Friday, May 27, 2005


The funny thing about closure is you never really know in real life it is the end. I know I can make a speech or write him an email telling him I never want to speak to him again, but what good will it do? I can certainly do that, but the closure that I would be looking to redeem can and would be pooped on. He would still find a way to respond or call or something. Why? I do not know.

I could sit here and write about all the awful things he has done in the past week, but I've decided to just let it go. I don't need closure from him, I just need to move on. This isn't a movie and things will not end happily ever after. We will not be friends or anything remotely close. If I never lay eyes on the antichrist ever again, I will be happier than I have ever been. But that will not happen. I wish it could but we work for the same company so I am bound to bump into him. Yuk.

This entire time I have always taken the high road. Despite his nasty comments to me or about me I have never retaliated because that is exactly what he wants. He is a Yugo and I am a Mercedes, that was how people viewed us. Co-workers never could figure it out because I am classy and he is classless. He was good looking, don't get me wrong, but you could dress him up, but never take him out. The only thing I did, and I did this last night as I was leaving and I am telling you now that it was incredibly immature of me to do but I'm glad I came down to his level just this once, - I spit in his work shoes and snotted in his sneakers. It was a good snot too because I didn't need to wipe after. I laughed and walked out the door. Guess that can be considered closure.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

A Woman Scorned

And you all wonder why I'm so fucked up. People let me just tell you he's done a number on me and I was so blind. I came home yesterday to his drunk butt, this time though I had the support of my friends and their spirit exploding within me like the force of the dark side. He actually tried to be my friend as if nothing has ever happened - like his behavior in the last couple of days was nonexistent- I ain't making this up. Each time he or we almost got on the subject of our demise, I changed it. I had to because if I let him see me sweat it would have been awful for me and I would instantly succumb to being a blubbering idiot. NOT HAPPENING ANY MORE!

Although we did talk a little bit, I made sure that as soon as I felt the slightest bit uncomfortable I changed the subject or zinged him with my wit. At one point he wanted to tell me all about how we were going to be the greatest of friends after this, he actually tried to sell me on it - I told him American Idol was on and then I left the room. Maybe it was immature but my sanity comes first. Am I bitter? Yes. Am I still hurting? Yes. Will he know that? Hell No. He can suck my left nut if he thinks that he'll get to me ever again. What's that saying about a woman scorned, yeh that's me.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Thank You

Thank you Maryann, Dena, Paul, Mom, Cheryl, Chris and most of all, Stephanie Klein. The last two days I was a ball of mess. I could cry at any moment and I felt awful about myself. I let that happen because it was easy, because I allowed him to post his immature behavior all over me like a billboard in Times Square. His manipulation wrapped me like a blanket and I can't let that happen. I have to listen to my gut and move on. He wants friendship because I am his rock, I am the voice of reason, but I cannot do that for so many reasons. He drains life from me like some alien life force. It will be hard to do, but it must be done. I'm not here for his beck and call, and he cannot and will not take advantage of the friendship I gave to him so easily.

He said that our relationship was full of fighting and I denied it. He said that we fought too much and that is the main reason its over. I remember a conversation where we talked about ending it because it wasn't working, but fighting wasn't the main I recall. The fog has been lifted, the blindfold removed from my eyes, he's right. We did bicker a lot and I always comprimised because I hate drama so much. No more. I now march to the beat of my own drummer. I'm so happy about that.

My strength when I say no only grows stronger. Last night he called me before I fell asleep. It was a good conversation but he tried to goad me into believing he might drive while intoxicated. Normally I would have stayed on the phone and talked him down, begging him not to do it. Last night I simply told him that I was tired and going to bed, leaving him to his own vices. I immediately fell asleep and it felt good. Why would I tell you this, because I'm proud of myself for not stepping into his trap once again.

So why do I care about someone who has so many issues? If you have read all of my blogs, you'll gather that he has issues - major issues - its not an excuse for either of our behavior, but I will offer up this - when I started dating him I immediately was able to tell him anything and vice versa. No matter how much we fought or disagreed with one another, we were ALWAYS able to talk it out and connect and feel great after. We were friends - but he has issues and it drained me because I was the rock. I thought he needed me. I thought I could change him because our friendship was just that strong and because I thought he wanted that for US. Of course I was wrong and it didn't end good just like I thought it wouldn't. Like Stephanie said, we grow from our mistakes, its when "we reassess things and have a real opportunity to change our lives for the better." Thank you so much Stephanie for all of your fabulous advice, you talk to me and not at me and I've never met you. You rock.

Am I 100% today, hell no, but I won't break down and cry even if I feel like it right now. I'll remember all the shitty times, all the fighting and focus on all the great things to come. I'll remember I have a great family, a few good friends and a future that's mine to mold.

