Thursday, June 30, 2005
I just got back from Starbucks', yuummmyyy, and I think I met my future husband. Well he doesn't know he's my future husband, but I definitely wouldn't mind jumping on his head. I'm full of energy people so I'll probably be posting ALL. DAY. LONG. - but back to my husband. He fit a lot of the criteria - mainly, he was hot, but he was also funny. He looked like Dermot Mulroney (from My Best Friend's Wedding). I'm flushed. Too bad our brief affair didn't last another second or two because I would have had him. Oh yes, I would have had him - right there, behind the counter with the whip cream and vanilla latte. Yowzer.
I need to calm down. Deep breaths. Serenity now, serenity now. Yamma yamma yamma yaaaaammmmaa (Do you get that joke? Hightower - C.O.P. Citizen's on Patrol from the Police Academy movies).
Also I saw Marcus. Couldn't help but look at the lips that brought me so much pleasure. Yummy. He's too calm to be with a rambuncious ginny like me. My blood is on fire right now, my heart is skipping and so are my loins. Geez louise, I need affection in the worst way.
Oh and my boobs look outrageously large today. Thanks Trixie, I look like a porn star in this bra. Ok, so this might not be the worst thing in the world to happen to me.
Perhaps I'm amped up because its my night out with the ladies? Tonight should be fun - it always is right? One of the local magazines will be at the pub we frequent on Thursday nights. They asked us to be there tonight so we could get in the magazine. Trixie and I have a reputation so we must deliver. HA! So if I have your phone number, expect a drunk voicemail at work tomorrow. B and Matt, LOOK OUT! Of course B doesn't mind, he gets them all the time and he loves them or at least I think he does. If he doesn't, I'll be sure to leave at least 3 then.
I'm alone in my office today, that can only spell one thing. Disaster. I play really loud music, my productively drops dramatically and I surf the net at an alarming rate. Oh wait, that's everyday.
Trixie just called, I'm meeting her in the lobby and since I'm a social butterfly, I will make sure I stop and talk to AT LEAST 6 people on my way. Nice.
Wanna know something sad? I'm commitment phobic. I have only been dumped once in my life and that was by Phil Devine in the 8th grade because I didn't want to make out with him in front of Jeff Henderson. I ruin every relationship I'm in by some form of manic stupidity. By hook or by crook, I'll finish it off just fine all by myself.
Maybe I'm getting a little hard on myself here, but seriously, I can point out something wrong with every relationship - and even the two good ones that I did have - I found something wrong and crushed the guy into smithereens. Both men loved me more than they have ever loved anything else, but I got antsy and I needed more. On three occassions I've had a man tell me that, "I love you more than my own family." Fucked up right? Not only did I not say the same thing but HOLY COW!! I would NEVER put a man in front of my family.
Actually each adult relationship I have had the men were head over heels in love with me - well who wouldn't be, come on now. Seriously though, Ted is the only relationship I don't feel bad that ended. And that's because he was an alcoholic and he lied to me about drugs. If it wasn't for those things, we'd still be together. Yes, I know they were BIG things, but still I will probably always wonder, "what if."
Until the day we stopped talking he was still professing his love for me - despite his new girlfriend status. He would tell me constantly how much he loved me and still wanted to be best friends. NOT HAPPENING FUCKING PSYCHO! I haven't told anyone that, but its true.
I think the reason why Ted went so ballistic on me, thus causing the restraining order, is because I told him to "Forget all about me. If someone asks how I am, tell them I died. Tell them I don't exist. Our relationship never happened, you and me never were." - Yeh I guess that would be enough to make someone go insane - I'm more important than his family remember?
Why do I think I'm commitment phobic? I can't really put my finger on it. I'm 95% sure that I don't want to ever get married again. I'm on the fence about kids too.
My Ex-Husband Glenn was a good guy - yeh I did everything, but I'm sure if we had gone to marriage counseling we probably could have worked it out - but I don't believe in that. I'm a romantic, I believe in true love forever. The man I spend the rest of my life with will be perfect - for me. Am I setting myself up for disappoint, perhaps, but this is the only true way I'll be happy. I want someone who completes me, who knows my every move and nuance. He won't fall for my pouting or tantrums, but he'll also know when to give into them. I'm complex - I'm the Billy Joel song - "She's Always a Woman To Me." - Ever listen to the words? This woman is one fucked up broad who loves to wrap men around her finger - she changes her mind with the changing of the wind. Yep, yep and yep. - I'm smart and quirky, I'm also very flippant. That's me and its going to be VERY hard to find someone who finds that endearing and will want to love me for all my imperfections.
When I started this website, it was because I had something to say, I wanted to tell the world my pain because I needed to hear that I wasn't alone. I'm still in pain - last night I had an ALMOST breakdown and I'm sure it won't be the last time it almost happens. But I caught myself, I tried to think really hard about what made me happy about Ted, why was it that I was with such a jerk for so long? I'll tell you why; because when he held me, it felt right. When he kissed me, it was perfect. He would hold my hand and it fit - even the way he would pull me close to him in the middle of the night - it all felt perfect. That doesn't happen every day. There was never an awkward moment between us - not once. We just fit like a jigsaw puzzle. Sad but true. We also could talk to each other about the really hard and difficult stuff. I miss that. I miss opening up and divulging dark deep secrets about myself.
I'm droning on about him aren't I? I'll stop because its not healthy.
I've kissed a couple of boys in recent weeks, went a little further with one than I had wanted to, but that was because I was curious and I thought it would help. The other night before sleep fell upon me, I thought about another guy kissing me and I realized I didn't want it. Of couse this may all change once I get drunk, but still, the conscience Mer doesn't think she wants anyone near her. I miss companionship and love. Deep rooted love.
I'm all over the place with this post today. That's how I feel today. I have so much to say, but I'll save it for another post. I'll end it with this:
Trixe and I thought about taking a photography class. I think I'm going to do it either with her or without. I need another outlet. School starts in September and I'll get a second job too. Keeping myself busy is the only way I think I'll find Mer. She's out there waiting to be saved - not by a stranger, but by me. Don't worry Mer, my compass is headed in the right direction. It might take me awhile, but I'll get there soon enough. Promise.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
If I’m not truthful enough, here are some factoids about me, my life, friends and family. I can talk forever about myself, but I’ve limited this to 100. Of course this isn't EVERYTHING about me because a girl needs to be a little mysterious right?
I’m a recovering Choco-holic.
