Monday, October 31, 2005


Happy Halloween ya all. Since my good friend "B" gave me my alter ego name of, "The Cat," it only seemed fitting that I dress as one for Halloween.


This weekend was not all that exciting by any means. Well, Saturday was fun. Trixie and I hit up a bar in Secaucus, yes the very one that we got lost looking for a few weeks ago.

This time the DJ was not the lesbian, however, this DJ was a male and he was um....a little more vulger in his approach and delivery. Trixie and I were both dressed as cats and we mosey on up to the bar and have a seat. The DJ looks at me and says, "Oh I just LOOOOVVVEEEE Me some Pussy. Look at you! I'm in love. You got your cute little pussy costume on and your tits hanging out.......I know where I'm looking all night long."

On and on went the pussy comments. All. Night. Long. "I hate cats, but I love me some pussy." "Don't worry ladies, I get more pussy in one night than the likes of just you two."

He was funny, but after spending the day walking around Great Adventure with about 20,000 Ghetto life assholes, I had enough. Seriously, when did Great Adventure become South Side Jamaica Queens? There was so much bling in effect that I thought I walked into the showroom for DeBeers. Good god it was ridiculous. And what really made it even MORE fun was the fact that I threw back a few on my lunch break. (nice). By time we got back on line for any rides I had a nice buzz going. I sat there with my mouth open like I was missing a chromosome watching all of these people. Pure entertainment.

Yesterday I was basically in and out of a coma like state. Don't get me wrong, it was a fabu day - my NY Giants won over one of our biggest rivals, the Washington Assholes 36-0. I was a little worried in the first half because apparently in the last 4-5 games where Tiki has had a really good running game we've lost (100+ yards). But that little mother fucker ran for 206 yards breaking an all time personal best. Go Tiki. They also secured first place when the Eagles did the big ol' choke against Denver - SUCK IT MCNABB. Just kidding, they have so many issues off the field, they'll be lucky if they make the playoffs.

And then the Patriots won. I however missed this game because I was passed out in my bed quite early, but I'm happy they won and I'm happy Bruschi is back. I can't ellaborate on that any more because I missed it all. But I won't be missing Monday nights game against the Colts. Manning has never won at Gilette Stadium, but his defense is on fire. Oooooo, should be a good game. Nice.

That's about it for me. Again, nothing exciting. Tonight is tacos at mom's - our Halloween tradition. When I was little I used to go trick-or-treating with my older sister and cousins. Afterward, and this continued even after I went out with my sister - we'd go back to mom's house and eat tacos. To this day she still makes tacos. Now that everyone is older and they have kids, everyone still reconvenes at her house for dinner. This year my sister is dressing up my nephew. I can't wait to take a picture. Nice.

Friday, October 28, 2005

FINALLY!!!! Something Good to Report

I DID IT! I finally did it. I did something I've been wanting to do for a long time and its a good thing. A potentially BIG thing.

I answered an ad for a talent agency. GO ME!!

I joined an agency that gets work for extras and models. This agency also works with casting directors for movies and television shows. I'll have my own webpage for casting directors to view, but extra work is always available.

It works like a membership. I have to pay for the service, but the fee is so minimal. This fee will set me up with a webpage and complete syopsis of work and photos. It will also alert me to any casting call information, for work in this area, which apparently there is a lot (I'm 20 minutes from NYC) and it pays pretty well. Extras can make $100 - 300 per day and a lot of the work is on the weekends.

This is a big step for me because I got off my ass and did something. I may never be rich and famous but at least I can say I tried. Then again, you never know. I want to continue with my acting studies, but right now money is an issue and that shit gets expensive. If I didn't do so well in my acting class last year and if I wasn't told by so many people to pursue it, then I wouldn't have the balls to do it. But fuck that - you only live once right?

Last night at the bar (where else would I be on a Thursday night?), some co-workers came out to play. Decent people, most of them older than I, each told me more than once that I really do need to be famous. This is not the first time I've heard this.

I don't mean to sound star struck, but this is probably the only thing in my entire life I've been consistent with wanting to do. I have the book smarts to a lot and achieve a lot, but as I've stated before, nothing captivates me......except movies. Not so much television and Broadway, although I wouldn't push either away if offered, I'm enamored with movies and everything having to do with them. And its not a matter of being famous and known around the world, its just something I simply would love to do.

This is good. This is very good and I hope it pans out for me. I hope I achieve this goal and live out my dream. Go Mer. Uh huh, Go Mer, Uh huh. I'm doing the happy of course can't see, but basically I look like an idiot. A cute idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. I blame it on the portion of my brain that died last night after my 7th drink. Whoop! Oh Boy!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Perfect Example of Why I'm an Angry Individual

Things are never easy in the life of Mer. Nothing in my life EVER goes according to plan. Never. A, never leads to B, and eventually C. Its more like A, D, B, Y, hang a left and finally C. Swear.

For three weeks I've had a hair appointment. Wait let me back up. My car needs two front tires and a wheel alignment - this will cost approximately $600. Now if you'll remember I've already dropped $1300 into Lola, not cool. So when I called about my front tires and alignment, my BFF at the dealership said that there was a way for me to get Nissan to pay for it. Apparently there was an extended warranty on these tires and I was never notified. All I had to do was get this letter and all was good with the world. Well. After talking to two numbskulls at Nissan and waiting for over a week for this letter to be faxed to me....because you know....faxing is hard and it takes a long looks like I'm getting this done for free. NICE. - keep your fingers crossed.

Ok, so I make my hair appointment with Samantha and she books out pretty far in advance so I have to wait like 3 weeks. Well wouldn't you know it, its the SAME day as the day the dealership can take my car. No biggy. I make a few phone calls and between friends I have this all set.

Trixie is going with me tonight to drop off my car and we are going out tonight. Since she doesn't go into work until 9 and I'm at work at 7, Ted was going to pick me up and bring me to work. He was also going to pick me up and drop me off at the salon. All was good with the world and everything was set. If I needed a ride from the salon to the dealership, Ted was also available.

BUT NOOOOOoooooooooo, nothing could stay set. Now Ted's hours were changed for tomorrow and I'm screwed. Normally this would not be a big deal. My mother is actually having a procedure today (pray for her) and she won't be able to drive tomorrow, so I could always borrow her truck, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, my father needs her truck because his is going in the shop as well. Shit.

I would LOVE to call out of work tomorrow, but I'm taking off next Friday (hopefully) because I'm headed to Boston to kill myself by way of alcohol poisioning. SO, now I'm going to have to enlist my sister's help to pick me up from work, bring me to the salon and have my father pick me up from the salon and bring me to the dealership to get my car. This is all IF my sister and father can do this. Fuck.

Yuk. This is a PERFECT example of why my life NEVER goes according to plan. I start at point A, then I go through a whole shit load of bullshit and then EVENTUALLY I make it to point C.

NOTHING EVER goes according to plan. I think I need a Snickers, because apparently, they satisfy you.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


Today is one of those days that has me feeling lonely. The weather is changing, the summer season has passed and I'm sitting here wishing I had big strong arms wrapped around me.

I miss doing couples things in this weather like apple picking, carving a pumpkin, baking cakes and pies and testing them out on my honey. I miss having someone to snuggle up next to when my nose is cold and I miss that warm body next to me when I go to sleep.

I miss crying on a shoulder, hugs when I feel bad and flowers for no reason. I miss football in the park, wrestling in bed and a smack on the ass when I walk by.

I miss being loved. I miss knowing that someone is thinking about me and hoping I'm safe. I miss phone calls for no reason.

Being lonely is ok at certain times, but today isn't one of them. Today I want warmth and hugs, kisses on my forehead, a squeeze around my waist. I want love and compassion, feeling and depth. I want good conversation and make up sex.

I want someone to go on a haunted hayride with. I want someone to share a hot chocolate with. I want someone who I can make Christmas and New Year's Eve plans with.

Its frustrating to feel like this after wanting independence for so long. I've become accustomed to being alone and doing my own thing. I actually like not having drama in my life. Look what happened last weekend with that one dude who couldn't decide what he wanted to do.....I walked out. But I'm starting to get that know that feeling. The lonely feeling.

Don't get me wrong, I've been propositioned, but I'm getting picky. I had my fun this summer and I kissed a few frogs, but not one of them was worth the effort. Marcus is even back and barking up my tree. Although he fits part of my criteria, I'm just not feeling it.

Right now, I'm looking for something light. Someone to spend time with and make plans. Someone who can go to a sporting event - like hockey or football. Someone who wants to take me to dinner, but isn't up my ass for anything more.

I don't have a biological clock anymore - I killed it, so I'm not worried about marriage and kids.

Its funny, I haven't been "looking" in the sense, but where would I look? Actually fuck that. I'm not hitting the bar scene for this shit. I'm doing it my way. I'm headed to a Devils' game in the near future - I'll find a man, club him over the head and drag him back to my car. Nice.

Hopefully he'll be a Gemini, Libra or an Aries. Bonus.

Over and out.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Welcome Back

If you have found your way to this site, then you must be someone I trust and/or like a lot.

When I created Finding M, it was a way for me to figure out my inner issues and problems. I never thought that people would actually read it and that I would make friends from it. I never even thought that I would have any issues or problems, but I did - not once, not twice, but three times.

