Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Maneater Misconception

This is the post I did for my MySpace account (blog). I'm sending a message to someone for being an idiot. Enjoy.


A big misconception about me is that I am some piranah maneating woman who uses men like Kleenex.

So not the case.

Yes, I've been on a few dates since my inception into the dating world back in November- definitely more than 5, but less than 10. Isn't that how dating is supposed to go? Aren't you supposed to put yourself out there? Its like the lotto - "You've got to be in it to win it." Am I wrong?

But, if you are a friend of mine then you know that I had not one, but TWO bad dates as a result of MySpace - not that I expect each and every one to be wonderful, but I do expect people to act human...but I digress.

Where was I? Oh right - misconceptions about me. I might seem a little hard and cynical, some would even say "committment phobic," but I'm actually just all about not wasting anyone's time. If I don't think we have a true connection, then I'm certainly not going to waste your time or mine. Personally, I think that's the best way to handle things - be honest. Gee, there's a new concept....

Listen, I've been hurt, I've been run through the mill and its hard to open up again. Especially as we get older because we're more cautious about our decisions and how they'll affect our lives. For those of us with structured lives, its hard to deviate from the norm. But unlike before, I am now willing to put my best foot forward. Yes I can now make that statement, I am willing to allow someone in....problem is, how hard will it be to find someone worthwhile?

I'm not being conceited, I'm just proud of who I am. I think I deserve someone who is going to give back what I put in. Its hard to trust after the pain, its hard to let anyone in and be more than a friend. In the past year I can honestly say I've surrounded myself with good friends. People who will be here 15 years from now...how do I know? I don't, but I can't imagine my girls not being in my life. My point is, I have enough friends, its time to allow a man in.

Its kind of funny too because my best guy friend actually asked me what I wanted...you would think he would know this, but he's one of the people who has this preconceived notion that I'm looking for perfection. That's bullshit. I know I am FAR from perfection, I have my issues just like everybody else, so I would be a complete and utter twit to believe that perfection exists beyond the realm of my own eyes and my own heart.

For everyone, perfection is in the eye of the beholder. For me perfect would not be perfect for you. Of course you're wondering what that perfection might be like - well hell, if I knew that, I'd have an itemized list posted on my profile!

I'm rather open, its a helluva lot easier than you think. I don't need to stick to any "one" type - yet another misconception about me. I actually have a friend who will point guys out and say, "Oh he's sooo your type." Really? Well then, since you know my type, gather a few good men around me, and lets do a mass interview shall we?

I can tell you though, that I would "prefer" someone who likes to do stuff, who isn't all about being a couch potato. Someone who enjoys sports and sporting events - it would help if he likes the same teams, but I'm not that picky....I welcome the debates that would ensue. And he can't have any hang ups about drugs and alcohol...and I'm not just talking about AA here, it goes both ways. Don't get down on me because I can put down a few. He would also like to read, but that's not a must, and he'd be funny - ok that one, I can't bend on - you've GOT to be funny. And even if he isn't cultured in art, music, photography and wine - he'd be willing to at the very least welcome it into his life because it is an important part of mine.

Other than that, its all up in the air. I don't know who is right for me - if I did, I don't think my last two relationships would have ended the way they did. I'm open to all things new. There, that's another misconception, I'm not stuck in my ways, I'm extremely outgoing and I'll try just about anything. If I dont' think there will be a connection, I won't waste our time. Perhaps that's why people view me as a maneater? Because I'm honest enough to not let it get too far? Or is that misconstrued as fear of committment? Not sure, I guess now that I know I am ready to allow love into my life, I'll have to figure this out as time marches on. I am in no rush, but I do want it, I do want love and a relationship - another misconception about me

Monday, February 27, 2006

Wait and See

Men confuse me (oh yeh, like I'm one to talk), but really...they do.

This guy has been interested in me for years...I mean years. I've known him about 5 years now and he is the brother of one of my good friends. Recently it has come to light that he's always had a "thing" for me - going as far as to tell my friend that he would like her "to hook him up." She has refused to be the catalyst to set us up - again we are good friends and she is not against the union, she just wants to stay out of it. Makes perfect sense and I prefer it that way. She thinks we would make a great couple, but it should happen naturally - Good.

However, she did put the word out there for me that he is an interested party and since my last break up he's made it known to her again. Apparently when I broke up with Ted, he found out from another source that the break up transpired and wondered out loud why she was negligent in informing him. Again, she wants to stay out of it - but recently she did make it known to me and put the birdie in my ear.

Following? Good.

So when I completely and totally came upon his profile on MySpace the other day, I was pleasantly surprised. I should start with telling you all that I have changed my status on MySpace. I am not on there anymore to meet men. Hell to the NO on that topic. I changed my status to "Friends and Networking" for about the last 4 weeks and so far, so good. I go on there to chit chat with friends and leave obscene yet funny comments. Yadda yadda yadda, you get the picture. But sometimes I am so bored out of my mind here at work that I'll browse pictures and whatnot because it fucking funny as hell to see what people post about themselves. I love looking at the poser pictures and sending them to my sister and Trixie to goof on. We've had many many good laughs at the expense of others...hey, they put that shit out there for us all to view it, I'm going to goof on it. Sorry, but its the truth.

I would be lying though if I said that every once in awhile I'll come upon a cute or (shocker) hot guy and I'll check him out. That's how I found him on MySpace. At first I didn't recognize him, but after reading the profile and finally looking at more pictures, it hit me and I got excited. Excited because it was someone I knew and excited because it was her brother and we have a few things in common.

