage of the fact that I am naive. I know it happens, I'm not a complete idiot, but in retrospect it happened to teach me a lesson. He wound up being only one of four guys that I ever met through MySpace. Thank God.

Laugh all you want at this story, I know, I'm a retard. I don't need lectures. AND of course after relaying this story to my girlfriends, I get ribbed about it often. It is a funny story, but now in retrospect, I get a little scared thinking about the position I put myself in. Never again. Never.

Momentary Lapse

2006-01-18T09:28:00.000-05:00

This is a momentary lapse, I'm sure of it, but I have to write about it because that's the only way I'm able to figure anything out. Don't get your panties in an uproar, I've got a clear head about things, but let me explain.

For whatever reason, I am feeling an overwhelming sense of anxiety about being with Jake. I feel, not necessarily tied down, but I do feel antsy. I"M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING STUPID. Jake is by far a great, wonderful man and I would be an idiot to ever wrong him. That said, my skin feels tingly like I want to rip it off, my thoughts are racing and I'm tending to feel like I have to run.

Not cool.

I was wondering why I feel like this, what the hell could possibly be wrong with me to get this anxiety ridden reflex so fast and early and I've come up with a few suggestions. First off, my zodiac sign (yes very corny), is Aquarius and by nature, Aquarian's don't like to feel trapped or obligated. They tend to hate restriction and embrace freedom.....wow - so me. Second, I had a dream last night and after analzying the elements of the dream, they have me feeling icky this morning. Like the feelings from this dream are still stuck in my head.

If you've read this blog before, you know I have issues with committement. Its not that I don't think I can be faithful - I can. Its not that I don't want to be with someone for the rest of my life, its just that I don't think I could honestly be interested in any one person for that length of time. Or perhaps I can, I just haven't found him yet.

I've voiced these concerns before and I"M NOT TALKING MARRIAGE already. SO NOT DOING THAT. However, you can tell in the first few weeks of dating someone whether or not you could see it traveling that path. I could see it traveling that path if I were willing to settle. If I put my mind to it, I could do it, but already I'm getting antsy. I have to read my gut right?

Example, last time I went to his house I stayed over night. I knew what time I wanted to leave the following day, and once it got to be within a few hours of said hour, I started to get antsy and I couldn't be huggy, touchy, feely with him the way I was all weekend. And sometimes I feel like I'm giving into the "want" of wanting to be in a relationship. God I hope that's not the case. He's so nice and wonderful and a life or even a long time with him would be nothing but him treating me well and taking care of me.

Am I too afraid of a good thing? He doesn't give me butterflies that others have given me, but at the same time, I'm immediately comfortable with him. Something is missing.

Shit - I'm analyzing. - Its got to be the dream I had that is making me feel this way because I swear, yesterday I didn't feel like this.

In a way I know that this relationship isn't going to go the distance, but in the last month (yes, I've been dating him a month today), he's grown on me and I didn't want to analyze anything because to be truthful, there wasn't anything to analyze. Nothing to pick apart and find wrong. He's sweet, he's kind, he's truthful, no games, he's always hugging and kissing me, he even sleeps with one hand on me at all times. Its lovely. Maybe that's why I'm panicking because there is nothing wrong and I'm feeling trapped.

God I suck.

Sigh......

I scratch my head and I look at the screen thinking to myself that life is easier when I don't think, but my gut, my nagging gut is doing a 60/40 split right now. 60% says it ain't going to work and the other 40% is screaming and fighting to make it work. Its confusing.

And if it wasn't confusing enough - there is another spice to throw into the mix. What I've neglected to say before, because it wasn't important, is this, there is a potential someone else. Don't worry, don't worry - we ONLY talk. He does want to chill and I've been 100% honest with this other guy and he knows about Jake. I don't want to fuck up a good thing and I don't want to play with fire. We just talk.

Now this is where smart Mer steps in. I'm not going to let it bother me. I'm going to continue being happy with Jake and enjoy my time with him. I like him, there is nothing to NOT not like about him. He's great and I'd be an idiot to intentionally fuck up a good thing. That said, Jake and I are missing "something" - not sure what it is, but I won't let the nag get to me. When it dawns on me, whether it be tomorrow or 6 years from now, I'll deal with it.

Curiosity is definitely rearing its ugly face around the corner telling me that I should hang with this other guy at least once. I'm going to hold off on that for now which is most likely best (See? Smart Mer). I am not "going steady" with Jake, but I do respect him enough to not fuck around, plus that's not how I roll. I've been brutally honest with him this whole time. I've even gone far enough to tell him that marriage and kids might never be part of my forecast.....and he's handled it all with style.

I can't help but give him major props. He must really really like me to let me spew my jargon on him and still want to be with me. In a way its sad and in a way its endearing. I'm not a bitch and I'll never use that to my advantage. I can't. My mother brought me up better - good ol' Italian guilt works wonders.

Lovely

2006-01-16T13:33:00.000-05:00

This my friend could be the start of a beautiful relationship. I don't know how else to begin other than tell you that Jake is really growing on me and I think I might be able to get used to him being around for a long time.

This my friends is big news.

I'm extremely reluctant to say things like that. I'm very wary of any man permeating my defense lines, but at the same time, how can I not? He is unquestionably the nicest guy I've dated WITHOUT being a complete dud or an utter dweeb. He's a manly man with nice big hands and a heart to match. He respects me, he treats me well, he's cute, he's funny, he makes good money and he has manners. His favorite quote, "Its all about Mer." He's tells me things like that all the time - without it sounding creepy. Bonus. He also treats me like a princess without having to shower me with gifts - I am for him a found treasure.

How can you turn that away? How can I not find his behavior endearing?

I was extremely honest with him last weekend and I told him point blank that I did not know what I was capable of or where this could all lead and he could not have handled the whole situation any better. Without having to explain myself and be the ditzy broad we all know I can be, he gets me. He knows my space without me telling him to back off. I like it.

I like it a lot.

I find that I don't have to justify myself at all because he has no expectations and is only thankful for what little time we do spend together. Its all new and fresh and we enjoy one another. Its very nice - but at the same time unnerving.

But why Meredith? Why would it be unnerving?

Because so many other times I've gotten my hopes up and I've even gone far enough to try and talk myself into something that wasn't. This time around I don't feel that way and I like it. Yes I still have my stupid ass little voice saying things in the back of my mind, but for now she's hushed up and given Big Mer a chance to be happy.

Its lovely, just like the name he calls me. Yes, my nickname is Lovely. It was B (B is the first initial of my very Italian last name), but after this weekend he's come to call me Lovely. I like it because its original.

And he passed the true test, my sister and mother love him. I know this because they aren't ramming their ideas into my head. They left well enough alone - the only comment I got from my sister was, "Keep him. He's normal." So I guess its two thumbs up for Jake.

Yay. About time right?

Let's hope things continue to go well and continue on the up and up because he makes me feel like I'm 16 again. I feel like a gitty school girl when I'm around him. So not me. SOOOOOO not me. I can't get over it and I continue to not analyze it - wow, that in itself is a HUGE deal. Right? I mean for those of you who have been reading this drivel for awhile know that I find something wrong with everything - and sure he's got faults, but they aren't big ones. I hope he stays perfect in my mind's eye. Wait, perhaps I should pray I stay perfect in his!!!

Get to Know Your Friends Part II

2006-01-13T10:32:00.000-05:00

Another Get to Know your Friends Blog: (Totally bit this off Stephanie)

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:20 a.m. - URGH!!! And that's only because I actually didn't go out last night - mark the date.

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds ARE a girls best friend no?

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Should have been "Rumor Had It" but Jake and I were too busy making out to actually watch it. He owes me another movie.

4. What is your favorite TV show? My Name is Earl - BEST SHOW EVER

5. What did you have for breakfast? Grande Mocha Latte

6. What is your middle name? Nicole

7. What is your favorite food? Seafood - Lobster/shrimp/clams...its all good

8. What foods do you dislike? nothing pickled or too smelly

9. Your favorite Potato chip? VERY tough question because I am a recovering pot head and those were my favorite. Sour Cream and Onion, Funions, Pringles - too hard.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? I have no idea.

11. What kind of car do you drive? Nissan 350Z

Where are 12 and 13?

14 Favorite drink? liquor

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Italy to visit my family home.

16.What color is your bathroom? Blue and white done in beach style

17. Favorite brand of clothing? Anne Klein, Jones of New York

18.Where would you retire? By the beach or a lake

19 Favorite time of day? Anytime I'm not at work

21. Favorite sport to watch? toss up - Football and hockey.

22. Who do you least expect to send this back? Bush

23. Person you expect to send it back first? Cheryl

24. What laundry detergent do you use? Tide - gets out blood and I'm thug life

25. Coke or Pepsi? Coca a Cola all the way

26. Are you a morning person or night owl? I'm an all day person

27. What size shoe do you wear? 8 or 8.5

28. Do you have pets? DUKE!!! and Cassie

29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your friends? I've met someone who I think has the potential to make me happy.

