Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Why? Why does this keep happening to me? A guy will have something with me...a chance, maybe even dating me, maybe a full fledged relationship, but after we are said and done, he comes back to tell me that I'm the one that got away. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

I know I have been absent, but its just weird now. I don't have the urge to share my life so much, probably because I'm not as confused as I once was.....shit, I should have started reading my gut a long time ago. But anyway, here's the scoop on my latest dilly.

In high school I always got the feeling that Chris had a bit of a crush on me. He even tried kicking it to me once and I was like, "uh...no." He was always really sweet to me, good looking, but he was a complete slacker so I always shot him down. Got me so far? Then we reconnected on MySpace and he just "had" to see me. I obliged because I was so happy to reconnect with another person from high school. One night I go to BLU (he bounces there sometimes to help out the owner whom he knows) and after he gets off from work we go to the diner and chit chat. He fills me in on his life and what's going on with his girlfriend (very on again off again relationship) - he tells me EVERYTHING like I'm some kind of shrink. Oh, by the way, I'm LOADED - what else is new? Anyway, we go back to his place and we stay up ALL night long drinking (oh brother), looking through the year book (that was like 2 hours right there) - so now its like 5 a.m. and he tells me to stay over. We lay in bed and we talk until about 9 - he smooches me, we fool around, but nothing major, it was all very casua, it didn't feel wrong and plus it didn't go far....at all, just minor stuff. Remember, we're both at this point sort of in relationships, but not really. (I was dating this kid at the time). We say good bye at like 7 the next night - again we hung out ALL DAY LONG. It was fun, but I certainly didn't read into it. At this point I'm not about to bark up anyone's tree.

He emails me a few days later and tells me that him and his girl got back together, I told him I thought it was great news and if anything he should try to work it out. A few days after that he calls me and tells me that his cell phone was stolen. I'm like, "How did you get my number then?" - he said through some Verizon connect or something - whatever. Then he tells me more gossip about the troubles with his girl and how its really really over this time - he caught her cheating red handed. Like wow. I try to be a friend and tell him he's got to do what he's got to do. We talk some more like friends do about this kind of stuff. I was the first person he called after all this crazy stuff went down with his girlfriend so I'm thinking that we're good friends and that's that.

Well I don't hear from him again and I'm like WTF? I certainly wasn't going to go out of my way to call him and hang out. In a way I felt like I was reading between the lines and I told him that night that if he was trying to hook up with me on the rebound that he might as well go bark up another tree because homey don't play that. He said he liked me to much to do that. Aw - yeh....whatever.

This past weekend my friend Matt bumps into him and they get to talking. Matt tells Chris that we're good friends and Chris goes into this whole thing about how he fucked up...he's an asshol and he fucked up. He gets my number from Matt and he immediately starts texting me and then calls me on Sunday. I haven't returned his phone call. Why you ask? Because he's the type of guy I fall for all the time and as much as we are good friends, I'd go weak in the knees for him and screw up something potentially good with my new potential. He is the type I've dated before and now he's got his shit together and that makes him even more yummy....a bad case for disaster with me. I'll call him back tonight and be friendly - maybe even hang with him again, but I'll have to establish boundaries.....not saying that he wants anything from me, but I'm not taking that chance.

I mean Chris is yummy with a spoon, I'd jump on his head six different ways from Tuesday. I'm trying to do the good thing here because I really do enjoy playing with fire, but I won't. I can't. My new potential is too good to fuck up. At least I know that now beforehand.

But why is it that guys realize this about me after the fact? Why do they want to rekindle? Is it because I've moved on? Or was I that awesome that they still think about me. Good question and perhaps I'll ask him should the question arise.


anne arkham said...

You were awesome and they still think about you. Definitely.

Matt said...

I agree with Anne, but with a caveat... They think you are awesome, and still think about you, but they don't realize how much they miss you until they can't have you...

It's happened to me too, and it sucks sometimes...