Anyway, I wrote him an email about the coincidence and called my friend that night. We had a great laugh over it and that was that. He responded to my email a day later, to which I responded again. Um yeh - that was last week and I haven't heard back which is odd because the way my friend talks, you would think he was in love with me. See on MySpace you can tell when someone last logged in, but you can also tell when they have read your email.

Stop - can we say stalker?

He's logged in, but he hasn't read nor responded to my email. What is that? I'm not sweating it (stop laughing), but I thought I would have heard back from him. Perhaps he's laying low to get feedback from his sister? I told her not to get involved, but if it did come up she could give him the green light and let him know I was interested....that's it. But still, does anyone see my point? He's interested, but he hasn't responded. Confusing right?

This has all happened in the last few days so I can't offer up more information other than this. Oh except....when my friend told me about her brother and his deal with relationships - it was like I was talking about myself. We both have the same issues - we want to be in a relationship, but we are not exactly ready to put ourselves out there to be hurt again. Neither one of us has dated anyone excessively in awhile and both of us are capable, yet cynical when it comes to conditions of the heart. That is what has me most intrigued....someone who can understand that yes, I'm willing to be in a committed relationship, but its got to start slow and its got to be right. Weird right?

For now, I'll sit back and keep doing what I'm doing. I told my friend that if her brother was most certainly interested, he'll get in touch with me and there is no need for her involvement. I'm not about to chase anyone - perhaps I might have done that back in the day - but this is new and improved Mer. Plus, I'm not in a rush for anything. For now, its wait and see.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Divorce Celebrations....

Let's get right into it shall we? Yesterday at 3:30 Trixie picked me up straight from work and we headed out to celebrate her divorce. I've got to tell ya, drinking that early - her in her happy mood, me a little contemplative - we had some interesting conversations and intriguing revelations before we met up with our friends at 8:00, but then again we were also shitfaced by 6:00 p.m., but I digress.....

We headed to a nice restaurant for a few glasses of wine and dinner. We were celebrating therefore we chose a good place. Unfortunately we sat at the bar with the absolute worst bartender. Let me start with his physical appearance - at first we were like, "ok, nice...." he had dirty blond hair, he was muscular and his face wasn't all that lacking, however, when he opened his mouth he was a complete and total moron who thought he was smart. The worst kind. He trying to gossip (loudly) with the waitresses, who apparently felt the same way we did about him because they repeatedly either disagreed with him or didn't talk to him. Then he goes on to brag to other bartenders, rather loudly and rudely his betting picks from the night before. Did he really think Trixie and I wanted to hear his stupid banter? I really wanted to complain - and I'm not one of those patrons who complain about anything. I thought better of it, and finally I turned to Trixie and I said, "I hate the bartender. He is an obnoxious twit. I know that working behind this bar is the social climax of his life, but does he really think we can't hear him? He has no couth."

Despite his ridiculously detestable stupidity, we had a nice dinner and enjoyed ourselves immensly. We talked about her marriage and where she is now in life. We also spoke about another relationship she had shortly after her separation and she is finally seeing things clearly. I think you'll remember me complaining about how dumb about men and conceited she can be, but she's coming around - slowly. I'm very proud of her and happy for her at the same time. Her marriage was awful and put her through a lot so this is a very good moment in her life. Go Trixie.

It was an interesting night to say the least. We both reminisced abour our husbands and then the relationships that followed. In the last year we have both witnessed a lot and survived it all and we've realized a lot about ourselves. This past year was a big year of self discovery and growing up. Out of our very very girlie conversations last night we came to a few realizations about relationships and love. Trixie is still a little behind in knowing what she wants and she admitted as much last night. She is happy with the guy she is currently dating and she also recognizes that being as promiscuous as she was in recent months was not healthy for her mind, body and soul. She understands...finally. She also gave me a compliment that I wasn't expecting, it was kind of off hand but it made me feel better....she told me "Mer at least you know what you want and you aren't leading anyone around." It stopped me and I thought to myself - Do I really know what I want or is that I just know what I don't want? Humph....something to think about right? But it felt good to hear it from someone else nonetheless...it was almost empowering in a way.

After dinner and walking around the mall so we could sober up a bit, we finally headed to the 101 to meet everyone else for a normal Thursday night. As we were sitting there, a young guy came over, took my hand in his and introduced himself. He was very nice and kept giving us compliments and offered to buy us drinks. We declined nicely and continued our evening. About a half hour later he was ready to leave and he came to say good bye....again stopping to tell me how beautiful I was and how it was such a pleasure to meet us. Ok so he was younger and a bit dorky, but I wasn't about to burst his bubble if I didnt have to - until the following conversation ensued:

Him: "Well you are both the most beautiful women in this bar tonight....even though I am not the best looking guy ever...."
Me: "Oh you need to be more confident," as I rub his shoulder.
Him: "I was being sarcastic."


I felt awful, but Trixie started giggling and I apologized. Uh yeh, don't think he'll be offering me any drinks any time soon. Yikes.

I called it a night at 9:30. I was 100% sober (thus no drunk dials last night....sorry guys) and went home to my beddy bye. I wish I could tell you what happened to the rest of the clan and Trixie after I left, but its only 9:34 am right now.....all I can say is that Trixie called out of work today. Good for her, I hope she had a kick ass night.

Congradulations Trixie on your divorce, I'm so proud of you for going through with it. We are now an elite club.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Idol, Friendship Re-Ignition, Divorce and Engagements Oh My!