Monday, May 23, 2005


You lied about your friendship and your loyalty. You lied to me about everlasting love. I can’t be your friend, I can’t look at you. Pretend I do not exist because it hurts too much. Pretend we never went out – pretend I never loved you. When people ask about me, say I died. Say hello in the halls if you want, but I can’t talk. I lost myself when I started dating you. I put love and faith into a train wreck. I got nothing out of it but hurt, pain and a great deal of regret. Do I wish I never met you – yes. You are the biggest disappointment of my life.


Why do I allow myself to be open to hurt? Why do I allow him to constantly make me feel bad about what I say or do? Why, why, why, why, why!!!!

I tried to stay away from him, I tried to have my own life, I tried to keep things light and simple, it all failed. He broke through all of it and found a way to silently torment me. He is trying to make me pay for something that I have no idea I did. I really don't know what I did to deserve all of this assholish behavior. I don't know why he has taken it upon himself to make me feel inferior at every opportunity.

I feel wretched, I feel alone and I feel pathetic. I just want him away from me, I don't want to talk to him, see him or know if he's alive - I want to be left alone. Why can't I have that? I gave him so much of me. I was there for him despite anything that ever happened, and now I'm the enemy, I'm the bad guy and I don't know why? When did this become war?

These next few days are going to be torture, they are going to be awful, I'm going to cry when I don't want to - I know it. I still have packing to do and I have no drive to do it.

GOD please make the pain stop.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

"Go Sit on the Toilet"

When I was little and I had some kind of ailment - stomach ache from sugar, I had to fart, or I just generally did not feel well, my mother would say, "Go sit on the toilet." Of course I would roll my eyes, rub my belly and go complain to my cat, Pursy, but it never failed, sitting on the toilet always seemed to help. Not sure why, since nothing usually came out, but hey, I'm not one to mock such a wise woman as my mother.

Why can't breaking up with a boyfriend be solved by something as easy as sitting on the toilet? Why can't I just purge myself of all my unhappiness by spewing it out my ass?

Because we all have to go through this shit to make us stronger right? Wrong, we need to be more focused and understand the situation for face value - not for what was or could have been. I'm 28 and I just learned this. I'm an asshole - but its better to figure it out later than never at all.


Truth be told, I worry about myself sometimes. I worry because I wear my heart on my sleeve and some people find that as easy prey. I get worried or emotional without really evaluating the situation for what its worth. Take Ted for instance, I'm hurt over losing someone who isn't worth the air he breaths. He's a wasteless bag of human flesh, he'll never contribute anything to society except for empty beer bottles that can be recycled. So why does it hurt so much? Is it because I tried so hard to make it work? Is it because he possessed something my exhusband didn't and I was holding onto to Ted thinking that one day he would wake up and be my prince? I don't know but I'm a fool if I ever did think that.

I'm tired of constantly putting on a smile that I don't feel because that is what is expected. I want to be miserable, I want to tell everyone to fuck off and not talk to me. No one knows the real me and that worries me, because I don't know the real me. I am so hard on myself and I want to stop but I don't know how to start. Its a viscious cycle "to worry or not to worry, that is the question."

I have a function in the city Saturday night. I'm thinking of grabbing my camera and heading in early for lunch and to just bum around alone by myself. I'm hoping that some time completely alone will help me. To be lost in thought wihtout having to talk to anyone will be something I have not been able to do in a very long time. As much as I need to be alone, I still wish I had someone to count on. Someone to go through this with. Maybe that's my problem, I'm horrified to be alone, I know I can count on only me, but it would be nice to have someone to turn to.

People on the outside look into my life and say, "Oh but it could be so much worse." I agree it could and I don't debate that. This is my world and it has crashed. It has fallen down and its up to me to rebuild - remodel. Start new. I should be excited that Ted is gone and I can find someone who is worth my time. Funny thing is I don't want to find anyone. Am I afraid of being hurt? I don't think so, I think I'm afraid of making yet another bad choice. I want thes next few weeks/months to be about figuring out what I like and don't like. What I want and don't want, and then its about sticking to it.

I've reread this blog so many times. I sound pathetic, but I don't care. This is me right now. Love me or hate me, either way I may be inclined to tell you to go fuck yourself.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005


So I think I figured out how to post my pictures. I'm still trying to figure this all out. Sorry these are so fuzzy, but i had to take the pictures myself. I'll see if I can get some better ones this weekend.

Mer at work Posted by Hello

Pigtails Mer Posted by Hello

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Fuming mad

I am fuming. But in order for me to totally go off, I need to give you a little back ground information that I probably should have told you about before.

Ted and I work at the same establishment - that's how we met. I am generally a quiet well liked person here. I have many acquiantances and I know a lot of people - same for Ted. Of course our paths cross here at work - not a problem right? Wrong. I'm private. I'm extrememly private about my home life because it is NO. One's. Business. I've always asked Ted not to talk about us, yet he can't do that simple fucking task.

