Spumoni - Its the Flavor of All Months

In my short time here on nature’s glorious earth, I have learned so many lessons; so many important lessons that should guide me effortlessly through life. Things that should hold my hand and help me keep from making a total and complete ass of me; yet I still do them. Why is that? Why do I allow myself to make a jerk of myself even when I know what the outcome will be?

Because its easy – I allow myself that cup of ice cream I shouldn’t have, the extra glass of Mr. Vino when I’ve had too much, or to blow off a day of working out when I had carbs for breakfast. I indulge myself more than I should and it’s beginning to be a repeat pattern in my life. I wonder if Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates or Michael Phelps have these same issues??? If I sit and pontificate that notion, I guess they do because despite being on top of the world - Oprah is fat, Bill is an introverted nerd and Michael is a pothead. I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

What has me thinking like this? What has Meredith been contemplating and turning around in her head as she sips on another glass of the blasted Mr. Vino???? (Mmmm another yummy indulgence).

Last week I emailed my ex-boyfriend (GASP THE HORROR) – the most recent in a calamity of men. He said he wanted to “keep in touch,” and I took that literally. So after a few weeks and when I felt up to it, I emailed him and told him that I found a job (finally) and that I was in fact taking a trip to Vegas like I was thinking about. Did I hear from him? No of course not. Why would he want to hear that I had moved on with my life while he was just as miserable as the day we broke up???? Silly me for thinking that he really did want to keep in touch –and they say us women are the hard ones to understand. Pfffft – whatever.

I’ve moved on – of course. I’m resilient and if you know one iota about me, then you know I don’t weep for too long; I push forward, and bounce back. I can’t help it. Why would I risk a moment of laughter to cry and be something I’m not? Sure I miss him at times, but I don’t miss the drama – I miss the good stuff that COULD HAVE been us. Not the stuff that really was. Big difference….and that is EXACTLY why I was able to move on so quickly – and Tracy thought I was being so resilient and strong. Nah, I figured out that we as romantically inclined “Twilight” reading women do that – we agonize over the “what if’s” and not so much the “what is.” Think about it. I’ll give you a moment to talk amongst yourselves.

Another reason why I beat myself up is because if I do meet someone new, I don’t know how to let it naturally progress. I seem to always want more. When I was younger, it was effortless – because I didn’t know what I was doing, and what direction it could go in. I hadn’t reached the multitude of hurt love could inflict yet. I just kind of went with my gut – and I landed on my feet. Nowadays, I know all the stupid directions it could go and how easily it could get fucked up, so I inevitably debate and I turn over in my head all the friggin possibilities instead of letting it flow and ebb.

Ahhhhh but that’s just it. I’m older now – shit I’m THIRTY FUCKING TWO YEARS OLD – I can’t let boys annoy me and pull my hypothetical pigtails. I’m ready to push on, do me (literally if I have to) and sigh with awkward resignation that life as I know it JUST may be companionly challenged.

I know with full force, and my friends who have seen me in action and survived the cursed woes of my relationships past standing with their middle fingers pointed in the air right alongside me can attest - I will always meet someone who wants ME to be THEIR flavor of the month – but I’m not looking for that anymore. This time I want to be the favorite of all time – the unquestionable answer to the debate of which is better – the chocolate OR the vanilla. Not some concoction of in-between soft ice cream swirl.

I’m my own flavor – I’m more like spumoni than anything – but that’s just it – who likes spumoni? Not only that – what man knows what the fuck that is?

Sigh…..AGAIN I resign to be just me - Meredith B. To love me and all of my own fucked up…. mixed up…. glorious…… tantalizing……strong flavors of Meredith….with a side of nuts of course.

Failure is Not an Option

It is not an option. I need to find happiness. I need to find it on my own and how it works for me. I’ve been through too much to allow more shit in my life. Again, I allowed someone in, and despite my gut feelings, I ignored them and got hurt again. It is no one’s fault but my own. No really, I get that. It has been pounded into my forehead, by myself, over and over again. But I trust easily and I am the forever willing romantic.

The good thing is I didn’t let it stop me. I was aware of the situation and I moved forward rather fast. Is that crazy? Nah, I think if anything it was proof positive that I need to read my gut more often. I need to just stop once in a while and make those tough decisions for myself no matter how hard they are.

Where did this all come from anyway Meredith? I’ll tell you.

Last week was just a rough one. I’m beginning to think that once a month I hit an estrogen low and then I get in a funk. Was it another break up….mmmmm maybe, although like I said, I saw it coming and before the official “end” I had already started moving on. Perhaps it was the fact that I graduated college – FUCKING FINALLY – and I didn’t have a job.

Was it so delusional of me to think I would go to school, get me degree and find a job? Isn’t that the natural way things are supposed to go? Oh that’s right, we’re in the life of Meredith and nothing goes according to plan. I do it all backwards and I learn everything the hard way. Thank god, I learn though. I will say that much.

Here I am, no boyfriend, no job, kinda in a world of limbo meandering about waiting. But that’s it – I’m not waiting, I’ve been taking the profound, “Bull by the Horns” and been looking for a job….and been out on the town looking for a man. Ok well not really. I don’t actually look (or hunt shall we say) for a man. I’m too old for that shit. I can’t do it anymore. They come to me – problem is, they are always so much younger. Urgh – I’m over that. Never again another too young man for me. I might look friggin young, but I can’t be with someone who hasn’t seen even an eighth of what I have been through.

Sigh….so Meredith is single again…..again. I knew it would happen. Oh well. But the job thing – that’s what is so killing me. Tomorrow I do in fact have an interview, but it is in sales and it is commission. I guess beggers can’t be choosers right?

Double sigh…..but I will persevere. I have no alternative. I must amp myself up and take charge once again. I must know that it will never be an easy path for me. I must know that is not the luck I have. I must know, that this too shall pass.

Shit.

Can we talk?