The first time was when I realized family and friends were reading it. After the initial shock, I got over it. Ok, I just had to censure things a little bit, not bad, its ok - its good to have a few secrets, its healthy. The second time was when the guy I was dating found this site and that freaked me out because I told him not to come looking for it - that pissed me off bad. This third and final time, not a big deal in the very least, but still its a co-worker and I don't need anyone in the office knowing that I came to work on a Friday morning still loaded from the night before. I work for the big boss, the big guy - the BIG KAHUNA. We don't want to ruffle his feathers.

I guess what pissed me off most about this latest stint was the fact that my "good" friend was the one who gave out the site. I thought she knew that I liked privacy and that I had issues about the site. She must of known because her guilty conscious told me about it. Well instead of getting pissy with her and turning this into something it shouldn't - I moved the site. I moved the whole god damned thing.

This makes me happy. Now I can say things that I've been holding back and this is once again about me. About Mer's quest for happiness - about Mer and not about her friends. I can tell you who pissed me off and when and not worry about reprecussions. Good stuff.

Not sure how often I'll post to this site. I want to try and keep this as far away from work as possible, but we'll see. We'll see indeed.

Welcome back peeps. Once again, its all good in Mer's hood.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Baby Steps

For the most part, this weekend was exceptionally uneventful, which is fine by me. I have no money and I'm starting to get a little bored of the same thing every weekend so this weekend was a nice change.

The only thing worth mentioning is something that makes me proud of myself. Not a big thing by anyone's everyday standards, but its pretty big stuff to me and if you've been a reader from day one, you'll understand this small, yet big step I took of independence.

I walked out on a man.

Saturday afternoon I'm chilling with this guy. We're at his apartment and its boring. I mean snooze fest. I like football, I like sports, but there is no way in hell I can sit there and watch college football nonstop. No way. I can watch it for a few hours, but it CANNOT be the only thing to do. I watch football all day Sunday, no way I can watch college all day Saturday. Not happening.

We are sitting there for I don't know how long and we keep talking about doing something. Both of us throwing out suggestions, but neither of us agreeing on a place. We can go to this bar beacuse the food is better - or go to that bar because the atmosphere is nice.....doesn't matter, all we know is that we have to get out because we're getting cabin fever. He's got money, I've got time - hanging out was HIS idea, yet all we do is sit. Talk and sit. Sit and talk. Blah blah blah...couch potato.

Finally, I stand up and I start getting my shit together and he's just sitting there watching me. I turn to him and I say:

"Listen bro, I'm out. No offense to you, but you're killing me. Its cool, don't worry, I'm not pissed, its just that we said we were going to hang and go somewhere, yet all we do is sit here. You were in a mood when I came in and nothing has changed. Its cool....really." I walk to the door, open it and say, "I'll talk to you later. Bye."

And I'm out.

Its pouring out and I'm drenched by time I get to my car. I turn the car on....all the while thinking of all the people I'm going to call - because here's the thing about me....I can sit and do nothing, seriously, but once you put it in my mind and I get all set to go out....come hell or high water, I'm going out. Off goes the list in my head Trixie, Lauren, Carmine, B...etc. etc. - when there is a knock on my window.

I roll down the window and he's standing there like a chump in the rain.

"Are you really leaving?'re leaving?"
"Um yeh. That's why I'm sitting in my car with it on," I say.
"I just.......can't believe it. You're......leaving...."

After a few moments of him looking like an idiot in the pouring rain I concede and go back inside. Believe me, I wouldn't have gone back in had he not gotten his finger out of his ass and decided on a place. Hell no. I let him stand there in the rain until he figured it out.

I was joke. Some of you might be sitting there thinking...."big whoop, you walked out, you still went back in." But you have to understand, I never would have done that before and I wouldn't have just got up and walked out. Old Mer would have hung in there until a decent hour and then she would have left with a nicey nice good bye not letting onto the other party that she was pissed. Later on I would have decided to never hang out with him again - but that would have been a lot of wasted time. Instead I cut to the chase, I told the truth and I felt empowered for it. I walked out on a man. He followed. That's never happened to me before and it felt good. Its not the MOST amazing stand of independence I've ever had, but its a baby step toward feeling like the person I always thought myself to be. I talk a good game, but its a matter of backing up my mouth, which I think I did.

And this guy didn't do anything wrong per say either, but don't make plans with me and then pick your ass. Not happening - whether you are my friend (which this guy is) or someone I'm dating (which he wants to be) - I'm not wasting my time anymore and I'm happy I exemplified it and stuck to it. Go me.

We wound up going to a spot that will now be where I go for Halloween this weekend so something good came out of it. And we did in fact wind up having a good time - it was an early night nonetheless, but at least we got out for a little while and I didn't pay. Nice.

Friday, October 21, 2005

I Need Sleep

MARK THE DATE - Mer left a bar last night BEFORE it closed!! Alert the press because this is ground breaking news. But Good God I'm just too damn tired to even write this morning. I mean it, even though I got about 4 hours sleep (that's a lot for a Thursday night) - I'm still ready to pass out. And even though I'm rocking a slight hang over, I have to go and be Miss Mary Fucking Sunshine now at an executive meeting. Not good. Not good at all because I have to pay attention and not fuck up.

No real highlights from last night either. Although I'm starting to believe that I am actually a pretty decent singer. Seriously, I'm very critical of myself, but last night I realize there were lots of applause and many many compliments and that made me feel good. I'm starting to see a pattern with how people compliment me and applaud.....dare I believe? I used to think that people cheered because I have great boobs, but I'm starting to actually think otherwise. Nice.

Maybe that could be my hobby? Not karaoke dope head. I'm talking taking singing lessons. When I was about 14 I had asked my parents if they would look into horseback riding lessons or singing lessons and even though we didn't have the money, they really gave me a listen and were on the verge of acting on it....but then they found the house they currently reside in and all hopes of any kind of lessons were diminished. Poor Mer.

But now I'm older and more in charge of my life. Perhaps singing lessons wouldn't be such a bad idea. AND I'm looking for a hobby.......ooooooo I'm seeing a connection.

A talent like that could mean many many things. It could help me getting a singing gig that pays me some phat moolah or it could help me in my non-existent career. Food for thought. I do have a nice voice, but its a little rough around the edges....partly due to drunken debauchery and recklessness.....a girl has to have fun right? I'll have to make some changes.

I need to check into this further. My brother-in-law was in the industry for a little while, I'll have to see if he still has any contacts. He used to know Jon Bon Jovi's vocal coach - now that would be hot.

Things that make you go hhhhmmmmm........

Thursday, October 20, 2005

The List

Work with someone who turns you on? See someone in the hall and you don't know his/her name, but still you would throw them against the wall and have hot dirty nasty wet sex with them either way? How about the girl behind the counter at the bank? She make you horney the way she looks at you when you make a deposit? Want to make a personal deposit in her?

We all have a list. You know what list I'm talking about.....a list of people of the opposite sex (except for Marc who likes women, men, goats, holes in walls, etc.) of people we'd like to have sex with, (or in my case my list is a list of people I'd like to fool around with....with the potential to sleep with). This is because I'm picky when it comes to who I bed (my magic number is WAY low, is yours?) But for the sake of this post, we'll talk in terms of fooling around, unless otherwise stated.

Now when I was with my ex-husband I had a list and I never ever thought that I would have the opportunity to act on this list. But then we separated and good god I took action. Funny thing though, Ted was at the top of my list and instead of working up to the top, I went straight for it, thus leading me to an 18 month relationship that didn't end well.

However, the reason why I bring up the list is because this time when I ended my relationship with Ted, I acted on this list. All the people I kissed and/or made out with ruthlessly I had wondered what it would be like to kiss and/or sleep with them. Let's review shall we?

Marcus - co-worker in another department. I was formally introduced to him at the company Christmas party by our mutual friend Remy - and from that second, the sexual vibes were apparent. Fast forward to break up with Ted, he's the first major make out session and possibly the hottest for a few months - actually I'd say to date. (AND he is trying to get back in my good graces right now.......sucker!).

Remy - I have NOT spoken about Remy on this site. But the cost is clear and a few months have passed so I can mention him now. Yes Remy and Marcus are good friends, but one doesn't know about the other and we'll leave it at that. Remy and I have been friends for about 4+ years now and it was inevitable. It was one night out drinking and it was a good time. WHOOPS OH BOY!

H - I never really wanted anything with H and I wasn't looking for it. But there were times that when we were friends I'd think about what it would be like to kiss him. He made the move, I took it and I crossed him off the list.

B - my good friend and confident, yet there was a time when we first became friends that I thought I'd like to smooch him. Now that I did, I can move on.

Kenny - yes he was on my list when I first met him, fast forward a year and a half and it was a disappointment. Oh well.

Carmine - We always had tension, but once the kiss happened it was over before it began. Whew.

There were more people on the list, but those are the ones that I was able to cross off. I still have a list and men are added and deleted each day depending on mood and their actions. A few of these men I work with, others are from the outside. Let's see:

Sven the Security Guard - I've spoken about him before and he's hot.

John - works on the third floor of my building and we spend a lot of time on the elevator together. We keep talking about hanging out, but it hasn't materialized. I'm not pushing it either, if it happens, it happens. Although his co-worker called me and asked me out, I shot him down pretty fast. There might be a conflict of interest on John's part now. Oh well.

Bus Guy - I have NO idea what his name is, but I see him on the bus just about every day and I swear I'm going to climb over the seats and attack him like a Leopard. Sweet.