I prefer Dark chocolate
Garfield and Calvin & Hobbes were my favorite cartoon characters
I used to eat lasagna because Garfield did
I was a tomboy until I was 15
I was a lifeguard for 2 years
I’ve been working since I was 14
I am the perpetual college student
I have only one sister, who is older by 7 years
My parents have been married for 38 years
I’m 75% Italian, sorry about that – my Grandmother is the only one not 100% Italian (German, English and I think maybe even French)
Everyone in my family can cook
I have a cast iron stomach, almost nothing bothers me
When I drink, I’m stupid and mix beer, hard liquor and mixed drinks. Whatever I feel like, I drink
I have no “one” particular drink that I like. If its beer its Corona or Bass – shit I’m getting thirsty
I have dark brown hair and its half way down my back
I have dark brown eyes – one of my ex-boyfriends used to say they were brown because I was full of shit. Yeh I dumped his ass.
I’m good at all sports – best at volleyball, swimming and softball
Made Varsity softball and volleyball freshman year in high school
Quit both because I wanted to be a lifeguard
I love sports – baseball, hockey and football
I RULE at air hockey – I’m a defending champion
I’ll go to any sporting event
I look exactly like my mother
My sister looks like my father
My nephew looks like me. God bless him.
All my cars have been stick, automatic sports cars are for pussy’s.
I love the beach – my favorite place in the world is Montauk, Long Island and I hope to have my ashes scattered by the lighthouse when I die
I love to travel
I love to fly
I hate dishonest people
I hate when people bullshit me, I’m a big girl, don’t lie
Laughter is the way to my heart
I’m a romantic
I believe in happy endings
Love the show Magnum P.I.
I can no longer drink Tequila – everyone has a tequila story.
My first concert was Bon Jovi when I was 15
I run very slow – like a dead turtle
I’m a very loyal friend
My Dad has hit a homerun in Shea Stadium
He also tried out for the NY Yankees and was told by Casey Stengel to gain 20 lbs and come back next year
I once applied for a job with the NJ Devils
I’ve been to both the World Series and the Stanley Cup
My former boss was not asked to dance at her own wedding by the CEO of our company – but I was. Nice.
I once was a cheerleader
The fastest I’ve ever driven my car is 118 mph
I’ve been a passenger of a car doing 135 mph
I drove home from Boston in 2 ½ hours (this is a 4 hour journey)
My first kiss was in the third grade
My first tongue kiss was the summer before 8th grade – he was in 10th.
I love the sun and the heat
I hate the bitter cold
I love trees and everything about them
I don’t have a favorite color
My favorite number is 1
I love ice cream – Dairy Queen first, then Baskin Robbins
I love roller coasters yet I’m afraid of heights
My wedding cost $35,000, the marriage lasted 2 years
I hate being obligated to do anything, if I’m going to do something its because I want to, not because someone told me it was the right thing to do
My family fears my temper, which I think is funny because I didn’t think it was that bad.
I’ve only dated men older than me – with the exception of Ted – never again
I’ve been to Boston, Martha’s Vineyard, Aruba, Michigan, St. Lucia, Florida (7 times), Newport, California (the whole coast), Bermuda (twice) and the Bahamas
I was born in New York City
I love spending money and I’ve very good at it
My biggest fear is uncontrollable debt
I still skip when I’m happy
I can twist my tongue in both directions
I go commando 90% of the time
I’ve actually told men not to fall in love with me
The thinnest I’ve ever been was 128 lbs, the heaviest 180.
I know how to box
My mother’s pet name for me is Baby Doll. My father calls me either, Nickey or Tiger
If my grandfather had lived he would have been 114 this past Sunday. He died at 86
My father’s cousin was the plumber for the Prince of Monaco and the royal palace
My sister is named after the model Marisa Berinson
My parents tried for two years to get pregnant – gave up and then had me. I’m the best most beautiful mistake they ever made
I would love to live in New York City or Paris
I’m a recovering Pothead
My grandfather on my mother’s side was a “made” man – watching The Godfather is a home movie for her
I have two birth marks – one on my back and the other….well we’ll leave that one alone.
I’m a germ-a-phobe – I haven’t been sick in over a year
I learned to ride a two wheel bike when I was three
I taught myself how to tie my shoelaces also when I was three
I can draw pretty well, but only when I’m motivated
I love the Metropolitan Museum of Art – its my fav
My first date with my ex-husband was at Rockefeller Center – that’s where he proposed too and then we stayed at The Plaza.
I graduated High School in 1995 - the class was only 104 students
I once brought my dog into the mall so he could get his picture taken with the Easter Bunny – he weighed 80 lbs and he was only 5 months old.
I’ve never been fired from a job (yet).
I’m a trained Medical Assistant and Ultrasonographer
I love to dance
I love to sing
I used to read about a book a week, but I haven’t read anything since I moved out of my apartment
I only met Trixie 4 months ago
I’ve never lived alone
I used to look at Playboys when I was little – who didn’t?
The legal age to drive in New Jersey is 17, I’ve been driving since I was 15
I check my email – way too much
I love yellow roses
Did I have an adventure last night? - Well yes so to speak.
Trixie and I met up last night for a nice little dinner and some apertif's. We were originally supposed to have our hair done by Samantha, but in the life of Mer, nothing ever truly goes according to plan. After two very large margarita's and some Pico de Gallo, we headed over to the Victoria Secrets Semi Annual Sale. This is about the only time I will ever shop there because their stuff is just way too expensive for me. Is it me or do their bras not last as long as others?
Anyway, last week Trixie brought it to my attention that I was wearing the wrong bra - now I know you all would think this was something kinky, I mean the girl can't help but grab my boobs at least once a night, but that's another story - she used to be a manager at Vicky's and we had this very long discussion about the fact that the bra I'm wearing is too small - complete with booby comparisons and touching. Fortunately enough for Mikey D, he caught the whole conversation and I believe he went home to rub one out after it. But back to my story, I just thought that my boobs looked fabulous and left it at that, who knew that it was important to wear the right size too? Can you believe that I have to go bigger? I'm actually a little annoyed, I used to think my B's were perfectly shaped and well, very "ripe" looking. Its hard to let go, I know and as stated before, we can never go back, but I'm embracing my C's with open arms - I know most of my guy friends will too. Zeesh. You'll be proud to know that I now own two brand new bras with matching panties - because that's important.
During our splendid evening of booby holder shopping, the hot phone rang and low and behold it was a blast from the past - Schmitty. The Bat signal went up and we were well on our way to meet up with him. Not to a bar though, sorry to disappoint, we met up with him at work. Because if it was a bar - Matt Lauer, you'd DEFINITELY have received a drunk dial.
Here's a little background info on Schmitty. First time I met him I thought he was cute, then I began to think he was a little too cocky and that was a turn off. But we remained friends nonetheless and later on after about 2 years we became really good friends. After my divorce Schmitty and I would hang out at least once a month due to work schedules and such. Some really good times have occurred with this kid. Schmitty is the guy who told me that I should be rented out for parties - I could be rented to make sure that the party got started and remained in full steam for the remainder of the night. Think about it? I know I have because I'm the most fun.