Is it me or is Ryan Seacrest like the smallest man every born? Not sure if you are an Idol watcher (I don't see how you CAN'T be), but every single person who stands next to him looks ginormous in comparison. What is that? He's so tiny.....God I would hate to stand next to him....I'd feel like a cow.

I wanted to comment about last nights contestants, but if you're not an Idol fan like myself - it would be wasted....but if you did catch it - OMG, it was comedic genius....I can't help it, I find it horrifically fascinating to watch - I transform myself from bring sweet loving Mer to a ruthless Mini-Simon. So sad yet so true.

But you didn't come here to read a commentary on Idol....nope you came to read about my hardships and crazy ass life.

An old friend (ok, so he's not an 'old' friend so much as someone who I lost touch with) emailed me today and I was soooo happy to hear from him. He was a friend of mine whom I confided a lot of stuff to and in return he provided endless hours of comedic relief. He's a busy guy and he lives far from me, but I'm really stoked that I heard from him because his friendship always made me happy.

The weird/funny part of it all is that just yesterday I was thinking about him. I was thinking about calling him, but thought better of it. I can't remember exactly what it was that set it off, but I was in my house doing errands and he popped into my head....and then I started thinking about how long its been since we last spoke....and I wondered if he knew how much I missed talking to him. And of course being a silly girl I started to doubt myself thinking that I wasn't a good enough friend...did I call him enough? Did I email him? Did I say something wrong?

As far as I knew, I thought I was a decent friend, but then it dawned on me. Trixie and I were visiting him awhile back and he took us out and showed us a great time. Was there liquor involved? Does a bear shit in the woods? I got retarded in .3 seconds....no joke. Later that night I thought to myself, "you know...if he was single, I would totally make out with him right now"....and like the dumbass I am, I told him about that notion the next day. I was being honest and I didn't think it was a big deal....I was drunk after all when the thought occured to me, but I think I may have crossed the line because it wasn't something we would normally converse about. Talk about awkward - but that's me, I have no bones about me and I'm very open.

I'm sure that's all speculation and bad timing....who knows. Its been so long since we last spoke, and when opportunity knocks, you have to take the bull by the horns. Since he emailed me, I thought I would lay it all out there for him and apologize....I know that its all water under the bridge, but life is too short and who knows when I'll have another opportunity to say it. And if you are wonderding, I never would have actually done it....god no....again it was one of those wicked thoughts that occurs to you out of nowhere when your drinking...kind of the same thought process that has most men taking off their shirts in -2 degree weather at a football game.

Anyway, I'm satisfied with the fact that I put it out there, even if it wasn't a thought on his mind or blip in our history as friends. I'm hoping that we start corresponding again because right now, I'm feeling very lonely and I could use his humor.

Yes I'm lonely. I'm torn between wanting to be loved and the need to be alone. With each day I become more introverted and cynical. Its upsetting because I'm afraid of what the ramifications of this mood will be....I'm afraid of slipping deeper into it and building walls that will be hard to break down.

All I can say is at least I recognize it. I get advice from my friends, my family and the readers of this site. Everyone wants to see me happy and so do I. For now all I do is go with my gut, that's why none of these guys are making it very far - why waste their time and mine if I dont' see us living happily ever after? I know a relationship is work and I'm willing to put in the effort, but come on now....there has to be a special spark something they have all lacked.


But I'm still happy to have heard from him....his presence has been greatly missed.

Tonight I'll be going out straight from work to celebrate Trixie's divorce which was finalized today and to also celebrate Nicole's engagement which occured yesterday. Nice and Nice. One ends, another begins - funny how life recycles right? I guess I should use this as some metaphor or some shit to help me see the light, but today....well today I want to be cynical and depressed...of course this will all change after I have a cocktail...or seven. Wooohoooo.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Sick is the New Black




After work yesterday I was feeling much better. I have no idea what transpired during the day to lift not only my spirits, but my cold ailments as well. So when Nicole invited the girls over for our usual Tuesday night American Idol meeting, hesitant at first, I decided to give it a go and meet them for an hour.

Bad move.

Although I left at 9, it seems that I missed my window for sleep and now I'm sitting here hacking like it was day one of the cold again. Not cool. It was awesome to be out of the house though amongst my friends laughing again being surrounded by the living....but now I feel like shit. Today straight from work I am going home and putting on my pink pajamas with the cute little dogs on them and crawling into bed because tomorrow is Trixie's divorce and we are headed out straight from work to grab a drink. Don't worry, I only plan on going out for a little while.

Stop laughing. I'm serious.....no really I don't have the funds nor the will power to be out tomorrow and plus, we are starting right after work so it will be an early evening. Thank God.

On the flip side of things....my cold has me feeling totally funky today. Completely out of sorts. At first while driving to work I was in the mood to listen to sad songs like John Legend "Ordinary People" and The Platters, "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" preparing myself for a day of depression and self loathing - you know, the kind of mood one is in on a rainy day....even though its not raining, but I digress. Anyway, I don't know what happened between parking my car and the elevator ride up here that has me wanting to foolishly make out with someone. How random is that?!?!? Like I want to lay a big fat kiss on some random dude......damn. I have no one in the works, no man whores in sight....no "friends with benefits" to corral.

One word - Suck.