My apartment that I lost was amazing. It was in a two family house (I was upstairs and the land lady was downstairs). I had two bedrooms, dining room, living room, huge kitchen, bathroom, sun porch and finished attic all for $800 a month. When I moved in, it was agreed with the land lady that I didn't have to pay security or sign a lease, as long as I was quiet, then all was good with the world. I told Ted that I would move in and then 3-4 months later if we were still going strong, we could talk about him moving in. NOPE DIDN"T HAPPEN LIKE THAT! He packed an overnight bag and never left.

I blame myself for not being strong and telling him to go home sometimes. I should have told him that things were moving too fast and to slow down, because that's how I felt. But we were happy so I let it slide. I did once try to tell him that it was moving too fast but it only lasted a week and he never spent a day outside of my apartment.

Basically I spent the last year or so asking him, no pleading and begging for him to be quiet when we were home. When he gets drunk or has friends over, he can't control himself or his noise level. I've never met someone with so little self control in my whole life. Its so sad. I wasted my breath and my time and all my warnings for nothing because I still lost my apartment. He is 85% to blame for this whole debauchery. If he had only moved out when I repeatedly asked him to, I wouldn’t have this problem.

Now – NOT ONLY did we break up about 6 weeks ago, but I was evicted from my home two weeks ago because he can’t shut the f*ck up. Because he can’t live on his own and he has to take me down with him. Too many times to count – am I bitter – oh hell yes. I care more about the loss of the apartment then I do about losing him. Its been a double whammy to say the least.

I just received an email from a girl that I dropped like a bag of shit. I stopped talking to her because she is a self-absorbed, lying little waste of nothing. Before I would have told her everything that was going on in my life, but now, I won't bother wasting my time becuase she'll just turn the tables and complain about her life. She's a "One Upper" or otherwise referred to as a "Me Too."

Ted divulged our current situation to her about 10 minutes ago, thus the email from her. Not only did he say that he was moving out, but he told her we were evicted. I hate that. I was going to call him up and fucking rip his head off, but two weeks. I just have to get through two weeks. I hate people knowing my business and I hate their self righteous pity. Leave me the fuck alone.

Two Weeks

I have two weeks until my punishment ends. Somewhere in life I must have really fucked up in order to go through what I've been through in the last few years. I'm ready to start anew. I don't want to tell you he got drunk again - what I will say is this, I'm ready to start over. I was getting my daily Grande Vanilla Latte this morning and I realized that I will be able to spend time in Barnes & Nobles now. I will be able to go there whenever I want. I will be able to go to the mall again and shop until my little plastic cards get rejected - all because I can.

I feel like prisoner now. - I just wrote an entire paragraph about him and my complaints about him - but I deleted it. No need to dwell on the past. Two weeks and then I'm home free.

I was doing some small packing this morning and found an old composition book. You know the black and white marble kind your teacher used to make you get for "Journal Time" in the 6th grade. Well I have one of those and until about 2 years ago, I would write a running list of things I want to do. So much has changed in two years, yet I've only completed two of these 40+ items. I need to get on the ball.

Before I post this list, these are my dreams, these are the things I would like to do in my lifetime - some are fantastical and will probably never happen, but they are my giggly dreams.....not yours. Since these are two years old, I've added comments.

1. Dress in a knock out red dress and sing on a piano in a lounge
2. Skydive
3. Record an album
4. Appear on a magazine cover
5. Live alone in a cool city like New York or Paris
6. Meet Puff Daddy
7. Win some money - I mean serious cash - CHA CHING!
8. Dance elegantly with a handsome man in a ballgown
9. Go to a big New Year's Party in a ballroom (perhaps 8 and 9 can happen together)
10. Learn to Dance (that would be helpful for 8 and 9)
11. Write a book (I've already started two, I need to finish at least one)
12. Hit a homerun in softball
14. Be important to someone
15. I want to tell someone off really good like in a movie
16. Take a photography class
17. Get a convertible car
18. Travel to Italy
19. Travel to Paris
20. Travel to Greece
21. Meet someone who wants to take care of me
22. Make a life change for the better (This is complete as I went through with my divorce)
23. Get more courage (Half way there baby!)
24. Meet someone inspirational - (I'm talking Oprah material here)
25. Make love on a beach at sunset (I know very romance novel of me, but I don't care. I love sex and I love the ocean. Sue me).
26. Complete a physical challenge
27. Not be afraid to be alone (thus killing the loser magnet)
28. Get a tattoo (I bounce around with this one a lot - I have committment issues)
29. Pierce something other than my ears or belly
30. Walk gracefully into a room and have everyone notice (a breathtaking moment, not embarassment)
31. Learn something new (piano or talent of the like)
32. Receive an award accomplishingly something
33. Take horseback riding lessons
34. Find an old friend (done)
35. Have courage to give a lap dance
36. Completely trust someone
37. Fly in an airforce jet
38. Date a man in uniform
39. Sing the National Anthem at a function - and do it good.
40. I want to be a contestant on the "Price is Right"
41. Throw out the first pitch at a Yankee Game
42. Date a professional sports athlete