One night in particular sticks out in my mind. Ted and I had gone to a good-bye dinner at one of the local bars with a bunch of people from work - I'd say about 40 people. It was the night before I was leaving for Aruba with my sister. In true Ted form, he got obnoxiously drunk and I brought him home before midnight (this was before I lived with him). I dropped his drunk ass off and called Schmitty.
"YOOOOOO SCHMITTTTYYYY, whatchya doin?"
"Me and 'Kris with a K' and Chuck, are headed over to the Junkyard. Why what's up?"
"Well I just dropped drunk Ted off and I'm looking for an after party."
"We're almost there now, come meet us."
And off were Lola and I. (Lola is my car). We met up and since I was already buzzing from the previous bar, things got kicked up a notch real fast. There was a live band and they were playing kick ass music. Some highlights of the evening: - Mer on stage dancing and singing with the band. Mer pole dancing next to the bar, Mer telling 'Kris with a K', "Baby one of these days we're gonna have sex, oh yes, we will have sex" like it was some kind of prophecy or something. (This comment might have gotten any other person in some serious trouble, but I can pull it off with no problem). Oh yeh, this was also Kris with a K's first time hanging out with me - poor guy.
After the Junkyard we headed to the local dive called Ed's. Ed's is your typical local run down bar that EVERYONE goes to because they are open the latest and also because it is a fixture in society. This is where I proceeded to get blatantly drunk and dance on the bar, stools and generally on people's heads. It was a good time nonetheless - it was one of those nights where I was a rock star. Rock on sista gurlfriend!
I got home at about 5:00 a.m. - my plane was leaving at 8:30 a.m. Hung over is a dire understatement. I was almost comatose on the plane. That evening was a prelude to a fucking rock hard week in Aruba - but again that's another story. I seem to be a rock star no matter where I go - or that could be my delusional drunkenness - who cares, I'm happy and that's all that matters right?
So Trixie, Schmitty and I caught up on old times. He's now a police officer in a nice little town in Jersey and engaged to be married this coming January. I'm very happy for him because all of his dreams are coming true. He used to be what you would call a dick, but he's now an all around nice guy. But he said something right off the bat that has me thinking - he said him and his fiance are fighting...a lot. I don't want to tell him this, but I don't see it working out for him. Not on just that comment alone, but a couple of things he said. I'm sorry, but if your wedding is only 7 months away and you are fighting nonstop - AND you've only been together for about a year - that just spells disaster. I told him that I would NOT lecture him because I am in no place to lecture anyone, instead I told him:
"Schmitty, I'm only going to say one thing and I'll never say another thing again. If the time comes, please just be honest with yourself despite how hard it may be, just do me that favor?"
He knows what I meant by that, and I'm sure you do to. He promised to really think about it and he won't try to fool himself into something that might not work out. We'll see.
He's a great guy though, nice, polite, he knows right from wrong - and he looks like Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20 - just a lot more muscular - HOT DIGGITY DOG!
I really hope it works out for him and his girl, but to be honest, I think it will only end in divorce. I hate to say that, but its in his cards and from the way he was speaking last night, it only makes my notion stronger. Trixie agrees with me.
Sometimes we get so caught up in the idea of something that we don't take a look around and assess the situation for what its truly worth. I'm infamous for this and I'm learning my lesson, one day at a time. I want what is best for my friends, when I give them advice its because I can see on the outside what they don't see because they are in the thick of the situation. I make my point and leave it alone - they don't need me telling them what to do. I always say my peace and then back them 100% in their decision, because I am their friend and that's what real friends do.
So that's my story morning glory. Stay tuned for upcoming posts on "Factoids about Mer" and "Mer's Rating Scale for Men." - Whoop! Oh Boy!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
In my old school I was Mer the tomboy, or just plain old Mer. In my new school, I was the hot new girl. I had just come out of a summer long job as a lifeguard, I was thin, muscular and tan - yeh my shit didn't stink. On my first day of school I was asked to the senior prom - boy those were the days my friend. Each senior guy gave me the nod at least once, but I was too naive and too new to do anything with it.
I was automatically flung into popularity. The thing is, that's not me. I don't like choosing sides and being with any 'one' group of people - I was the floater, the rebel. I would float in and out of each group of teens, one minute I'd be with the cheeleaders, the next I'd be hanging out with the stoners. That was me, I don't discriminate.
Steven was another freshmen in about 3 of my classes. He was cute enough and he wound up asking me out. Not knowing any better I said yes. Problem was, he didn't do anything for me....emotionally. I never got excited in his presence, I never cared if he called, he was just.....there. After about 2 weeks I had enough and I dumped him. Poor kid was devestated, I don't know why? We never even held hands!!! No laughing please. Up until that point I had only kissed two boys, so come on now.
Come spring time I had found my niche in the click scene - I was in my own click. Crushes still happened, boys still called, but most were afraid of me because I didn't need anyone. I didn't run around with my legs open like half the class. But for some reason, the bad boys were ALWAYS attracted to me. Not sure why though. Merni was in and out of my life this whole time. How could I forget to mention Merni? He was such a player and it got old - I'm not going to write about him here because he already had his own post.
I can't recall when it was, but Steven's brother started to sniff around. Robert was a senior too and I think he was even friendly with Merni, but I can't remember. I think the whole mistique of it began when we all used to go street racing down at Bunker Hill. 50 cars would be lined up and ready to watch the next two cars drag race down the street. It was badass, it was exciting and it was of course dangerous and illegal. At some point in time I started to fool around with Robert. A little here and a little there. No he is not the guy I lost my virginity to. He is the guy that I learned that men are cheating, lying bastards. He had a girlfriend in the next town over. Funny thing is, she was ugly so I never worried.
When I found out he had a girlfriend though, I stopped all communication. He wasn't even that cute. I think about him now and I'm like "Ew Gross!"
It was pretty fucked up of me to do what I did to two brothers. Steven really liked me and well at some point I think Robert did too, its just that he wanted to be badass and have two girls. Steven over time did get over it and he was able to look at me again. He actually handled it a lot better than I thought. Then again, I really didn't think about what I did to him. I'm sorry for that - 14 years later, I'm finally sorry for it.
I might still be naive, but my gut has always told me better. This is the reason why I was so upset about Ted. I allowed my defences to be taken down and I ignored my gut more than once and it got me in a load of trouble.
Two weeks ago I played with fire again. It involves Marcus and Remy - but they are not brothers, thank god. I've let both fall off because I was reminded of what I did to Steven and Robert. Its not fair and its also slutty to be doing what I almost did. I'm learning new lessons by leaps and bounds and maybe, just maybe, I'll finally have my head on straight for the next relationship I'm in. I won't be a silly girl doing what she wants, neglecting to notice my actions actually do have consequences.