As the fever courses through my body, my head full of snot, my chest wheezing like a mo fo, I find this incredibly amusing....not sure why - one would think that making out would be the last thing on your mind when sick, but I can't help it. It happens......does anyone else find this funny? No? Ok fine......be that way.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


Sorry I have been so absent. I had Friday off for a ski trip with B - which was awesome. At first we were a little wary because the weather called for rain in the morning, yet that did not deter B, Al and myself from the 2 1/2 hour ride there. By time we got there, got dressed and were ready for the slopes, the rain had subsided and we were ready to go. Nice.

It was a great day for so many reasons too. First off, B and Al are better skiers than myself, but they took care of me the whole day. Don't get me wrong, I can ski, just not as fast as them - its been about 3 years since I last skied so I did rather well. I did every black diamond and double black diamond they did and they seriously were like two body guards the whole day. Also, they didn't treat me like a girl and even played up the pranks and crap like that - nothing was off limits and I laughed all day long. Nice. Second, it was awesome to hang out with people I don't normally chill with. I didn't want the day to end that's how much fun I had. It was a nice change of pace for sure. But all good things must come to an end - B had a dinner date later on that day and I think Al was implying to hang out that evening - which would have been cool as hell, but I wasn't about to give him the wrong idea. No way.

This brings me to my next point. I'm done - no more dating right now. Sure if someone asks, that's cool and I'll give it a go, but other than that - I'm not on the lookout and I'm not putting out the vibe. I just can't do it anymore. The actual date isn't the problem, its telling the guy that it won't work out that has me rethinking stuff. I've had to do this a lot lately and I don't like it. In fact I hate it. How do you tell a guy that he's really cool, but you don't think it will work? They don't believe you, they think you are feeding them a line and all of a sudden, you are the enemy.

Oh well. I'm a little stressed too because my life might be changing with this talk about moving to Atlanta. Its all very preliminary still, but its looking like everyone will be moving leaving me to make my decision. Not sure what I'll do, but I'm trying not to think about it until it happens.

And I'm not sure if its my illness (woke up sick on Saturday and spent the last three days in bed), but I could really use a hug and a kiss and an "everything will be alright" just about now. No arms to crawl into, no chest to lean my head upon. So sad.

I'm so blah today - so very blah about it all. Life is going on all around me and I just want to go back to bed and sleep some more. Yuk.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Lame Ass Post

Yeh, I got nothing new to report. I have yet to hear whether or nor my family is moving to Atlanta. Until then I have some time to think about what the hell I'm going to do. I think staying in New Jersey is what is best for me right now. I mean this is the perfect opportunity to start fresh and new, but I think I need to do this. I need to stay.

As for my love life - that's a non issue. I went on 4 dates with a nice, good guy, but again, something was missing.....I don't want to air any dirty laundry, I just know that it wouldn't have worked.

I told my sister about these recent events and she totally castrated me for getting rid of yet another "live one." It was to the point that I actually felt bad that I don't want him in my life. That there is something wrong with me, but then I remembered that the last time my sister was dating was 18 years ago. What the hell does she know about dating in 2006??? She has NO clue what its like out there....but I digress.

Anyway, I'm off tomorrow and Monday. Tomorrow I am hitting the slopes with B for a small ski trip. Should be fun....anytime spent with B is a good time. We kill one another so I'm really looking forward to this. Then Saturday, seeing my favorite cover band, Urban Trip which is always fun....I promise I will not get on stage this time.....maybe. Sunday evening is Nicole's birthday so we are headed to a city club. I have no money for this venture, and I'm tot really feeling it, but she's a good friend so I will bend over backwards to go....hey now.

See? This post was lame....but I love you and I wanted to make sure I got something up before the weekend. I'll try to post at some point.....maybe.......

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Showing The Love

At first my post was going to be cynical. It was going to go over why I am the way I am about love right now. Kind of outline what is wrong with me and why I have this failure to commit. But I don't need to bore you with details. I don't need to sit here and convey why I am afraid of sharing a special moment with just anyone. I can save that post for tomorrow.

Instead in celebration of Valentines Day, I'm not going to spew my lonliness on you. I'm going to tell you that I am rich and full of love. I have the best family a girl could ask for. I have a circle of friends who love me and want the best for me. I have pen pals that I speak to on a daily basis, I have pen pals that I don't necessarily speak to every day too. It doesnt make me love them any less....because when I need them, when I need a special hello and they need words of encouragement, we are there for one another. That's great love. That's friendship. That's tangible and real. I can't feel it with my hands, but I feel it in my heart.

One word: awesome.

I woke up this morning grumpy. Cranky if you will because I was upset with myself. I was upset that I haven't allowed anyone in. Three great opportunities have come my way these last few months and three times I've said neigh neigh. It happens. This morning I was down because I thought there was something wrong with me....why won't I let it happen, why am I so scared? Why do I find something wrong with everyone???? Am I just that picky, or just that fucked up?

Seriously, I think I'm being honest with myself. I won't settle for less anymore. I want what I want. Sure there are variations to what I want, but when it happens, I'll know it. It will hit me like a ton of bricks. It might not be today, it might be 10 years from now, but it will happen.

I'm feeling much better now because I remembered that I am capable of love. I show it in my affections for my friends and family. I say I love you and I mean it. I tell my friends, even my guy friends what they mean to me. Sure they are men and at first it will make them feel uncomfortable, but then they remember its me and that's who I am. They'll hug me and tell me they love me back and for that I am grateful because these are the people who matter most.

So if you are a reader of this site, if you've ever "shown me the love" know that I want happiness for you. Know that I appreciate any sentiments you have ever shown me. Know that you are thought of and I'm sending you good vibes today.