Let me say what I gotta say and then we'll be good.

I walk around here and get hit on or "looks" from 90% of the men in this place. Hell I've turned down half the team. But that's all ok and easily dealt with because I expect it. It's a fact of life in this field and it rolls right off of me like water on feathers; no problem.

And to some extent I'm even ok with what you said. You were drinking. I get it. Basically everyone was having a good time. Men usually confess such things, and this is no isolated incident.. But it's what you said right before that that eats at me. "I can't hire you because."

What is that??? I've been begging you for the chance to prove to you that I am smart and that I am capable. I've told you that you need to know that I can write a coherent thought and I am in fact a competent individual. Those…those words sliced me in two!

I was upset for a minute and then I realized that you needed to know something.

Perhaps I don't know adversity the way you know it. I'm not the first African American in your position and of your stature. I do know that I am a divorced woman. I do know that I can't have children. I know that I was once in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. But I survived them. And it might have taken me 12 years, but I graduate this summer, paid for by yours truly. So if this IS a dead end, I will find another route to get my ass into the profession of my dreams because in a long line of stepping stones to where I want to be….this is only a pebble. I hope you understand that.

I've said my peace and we're good now.

I will leave you though, with a word of advice. Texting an apology is not only a bad publicity move when trying to avoid real trouble, but evidence. Be careful next time.

Again

We had been mis-communicating for months. It was one strained conversation after another and something was always feeling "off" about us. Finally after putting myself through silent torture I decided to speak up because I could not go another day making pretend – the big elephant in the room suffocating me drawing all the breath from my lungs. As usual, we had just been on the phone together and it was yet more stupid banter with no substance. Immediately after putting the phone down, I grabbed it again and texted him (god I hate texting), but I wrote, "What is wrong with us? Why can't we communicate like we used to?" – To my horror he replied, "I don't know. I think my feelings have changed."

It was the answer I KNEW about, but the sword still slashed at my neck, throat, heart and stomach. He severed me. I didn't waste time and dialed his ass right there and had the conversation he was too coward to breach. We spoke about how the few weeks leading up to that moment had been unfulfilling, and how awkward things had been. Despite me trying to speak to him, I don't think I got a whole lot of answers. No - he still cared about me, no - he wasn't seeing anyone else, and yes - he could yell from the mountain tops I am an unbelievable woman. "Do you still want to be with me?" I asked. That's when he did the absolute worst thing he could have done……he hesitated.

GASP! Why would hesitation be worse than the word no? Because it meant he was a coward, it meant he didn't have the balls to say what he meant leaving me to stand in limbo like he been doing for so many weeks. But guess what? It blew up in his face. I've dealt with indecisive men before so I didn't give him the chance to respond, instead my self-preservation blurted out, "No, you don't get to answer. It doesn't matter what you say, you hesitated and I will not be with someone who hesitates. I….deserve….better"

It wasn't immediately about pride, it wasn't about making him feel bad, it was about getting it over with. If I had sat there and kept talking to him we probably could have resolved stuff – probably could have worked through it and tried to continue. But I had had enough. I was done trying and was incredibly upset because I had to be the strong one, the one who broached the subject, the one who had to end it all.

Do I regret saying that? No not at all. Actually it's the one proud moment from that conversation I take away with pride. And to this moment I don't feel wrong for feeling that way. The man I'm going to spend my life with won't hesitate, he knows blue and true he wants to be with me through any storm. The man I want to be with doesn't need to think, its instinct.

In recent days I've had a multitude of vivid dreams about him. Little things still trigger memories of him that ultimately lead to dreaming about him at night. I wind up waking up in the morning still feeling like I belong to someone….someone still loves me, thinks about me and wants to wrap his arms around me. But that's just it; we were in a long distance relationship so those things didn't happen on the regular. It has me believing that I miss the idea of him and not so much him.

To this day I still grapple with some things. I have some unresolved issues and normally I'm very good with introspection, but this one has me confused. It has me wondering why I can't exactly forget about him. He wasn't the end all be all, he wasn't even someone I considered spending the rest of my life with, but on the flip side, he never gave me a reason not to date him, not to be with him. Perhaps its just me being let down AGAIN, not wanting to believe that I let someone in AGAIN and they only hurt me…AGAIN.

Facebook Forward....Not So Much

I received one of those "Forwards" from a friend on Facebook – (God do you get this shit also???) – anyway I deleted it and ignored it because it only mildly intrigued me and wasn't enough to take my attention away from the other list of 50 some odd things to be accomplished in the next 24 hours. But as other people responded, I thought to myself – what would be the 16 things I want others to know about me? Should I talk about pet peeves, loves of my life or that I secretly like to pick at my toenails when I get out of the shower? I decided not to. Not because I cared if they judged me, but because everyone has a little gross thing they do in private. It just wasn't special enough. No it had to be more than just an idiosyncrasy so common it was expected. If I was going to take time out and sit at my computer it had to be things I've never shared. I sat for a moment and let it flow – my fingers began moving across the keys and a list flowed out of me – no effort. I'm sharing this here because when it boiled right down to it, I wasn't sure if a few people could take my honesty. Oh well, for my own purposes, its here now.

1. My hands are not feminine…yes they are small, but they look just like my dad's meat hooks.
   
2. I've known how to do stained glass since I was 6. Unfortunately I have not practiced in a VERY long time. Its something my dad and I spent many hours doing in our garage.
   
3. The first words out of my mouth when my ex-husband proposed were "you are so not doing this to me." That should have been a sign.
   
4. Which brings me to the fact that I have been proposed to more than once, but I said no. I do not plan to get married ever again. It's something I have thought long and hard about and most people do not believe me when I say this. For some reason they think I'm blowing smoke up their ass. Go figure.
   
5. I made varsity softball my freshman year in high school and quit 5 weeks later so I could become a lifeguard. Which I did for 2 years….but I made varsity again so no worries.
   