I've worked for the same company since June 1, 1997. I started as a temp and since one of the director's liked me, she kept me on until they found something permanent. God Bless Her. Her name was Debbie and she was all business, but I learned the most from her. At first I thought she didn't like me, but in actuality, she really did like me because I was highly productive. I could do work in an hour that took most people 3 hours. We clicked very well and as her career changed throughout this institution, so did mine. Debbie was awesome - she had answers for EVERYTHING. Her staff respected her so much that when faced with a problem, they (us) would do anything we could to avoid going to her for help because we wanted to do that for her. We wanted to try our best to be the best. But sure enough, if you had a problem and HAD to go to her, she ALWAYS had the answer and the answer was always right. She was amazing. We worked very well together and I would still work for her until this day had she not died of cancer on July 30, 2002. I didn't realize how much I really truly respected her and cared for until the very day I found out she was in the hospital with a "pain" in her side.
See Debbie had had cancer and survived it 3 times prior to this. The second she told me about the pain, I knew it was cancer again.
After she passed away, I went to work for another director - who 'til this day is an asshole, but I digress. Now at this point in time I became known as the "go to girl" through out the department. If you had a problem, I might not have had the answer, but I knew how to solve the problem. I learned from the best. In all my positions here, I have always been very well respected and very well liked by my superiors. When this current position opened up, I went for it on the fly thinking that I would never get it. Apparently my reputation preceeded me and I landed the position very easily.
The funny thing is with all my training and all my contacts, I don't do anything. My boss is cool as hell and I love him, seriously, I couldn't ask for a nicer boss. But he doesn't utilize me enough. I've tried to change a few things to make him more productive and organize him, but he is resistent to change. I've basically given up and now I just wait for him to tell me what he wants - which is working out rather well for our marriage. Don't worry, I dont take advantage of it because I know about Karma and its a bitch. When he asks me to do something, I do it fast and I do it right. I don't want him to have second thoughts. Plus I really do like him.
Every now and then I get to type something for him, but recently I've had to go to a few meetings. Yesterday, Trixie and I were in our department meeting. We do NOTHING. I mean we sit there and listen to them drone on about stuff that has nothing to do with us. I thought you might want to see my notes from this last meeting. These are verbatim from my notebook - because you know you have to make yourself at least "look" interested in the subject matter.
Here we go. Enjoy.
All I hear is blah, blah blah.
Geez, it's only 10:40?
I wish I could get paid to write. I wish I had more exposure for my blog. Imagine getting paid to have fun and write about my experiences? HOT DAMN!
So hungry I'm getting a headache.
10:55 and my stomach is still grumbling. Shit.
I just realized how much I love Men's hands. All strong looking.
I can't stand empty stomach burps.
I know, its mind blowing. Call me a genius, go ahead, I dare you.
Maybe I stepped in shit, or maybe its the karma thing. My last boss was such an asshole. She was awful to me and worked me to the bone. Not only that - you were NEVER right. No matter what. She would change her mind a lot and make it your fault. Like I said, she's an asshole. But whatever, I'm glad that I'm not her - she's a miserable human being.
Anyway. So I have the smarts and potential to kick ass at work. I did it for 7 years and after all that back-breaking work, I think this might be the pay off. God I hope so, I do like it here - right now. If I didn't get this position, I never would have met the people I did met or have the stree free job that I have now.
Someone is smiling on me and to them I say thank you.
And coincendently today is my mother's birthday. Happy Birthday Mom you wonderful, beautiful, shining light.
Monday, June 27, 2005
I have got to be kidding myself. First I think I put my life on hold because I'm waiting for Mr. Right. Sometimes its like I put everything else on hold because I don't want to be in the thick of something when he comes along. Sounds stupid right? It is. I'm not 100% about this, but it sounds like something I would do. I still plug along though, but at a much slower rate than I would if I was the secure person I portray myself to be. Again VERY STUPID.
Nothing drives me. Imagine what I could do if I was able to keep my focus? The possibilities are endless. I get that from my father, unfortunately.
I'm consciously making an effort to stick things through and change for the better. I've been doing a lot of thinking and coming face to face with some dark realizations, the above being one of them.
In addition, no more are the days where I will actually like a man for who he is. Ok well thats a big fat lie. Its just that I don't set my goals high enough. I usually fall for a guy because of who he is and not what he does, the way its supposed to be right? I wind up liking a man for the way he makes me laugh or the feeling he can provoke from within me while in his presence. I don't mean to become a cynical bitch, but I can't help it, I think I need to. Seriously, if you look at the men I've been "talking" to, they just don't measure up. Think about it, I make 10 times more than any of them (a little exaggeration for effect), I drive a 350Z, I have an incredible rack, and some self respect. Then what am I doing wasting time on these bozos? I'm NOT going to find Mr. Right singing Karaoke in a fucking dump, or by watching the company softball team play, or by frequenting a saucey new night club in the city. The odds are way against it.
I'm done, no more.
From now on my focus is on me. I'll concentrate on work (yeh right), school, my career, my health, my hobbies (need to find some) and acting because I let that fall off.
If I sing karaoke with my girls on Thursday night, its to do it because they are my good peeps and not because I need to shake my round ass for a second hand bar hump named Kirk. I love doing it because I love to sing and the male attention was a bonus. No more. If I go on Thursday, its to let off steam and get drunk. I can't let my sex appeal deter me from what I want. Yes I'm sexy, yes I'm pretty and yes I get hit on. The funny thing is, I get hit on by the wrong guys - then again, I'm visiting Trollville, the pickin's are slim.
I'm rolling the dice and thinking I may very well spend the rest of my life alone. If I look at it like this, perhaps I'll get my ass into gear and do something real with my life. Even if it IS jumping from job to job until I find one that fulfills me. Even if it means scraping every single dollar I have so I can finally make it to Europe, alone if I must.
I will NOT settle again because I am afraid to be alone. And that is just what I am, alone. A fact is a fact. I HAVE got to get out into my own apartment again. I think I spend more time out because it depresses me to be in. I have to sell my car, and I have to save some money, more money. I need to supply myself with the finer things in life because no one is going to do it for me.
I need more, its not about deserving more because I'm no Mother Theresa that's for sure, I just need more to satiate my craving for a good life. A life that I can taste and feel and be proud of. To date, I have nothing that I am proud of. Sure I have family and friends, but those are given, I'm talking about something more tangible, something I can call my own.
How crazy would it be if I just picked up and left tomorrow? I think about it constantly. Constantly. I would love to just pack it up and head over seas to find myself. But I'm 28, not 18. What is stopping me? What am I so afraid of? At least if I created my own adventures, they would be mine and mine alone. My memories, my failures, my accomplishments.......my life.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Last night was fun, but not as fun as I thought it would be. Where to start, I'm not sweating Marcus because I already know it wouldn't work out. I make twice what he makes, he smokes, and he's younger than me. I genuinely liked the guy because we had some of the same interests. The guy actually reads books (Gasp). I used to read about a book a week (lately I haven't because of my hectic schedule of boozing and smooching), so it was nice to stumble upon someone who could hold up his end of the conversation and knew who Jackson Pollock was. Oh did I also say that he was the best kisser ever? Yepper. But I don't chase men and I don't play second fiddle to anyone or anything.