Know that I've learned to love me and from that I'll be able to love again.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Shoulder Weights

After all these months I think I'm getting a little closer to figuring out who the hell I am. Recently I've been dating yet another gentleman. He's nice, he's well educated and he could quite possibly be the best looking guy I've ever dated.....but I find that we talk a lot about me and I'm not comfortable with that anymore. Don't laugh. I'm being serious, he's...how can I put this, he's more of the intellectual persuasion - and he always wants to talk about me and my experiences and its starting to become awkward for me. Add to that the fact that in a few months he will be a full fledged psychologist and we have nothing but awkward soup for Mer.

I bring this up because I've realized in the last two weeks that I'm not the person I was a year ago. The last 14 years have been spent pleasing a man and being in a relationship with one. All my stories and experiences mostly involve one of two people....Glenn and Ted. That's not cool and I find myself talking about drunk escapades with Trixie and B rather than my day long trips to the museum and traveling to all the wonderful places I've been all because I don't want to talk about my past. I'm not that person anymore - I'm so far from being that person that I hate talking about her. I'm not as naive, I'm not as gullible and I'm a little "harder" than I used to be. I'm not so willing to please and I've created a wall around my emotions. I'm finding that its not me that says things first, rather now its the guy. When did that shift occur?

This weekend due to the inclement weather the tri-state area had (3 feet of fucking snow), I spent time chilling with my mother and she even commented on my behavior stating that she has seen a drastic change in who I am. I'm completely independent of men, they do not rule my world anymore. She finds it refreshing, but at the same time she worries. She worries that I'm shutting out good people.

I agree and disagree. I feel that I don't want to waste my time or anyone else's. I was being 100% honest when I told Jake that I didn't think I was capable of giving him what he deserved. I couldn't say and do the things that he did. I couldn't reciprocate feelings and actions of love and I have a feeling it will be the same way with this new guy. What I want will be exceptionally hard to find. Looks aren't as important as I originally thought, but being in shape is (sorry, man boobs are just not hot). Sense of humor? Yeh, guys think they are funny and witty, but I like to laugh out loud, B and I laugh a lot, I mean a whole lot, why can't I find a guy with that sense of humor? This is going to be hard. It really really will....because not only does it have to be the right kind of guy with the right kind of attitude, it also has to be when I'm ready to have a relationship....which I'm not. These two paradigms need to coincide at the right time.

This new guy was a complete accident. I thought we were just going to be friends, but he asked me out to dinner. I give everything a shot, I really do, I put my best foot forward, but in all honesty, I doubt it will work out. At least he has his own life. He has career goals that will keep us from seeing too much of one another. Whew....(but we all know from past experiencea with the dating rituals of Mer that this guy is already toast.....so sad).

Also, and this may come as a BIG shock to some, I don't want to sleep with anyone....at least not until I know its for real. My libido is out of control with the necessity to find someone good in bed, yet I don't want to with this guy - as hot as he is I'm like "eh." This guy wants in my pants really bad, but its not happening and I plan on verbalizing that to him. Perhaps that will scare him off. Who knows....if it does scare him off, then that helps me with the inevitable....breaking up with yet another guy. Chew 'em up....spit 'em out. That could quite possibly be my new motto. Its becoming a cycle that I need to break....at least now I recognize that I don't want to sleep with them before it actually happens. Plus not only do I see this, my friends do as well and I don't think they are going to allow me to keep fucking up by doing this to men.

All of this combined with the fact that I might very well be moving to Atlanta has become a bit much. Quietly I am dealing with all of this, I'm not really talking to friends and family about it because I'm trying to make a decision on my own. Like I told my mother this weekend, for the first time in my life, I'm living for me. I'm not going to school for my parents, but for me. I'm not dating anyone just to be with someone and I've finally found a click of friends that works for me. I finally have a life to call my own, and that fact alone has me saying I might stay in Jersey. This might be the indpendence that I not only need, but crave. This might be the thing that I need to finally take a stand and do me. Be me. Make my own decisions with no outside forces....but it comes at the expense of my loved ones. Big decisions indeed.

I'm thankful for the clarity that I have right now. Its the first time in my life that I see it all, the whole picture. But there is still a lot to consider here, a whole lot to think about and its weighing heavily on my mind. I'm heading down to B's office now to unload because he's the only one I know that cuts through all the bullshit, smacks me around and tells me I'm a crazy silly girl who needs to get a grip....but he's much nicer than that obviously.

More on this later.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Georgia On My Mind

New developments in the life of Mer....not anything new or surprising right? I always have something crazy or whacky going on....sometimes its of my own hand, sometimes its because of outside forces. So when I tell you that its a 50/50 shot that I'm moving to Atlanta, it shouldn't surprise you right?

Well it surprises the hell out of me.....

The scenario goes like this. My brother-in-law works for a world wide organization. Somehow, someway, his job involves always dealing with the big-wigs and he's made nicey nice with the CEO of the company. The CEO has recently left the company to head up another venture in Atlanta. The CEO also LOVES my sister and wants her to be his assistant, plus bring my brother-in-law down to Atlanta to head his own division. We're talking bucu bucks here for both.

How does this affect you Mer?

I'll tell you how this affects Mer, because my sister wants to bring me down there to be her nanny. I don't know all the logistics, but she'd also pay for me to go back to school at night. This is why this offer is worth entertaining - I'd get my degree. Plus my parents are entertaining the idea to move down there as well. If they sold their house here in Jersey, they'd make a killing giving them enough money to pay off debt and start a good new life for themselves - maybe even early retirement.

