Fuck It. Right?

Fuck it, I'm going to talk about him right now.

Robbie and I met on MySpace. He hit me up on an email and there was something in the email and his profile that just kind of tickled my fancy so I replied. Not thinking much of him or even where it was all going, we continued to chat via email every few days and then finally I gave him the digits.

Our first phone conversation - good god that was hysterical. Now I'm not one to do the whole "me too" thing - you know what I'm talking about "I love dark chocolate." "Oh yeh, me too...." but we did seem to have a lot in common when we would speak about things that we've done in our lives and shit like that. I mean, I felt as if I have known him my whole life, that's how easy the phone call was.

Finally, after chatting for a good two weeks, we decided on a date to meet. Before I go any further, I need to say that I didn't talk to him EVERY day. Nope, it was every few days, but it wasn't a bother to me, I had other fellas to keep me occupied (and I still do). So we meet up for drinks at a mutual location and it was probably one of the best dates I've ever had. I mean, we laughed so hard, we talked so much, he gave me "signals" that us women hold in reserve for you men - you know, the slight touch on the hand, coy smiles, the offhand beauty comments - those things, so now I'm grooving on him major and I don't want to be cocky, but the feelings were reciprocated.

After this first place we decided to meet up with a few friends of mine from work - he's all for it. We go up there, we have a few drinks and before you know it, the bar is closing and we have to leave. At this point I've had a few too many (shocker), but I'm not trashed or even close to it, I just shouldn't drive. So we head on back to his place (don't worry, intuition told me it was ok - no creepy vibes AT ALL) and to make a long story short, I wind up staying over.

This is another thing I liked about him....I didn't have to tell him I was a good girl, he automatically treated me like one. He made sure that I was taken care of, he took precautions to make sure I felt safe and he didn't try any hanky panky.

Well that's kind of a lie.

We are laying there in bed - facing one another and we're talking, because we can't seem to shut the fuck up, and that's when he kissed me ever so gently. Yes, this was one of those cute first kisses, sweet, tender, and just right. He pulls away and I smile my Kool Aid smile so he comes back for more. We wind up doing a little smooching, but nothing crazy....each time ending with me smiling like I won the Miss America crown and he even says how much he likes it when I smile. All together now......Aaaawwwwwww.......

Onward.

Anyway, (sorry I got swept up in the moment), we wind up kissing and talking until 4 a.m. - uh yeh. We sleep nuzzled up together (he snores), and its just....nice. Its been awhile since I slept next to a man, so I throughly enjoyed it. Next morning he had to be up at 8 - but we stayed in bed until 10. It happens. BUT NO HANKY PANKY - nice.

That night (Saturday) he has a bachelor party and I'm thinking to myself - "there is no way I'm hearing from him today" - but sure enough he calls me from the slot machines in Atlantic City just to say hi and even continues to text me from then on. Ok. Cool.

Now this dude is busy, like super busy, yet I hear from him at least once a day via email, text or a phone call....but my gut is telling me that he's not that interested. You're thinking to yourself -"MER YOU IDIOT, HE'S CONTACTING YOU EVERYDAY - What else do you want?" - and I'll answer that for you. I want a substantial phone call or at least I want one of his wonderful compliments that he so easily threw at me before. I want to know that he is in fact that interested in me. I want to know that the Friday we spent together, was not a fluke. Does that make sense?

I'm not going to see him this weekend either - he has a rehearsal dinner and a wedding and then its back to the hectic schedule his life seems to lead. I'm wondering if I even fit in because if he was that interested, wouldn't he talk of seeing me again? Then again, 10 minutes into the date he was calling for another one. I'm just a little confused because one minute I'm thinking he's not into me and then the next I'm hearing from him....but nothing substantial. Good lord I hate dating.

The Tard Bus is fired up and I’m at the wheel. All aboard!!!!

Seriously, that’s how I feel. I’ve never dated and now the insecurities are coming at me ten fold. I can’t take it and I hate that I’m allowing it all to get to me. I hate it all. I want to profusely apologize when there is no need at all….that’s how insecure I am about the whole thing. I think I was happier when I just shot men down or I just wasn't hit on at all.

Its leaving me a little discouraged and I'm not used to this. Part of me is like FUCK IT. Screw him and move on....which is the way I'm headed anyway because I can't waste time on this shit - that and I had another date last night and I have one after work - but that's neither here nor there.

Yet I can't help the part of me thats says, "it was such an awesome date!" I guess my plan of action is just not to have a plan at all. Let the cards lie were they fall and leave it at that. Ball is in his court - yesterday he did say we were going to see each other again, but that was before I drunk dialed him last night.....he asked for the drunk dial so I obliged. I'm an ASSHOLE. All together now - aaaasssssshooooolllllleeeee. I don't think I said anything wrong - but you know what??? - those that know me and love me, love my drunk dials - if I ever speak to him again after this, I'm going to propose to him right away. Well maybe not.

Fuck it right?