Gino - I think that's his name. He came to the 101 one night and his annoying cousin kept hitting on Trixie. Gino is hot. No two ways about it, the guy has pecks I'd bite, a smile I'd kiss and a body I'd abuse. Sweet. Gino and I got to talking and by the end of the night he was inviting me places (Whoops OH BOY!!). Too bad he's an itty bitty otherwise I might be all over it. I didn't see him there the last time, but hey you never know.

Jim - sweetest itty bitty you could ever meet with a face like cupid, (body is F.I.N.E. FINE too). He's even younger than Gino, but make me 22 again and I won't blink an eye when I throw him into the bathroom, lock the door and come out 6 hours later.

Secret Emailing Partner - If he didn't live so far away, I'd jump on his head so fast - I'd take a running leap for better leverage. No joke. No doubt about it and that's all I'm gonna say 'bout dat.

I know I'm forgetting people, but you basically get the idea. I don't get into famous celebrities because its too easy to idolize them and plus the list would be HUGE.

So who is on your list? Come on....don't be shy.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

What's Next?

Its high time I find a hobby. I was talking to a friend of mine last night and he does all these wonderful things and all I do is go out dancing and drinking. I mean I guess in a way I could make dancing and drinking a hobby, I do in fact excel at it, but I need something for my mind or my body to do.

My friend plays sports, he takes his dogs to the park or as of right now he's taking a kick ass class that I wish we had around here. Basically you get to beat the shit out of people for about a good 2 hours....that's what I'm talkin' 'bout. This little girl has an awful amount of aggression she needs to unleash.

Seriously though. I spend my money and my time on frivolous things when I should be concentrating on either school (which I can't afford), or something to get the juices flowing. Going to the gym just isn't enough for me, I've said this before, I get bored easily. Take me to the same restaurant or bar too many times and I'm like "eh." When I was really little I'd stomp around the house proclaiming my boredum like the town crier....

Me: "I'm Booooorrrrred."
Mom: "Why don't you draw?"
Me: "Drawing is boring."
Mom: "Why don't you play with your Barbies?"
Me: "Barbies are boring." - only so many sex positions Ken and Barbie can do...
Mom: "Why dont' you go outside and ride your bike."
Me: "Where? No one is home."
Mom: "I don't know Meredith. Stop being a winge. Go see your father."

Five minutes later I was getting yelled at for something or other by him and it was back to doing nothing. Doesn't seem like much has changed. I get ansty and feel trapped wanting me to pick up and leave for bigger and better things.

I have this blog and I like to write on it, but I can't even say half the things I want to say. I want this blog to be special, but I don't know how. Blogs are currently all the rage and soon enough they will fall off like every other fad. This guy has a blog.....need I say more? And since I can't write a lot of things I want to write about, it makes it tedious to even find a subject worth mentioning.

Another hobby it must be. But what? I'm very artistic, or at least I used to be. I draw very very nicely, but when I pick that up and do it a few times, I'm bored again because I know I can still draw so why keep doing it? I don't find inspiration in it and it doesn't flow nicely, its just that I have very good hand eye coordination...that's it. I threw out a lot of my drawings when I moved. Many of my charcoal drawings were of Ted (he was usually stoned so he made for a good model......and he was hot), so I threw them all out. Stupid. They were good.

I like my photography, but again, I need inspiration and alone time for that - lots of alone time. I also need money for more classes and the proper equipment for my camera. Until more money flows, it will have to be on hold for a little while.

And the same goes with men. I use them up and discard them like tissue. Ted only kept my interest for so long because he was a constant challenge. Its a problem I have. I can remember when I was younger hanging out with my best friend and I was dating George. He was so wonderful, but I turned to her one day and I said something to the effect that I was growing tired of him and she turned to me and said, "Oh no.....not again."

Is there something wrong with me that I do this? That I meet a challenge and then walk away? Does it mean I have committment issues? Am I not surrounding myself with enough people who challenge my mind? I'd join a book club, but what if I hate the book? That right there is enough to turn me off forever. Cooking class? I don't have my own place anymore so that wouldn't be nearly as fun.

I want to fill my life with things I like to do and spend time with people who fulfill me. I miss being in a relationship because I felt like there was always something to do. We always had errands to run, family to see, parties, romantic nights, the movies - you name it, we did it. I miss having the person next to me being the same person I got to go home and sleep with. Trixie is cute and all, but I don't go that way.

But before I get into a relationship again, I feel this urge, this dire need to fill my life up with rich life experiences and I can't help but feel like I'm not doing that. Don't get me wrong, this summer was ridiculous. It was crazy fun, but now I'm wanting more. Drinking and dancing is getting old......not to mention expensive. One night a week is cool, but I can't do it three days anymore for the pure fact that its starting to feel played out and I get the feeling I'm not alone.

Maybe when I get a second job (NOTHING is out there right now - trust me, I'm looking), things will feel like they are progressing. My nights out will be further between one another and I'll cherish those drunken stupors all over again. For now I'll plug along as ususal keeping my eyes peeled for new adventures and new trouble to get into. Apparently I excel at that as well.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Triple Hit Combo

In yesterday's post I wrote about a fall I had down in Atlantic City. I downplayed it, but this was the fall of all falls - it was insane and it caused a concussion to add to the inevitable hangover that followed the next morning. Worst. Headache. Ever.

A few things you need to know before I begin the story. First, I was recently separated from my husband and hanging out with a myriad of people, one of which was Carmine, our friend Pat and his girl Fran. I was also attending college at night and it was the beginning of the really nice weather in Spring. Also, Carmine had this completely fucked up, yet true, theory about women. It was his firm belief that there was a distinct similarity between women and birds. Yes...birds. And God forbid a woman actually looked like a bird, the stupid bird call would go out "Brrrrr brrrrr brrrrr nok nok nok brrrrrrr" - you get the idea. At work you could hear Carmine doing the bird call down the was funny, don't get me wrong, but stupid. It was even funnier when we were out drinking, but that's another story.

Anyway, one fine Thursday Spring evening I'm walking into class when my cell phone rings and its Carmine. Long story short, Pat's family was going to be down in Atlantic City and Pat, Fran and Carmine were headed down to join them. The family had two rooms reserved and they said we could crash in their rooms.

Fine by me! Meredith is ALWAYS up for an adventure! I went to class for a whopping half hour and cut out early. By 9:00 p.m. we were on the road and by midnight we had finally arrived.

Problem. The hotel completely fucked up the reservation, so instead of having two large suites between 9 people, we now had one large suite between 13. Good times. This did not poise the problem you all think it might have, largely due to the fact that 6 of these people were gambling all night long while the kids between the ages of 11 through 16 were galavanting around the hotels, restaurants, boardwalk and swimming pools.

Still semi-early enough for us to get our drink on, we dropped the bags off in the room and headed downstairs to find free liquor (because liquor is free as long as you "look" like your gambling). So off we went to join the festivities of free liquor and the slot machines.

Fast forward to about 5:00 a.m. and Mer is blind drunk looking for what else? More liquor. But at 5:00 a.m., waitresses are fucking hard to find, the only place to find one is near the tables, yet I couldn't find one. I was so completely wasted and pissed off about the waitress that I stopped a black jack game to ask the dealer for the Liquor Fairy. That's right, not a waitress, not a bartender, but the Liquor Fairy. This of course was funny to all of us, two of the players, but not the floor manager. Yikes he was pissed, but at least I got my liquor. (snicker snicker).

At some point that evening/morning we decided that it would be a good idea to head over to the Taj Mahal next door and the easiest and fastest way to do that was to walk outside on the Boardwalk. Ok, good enough. But when we went outside (still holding our drinks of course), it was raining. The walk was not far, but there was no way I was going to stroll the 100 or so feet to the next door. Thinking like a dillhole, I yell, "COME ON GUYS!!!! LET'S RUN!"

Freeze frame.

I was wearing 3 inch heels.

Annnddddd Action!

Mer is running in the rain, Pat, Carmine and Fran each standing befuddled and horrified at the next thing that happened. I have NO IDEA how it actually happened and most of it is a blur, but as it was explained to me so kindly by Carmine, I went down hard - knees, chest, head. I went down so incredibly hard that my head actually bounced back up and hit the Boardwalk a second time.


Carmine rushed over, lifted me off the ground and set me straight checking me over to make sure I was ok.


Eyes half closed, stupid smile on my face, I reply......"Duuuude....I've takin' harder hits in hockey."

I'm an asshole. I know this, but this goes to show you that it is VERY hard to keep me down. Whether I'm hurt on the inside or out, I bounce back well and guess what? As much pain as I was in, there was no way in hell the night was going to end there. GO HARD OR GO HOME BRO!!!! But that was by far the worst fall I've ever had, and that's NOT including my skiing accident - yet another tale to tell another time.

The story my friends does not end there.

At about 6:15-6:30 a.m. we decided to finally call it a night and head back to the room. We open the door and there are bodies sleeping EVERYWHERE. The bed, cots, the floor, cushions, chairs - there was almost no where to walk.

Carmine: "Fuck this, I've got dibs on the closet."

I'm thinking to myself - "Thanks for the idea Carmine - SUCKER!"

We all get ready for bed, Pat finds a spot next to his mother (of all people), not sure where Fran ended up, but Carmine and I each took seperate ends of the closet - which was uncomfortable so he offered up his belly as a pillow and I took it.

