A La No More

Out of all the possible scenarios I had come up with, all the prep, the talk, the worry - it didn't go quite like I expected.....at all. But nothing ever goes as expected for Mer....remember?

Every day, three times a day Jake and I spoke. Once in the morning, once in the afternoon and then before going to bed. I don't know how we ever got into that whole schedule, but its what has happened every day for the last few weeks. Yesterday I never heard from him.....all day. I took it as a sign and I took it as a door to approach him and talk to him about the doubt and eventual break up....it was my in, my foot in the door. I was going to say something along the lines of, "You must be upset with me if I didn't hear from you all day....yadda yadda yadda" and then go into the whole, "this isn't working" bit.

By 7:00 p.m. I had not heard a word and I bit the bullet and called him. We spoke for a few minutes and he began by telling me how awful his day was and how little sleep he got that night. So I asked him flat out - "Was it because of me?" To which he didn't reply, instead he said it was a bunch of stuff.

I'm not one to kick a man when he's down. I tried to cheer him up, I kept the conversation light and then got off the phone so he could eat dinner with the agreement he would call me back after 9.

He does in fact call me back and again, I'm not going to bring it up, it would have been mean of me to do that. I do care for him, just not the same way he cares about me....but still. Anyway, we talk some more, normal banter, nothing serious and then I get off the phone with him because I'm falling on my face trying to keep my eyes open. We say good night and end it.

Or so I thought.

Two minutes later he calls back and asks me, "Do you not want to talk to me anymore?"

This I swear is like from left field.....but when opportunity knocks.....

I answered him truthfully and sincerely,

"Yes, but I have to be honest. I wanted to talk to you tonight about something that has been on my mind. We didn't see each other this weekend and it gave me a little time to reflect on some stuff. I told you that in the beginning I wasn't ready for a relationship, yet you and I somehow fell into one. I'm really trying to make better changes in my life and I'm trying to figure out how to create an equilibrium for both you and my life. I'll admit, distance does have a factor in all of this."

"Mer you could of just told me."

"Well I wanted to talk to you and I was all set to do so tonight, but you called me in this foul mood - and I can't kick a man when he's down. You just don't do that. - Listen, I like you, I think you are wonderful and I know you'll never hurt me, but there is a but and there shouldn't be one. I will never be able to reciprocate the things you say and do and that's not fair to you. You deserve a lot more than what I can give you. Its not fair to you."

That's how it went down. He told me I could have spoken to him, but he felt like I was blowing him off - that caught me off guard because how was I blowing him off if I spoke to him every day like three to four times a day? But its his perception I guess.

I wish I could tell you all that I feel bad...I do, I feel bad about hurting him, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn't happy it was all over. For right now, it feels right to be single.....I can't explain it, but its just right. When it happens, it happens.

To have continued dating him just to fill a void I was going through would have been mean and cruel. I did care for him, but not at the same capacity he cared for me. I wish him nothing but the best. I hope he finds someone deserving of his love.

And we're back in the saddle again......