30. What (who) did you want to be when you were little? Shirley Temple

31. Favorite Candy Bar? Caramello

33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? Paper Boy/girl, Lifeguard, cashier, deli worker, intern, medical assistant, secretary, IRB coordinator, administrative assistant, executive secretary

34. Favorite season? Summer - love me the sun

35. Nicknames you've had? Mer, Merry, Dollface, Tiger, Nicky, B

36. Piercings: ears

37. Eye color: Shit Brown

38. Ever been to Africa? No, but I would LOVE to go

39. Ever been toilet papering? No, unfortunately - thought about it though....

40. Love someone so much it made you cry? Every day I was with Tom was a struggle

41. Been in a car accident? not with me driving

42. What's a question no one has ever asked you? Are you genuinely happy

43. Favorite day of the week? Friday because the weekend is my oyster

44. Favorite restaurant? La Primavera on 81st and 2nd

45. Favorite flower? Gardenia's

46. Favorite ice cream? Oh god - got time because it all depends. This is a loaded question. Soft ice cream - Dairy Queen hands down. Hard - Baskin Robbins and it all depends on the mood on what type I get.

47. Disney or Warner Brothers? DISNEY!!!!

48. Favorite fast food restaurant? Mickey D's

49. What color is your bedroom carpet? Rose

50. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Zero, zippo, zilch

51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Nicole - can't believe it wasn't Cheryl. Go figure?

52. Which store would you choose to Max out your Credit Card? LOADED QUESTION. Um, Tiffany's - definitely - and I have the credit to get some serious bling bling!!!!

53. What do you do most often when you are bored? Eat, exercise or call friends and harrass them.

54. Bedtime: Weekdays 10 - weekends - who sleeps?

56. Last person you went to dinner with? Jake - aww....

57. Ford or Chevy? Ford. Chevy blows monkey dick

58. What are you listening to right now? Jack radio

59. What is your favorite color? Red or yellow

60. Lake, Ocean or River? Ocean

61. How many tattoos do you have? I'm as bare as the day I was born.

62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Chicken

63. How many people are you sending this email to?The world

64. Favorite Cocktail? Cosmo

65. Red or White wine? Red - Chianti

66. Where would you go for a girls or boys weekend get-a-way? Nudist camp......

67. What do you want to be? and entertainer

68. Republican or Democrat? N/A

69. Favorite Family Vacation? Montauk, Long Island

The True Test of Like

2006-01-11T07:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was in a god awful mood, truth be told, I'm still in a funk. I know I'll get out of it, its got to do with my monthly coming next week (female readers understand, male readers just cringed). I get like this, my mood swings back and forth, to and from, in and out of good and bad. It has no effect on those around me, because I'm genuinely a happy person, but inwardly - I want to jump off a bridge due to frustration. You guys know this because I talk to you more than I talk to my mother and best friends - you guys know my trials and tribulations - the stupid hardships I put on myself - but no one else does. Not the deep stuff anyway.

That's kind of sad right?

Anyway, yesterday I was very upset with my friend and I'm still very upset. Something dawned on me that has me feeling a little down and reconsidering how much I really want to hang with her. This could be COMPLETE coincidence, but its not the first time this has happened. See, she dates more than one guy at a time - kind of trying them all on like shoes. She tests them out, tries them on, takes a little walk, wears them down and then somehow, they disappear.....on their own, but I digress.

There she is, dating like 3 guys and talking to another - all at once, meanwhile, I'm just bustling along doing my own thing when low and behold I meet Jake. I like Jake. He likes me. We go on a few dates, we talk every night - everything is moving along like clockwork and Mer is finally content to date. Someone has finally broken through to the other side. (collective sigh of relief). He might not be my ideal, but he makes me happy, he treats me well and he's most definitely worth the try.

After saying that, all of sudden, she has someone that she's doing all this cutsey stuff with as well. Now I don't know if this is pure coincidence, but she's just THAT insecure to follow suit and start a relationship at the same time so she is not left out. Gotta remember, she has a few men to choose from, although the three she was "dating" (I use that term loosely), all of a sudden all stop pursuing her and she has this new guy she's only been "talking" to. (GOD I FEEL LIKE HIGH SCHOOL), and immediately she wants to meet him. It becomes this big ordeal and now, she's in a relationship with him - in one week. Uh, yeh.

Anywho, I'm happy I finally have someone to be happy about - finally someone to do relationship stuff with, someone to look forward to seeing - someone to be giddy about. Normally your friends are happy for you. Normally when you tell them about your new guy, they ask questions, they want to hear more, they are genuinely happy for you. Can I tell you that on Saturday night after spending 24+ hours with Jake, she never - I mean NEVER once asked me how he was, how my time spent with him was or anything. NOTHING.

Now in the last few days I got very excited about him coming to visit me for a change. I was thrilled to show him around, take him to a restaurant by me, you know, bring him into my world. Let him experience my life. I stuck my foot in my mouth by telling her he was coming and that we should get Samantha and Nicole to come out as well. Because now - its all about her bringing her guy out and showing him off as well.

CHILDISH - I KNOW!!!!!

I shouldn't let it bother me as much as it is - but for once in a very very long time I'm excited about something and here she is - stealing my thunder. Perhaps not on purpose, but for once, I'd like to have something of my own. I want it about me and Jake, not about her. Why would any of us think it was special to meet her new guy when she goes through men like Kleenex? I'm so tempted to cancel the whole thing and just make it a night between myself and Jake. I'm SO tempted....but I've involved Samantha and her man, I don't want to do that to Samantha. Plus I want Samantha to hang out with Jake and experience him as well. I want everyone to feel happy about Jake like I do.

Jake is slated to come by on Saturday at some point and then that evening him and myself will be going to dinner and then to meet up with everyone later on. And guess what - her plans are the same now too. What is that? Her guy lives a little far and guess what? He's coming to her place, picking her up, taking her to dinner and then - gasp - they are meeting up with everyone later on as well. Shocker right? I've had to listen to her yammer on about it and I can't do it. I just can't.

GOD I'M CRANKY TODAY!!!

I'll get over it. I know I will. At first I thought it was just a consiperacy theory of mine, but the more I write, the more I believe. I need to speak to Samantha about this because if she agrees, then I know I'm right and not going crazy making up absurd stories. Sammy has known her since high school - she's the expert.

Last night though, when Jake called me I was really worried about my bad mood. I was worried that I might come off cranky on the phone and snap a little. But you know what? When he called me, I smiled and I couldn't help but laugh and kid around with him. I couldn't be in a bad mood if I tried. Add to the fact that he let me talk about it like an objective friend and not someone who is just smitten with me was a definite bonus. He's a good egg. I guess that's one of the true tests of like....he made me smile despite a crappy mood and he was there for me even though it was stupid and insignificant.

P.S. - he called me as I was retouching this post......damn he's got a sexy voice!!!!!! I can't wait to jump on his head Saturday. Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Tough Love

2006-01-10T11:24:00.000-05:00

God help me, I’m gonna killer her…..swear. She is one of my closest friends and I truly cherish her friendship, but sometimes, especially lately, I’m beginning to question her as a friend.

Let’s start off by stating what I consider to be a friend. A friend is someone to talk to, laugh with, spend time with. Someone who is there through thick and thin for just about every situation, they are the person who you can turn to who will always have your back and even if and when you are wrong, they will still side with you just to make you feel better. They tell you things that you don’t want to hear, but they also do it in a way that won’t hurt your feelings. They are…your friend.

So far so good – she meets the basic criteria - perhaps sometimes she colors outside those lines, but basically she hits the mark.

Where she tends to falter is this….she the most self centered, insecure, conceited, know it all I have ever met. Worst part? She knows ALL of this to be true. She honestly believes it is all about her. The world revolves around her and anything that happens to her.

She hasn’t always been this bad, at least not to this extent or perhaps it never got on my last nerve like it does now. There is a group of us that hangs out – and every single one of us feels this way about her.

So why not tell her Mer? Why not do something about it?

We all have. In one way or another we have all tried to talk to her about this. We have all tried to tell her that she is out of control….not only with the men she sleeps with, but also with how she treats us all.

Nicole lost it on her last week, Samantha went off as well a few weeks prior. I guess its my turn….but that’s not how I roll. I will not allow my anger to get the best of me when it comes to a friend, however, I do try at every opportunity to make her see what the frig is going on….but she chooses to ignore it.

I suppose I should give you examples of her behavior? Well, she is dating a few men, ok ok, more like half the nation, but I digress. She is not a lady when it comes to this type of stuff and we all try to give her advice, but she won’t listen. In the last 6 months, she’s almost had as many partners as I’ve had in my lifetime. Not a joke and so not cool. Each one of us have tried to tell her that although she has no commitments to anyone, its still not a good thing to sleep with so many men. But in her fucked up mind she rationalizes her decisions with the most absurd excuses – I guess its so she can sleep at night.

As a result of being with so many men, she’ll also throw us friends by the wayside. A direct quote to our friend Nicole, “Well if D. doesn’t want to see me Friday night, I can hang out with you.” – this is after making confirmed plans to hang out with Nicole. Another direct quote to Christine, “I have many options to hang out, but you are my favorite option right now, so I’ll come over.”

Who says these types of things?

I’m not talking about one or two small things that gets on my nerves, Nicole’s nerves, Samantha, Bob, Matt, Matty, Tom, et al….its come to a point where we all cringe and this is not good. Not good at all.

She could be the most kick ass friend, but she won’t because she is too self absorbed. If she could ever put other people before herself, then life would easier with her. I really really cannot remember a time once in the time I’ve known her where she has put someone else ahead of her. She doesn’t even let you walk through the DOOR first! I’m NOT joking.

Nicole and I have decided to sit her down and talk to her about this. I mean what I’ve written here is literally the tip of the iceberg, this is a small fraction of what is going on here, but we have to do something before each one of us slowly but surely lingers out of her life. Before she gets so awful that one of us snaps on her and loses it so fiercely that she is left in a puddle of her own tears….because if I snap, it will not be pretty.