Anywho, I'm in a really bad mood today (3 hours sleep remember?). I guess its because I'm not pretty, I'm not cute, I'm not hot - I'm beautiful in my own way - or at least that is what people have told me. I've been told I should model, problem is, I don't weigh 6 lbs. (Again I could be blowing smoke up your ass, but you are a gazillion miles away so why bother?) I thought that being "beautiful" would hold some weight once I became single - but I look at these losers that I meet and I think to myself, "I can do so much better." I guess I'm feeling a little discouraged because Trixie, well she's this little itty bitty tiny thing and men fall all over her at the bars because of it. I'm very shapely - Not fat, don't make that mistake. I'm Marylin Monroe shapely, and sometimes it hinders me instead of helping me because that's not what is "in" right now. I've already lost some weight and if I lose a little more I know this will change, but its like COME ON NOW! I'M NOT FAT!!! I've never had any complaints before, but still. Whatever, I need to just shut the fuck up. Sorry, its my ego, I know. I'm just cranky and VERY hung over.
Also H? Yeh I'm not a fucking moron. Don't hit on my friend and think I'll be ok with it. He actually tried to ram his tongue down my throat last night - and cop a feel. Asshole. He got my cheek and a "Oh well, too bad" from me before we left. Double Asshole. - (I really wish you could hear my Jersey accent and all when I say asshole because it sounds better that way.)
Also, I think Agnes, the dumb broad, knows something happened with Peter. Just a hunch - well maybe more than a hunch. She basically gave me a cold shoulder yesterday. I didn't lose sleep over it because he's SO gross that if she wants to be pissed over it, well then she deserves it. Fuck her, I'm not on this planet to stroke anyone's ego. I wanted to just let it all blow over because there really wasn't any harm in what happened - he was drunk so whatever, I blew it off. But she's an idiot if she believes that they will live happily ever after. If she wants to be blind and pretend that its all good, then so be it. Who am I to shit on her parade? At this point in the game, why would you waste your time on a project like him? But whatever, that's her life to screw up and waste, not mine. - Can you tell I'm cranky?
Last night made me realize that at 28, I have no time for bullshit. I can't stand fake, I can't stand playing games. Give me straight forward any day of the week so my romantic idealistic mind isn't wasted on fantasizing about "what could have been." I don't need someone who makes a million dollars a year (it wouldn't hurt) but I have my own money tucked away. So I'm biding my time waiting for someone worthwhile. If I end up alone, at least I have my vibrator.
I want someone real. Someone who has a genuine interest in me, not just my ass and my rack - but I don't blame anyone because they are fabulous. Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree by hanging out in these dumps. I thin that if I'm going to meet someone with one damn brain cell left in his noggin, then I'm going to have to go uptown.
I'm giving it another week and then I think I want to start really dating - even if its a blind date. I just want to have something to look forward to. Right now the partying is putting a damper on my brain cells and on my pocket. What's that country song? "If the Devil Danced In Empty Pockets, He'd Sure Have a Ball In Mine." - Fucking Marathon is more like it.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Stated before, I was going to get to the bottom of the whole Marcus affair. Opportunity finally came a knockin' about 20 minutes ago. Our building has 5 elevators - 4 in the front for customers - one service elevator in the back. I normally use the back elevator because it lets me off right next to my door.
After our meeting earlier, Trixie and I dropped off some information to another Chairman. Upon walking down the long corridor we bumped into Marcus. We all made nicey nice small talk about our karaoke stint tomorrow night, but he'll be heading down the shore. It was awkward talking to him - even Trixie noticed. Now remember I haven't spoken to Marcus since our last steamy night - lots of kissing and groping. Noticably uncomfortable, we ended our chat and were on our way.
Does it stop there? NOPE. After departing with Trixie I was headed to the back elevator to catch my ride up to the penthouse. Low and behold who is waiting at that elevator? Marcus. We lean into each other and do the buddy buddy bump. Ok, so this is it, now or never.
"Hey Marcus, do you think it would be weird if I asked if we could hang out again sometime?"
"No of course not." - we both have flirty flirt eyes going, but we aren't breaking eye contact. Was he always this tall?
"Well I only ask because after that night, we never really spoke. It just kind of fell off."
He's squirming, but he's holding his own. I've got the cute doe eyes going and the submissive held tilt.
A second of silence.
"I just didn't want it to get that serious that fast," he said. WTF?
"I understand that, but you could have told me. You could have just said.....something....."
This is where I thought he was going to grab me in his arms and kiss the shit out of me.
As the doors open he says, "I definitely think you are cute. I defintely think you are pretty. I definitely think you are funny."
"Yeh, well I'm the most fun." We both laugh.
"Ok, well call me after the weekend?"
"I'll definitely do that."
I hate the fact that sometimes when I'm around him I turn into a bimbo. I'm NOT a bimbo. I can play the bimbo part very well, but its not a card I like to use. I can't help it, he makes me laugh. When I am in his presence I can't keep a straight face, which is good because that means there is no way in hell that we could ever have a bad time together.
Yesterday he told me that I don't want to fool around and date a bunch of guys. He said that I really want a monogamous relationship. He said that I delve into relationships head first. I agree and disagree on this topic. I was with my husband for 8 1/2 years. Translation, I was with him from the time I was almost 17 until our depart at 26. I met Ted only 3 months after the split and then we were inseparable. I see B's point on that. But I really do want to date and find out for real what I like and don't like. I've never done that. Here's the kicker though, I want to go on REAL dates - where the guy pulls out my chair for me, he picks up the tab and gives me a smooch at the end. Why is that so hard? I'm hanging with the wrong crowd.
B also said that I used to be no fun. Well I've always been fun, but he said I was a fuddy duddy. When I was with Ted I'd pack it in early and never go out. He said that I would tell him stories about being in bed at 9:30. I would like to clarify this one point- Ted was an alcoholic. If we went out, that meant drunken outrages and fighting. I like to let loose and really have a good time, but in Ted's presence I couldn't do that. I didn't have that luxury that so many people take advantage of. If I did, we always fought or I couldn't be sure that Ted would make certain that I'd get home in one piece. And there was NO WAY in HELL that he was driving my 350Z. Nuh huh, not doin' it. Seriously, it was frightening, so of course it inevitably looked like I was the goody goody who never wanted to do anything. But we all know that was a huge farce.
The few times I have been able to hang out with B when we were out drinking and dancing, it was a great time. I wonder if he remembers that? Lately all we've done is gone out for dinner, again always a great time because he can hold his end of the conversation. He's a private kind of guy so its hard to get him to open up, typical male. But on occasion he has been known to open up to me which I like because I don't think he does that with many other girls. Oh and he's funny - VERY sarcastic funny.
