Death to Smoochy

Sleep did not come easily last night. I'm sitting here bleary eyed and cranky. For those who know me, when Mer is cranky, LOOK OUT! I did start to fall asleep at about 10, but that idiot Sean called me and woke me up. HE DOESN"T GET THE HINT. When a girl doesn't automatically call you back, that's one hint. When she purposely calls you back on your home line when you've told her to call your cell - that's another hint. Third, when she says that things are hectic and she'll call you - that should be the final hint. What an idiot. I didn't think he was that stupid, but apparently I'm wrong about a lot of things.

I'd like to start though with the fact that I didn't go to meet Tucker Max. Yes we exchanged information and I was supposed to meet him at 8:00 at "The Falls" in the city, but I completely chickened out. I really have no place trying to run with the big dogs. That's not me and I shouldn't pretend it is. I was curious, I wanted adventure and excitement - something that is non-existent in my mundane life. I apologize to him for getting his hopes up. Then again I'm sure he had about 50 other hot broads there to choose from, I would have been another drop in the bucket. What does that say about me if I haul my cookies to meet some dude who writes about all the f*cked up shit he does to women? I still think he rocks, don't get me wrong and should I have contacted him a few months down the road, well that would have been an interesting post to say the least. It still would have been fun though.

Second, despite what has been written in the last few days, I really am a good girl. I'm a kick ass time, don't get me wrong, anyone who has ever spent at least 5 minutes with me will attest to that. I can have fun in a phone booth. But still, I'm a nice girl with a brain and I don't want anyone to have the perception that I sleep around because I don't. I can count the men I've been intimate with on one hand. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll still find my way into plenty of trouble this summer, but living on the edge just isn't me - or at least I don't think it is.

After this week's, this very fast week's, events, I've actually figured something out. Something on the road to my self discovery. I do want a relationship. I want that familiar feeling like an old pair of shoes. Meeting random dudes just isn't for me.

Also I think that Marcus is completely out of the picture. Which is sad because I genuinely liked him and wanted to get to know him. It could very well all be my fault, that I'll never know. I told him about my blog. I told him that I try to be honest and if that's not something he can deal with, well too bad. Guess that was strike one. Second, I told him I wasn't sure what I was capable of as far as a relationship goes. If Marcus really did like me, then he's only protecting himself. I understand that, but what I should have said was that I wasn't sure what I was capable of, but I would be willing to explore options as long as we had understandings and kept it real. Third, I'm a ball of fun, I don't stop once I get started. Really, once you ignite the laughter, forget 'bout it, I'm all over the place. Now mix that with a sexy broad and well you have nothing but disaster. Some guys can't handle that, they think they want that, but it can make them extremely uncomfortable. I don't think it was that though.

I can also come off a bit strong. I guess you could say I'm a tease, but that's not my intention - shut up Merni. Seriously, we fooled around the other night, nothing major though - maybe that's what turned him off. Not sure. But I'm not going to analyze, I've already spent too much time on him. Too bad because I really liked smooching him.

I'm a silly girl who doesn't know what she wants. I'm just going with the flow, trying to create a new life and some new friends. I can get out of hand sometimes and I'm learning to take a step back to regain control. If I want to meet someone decent, someone with money and a conscience, then I can't be trolling around messing up my head with stupid boys.

And that's all I'm gonna say 'bout dat.