La Primera

This is part one of what I think is going to be a three, perhaps four part series of me trying to convey to you what the hell is going on in each area of my life. I’m doing this for my own good to take each portion and pick it apart to help me understand what I can do to make me happier because shit doesn’t seem to be happening on its own.

Here we go:

The Job

It’s a fact, my job is easy. I went from being an Administrative Assistant working for three high and mighty Directors in a very fast paced office to a hidey-ho snail step position as an Executive Secretary…..this job does and does not blow big monkey pole for varying reasons.

Why my job doesn’t suck.
I do nothing. I answer a few phone calls, I keep my boss’ calendar. I put him in touch with the right people, I help him with his computer questions, because the man has no clue when it comes to the computer. Sometimes I get to make him a haircut appointment and plan some business travel – oh the fun. Trust me though, when its busy and he’s on fire –lookout, my job gets trying and the bullshit flies. However, I like my boss, he’s a pretty serious dude with a high position here, but he also knows how to laugh and make light of a situation. He knows how to be politically correct with the big wigs and he certainly knows his stuff. At his level, one would think I should be a shit-load busier than I am, but I’m not.

At first I didn’t mind the fact that life was pretty easy going. I put in 8 years doing menial work and being someone’s whipping boy, because let’s face it, when you are a secretary, you’re the first person in the line of fire when the shit hits the fan. Its not fun being the first bulls eye when the boss wants answers. I am paid to think two steps ahead of my boss should occasion arise…they want answers, its my job to find them. It wasn't always easy and thus the reason why this job was cake when I first arrived on the scene. Plus now that school has begun, I can use my down time for bits of studying. Not all that bad.

Why my job sucks
I do nothing. I’m so bored sometimes that I have to create ways of keeping myself busy. I’ve read blogs, I’ve paid bills, made appointments, chatted on the phone, sent a few thousand emails…..I follow my boss like a puppy dog looking for a scrap of work. And before you start thinking I’m a lazy ass, know this, I’ve told him I’m bored. I’ve attempted asking for more work, but alas, nothing has changed. It is what it is.

Its also escalating my laziness…I get out of here, and I’m actually tired from doing nothing!!! WTF??? My autonomy sucks here and I feel that the laziness is affecting me all around. Laziness leads to mistakes and I don’t make mistakes….at least not when my reputation is involved.

I don’t feel like I have a crucial role in any of the work for this department and I feel left out of the loop 90% of the time, where before I was an integral part in the grand scheme of running the department. I miss having a position where I would trouble shoot and give answers multitasking to my hearts content. I feel that I have way too much talent and “know how” to be wasted away here. My brain is slowly going to mush - I’m afraid that once I do in fact find another job, my go getter attitude will be diminished.

My good friend B actually said “Too bad you couldn’t find a way to make more money while at work.” Good thinking B and if I knew the first thing about stocks and trading, I’d be all over it.

Oh and the pay is ….let’s just say it leaves something to be desired. I make good money, no doubt, but do I make what people in my position make in the outside world? No. Money is a big key factor here. I stated the pay is not all that great – better than minimum wage by far, don’t get me wrong, but if I were to work elsewhere my increase in pay would be at minimum another $5-7,000. We are a non-profit organization so the pay is never competing, however, I do have job security and good benefits…. You can’t sneeze at something like that in this day and age.

Here I am at a crossroads of sorts. I have a good job, decent pay but I’m bored to tears. I want a job that I’m happy to do that challenges me on a daily basis, but I’d be stupid to give it up right now since it affords me the luxury of study time (and tuition-reimbursement). I have been contemplating and weighing these things on a daily basis. Can I sit here for the next 3+ years doing this day in and day out while I wait to finish my degree? Will I survive the boredom?

This is one of the tunnels that I face. I picture in my mind each tunnel I choose there is no end, no light. Each tunnel represents another facet of my life – relationships, family, friends, work, etc….and each one is overwhelmingly dark and quiet making me feel more and more discouraged all the time. I feel alone now – I haven’t talked to anyone about how I’ve been feeling, thus why I have an urge to write again to this blog – even if it is a boring amount of drivel.

Dirty Gossipand Whatnot

I miss giving you all the dirty gossip going on in my life. I miss divulging the smallest and stupidest of things - just getting it all off my chest. It feels like its been forever since I've been doing that. I don't know, in a way I got tired of being judged...or at least judging myself. In a way I also grew up a bit. I don't do the cheesy corny things I did last year - kissing stupid boys, dating wrong men - complaining - all things that have changed. But I think I need to start archiving again, its still fun to look back a year ago and see what was going on....I need to start that again. So here it is - a quick update:

Things have drastically changed in the last 6-8 months and i'm not only talking about me, I'm talking about friends and family. First - Trixie - well we're not such great friends anymore.