Nicole and I want to talk to her, we want her understand that at our age, you don’t treat the few friends you have like this. Its ok every once in awhile to lose your head and do something stupid, we all do, but to treat us like complete ass is not nice, its not right and we don’t do it to her.

I’ve never written about how much she upsets me because of my loyalties as a friend, but enough is enough. You can only take it for so long. Perhaps sitting her down two against one isn’t the way to go and perhaps I should do it on my own because then I know I’ll feel better.

Its so awful though. I don’t like to gossip about good friends, that’s not me. Jesus, it makes me feel like I’m in high school and that’s how Nicole and Samantha feel as well and we don’t like it.

Enough venting about this….its sooooo childish it makes me vomit in my mouth a little.

Tagged

2006-01-10T08:25:00.000-05:00

Finally, yes, finally I am answering these questions from way way back when Matt Lauer tagged me.

Weapons of Choice:
My smile and my bodacious ta ta's.

Relative Psychosis:
Complete asshole

How Hard It Can Be:
Sometimes it can be really really hard, other times, flacid

So What’s Next?
The new bo meets the parents....tune in Monday for a detailed account. Da da dum dum dddduuuummmmmm

Name That Tune In:
I Lost in Jeopardy...baby....ooooooo a oooooooooo

I'd like to tag anyone who reads this. Just answer the questions.

And last but not least, Happy Birthday Daddy!!!!!!!! 61 years of bringing us all corny but funny jokes. Nice.

Weekend Recap

2006-01-09T07:54:00.000-05:00

This was by far one of the best weekends I have had in a very long time. Now I know that I have some kick ass weekends, I know that some of these weekends are a myriad of painting the town red, purple, green and orange, but this one was great on so many different levels.

A sigh of relief.....

Friday evening I headed up to Jake's place for a very nice dinner and then to a martini bar afterward. And good lord I got so drunk so fast. This is what I had all night to drink; One beer at his apartment (Heiniken), one cosmopolitan at dinner. Then one cosmopolitan at the martini bar and one French martini. I have no idea what was in those drinks just shy of jet fuel, because after the second one at the bar, I was flying so high. The worst part of it all is that I knew it was going to happen. After starting my second drink I called it, I said it to him that if I finished the second one, I'd be a goner. Sure enough, I was blasted - not incoherent fucked up drunk, but enough where I was very loose with the tongue telling him things I wouldn't normally say. Apparently I gave him a chuckle or two....but I don't remember everything I said so its got me a little worried. He told me that I didn't say anything bad, but still, it makes me uneasy. However, I'm not all that worried.

PLUS - this is a big bonus. I can drink around him. Remember, my last relationship I couldn't do that. Fights were inevitable when any liquor was around. And I LOVE making out with him. I can kiss that kid for hours....and he's the same way. Yes, we are "that" couple. PDA's are all over the place. Not inappropriate though, just lots of PDA's. (YAY! GO MER!!)

The time I spent with him was really good though. I really do like him. I want to keep seeing him and I look forward to doing things with him. But (there is always a "But") - the distance between us is going to be very hard. Not so hard that we couldn't work it out, but hard enough that it might wear thin should things go astray. Second, he gets so amped up and excited that he is constantly cutting me off when I'm talking and it is something that I see I could and will snap at him about. I don't have a temper....anymore, however, it gets on my last nerve. I make jokes about it now, but I know that one day something will FLY RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH. I concsiously try to bite my tongue, but its gonna happen. And lastly - he talks during movies. BIG PET PEEVE of mine. I get REALLY REALLY into movies when I watch them and when you can't contain yourself, I get pissed. - Of course none of these things are MAJOR things to worry about....which is nice for a change. Very nice.

Verdict: two thumbs up.

Saturday we ran errands together during the day and watched a movie. Unfortunately I had to cut the day short at about 5:30 and head back home. I had plans with Trixie to meet one of her new bo's in the city at a place called Vudo Lounge. I was apprehensive, but I was also very very tired and hung over....think that would have taught me right? Nope. The second I walked into the club, the music was fabulous. No joke, Hip Hop, R&B and a little little bit of salsa. Good enough for me. I haven't danced that much since we went to Crobar this summer. Seriously, my legs are still hurting. And I got drunk of course. Who would have thunk it right? Actually I don't know what it was this weekend, but I got so drunk so fast all weekend - it was awful and yet strangely awesome.

Sunday - well since I didn't go to bed until 5:30 a.m., I'd have to say that Sunday had the potential to be a nightmare. I was going to see The Producers on Broadway with the whole family....a LOT of potential to be a disaster. Cranky Mer is never a good thing so the levels of annoyance were set at high before the day even started. But guess what? I had such a nice time with Jake and Trixie, that I was still flying on cloud nine when it came time to be with the family. It wasn't until about 7:00 last night that I started to crash. But I called Jake, he put a smile on my face and all was good with the world once again.

Its nice to have something positive to say. Its lovely to have something to look forward to. Jake might not be my ideal, but he's a good soul and he'll always take good care of me in mind, body and soul. So far, so good. I don't have an urge to analyze, I simply look forward to seeing him again this weekend.

YAY!!!!!!

Coming Clean

2006-01-06T14:36:00.000-05:00

Happy Friday ya all!!!

In the past few days, nothing of particular interest has happened. I've spoken with Jake everyday, like clockwork, had my hair done (looks sexy as hell), and went to dinner with Samantha last night. No wild parties, no heavy drinking, just me and my girl.

Tonight I'm heading up to Jake's place for dinner and perhaps a drink and/or a movie. Not sure yet, we'll just see where the night takes us. I'm not looking forward to the hour long drive to get there though. That's another downfall - the drive. If we are to meet up, its got to be in the middle or I have to drive out to see him. Remember, I recently moved back home to moms and pops so that's a no go.

Either way, I'm actually looking forward to it. I know what I said in the beginning of the week, but the best way to describe the way I feel is this, that special magic is missing. Perhaps its because I've been lucky enough to feel it in the past that I'm waiting for those sparks that have me craving more....perhaps. Or maybe its because there is no challenge. He's serving it up a little too easy and I like a challenge....you know this.

Its all good though. I plan on talking to him tonight about backing off just a little bit. Its a little uncomfortable how fast he has these really strong feelings, but I totally understand. Completely. I didn't mean to come off as a cold bitch that was throwing him aside aleady. No, not at all. I do like him, he's a great person inside and out and I enjoy my time with him. If I'm on the phone with him I'm happy, if I'm in his presence I'm happy so its all good.

I will however make this one promise, I will NOT lead him on, I will be honest and straightforward and as soon as I understand what I want, he'll be first to know.

That's a lie. We all know I'll tell you first because I'll have to figure it all out and then approach him, but he'll be the first one I speak to about it - like verbally.

Another lie.

I'll tell Trixie first, she'll approve the speech and then I'll talk to him.

But that's it. Pinky promise.

I'll let you all know how it goes....have a great weekend and rock on.

Shoot Me Now

2006-01-04T09:10:00.000-05:00

My diary.

My issues.

My problems.

My happiness.

My success.

My failures

Writing out what I'm going through at this particular moment in time is never easy. I write in the moment - every day. I never think about what I am going to write until the second I sit down. Perhaps that's my downfall. Maybe I should start to think about what I write before I sit here at my computer and blab about absolute nonsense. Perhaps. Maybe. But that means preparation, that means planning and lately, I can't get into it enough. I can't seem to get into anything.

For months I've sat at this computer and discussed what an asshole Ted was. I told you about people I've dated in the past, present and even what I would like in the future. I've told you about my goals and my aspirations, I've even tried to fool myself into believing things that are simply not true about me. I try to motivate myself by putting everything out there into cyberspace telling myself that if I write about this or that, it might actually happen all because I said so.

I know I am a silly girl, I've written about it here. I know I am profoundly fucked up....but here's the catch - I'm still a good person. Nothing I do or say is intentionally mean spirited. I want to be happy, but I don't know exactly what makes me happy. I feel incomplete because of this. I feel broken - I still don't know who I am and what my convictions are.....is it because I just don't give a shit? Am I selfish deep down and I don't care? Am I really THAT committment phobic that I can't even committ to a single thought or idea?

Think about it for a second. I'm not a republican or a democrat. My parents raised me Presbyterian, yet I don't practice, nor do I care to. I'm good at every sport I try, yet I don't play anything consistently. I go to the gym, but I can't seem to go every day like I should. More like I go for a few weeks, take a few weeks off, and then start up again. In addition, I find interest in just about everything, yet nothing captivates me. Same with men, they are all ok, but no one is like "it" for me.

Too hard on myself? Yeh - ya think? I know we all go through it - but why is it so easy for some people to buckle down and excel? Why can't I be wired like that? I know I can excel at anything, yet I'm too busy being content with contentness. I'm honestly sick of complaining about it. This site is for me to air out my demons, let it ride, but at the same time, try to figure it all out. Figure out what the hell will make me happy.

We have all at one time or another felt like running away. Sometimes I feel that the only way to change, is to dump it all and start fresh. I'm SO like that. If I'm going to clean out my closet, I rip it apart and rebuild it. My filing cabinet at work, same thing. Rip apart, re-build. I can easily rip apart, but can I let go? Can I move on and rebuild? Should I drop friends and become a hermit to help overcome? Should I rip off my clothes and go streaking? I have no idea.

Sometimes I feel that if I didn't have the friends, the family, the men, that I would just pick up and go. But my family and friends would miss me.....but when do I stop thinking about them and think about me? And do I have the balls to do such a thing? Absolutely not. I like to tell myself that I do, but really, I lack that confidence.