In two weeks I will start to make these dreams come true. I have to make an oath to myself to continue to be everything I know I can be. To make sure that I make myself happy with the things occuring in my life. Gaining control is a big step for me.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Dusting Off the Cobwebs

Its been a VERY long time since I've dated. I met my husband the month before my seventeenth birthday. I was married at 24, divorced at 26. Shortly after my husband and I split, I started dating "Ted." Unfortunately, "Ted" and I never really dated - we were just automatically together. It was all very fast and before I knew it, I was in the thick of it.

Cheryl asked me the other day if I'd start dating right away and I've been giving it some thought. Although I would truly love to be "in love" and I want that feeling again so bad, I think I need to take some time and let this manic mania I've been feeling subside for a while. Maybe then I'll find someone worth my time.

I want that giggling laughter, you know that kind - when you are so happy with someone that when you think of him a smile suddenly appears across your face. You catch yourself smiling - and the smile only broadens. I want the funny feeling in my belly when I think about him touching me inappropriately and the daydreaming that follows.

Its been so long since any of that has happened and I'm scared that I'll never find it again. I don't think I've truly experienced life. I hear other people's life stories and I feel I have yet to really enjoy life to its fullest, thus the trip to Italy.

I've been lucky enough to have three great loves in my life. But what if that was all a facade, it was a dream I concocted in my mind and the reality is I changed myself to become their ideal? What if all of it was false and I was fooling myself all this time. Because if it was truly real love, wouldn't I still be with one of them?

Maybe my prince is out there waiting for me, but the funny thing is, I don't think I need him. I shouldn't wait around for him right? I have bigger fish to fry - its just finding the right lake to hang around.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

A Slight Bought of Vindication

I've beaten him at his own game tonight. I gave hima taste of his own medicine, the same he gave me for the past two years. Although it was incredibly immature of me, and yes I am slightly buzzed from the whole incident, I feel slightly vindicated.

A very brief synapsis of what happened or has happened. Despite any efforts I have ever made towards "Ted," I have always tried to take the high road. I have always allowed his childish behavior to dictate whether I had a good day or bad day. Because I was in love and I was fucking stupid.

Today - who gives a shit?

Yesterday he announces pretty early in the day that he wants to go out for Indian food. He has made an ordeal of the order of events for the day, or errands if you will, always ending with eating Indian Cuisine. Fine by me. Yes somehow I am coerced into paying for the meal, but I make allowances for it because I am sad and going through a tough time. I want to treat myself to something I enjoy and I love Idian food.

I start off the dinner a little upset now that I know I am DEFINITELY paying for the meal. But I let it go for reasons already made known. But of course it doesn't end there. I'm not that lucky. Not only am I paying for the meal - again - five minutes into dinner a woman, her kid and old father sit down right next to us. NO ONE is in the restaurant, yet they choose the table next to us. This makes him edgy already. He feeds off this negativey and starts on me, he is making me feel bad for the fact that I am sad over losing my apartment. Basically I've supported him mentally and yes sometimes finacially for two years, but when I need him to return the favor I'm getting fucked in the ass. For those who know me, I'm always happy, I'm always looking to the good side of things. This past week hasn't been easy and I haven't been myself. Instead of helping me, he is hindering me.

So I do what any self respecting female should do....I grab the bottle of wine and finish it off. Not such a big deal right? Do you know how upset an alcoholic gets when you finish off their fix? He played it off rather well like he didn't care and I give him kudos for that - but he fucked up when he decided NOT TO EAT HIS FOOD. That's right, the very meal I'm paying for he decides he's lost his appetite. A five year old you ask? Yes, he is.

All in all, yes I drove home buzzed. Was it worth is. Oh HELL YES. He is still mad at me even as I sit here and write. Even as I'm cracking some of the funniest shit I've ever said in my life, he is still going to be a brat. I feel good right now. It can be a small stance of decalring myself, maybe, or I can be drunk. Who knows. It doesn't matter, in two weeks, I'm a free woman.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

A funny thing

Never being one to suffer PMS growing up, I'm finding that as I get older I'm really starting to notice it. These past few weeks have been tough to say the least, but I'm a person that can find the silver lining in just about every scenario. I'm the person who my friends come to when they need advice and I'm the one that can usually make heads or tails of a situation. This past week I couldn't do it. I just could not get myself to see the cup as half full instead of half empty. That's not me. All of these blogs I have posted in the last week or so have been full of depressed pathetic sappy bullshit. That's not me.