I'm very torn about this decision. First off, I like New Jersey. Not only do I have my friends here, but I'm 20 minutes from the capital of the world, New York City, I'm 20 minutes from the country (I'm talking Moo Cows here people), and I'm about a half hour from the beach. I have everything at my disposal including some of the best sports in the nation. I have it all.

But if I go to Atlanta, I get to finish school and I don't have to get into debt doing it. But do I want to be responsible for raising my nephew? I barely want kids of my own let alone mold him into a retard like me. My sister is a wonderful mother, I couldn't hold a candle to what she does. Then again, he's only 16 months, I'd most likely have him potty trained by 20 months - no diaper poopy changing - homey don't play that.

On the other hand - its a whole new start. A fresh start to rebuild my life.....but isn't that what I've been doing? Its all very hard. For the most part I've decided to wait and see to make 100% sure they are going to move there. She interviewed over the phone yesterday, but it wasn't all about her qualifications, it was more like, "What is it going to take to bring you on board?" This guy is no joke. How many opportunities are you given like this in a lifetime right? They'd be dumb to pass it up.

Saturday evening the CEO is taking them to dinner to discuss what they want and what it will take. He means business and actually, they've already begun to look at houses down there.

I think for my sister and my folks this is a great opportunity. If I were them, I would do it. But for me, I'm not really sure. I can always move down there later on if I wanted right? Then again if I stay behind I have to sell my car (BOOOOO!!!) and get a second job in order to make rent. One bedroom apartments here are around $900 -$1200/month. Well if I sell my car, then I don't need a second job. But my family will be thousands of miles away and I'd probably only see them twice a year. Even when I wasn't living home I still saw my family at least once a week. This would be a huge adjustment.

There is a lot to consider here and I don't know if I'm ready to make any decisions. I guess I'll just wait and see how their meeting goes on Saturday.

I'm a little sad....this is going to be big any way I slice it.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Random Questions

Good day all. I'm in and out of a conference today running around like a chicken with out a head. So I'm going to leave you with an email questionnaire. Feel free to cut and paste to friends.

How would you describe yourself to someone who doesn't know you?
Fun, out going, intelligent, spontaneous

What is your worst feature?
My temper when someone goads me

What is your very best feature?
My humor and positive outlook

What's the worst thing you will do for the right amount of money?
Jump in a vat of puke for a babillion dollars

When was the last time you got disgustingly drunk? details please!?
What time is it? - probably my birthday

What is your favorite past time?
Sitting by the window during a warm summer rain or doing photography in the city

What is your drink of choice?
Oh god, do you have time??? Let's start with cosmopolitans, Tom Collins, Seabreeze, Corona, Bass - I can keep going if you have time.

What famous person would you get "hot & sweaty" with given the chance?
You want this list alphabetically or numerically???? - Brad Pitt, Collin Ferrell, Hugh Jackman, Robert Feines, Matt Damon, George Clooney, et al.

What is your all time favorite position? (And I don't mean sports!!!)
Missionary is boring - but get the right partner and HOLLA!!!

Where is the weirdest place you ever did "it"?
Weirdest or most fun? On the beach, Memorial Day weekend - about 2:00 p.m.

Have you ever done "it" outdoors? ... not in a car ... where?
Yep, see above

Do you have any regrets in life?
Being so stupid for so long with Ted

If you had a regret ... what would you do different given the chance?
Been smarter about my choices and stronger to carry them out

Do you believe in destiny?
Nah. I don't think we are pre-destined for anything, but I do believe things work themselves out.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Lust, not love

Do you believe in miracles?
Yes, the miracle of life

Where in the world would you love to travel to that seems out of reach?
Italy right now - no moolah. :(

What is the craziest thing you ever did ... totally without thinking?
First time I jumped on stage during a performance by a band - I had to be about 21 - but that kind of set the trend for years to come.

What is your favorite TV show now?
My Name is Earl, The Office and That 70's Show

What was your favorite TV show growing up?
Pee Wee's Playhouse and Magnum P.I.
What’s your favorite food?

Ice cream - hands down

What food do you dislike?
Anything that smells bad

What is your favorite CD/Song or artist at this moment?
None - maybe Staind, Maroon 5???

What are some of your all-time favorite songs?
Smoke Gets in Your Eyes by The Platters, You Belong to Me by Dean Martin

What characteristic do you despise?
Obnoxious, chatty, rude, inconsiderate people - oh wait, you only wanted one....

What is your life goal at this moment?
To be happy and content

What was your childhood dream of becoming?
A doctor, teacher or actress

Your favorite flower?
Gardenia's or Hyacinth's

When is your birthday and how old or young will you be?
2/4/77 - I just turned 29

If you had 3 wishes what would they be?
Well that's easy - Money - money and oh yeh - money. I know it should be world peace or something, but this is make believe anyway

What is one thing you would change about your significant other?
I don't have one.....but I'm working on it.

If you can change one thing about anyone you know what would it be?
President Bush - I'd make him a better president (after I beat the living piss out of him).

What is the worst thing a friend has ever done to you?
Left me at the mall - but they weren't really a friend now were they?

How old where you when you first had sex?
16 - and I don’t regret that because he was the right guy.

Have you ever tried any kind of drug?
Yep, only pot though

Have you ever gotten arrested? For what?
Nope....I really can't believe that, I've done some retarded things.