6. I can hold my breath for two minutes and have swam the length of an Olympic size pool under water. I heart the water and have loved scuba diving since my first time in St. Lucia. One day when I'm making money again I would like to get my license.
   
7. I can draw just about anything but find no inspiration to do so. Put an object in front of me and no problem – consider it done, but I can't make anything up from my imagination.
   
8. I fear nothing and I'm dead ass when I say it. I used to fear heights, but no more – I've overcome that fear. Three years ago I went through a lot personally and ever since then, I know I can do it all, see it all and be whatever I want because life only began after that. I admit, that yes I don't like bugs, but that's just because if there is someone else to deal with it, why should I?
   
9. I know what age I'm going to die. Don't ask me because it freaks most people out and I don't need to brag about it. I just know that 2 out of 3 of my premonitions have come to fruition – the last hasn't happened yet because it's the age I'm speaking of. I'm ok with this. No really, I am. I decided if anything, it's a push to live my life richer because what's the worst that happens….I don't die and I've done more with myself…….
   
10. …..Which leads me to this point - I have a list of 50 things I want to do before I die. I've accomplished eight and will complete a ninth by the end of 2009. (Scuba diving is on that list….then again so is being a contestant on "the Price is Right."
    
11. If there was one thing I could change about my body, I'd make my hair thicker. I like me the way I am – sure I'd love to lose 10 more pounds, but I'm comfortable just as is.
    
12. This is the first time in my life I am in debt, but I know that this too shall pass.
    
13. I owned my first house when I was 23.
    
14. I have no regrets in life. Not one. If I lived in the past, I would never see my glorious future.
    
15. The last time I lost my temper was in May 2005. I put my fist through a window and vowed to never allow anyone to ever get me down or get that much of a rise out of me ever again. So far, so good. No one, nothing is worth that much energy. If you think you can do it, go ahead try, most likely I'll walk away from you.
    

I will give just about anything one try, whether its food or friendship. I try to expand my horizons because many times in my life, I have done so and come out better for it.

15 Credits and a Degree in Miscellaneous

That's what I'm taking right now. 15 credits, and I can tell you right now, I'm lost in about 2 of the 5 classes right now. I'm not sure if its because these are theoretical classes or because I just can't pay attentioin. Ok that's not fair. I pay attention 90% of the time. Don't judge me - NO ONE can pay attention 100% of the time - let's be honest.

I've got this one class though, its called Rhetorical Criticism. It's ok I guess. I mean I understand everything the professor is talking about, but then he's all over the place. I'm not sure if its th elanguage barrier or just his pure enthusiasm for the subject. Oh and he's got this wild black curly hair that's all over the place - he speaks with a thick French accent and he's Polish. All I can say is that he's very interesting to watch to say the least. He's a little weird looking, but oddly attractive - perhaps I just need to take a cold shower and I'm lowering my standards as a result of my personal drought....but I digress.

Too bad I didn't get credits for the men I date - or have dated. I don't know, if that were the case I might never graduate. It's like each man represents another course that I've either failed or passed and moved on from. When I graduate school will I find my man - like receiving a diploma? That would be nice, I could handle that time frame.

Recently though I admit that I still think about my last boyfriend and I'm not 100% sure why. I cared a lot about him, but even when we were together I knew it wouldn't last, but I still loved him in my own way. He wasn't the love of my life, but he was important. I think because I have so many unanswered questions about him that I still think about him. All of this is coming up of course because I had a dream about him last night. So weird too. I dreamt that he was moving into a new apartment, actually it was an apartment in a house of someone he knew. Anyway, I was there to help him move and I think I asked him about us and he apologized in the dream for being mean to me - which he never was. He just simply didn't want to be with me anymore - asswipe couldn't even tell me that either, I made that decision for him. One day I'll explain, or not. Why would I dream about an apology anyway? Do I need one from him? I'm not really sure. We emailed each other in the beginning of December, but I haven't heard from him since - perhaps I was looking for more closure than I already possessed? Perhaps I'm just getting lonely again??? I'll take that answer before I'll accept that I miss him.

And this is what I DO NOT GET MOST OF ALL.....I'm a good looking girl. I've lost weight, I have a pretty face, I get hit on a lot - but I dont' get asked out on dates. Why is that? Do I ruin it with my big mouth? Actually someone told me the other day that I look intimidating. How so? Was that a compliment? I'm not really sure. All I do know is that its never been easier to meet men than now, yet nothing pans out for me. One day I'll tell you about Gman - another complicated, and misunderstood non-relationship of mine.

I've been single before, I've done the NO DATE, NO SEX thing - actually that lasted 2 years, but now, I would like to have someone to hold hands with - someone to kiss at night. Yet when I think about someone physically standing there holding my hand, I can't picture it. I don't see it nor do I feel it. Does that make sense? Do I need to "visualize the future" in order to attain it? Close my eyes and see a man there with me....Isn't that one of those self-help exercises they make you do? Hhhmmmm food for thought. But then I think about school and my career and I don't want a man complicating it. I'm not strong like so many others, I can't separate my career from men - that's something I need to learn and I might have even mentioned that before. If there is a God, perhaps he's making sure I stick to my plan before a man enters my life. Maybe, just maybe there is a bigger world order working in progress before I can move into a relationship.

Sigh....

We'll see.

I quit.

Today was most certainly quite an interesting day.

I quit my job.

I've always had a touch of an impulsive side, but I've surpressed that to make sure I kept those types of decisions for emergencies only. Although this wasn't a case that involved physical harm of any sort, my sanity was in dire need of help and I simply allowed myself the the impulse.

I hate my job. Waitressing is good assuming you work at the right place. It SUCKS MONKEY BALLS if you work at a place that is slowly but surely going down the turd infested toilet hole. It's also good if the people you work with have somewhat of an idea what professionalism is. Perhaps I put too much faith in the general couth of fellow waiters and management in the food industry. My bad.