Now all is quiet in the room, everyone is uncomfortably in their places and Carmine decides to do a bird call from the closet. "Brrrr Brrr Brrr." - softyly, yet audibly.

"Pat. Stop that," says Pat's mom.
"Mom it wasnt' me."

Thirty seconds go by. "Brrrr Brrr Brrr."

"Pat. I said STOP that."
"Ma, it wasn't me!"

I'm laughing so hard I'm gonna pee, Carmine's got his hand over my mouth trying to contain me. Just one more call.........

"Brrr. Brrr."

"OUCH MA!!!"

The next day is a bit of a fuzz. I do remember riding home and thinking "Jesus, this is either the WORST hang over I've ever had or I have a concussion." - honestly, since there are moments I don't remember, it could have been a combination of the two. I will never know - but this I do know - that was a great friggin night and tons of fun. I think about that night and wonder how I didn't die from either alcohol poisioning or breaking my neck.

Every time I see Carmine, which isn't as often as I used to, at some point in time this story will come up and he has to tell at least one person. He now so affectionately refers to that fall as the Triple Hit Combo and has no problem talking about it upon request.

Good times.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Weekend of Highs and Lows

Here they are - Urban Trip. Ok, so this isn't the MOST flattering photo I could probably take, but it was definitely the last coherent photo taken that evening - that's for damn sure.

Saturday night I dragged my friends to see Urban Trip again - and guess what, just like I prophesized they loved them. Sweet.

Now as you recall, the last time I saw this band, I was up on stage singing my heart out to "Livin' on a Prayer" by none other than Bon Jovi (swoon). Well I am happy to report that as usual, I did not disappoint. Not ONLY did I get personally invited on stage by Mr. Jay to sing with him (so Rockstar), BUT I was the crazy broad who did not leave the stage for the entire second set singing every song, playing the tambourine and dancing my beautiful big booty all over. Good times.

Thank you Mike, Jay, Ed and Dave for the kick ass time Saturday night - you really helped me end the week on a good note because the beginning of the week had me ready to jump off a bridge. OH BUT WAIT a minute. I forgot to mention - I also fell on stage. How funny is that?

Now I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but when I drink (a lot), I have a tendency to fall (a lot). When I was still friends with Peter we would get shit faced together and the smallest move and I'd be kissing concrete. I can't tell you how many times that kid picked me up off the floor - sweet god that was always a good time. That's about the only thing I miss about that kid, going out drinking and partying with him. You know its a good night if I've fallen at least once - this reminds me, I have to tell you all my Atlantic City story one of these days - Worst. Fall. Ever. - Concussion style. Anyway - so I'm on stage and dancing and singing and at some point I got bumped and I just went down. Not hard and not stupid, its like I sat down and there was no chair. IT WAS HYSTERICAL. I'm a dumbass, I make no excuses, I fell. Thanks Mike for picking my drunk butt up - he's talented, somehow he was able to play guitar and offer a hand - good job bro. HA - good times.

Now for all of you out there who have not seen the band live, I highly suggest you do so and I also suggest you check out their website for dates of performances and to listen to a sampling of their music. Good stuff. You can also see some whacked out photos of me on their website from the first performance I ever saw of them - here and here. Now, before you look at them - know this - I was BLACK OUT BLIND DRUNK when these photos were taken. I mean, I barely remember that night, let alone acting like an asshole and jumping in some unknown person's pictures - swear, I have NO idea who these people are in the pictures - none. But I have great boobs so all is forgiven.

On another note, Saturday night my mac card was also stolen. Not cool. So not cool because the thief used it twice by 3:30 a.m. so now I have the distinct displeasure of filing a fraud claim with my bank who I loathe as is right now - long story so not worth retelling. But now I'm panicking because if I thought I didn't have money before, I'm shit out of luck right now until this gets settled. I can't even pay bills - URGH!!! Debt is a huge huge concern and worry of mine - I have fantastic credit and I worry about getting in debt all the time. I need a second job, which I will be searching for shortly. Yuk.

So yesterday I spent the day inside sulking, eating and not talking to anyone because its just one more thing to add to a long list of frustrations going on in my life right now. But I'll get through it, just like I get through everything else. Its at times like this that I like to sing a little jingle from the fabulous 80's:

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh-no
I got to keep on movin'
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch ground Oh-no,
I got to keep on movin'

Love that song. Wish I had a stereo pumping it as I walked around in my own little fog - which after the weekend I had, I'm in serious need of a brain and liver transplant. I was in a coma like state from Thursday night through last night with not much of a breather in between. But guess what? Its all good in Mer's hood.

Friday, October 14, 2005

F*cking Hangovers Suck

Ass. No other way to describe how I feel right now. I feel like ass. Not sure, but I think it has to do with the fact that I got in a HUGE fight with Mr. Stoli. I don't get it?????? One minute we are chilling, laughing it up like good ol' buddies and then next thing you know, I'm puking my guts out in the office bathroom? WTF? I thought we were friends, compadres, amigos, B.F.F., but NOOOOOOOOOO, he had to turn on me and my stomach leaving me heaving over the porcelain god three, no wait, make that four times this morning.

Not sure why I went out last night, actually I do know why, because I'm one of those people when they say they'll do something, they follow through. If I tell you I'll do something with you, I do, I never bail, I'll never be the reason as to why plans ever fail. Originally Trixie and I were supposed to go to a friends bar, but due to the crap ass weather here we thought that traveling that far would not be a good idea so we kept it local and hit the 101 where Mer drank for free. GOOD GOD I LOVE YOU BORTIE!!! BEST BARTENDER EVER!!!! YOU GET BARTENDER OF THE YEAR AWARD!!!!! SMOOCHIE POOCHIES YOU WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING YOU!!!!! I did not pay for one damn drink and when I tried he said, "You don't have to pay, but they (pointing) do." - Sweet. Don't worry folks, I hooked him up with a phat tip. What a sweetheart right? - Him, not me - but I'll take the compliment if anyone is passing them out.

Anywho, last night was a normal, regular, standard Thursday night at the 101....except for two things. First, H hangs out with us, moreso Trixie and Samantha than myself, and in a fucked up way I understand, I think its because, and this might sound weird, but it all ended weird between him and I so the strain on the friendship is understandable. No animosity whatsoever, but I get the distinct feeling he's a little weird with it. Not sure, but no worries here though, he was a drop in the bucket, but anyway, as a reminder H is 6'5", Trixie is like 2'2" - just kidding, she's I think 5'2" or 5'3" and for whatever reason when we go out drinking, Trixie likes to be picked up by him (I know). Well last night he went to pick her up and they both (imagine this in slow motion because that's how it happened) fell. His knees buckled while she was eye to eye with him and he just started to melt down toward the floor with her landing on top. Everyone standing around was not surprised in the least, it was like we were all expecting it to happen at some point in time. We looked at them, laughed and then returned to conversation like something out of a movie. It was bound to happen - I mean, its a bar. Being tossed around in a bar, well that just spells disaster. They are both my friends and I love that girl like a red headed stepchild, but GOD DAMN THAT WAS FUNNY!!!

Second thing of note and you need a little background info. I used to go to school at night and I shared a class with this semi-cute guy. Well during the day I worked with his mother, thus giving us our relation- and to this day when I see her, she'll tell me what he's up to and what not. But since that was like 8 years ago, he doesn't exactly remember me. Now he works here for the same company and every time she sees me, she'll point me out to him and he doesn't make the connection. Well. Last night he was at the bar, talking to H and then H introduced him to us and him and I got to talking and then it all came together for him. He's a great guy and we have SO much in common (mostly sports, i.e. Nascar, hockey, the Giants and the Yankees) and conversation was good and never strained. He was nice to not only me but to Trixie and Samantha as well. But about an hour into hanging out with him, he says to me from across the table with other people talking:

HIM: "I wish my mother had told me before."
ME: "Told you what?"
HIM: "I wish she had told me so we could have dated"
ME: - weird face because that came from left field. "ha ha ha, you're so funny." - trying to blow it off because like, he has a girlfriend he just bought a house with. Yikes.

Twenty minutes later we're talking about hockey (I'm watching replays of the pitiful massacre of the Devils losing to the fucking Rangers) and he says,

HIM: "Will you go out with me?"
ME: "Huh?" - totally befuddled.
HIM: "Yah, like if I got tickets to a hockey game, would you go with me?"
ME: "I would, but I'd pay my own ticket to keep it innocent, but I would love to go to a game." - see what I do here? He has a girlfriend, they live together and I'm not in the business of breaking up a happy home so I'm trying to keep it light.
HIM: "Oh yah, we'll be really good friends" - (Yah, I'm sure that's what you want).

To make a long story short - I was a little tipsy and gave him my number. Not a problem, I told him to bring his girl if he comes to the 101 on Sunday for football, (I kept adding that in there for good measure).

He's already called me..........Three times..........Not good.

Although he is cute and all, he still has a girl that he lives with and I'm not sure where I stand on this. I'm not anyone's booty call, but if he legitimally wants to chill and do the sports thing, I'm down. I don't want to get into that whole scene. I could use some advice on this one and how to handle it in case he does call me again.

Well that's my account of the evening, nothing spectacular - just a fall and some dude hitting on me. Thank god for Coca Cola because it is the one and only reason why I am able to sit here and not puke and shit myself at the same time.