If you could have one special gift or talent what would it be?
To sing better than anyone else on the earth

Do you believe money can change who you are? I mean a lot of money.
Yep - I'd be ridiculously happy. But that's just me....

Have you ever had more than one partner at a time?
Nope, I'm a good girl

Do you believe in life after death?
God I hope so

Do you believe what comes around goes around?
Hells yes!!!! Karma is a b*tch.

Do you hate filling out these questionnaires?
Nope, it passes the time at work.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Lucky Girl

Calling me a lucky girl is an understatement. My birthday weekend was out of control awesome....and when I say it was "out of control" I mean it was KICK ASS!!

Before I tell you how I spent the weekend, I want to make it clear how lucky I am to have the family and friends that I have. They truly tried their hardest to make this birthday a special and memorable one. They all know what I've been through and they all love me, thus making this the best birthday I have had in 13+ years. It was tremendous and lovely.

Thursday - karaoke with my parents and co-workers was out of control. My parents didn't stay late, but they had a great time watching all of us get drunk and act like retards. They actually want to come again - go figure. We brought H along with us and if you'll recall - him and I have been weird since that little stint this summer. Yeh, well that was totally abolished Thursday. We were right back to the way we used to be before that whole episode and it was hysterical. H got BOMBED. He kept leaving his cell phone unattended - naturally I had to fuck with him by changing the banner on his cell phone display.....three times. "Mer is Cool." "I am Gay" and "I like Penis" - all very true. Funny part is that he was too drunk to know how to change it back and he kept coming to me - of all people - to fix it. Of course I didn't. Plus we convinced him to get on stage. He did a rendition of "Plush" by Stone Temple Pilots. It was funny as hell.

Friday - no comment about Friday - but good things were going on Friday.

Saturday - Mom threw me a party at the house with my friends and family and it was great. I got some really nice things that I wasn't expecting. Truth be told, I totally forgot about the presents part of things, I was just so happy my friends were coming over and my family finally got the chance to meet them. Two awesome presents of note were my iPod Nano and my Devil's Jersey. SO FRIGGIN GREAT!! I'm so lucky.

From there we traveled into the city and met up with more people. Much to my enjoyment, everyone chipped in and bought a VIP table for the occasion. Can I just say, if I had the money, this is the ONLY way I would ever go out. It was insane. We had three huge ass bottles of liquor and I got to play bartender. Uh yeh, I don't know who allowed me to do that because needless to say, everyone got RIPPED. So much fun. The evening ended about 5:30 a.m. - uh yeh. Nice.

During the day though, I received a call from an old friend of mine. See when I was married, all of my friends were people that my husband knew. It was a whole crowd of us that always hung out....and somehow, someway - I got them in the divorce settlement. YAY!!! Anyway, my friend John (the man I SHOULD have married) is very well off with money having won $36 million about 6 years ago (Don't worry, I was in love with him well before that, the money is now just a bonus). Every year he hosts a Superbowl party and sure enough, he was having it again last night.

Sunday - woke up at 12:00 noon and laid around all day with Trixie. We did nothing - we couldn't. Thank god I didn't have a hangover, but still, I was tired as hell. Then later that evening Samantha, Matty, Cheryl and myself rallied and headed to John's for the party where I got to see everyone - all my friends from before my divorce. That in itself was great, but John he really really does know how to put on a good party (I'd still jump on his head six different ways). Every room had a television in it, he had the food catered, he's got a big den downstairs complete with a big screen television and he DJ'd during the whole half time. It was insane. I was sooooo happy to see everyone - it was the cherry on top. I reconnected with a few people and I'm never going to allow us all to stray again.

All in all, it was a great weekend. For the most part everything went according to plan. I'm on cloud nine right now with all my stupid happiness coursing through my body. I am one lucky girl indeed.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Birthday Wishes

Today is a much better day and its only going to get better.

Tonight kicks off a weekend long birthday celebration and you know what??? I'm going to soak it all up because I deserve it. Every year for the last 10 years, at minimum, my birthday has been a disaster for one reason or another.

Examples? Sure, why not - every year sucked for one reason or another.

16th Birthday - report cards came out 3 days before my Sweet 16. I didn't have a HUGE party per say, but about 5 of my friends were grounded for being degenerates and 2 just didn't show up. Thus leaving about 5 of my other friends to endure my crazy lunatic cousins and family.

17th Birthday - not bad, got my license and Glenn took me to a Devils game and had my name put up on the big screen.

18th and 19th Birthday - it snowed - everything was cancelled

20th birthday - my ex-husband (boyfriend at the time) didn't discuss anything with my mother and of course she was forced to rearrange my family birthday party (this became a theme for him for years to come).

For my 21st birthday my ex-husband (still my boyfriend at the time) planned a trip for myself and a few other people to Atlantic City. Since it was the big 2-1 - my mother was planning a huge party as well. Of course Glenn didn't discuss it with my mother and the whole thing became an ordeal for me to deal with. Not him, me. I had to be caught in the middle of the situation, again, and I felt just absolutely awful that I had to tell my mother I'd be away. WAIT, it doesn't end there. We all go down to Atlantic City - about 10 of us - with the plan to stay at his Aunt's condo - only problem, the water was shut off. Yes, we made the best of it, but come on now, that just really sucks.

22nd Birthday was actually ok - I got engaged at Rockafellar Center (where our first date was) and we stayed at The Plaza.....but I got sick that night with the shitz and spent the whole night in the bathroom. Good times.....should have read that as a sign, but I digress.