For example, when my husband and I parted ways - I don't think I cried once. Swear. I packed up my stuff and went home to mom, dad, Cassie and Duke (my dogs). I immediately started going out and making new friends. I felt free.

This new blow to my life really sent me for a doozy and I wasn't planned for it. I guess no one ever is. But the kicker was, I was in the middle of PMS week and I didn't know it.

Today I woke up with a whole new outlook on life. Maybe not a completely new outlook, but I figured that I can either wallow in misery or just roll with the punches and continue on. I'm going to focus on ONLY good things. I'm going to do an Oprah. I'm going to try and name 5 things to either look forward to in my new life or 5 things I am thankful for everyday. I'm going to start going back to the gym 6 times a week. I never felt better than when I was in the gym everyday. I had energy, I was happy and I looked damned good.

My friend Chris really set me straight yesterday. He basically told me to stop blaming and just move on. Its not worth fretting over and I was starting to sound pathetic. Thanks Chris, I hope I can one day be there for you the way you have for me. I also want to thank my new friend Cheryl. She's been so majorly cool.

Let me tell you a little about Cheryl. She works in my department and she's a little petitte thing with lots of smiles. I haven't had a girlie friend in a long time and its taken me awhile to get used to it, but I'm going to try and let it in. All my friends have always been men and that needs to change. Funny thing about men - ever see When Harry Met Sally? Well I love that movie and the scene when Billy Crystal tells Meg Ryan that women and men can't be friends because of the sex thing. He's right - I have lots of guy friends, but I'll bet my bottom dollar that every one of them want to sleep with me. Which is cool, but those relationships never last and then there I am with no real friends. Cheryl seems like she would always be my friend. She seem honest and truthful and so incredibly sweet. She's dating an older man right now - he's 6 years our senior, but from what she tells me he's very sweet to her. I wish her the best.

I have to remember that I am an intelligent, sexy, smart, attractive young female with a lot to offer. I have to remember that no one in this world is going to swoop down and change my life. I have to make it happen. I have to grab the bull by the horns and stop fucking around. This is my life and I'm the only one who can make me happy. With that said, I start my new life. Again.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

URGH! *&^@#$!!!!!

"Ted" got an apartment. It’s a studio about two miles away – he can catch the bus here. I’m so upset because I’m f*cking jealous as hell. I’m such a brat and I can’t take it anymore and it doesn’t matter how many times people tell me that "this is all for the best" I’m losing a home that meant the world to me. I could swallow all my pride and go talk to Mrs. B and see if I could stay, but I’m seriously afraid of what she might say. I thought I was feeling better, but I’m not. I’m so upset. But this is the kicker – he said to me this morning – "Too bad I didn’t do this a month ago, this wouldn’t be an issue." NO SHIT SHERLOCK! Asshole. I lost my home because you are a selfish, bull in a china closet dumbass.

Sorry, I had to let that out. Better now.

Whining Bitch

I've been avoiding writing because I'm tired of listening to myself complain about my life. But I really am deflated because I just don't know what happened with my apartment. I'm dumbfounded and I'm upset, skeptical that I'm even going through this all. Yuk.

I'm thinking about all of my options and I really do not know which one to persue. I'm the type of person that once I make up my mind, that's it - its gonna happen. The problem is I doubt myself so much that its hard to make up my mind. Its like I try to live my life by what is wrong and what is right when I should really be doing what I want to do. So I ask myself, what do I want to do? Good question.

1. I want to finish school but that is not my top priority in life - sad but true.
2. I want to travel - Italy specifically
3. I want to go to Montauk alone to figure some stuff out. That will probably happen sooner rather than later.
4. I want to be better to myself and do things with my eyes open instead of getting caught up in the moment. I owe that to my sanity to be better to myself.
5. I want to learn how to go with the flow. I get wrapped up in what is wrong and trying to be perfect that I tend to miss some of the good stuff.
6. I want to meet someone - when my wounds heal - who will be just as good to me as I am to him.
7. I want a job that pays me what I'm worth
8. I want a job that I actually care for and have a passion about.

There is so much more to this list. I have a book of about 50 things that I want to accomplish before I die. Maybe one day I'll post them.

Since I want to leave the apartment and not pay another month's rent, I'm trying to figure out if I really do want to move home or into another apartment. Here are my dilemma's with both. If I move back home, I lose independence - the very independence I've been searching for all this time. I lose a sense of self - I really want to be alone to figure out some stuff about me that I have never been able to do. On the flip side I cut my rent in half. I can pay off some bills and mom cooks, cleans and does my laundry. Before you get your shorts in a bunch, she wants to do those things. I get to be with my parents who are a source of strength and love. I also get to see my two dogs everyday.

If I move into an apartment, I'll have to come up with the rent, plus security and all that shit. Not so hard, but I have to sell my car first. I'll also be VERY alone, which will be good for me. I'll have my independence, but I risk the chance of not going back to school for awhile.