And don't even get me started on sexual harrassment... and I'm not talking about patrons.

Anyway, today I woke up in a bit of pain. I have back issues and due to the load of books I commute with on the daily combined with waitressing, it's been giving me issues. Long story short, I wasn't in the mood this morning. So when I get to work and they changed my schedule, yet again, it was the last straw. I'd had it. That was it. Done. Finite. No mas.

I won't get into the legistics of this whole scenario, but let's put it this way, I know I'm better than that, therefore, I know I can DO better than that. I immediately left, got in my car, and sought a new job. Cross your fingers but I think I already got a job at an art store close to home.

The problem I've had these last few months though is the fact that I can't work in an office right now because my schedule is too friggin crazy with classes. I have to find something only on the weekends. In addition, the art store is the same place I shop at for class and I've always thought it would be a neat place to work. I figure I'm not worse off than I was at the restaurant. At least I know I'll make "X" amount of dollars every weekend. I mean I didn't even make $100 last weekend. PA-THET-IC.

Hhhmm....what else can I tell you???

As for my honey. He's ok. He listened to me today complain about work and the reasons why I left and he was understanding and supportive....once again. He's good like that and a main factor why I'm still with him. Actually it will be a year come Memorial Day weekend. Nice right? Right now if I get this new job I doubt I'll be able to take off work to see him around the end of May, as well as the wedding he invited me to in June. As much as I would love to do both, I can't. It's going to be hard to decide which trip to take. If I see him in the end of May, then I'll see him for 10 days. If I go up in June for the wedding, I'll be back in classes and will only get 3 days with him (but I'll see my Jersey friends too).

Although long distance works for me right now, it's stupid decisions like this that make it tough. Not sure if that makes sense, but I feel like I need to be really picky about the time I spend with him. I want to maximize time exposure with him because in a few years one of us has to make "the move" and I don't want ANY surprises. Ya know? Of course this is assuming that we even last that long. I'm optimistic, but a realist.

Other than that, I'm a little lonely lately. Not in the romantic sense, although I could use a little chakka chakka with my man....I mean I miss the companionship of my friends. It wasn't any one person, even though a few stick out. I simply miss all there was to do and all those people to do it with. I contemplate going back when school is over. I know I will certainly look into it and send my resume up North. One thing i've learned, everything is worth a shot.

Alright well I gotta run and do some homework if I can get motivated enough. I feel like that is all I do is work and school. Oh right...that IS all I do.

Til next time....

Guess Who's Back? Back Again????

So um….I think I’m back.

I know…I know. I’ve said this before, but I really miss it. I forgot that when I started this here blog it was because I felt alone. But this time I feel alone for a different and more positive reason. A foreign and new reason. I’m not love sick, heartbroken, or down and out. I’m making moves in my life…and I’m not talking just figuratively.

Jersey Girl moved to Atlanta, enrolled at GSU full time and will be receiving her degree (knock on wood), next summer. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m doing it. I’m living it, I’m being it, not dreaming it anymore.

Not impressed yet?

I’m dating someone good. Real good to me so far and guess what????....this relationship works for me.

Talk about change right? He lives in another state so he’s not muddling up my school schedule, taking my mind off what I have to get done here. At first it was a motivating factor to dating him, I knew there was no way I could allow a man to stop me, ever again so him not being in the same zip code sweetened the pot. Like I said, it works for me and that's all I can ask for because I’m so far into this goal of mine that when I stop to think about it, I swear it baffles me. I mean to think that it all started a few years ago as a mere passing daydream.

There is something to be said though about daydreams. If there is one thing I have learned in the last year, its that if you’re going to dream…..dream big. I am almost convinced that I’m on my way to accomplishing big things for myself just because I’ve gotten this far. Because I allowed myself to believe I could do it if I tried....I believed in myself.

It’s an absolutely wonderful feeling. I can’t describe it to you unless you’ve either tasted the same feeling or are guilty of actually achieving such goals.

I’ll go even FURTHER and state, that all those people that go on Oprah, (and I don’t care who the fuck you are, you’ve watched her and you know what she’s about). These everyday people, and even the “guru’s” go on her show to talk about great vast changes they made to their lives to achieve pretty substantial “WOW” factor goals. Well I’m believing in what they say. I believe it all. I’m sold. It’s all true, one small step leads to another small step and those steps make it up the stairs. I swear. It’s that’s simple. I can vouch for them.

HOLY SHIT!!! I sound like an infomercial. Alright I’ll stop, but yeh, I’m a believer.

Anyway, I’m a different lonely nowadays. I’m so busy with school and work that it gets lonely. I need to look for ways to deal with it again. I used to write to this blog daily and I’m going to try to start doing it again because it helped so much the first time. I have to admit though, I’m so out of it that I don’t even know if its still cool to write to a blog…..but I digress. This is for me remember? Who cares if anyone ever reads it again…..

And the award goes to.....

Once upon a time I was hurt. I was hurt bad. Everyone of course has their own battles scars, and I would not only be naive, but plain stupid to believe I was alone in that aspect. We have our own tales of woe to tell of hurt and loved lost. And everyone has that "one" experience that tips the crazy scale personally where it was really hard to get over the relationship and said lover. I've always been a strong person, I've always known I'm a survivor, but those dark days were god awful and there was a time when I didn't know how I was going to pull myself out of it. I felt like I was in a ditch looking up at the small opening of the blue skies shining above. There was hope, but it was out of reach. That lasted weeks, almost months, and now its dwindled down to mere moments not whole days. In fact its been a long long time since I've even had a "moment." In recent months I've only prided myself on how independent and happy I've been because I've looked to my friends and family for the love I thought I was missing. And it worked like a charm, I feel as if the world is my oyster and I have so much to look forward to instead of looking back on.