I know what you are all wondering - this guy sounds great! Why not hook up? I can't help but add here that there has always been a tension between us. Maybe I'm making it up, but seriously, the line has never been crossed no matter what kind of alcohol consumption has occurred. I make jokes and tell him that one of these days I'm going to lay the biggest fattest wet one right on his lips. Honestly, I don't know if I could do it. B isn't cool like that. He's cool, don't get me wrong, but I think that after that he would be too awkward around me so I'll never allow that to happen. He means that much. Plus I think he thinks that I would follow him like a puppy after something like that - Uh no. Sorry B, a kiss is a kiss is a kiss, unless its a first kiss after a date. We all know that a first kiss after a date sets the tone for the rest of a relationship. (More on that another day).
Somehow this kid grounds me. He brings me out of the clouds and back to reality. I feel like a fool when I leave his office sometimes (yes we work together), but at least he's given me the advice I need and he's done it in a manner that never offends me. I'm never disappointed when I leave him, if anything I feel like I've been put back on the right path. Without EVER telling me the words, he makes me realize I'm worth so much more.
B has been one of the people who have told me how to be able to really relax, kick back and have a grand ol' time.I think he means that I shouldn't take myself so seriously. I take his advice to heart though (which if he reads this blog he probably won't believe his power). I do though because he's not an idiot and he comes from the same back ground I do. Loving, kind parents with good values. They let us fall on our ass when we screw up, but they make sure we feel the guilt without harping on us. I guess you call that a conscience lesson.
Normally I wouldn't spend this much time writing about a friend, but he gets me really thinking. Like I've said before in other blogs, I think its important to let those you care about know it. He's not a mushy character so I couldn't tell him any of this to his face. He'd puke on me.
B, I love ya babe. You're a good friend, don't ever change. MWAH!
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Each day is easier because I'm not in such a fucked up relationship - no one is dependent on me and I like that. I like that the drama I have in my life is fun drama. I'm not hurting anyone right now and I'm certainly not giving anyone a chance to hurt me.
I'm afraid though. I'm extremely afraid of being hurt. I'm not afraid of putting myself out there again, but I am afraid of falling for someone who won't appreciate me for the good qualities I possess. I'm also afraid of not letting someone in. I don't want to open up to anyone and it not work out again. Ted was an asshole, we all know this, people who are his friends know this, so I really can't get too down on myself right? Only time will tell what the future holds. But so far so good. I guess you can say its a roll of the dice.
Sometimes I go back and re-read things I've written on this website. It's hard and if some of the posts make me sad, but then I skip it and move onto another one. I'm not sure if its healthy or not to re-read some of this stuff, but I can tell you that it grounds me. It brings me back home and reminds me how far I've come since the beginning. It's proof that I am just as strong as I thought I was.
Fuck you Ted for trying to make me feel weak. Fuck you for loving every second you hurt me. If I were to ever see him again, I think I might spit on him. For now though I'll keep it to men's restrooms.
My old posts sounded so sad and lost. I was really hurting so bad, how I ever lived like that I will never ever know. I must have the patience of a saint. I'm proud of myself. Very proud.
Today I feel unstoppable, very viviacious and totally in control. I'm not used to it, but it feels good and it feels like I should always be like this. Nice.
Of course that means that if we had such a great game, then there needs to be a great after party correct? Which means lots of beer, lots of laughs and even a chance for some drunken debauchery. Wanna know what happened? NOTHING because Peter is a cockblocking asshole.
Here's the deal on Peter. Shortly after things went south with the ex-husband, Peter and I were hanging out, partying like it was 1999. Wild times is putting it lightly. But its all good - we were friends first and foremost and its always stayed that way. We are still pretty good friends until this day. But let me get back - of course things went in that direction - and we ended up in the horizontal mambo. I really thought it was going to be earth shattering, mind blowing, hot wet sex.
It was disappointing to say the least. After all the girls this kid has been with, you would think he was a pro. Again - Uh no. It was just not good.
Peter is now dating a friend of mine, we'll call her Agnes. I told them each separately from the very begininning that they should not date. They are awful for each other. But who listens to Mer? The last two years have been nothing but bad for them, yet they still date. Go figure. Anywho, Agnes was not there last night and Peter's hands were.
You'll recall that last week H's and I had our own little smooch fest. I only mentioned it briefly, but it was really cute and then it got hot. I mean he ASKED if he could kiss me. What is more adorable than that? But one kiss turned into 4 and it was all good - AWLLL GOOD. Feeling it? Get it? Got it? Good.
At about 4:30 p.m. I received a call from H's asking if I was going to the game. Could there be a potential hook-up again? Hhhhmmmm? I was going to the game anyway, this was just icing. The flirty flirt thing occurred all game - stolen glances and extra smiles on both sides. Totally feeling the humor too. H is funny like that. But at the bar, Peter had his hands all over me. I swear there are hand prints on my ass. He kept trying to convince me that since I was single that it would be ok for us to get together, but that I would have to keep my mouth shut so Agnes wouldn't find out. Are you fucking kidding me?
To add insult to injury, his little hand escapade kept H on the sideline - as much as I tried to play it all off, it just didn't work. By 10:45 p.m. I had had enough and decided to call it a night. Did H get to kiss me good night like on Thursday. - ALL TOGETHER NOW - UH NO. H and I had to say good-bye from across a table, he blew kisses at me and I told him that I would take a rain check on the smooches. Again, H is cool like that.
Here's the dilemma though and here is where I could use your help. Agnes is my friend and she is constantly worrying about Peter cheating. Agnes has even gone as far as almost employing the services of Trixie to trap Peter, but we all calmed down and decided against it. Although I do not think that he has cheated on her yet, there is not ONE DAMN doubt in my mind that he wouldn't have fooled around last night given half a chance. Not one. I've known this kid a long time and I probably know him better than he does. So do I tell her? I really don't want to be the bearer of bad news, plus I've told this girl dozens of times that he's not worth her time. I've basically told her to leave him, but she's too stupid. I guess she's afraid of being alone - or maybe she's trying to tame the wild beast, I don't know. If anything she should learn by my example from Ted. I don't think I'll tell her. There is a part of her that knows he's not faithful or at least that he will not stay faithful.
I don't know if I'm more upset about his cockblocking - because he knows ALL about me and H and yet he was selfish and pushed his friend away. Or if I'm upset because I know I hold this vital information - actually I'm upset that I was the target. If it was someone else he tried to fool around with I might be able to have a better judgment call, but I don't think I can do anything because it was me. Comments Anyone?