Actually after writing this, I really should just shut my trap and fucking suck it up right? I know I know. I'm just bitching, there are people in this world who are so much worse off than I am. I have to remember this. My good friend Chris actually told me to stop whining like a baby because this isn't the worst thing to happen in the world. Fuck 'em - this is about me and I'm selfish today.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

From Bad to Worse

You won't believe this but my life has gone from bad to worse. I can't fathom this and I haven't yet accepted it because I truly felt that my life was on the upswing. I had something to look forward to for the first time in 2 years. The plan was for "Ted" to move out so I could start over - so I could go to the gym, meet new friends, go back to school and persue my dream of acting. All my decisions would have been my own and I was going to start something better - the world was my oyster.

After the week I had I was so looking forward to coming home and being a vegetable all night. I was going to find the meaning of relaxing. I walk in my door to find a note from my landlady who lives downstairs - it wasn't one of her normal notes - it was a letter from a lawyer, it was my eviction notice. My heart dropped - how could this happen to me now! I had my whole future ahead of me and all I needed was another week or two - but I wouldn't get that. I would be robbed of that precious pleasure of living alone. The part that bothers me most is the fact that she didn't come to me and speak to me about it. I'm so sad over that. The other part that I'm pretty pissed about is the fact that I tried so hard to be quiet and to be a good tenant. I have had blow out fights over this topic with "Ted." We would fight because I didn't want people over because they would drink and get loud. I didn't want him to be loud and I would critisize him. He was a large part and reason as to why I was evicted - I'm sure of it. Too many times I've asked him not to slam doors, not to be up late drinking, to be considerate of the landlady downstairs. Too many times to ever count. Actually if I sat and counted the days since I moved in, I'm sure it was every day. I'm actually very pissed about that aspect.

I'm going to move back home. I'm going to sell my car so if anyone is interested in a 2003 350Z, please feel free to contact me via email for details. - I'm moving home. I can't get over this. I know you are thinking that I could surely get another apartment, but I'm trying to do the smart thing. I want to save money and finish school so I can get a very good paying job. I can then make my own dreams come true and be less worried about money and more inclined to be better to myself than I've been.

To be brave when faced with defeat was something I thought I could always do. Watching movies and seeing the heroin come out on top was something I knew I could do. A hard time I am having is an understatement - I can't get over this, I can't believe it is happening. My parents are good people and I love them so much, that is what is saving me. To know they love me no matter my failures is a blessing that I take for granted.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Never Again

I'm never drinking again. Not only do I feel like ass right now, I think I'm still drunk. It's 7:00 am and I'm at work. This blows. Let me explain. My day job is somewhat important. I'm an Executive Secretary at a pretty prestigious place. I work for someone who makes this institution tick in a quality assurance capacity - the awards we have won are mainly due to him and I'll leave it at that. So here I am, still drunk and VERY puffy eyed. The cool thing is, he gets that. If I told him I was hungover, he'd laugh because he's awesome like that, its just that I don't want it to come it.

The funny thing is, I didn't even want to go out. I didn't feel like socializing or being "on". You know what I mean by "on" right? I didn't want to put up a front that I was ok because I'm not. I'm hurting so much and when people asked me where (we'll call him Ted) was, I wanted to cry. But one of my closest friends told me I had to go. Chris loves to play the guilt card and he made me promise to go. If I hadn't gone, then I would be labeled a complete asshole for at least the remainder of the weekend. I say that because Chris doesn't stay offended for long - he fucking rocks like that.

Actually let me tell you a little about Chris because I'll be referring to him a lot. Chris and I met when I was the assistant coach for our company's softball team. I was married and he didn't exactly know how to take me. Here I was, an attractive female who was very outgoing and a ball of fun - not to toot my own horn, but toot toot because I fucking rock like that. Anyway, we stayed pretty good acquaintances becuase Chris is a little old school and being friends with a woman who is married was a no no. But that's ok because I got divorced. Once I was divorced, he became one of my most endeared friends and I trust this kid more than anyone else I know. I have never ever had a bad time in his presence - from concerts to sporting events, its always a good time when we hang. In addition to being mad cool, Chris gives me the best sound advice and he always puts it to me in a way that doesn't hurt my feelings. He sets me straight and I love him for it. We've had some really good times together and he'll forever be MY wing man.

All in all, last night was a lot of fun, but I gotta tell ya, I'm a two beer queer and I totally surpassed that by a 300% margin. To say I was retarded last night would be an understatement and I hope I remember this so it doesn't happen again - at least not in the near future.

I'm going to go now and get some food so when I puke again at least something will come up this time. Thanks Chris for making me go out - again - the drunken debachary we always seem to find and/or create was a good time to be filed away in our history together.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

My Extended Family....

