Thursday, April 28, 2005

June 1st

June 1st. That is the date I want you to be out of my home. You disrespected me and my home once again last night and therefore the open invitation to live with me is being retracted. The fucked up part is that you make like nothing happened. I caught you red handed and yet you made like it was business as usual. Don't do that. Don't try to play me for a fool when you know you can't. I just can't wait to have a normal life. To come home and be able to relax without worrying about what you are sneaking around doing.

I love our friend John but he always overstays his welcome and last night was a testament to that. Get your own place and this won't be an issue. I was going to say something to you this morning, but what do I say that I haven't said already? Usually we sit and talk and recount what upset me or you and then we promise not to do it again. But you can't keep a promise and I can't keep being a fool. So June 1st it must be.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Writer's Block

I don't get it. I have these fantastic ideas all day long when I let my mind wander in and out of reality, yet when I sit to do a daily update for my blog - nothing happens. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just go blank.

I'm thinking about going to Italy. Its something I've always wanted to do but never done. Why? I have no idea. I thought that when I was married I'd be able to eventually convince my ex-husband to go, but he never showed any interest. Now that I've been separated two years, what is stopping me? I've decided that I'm not waiting for life to happen to me. I'm not waiting for my prince to come along and help me out. I'm doing this on my own. What would it be like to walk thte streets of Rome? To find some treasure hidden down an alley. To go and photograph the land of my ancestors - to feel history seep through my skin and into my blood. I want that. I want the romantic feel I get when I look at pictures of Italy to be real. I want to smell it, breathe it, touch and feel it. Experience it and not fantasize about it. I want to bring my laptop with me and write about it in a way that when I look back on my memoirs I am instantly drawn back in time to a place where I was absolutely drunk with love of myself for doing something I dreamed about.

I'm scared though. I don't want to do it alone, I want to share it with someone special but I can't wait for him to show up. I can't put my life on hold because I'm waiting for Mr. Right. I'll go to Italy and it will be the best thing I've ever expeirenced, but I'll be sad that its alone. You see I have friends, but there isn't one that I would want to spend day and night with on my dream trip. It would be easier to do it alone.

I think I'll take a trip into the city by myself this weekend. Just wake up and go. I'll leave him sleeping off his hangover and I'll take the bus in. I'll discover something new by myself as a preview for my trip to Italy. I feel a kinship to the city. I love everything about Manahatten - the crowds, the awful smells and brief interludes of fresh air, the food, the people, the culture. I love it all. One of my best days was going to the city to invest my money at SmithBarney. I spent the day shopping, looking good, eating and eventually getting drunk. It was a great day and I think I need another one like it.

Gee for someone who didn't know what to write an hour ago, I think I did pretty well.


I'm tired of reading other people's blogs. I need to continue with my own. I should be writing about my own experiences and not worry about others - I have my own story to write.

Monday night I was going to quit my second job and I didn't. I chickened out because the chef "Jesus" beat me to it. I couldn't look my manager in the face and quit after his chef walked out. I'm an asshole, I know. Instead I went home and gave the man "the talk." I already wrote about it earlier, but this is what bothers me. I gave him the talk and he still hasn't done anything. I hate men, they just are SO not worth my time.

My friend Cheryl asked me if I would date after I broke up with him. I don't know how to answer that because there isn't a guy that I want to date. I have no urge to go through it all again. I have too many projects that I want to complete before I date someone - like cleaning my closet.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005


So yesterday I was bitter. Today I'm better. My tired silent anger helped me yesterday to express my disapproval with my guy. I was able to knock off work early last night and sit down and talk to him. I told him I wasn't happy with how slow things were progressing with his moving out. I told him that he was basically taking advantage of my kindness by not looking for an apartment like he had been doing previously. Plus he's been mooching - he hasn't helped around the house at all, he hangs out, reads the paper, drinks beer and generally takes up space. I feel awful though, he thinks that our relationship is going so well because we haven't been fighting lately - doesn't he see that I'm not home 3 of 7 days? That I have completely and totally given up? I can't stand his inability to be an adult and take responsibility for his actions - I told him that I have no fight left in me and I wasn't going to waste my time arguing with him about his drinking or laziness. That's on him and I'm done.

Sometimes when I get so mad I write letters to him. I never give them to him, why I don't know but I don't. Here is something I wrote about 2 weeks ago:

"I really don't know what is wrong with you. You have been edgy for the past couple of days and I don't understand why. Honestly you probably don't see a difference, but who you were last week and who you are this week are two different entities. I hate it. Just when I'm liking you again and thinking that there is a shred of hope, you become this arrogant fuck who I want to kill. Last week you were on the ball and all positive, you only talked about good stuff and moving forward with your life - this week I've heard enough about your boozing and smoking and killing to last me a lifetime. This is EXACTLY what I am talking about when I say that I need a break. It seems like whenever there is good times, they are immediatley followed by bad. I will be dead ass - I. Don't. Care.

I might be selfish and I might have my own issues, but I'm always positive and when I do hit a low, I don't take it all out on you. I don't run to drugs and alcohol to get me through it either. Its like this bill collector called you and there goes everything. I don't want to know what its about, I can give you easy answers but you always shoot them down so I'd rather not deal with it all.

You and I have our difficulties, this we know and righ tnow you are staying with me until you either find somewhere else to live or until you get your own apartment. But until then, do not throw things in my face because I'm not happy. They stress me out and that is a major reason why you are leaving.

Today you are going to the doctor, and you said to me about getting money and seeing the doctor and taking the bus home. Why is this my concern? I shouldn't run to help you every time you need it. Figure it out on your own like everyone else does. You need a reality check, life isn't so hard. You just have to stop making it that way. Keep your nose clean and out of trouble and it will come naturally."