Ooooo confidence. Another can of worms....nah - I have confidence in myself...to an extent. You know what? I think I need a shrink. Yep that's the ticket. Shrink it up.

But

2006-01-03T10:45:00.000-05:00

I am fundamentally fucked up. I complain day in and day out to meet a nice, good guy - I've found him. He's good looking, he's sweet, he makes good money, he completely and totally adores yours truly.....yet I'm like "eh".

Profoundly fucked in the head and thoroughly cursed. No other way to describe it.

I know I've only had a few dates with him and they were wonderful dates, but they don't have me jumping up and down, running around screaming to the world that I have found 'him.' I'm seriously contemplating the fact that its me.

I hate to say it but he's a little rough around the edges, not a slob by any means, he's actually very neat and he has manners. But I'm a little more refined than him (DON"T LAUGH) - seriously, its like Catherine Zeta Jones chilling with P. Diddy. Diddy is certainly worthly of her presence, yet she's regal and he's street. I know this is an extreme example, but it best describe what I'm talking about. He's a little goofy and sometimes he talks a lot - I think its nerves...like he's sooooo happy to be around me that he gets fired up. Its endearing and its sweet, but its going to get old....fast. However, he comes from the same background as myself and we talk about a ton of stuff......but something, not sure what, but something is holding me back.

Another thing, he has noooooo problems telling me how he feels about me....compliments are directed toward me non stop and he looks at me...gulp....lovingly. I've caught him giving me "that" look - like I'm the buried treasure he's been searching for. Yet I don't feel that way about him. These are huge warning flares for me, yet I have no good reason to NOT continue seeing him. Its nice. URGH - nice!!!!!

I'm not so stupid to realize that I've found someone who will no doubt treat me extremely well, who will do anything to make me happy and do it with a smile. But do I want someone kissing my ass? No, I don't. That's too easy. I don't want a challenge, hell no, I don't need any more projects, however, he's serving it up on a silver platter. Its a little too easy. Does that make sense? If I'm the type of person who gets bored easily and I'm constantly looking to fuel my mind, then how will he ever last? I like him enough to want him to last, but I don't think its my place to tell him how to act....I'm not in the business of changing people.

Perhaps I should tell him the truth...that he is in fact making it too easy for me. He shouldn't kiss my ass and agree with everything I say....no seriously, I don't know if we are just that compatible, or if he agrees with me just to agree with me. Not sure and only time will really reveal something like that.

So here I am, in another perdicament. I do like him....for the fact that there are no games and its easy to be around him....and he's a good kisser. And I keep thinking to myself that at some point I need to grow and find someone who will treat me well, who will give me a grown up relationship and not pull the bullshit a lot of people tend to pull. I don't think he will ever be that kind of guy - he's not made like that - you know, he was born from the cookie cutter asshole mold. However, I think I need to tell him a few things about me that he should know before we could ever think about getting serious.

First, I am in fact committment phobic. I want a monogamous relationship, however, I'm not sure if I can committ to forever. I don't think there is anyone on this earth that could ever make me happy forever and ever. And second, I already know he wants kids....me? I'm on the fence - as you already know. These are HUGE big things and its not something to think about right at this particular point in time, but what if we continue to move forward and he becomes the ideal man for me......shouldn't he know my reservations now before he falls in love? (although I think he already has - and that is NOT me being all conceited, its a truth....you can see it).

I like him. I like him a lot, but.....well there is a but. That's what has me thinking its me. Then again, why would he still be single? Ok, see, now you know there is an issue - because I'm analyzing. Before there was no analysis of him, now there is.

Finding Mer. This shit has NOT been easy. Its getting easier, but its not there yet.

Sigh.

New Year's - YAY!!! Another Reason to Booze!!!

2005-12-29T10:24:00.000-05:00

2005.

Was it a good year for you? If you looked back at everything that happened this year, could you say that it was for the most part a good one? I'm kind of torn because it began on an awful awful note, but as the year wore on and I lost 195 lbs of dumb ass (Ted), I'd have to say it ended rather well because now I'm not making the stupid decisions for love, or what I thought to be love. I'm making decisions that I like, I'm the person who I should be and I'll only continue to be that person. Stupidity is not in my vocabulary anymore.

This year will be the first year since I was 15 that I am single and ringing in the new year alone. Well kind of. I'm sort of caught between a rock and a hard place. See Trixie and I said we would spend it together, however, no plans have been set. We thought we'd head into the city but we can't decide on a place and plus, it will only be the two of us. Fine by me, but I'd rather be with a lot of people. Second, Jake would like to spend it with me. Although it would be incredibly romantic I'm sure, I'm not sure if I want to celebrate it with someone who I've only just met. Its kind of an odd way to spend New Year's Eve - well maybe not odd, but there is something about it that has me feeling a little cautious. I don't want him reading into it as a "special" thing and then WHOMP!! We break up. Does that make sense?

Before in a relationship I would want to see the guy nonstop. I would take this opportunity and make it something it wasn't. I would read deeply into it and now, after all that I've been through, I have my reservations. Perhaps it is better that I don't see him, you know, not dive into it and it become too intense too fast. Plus in all the hoopla of New Year's Eve, I will most definitely wind up sleeping with him.....(and that's bad why)? Ok, so there we have it. While writing this post I've made up my mind. No Jake on NYE.

However, if I don't see him Saturday night, I will be seeing him pretty early in the afternoon on Sunday - right after I have my liver transplant, I should be good to go. I think he's going to take me to dinner, not sure....I guess we'll see.

For all my reservations, I'm really looking forward to seeing him this weekend. Did I tell you that when he kisses me its like he's kissing me for the first and last time ever? He cherishes each kiss, just like I do. Physically, we are extremely compatible - OH NO - now I'm getting all hot and bothered thinking about him. Is it hot in here? I need a fan? Where's the air conditioning?

Breathe in. Out. Aaaahhhhh, better.

I have no idea what it is about this guy that has me all hot for his ass, he has been nothing but respectful following my lead, which is a nice change - although dear god, if he keeps kissing me like he does, I'm so going to rape him. Thinking about those wondeful hands - they can almost grab all of my.....

Uh yeh, I have to go now.

Tonight begins a weekend long booze fest starting with Girls Night Out tonight at the 101. Tomorrow night I will be chilling with my favorite cover band - Urban Trip and I have it on good authority that I will be performing as well. Nice. Saturday is obviously New Year's and Sunday is my date with the man. OH BOY!!!!

So big huge gigantic Smooches to all of you. Have a wonderful, safe and abso-fucking-lutely great New Year's!!! God bless.

Mer

Email to Trixie

2005-12-27T12:38:00.000-05:00

Email to Trixie about Jake:

Ok, so he is 6’0", 195 lbs of pure muscular wonderfulness. I mean like WOW. No joke, we’re in the car talking and we start smooching and making out and then I’m hugging him and my hand starts to meander down his side and then down to his waist where I find the lever for the chair. Whoops, down goes Jake. So now I’m still in my seat and he grabs under my arms and LIFTS me up and slides me over to his side of the car. Um…..uh….yeh. That was hot. I thought me reclining the chair was hot – nope, he up stages me and does that.

I am telling you, this is kid is sensual. I mean I turned to him at one point because every chance he could take to hug or kiss me or show my any affection, he did. It wasn’t over kill either. So anyway, I look at him and I say, "You’re going to cherish me aren’t you?" and he said, "Every chance I get…..seriously, where have you been my whole life." So I told him, "Good things come to those who wait."

BUT let’s get back to making out….we’re in the car and I’m basically laying on top of him and we’re kissing and he’s kind of tugging on my hair and I notice he always keeps his eyes closed, so I coo softly to him, "look at me" – GOOD GOD – TALKING ABOUT OPENING THE FLOOD GATES. That got him so hot. I’m giggling right now thinking about it.

I needed that make out fest. He told me that if I were to come up by his place he wouldn’t take advantage of me. If I had to stay there the night for whatever reason, he wouldn’t try anything…..I was like, "Yeh, but I can’t promise the same."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – who is this person and what has she done with Meredith?

Remember Those Days?

2005-12-27T07:10:00.000-05:00

We were "that" couple, snuggled up nice and cozy in the restaurant booth, kissing, touching, hugging, forgetting the world around us. No hussle and bussle of the waiter or other patrons could have pulled our attention away from one another. Wrapping our thoughts and actions around us like a warm familiar blanket.

We've spent hours on end talking on the phone, laughing at stories, getting to know each other's minds and boundries, picking the other's brain for past experiences good and bad. Calculating the parts of our common interests, ideas and goals to see if they meshed well. We fed each other, we giggled at our silliness, we acted like 16 year old teens who had just found puberty. And I cannot and will not apologize for that behavior whether it was walking hand in hand while nuzzling my face into his coat or kissing on the escalator (or in the car, or in the bar, or in the movie but that's another story).

Wait a minute.

Who's blog is this anyway? This is Mer we're talking about here. I can't be writing about birds chirping and people singing? You come here for details and details you shall get dammit.

Let's get started. (knuckles cracking)

I knew the night was going to be a good one even before it started. I wasn't nervous, I was excited....excited because I had spent approximately 8 hours on the phone with him in the last week. We had really gotten to know one another and it felt good and it felt comfortable so I couldn't wait to get my hands on him, I mean see him. (Sheesh, where did that come from?).