I’m ecstatic. I can’t believe it but two of my favorite bloggers returned my emails. These two individuals have become kindred spirits to me – although they do not know this. The first would be Stephanie Klein. I can’t ever say this enough, but she’s brilliant and you can find her blog at She is very witty, sharp and creatively funny. To say she has been an inspiration to me during these last few weeks would be an outrageous understatment. I digress from saying that we have had parallel lives, but the coincidences are truly amazing. From her private perverted thoughts, experiences as a child, to ex-husbands, its been VERY nice to know that I'm not alone. I just truly wish I was as well educated and crafty as her - but then I wouldn't be me.

The other blogger that I make a point to read just about everyday would be 'Waiter' at As you may already be aware, I do have a second job working as a waitress. I came upon his site just last week and had to read the entire thing just for the fact that I admire his writing. I'm also amused that it doesn't matter where you work as a waiter, the bullshit still remains the same. If you enjoy good writing and realistic humor, he's your man. I tried to get him to tell me where he was a waiter, but I was DENIED. I have no ill will toward him since I myself am very careful as to who I give my information, so I will pay him that respect and stop pouting.

Both of these writers inspire me to continue keeping this daily blog and also continue my journy to find Mer. The fact that they returned my emails made me smile and that has been hard these last few weeks. In a very derranged way, they feel like family to me. One of these days I'll ask them to read my blog, but right now I'm too chicken shit.

Again, happy Cinco de Mayo to all and to all a good night I'm going to go and get my drink on.

Dazed and Confused

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone. As is the tradition I will be going out for the festivities this evening. Just one problem, he's going to be there. I'm not sure how I feel about that. We get along just fine, we are and always will be very good friends - it just will need some getting used to. The problem I seem to be facing right now is the fact that I want to hug him. I want to crawl up next to him on the couch like I've always been able to do - now I can't. Its funny how I've drawn the line on what I will and will not do. Before I would not think twice about grabbing his drink and taking a swig, or eating right off his plate, now I feel awkward. I sit far away, I get my own drinks - I hang out on my porch alone. Last night was particularly tough because he was awake when I decided to go to sleep. Normally he'll fall asleep on the couch and then I'll quietly go to bed alone. Last night he said good night from my bedroom door and walked away - I started to cry. I'm not used to this.

I know that only days ago I wanted him out of my life forever, but let me explain. He is my best friend. I can talk to him like no other and this is vice versa. We have this special friendship that I don' t think I will ever have again. Honestly, when I first met him, I was so happy that I found someone to connect with. But eventually I found out he drank a lot - he doesn't drink as much now, but still its not a life I want to live and I'm putting my foot down. If it weren't for the occasional binge drinking when he got upset - and if he could keep a substantial amount of money in his bank account, I might be willing to work through it. Maybe this is a moment of weakness that has me talking like this - I don't know. All I do know is that I feel so depressed and down. I want to perpetually cry day in and day out. I can't for the life of me figure it out.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005


If you think that you possess the power to change someone - you don't. Forget what you see in the movies, forget what you read in books - people with issues NEVER CHANGE! My advice and this is sound advice - if you suspect that your partner has a problem with anything - leave, get out, run away as fast as you can. I don't give a rat's ass for how nice he or she is when they are sober - your life will be a series of ups and downs that always end bad. Trust me. You will NEVER EVER be able to change them despite your ability to talk sense into a rock. It is just not worth the trouble of losing days, weeks or even years on something that will fall on deaf ears. If you think that when they promise change it will happen, it won't. You'll get a day or two - a WEEK if you are that lucky - but it inevitably will go back to the horrific events you are used to. Please listen and take my warning, get out while you can before you waste another day of your precious life.


I peek into people's lives every day. I read their blogs and feel a certain kinship to a few of them. These people see life the way I do and I'm happy that I've found these individuals because they have no idea how much they have secretly and quietly helped me through these last few weeks. They have no idea who I am and probably never will. Its romantic in a deranged way how someone guy I've never met has helped me get back some of what I've lost - and he'll never know that.

I hve tried to email these three writers but they've yet to get back to me. I just told them flat out how much I appreciate their writing and honesty because its helped me to feel less alone during this time.

Last night was awful, just awful. I came home to find him drunk with his two friends over. Although he was pretty cool and kept it real, it was just weird. At one point I just started to cry....I couldn't help it, I had to have that good cry. He sat in the bathroom with me - drunk of course - and spoke about our friendship and how this was all going to work itself out. He said that being friends will be the best thing to happen to us. - In a way I agree, but I don't think he understands how bad I do want him to leave. I just want to be alone. After that we were sitting in my sunroom talking some more - now we were both drunk because at that point I felt like that if I couldn't beat him - join him, and he said, "who knows, in a month we could be best of friends" to which I responded, "but you don't understand, you still have to move out. I need you out fast because I can't take this anymore - any of it." Of course he got upset and I got upset and then it was best we didn't talk anymore. I'm glad we both realized it was time to stop talking.