Huh? What? That's preposterous!!!

Well Trixie kind of showed what her true colors really were this summer when she started dating her new man. We always knew her to be a little self-centered and self involved and we always tolerated it to a certain extent, but then she became a little out of hand and things blew up....with me as the target. Unfortunate for her and her man they came at the wrong person and fell flat on their faces. She was well on her way to becoming an outcast of the group, but this propelled i and her relationship with all of us has become a little strained. I'll tell this whole story another time because I don't want this post to become a diatribe to why she's an putz.

Second, my family is still moving. Yes its true, my sister and brother in law are slated to begin their move in January to Atlanta. That being said, my parents will most likely put their house up for sale and join them some time in the Spring/Summer 2007. What does this mean for me? I dont know yet. I just started school again and I now boast the largest network of friends I've ever had. I don't know if I want to leave that. Then again what am I staying here for? My job is ok, but I'm not going to advance and well as far as men are concerned.....they aren't. That being said, I think when they go down for a looksee, I'm going to join because I'm open and I guess I can be persuaded. I make friends easily, perhaps the move is something I need for a change....I just can't help but feel I should stay behind.

Third, I'm just plain lost lately. Depression set in last week for a day or two that had me crying myself to sleep. I dont know if its because everythng in my life is at a stalemate or if its because I'm starting to have moments of lonliness. I look back on my mistakes and I'm petrified to make those again - I will not date someone just to date them so I find myself a little more lonely than usual....ya know what? I need to get off this topic right now.

So that's the fair weather update. I'm going to try and get more detailed with each day. Even if no one still reads this website, I'm going to give my daily updates as best I can.

P.S. - if you liked the first Jackass movie - the second is even better. Yes I went and I laughed my effin ass off!!!!!

Back to School

And so it begins once again, I am going back to school and tonight is my first class in almost 4 years. Political Science - urgh....gross. I really wanted to take two, perhaps even three classes because I want to get it over with, but what have we learned if anything, about my life? Nothing ever goes according to plan. It is now costing me $303/credit which is blasphamous - I mean how can anyone afford to pay for school? Shit last time I went to this school it was $215/credit - GOOD LORD talk about inflation....actually come to think of it, when I started at this school, part time, it was $133/credit - my my my it has gone up a tad bit.

Although I have to say, I'm not worried about class, I'm smart enough to pass with minimal effort.....its just the bother of it all. I don't want to take only one class, that's nothing, I'd rather take a few and be done sooner rather than later because this seems to be dragging on forever...kind of like this post. Anyway, money is a huge factor and I'm thinking Financial Aid may be in the near future for next semester because there is no way in hell I'm going to continue with school only one night a week - heavens no. Perpetual student my ass.

This is it, I feel like I'm in the home stretch and making a good show of it, unfortunately only being able to afford one class puts a damper on things but at least I'm doing it right? Oh well...ho hum and fiddley dee.....one thing at a time.

Next step is to find a second job at least until November/December since money has been a bit tight - I'm still at home helping the parents, but I'm finding that I have nothing left over for myself, just enough to keep me busy on the weekends....unfortunately I got a bit restless two weekends in a row and blew a whopping $700 on clothes and whatnot - HEY these things happen, its like the bear in the cage, he gets restless once in a while!!! Listen, it felt good for a change to spend a little somethin somethin on myself. Amen.

So I have come to the conclusion with summer finally over and school having started....and add to that my single status, perhaps a second job would be fitting for now. I know I've spoken about this before and I've given it more thought, this is best for now. Unfortunately I have no idea what the hell to do though. Fortunately, the single status helps in this field because now if I work on a weekend, who cares - I'm not exactly missing out on anything now am I? Ooooo we haven't spoken in awhile about my single status, odd since that's all I spoke about for almost a year, but that's neither here nor there at this point.

Well.

Let it be known and said here that I have made attempts, I've been on dates, I've done the phone, email thing but alas, no one has quite tickled my fancy. Its almost to the point that I'm starting to feel that I do not want to be approached any longer. I even joined Match.Com to see what the whole fuss was - and I have to say although its a great resource, I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed by it, therefore I'm thinking of jumping ship while I still have my sanity. School and work will keep me occupied enough.

The Match.Com experience has been exactly that - an experience, not even a month into it and I'm thinking that its too much for me. I've met only one person off that site and although it was a green light for a second date, I'm still like "eh" - so sad. Men have seen my profile and screamed "FRESH MEAT" - its become overwhelming and although I have much more to say on the topic, I'm going to keep you all hanging and report back tomorrow. ;-)