But damn those sappy movies that they play surrounding Valentine's Day, for last night I had a "moment." Last night I slumped and fell back into it without so much as a flinch. It overcast a deep, dark shadow seeping through my pores and sinking my soul to a dark place I had forgotten how to navigate. To remedy that, I sat and I wrote, I let it all out and purged myself so that when I stood again, I stood stronger.

Its peculiar when I have those moments and then after I've regained focus to take a look back. I feel quite silly for ever having that lapse in strength, which ultimately eludes to questioning the path in which I have chosen. Evenutally I feel stupid for allowing the hurt to creep in and wrestle with my emotions. One side of me is saying, "Be strong, suck it up, you're better than any of this." The other is saying, "let it out, just let it go." I find a happy medium if I give in to both, but its a scary fine line if it becomes all too frequent. I've learned how to face the demons that well inside and push the hurt, because I know my valiant ego will return from its vacation and take over, clearing the tears, soothing the soul and ensuring that activities resume to normal once again.

I've learned in the last year or so that its ok to let down the defenses once in a while. I've also learned that not everybody should be privy to that either. For whatever reason I've built in a defense mechanism that will only allow a few select in, a VIP to the nether world of my emotions, if you will. Its become extremely important to me not to give access to such things anymore because unfortunatly people have their own issues, no one wants to hear mine and not only that, they are too self absorbed to be of any use anyway. So here I stay, in my little club of a select few, moving on, pushing forward, doing me.

However I will admit, just this once, that I do infact miss the arms around me. I miss the warmth of another body. I miss feeling completely and totally vulnerable to another being. I miss his heartbeat. I miss feeling wanted. I miss feeling needed. I miss the inside jokes that only could bring a smile to our faces. I miss our exclusive club. I miss late night hugs. I miss yearning. I miss wanting. I miss having. I miss ownership. I miss plans. I miss dates. I miss kisses hello. I miss kisses good-bye. I miss missing.

[.....................]

In saying that, I'm scared.

I'm scared because I've closed myself. I've shut down that wing of the factory. Its a part I don't identify with anymore and wouldn't even know how to begin reopening for business. I know how to be in the thick of it, I don't know how to get there. I don't know what its like to be mooshy and in love. I can remember a time when it was so easy to fall into that, but now when I look back, its one of the shams I beat myself up over. It simply doesn't fit me. I can't do it. I don't know how. I'm retarded in love. How to act, how to be, what to say, when to say it. I don't talk that language anymore. Its foreign and unknown. There is no manual, there is no guide. I would rather push a million people away than risk being hurt even an 1/8 of how I've been hurt in the past. I couldn't endure. I couldn't survive. The expectations too high. The risk too great. Alone I stay.

You may call that being a coward, I call that self preservation. Eventually it will change I'm sure, but until then, the doors are closed.

Knowing me in the flesh you would never assume these things of me. You would never know that I have my dark moments, then again everyone does I'm sure, its human nature I guess. But who doesn't contemplate the travesties in their life? I would like to meet someone who feels that every decision they have ever made has been the right one. They deserve the Nobel Prize if they can put into words how they've accomplished that very fortunate task.

Some of my friends and family don't understand why I've conciously decided to not actively pursue "dating" right now and why I don't want to remarry, or not have children. Some scoff and tell me that "my day will come" and I say these things out of hurt. But I don't think they understand the clairty that fills me knowing that right now, its about me and no one else.

So I don't find it so odd that I feel like an actor, flitting about showing people how strong and willed I am to not allow anything in this world to get me down, and for the most part its true. But I do wear many hats and put on many different faces because sometimes its just easier to give them what they want. Its a show and...... "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players."

With Arms Wide Open

People have been known to avoid it like the plague, others are in denial and some make little notice. It has been known to advocate anxiety or instill fear of death, literally, but I have decided to embrace it with arms wide open. I will welcome what others deny and cherish what others shun for this past Sunday yours truly entered into a new chapter in life, on February 4th, 2006, I, Meredith Nicole [insert very Italian last name here] turned 30.

GASP! The horror!!!!

I fully admit there is a sadness that comes with not being able to say you’re still in your twenties, it’s the closing of a time when you thought that’s all you had…..time. It’s the end to what you’ll lovingly refer to as your “youth” and also the realization you are fully an adult. No more fucking up, its truly time to shit or get off the pot.

Turning 30 means so many different things to so many people. You have your business savvy individuals who are full swing into their careers and then you have your loafers who are just getting by. Then there are people like me, who have done everything bassackwards and are making up for lost time. For some women its about a biological clock, for some men it’s a perpetual bachelor existence they have clenched. For me its about me.

My twenties were chock full of events and I won’t forget the valuable lessons I learned. I traveled a bit, I loved a lot, I hurt even more. There are things I went through that most never see in a life time and I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy….well maybe that’s a lie. The thing is, I made a conscious effort to learn from each mistake/event and I have exemplified that very side in all that I have done thus far. Sure I’m still making mistakes, I’m the least perfect person I know, but I’ve never looked back and only feel that the doors that have been opened will only keep on opening.

For whatever reason I feel this is the most complete I’ve ever been. I make decisions based on a gut feeling or a nice mixture of brain and heart, but I will not allow myself to be ruled by others emotions. I’m not here to make anyone happy but myself. Somehow, someway I lost that focus in my early twenties and it only flooded into the latter portion of that decade, a malady I will not replicate.

The freedom that I feel, the independence that bores through is exceptionally satisfying. Unless you have been there, then what I am saying is completely off kilter for you and you would not understand. I feel as if the world is my oyster and everything that has happened to me has been an education. I look forward to my thirties because this is the time to do everything I have ever wanted to do, whether its sky diving in Pennsylvania, or scuba diving in Bermuda - I'm doing it all and nothing will stop me this time around. There is a nice calm that has settled within, a balance that was never there before.

