Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Writer's Block

I don't get it. I have these fantastic ideas all day long when I let my mind wander in and out of reality, yet when I sit to do a daily update for my blog - nothing happens. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just go blank.

I'm thinking about going to Italy. Its something I've always wanted to do but never done. Why? I have no idea. I thought that when I was married I'd be able to eventually convince my ex-husband to go, but he never showed any interest. Now that I've been separated two years, what is stopping me? I've decided that I'm not waiting for life to happen to me. I'm not waiting for my prince to come along and help me out. I'm doing this on my own. What would it be like to walk thte streets of Rome? To find some treasure hidden down an alley. To go and photograph the land of my ancestors - to feel history seep through my skin and into my blood. I want that. I want the romantic feel I get when I look at pictures of Italy to be real. I want to smell it, breathe it, touch and feel it. Experience it and not fantasize about it. I want to bring my laptop with me and write about it in a way that when I look back on my memoirs I am instantly drawn back in time to a place where I was absolutely drunk with love of myself for doing something I dreamed about.

I'm scared though. I don't want to do it alone, I want to share it with someone special but I can't wait for him to show up. I can't put my life on hold because I'm waiting for Mr. Right. I'll go to Italy and it will be the best thing I've ever expeirenced, but I'll be sad that its alone. You see I have friends, but there isn't one that I would want to spend day and night with on my dream trip. It would be easier to do it alone.

I think I'll take a trip into the city by myself this weekend. Just wake up and go. I'll leave him sleeping off his hangover and I'll take the bus in. I'll discover something new by myself as a preview for my trip to Italy. I feel a kinship to the city. I love everything about Manahatten - the crowds, the awful smells and brief interludes of fresh air, the food, the people, the culture. I love it all. One of my best days was going to the city to invest my money at SmithBarney. I spent the day shopping, looking good, eating and eventually getting drunk. It was a great day and I think I need another one like it.

Gee for someone who didn't know what to write an hour ago, I think I did pretty well.

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