Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Why? Why does this keep happening to me? A guy will have something with me...a chance, maybe even dating me, maybe a full fledged relationship, but after we are said and done, he comes back to tell me that I'm the one that got away. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

I know I have been absent, but its just weird now. I don't have the urge to share my life so much, probably because I'm not as confused as I once was.....shit, I should have started reading my gut a long time ago. But anyway, here's the scoop on my latest dilly.

In high school I always got the feeling that Chris had a bit of a crush on me. He even tried kicking it to me once and I was like, "uh...no." He was always really sweet to me, good looking, but he was a complete slacker so I always shot him down. Got me so far? Then we reconnected on MySpace and he just "had" to see me. I obliged because I was so happy to reconnect with another person from high school. One night I go to BLU (he bounces there sometimes to help out the owner whom he knows) and after he gets off from work we go to the diner and chit chat. He fills me in on his life and what's going on with his girlfriend (very on again off again relationship) - he tells me EVERYTHING like I'm some kind of shrink. Oh, by the way, I'm LOADED - what else is new? Anyway, we go back to his place and we stay up ALL night long drinking (oh brother), looking through the year book (that was like 2 hours right there) - so now its like 5 a.m. and he tells me to stay over. We lay in bed and we talk until about 9 - he smooches me, we fool around, but nothing major, it was all very casua, it didn't feel wrong and plus it didn't go far....at all, just minor stuff. Remember, we're both at this point sort of in relationships, but not really. (I was dating this kid at the time). We say good bye at like 7 the next night - again we hung out ALL DAY LONG. It was fun, but I certainly didn't read into it. At this point I'm not about to bark up anyone's tree.

He emails me a few days later and tells me that him and his girl got back together, I told him I thought it was great news and if anything he should try to work it out. A few days after that he calls me and tells me that his cell phone was stolen. I'm like, "How did you get my number then?" - he said through some Verizon connect or something - whatever. Then he tells me more gossip about the troubles with his girl and how its really really over this time - he caught her cheating red handed. Like wow. I try to be a friend and tell him he's got to do what he's got to do. We talk some more like friends do about this kind of stuff. I was the first person he called after all this crazy stuff went down with his girlfriend so I'm thinking that we're good friends and that's that.

Well I don't hear from him again and I'm like WTF? I certainly wasn't going to go out of my way to call him and hang out. In a way I felt like I was reading between the lines and I told him that night that if he was trying to hook up with me on the rebound that he might as well go bark up another tree because homey don't play that. He said he liked me to much to do that. Aw - yeh....whatever.

This past weekend my friend Matt bumps into him and they get to talking. Matt tells Chris that we're good friends and Chris goes into this whole thing about how he fucked up...he's an asshol and he fucked up. He gets my number from Matt and he immediately starts texting me and then calls me on Sunday. I haven't returned his phone call. Why you ask? Because he's the type of guy I fall for all the time and as much as we are good friends, I'd go weak in the knees for him and screw up something potentially good with my new potential. He is the type I've dated before and now he's got his shit together and that makes him even more yummy....a bad case for disaster with me. I'll call him back tonight and be friendly - maybe even hang with him again, but I'll have to establish boundaries.....not saying that he wants anything from me, but I'm not taking that chance.

I mean Chris is yummy with a spoon, I'd jump on his head six different ways from Tuesday. I'm trying to do the good thing here because I really do enjoy playing with fire, but I won't. I can't. My new potential is too good to fuck up. At least I know that now beforehand.

But why is it that guys realize this about me after the fact? Why do they want to rekindle? Is it because I've moved on? Or was I that awesome that they still think about me. Good question and perhaps I'll ask him should the question arise.

Friday, May 12, 2006


I KNEW that something wasn't right. I just knew it. I second guessed myself when really I should have read my gut. I knew this kid was into me and that I wasn't deluding myself to believe he liked me more than he did.

When I used to tell my friends that he was really into me they didn't want to believe it. They gave me sympathetic glances like I was crazy and blowing his actions out of proportion. But that is not the case. Oh no.

You know how I said we'd be friends? Well we knew that we both had tickets for last night's Yankee/Boston game so we stayed in semi-contact so we could meet up to tailgate. Well long story short during the game B (my best guy friend) and I moved down to where Joseph's seats were and we hung out with him and his friend. With me so far? Wouldn't you know it....Joseph starts flirting with me and its VERY apparent. (I am going to try and cut this down so its not too long) I turn to B and I'm like "You're seeing all this right?" - because I tell B all my stories and he sometimes thinks I'm making this shit up and blowing things out of proportion. Anyway, so Joseph says to me, "You must think I'm a complete shit for what I did." And I basically told him I didn't really want to talk about it - that I had something to say, but not there. He keeps prodding me and finally I blurt it out. I say, "Listen, you and I did what we did for however long. We tried setting up three dates, all of which you cancelled. I was a little upset because I felt you didn't give it a shot. You didn't give it a chance. Plus I don't think the reason why you dumped me was the whole reason. I think there was more to it....I don't know what, but I think there was more. But yeh you basically didn't give us a shot."