Headed to see my band Urban Trip tomorrow night - and I promise that will most likely be another shit fest. Sweet.

Thursday, October 13, 2005


For those who really know me, you know I have some fucked up dreams. But this one is by far the most vivid and fucked up of them all. I had a dream and Donald Trump was in it.

The dream started off with us leaving the conference room – I apparently was important enough to chill with him. It was myself, his assistant (I think) and some guy – not sure if I was “with” this guy or a business associate, but the feeling I can remember is that I was “with” him. Doesn’t matter, he doesn’t continue on in the dream. Anyway, Donald, the assistant, this guy and myself leave Trump Tower and get in his truck. He starts driving his Escalade and I’m thinking – Donald drives? WTF? But that's cool because you know, Donald likes to keep it real.

I was sitting in the back seat on the right side and we were driving through NYC, although NYC wasn’t NYC, it was somewhat different, yet in my dream I knew I was in NYC. (this happens to me all the time, I see made up places, yet I know the names of where I am) - Donald's driving through traffic, yet there isn't too much traffic, but he yelled at someone anyway. He then started driving up this big ass hill and I remember I could hear the roar of the engine and still I couldn’t believe that Donald was driving – I can’t believe he even knew how to drive. On this particular hill, there were big townhouses on both sides of us and they were HUGE with expensive cars parked outside, these houses kind of reminded me of the houses in San Francisco. Anyway, we got to the top of the hill and then he made a right. Up ahead of us was a long stretch of road and on either side of this road was water.

If this isn’t interesting enough – it gets better.

When we left the main land, NYC, there was an island to the left and there was an island on the right, each housing its own amusement park. These amusement parks had all sorts of rides and big ginormous roller coasters and I say out loud, “I love roller coasters, but you couldn’t get me to go on one of those if you paid me.” – not because they were so high up that they scared the shit out of me, but I didn’t trust these rides, they were like carnival type rides and I felt they would fall apart or something. You know what I'm talking about - those cheesy rides that look like they've seen better days. The amusement parks were full of them and then wham there would be a HUGE roller coaster in the middle of the park. Somehow, somewhere we park and start to explore the amusement park to the left – why I don’t know, but at some point, Donald became my father and his assistant became my mother.

We join a crowd in one area and we walk into an enclosed building where the “ride” is actually a big trampoline with kids jumping on it, with the exception of one big dude who was jumping on it making all the other kids fly through the air, bouncing all over the place. I remember the trampoline was in this pit like area where you could stand on the walls - you could stand on the the sides where there was a ledge and wait your turn. The building, the walls and anything not related to the people or the trampoline was painted lime green. Again WTF? But I didn't stay too long because it was too crowded and hot and I decided I needed to leave.

It gets better.

Now I’m walking out and I'm headed to the main land, but I'm not on a path or a sidewalk. Oh no, that would be normal. I don’t know how else to describe it. The walkway I was walking on had water on either side and it was floating, like a pier walkway. I get to one point and the area has been corroded by the water and its flooded and in order to get to the main land where the car is parked I have to – get this – scale some shelves to my left. The shelves went three quarters around this area and I had to go along these shelves to make it to the other side.

So there I am scaling shelves, one book shelf after another and its not easy because there is a lot of stuff on these shelves. Get this though, these shelves are holding, not books, not pictures or anything normal, no these shelves are holding tools. TOOLS!!! Power drills, saws, ratchets, screwdrivers, nails, screws and these shelves are painted red – but a worn red so that you see the plywood underneath. These shelves and tools have definitely been put to good use and there is even saw dust and normal dust covering some of this stuff.

I’m not 100% sure, because I woke up, but I think I made it to the other side.

I have weird dreams ALL THE TIME. I have Scooby Doo dreams where I have to solve mysteries and crap like that, but this one is like WTF? Roller Coasters? Water? Scaling Shelves? DONALD DRIVING!!!!!!! What is this? Its crazy I tell ya.

When I get home later I'm going to look this all up in my dream book.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

And the Rant Continues......

Last night was yet another awful sleep night. I sit and I go over things in my head, one right after the other and it can keep me up for hours on end. Why do I torture myself? Sometimes I don't mind these inner work sessions where I assess what makes me happy and what doesn't, however, last night was all about what doesn't make me happy.

I've come to the distinct conclusion that these last few months - how awesome they may have been - have indeed been spent living for the day and not thinking enough about the future. I've allowed myself to be taken a little too much with the flow and now, in October, I'm finally feeling the pressure to do something with myself. Almost to the point of stricking myself with anxiety. Not good. Its not good because I tend to start losing my hair when this happens and this morning there was a clump of it in the drain. So. Not. Good. This means I'm stressing and we can't have any of that right now.

My post the other day had me ranting all about people and things that piss me off. I should really have seen that as a sign to wake myself up and really realize that I'm just not happy with myself. I'm not happy with finances, I'm not happy with my job, I could give a fuck about a real relationship with a guy. I DO NOT want to be with someone until I am on my feet in a way that I think is substantial and I'm not talking about just paying down some debt. I want to be my own person with my own money and my own life. I'm not going to pass the time with some guy and get sucked into something that isn't right for me.

Its shit or get off the pot time.

Of course this means that there will probably be less and less posts because my life will not be the stupid conglomeration of getting drunk and making out with inappropriate fellas. It simply cannot be that way any longer.

Exactly what has me so up in arms about myself? For starters, yes, money is an issue and I have none of it and I don't see a forseeable answer in the immediate future. A second job will come soon. Second, my job here is not as fulfilling as I would like it to be. I've mentioned this before - I like my boss, I like the people I work with, but there really isn't a whole lot to do here, thus turning my brain into mush. I fuck up on the smallest and easiest of tasks. That is not me. I basically used to run two departments prior to this - I was the "Go To" girl - not anymore. Right now I feel like a lump on a log. Not cool.

My plan is to get back on my feet with money and then really start to do one of two things (1) look for another position when I've been here exactly a year. This job will be for more money and it will be at an outside corporation - I've been here 8 years and I think its time to move on. (2) start my own business. I have NO idea what it will be, but working for myself sounds pretty good. It will be in some kind of sales since I know I have a knack for sales, why I am in a desk job is beyond me.

I would LOVE to act, but let's be honest, that is a long shot - not saying I won't give it at least a chance, but I have to have something to fall back on.

Third, I've said this as well before, but I must continue to work out and get back in the A-1 shape that I used to be. Unfortunately my back has thrown me a curve ball in the last two weeks and its killing me, thus stopping me from all exercise for a little while. I hate that. I like the gym and I hope to get back in there 5 times a week.

And lastly, I'm no longer wasting time. Life is too precious. Although I do not have the funds to do any of the things that I enjoy, I'd rather do something creative with plastic spoons and yarn than waste any more time. I have to be proactive and not inactive.

People change their lives everyday. They find something they have a passion for and stick with it. Why not me? Why can't I be one of those success stories on the Oprah show? If Joe Schmo can do it, then why can't I?

I've started four books in my life. The first one was when I was in the 5th grade. The second I started back in 2001 and I have yet to finish it. Its a great story and I have an ending, but I need to bring it all together. I pick it up, re-read it, write a couple of pages and then stop. I have two other stories like that and I can't stand it. Perhaps I should cut the shit and sit down and really work on it. What if this is the golden ticket I've been looking for and my lazy ass is keeping me from doing it?

Between my last post and this one - you think I'm trying to work out any issues? Shit.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Ranting 101

The text messaging post was lame. Yes, admit it - its ok, its just that I'm a little spent these days and I don't have much to write about.

You want to know what is really going on? Well lets see?????..... - I'm stressed for a few reasons and I hate being stressed. I used to be stressed all the time but between my ex-husband and Ted I don't have time to be stressed anymore and I don't like to be upset for any reason. If you bother me, then I'm done with you. I have NO TIME to get aggravated anymore and I won't put myself in those situations. You piss me off, se la vi. I won't even bother telling you that I'm pissed, just leave me alone.

I think it might be this weather we are having and its bringing me down or making me cranky - I think its the latter and not the former. I've done a lot of changing this summer and I now know what sets me off and what doesn't and why I don't really give a shit anymore.

Ok, first, I don't debate with anyone anymore. Its not THAT important for me to be right - so if you argue with me and you HAVE to prove your point, I shut up. You know why? Because I know what I know and I was not put on this earth to prove you wrong. I had to do that with Glenn night and day, day and night. I've been right enough times in my life to not have to argue with you or anyone.

If you are my friend or even a complete stranger, then I won't and refuse to fight with you - if its that important to you to be right about the pending weather forecast - fine - you win. I won't argue with you that it will be sunny with a chance of rain over sunny with some clouds covering the area. Fuck it - you win o great and mighty wonderful one. You won the great sunshine debate. Feel good asshole?

Also, I know an alcoholic when I see one and a druggie when he's near. There are some shady people out there..... stay the fuck away from me. I have no time for anyone who abuses alcohol or drugs. If you have a friend who does any one of these, leave them home or give me the wrong address because I don't want to chill with these types anymore.