Reading it makes me feel exhausted. That's it! I'm exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually. When I find Mer, I hope this all changes.

Monday, April 25, 2005


I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming more and more bitter. I don't know exactly why, but I'm finding it so hard to keep the positive attitude that has always been one of my token qualities. Am I too overloaded with work? I do have two jobs. But I don't think that's it. Money is a motivator for me so I doubt that. I hate aggaravation though. I hate having to explain myself to anyone, why I can't be upset or cranky just because I feel like it? Why is it such a big deal? Maybe I ate some bad veggies or something and its affecting my mood, I don't know! Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm in a relationship that doesn't make me happy? He's not moving out fast enough and I don't know how to tell him that without really hurting him or causing some catastrophe that will set off a chain of really awful events. It wouldn't be the first time. That's why I need out. I need to find my own salvation. I need to figure out what makes me tick, what it is that I want in life to make me happy. I need to find Mer.

I used to have a great imagination that carried me through lots of boring events when I was younger. I tried to get in touch with that side of me and I can't find her. I can't find my imagination and that scares me. I used to pride myself on it and now its gone - off to never never land I guess. I say this because I used to love to fantasize about men. I would meet one or see one on TV and I would daydream about him. I miss doing that. I miss giggling to myself and having something to look forward to thinking about later on while I drift off to sleep.

Diane Lane was onto something when she moved to Tuscany, Italy in the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun." I related to that character and understood her need for difference. It will happen.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Sunday Mornings

I'm 28 and I love watching MTV and VH1. The demographic isn't aimed toward me yet I can't help it, I love watching MTV. Strange Love with Flava Flav and Bridget Neilson - well that's just a trainwreck and I love watching Trainwrecks. I love watching the social awkwardness that they create, the havoc that they promote. Its friggin great to watch these two.

I have to admit though, since I've been working two jobs - that's right folks, I work two jobs, I haven't been watching too much tv. As Sunday is m only day off, I love to veg out and catch up on marathons. Oh I love the marathons on MTV and VH1. I love watching episode after episode of America's Top Model, or Real Life. Its like when sit and watch it during the regularly scheduled time and they tease you with what's on next week - just wait 2 minutes and voila - you have the next episode. Instant Gratification.

I spent the night alone last night. My boyfriend of sorts was at a friends house while I worked and I didn't want to pick him up. I loved it. I came home for work, got comfortable, drank some wine, and just relaxed the way I like to relax. No one was there to break my concentration. No one to worry about. Just me myself and I. It was wonderful. I got to watch tv without worrying what he wanted to watch. I was able to drink wine without worrying if he was going to want some - because he always does.

Yes he has somewhat of a drinking problem. He doesn't see it as one, but I do. I know better. I know what is normal and he's not. I don't want to be with him anymore and he's knows it. I want to be his friend though because I do honestly value his friendship. But I don't see this going the distance. I don't see us being together forever. I don't have the heart to tell him that so I'm waiting it out. I'm chicken shit. But I've been through it all with him and I know his reaction. He's looking for an apartment - maybe not as intense I would like him to, but he's looking nonetheless. I hope its soon. I hope that one of these days I'll be able to live my life the way I want to. Sitting here at my computer on a Sunday morning, pouring my heart out to unknown individuals while watching ET on Mtv.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Soul Searching

These last couple of months have been a true test of who I am. I've been trying to be so honest about what I want and what I don't want. I spend too much of my time trying to be what everyone else expects me to be. I keep trying to make someone else happy who will never be happy. Yes, I don't think you can ever be happy and I think you are taking me down with you. You have your own issues and your own problems. I will never be able to change any of that for you. I have tried for too long to be what you want and I'm exhausted. I'm tired of accepting attitudes and behavior that I don't approve of. I'm just plain old tired.

I'm trying to break up with my boyfriend. He lives with me or at least he's staying with me. We've been together for 2 years and its not a good two years. The problem is, I can speak to him like no one else. I can say my most intimate of secrets and he never judges me. We've talked about breaking up and finally we did - about 3 weeks ago, but he never really moved out. He's got issues with everyone - he's friendly with everyone, no one hates him, they just don't want to live with him either. I guess I'm a sucker at heart and I told him he could stay until he finds another place to live. At first it worked, but now I've started to see why its not going to work. I don't know how to tell him I want him to leave sooner rather than later. I'm afraid of his temper. I don't think, actually i know he would never harm me, but its going through the threats and the tears that I don't want to deal with. I'm an idiot.

I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately. I've been trying to do my own thing because how else will I ever be happy? I need to know who I am before I can commit to anyone. Once he moves out I think I'm going to take a nice long time before I start dating again. I don't want to date anyone. I want to figure out what I want out of life before I commit to any relationship. I seem to get trapped in this "I want to make you happy" bullshit and that's what it is, its bullshit because no one makes me happy. I have to make me happy - no ifs, ands or buts.

So here I am, 28, divorced and about to go through another break up. I thought I would be a lot more depressed than this, but I'm not. I know I have to go through this all in order to be happy otherwise I'm settling for a life less than ordinary. That's it, I'm settling and I don't want to anymore. Apparently I'm an attractive woman, but I don't feel that way lately. I feel like I need to lose some weight, actually I know I have to. I have to stop eating so much at night. I get upset and I over eat. Not good. I'm losing my shape and it makes me upset. I used to work out all the time, now I barely think about it.

I feel like a stale piece of bread. I feel stuck in a rut and I hate it. I hope my plan works out well. I'm still here for you though, but I need to take care of me. I'm sorry its at your expense, but you'll understand I'm sure.