His response? "You're right. I didn't and I regret it" - AND THEN he continued to flirt with me ALL NIGHT LONG. I shot him down so many times it was comical. We went to the bathroom and in the hallway he was like, “Hug me.” And he started kissing my cheeks and trying to whisper in my ear and then he actually tried to kiss me!!! NOT HAPPENING. THEN he wanted me to come over to his place to "talk." I told him that I'd hang with him, but there was no chance in hell of ANYTHING happening. After the game I totally blew off his text messages until I dropped B off and then I called him and told him not a chance.

What is wrong with this kid? He is SOOOO hot and cold its unreal. We're still cool because I handled it rather well, and we have plans to chill next week with my sister and her husband, but WTF? What is that? Loser. I mean he was relentless last night to the point where B said, “YO, when are you two going to start making out?” – it was actually funny, but I am SOOOOO glad B was there because he witnessed it FIRST hand and now I don’t feel like a complete quack. My stories about Joseph now have validity.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Over Extension

Life has been very busy lately to say the least. I guess when you make a conscious effort to slow things down in the “dating” department, you take that step back and somehow become more busy to occupy your “spare” time. Ironic right? People tend to invite you to more places, and of course you say yes to way too many events and stretch yourself thin trying to fit it all in because why pass up the opportunity to do these random things? It IS the start of the good weather after all and no one is the boss of me. I have no one tying me down, no one to compare social calendars with, just moi.

That’s what’s happening right now. I'm busier by the day. Its all my fault and I’m not complaining, god no, I am lucky to be able to do the things I do and have the friends that I have….but god, being “on” can get tiring.

Do you get what I mean when I say “on?” I’m not performing, but its in my nature to be pleasing to my friends and make sure we all have a good time. In all honesty its about the company you keep, not what you do. I’m a good friend and I try not to be the poop of the group – you know, Ms. Grumpy. Instead I’m the fun of the group, the wild child. But it takes its toll every once in a while and I'm getting fried.

For example, with summer on the way, the Spring is being kicked off quite nicely. I’m playing softball (I’m laying the SMACK DOWN), heading to more and more Yankee games, people are having their much anticipated parties and/or BBQ’s, Great Adventure is open, its just about shore weather – god its all piling up! One thing after the next! Weekends are getting booked at a rapid pace to a point now where I need a break because I’ll burn out by mid June if I don’t start taking it easy….plus my liver is seriously starting to hate me, he called me a bitch last night and kicked me in the side. True story.

But how do you slow down when you wait all winter to enjoy these things? How do you say no to what sounds like an awesome time!?! Especially when your friends easily appeal to your senses of good times and great memories - I could be hit by a car a week from now and not have lived enough to truly enjoy my life.

Its not that I “need” to do any of these things and I sure as hell do not have the mentality that, “if I don’t go I’ll miss something” oh hell no. I go and I do because the reason is simple….it sounds like fun. Why not? Life is too short. But hot damn I’m getting tired. I’m over committing myself to too many things and I didn’t even realize it. I love my friends, I’ve spoken at length about them before and I cherish the fact that they think of me to invite me out, but god, when I say no, some people actually get pissy with me. What is that?

I am by no means Ms. Popularity…ok that’s a lie, I do have a vast array of friends, but I feel like I’m over-extending myself to spend time with all of them. Unfortunately certain people get pushed to the wayside, not by fault, but by default. I try to make it a first come first serve basis to chill because I don’t want to be a douche….alas, these things happen.

Sunday for the first day in well over two weeks I blew it all off. I stayed in and as much as it felt good, I felt guilty because I had to blow off two different sets of people in order to accomplish it. So sad. I have to say though, it felt great to stay in bed late. And then I took myself to a movie which was good (Miii) and relaxed the rest of the day watching the boob tube. My sanity is slowly making its self present once again, but with two Boston vs. Yankee games this week, my plate is already full.

A year ago my life was thrown in a tail spin and I didn’t think I would recover. Hold up - another lie, I should say that I knew I would survive and move on but I certainly didn’t think I would be complaining about lack of time for myself. Heavens no. I’m thankful, but I guess I need to learn how to say no to some people now. Perhaps take another step back and chill out a bit. Yep, that’s the ticket, take time for me and do me. Ok, there we go, I have my agenda for the weekend.