Misunderstood

This….this is me. Today’s post is about yours truly….I’m letting you in, look at my soft pink underbelly….be gentle, its exposed for a rare moment.

There is such a thing as a mistake, there is such a thing as a misunderstanding and there is such a thing as truly apologizing. These aren’t vast epic myths, they do in fact happen.

Misunderstandings are the lack of communication. I am a communications major, I want to write, I want to produce and create. Telling me I can’t have my say is like telling me I can’t breathe. It’s the most frustrating thing for me if I can’t connect with another individual that I am interacting with. Sure there are stupid ignoramuses that you can’t help, but if you’re my friend, or someone I am dating, if I can’t speak my word, forget it….call me Crank Sinatra. I try, I make attempts, I look at it from every angle and I aim with earnest to get you to see my point. I’ll draw a diagram, I’ll write a letter, I’ll speak until I’m blue in the face, Oh my God, my friend Phil’s wine parties are perfect examples, we’ve almost attacked each other from across the table, but in the end, we concede to realize each other has a valid point. (Loving you Phil).

This is the most important thing to me, being understood and conveying my message so that you say, “Gotchya.” I pride myself on being able to bond with another individual, its gratifying that I know that we talk, that we see eye to eye on all different levels, not just basic fundamentals of hello how are you.

Recently I was misunderstood to the point of tears…literally. I felt like my legs and arms were tied, my mouth taped shut, my breathing felt shallow, a lifeline cut. I can’t help anyone’s perception of me, especially when not given the opportunity to explain further. I don’t like it when people play judge and jury without a trial and evidence. Its happened at work plenty of times, but personally it’s a rare occurrence, thus making it harder to chew. Its exasperating and energy zapping, fortunate for me I have patience and lots of it. I bide my time and I wait….dust settles, tempers go down and then I can speak. I wont’ fight, I refuse to because it gets you no where.

After you’ve been put through the ringer, lied to, cheated on, wounded, dragged through pits of despair, you become jaded and believing the best in someone doesn’t happen ever again. So sad because it becomes second nature to push away rather than accept. Disheartening because the good doesn’t prevail over the wicked processes of the brain, the conscious overcomes the subconscious….negativity dominates the good stuff resulting in loss that wasn’t needed or ever wanted. Why believe the good when its so much easier to believe the bad? Unfortunately that’s what happens….your sentimentality disintegrates thus throwing up that “wall” I keep talking about in previous posts. Its scary because you can throw up a wall against the wrong person because all the other times you’ve thought “this is it” – it didn’t quite pan out, hurt was eminent.

Sigh…..

Communication is important, it has to occur. I said the other day, you have to build a good foundation and make sure there is upkeep to maintain a healthy relationship, but if the communication is lacking, then that foundation crumbles like it was infested with termites….it won’t happen right away, but slowly it will rot. Sometimes the damage has been done and that conscious decision to walk away can’t be retracted – is it pride? Could it be hurt? Laziness? Perhaps we didn’t care enough to begin with? Is it a ferocious cycle that we can’t break? I mean we all have our patterns, one can only wonder and most won’t take the time to recognize.

In today’s society its hard enough to find your own little piece of self amongst the mucky muck of civilization. Being able to acknowledge, forgive and forget becomes second to self-gratification because the certainty of being right is that great. Being misunderstood winds up being something you have to swallow despite great efforts to prove otherwise. This time I have to take my own advice, the same advice I gave “George” and my friend Nicole, it blows big monkey pole, but I concede defeat and lay the issue to rest.

So sad because that’s not what I wanted, but then again, we don’t always get what we want in life now do we?