We chose a mutual spot to meet and he shows up with a rose. Cheesy? Not the way he did it, it was clearly sincere and not "a move." We grabbed a drink and relaxed and enjoyed one another. We laughed a lot, we got excited a lot and then we made out.....a lot. GOOD GOD my lips hurt from kissing him so much. Fucking kid can kiss so sensually.....yep, head jumping material. We kissed a little in the bar, we definitely kissed all through dinner and then the movie....um yeh........what movie? I know we were in the theater, I know people were eating popcorn and I vaguely remember Jennifer Aniston on the screen, but movie? Yeh....nope. He couldn't get enough of me and the feeling was definitely mutual. It was ridiculous - it was good ol' fashioned making out. Nothing crazy, just lots and lots of making out.

Alright, so I might have grabbed something I shouldn't have, but come on, I got to check out the family jewels right? You don't buy a car without test driving it first no?

Sigh.

The car.

Deeper sigh.

He's 6'0", 195 lbs of pure muscular wonderfulness...my mind wanders as I try to formulate this into a coherent thought for you.

Um....where was I? Oh - We're in the car and he goes to kiss me good bye and one kiss turns into another and before you know it, passionate kissing ensues, his hands are in my hair, my hands are on the back of his neck, my right hand moves down his neck, lower to his chest (OH THOSE PECKS!!!), where were we? Oh right - down his chest, to his waist, onto the cushion, I find the side of the chair, my fingers hook the recliner lever and WHOOPS, down goes Jake. My bad.....oh The Cat was ever present. I'm leaning over the middle console and we're making out, but not sloppy make out, NO, it was so sensual like he was kissing me for the first and last time ever. I try to readjust and he lifts me - that's right, lifts me from a laying down position and puts me ontop of him....I was stunned and extremely impressed because it required little, if no effort for him. Like, wow.

And you know what - that's all it was, lots of talking and kissing....a little groping, but nothing raunchy or over the top. We kept the really racey stuff to a minimum telling ourselves that good things come to those who wait....and he's definitely willing to wait, problem is, I'm not sure how long I can. Whoop! OH BOY!!!!

Oh Jake....I'm so going to jump on your head.

What has completely tickled my fancy about the whole thing is the innocence of it all. Do you remember those days when it was all innocent? When it was ok to just like someone for who they were? To allow yourself to have a crush on the opposite sex with no worries about "playing the game" correctly. Do you remember what it was like to just kiss someone? Do you remember what it was like to enjoy their lips and their sexiness for what it was? Because I've forgotten. I've forgotten what it is like to just make out with a guy and be completely enraptured by them. I had forgotten what it was like for someone to want to cherish me for all my wonderful glory...for my mind, my body and my soul....because he likes all three and he enjoys me. He wants to know where I've been all his life. Strong words for today's day and age no? But I'll take it and I won't analyze it...I don't feel the need nor the urge TO analyze it. No analyzation going on over here. Nope. Do you remember those days?????

Merry Christmas!!!

2005-12-23T12:21:00.000-05:00

Fuck those who are bitching this year and using the politically correct terms - fuck you all. Its CHRISTMAS!!!! I raise each hand and give you the bird, I thumb my nose at you all. I say Merry Christmas to each and every person I encounter because you know what???? I'm wishing you well. I'm wishing you good tidings, I'm wishing you happiness and if I use the term Christmas - so be it. Damn me to hell for saying it, but that's my perogative and its only words people. Only words.

I can't believe how huffy puffy people get. Screw you. I was brought up in an era where everyone said it, now all of a sudden I have to change my ways??? Its not like I'm using a racial slur or anything. Geez people, get a life.

Anywho - this is my first Christmas since I am 14 that I will not be spending it with a significant other.....its ok, hold your tears. I will be able to devote myself and all my attentions to my family and not have to share my time with any family other than my own and you know what? I'm so happy about it. I'll finally know how Christmas Eve ends at my Aunt Margot's house instead of hearing stories the next morning. I'll be able to get ripped with my cousin's and my sister and poke fun at my dad and just about everyone else at the party and not have to worry about getting to my in-laws to open presents. By the way, Christmas presents are supposed to be opened Christmas morning - NOT at 9:00 p.m. Christmas Eve GLENN!!! Sorry about that, momentary lapse......

I'll be able to wake up in my old room and smell the sweet aroma of cinnabons and coffee Christmas morning. I'll open my presents in my pajama's as my parents look on and smile with happiness on their faces and joy in their hearts all while my dog will be stealing the wrapping paper and eating it under the table. And this year I asked for nothing because I am just that thankful to be home with people who love me. People who I know want nothing but the best for me. People who love what I give them whether it be a million dollar necklace or a card made from toothpicks. The people who made me who I am today....a nice girl who giggles a lot, laughs hard and loves big.

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you are as blessed as I am to spend it with those who you love most.

My Smile is My New Weapon of Choice

2005-12-22T08:49:00.000-05:00

The story that I don't get picked up in bars can no longer be true. I can no longer say that men do not approach me in clubs and bars.....I think my luck is finally changing in that area and I'm happy about that because I was beginning to feel like a reject. Its not that I want to get hit on by the trolls that frequent many of these establishments, its just that a girl can use a little ego boost every once in awhile to know she's "still got it."

Since the day that I have announced that I will dedicate my "dating" life for the better good of woman kind by writing down my experiences, I have had a string of good luck with meeting men. Oh sure a lot of them have not panned out into anything, but the point is, I'm getting feedback by just altering a few things.

Remember that saying, "A smile can speak a thousand words," or is it "A smile can speak volumes..." Not sure - but anyway, normally when a gentleman (I use that term loosely) looks at me, I shy away and look the other way like he's got the plague. Since the day I committed myself to this book, I've learned that a small, shy smile is just enough incentive for a lot of men. How fucking easy is that? A few times in recent weeks, particularly this past weekend, I used said smile and sure enough, the results were wonderful. Had I not smiled my smile, Dr. Leiberman would be so proud, I wouldn't have met a really nice, handsome, funny, gentleman (yes I can use this term about him) on Saturday night.

I spoke about him the other day and I was a little wary because again, he lives far. However, he called me and we wound up on the phone for three hours. Three friggin hours - GOOD LORD, I haven't done that since I was in high school. And we spoke again last night for well over an hour - time just flies when your having fun I guess. He's awesome though and I hope I get the opportunity to see him again in person.....so I can jump on his fucking head! HA!!

At lunch today the smile worked, but I was at work and was completely caught off guard. So much so that I had to stop what I was doing at leave the lunchroom. I mean this guy was good looking, made eye contact and then wouldn't stop the eye contact. I was laughing so hard I couldn't speak. Then he mouthed something to me and I lost it - I couldn't take it anymore and I had to leave. It was so emabrassing. It was cute, but embarassing. I need to grow a set and get on it right?

On another note, Johnny Damon was just signed as a New York Yankees. I should have written about this before because I knew, the SECOND it was mentioned that he might become a Yankee (about a month or so ago), I just knew it was going to happen. I know that other teams were interested, and apparently Johnny is supposed to be a Big Boston Boy, but everyone - I don't care who the hell you are - everyone wants to be a Yankee. Is it the pay? Is it the ego that comes with the pinstripes? Not sure and I don't care what it is, everyone, given the opportunity and the right price will come over to the pinstripe side. AND I dont' care if you are Mets, Angels, Boston, Cardinals, or Cubs fan, at some point in time you all lose a player to the Yankees. Its a fact of life. I don't know how I feel about him coming to the Yankees because I was a Bernie fan, but he's getting old and Johnny is only 31. Let's see if he produces because if he doesn't, there will be hell to pay.

Oooo Karma You Sneaky Devil

2005-12-20T08:11:00.000-05:00

Karma, O you sneaky little Devil you. You strike when people least expect it and you can be a total and complete rat bastard when you want to be. I promise, I will try so hard not to cross you and continue living my life by way of good and bad.

Trixie - sigh. When will you learn? I love you, you are my friend and I want nothing but the best for you, but why you don't listen to the voice of Mer when she gives you advice? Instead you pool your friends and listen to the ones who tell you what you want to hear. You'll never learn.

For those who do not know Trixie and her personality, I will tell you this, she is, how do I explain??? Well she's conceited. We've all told her that and she's said and I quote, "I'm not conceited. I'm cocky. There's a difference." No there isn't, but anyway, the cockiness tends to make her feel like she's an untouchable and that's not good. Plus, she honestly does not know what it is like to be without a man in her life. She is ALWAYS dating someone. That's just her. As long as I've known her, she's always had a man in her life. Correction, she's had men in her life. I am NOT holier than thou, and I do not judge her - if she wants to date more than one man until one of them is ready to say - "let's be exclusive" - that's perfectly fine.....unless they are under the pretense that they are the only man in her life, which is exactly what they think.

I've given her warnings, I've told her that one day she will get caught, that her luck will soon run out, that she is certainly playing with fire and her response is usually one of two things, "I'm not exclusive and until one is ready for a committment, then I'm ok. I don't owe anyone anything." OR, "I've done this before and I've NEVER gotten caught."

Well.

The first reaction I can almost agree with - almost, however, I won't say she was dating all three men, but I will say she was having "relations," and I knew that although these men did not know one another, nor did they even live anywhere close to each other, it was just a matter of time before Karma knocked on the door and said, "Time. Anti up."

Sure enough, the man who was in the forefront for her affections was clearly the one she hurt the most. He was what she was looking for, good looking, great job, own place, own car, lived in an exclusive part of NYC, showed loads of affection, was intelligent, spent boatloads of cash on her and her friends (me and Samantha) and he was crazy gonzo for her. So of course he was the one she hurt most.