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
I call it a mistake because what if I want to write about someone I care about and how they pissed me off. Or say I was feeling ultra low and I wanted to write about it? Say I gang banged the NY Yankees and wanted to write about it without coming to work and having everyone frown upon me? Can’t happen now. I feel like I’ve allowed people to see into my mind and now they might judge me. Why am I so afraid to be judged? Why do I give a rat’s ass what other people think? Because I have to cohabitate with these people.
Yesterday Trixie and I went on a little shopping escapade, although I had a great time, we talked mostly about her little rendezvous and temptress status most of the night. I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous. I’m the one who is single, yet I don’t feel like I have any thing substantial in the works. I really don’t have anything to brag about. Well I did lose enough weight to get back into my favorite pair of pants. Whoop Oh Boy - Nice Ass. But still, that’s not enough. I know, I know, its absolutely retarded and so 16. I love Trixie, I really do and the funny thing is, if it was ANYONE else, I might actually be upset. But the second I felt a little jealously, I realized I really wasn’t jealous. I was upset with myself for my choices. I'm not doing what I really want to do. I'm not surrounding myself with the things that I think will bring me good fortune and a real life. I'm kissing all the wrong frogs. I need a fresh water lake, not a murky pond.
I am actually happy to be part of this charade that she has going on. I went as far as telling her to make sure she makes me her fall guy should the time ever arrive. You know why I did that? Because real friends do that for one another. Trixie is the first friend in a long time that I feel wouldn’t douche me over. She doesn’t have her own agenda. She likes me for me because its always a good time.
Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of other friends and they know who they are. I shouldn’t go on and on about Trixie when I do have so many other wonderful people in my life. But I think its important to let the people you care about know that you care about them. Its hard at this age in life to make good, real concrete friends. Plus she’s kick ass like me and well, I think she’ll be flattered by what I wrote and not hurt in any way whatsoever. LOVE YA BABE!
Ok, but I’m getting off my point. If I could start this all over again, I probably wouldn’t have let anyone know. I wish I could tell you all about some things that happened over the weekend, maybe in a week or two I will recount some stuff because I will have distanced myself from the situation long enough. Then again, I don’t owe anyone anything and I should be able to say what I want. Fuck everyone right?
I think in the coming weeks I’ll have to find a happy medium. I’m not going to stop writing just so that I can keep a little self respect. I have self respect and I don’t do anything really wrong. I’m a good girl – well I’m a good girl that could be Oh. So. Bad. I’ll continue my writing and I’ll continue to say what I want because I have a voice in this blog. I have freedom to do what I want. If I want to write about ass monkey’s then I will, even though I really don’t know what they are.
This probably will not be my only blog today. I’m feeling very introspective today and tired. I love to write when I’m tired. My mind flows effortlessly.
Hope I bump into Marcus today. I’m going to confront him. I hate not knowing – its not like I’m sweating it or anything, but still things were VERY steamy that night. Whoop Oh boy. I just want to know and since I have no problem asking anyone, anything, I’m going to. I’m not shy like that. Wish me luck. Imagine if it was something awful like I had bad breath or something. Oh my god, that would be too funny. I might laugh in his face like I did with Remy.* I’m definitely going to hell.
**Remy will not be mentioned at this time. Too much to say. Funny story, but still, can’t do it right now. Sorry folks.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Saturday I slipped into the Men's bathroom at Joe's Bar and wrote,
"Hot Anal Sex" - and Ted's cell phone number.
I'm already going to hell according to "God is Good" so I might as well enjoy the ride right?
Hhhhmmm, wonder which one The Cat will choose?
If anything I think this blog would give them insight to the fact that I'm not an idiot and I know and recognize my mistakes for what they are - mistakes. I spoke about being cornered by my family about dating and what not - have these people ever met me? I mean, first off, when have I EVER listened to anyone? Second, its not like I've ever given them reason to worry. I've never gotten in real trouble - the worst that has happened to me is getting pulled over for doing 50 in a 25 and even then I didn't get a ticket. I don't do drugs - well maybe a little herb here and there, but I don't drink to the point of annihilation and I don't sleep with just anyone, so what the fuck? They also forget the fact that I'm incredibly resilient. My therapist even said so. She can't believe how well I bounce back from adversity. My belief is that dwelling on the bad stuff doesn't get you anywhere. You have to pick up and move on because how else will your situation ever get better. No one is going to swoop down and make it all better. No one. Ok, but enough about that.
Last night I didn't sleep well again. I don't know what is wrong with me that I allow my mind to go about 1,000 mph. Its killing me. Funny thing is, I don't think about Ted. I mean, yeh he pops into my head at odd times and I realize more and more everyday what a fucking loser he was. People are coming up to me now and saying things like,
"Mer, I don't know what you ever saw in him. Really, he was an idiot. He was good looking, but dumb as a stump."
How do you respond to that? Seriously? It wasn't something that lasted only a couple of days. We were together for like a year and a half. I say "yes he was an idiot," but what does that say about me if I was able to overlook all his assholish behavior and stay with him for so long? From now on I'm telling people he slipped rufers into my drink or something. I'm ashamed of the fact that I was with him for so long. I'm ashamed of that because I'm so much smarter and more well rounded than him.
I'll have to date outside this company because too many people know that I was with him. Its embarrassing to say the least. My only saving grace is that I am VERY well liked around here. I'm well respected, purty and I have a nice ass. Unfortunately this place is lacking in men. So if anyone has any suggestions on where to meet a nice guy who makes about 70% of my list, then please be nice and tell me.
One more thing before I do some work. My friend H's asked me if I'd be interested in moving into an apartment with him. This is the deal - its a rent controlled, two bedroom apartment in Hoboken. Besides the fact that Hoboken is a great place to live, its only $900/month. Talk about stepping in Shit. H works the same shift as I do so we could car pool and I could get a part time job bar tending. I'd make my rent in one week. When I'm ready to move on from this company, I can look for a job in the city and increase my salary by a minimum of $10,000 a year. Plus I'd be living with a guy so there wouldn't be any issues that most girls have with other girls. I know I've smooched H, but that would stop and I wouldn't allow it to ever go there. At least I'd put in that really good effort. Just kidding. I'm not getting my hopes up and I haven't told him yes yet. I told him to keep me in mind if he couldn't find anyone else. Then I'll make my decision. Its still like 2 months away from happening. I don't have any bad vibes which is good. I'll keep you all updated as time marches on.
Just one more thing. I'm lonely. But I can't let my loneliness distract me from the fact that I deserve only the best. I'll keep saying this, every day if I have to, just to remember that I'm kick ass and deserve someone just as awesome - if that's possible.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Something happened last night that I'm not proud of and it was out of character for me. I don't want to go into detail about it because I've beat myself up over it already.
Yesterday I spoke about not going back. As much as I wish I COULD go back to yesterday, I can't, so I'm face to face with this new issue. Its not a big deal but I know that the only way for me to learn is through my mistakes. I've learned something again and I will try to remember this feeling the next time I'm faced with the same decision.
