Thursday, April 14, 2005

Soul Searching

These last couple of months have been a true test of who I am. I've been trying to be so honest about what I want and what I don't want. I spend too much of my time trying to be what everyone else expects me to be. I keep trying to make someone else happy who will never be happy. Yes, I don't think you can ever be happy and I think you are taking me down with you. You have your own issues and your own problems. I will never be able to change any of that for you. I have tried for too long to be what you want and I'm exhausted. I'm tired of accepting attitudes and behavior that I don't approve of. I'm just plain old tired.

I'm trying to break up with my boyfriend. He lives with me or at least he's staying with me. We've been together for 2 years and its not a good two years. The problem is, I can speak to him like no one else. I can say my most intimate of secrets and he never judges me. We've talked about breaking up and finally we did - about 3 weeks ago, but he never really moved out. He's got issues with everyone - he's friendly with everyone, no one hates him, they just don't want to live with him either. I guess I'm a sucker at heart and I told him he could stay until he finds another place to live. At first it worked, but now I've started to see why its not going to work. I don't know how to tell him I want him to leave sooner rather than later. I'm afraid of his temper. I don't think, actually i know he would never harm me, but its going through the threats and the tears that I don't want to deal with. I'm an idiot.

I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately. I've been trying to do my own thing because how else will I ever be happy? I need to know who I am before I can commit to anyone. Once he moves out I think I'm going to take a nice long time before I start dating again. I don't want to date anyone. I want to figure out what I want out of life before I commit to any relationship. I seem to get trapped in this "I want to make you happy" bullshit and that's what it is, its bullshit because no one makes me happy. I have to make me happy - no ifs, ands or buts.

So here I am, 28, divorced and about to go through another break up. I thought I would be a lot more depressed than this, but I'm not. I know I have to go through this all in order to be happy otherwise I'm settling for a life less than ordinary. That's it, I'm settling and I don't want to anymore. Apparently I'm an attractive woman, but I don't feel that way lately. I feel like I need to lose some weight, actually I know I have to. I have to stop eating so much at night. I get upset and I over eat. Not good. I'm losing my shape and it makes me upset. I used to work out all the time, now I barely think about it.

I feel like a stale piece of bread. I feel stuck in a rut and I hate it. I hope my plan works out well. I'm still here for you though, but I need to take care of me. I'm sorry its at your expense, but you'll understand I'm sure.

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