For all her scheming she got caught in the stupidest of ways, on the phone while peeing. That's right. Peeing!!! See Trixie doesn't care if she's on the phone with you, me or the Pope, if she's got to pee, she goes pee. She was at his house, relaxing and she received a phone call and decided to use the bathroom while on the phone. Bad move - the bathroom is large and it echos - very very loudly. Second bad move was not turning the volume down on her phone. This guy is sitting on the bed right outside the door when her friend asks Trixie, "Is he the only guy you are dating?" In a very, "duh stupid question" manner, she replied, "Humph....No."

The second Trixie came out of the bathroom, his demeanor had already changed and he became cold, distant and standoffish. She was up shit's creek. She tried to talk to him and work it out, but he wasn't having it. He stuck to his guns. Let's put it this way - every time she says goodbye to him, he doesn't want to let go. He'll hug her, kiss her and hug her some more - when she left, he not only did NOT do any of those things, his good bye was, "Take care."

Ouch.

I certainly do not want to see her hurt, but I couldn't help but tell her that I had told her it was going to end like this eventually and karma being the bitch she is would totally hit her ten fold. See Karma doesn't come at you with one bad turn deserves another - nope, it finds something you truly like and it smashes it to utterly nothing. One bad turn by you is turned into something horrible by Karma. It happens.

To add insult to injury, this morning she got a speeding ticket. Good god.

As her friend I can only try to explain to her why things happen the way they do. She wasn't going to marry this guy so she shouldn't be so heart broken. She also laid out false pretenses so she can't get that upset at him for telling her to kiss off. She can however learn from this and choose not to do it again. Treat others as you would like to be treated. I never thought it was a hard concept. Not that I follow it to a "T" - but I try. I really do. We make stupid mistakes, we hurt people we shouldn't, but its up to you whether or not you learn from it and move on, or you can roll the crazy dice and get snake eyes again.

She kills me though. She really does. She's dating other men and one of them (We'll call him Mr. X) she saw only hours before this guy - and she actually told me, "I like Mr. X better than V." - so why o why is she making such a big fuss? Because she got caught and her ego can't handle it.

Am I being caddy or am I being real? Humph. Good question. I don't think I'm being caddy because these are all things I've said to her face. So I'm going to have to say I'm being real. See I hate when people do this shit. Its not fair to the person who is its being done to. Its not nice and its not how I live my life. I don't know, perhaps I'm tired of her whole life revolving around men - which is something that rubs off on me....a lot. I've never talked so much about men in all my life as I have in the last 8 months and I can't help to think that its because I hang out with her everyday and that's all her life is focused on. Its a viscious cycle that I'm trying to break. It took me awhile, but I think the first part of it is recognition and acceptance - isn't that what they say in therapy or something?

Anyway, I'll try to keep you all posted. V, the guy she hurt, is on MySpace and we've chatted a little - nothing crazy, all hi and bye shit and neither of us have mentioned this incident. If I get an interview with him, I'll totally tell you about it. Totally.

One last note before I go - I saw Bon Jovi last night in concert and it was ok. They used to be my favorite live act, but it left me extremely unsatisfied. The sound wasn't great and they played a ton of new songs and that's not what they've done in the past so it was a little disappointing. It happens. At least I got to chill with my big sissy and throw back a few and when I say few, I mean I drunk dialed on my way INTO the concert - not out. Yikes.

Weekend Update

2005-12-19T09:53:00.000-05:00

Not sure if this happens to anyone else, but I get my best ideas for this blog when I'm falling off to sleep. Problem is, I'm so damn tired and lazy that I don't get up and write them down. Instead I try to memorize my idea for the following morning - only to realize I completely and totally forgot what I was going to write about. God I hate that because I had a great idea last night but I can't remember it.....probably because I am still recovering from the weekend.

Thursday evening you know that I went shopping with my good friend B. Instead of writing a play by play - I'll just give you highlights. Great time shopping - seriously, we picked out a gift for his girl and even though he got aggravated at the whole scene, we still got a fair amount done. We then had dinner at the 101 - B paid - what a swell guy!!! Trixie, Samantha, her sister and Samantha's man all met us there. B also heard me sing for the first time. Now we all know that our girlfriends will tell us whatever we want to hear. For example, when we are distraught over a man, they will console us and make us feel like we did nothing wrong, whereas our male friends will tell us we were too eager, too possessive or too needy. When I sing, I get lots of compliments from people and my girlfriends tell me I sound awesome - but I take that only as far as I can throw it. So of course I was pleasantly surprised to get an email from B the next day, not only saying thank you for a good time, but to tell me that he had no idea that I had such a good voice, a phenomenal one at that. That really made my day because B is a critical person and to have him give a compliment is far and few between. - onward. I also drank a little too much and did my infamous drunk dialing. I only did two, but I apologize now for anything I said because I don't remember what I said. I wasn't plastered, its just that I ramble so much about absolute nonsense that I don't remember what I say. I'm very very sorry to anyone who got one. One more note about Thursday - I heart B.

Friday night - was a true wash. I stayed curled up in the fetal position all night and went to bed by 11:30.

Saturday - ahhhh Saturday. Very interesting. I had tickets for the taping of Comedy Central Presents and we saw Mike Birbiglia. No joke, I've seen him before and I love him. If you get the chance to watch the special - do it. If he's ever in your area, go see him. This is not an option. He has a website so Google him and check out his act:

"Yes I'm Italian, but I'm not really really Italian....my family is more like Olive Garden Italian."

Come on - that's funny.

Anyway, after that we raced home, changed, grabbed Samantha and headed to the City to pick up a guy that Trixie is dating (more on this later). We then hauled our cookies another half hour away to White Plains to go to a club where this guy's "friends" were going to be at. Now I dont like clubs and I certainly hate club music. Why? First, I can't stand club music for more than 5 minutes, however, this DJ did play a variety. Second reason why I hate clubs - I dont get hit on because skinny bitches are ever present with their fake boobies and tanned skin. HOWEVER - this is a first. Mer met a man. Shocker. She kissed him. Yikes. But the fairy tale ends there my friends because he lives in Connecticut. Not too far, but far enough. We'll see, he took my number but that's only as far as it went. God he was a good kisser too. Mer needed that. Actually we talked for most of the night - I mean - talked. We danced a little bit, but we talked mostly which is odd for a club. I'm getting side tracked - most importantly....how did the kiss happen. Ooooo aaaahhhhh - Well, that night Trixie's purse was stolen, thank god it was recovered only missing $60. When the intensity wore off, he asked if he could kiss me, "May I kiss you now?" - I blushed - yes I blushed - shoot me. I instantly thought to myself in a split second "You never do this. It would be so nice to kiss a guy. What would Trixie do?" So I said yes. It was luxurious. I mean, wow. My friggin toes curled and screamed "Yowzer!!!" He pulls away and says, "You're a good kisser." - my response, "I know." and I kissed him again. AAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like a school girl. I'm so lame. After that we kissed a lot - we talked, and the talking would be interrupted by more kissing - nice. I asked if he had cooties and he assured me he was cootie free. Whew! I'd like to see him again, but if I don't, no big deal. Connecticut remember?

Samantha and I got home about 5:00 a.m, Trixie stayed at her man's house (more on this later). And we did the totally chick thing; we gossiped, chilled and watched a movie until we went to bed at 6:30 a.m. Friggin good time. However, I was up at 10 and we got out of the house by 1 to go into Hoboken to drink more and watch football. It was a good time, but by George I was tired and in bed by 7. I don't know how I stayed awake and drank 3 beers. I have NO idea. I'm stupid.

Tonight I am going to the Bon Jovi concert. I'm stoked because not only is this my 5th time seeing them, but every single concert has been good. They really are a great act to watch even if you are not a Jovi fan. I'm also excited because this is my birthday gift to my sister and I was not present all weekend to enjoy it with her. I'm on a mission to show her a good time. Each year we get ripped and call my mother from the concernt:

"MA!!!! LISTEN - JON IS SINGING TO YOU!!!"

"Mer, is that you? I can't hear you!!"

"JUST FOR YOU MA!!!!" (me singing) "WOOOOOOAAAA O! LIVIN' ON A PRAYER. TAKE MY HAND, WE'LL MAKE IT I SWWWEEEEAAAARRRR. WOAAAA OO LIVIN' ON A PRAYER!!!!!

"I can't hear you!!! Its too loud"

"I LOVE MY SISSSY. I LOVE YOU MA!!! I GOTTA GO NOW, JON IS CALLING ME ON STAGE!!!"

And that my friends has happened 4 times before. Good times.

Tomorrow I'll give the story on how Trixie completely and totally burned herself and how I'm not sympathetic to her ply. Long story. Be well and think happy thoughts. I promise I'll toast a beer to all four of you who read this.

Adventures with B

2005-12-15T11:17:00.001-05:00

Tonight should be interesting and I'm hoping I have good material for you tomorrow.

You see tonight B and I are doing our Christmas Shopping together this evening. Actually I should back track a little and set the mood.

Back in the day (read a year or so ago), B and I somehow became better friends, I think I've spoken on this before. I'd go down to his office for advice on men, on my career, work stuff, just about everything. Well from that we started to hang outside of work - him and I would go to dinner and just talk - what he is for me, I am for him....a confidant. Even when Ted and I were dating, B and I would go to dinner alone and hang. Then whenever B needed the help of a female in fashion or decor, I was his girl. For instance, one time B had to attend a wedding (in the party) and he had to wear certain clothing. He didn't go with his girl, not his mother, but with me to do all of this. I was flattered. Oh and then there was the time that he came to me, not his roommate, not his best friend, not his family, but me to discuss his situation with his girl and I was happy to help. Again, he's not one to talk deeply with anyone so I was flattered.