Second, I talk to Ted and I hate that I hide it. I've even seen him a few times and I hide that too. Actually no one ever asks me who I'm on the phone with or who I just saw or what I did. I don't see him enough for it to be a concern, but I have in fact seen him and each and every time has been nice. That's it. Nice. I don't write about him because this one thing is private and delicate and I want it left alone. I'm happy that I don't talk about him because it makes him less real to the outside world - the world being friends and family. I have tried to talk to these people wanting advice or maybe even acceptance, but they balk and then I change the conversation - so again - FUCK it. He's not a big part of my life right now so its ok to me that I don't discuss him. Why make it an issue when it isn't one? Again, I'm different than before. Why bother discussing issues when they aren't worth it? No need to ruffle feathers.

Third, I hate people who brag or think they are any better than you and me. I don't brag. I don't sit there and give people my resume of a life when I talk to them. If you and I are engaged in a topic and it comes up that I've been here or there - its just part of the conversation. My life when I was with Glenn was MUCH different than it is now. I wanted for NOTHING - money was coming in hand over fist and I wanted for nothing. I went everywhere, I did everything - I bought it all. Life was good in that respect. We vacationed where we wanted to and it was always the best of everything at the very best places. From Broadway shows to sporting events, I did it all. I hate it when people assume I'm not as seasoned in the arts as I am. I hate it when people assume anything period.

I hate it when people brag to me about something I've done a thousand times over. You know why? Because to me its not a big deal. I'm not gonna kiss your ass and worship you just because you did or are doing something that I consider part of everyday life. I'll say "Wow that's awesome" - because it probably is and I'm happy for you - because if you are my friend, then I am sincerely happy for you. But I won't make a big deal out of it. I consider the life I've lead to this point in my 28 years to be extremely privilaged and I'm happy with it because its mine. I'm no less of a person because I'm not doing them at this particular point in time. Those experiences will be with me forever. (I had a boss that was like that and I hated her for it).

I also miss sports and this time of year has me missing them even more. I loved watching sports, listening to SportsCenter every morning - going to 3-5 games a week whether it be a Yankee, Devils, Giants or yuk, even Jets game - it didn't matter, I loved going to sporting events. I used to have a lot of contacts and a big extended family - tickets were never an issue to any sporting event. I miss that. I miss being the die hard fan I once was. Knowing everything about every player on all my teams. Times have changed and so have I. I miss them and I can certainly be just like that again, but I don't have the desire, the want and the need. But I miss it, I really do.

I miss playing all the sports I played. Again I don't brag so there are people out there, that I am in fact close to that don't know I played in an all men's softball league for 4 years in West Paterson, New Jersey - not because I petitioned to play - it was because I was asked to play. I played first base, catcher and short center and on occassion third base and I was actually pretty good. I've also been in a hockey league, but it cost too much and the drive was pretty far, thus ending that. Also, when I become good at something, I lose interest - I know I can do it therefore there is no more challenge anymore. - and don't get me started on athletic ability in high school - even if I could have gone all state in high school, I don't sit and converse about it - because that was high school, not now. - I HATE those people who hold onto high school memories and talk about them like they are still the shit 10 years later. Idiots. Especially wrestling - DO NOT get me started on those people who drone on about wrestling and how good they were in HIGH SCHOOL. Let it go bro. Let it go.

I'll get back into sports when I have someone to share it with. FUCK YOU if you think that's very bandwagon - it would be bandwagon if I didn't stick with the same teams - its not bandwagon when you take a break for personal burnt out issues.

My family and friends who knew me even a year ago know what sports were like for me. They understand. Hell Ted even commented on the sports issue, but that's another story.

Another thing I don't do that I used to....keep any memorabilia. I don't make scrap books of vacations - or keep keepsakes from first dates and whatnot. I don't keep stubs from games - jeez, I used to have a whole shoebox full of ticket stubs, but now, to me its just another piece of paper. I had my Stanley Cup tix at my desk for the longest time, but now, no more. Although my World Series tix are still sealed up and in a box.

I used to collect a lot. An example of a crazy item I used to have? I used to own the original print blocks from the day the Daily News ran the story from the Devils winng the 2000 Stanley Cup. They were sweet. (Got them for free too so that makes them even sweeter!!!) They now live with Glenn, but that's ok. My Randy Moss autographed pic was pretty nice as well, but alas, that's with Glenn as well. Stupid yes, but a major priority now? No.

I know I just went off about a few things, and I want to thank you all for listening. Certain things have been bothering me for awhile. I don't ever bring them up because why bother? Who wants to hear me rant about how much I hate people who brag, or how much it bothers me that I can't stock my wine fridge with $50 bottles of wine anymore? (yes, I used to have a wine fridge). Who cares if my weekends were spent at Martha's Vineyard or in Bridgeport Connecticut? Just sometimes, once in a blue moon, it does in fact get to me that I don't live like that anymore. It bothers me when people brag in my face about this, that and another thing - I don't go back at them and try to one up them. Why bother? I know the life I had, I know what I've done in the past. Do I really need to feel better than this person? I know I am. Just kidding.

Trixie made an offhand comment this morning that got me thinking about sports and how much they used to mean to me and how little they mean to me now. I've already come to terms with the relationship side of Mer. I've kissed my toads this summer, I had wilder times than I probably should have - I'm better than some of the things I've done, but I experienced them and now know what I like and don't like. Go me. If a relationship isn't working out to where I'm the princess and should only be treated as such - then fuck it, its not the right relationship for me. I learned that this summer. This summer held a lot of changes for me. I started out one way and I've ended it another. Nothing in my life is the same and I like it.

That said, the comment from Trixie had me assessing some stuff. One small comment and I wrote all of this.

Now that I know what I want from a relationship - what else is there for me? I've closed that chapter - the relationship portion of Mer is complete - of course it needs fine tuning but that won't happen until I am in a relaitonship again and there is NO rush for that.

Where do I go from here? Mer found serenity with relationships. Now she needs to find serenity with everything else in her life. What makes me tick? What drives me?

I've become so nonchalant about affairs that I'm becoming blase about my life. What happens happens. Not good. Perhaps I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my life. Again the big part is done, now I have to work on the other 75% of Mer.

To Text or Not to Text

For those who are in my circle of friends, you already know that we text message a lot. Like, a WHOLE lot.

At work we email all day long. "We" being any one of my friends - we email, constantly. Its all good because if you are the phone, then you have to get it all out and take time away from what you are doing. But if I get an email and I'm typing a letter, I can wait until the letter is done and then I respond. OR, if its something long and tedious, then I welcome the break - either way, email is a win win situation for me.

But text messaging? We do it in ridiculous amounts - and its not just ME! People as I get to know them, seem to like to text message as well. Not a problem because I'm accommodating.

I find text messaging fun and yet tiresome all at the same time. Sometimes I want to tell the person something and not have to type it all out, yet I don't want to get stuck on the phone. These are the times that its a pain in the ass. That and if you are with someone who does not understand the art of text messaging, then you are automatically annoying said person. That's when things go to vibrate mode.

Not this past weekend, but the weekend prior, I was hanging out with a new guy. Not "new" in the sense that I just met him, new in the fact that there is a"tension" between us, yes, this could be a new love interest, but I'm not saying anything to jinx it. But this poor guy had to endure a good half hour of me text messaging. Here's the thing - we were watching sports so I felt like it was ok to be interrupted - not like we were doing the horizontal mambo or anything and this was breaking the rythym - nope. We were sitting there watching football - more like the Giants laying the smack down, but you get the idea.....anyway he'll just have to learn to deal.

I'm not exactly sure as to why we (friends) text so much. Its a way of staying in contact with another friend when you are with other people. Its complicating and annnoying, yet fun like getting mini-presents all throughout the day.

My favorite text messages though are that of the naughty nature - far and few between I do in fact naughty text with one person and things Good God they get fun and raunchy....just the way we like it. And don't ask me who it is, I won't tell because that's part of the fun. Its my secret for me to blush and giggle at when it happens. And if you are in my presence when I get one of these text messages, I apologize now because they're fun and I like them more than I like you.....just kidding.

Of course texting does in fact get expensive. If you don't have a plan, then you'll learn that real fast. I went over my plan and had to pay out an extra $46 buckaroos last month. Whoops.

But its all good in my hood. You know why? Because I'm the boss of me and I kick ass like that. So there.

Friday, October 07, 2005

The Memory Meter

Ever smell something and it brings you RIGHT back to a specific moment in time? Its like you're walking around minding your own business and BOOM! you are brought back to a moment set back in your memory and it just freaks you the fuck out. It can be a good memory that makes you smile or a horrid one that makes you sad or even angry.

This happened to me TWICE today. Its only 8:13 a.m. and its happened twice. Go figure.

First moment was getting on the elevator and I guess someone must have been wearing a ton of cologne - men's Curve. Ted used to wear it all the time. Today it is raining and the combination of the heat, the humidity and the cologne brought me back to a moment when I was sitting in his bedroom waiting for him. It was summer and we had just started dating and I was happy. I had that "new relationship" feeling - you know, the one where you don't know everything about the other person and its still exciting and fresh, untarnished and pretty. I looked down at the ground and a smile crossed my face. It was a good memory and I welcomed it fully.

The second moment, and this one was even more vivid than the first and it actually occurred only moments after I got off the elevator. First a little background. I grew up in a town called Fair Lawn, New Jersey. Nabisco has one of its headquarters there and they actually bake most of the goods you have in your home at this particular facility. Fair Lawn is not a big town, but its not that small either - still, whenever Nabisco bakes, if the wind is just right, you can catch a whiff from just about anywhere. I can remember days sitting in grade school with the windows open doing something like, I don't know, Social Studies or Math and WHAM, that delicious cookie smell would waff into the room. Everyone would lift their heads, noses in air and just sniff...aaaaahhhhhh - class actually came to a hault. How could it not!!!