Its true though, my life has gone in reverse, my twenties were about everyone else, my thirties will be about me. I'm not exactly sure where I was going with all of this. Perhaps it was an update, perhaps I just needed to say out loud that I'm happy. Finally. Maybe next time I can update on the Atlanta move.....oooo nice.

The Casino Of Love

If dating were a game, I would have to say its craps because I'm always coming up snack eyes.

Let's discuss…..

Take love in general….lets say that "love" is a casino and we are all roped in by the lights, glitz and the pizzazz. The casino calls our names willing us and convincing the nether regions of our brains that we too can win if we're willing to gamble. So we concede and head inside with deep pockets and high hopes wishing for the best, praying for jackpot!

We enter the playing field looking at all our options and our eyes bulge at the infinite possibilities - the slot machines, the roulette table, poker, black jack and craps. We gush with anticipation, our palms get sweaty, we have a twinge of nervousness, but we're here so we suck it up because its go hard or go home. There is a reason we have stepped into the war zone of love, we're in it to win it. We continue our stroll around the area getting an idea of what we want and how we'll approach it, since you always need a game plan otherwise it will be over before you know it.

We split up and some of us head straight for the slots plopping down in one spot. Rookie mistake. See, the players on each wheel contained within that slot machine symbolize the same players in your life, it's a matter of coming up with the right combination that will heed any results. Most relationships are like the slots and its not a place I prefer to be. They are the never ending cycle of obtuse mundaneess that comes with a stale relationship. There isn't anything exciting about it, the players never change and it takes too many tries to get it right and hit pay dirt. We see the same people in our lives circle about us in different combinations and until that little bell goes DING DING DING CHA CHING – its not worth it. It's the more relaxed approach to dating I guess. Unfortunately too many of us get stuck on the slots because it is the most comfortable. Only a few of us are lucky enough to find the right arrangement thus leaving us to settle for lesser amounts of riches and hop off eventually for another machine. Too boring with little results.

An upgrade to the vicious rotation of the slots would be the roulette table. Ahhhhhh we think the roulette table is more fun and an easy game to play. We approach it thinking that all we have to do is spin the wheel, place the bet and if we win, we're happy. However, this too is another relationship falsehood. Roulette represents those who are already in a relationship whether long term dating, engagement or marriage. The partnership is controlled by numbers. Ever notice when you are in a relationship on any level, dates of events just seem to go round and round, every weekend is another something or other to attend – parties, birthdays, confirmations, weddings, dinner's with family – it doesn't matter what the ball lands on, the ball still has to get back on that wheel for the next number to be called. However, roulette does give us more betting/variety options, thus many keep coming back to it.

I categorize Black Jack, Poker and Texas hold 'em in the same bundle because they are card games with the dealer holding the cards, but the player making the bets. See as women we tend to lay our cards out on the table, providing the playing field and arena for a prospering relationship. We say, this is what we have, now lets see what you do with it. Unfortunately the guy displays a poker face, doesn't allow anyone to know what he's holding and will only bet on a sure thing. This is not to say that the roles aren't reversed, but the dealer will keep spitting out cards as long as they are wanted or required, but when all bets are final, it's a hold of the breath, a rub of the lucky rabbits foot and one man who is always left standing. These are usually the fastest relationships because one or the other is never satisfied.

But its craps that I'm most fascinated with and the spark to which I write this post. I see the craps table as the aggressive dating game. It's the pool to which all the active singles are drawn. It's the fad of dating, the online match site, the bars and the clubs, its the speed dating and the blind dates – all the things we try when we are actively searching for love….or sex. You keep rolling the dice over and over again, everyone is excited because everyone has something to lose or gain, and you keep rolling that dice until you win REAL big, or time runs out and its craps. Depending on how much you bet, or the rush of the game, depends on how long you stay at this table, but unfortunately, it's a tiring fast pace game that most get spent on quickly. It takes a certain type of persona to keep up this pace. I know this for fact as I too have tried the craze but I'm not much of a gambler – shit I lose $20 and I'm screaming poverty.

The casino of love is something we inevitably will visit, but the games we play will decide the outcome and how lucky (in love) we will be. It is a gamble, a gamble that we will not be fortunate in the riches that may be obtained, the goal to which we strive may never be acquired. We gamble by placing ourselves out there, money is our feelings and we spend them willingly hoping we make a profit in return. Logic and game plans are always a plus, but luck isn't systematic, it strikes when it pleases.

Boston Massacre 2006

Saying I am a free spirit is probably an understatement – saying that I am the most fun, might be more on target. For those who read this site and have had the pleasure of knowing me in person and had the privilege of raising a glass or five over some good stories and loud music can attest to the fact - you'll never have a bad time in my presence….its something I can pride myself upon. Everybody has their "thing" – me? I'm go with the flow, up for anything and never in a bad mood.

Stop laughing its true.

There are times though when even me, Meredith, the Best from East, the Wild Crazy Beast, must sit one out…..and it is due to one event in particular that I must now bow out for a smidgen of time and begin to retire because I bring a new meaning to the words Boston Massacre.

A brief foreground to this momentous occasion is that Jannette, Francesca, Marianna and myself headed up to Boston for the weekend. Why? ….more like - Why not? Friday we get there about 9:30 a.m. and hit the ground running doing the site seeing thing when I remember my friend Matty Slo happens to be from Boston and sure enough – he's there and ready to party. VERY LONG STORY SHORT – we meet up with him and some friends and the fun begins…..three bars, about a hundred Sam Adams and countless shots later, I'm not remembering much and standing upright is becoming burdensome…..

[Side note: for those who have partied with me, I can hold my own, I have never ever been "that girl" but this was past my breaking point fo sho and besides, there is a first for everything…..]