So, now that B has a "girlfriend," (I use this term loosely), he comes to me for advice on her and now, I will be aiding him in a gift for Christmas for her. Good stuff.

Last week we hit up a Devil's game - good time. Everytime we chill its a good time and that's why I'm totally looking forward to this. I think we have the ultimate friendship and its only gotten better over time. We make each other laugh, we never get on one another's nerves - because we know the word "space" and we've already gotten the whole "hooking up" thing out of the way. Actually I sometimes think that was the whole catalyst that brought us closer. Does that make sense? No more pressure, we are who we are and its all good.

Now you're all wondering - oh geez, she's got a crush on him. And to that I answer like this: nope. I love B. I really do. If I wasn't so intense and if he wasn't so awkard about relationships, we'd go far, but I'm very, no I'm extremely happy we are the friends we are and nothing more. We never hang out too much so that its overload and wind up getting on one another's nerves. Not here. Its always just enough.

After shopping though, I'm bringing him out to the 101. That's right, I'm subjecting him to the drunken stupidity of those retards. I highly doubt he will ever get on stage - but here's something that you don't know. When B drinks, he has this friggin great alter ego named Hank. And Hank - well Hank is unstoppable. Good lord, Hank is fun.

To summarize, tonight should be a good nite and I'm hoping it is because I need to lighten up already.

Dreamy

2005-12-14T07:02:00.000-05:00

Personally, I think Heath Ledger is absolutely dreamy. I mean come on, look at him! And I could really give a flying fig if he plays a gay dude in the new movie Brokeback Mountain - it doesn't matter, I'd still jump on his head.

Originally I only shared a mild interest in this movie. I thought to myself when I first saw the preview a few weeks ago, "Humph. Looks interesting and I bet he'll be damn good in it, but no one is going to want to see it with me so I'll wait for the DVD." To be honest though, all this Oscar buzz certainly has me mulling it over to go see it alone. Hell, I just might have to go and see it this weekend.

Oh Heath - I heart you.

I loved him in The Brother's Grimm. The story itself was cute and there were some funny parts to it, but it dragged and it could have been better. However, he certainly stole the show, he's a phenominal actor and I hope he gets the Oscar nod. Ooooooo, but he's also going to be staring in Casanova due out at the end of the month.

One word: Yum.

Actually this weekend I was so upset (not over men, just about life in general), that I went to the movies alone. I've never done that before and you know what? I LOVED it. I really really did. I had no one talking to me during the movie, I got to sit where I wanted, I had my own popcorn....everything. It was marvelous. So perhaps I'll do it again this weekend.

+++++++++++++

I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was actually a little down on myself - I was wearing the whole self pity thing - apparently its a good color for me right now. I'm not upset about men - nope, not at all. I'm actually getting very used to being alone and I'm liking it more and more after each date I go on. I guess it happens when you start to get discouraged by what's out there.

Anyway, I'm feeling down because for all my talk and all my complaining, my life is still the same. This is the first time I don't have anything driving me or motivating me toward some sort of goal. I'm not taking any classes toward my degree, I'm not following the whole acting thing, I'm living at home, I'm barely excercising right now.....what is wrong with me? Do I have the winter blues? The holiday upsets? Not sure.

I know I'll snap out of it soon enough, but it just hit me pretty hard this weekend....mostly Monday though. Monday was a tough day for me. I'm feeling like I'm digging my way out, but the dirt keeps piling in. Its a never ending battle sometimes. I'm a survivor so I'm sure I'll be fine.

One thing I did do that made me feel better - I pampered my mother a little last night. I went out and bought a fantastic dinner for her and myself. I cooked it, I cleaned up afterward and I even fixed a few things she needed done. She's been waiting for my father to help her with some stuff and its been taking forever. She was so happy to spend time alone with me and just chill out. I love my mom and she deserved it. Between my grandmother and my father my mother is completely exhausted so I was happy to do anything I could for her last night.

Good stuff.

Anywho, I've gotta run now and get some java for this little little one. Thanks once again for stopping in and listening to me drone on about my pathetically boring drivel. Have a great day and bundle up because its fucking cold out there!

Bar Mojo

2005-12-12T07:30:00.000-05:00

How is everyone on this fine festive Monday morning?

That good huh?

Well I can't complain. Had meself a three day weekend thanks to the ass blowout of 2005 Thursday night. Trixie and I went out to eat after my haircut Thursday at Applebee's. I know - fine place right? Anyway, we wanted something fast, but we didn't want a diner, we also didn't want to spend a ton of money because we were going out after dinner to get our drink on. That just was not in the stars for Mer. Nope. Whatever was in that salad did the coocaracha on my intestines and I was homeward bound for the night. Enough said.

Even if it hadn't snowed on Friday, I think I would have stayed home due to this little illness and well.....also because I just didnt' want to go to work.

The remainder of the weekend really wasn't all that eventful. Yesterday I went out to a bar in Hoboken to watch the games. GO Giants and Patriots!!!!

Ok now you know how I've said this before, I don't get picked up in bars....at least not by men close to my age. Normally its by guys who are like 22-24 - although tempting, I don't bother.

Well.

I didn't get hit on once. Not twice. Not even three times. I think I set my own personal best at four yesterday - two of which actually got my 411. Nice.

First, let me start by saying that when I walked into that bar, men were so far from my mind. Seriously. I had NO intentions of meeting anyone, in fact, I was cursing men out in my mind thinking that dating just was not for me, because it really isn't. I hate it. I hate it so much that I think I sabotage relationships because I'm so uncomfortable. Its like this inevitable factor that I will some how fuck it up. Also, Ted called me that morning just to say hi and somehow we got in a fight. What is that? Apparently he thinks my life is in a downward spiral, but I'm in the middle of it right now and that's why I can't recognize it. I'm not living my life, I'm living everyone else's life and when I fall down, he'll still help me back up. THEN he tells me he can't talk to me anymore. Let's back up. I told him already I can't be his friend. I told him I'm dating now and I view it as a conflict. I told him that I was uncomfortable being his friend....so tell me. Where's the loss? Puuuhhhlease. I didn't get upset, I didn't get mad, I was just thoroughly agitated. Can we say delusional?

Anyway, Samantha, her man, Trixie and I headed out yesterday to watch the games. I guess because I wasn't "looking" per say, that I did finally meet a few men worth talking to and perhaps even going on a date with. But let's recap here. Mer has no good luck with men. I'm convinced. One guy lives in Washington D.C., his name was Ed. Ed was nice, he was cute in an older man cute fastion and he has a real job. He monitors - that's right MONITORS, software for the government. WTF? Can we say CIA or KGB? That would be my luck, but hey, I'm down for a little adventure and he was courteous and nice - nothing thrilling, very safe. I see a flash of our future together and I see a 4 bedroom home, two car garage, 2.1 kids. You get the idea. But again....he lives in Washington D.C. - not exactly a stone throws away.

Then there was Shane. Shane and all his buddies were in the crowded bar having a great ol' time when I come walking through their little intricate circle stopping them in mid-conversation. Not my fault, they were blocking my way. Anyway, somehow I get pulled into a picture of theirs, a picture turns into hello's, the hello's turn into a drink, the drink turns into shots - you know.....the norm. Shane was very....I mean....very, handsome. He's 34 and he's worked for the same company as a sales agent for 10 years. He lives about 20 minutes from me and already he wants to take me out. Not a problem - but already he wanted to completely make out with me. How do I know? He told me. Yep, after talking all afternoon and throwing flirty glances, this guy said to me - looked me square in the eye and told me - "I want to kiss you so bad. I just want to kiss your face.....I want to kiss you all over." -GOOD GOD - what is that all about!!!! These things don't happen to Mer. He kept hugging me and kissing my cheek, my forehead - anywhere he could place his lips in the realm of my face he did.....and yet I allowed it. What is wrong with me???

Of course I blew a lot of it off, I mean come on - we were in a bar!!! How serious CAN I take it if I'm meeting a guy in a bar of all places. - But the kicker is this....two of his buddies (can't be that good of friends), told me on the aside (separately of course) that if Shane didn't take my number, they would like to be second in line. Apparently men can be caddy too. I found this hysterical and a great ego booster too. Come on, everyone can use a little ego boosting every once in a while. Keeps us healthy.

So I guess I did well yesterday. I have more to say, but no caffeine yet and I fear that only an 1/8 of this post is coherent so I'm going to stop now.

But I'm sure you are wondering to yourselves, "what about Robbie?" - yeh well you see, I'm sure Robbie would have been great, but until March, his life is tied up in hockey working for both the Devils and the Rangers and I'm not about to pine for a guy who I'm only going to see every so often. He would be my numero uno choice, but I can't put life on hold for him. Just can't do it captain. When he calls I'll talk, but I won't put any stock into him. It happens.

Devils Suck Major Cock

2005-12-08T08:41:00.000-05:00

Last night was my first Devil's game in almost three years and I was elated to go beyond belief. B and I had been discussing grabbing a game one of these days and yesterday when I made my weekly visit to his office, we decided right there and then to go to the game that evening.

I won't get into the whole game, but I will tell you this, they just aren't the Devil's of old. They have no heart and they are not playing together like a real team. It was horrible. I was happier than a pig in shit to be there, but it was disappointing to see them lose.

