Mood Swing

Foul mood today and I don't know why. Ever wake up and just want to punch someone in the head? That's me today and I can't figure it out. The weekend was pretty chill - never got to see my band though which was big bummer.

Trixie's friend was in from California and instead of seeing her Friday night, plans were changed to Saturday night. I'm not a jerk and I know the band will be playing again at some point in time, so we switched plans. It wasn't THAT big of a deal, but the plans for Saturday night were a little "off" to say the least and nothing worked out well. We literally bar hopped for the better part of the night - 3 different clubs - 3 completely separate towns and 3 unnrelated crowds of friends. Good stuff. That made up for the loss of the band - and I got to dance at the last of the three so that was an extra bonus - that and the fact that the manager let us bypass the $20 cover - SUPER BONUS - and some dude bought us drinks without even talking to us - FUCKING A. If I didn't get to drink and dance, then I would have gone ape shit - but alas, that did not happen.

Funny story, Trixie and I saw two people at the last club we knew from work - let's call them Frick and Frack. Well. Frick is so up Trixie's ass it ain't funny. I didn't know Frack, but he works here and he was all up on my shit too.

Here's the thing: Men. If you can't dance, DON'T WASTE MY TIME. DO NOT try to keep up if you are part of the rhythmless nation. I'm good, but I can't carry on the dance duo if you can't deal. Ok, that said, this big ox named Frack, did in fact try to dance with me and I gave him an audition and fail he did. He tried to pull the bullshit on me that he can salsa and shit, but who fucking cares when the club is playing Hip Hop? Spare me. Paalease. Of course when Trixie herself got frustrated and turned to me to dance, I took the open opportunity and continued on my way. Well. Frack did NOT like that. So much so that he sulked - a 30 year old man sat there in the corner and actually fucking sulked. You know what affect that has on me? - I LAUGH AT YOU!!! Pansy - stay home if you can't take rejection. TO GOD DAMN FUNNY. Gets better, Frick wanted to stay and chill and cozy up to Trixie. Not happening. You know why - because A) Trixie wasn't interested and B) Frack was so upset that I wouldn't dance with him, he made Frick leave early. Frack was his ride. One word to describe both men. Pussy.

I'm on the hunt for a real man. He doesn't need to build me a house with his bare hands, but he's got to know when not to take my shit. Kenny did that - he allowed me - to an extent (long story which I will post eventually because its just too good) throw my princess shit around. Ted never ever allowed that to happen - I could NEVER get away with anything - thus making him strong and manly in my eyes. B is this way and one of my friends that I met through blogging is the same way. Doesn't take my shit and gives great advice - Good stuff - he knows who he is.

Where were we? Oh the weekend, right. I did in fact see Ted and I want you ALL to be happy to know this....seeing him and having his friendship has indeed given me closure. I talked to Trixie about this the other day and if I lost touch with him again, I'd be super fine. No more worrying about what if, no more thinking about him and comparing other men to him. You know why? Because besides the evident problems we had due to his "issues" - there are other things that would still drive me crazy. One thing that stands out more now than ever - he's smart, like street smart, pretty fast and quick witted, but there is still the "Duh" factor from all the drugs- he has no culture and his lack of real intelligence when it comes to anything substantial is a downfall. Too bad because he's still hot. But I digress.

All in all, I'm happy with my decisions. I'll still be his friend, he'll always have a place in my heart, but it won't and can't be in that capacity. That makes me feel more independent and happy than anything that has happened in a long time.

I can be alone. I can be me. I don't need to have any men in my life whether dating, sleeping with, flirting with - none. Me..... Me alone.

One word: Beautiful.

I found strength through obstacles and pain. I found it - I knew it was there lurking in the shadows. My journey of course is still not complete, lots to do and change still. It hit me this morning that I don't want to do this job much longer. Although my job is cool, its not what I love and its not where I should be. I'm going to get back into the swing of things. Paperwork is not me. I'll figure something out, not sure what though. Just not this.

You know what? I feel a little better now. I'll still ring someone's neck if they cross me of course, but my general mood is actually better. Thanks.