We leave the bar and bid farewell to the lovely male liquor providers. Noticing that Francesca, Jannette and Marianna are boarding a bus, I join them on what I think is our ride home. Nope - not happening - the visions of sugar plums dancing in my head were not to be mine just yet. Instead we have embarked on a Party Bus that will be giving us our own private tour of Boston. What you need to know, and what I didn't know at the time was:

(a) my friends knew the people running the tour
(b) it wasn't a real tour, these guys just took the bus for after hours fun (one is a manager of the company)
(c) the bus driver, was not a real bus driver

Uh yeh…….

Off we go, putt-putting about town, music blaring, disco ball spinning, strobe lights glaring, beers are being passed around like herpes on a whore. I'm in the front of the bus with the bus driver perched upon a speaker/console – its all good – I'm friggin Captain Carl man!!!! I got this on lock as co-pilot. Using a friend's phone, peering out of only one eye……you know…..for better focus, I begin texting other friends what a great time we're having when suddenly the bus stops….but it stops HARD and then there goes Mer…..bumbling down the stairs like a Ragity Anne Doll.

Ouch.

Like a true champ I get back up, I've bumped my head and I have a small cut under my eye, but again, its all good because I'm alive, not hurting bad and we're having a good time. I'm not a kill a joy….oh no, I'm the maker of joy, the Kris Kringle if you will of good times, a silly little cut is not stopping me nor will I allow it to hinder the happiness of my friends. HELL TO THE NO…..stopping now would be blasphemous.

Back in my co-pilot's seat (no I didn't learn), we move onward and the bus begins to slow down and pull over on a bridge/highway allowing us all to pile out and look at the beautiful Boston skyline. All is well and we're happy, however, due to the fact that I have fallen once and I'm injured, it has become my duty to brainstorm like a drunken champ because it has occurred to me, after about a good 45 minutes, that I don't seem to know these people who we're with.

Bonnie Braniac over here decides to start using the phone again texting my good friends Anthony and Gerard – one gets a picture of my eye, the other, the license plate of the vehicle we were in. Uh yeh…..come on….give a drunk girl a break, I thought I was doing some CSI bullshit. In return I got frantic replies of "OMG Mer where are you? What is going on? Are you ok?" To which I tried to alleviate concerns but I highly doubt that was accomplished as I had the attention span of gnat at that point, but I digress…… After I climbed back over the guard rail and enjoy the scenery with everyone else, we decide to load ourselves back on the bus and head out.

Guard rail???? Highway???? WTF????

Again Coked-up Carl is at the helm lunging the bus forward with the tenacity of a Nascar driver barreling through the streets of Boston clearly on a mission, when all of a sudden, the bus jerks even harder than earlier while rounding a corner…..this time a few more people fall down on each other piling up like a short stack of pancakes, but when they get back up…..Mer is back down the stairs again. This time though, I just laid there taking a mental inventory of what condition I was in before I moved. I knew right away, I had chipped a tooth and I had bitten my lip so hard I was swallowing copious amounts of blood.

Nice.

Hands reach out to grab me, but bad ass that I am, I put up my hand in the STOP formation, wave everyone off, get back up and well I don't remember quite much else because I think the brain swelling began at that point…however I do believe I finally cried. Everyone was a little shook up and it was at last, time to go home. I do remember disembarking the bus and turning to the guys and uttering to them, "I'm not paying for this ride and neither are any of my friends for that fact." I think Marianna wrapped her arm around me and ushered me back in the hotel…..I think.

The next day the girls wake up to find they are sharing a room with Rocky Balboa, hey I call it like I see it and I got a little messed up the night before. Of course in my twisted world, I found most of the stories funny because we start re-telling the events of the evening before and it continues to get worse:

Me: "I hope none of you paid for that ride last night. I told them I wasn't paying."

Jannette: "Mer, we knew those guys."

Me: "We did? When did we meet them? I don't remember meeting them."

Francesca: "You were off somewhere, it was in the last bar."

Me: "Oh man, that rips it."

Marianna: "If we ever hear that term again……Mer you were yelling YOU RIP IT to everyone in the last bar."

Me: "I was??? When was I doing that?"

Francesca: "Just after we ordered the food."

Me: "There was FOOD!?!? When was there FOOD?"

Oh boy.

Segundo

Two days off and I feel no better, what the fuck is that all about? I took pity on myself and took two days off thinking that would help to rejuvenate my mind, body and soul….looks like I need more than two days off. Urgh….

Last week I gave an update about work and whatnot…now its family time.

My mother, for anyone who is wondering, is doing great. Her surgery was a success and from what they can tell she’s cancer free….although they will be doing a set of radiation treatments just in case. I love the fact that she’s being treated where I work too since I know everyone in the cancer field here – good stuff, makes me happy. Plus in a weird way this is good for mom. Let me explain before you are like WTF? My mother puts everyone ahead of herself….like most moms…but its to a point that she is getting seriously frustrated. My grandmother (her mother) is going more and more senile as the days go on, she’s always confused, she’s lonely and a bit depressed. My mother is the only one who takes care of my grandmother and the burden is really getting to her. Its very sad to see the exchange between them and its hard to accept because this is confirmation of the end of an era.

My father, well he’s a typical dad, but something isn’t right with him either…he lives more in the past than the present thinking that things will change on their own instead of opting to make those changes himself. Not good. He's overwhelmed with no direction to get out and I think he's a bit depressed, I think the regression into his own world helps him escape and not deal with this one. We don’t know if it’s the onset of an illness, general old age or what but it scares us all the same and is becoming more of encumbrance and embarrassment to my mother than anything. We have tried to talk to him but he’s old school so its hard to get him to understand.

These things stress my mother out so having a good prognosis with cancer and getting the added attention is good for her in a way because the focus is on her. I try to talk to my mom everyday for at least 15 minutes to see how SHE is doing, not everyone else. I try…I really do but unfortunately sometimes I can’t listen to it all, it brings me down more than I already am. I'm there for her though, don't get me wrong, its just not an easy time for any of us.