I'm getting off the elevator here at work, I walk outside (again, our campus consists of about 5 buildings) and I'm hit with a delicious sent of cookies and chocolate. I wanted to touch myself the smell was that overwhelming and yummy. And then WHAM!! I'm in grade school on the playground with all my friends (mostly boys) playing a pick up game of two hand touch football and the game stops so we can all enjoy the smell coming from Nabisco. AAaaaahhhhhhh, that's lovely.

Isn't it weird that this happens? I know it has to do with your Olfactory system and all, but I think its amazing. I mean I'll smell a certain hairspray and then shazaaam, I'm in high school getting ready to go to school. Every time I smell Aramis I think of my ex-boyfriend - the architect - the guy that I dumped because I'm a freakin' moron - but that's another story.

Its the same way with songs. Right now I'm listening to a mix and an old school song is playing - Expose - "I'll never get over you getting over me" - this reminds me of having a crush on a boy and things never panning out, still, its a good memory because it makes me feel alive for having memories of life at all. I'm a romantic - I'm very nostolgic and I welcome memories. Memories to me always bring a small smile, they are never malicious in nature, but truly small treasures that I'm always fond of.

For instance, right now (again this is an old mix) Naughty by Nature O.P.P is playing. Instantly I think about being a freshman in high school driving around in this kid's truck - he was a senior and this was completely taboo to be in a car with an older boy. I'd later wind up dating him - after I dated his brother. Whoops.

I like and welcome memories, sometimes I pop in a certain CD or tape and just listen. My favorite days to do this are rainy days. I get into my best nostalgia moods and bring myself back in time and recount the good stuff. The stuff that makes me feel lucky to have loved and lost rather than never loved at all.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

A Toast

B is probably one of the funniest people I know. I think its a combination of his quick wit and his sarcastic nature that do it for me. I'm going to try very hard to relate a story he told me that occurred a few months ago. I'm sure that I'll fuck up some of the details, but I'll do my best so you get the general gist of the story.

B went to a pretty prestigous college and he was in a frat, thus making him the token frat guy amongst us here. Anyway, as is with many people after graduation, B has been going to a slew of weddings. One of which was his former roommate of 3 years. All through the three years this kid - we'll call him Joe, dated one particular girl that he wound up getting engaged to thus bringing us to present day and this particular wedding. Of course because of his bond with Joe, B was asked to be in the wedding party and as with all weddings there was a rehearsal dinner.

As it was described to me, the rehearsal dinner was actually quite the affair and many people attended - again prestigous school - people with money.

During the cocktail hour when everyone was standing around shooting the breeze, the groom's father came up to B's group of guys and announced that during the toast he would really like it if one of them could get up and say a few words. B HATES I mean LOATHES to be placed in awkward positions and public speaking would NOT be his forte, so his buddy Brian stepped up to the plate and told the father that he would be happy to say a few words. B thought to himself "Whew, that was a close one." - oh yeh, I forgot to mention, him and all his friends were getting crocked at that particular point in the evening, each of them becoming more and more drunk as the night wore on.

Dinner begins and its a lovely affair. The groom's father gets up and says a few nice words and then he turns to B's group of friends and asks one of them to speak - Brian stands up and says, "You know I really had something nice to say but I think B here to could say it so much better."

B was HORRIFIED. But he's not one to back down either so he stood up and began his speech. He made the usual pleasantries and spoke of their friendship,

"Joe and I had nothing in common, I'm an only child, he's one of five. I'm from Jersey, he's from Pittsburgh...blah blah blah.....but Beth is a great girl and they are lucky to have one another. I shared a room with Brian for three years and it was great, but I have to tell you both .....I wasn't always sleeping..."

[insert sound of crickets here]

Uh yeh B - way to go.

No one laughed except his friends sitting at the table. He had no idea what to do about it. He fumbled, turned all shades of red, his mouth went dry and he felt like an idiot. He wrapped it up and sat down.

Now if I was there and I didn't know B, I'd probably still laugh, but can you imagine how mortified they were? Of course he did what any one of us would do, he drank some more and made sure he avoided the parents at all costs.

Good job B, I'm so proud of you.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Great Debates

Massage or Brazilian Wax

Recently I came upon a gift certificate that I have yet to use. It expires in November.....(Good job Mer). I'm one of those people who hordes things, not quite a pack rat because I do know how to let things go, however, when I have something nice, I use it very very wisely. I like to contemplate it and make sure I'm choosing to use it for the right thing. I hate being left feeling like I made a bad choice. Anyway....

Now I'm left with this certificate for I think about $75 or $100, I can't remember, I was just happy to find it. I have a plethura of things that I can have done to my body, but what would be more advantageous? I have debates for the two items that I have narrowed it down to.

The massage.

I don't like people I don't know touching me. Strangers rubbing up against me in the elevator freaks me out, like I need to decontaminate or something - perhaps its not that extreme, but it still urkes me and you get the idea.

Also, sometimes they hurt. When I had my very first massage done on my honeymoon, the woman hurt me - I was like "Ouch! That hurt!" - for the better part of the massage. She kept digging her fingers into my calf and I wanted to punch her in her big round head. Dumb broad. And then she touched my naked butt. So not cool. Now as someone who doesn't like to be touched (I like to be touched, don't get me wrong, just not by strangers), this did not leave me in the good graces of any masseuse. But I digress.

I have had other massages, the main one being a back massage that I had done during the height of my back problems and I loved it. I told the woman specifically what was bothering me and it was very very nice. This is the ONLY reason why I would get this same massage again. My back has been bothering me a lot lately and I thought this might help. However, the comfort and luxury only lasts a short while and then I'm left spending the dough and still feeling tense.

The Brazilian Wax

For you ignoramuses I will explain what a Brazilian Wax is. Its a bikini wax kicked up a notch. Only with the Brazilian, EVERYTHING is waxed down in the private sector. Back to front - gone. I used to get these done on a regular basis, but as my relationship continued and things began to dwindle I stopped. Also, that shit's expensive.

Second bad thing, it grows back, its not permanent. I'm not a hairy person, I'm Italian, yet my arms are bare - go figure, so the average wax lasts me a little longer and that's a good thing. However, I don't have anyone to share it with. Now I know a few of you would gladly volunteer, but that's ok I'll pass. Really. Its ok.

But the Brazilian is hot. No doubt about it, its hot. Still, no one to share it with.

Which do I choose? I have no idea. A massage that doesn't last long or a wax that no one will see? Then again I'm headed to Boston in two weeks, perhaps I'll get lucky there and surprise some strapping young lad.......AAaaahhhhhhh (squealing laughter).

Ho hum and fiddly dee, decisions decisions.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I'm a Semi-Bad Person

Its been a few weeks so I think I can finally talk about this. This is most likely going to be long so get comfortable.

You all want the scoop on what happened with Kenny? Lots of misunderstandings and stubborness...that's what.

I'm not a gossip - normally I keep to myself and secrets are pretty safe with me. I don't need to burst any bubbles and I don't keep bad friends so gossip is not me. However, sometimes I stick my foot so far in my mouth that my thigh is connected to my cheek.

When I first started talking to Kenny I told him about this website. I told him that I write what I want to write, but it should never be taken seriously. I write my shit out here in the moment - rare are the days when I sit down ahead of time and actually write it out beforehand. That being said...he went on the hunt to find this site. All the while being told that he shouldn't, but you know what they say about curiosity and the cat....He couldn't find it.....until I fucked up and used his computer one day making him able to ascertain the info he needed. But its ok, no one knows him, I changed his name and I didn't say anything BAD, but he could now get inside my head. Not good. He also got to read about my wild summer. Not good either. But whatever, I'm me - love me or leave me either way I'm a survivor.

He asked me one thing and one thing only - that if I had any problems with him I should talk to him about it first. Ok, fine. I got that. He also said that perhaps it would be smart for me to start another blog to write out frustrations I have with everyone and anyone. Good idea - his idea. Ok. Fine. I got that too.

Got this all so far? Not brain surgey so I'll move on. With certain people in my life, I am very explicit with story telling. I don't use naughty words, its just that I can tell intimate things to specific people. Trixie is one, my guy friend is the other (no need to put his real name up, he reads this site - so we'll call him James). Well. Kenny and I started dating and I can honestly say I liked him for him. There wasn't any ONE thing that stood out - he was a stand up, solid guy - funny and smart, cute, made a living - you know all of this, you've read my site. Duh. He treated me good and he was smitten.


Kenny and I were only dating, no exclusiveness, still able to do my thing. Now remember, I liked him for him - nothing more. That said, I told my confidants that the whole intimate department was not my taste. Of course I was a little more descriptive than that. Got to remember, these are people I talk closely with so I can be candid like that. Spare me your grumbling, we all do it. We all talk about one thing or another with our close friends.

However, my dumb drunk stupid butt used his NASA issued cell phone to check my hotmail account and read an email from James. THE second I read the first line I knew I was busted. "I forgot that you had a make-out session with Carmine." - Yes people, I kissed Carmine one very blasted night. Not a big deal, but Kenny didn't need to know about it. So my drunk butt closed the program on his phone, screen went white, my name was called to sing (of course we were doing the lame karaoke thing) and I handed to phone back and said, "don't read that." - still thinking that I had closed the program successfully, but to be on the safe side, I told him not to.