23rd through 25th Birthdays were just about the same thing - he was an asshole who never contacted my family about anything because he thought he was superior. He never told my family anything I wanted for my birthday so his whole family could get me everything I wanted (I'm not complaining though) and my poor mother was left to fend for herself. It makes me sad when I think about how much he left my parents in the dark. See a pattern?

26th Birthday I was about to leave my husband. A few of us rented a van and went to the city, but my friend Scott's girlfriend got rip roaring drunk and became incredibly loud and belligerant. We wound up leaving early. Plus I was fighting with my husband all night. God I hate him.

27th Birthday I was with Ted and he didn't have a pot to piss in so I got a nice gift, but that was it. No special dinners, no special day. He was too busy blowing his money on coke.

28th Birthday - this was the absolute WORST birthday. Not only was I on the outs with Ted and his drinking and drug abuse at an all time high, but my family and I decided to go to a local bar to do karaoke. None of my friends showed up. It wasn't posh enough for them. NOT only that, but my friend Laura and Rob were supposed to be there (She was my best friend at the time). Laura had slept with Rob once upon a time and when Laura's current boyfriend found out that Rob was going to be there, he flipped. I had to ask Rob not to come - BUT, get this, Laura's boyfriend continued to be a 2 year old and took her keys and cut up her mac card and then locked her out of the house. So not one friend came to that party. I still had a good time, I was with family, but still, it hurt all the same.

For my 29th Birthday Trixie is trying her hardest to make it a good one. For all her fucked up ways, this is one of the reasons why she is in fact a good friend. She knows how shitty my previous birthdays have been and she's trying so hard to make this birthday one that I will always remember as a good one.

Tonight I will be celebrating with another co-worker up in Congers, New York. Her birthday is tomorrow the 3rd and mine is the 4th. We are going to do karaoke and we are expecting other co-workers to join. I even think my parents are going to be there as well and I'm really excited about that.

Tomorrow, well tomorrow I am going to dinner and calling it a mellow night.

Saturday on the other hand, well that is going to be a shit fest. Festivities begin with a home cooked meal by my mother with friends and family. The standard cake and presents procedure to follow. Then my friends and I are headed to the city for a change. I have no expectations, but I'm keeping an open mind so I don't get disappointed. If any of you are in the NYC area, we will be at Strata (915 Broadway and 21st) - come and join me.

I don't ask for much, I'm wishing for a good birthday - not EXCELLENT, out of control, or amazing - just a good one. NO drama....please.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

A La No More

Out of all the possible scenarios I had come up with, all the prep, the talk, the worry - it didn't go quite like I expected.....at all. But nothing ever goes as expected for Mer....remember?

Every day, three times a day Jake and I spoke. Once in the morning, once in the afternoon and then before going to bed. I don't know how we ever got into that whole schedule, but its what has happened every day for the last few weeks. Yesterday I never heard from him.....all day. I took it as a sign and I took it as a door to approach him and talk to him about the doubt and eventual break up....it was my in, my foot in the door. I was going to say something along the lines of, "You must be upset with me if I didn't hear from you all day....yadda yadda yadda" and then go into the whole, "this isn't working" bit.

By 7:00 p.m. I had not heard a word and I bit the bullet and called him. We spoke for a few minutes and he began by telling me how awful his day was and how little sleep he got that night. So I asked him flat out - "Was it because of me?" To which he didn't reply, instead he said it was a bunch of stuff.

I'm not one to kick a man when he's down. I tried to cheer him up, I kept the conversation light and then got off the phone so he could eat dinner with the agreement he would call me back after 9.

He does in fact call me back and again, I'm not going to bring it up, it would have been mean of me to do that. I do care for him, just not the same way he cares about me....but still. Anyway, we talk some more, normal banter, nothing serious and then I get off the phone with him because I'm falling on my face trying to keep my eyes open. We say good night and end it.

Or so I thought.

Two minutes later he calls back and asks me, "Do you not want to talk to me anymore?"

This I swear is like from left field.....but when opportunity knocks.....

I answered him truthfully and sincerely,

"Yes, but I have to be honest. I wanted to talk to you tonight about something that has been on my mind. We didn't see each other this weekend and it gave me a little time to reflect on some stuff. I told you that in the beginning I wasn't ready for a relationship, yet you and I somehow fell into one. I'm really trying to make better changes in my life and I'm trying to figure out how to create an equilibrium for both you and my life. I'll admit, distance does have a factor in all of this."

"Mer you could of just told me."

"Well I wanted to talk to you and I was all set to do so tonight, but you called me in this foul mood - and I can't kick a man when he's down. You just don't do that. - Listen, I like you, I think you are wonderful and I know you'll never hurt me, but there is a but and there shouldn't be one. I will never be able to reciprocate the things you say and do and that's not fair to you. You deserve a lot more than what I can give you. Its not fair to you."

That's how it went down. He told me I could have spoken to him, but he felt like I was blowing him off - that caught me off guard because how was I blowing him off if I spoke to him every day like three to four times a day? But its his perception I guess.

I wish I could tell you all that I feel bad...I do, I feel bad about hurting him, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn't happy it was all over. For right now, it feels right to be single.....I can't explain it, but its just right. When it happens, it happens.

To have continued dating him just to fill a void I was going through would have been mean and cruel. I did care for him, but not at the same capacity he cared for me. I wish him nothing but the best. I hope he finds someone deserving of his love.

And we're back in the saddle again......