I'm very melancholy today. I'm just trying to not think about any of it. I'm just scared that he will continue to be beligerant and get drunk every day. I can't live like that. I'd leave but its my home. It's my place. Its so frustrating to want someone out so bad and they won't leave. Why can't he just leave me alone? I want to be alone. Go and leave me, please - I beg you.

Monday, May 02, 2005

A shoulder to cry on....

I went to sleep alone last night. Not that this is something new, but it was the start, it was the first night I did it and knew that it would be like this for a long time to come. There was sadness in it. Finalization. I didn't realize this until now sitting here how final it all was - or at least that is how it must be in order for me to establish me. To find Mer.

I got up this morning with no trouble - and took a shower. He was asleep on the couch in the other room. As I was towel drying I began to cry. It wasn't the teary eyed cry, it was the full fledged blubber. I broke down and cried, I let my pink underbelly become exposed and I showed weakness. I know its to be expected, but I don't want him to know about it. Its ammo for him. I thought he was sleeping until I got an email this morning and he asked me about the crying. I told him it was a moment of weakness but I was ok.

I want to cry right now. I want it to be over and done and start my life the way it should be. I'm so much stronger than all of this. I'm a survivor, this I know, but I want to let go and cry - have that one good cry that gets it out of the system. I want closure and that's not gonna happen right now. I sit here and write about all my unhappiness. I want to start writing good things.

I wrote him an email:
"I want to say one thing and then I’ll leave it. I still love you so much and in a perfect world we would be together without any issues and problems. I’m not perfect – never have been – and neither are you. But its hard to not be able to hug you and love you the way I want to, its even harder to see you on the couch. Saturday was a complete blow to me. From what I remember and I admit that I might be misguided since booze was involved, you basically made me feel like I was the one putting the pressure on you to stay with me. You said so in so many words. When I refer to as my boyfriend, its because the person with whom I’m speaking to doesn’t know the situation and its just easier. I feel icky now because I’m so confused. I thought you still loved me and wanted me like that, but apparently I was wrong. I’m upset about it, but I’ll get over it.

Second, this is really really hard for me. All of it. You living in the same place with me makes it so much harder. I can draw the line but my heart can’t take it right now. How am I supposed to get over you if I live with you? I’m your friend though and you’re mine – we’ll get through it together, but just keep that open communication with me and I’ll be fine. Don’t treat me like garbage – be my friend and you can take your time finding a roommate. Be a d*ck and you can go f*ck yourself on the street. Enough said.

Third, I’m still your best friend regardless of how $hitty you can be to me. I’m still going to want the best for you. I still don’t want to see you throw it all away on booze and drugs. I think you are smarter than that, but too weak to implement a plan for a better life for yourself. I don’t want that for ANY of my friends. I’ll admit that my heart dropped a little when you said you wanted to booze tonight – you should at least TRY to not booze during the week – just try because you have to take care of you and you should want more for yourself. Concentrate on the word searches if you have to.

I’m going to take a stab at this and say that you are hurting too and that’s why you are drinking more. I understand. I’m here for you as long as you pay me the same respect. We don’t have to talk about us to get through it. Just be my friend."

I didn't send it. He doesn't deserve a friend like me. Plus the new Mer wouldn't do something like this - she's too strong to show the enemy her soft underbelly.

I wish I had a shoulder to cry on. Its hard when you break up with your best friend.

Sunday, May 01, 2005


We fought again last night. Of course. I knocked off work early and since my cable is out - fucking DirectTV - we decided to go to a local bar and chill out for awhile. Well he seized the opportunity to make me feel like shit. He brought up a situation that I thought we had already discussed and squashed - apparently not. Not only did he make me feel like shit for something I already apologized for - he added that I'm basically an asshole because earlier the previous day I referred to him as my boyfriend. Can you believe this shit because I ain't making it up. Now I understand that we are going through something that there isn't a handbook for, but who cares if I refer to you as my boyfriend because that is basically what you are! I refered to you as a boyfriend because I was talking to someone who didn't know the situation - it was FUCKING easier! What annoys me even more is that we've had this conversation and I thought - I THOUGHT he still loved me and wanted that. A part of me held onto that so that when we held hands or kissed it was for a reason - it was an excuse to me for it to be ok. To allow the emotion. I got visablly upset at the bar and turned to him and went off. I said my peace and told him that he shouldn't try to be physical with me in any shape, matter or form because I hold an emotional attachment to those things. So its officially over. I just wish he would leave now, this second so I wouldn't have to look at him. I wouldn't feel the hurt and pain because, well just because. Today is a bad day - but this too shall pass right? I hate him for hurting me again - I hate myself for allowing it to hurt. I play the fool once again.