My sister is still moving to Atlanta, last I heard my brother-in-law will start commuting between Atlanta and Jersey in January. It makes me very sad that they will be moving away from me, but there isn’t much I can do about it. My parents will follow them once they are settled and that will leave me with a decision to make. Do I go to Atlanta, stay in Jersey or use this opportunity to move someplace adventurous like San Francisco, San Diego, NYC….or travel? Oh that would lovely and worth it all.

This is the first time in my life I have so many choices….normally the choices would excite me and to some extent they do but I feel lost at the same time. I feel lost since I don’t’ know what I want…there is no man to hold me back and base decisions on, my family will certainly give me advice and want me to come with them, however, I feel this is the first time the decision is mine for the taking. That’s kind of sad to admit, but it is what it is. Plus I’m not crazy about my job and the money isn’t the best - I could be getting so much more so why not try something different? What’s the worst that can happen – fail? I’m petrified of debt so as long as I can keep my head above water I should be good no?

Its all up in air right now and it should be interesting to see what the next course of action will be. I really want to think this out and make sure I make the best decision for me….one that will satisfy my love of life and innate curiosities about the world and what it has to offer. I'm looking for a decision that will be bring me the happiness I’m searching for, the calmness of self in which I want to thrive. This is all part of the pressure I place on my cramped cranium, I don’t want to fuck up anymore, I want to excel and be the person I’ve always dreamt of being.

An attempt is being made, the long arduous road lies ahead of me with no end in site. I feel like every aspect of my life is a winding underground tunnel with no light shining brightly. But don't worry I know this road I'm traveling will produce soon, I just have to make sure I'm making the right choices when I come to the forks in the road. Ones that will make me as happy as I deserve. I put a lot of pressure on myself and I have to remember to take it easy sometimes since there is an awful lot going on. I want to be the person my 12 year old self thought I would be when I grew up...I want to make that child happy.

La Primera

This is part one of what I think is going to be a three, perhaps four part series of me trying to convey to you what the hell is going on in each area of my life. I’m doing this for my own good to take each portion and pick it apart to help me understand what I can do to make me happier because shit doesn’t seem to be happening on its own.

Here we go:

The Job

It’s a fact, my job is easy. I went from being an Administrative Assistant working for three high and mighty Directors in a very fast paced office to a hidey-ho snail step position as an Executive Secretary…..this job does and does not blow big monkey pole for varying reasons.

Why my job doesn’t suck.
I do nothing. I answer a few phone calls, I keep my boss’ calendar. I put him in touch with the right people, I help him with his computer questions, because the man has no clue when it comes to the computer. Sometimes I get to make him a haircut appointment and plan some business travel – oh the fun. Trust me though, when its busy and he’s on fire –lookout, my job gets trying and the bullshit flies. However, I like my boss, he’s a pretty serious dude with a high position here, but he also knows how to laugh and make light of a situation. He knows how to be politically correct with the big wigs and he certainly knows his stuff. At his level, one would think I should be a shit-load busier than I am, but I’m not.

At first I didn’t mind the fact that life was pretty easy going. I put in 8 years doing menial work and being someone’s whipping boy, because let’s face it, when you are a secretary, you’re the first person in the line of fire when the shit hits the fan. Its not fun being the first bulls eye when the boss wants answers. I am paid to think two steps ahead of my boss should occasion arise…they want answers, its my job to find them. It wasn't always easy and thus the reason why this job was cake when I first arrived on the scene. Plus now that school has begun, I can use my down time for bits of studying. Not all that bad.

Why my job sucks
I do nothing. I’m so bored sometimes that I have to create ways of keeping myself busy. I’ve read blogs, I’ve paid bills, made appointments, chatted on the phone, sent a few thousand emails…..I follow my boss like a puppy dog looking for a scrap of work. And before you start thinking I’m a lazy ass, know this, I’ve told him I’m bored. I’ve attempted asking for more work, but alas, nothing has changed. It is what it is.

Its also escalating my laziness…I get out of here, and I’m actually tired from doing nothing!!! WTF??? My autonomy sucks here and I feel that the laziness is affecting me all around. Laziness leads to mistakes and I don’t make mistakes….at least not when my reputation is involved.

I don’t feel like I have a crucial role in any of the work for this department and I feel left out of the loop 90% of the time, where before I was an integral part in the grand scheme of running the department. I miss having a position where I would trouble shoot and give answers multitasking to my hearts content. I feel that I have way too much talent and “know how” to be wasted away here. My brain is slowly going to mush - I’m afraid that once I do in fact find another job, my go getter attitude will be diminished.

My good friend B actually said “Too bad you couldn’t find a way to make more money while at work.” Good thinking B and if I knew the first thing about stocks and trading, I’d be all over it.

Oh and the pay is ….let’s just say it leaves something to be desired. I make good money, no doubt, but do I make what people in my position make in the outside world? No. Money is a big key factor here. I stated the pay is not all that great – better than minimum wage by far, don’t get me wrong, but if I were to work elsewhere my increase in pay would be at minimum another $5-7,000. We are a non-profit organization so the pay is never competing, however, I do have job security and good benefits…. You can’t sneeze at something like that in this day and age.

Here I am at a crossroads of sorts. I have a good job, decent pay but I’m bored to tears. I want a job that I’m happy to do that challenges me on a daily basis, but I’d be stupid to give it up right now since it affords me the luxury of study time (and tuition-reimbursement). I have been contemplating and weighing these things on a daily basis. Can I sit here for the next 3+ years doing this day in and day out while I wait to finish my degree? Will I survive the boredom?

This is one of the tunnels that I face. I picture in my mind each tunnel I choose there is no end, no light. Each tunnel represents another facet of my life – relationships, family, friends, work, etc….and each one is overwhelmingly dark and quiet making me feel more and more discouraged all the time. I feel alone now – I haven’t talked to anyone about how I’ve been feeling, thus why I have an urge to write again to this blog – even if it is a boring amount of drivel.