Did it go that way? Nope.

He of course did not hear me and the next day he logged onto his NASA issued cell phone and WHOOPS - there was my email. I don't know exactly what was written, I erased it the next day after I read it. But I believe it said one or two things about Kenny and the fact that stuff wasn't "hot" enough. Ok, my bad. It also, obviously, said that I made out with Carmine. Ok, my bad again. I didn't deny any of it.

This is where things get odd.

He waited like 5 days to say something. In those five days he hung out with me, we chilled, had great laughs, yet he didn't bring it up. What is that? Ok fine. But when he finally did decide to say something, he was ok with everything. Like super cool. He said we could "work on things" and of course he said other things in his defense in "that department" - whether or not they were true, I could honestly give a rats ass - but I digress. But he was still cool with the fact that I made out with another guy. Two points here. First, I basically rip him apart in an email to ANOTHER guy AND....AND!!!!, I make out with someone else and he's ok with BOTH??????

WTF????? But let's move on shall we?

Many of you out there in cyberspace would have put me on the chopping block. I would have too!! Come on now!!! I guess his reaction right there - being so nonchalant, kind of started his demise. I DON"T want someone beating me to death, don't get the wrong impression, but honestly, I'm Italian, I need SOME kind of yelling going on to know you care.

Onward further - because this shit gets even better.

At the same time as this email is flying around, I had started my other blog. This blog as mentioned before was an experiment for ME. There were NO ties to my other site and no one except James and one other person who lives in St. Louis knew about this site. Its explicit. Like I try my hardnest not to be the coy Mer, I'm a vixen. But in a few posts I've talked about things going on in my life - one of which was Kenny and his lack.....well intimacy issues turning me on. We'll leave it at that. This website was HIS idea and I never used anything to describe him or his name, identity - no one even knew about it. I didn't even describe things that happened with him, just that it wasn't hot. Well maybe I said one thing that can be misconstrued, but again it wasn't a bad thing - I even went on to say that I liked him for him and I was willing to still give it a go.

Things were fine. Until one fine day, until about a week after the email incident I'm checking my stat counter on Finding Mer and then I go over to Blah blah blah and I notice the same IP address show up on both sites. Not only that, but this is the same IP address that I had pegged for Kenny. Not Good. My Stomach flew out my ass and I think my colon did the tango on its way out.

I was furious. Completely furious. I know I'm not a good person for writing what I wrote, then again I didn't write anything awful. PLUS, its all anonymous - he can't be identified. I was furious because he's the one who told me to start the damn thing in the first place. AND, whatever issues I had with him, I was trying to "coach" him on. Just because I didn't outwardly talk to him about it doesn't mean that I wasn't trying to communicate with him. I have other means of communication - if you get my drift. But whatever.

I took the defensive. I was so mad that if I had talked to him I would have made no sense whatsoever - I would have sounded like Ricky Ricardo - but I don't speak Spanish so that wouldn't have gone over well.

I was only 99.9% sure that he found the other site. So I posted to it and I wasn't nice - I blasted him (never used his real name or even his pseudo name) for searching for it. If he did in fact find it, then he would have read the post and known to leave me alone. If he didn't read it, then all was good with the world.

That evening while on the phone with Trixie he called. I didn't pick up, again, still too furious - I'm Italian, sue me. Got a voicemail from him and basically he conceded defeat.

Tail between legs? Not sure, again it was only a VM. But then a few days later I received an email - him giving me the shove off saying he wasn't sure if he could date me knowing that his personal life was being exploited.

Spare me.

He was completely interested in having himself displayed on my site, not worried or concerned - but he was foolish to believe that it would ALWAYS be good. Also, this site is a diary - a small fraction of my life - these posts are thoughts and feelings and I repeat myself constantly that this is a forum for me to work out issues. Still he didn't believe me - he persued it further. He was warned not to look at THIS site, yet he did - he didn't take the warning. He was told NOT to take it seriously, he did because he tried to tell me stuff about me - don't analyze me ok? You don't know shit just from reading a few posts.

I fessed up when I was wrong (email to James) and I apologized for it- again, I'm talking personally to a friend of mine - but it was his phone, I see that argument. Fine. But at his suggestion I created the other website and he gets upset because its truth and not all peaches and cream. He wanted me to talk to him about his inability to kiss me correctly? I did better than that - I showed him. Isn't that communication? I took Communication in Action in college, I believe it is.

And instead of confronting me, he emails me. My response? I took the high road and told him that I wasn't going to go on the defensive because then the emails would fly and I left it at that.

I guess I wasn't all that upset either because life went on as usual. I wasn't going to marry him and I wasn't all self conscious about it - worrying what he thought about me and blah blah blah. It was what it was and I'm fine with it. What happened happened and you can argue for both sides. I take the blame, but to a point.

But this whole situation rubbed me the wrong way and that's why I had to tell you. That and the fact that I love you all and must tell you everything. Not EVERYTHING, but enough.

I know where I went wrong, but at the same time, despite the fact that this is on the internet for all the world to read, I still feel like he invaded my space somewhat. I know that sounds crazy, but I did ask him to stay away on more than one occasion. I was wrong for the other website, but I can't tell you enough, I didn't write anything bad.

Doesn't matter now does it? I've moved on.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Mood Swing

Foul mood today and I don't know why. Ever wake up and just want to punch someone in the head? That's me today and I can't figure it out. The weekend was pretty chill - never got to see my band though which was big bummer.

Trixie's friend was in from California and instead of seeing her Friday night, plans were changed to Saturday night. I'm not a jerk and I know the band will be playing again at some point in time, so we switched plans. It wasn't THAT big of a deal, but the plans for Saturday night were a little "off" to say the least and nothing worked out well. We literally bar hopped for the better part of the night - 3 different clubs - 3 completely separate towns and 3 unnrelated crowds of friends. Good stuff. That made up for the loss of the band - and I got to dance at the last of the three so that was an extra bonus - that and the fact that the manager let us bypass the $20 cover - SUPER BONUS - and some dude bought us drinks without even talking to us - FUCKING A. If I didn't get to drink and dance, then I would have gone ape shit - but alas, that did not happen.

Funny story, Trixie and I saw two people at the last club we knew from work - let's call them Frick and Frack. Well. Frick is so up Trixie's ass it ain't funny. I didn't know Frack, but he works here and he was all up on my shit too.

Here's the thing: Men. If you can't dance, DON'T WASTE MY TIME. DO NOT try to keep up if you are part of the rhythmless nation. I'm good, but I can't carry on the dance duo if you can't deal. Ok, that said, this big ox named Frack, did in fact try to dance with me and I gave him an audition and fail he did. He tried to pull the bullshit on me that he can salsa and shit, but who fucking cares when the club is playing Hip Hop? Spare me. Paalease. Of course when Trixie herself got frustrated and turned to me to dance, I took the open opportunity and continued on my way. Well. Frack did NOT like that. So much so that he sulked - a 30 year old man sat there in the corner and actually fucking sulked. You know what affect that has on me? - I LAUGH AT YOU!!! Pansy - stay home if you can't take rejection. TO GOD DAMN FUNNY. Gets better, Frick wanted to stay and chill and cozy up to Trixie. Not happening. You know why - because A) Trixie wasn't interested and B) Frack was so upset that I wouldn't dance with him, he made Frick leave early. Frack was his ride. One word to describe both men. Pussy.

I'm on the hunt for a real man. He doesn't need to build me a house with his bare hands, but he's got to know when not to take my shit. Kenny did that - he allowed me - to an extent (long story which I will post eventually because its just too good) throw my princess shit around. Ted never ever allowed that to happen - I could NEVER get away with anything - thus making him strong and manly in my eyes. B is this way and one of my friends that I met through blogging is the same way. Doesn't take my shit and gives great advice - Good stuff - he knows who he is.

Where were we? Oh the weekend, right. I did in fact see Ted and I want you ALL to be happy to know this....seeing him and having his friendship has indeed given me closure. I talked to Trixie about this the other day and if I lost touch with him again, I'd be super fine. No more worrying about what if, no more thinking about him and comparing other men to him. You know why? Because besides the evident problems we had due to his "issues" - there are other things that would still drive me crazy. One thing that stands out more now than ever - he's smart, like street smart, pretty fast and quick witted, but there is still the "Duh" factor from all the drugs- he has no culture and his lack of real intelligence when it comes to anything substantial is a downfall. Too bad because he's still hot. But I digress.

All in all, I'm happy with my decisions. I'll still be his friend, he'll always have a place in my heart, but it won't and can't be in that capacity. That makes me feel more independent and happy than anything that has happened in a long time.

I can be alone. I can be me. I don't need to have any men in my life whether dating, sleeping with, flirting with - none. Me..... Me alone.

One word: Beautiful.

I found strength through obstacles and pain. I found it - I knew it was there lurking in the shadows. My journey of course is still not complete, lots to do and change still. It hit me this morning that I don't want to do this job much longer. Although my job is cool, its not what I love and its not where I should be. I'm going to get back into the swing of things. Paperwork is not me. I'll figure something out, not sure what though. Just not this.

You know what? I feel a little better now. I'll still ring someone's neck if they cross me of course, but my general mood is actually better. Thanks.