B and I though had a great time. I love that kid. He was pretty impressed with my knowledge of hockey too - go me. We have a unique friendship where I'm just about the ONLY person he discusses serious things with...i.e. relationship stuff. He has been dating this one girl for about 8-10 months now and I'm the one he talks to about her. I'm actually flattered that he talks to me at such length too because its my way of repaying him for all the great advice he gives me. I LOVE YOU B!!!!! Thanks for going with me last night. U D Bomb.

Honestly, we have a great time and we spoof just about everything and laugh at each other endlessly. Last night we started talking about being single and then the conversation got to marriage and then it went like this:

M: B, if I’m not married by time we’re 40, well when you’re 40, because I’m two years older – we should get married.
B: Great idea. Definitely and then we’ll have like 15 kids.
M: Nice. We’ll have the best marriage ever. We’ll drink, we’ll smoke, we’ll chill.
B: No drinking for you. You’ll be pregnant.
M: True. True. Ok, then you have to double fist – one for you and one for me.
B: Definitely. But do you want to wait until you’re like 40? I think it should be earlier.
M: Good point. Ok, how about we revisit this idea when I’m 35 and we’ll see where we are and then make our decision?
B: Awesome.

Come on....that's awesome and that's just about how all our conversations go.

HOWEVER, during the game, my cell phone goes off. Low and behold it's Robbie. I didn't tell you guys this, but he also works part time for the Devils organization but I never know what game he's at.

R: Where are you?
M: I'm at the Devil's game.
R: Are you? So am I!!
M: No way! I had no idea you were working tonight.
R: I sent you an email that I was going to call you from the game.
M: Dude, I didn't get it.
R: You should have called me from the game though. Why didn't you call?
M: Well I left you a message last night and I never heard back from you. You're a busy dude, I'm not going to bombard you with phone calls. The ball was in your court.
R: Mer. You can call me WHENEVER you want, however many times you want.
M: Nice.

Then he called me after the game and the conversation was about the drunk dial I left.

M: Are you sure it wasn't that bad?
R: Nope, it was just fine. You said something about having a good time with me on our date and then you started to sing "If I had a million dollars."
M: Whew. Ok good because I left two other messages that night. Let's put it this way - I called my friend Matt and told him that I was getting married in the Bahamas.
R: The Bahamas?
M: Yep, the Bahamas and I was inviting him to come.
R: You told him that you were marrying me right?

Yep, my fears of insecurity have been alleviated. Later on we spoke AGAIN before I went to bed and it was business as usual. Him making me laugh uncontrollably and us just shooting the breeze. We really are two peas in a pod and I am hoping that I see him this weekend so I can take a running leap and jump on his fucking head.

Who just said that?

Sorry, that was a lack of control on my part. You have to understand - its been a while for Mer. :(

Anyway, cross your fingers again because I think it worked the first time.

Signs and The WIllie Factor

2005-12-07T08:32:00.000-05:00

People have told me, ok more specifically Trixie, has told me that life is not planned, there is no set course for us, yet she still believes in fate....its just a matter of reading the signs. Wasn't that in a movie or something? I think its all horseshit. When you read "the signs" its not about the greater order of power, its just a matter of reading reality. For example, if a guy doesn't call you, its not "a sign" - its much easier than that, he's just not interested, its up to you whether or not to recognize it....something that I was never able to do before, thus a two year bad relationship with the not so wonderful Ted. However I've learned and I've moved on. Go me.

Robbie and I keep missing one another - phone calls go out, messages left, timing bad. It happens. But is this one of the instances where you read it as a sign that its just not going to happen and you let it go due to discouragement or is just what it is....bad timing? Good question - but don't worry, its not one I'm going to pontificate.

I guess I still have faith in the date and the conversations we've had, yet I'm not delusional enough to wallow in the what if....I do have another date with Jamie so I guess I'm moving on. Here's the thing....I like Jamie, but that's it. He doesn't give me the willies - not that I'm comparing him to Robbie, but honestly, Robbie set the bar pretty high. Is it bad that I think that? Nah, I'm just being honest. I'm not comparing, hell no, but for me, I need the willie factor, the butterflies, the smiles and flirtation, the sexual tension.....I need all of those things in order for my attention to be maintained otherwise I'll be phoney and the ick factor will take the place of where the willie factor should be.

Oh god, I really hope I'm not one of those shallow people who like a little eye candy....is that wrong? I need to be sexually attracted to the guy I'm dating otherise the point is nill and the disinterest covers me like a wet blanket.

Then again, I'm not 48 and looking for a life partner to grow old with, I'm looking for love and sometime to spend time with. I think I still have loads of time left to continue to be picky. If anything this whole dating experience has shown me that I need to continue to be picky. I want what I want. When I was little I never gave up wanting what I wanted until I got it....what changed? What made me settle for less than I deserve? Was I that desperate before for love and affection that I allowed myself to stray from the self confident woman that I am? Perhaps. Maybe. I'll never know unless I go through some deep rooted therapy, something us poor folk can't afford. Instead I'll do what all us poor folk normally do, bite the bullet and move on.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. If I were to read "the signs" I'd have to say that right now I'm just not meant to be with anyone. The MySpace situation has been fun, but its leaving me discouraged....like so many other things in my life. I'm not giving up on love, hell no, puuhhhlllease, I'm not that pathetic to allow a simple stupid fun thing like MySpace leave me THAT discouraged. I thinks its simply run its course. Perhaps I'll even come back to it in a few weeks, who knows. For now I'll keep doing what I'm doing - trying new things, meeting new people.

It still would have been nice to have someone to share the holidays with though.......

Silly Girl

2005-12-05T07:56:00.000-05:00

A fact about myself that I wish I could change. I am a silly girl.

My head is forever in the clouds thinking of "what if's" and the endless possibilities my life can possess. I get stuck on situations and think about how I could have changed them if I had done one or two things differently. Hours can be wasted contemplating what will happen as a result of these actions that have me so deep in thought.....all because I am a silly girl.

I fantasize.....Yes at 28 I still daydream of being rich and successful. I still dream about meeting someone who makes me more deliriously happy than my wildest of dreams. I will act out whole scenarios in my head of how a particular conversation would go with said gentleman - what he would say to me, or how we would get to know one another.....all because I am a silly girl.

If I see a man that I think is cute and I don't act upon meeting him....I play out the meeting in my mind and the coy shy looks or the words I SHOULD have spoken if I actually had the balls to do so. Or how about when I do meet a man in say a coffee shop, and it seems like we had all this flirtatious chemistry, but still it doesn't go anywhere and I'm only left with that chance meeting to be played in my dream filled foggy head....all because I am a silly girl.

In reality, I will rant and rave about going on a date and having a fabulous time with this date and then I go home and wonder if he'll call me the next day. I'll over analyze the situation instead of letting it be a fond memory in the catalogs of my mind. I'll spend days and days talking about him and any little thing he did or is doing. I'll even dedicate an entire blog post to him to work out the insecurities I am feeling regarding the situation.....all because I am a silly girl.

This isn't something new either, I've always been in la la land. When I was 6, my mother used a card board box from Toy's R Us (she worked there part time) and on the oustide of this box it said "6 Cabbage Patch Dolls enclosed" - that night I dreamt of my sister getting 3 dolls and me having three of my own. I thought about showing up to school and letting everyone see that I in fact had received not one, not two, but yes, three coveted Cabbage Patch Dolls. I slept with a big smile on my face only to find out the next morning that it was just a box.....all because I was a silly girl.

Now its to a point that I get so caught up in my head, that sometimes I miss the stuff happening around me. I'll get a phone call from Trixie gossiping to me about whatever happened or will be happening that night and I'll forget that my parents are in the next room eating dinner without me. Or better yet, I'll keep my cell phone with me at all times, just so I don't miss anything....all because I am a silly girl.

I've cried over men who were not worth my time, I've spent countless hours worrying about the fate of a relationship that wasn't meant to be because the romantic in me would not allow the thought of love not prevailing. I've thrown tantrums and cried my eyes shut when life didn't go my way, because he didn't show me he cared enough to stop my tears from falling.....all because I was a silly girl.

And last week I was a silly girl going over and over in my head all the times I laughed on one particular date. Instead of just letting it go and leaving the ball in his court I reverted to an old way of thinking which is ultimately setting myself up for disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I've heard from Robbie since my last post, but I'm not getting myself all worked up about it - the cynic is rearing its ugly head making me consequently cranky already giving him the relationship pink slip......all because I am a silly girl.

This relationship crabbiness is not all about him either. Its about me and my dip from reality.

Because this summer I spent a majority of it re-working my thought process, trying to become stronger so I don't get hurt so badly the next time around. Yet once again, like every other time, I let it ride and threw caution into the wind so that the silly girl could peek her wicked head out around the emotional corner tripping me and leaving me to drown in my insecurities once again.....and I hate that silly girl. I used to love her and embrace her because she was my inner child, the little elf that kept me kooky and quirky....but after the stupidity of my rants last week, I want to find that silly girl and smash her head in.

All is not lost though. After I soak in self loathing a bit longer, I'll cheer up once again and remind myself that its ok to daydream and to be "in like." Its ok to think about the "what if's" and the "could be's," as long as its kept in realistic proportion. As long as I remember that I am me and that's all just part of it. Because I pray I never ever stop day dreaming. I will always try to stop myself and take a look around and embrace me for all my wonderful, loving, kooky, quirky factoids that are all my own.....including the silly girl.