Sometimes I feel like I'm reeling out of control and its hard to make the right decisions. Earlier in the evening last night I KNEW I wasn't making a good choice, but I still went through with it. Its all my fault and I have no one to blame but myself.
Trixie told me that what I did was not wrong, but I should really never do it again. I think she is right. I'm glad we became friends. I'm glad because I can't remember the last girlie girl friend I had that I talked to constantly. We make plans and stick to them. We say we'll call and we do. I mean we have become inseperable and I'm happy about that. She's good peeps and we think a lot alike. I mean we'll be in separate rooms and I'll think about her and she'll call, or I'll go to call her and she beats me to it. I hope that Trixie's situation with her boyfriend works out well. I've never met him so I can't say too much on the subject, but I hope that their problems work themselves out. For both their sake and the sake of others. Could you imagine if we were both single and out and about? The FDA would issue warning labels and staple them to our foreheads.
Not much more to say. I guess this was another rambling of stupid stuff.
Friday, June 17, 2005
You can never go back.
I try to not think about the bad things that have happened in my life. I try not to think about the time when I was life guarding and a little girl almost drowned on my watch. I try not to think about the mistakes I've made with men in my life and I try not to regret any of it. I do however like to think about the good times with friends and I don't hesitate to recount them over a drink or 10. If its about an ex, well that story isn't funny no matter what happened. I just simply ignore it. I try to live my life by right and wrong - never gray area, I hate gray area - its fuzzy static and its indecisive. Living by right and wrong, well its less complicated that way, but I refuse to let the bad stuff get me down, because then they win. Who's they? Anyone who has ever shown me an ounce of pain.
As adults we can sit and reminisce about the good ole' days and smile inwardly when we remember them at the oddest of times. It can be a smell of cologne or perfume, it can be a picture or a location. Either way its funny how we are instantly brought back to a place in time that was either very good or very bad.
Sometimes we get ourselves in trouble for trying to go back. Trying to reminisce with an old pal thinking things will still be funny and times haven't changed. You might have been able to kid around about something but now its all different. They won't think its that funny anymore and then there you are with your thumb up your ass doing the Deer in the headlights thing. But sometimes we are lucky enough to recapture that nostalgia for a fleeting moment. In all likely hood though it won't happen.
Ted and I were happy for a little while - I mean truly and completely happy. Life could not have been better. I just thought I stepped in the biggest pile of shit. But it changed. For months I held on thinking we could recapture that feeling - and for a day or two we would and stupid me thought that was good enough. I held onto that despite drunken debacles created by him. I just wanted to be that happy again, even if it was for a second. At some point in time I realized it just never would be that way again. NEVER. No matter how much effort I put in or how much we talked, he wasn't capable - and we obviously were not meant to be.
If we are to try to go back, we have to remember to do it with the future ahead and not blind folded with the past. The past can crowd our judgment like a fog and entice us to do things we wish we had. With the future in front of us, we can make decisions that are best for us and they won't hurt us or anyone else.
So I say this to my friends and to myself, you can't go back. You can't change feelings and you can't change people. When you make a decision and act upon it, you can't take it back. Its the domino affect - one thing leads to another.
Trying to go back is reopening a wound. You reopen those fears and insecurities. If you like to play with fire like me, well then you have to be prepared for the consequences because its usually harder the second time you fall.
Like I told Trixie, "When you play with fire, in the end all you are left with is ashes."
Trixie and I were up to old tricks last night. Hanging out with the softball team, we all got the bright idea to hit a semi local bar. Low and behold it was Karaoke night. We had a newbie amongst us, she wants to be called Galaxy - I would have chosen Samantha. In the beginning of the night I told her "I'm the most fun." She had no idea.
Its not that I can leap tall buildings in a single bound or create money out of my ass, its just that I'm a good time. I have no inhibitions when it comes to laughing and being kick ass. I know where to draw the line and I know when to push a button - its like the coming of an ocean wave - I jump on top of you and then I pull back. Yeh, that's pretty accurate.
I can't even recall what the hell I sang, but I know I was up there for the better part of the night - not by my own doing mind you, apparantly no one has enough balls to sing alone. Here's the thing people - no body ever listen's anyway, except when I sing because I COMMAND AN AUDIENCE DAMMIT. Oh and the microphone was cordless - big mistake. I made sure that any of my guy friends who weren't paying attention got nice and embarrassed - you guys are just too easy.
Trixe added to the ambiance by making sure she shook her little ass all over me for effect. Nice one Trixie - yeh that $1000 prize in Hoboken next Friday is OURS!!!! Ok, so if any of you live in Jersey, Trixie and I will be performing Karaoke at The Planet at about 8-8:30 p.m. We don't know how it happened but about a week ago we were entered into a contest and we won. Neither of us asked to be in this contest, it just happened. But $1000 smackers is $1000 smackers so we'll be corny and practice to win. I'm competitive - very.
But I know you all, you're waiting to hear about drunken debauchery. Yep, she made an appearance in the form of ass smacking and lip smooching. Thanks H's.
That's right, my 6'5" willow tree was there to enjoy in the festivities. I'm hoping that the 6'5" theory holds true too, he he he he.....
Anywho, Trixie and I were quite the sight again. She's much shorter than me - not that I'm some wildabeast or anything, I'm 5'6" and she's about 5'2" (I think). So when we dance, well its hot. Can't help it, its the truth and I hope I get a camera real soon to show you some shit. I'll have to designate a friend next week to bring one for our stage performance because it will be good, oh yes little little one, it will be good.
I have to leave now because believe it or not, I've got some work to do. An executive meeting awaits my drunk ass - I can't believe they put the responsibility of taking minutes in my hands. Whoop! OH Boy!
Thursday, June 16, 2005
I'd like to start though with the fact that I didn't go to meet Tucker Max. Yes we exchanged information and I was supposed to meet him at 8:00 at "The Falls" in the city, but I completely chickened out. I really have no place trying to run with the big dogs. That's not me and I shouldn't pretend it is. I was curious, I wanted adventure and excitement - something that is non-existent in my mundane life. I apologize to him for getting his hopes up. Then again I'm sure he had about 50 other hot broads there to choose from, I would have been another drop in the bucket. What does that say about me if I haul my cookies to meet some dude who writes about all the f*cked up shit he does to women? I still think he rocks, don't get me wrong and should I have contacted him a few months down the road, well that would have been an interesting post to say the least. It still would have been fun though.
Second, despite what has been written in the last few days, I really am a good girl. I'm a kick ass time, don't get me wrong, anyone who has ever spent at least 5 minutes with me will attest to that. I can have fun in a phone booth. But still, I'm a nice girl with a brain and I don't want anyone to have the perception that I sleep around because I don't. I can count the men I've been intimate with on one hand. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll still find my way into plenty of trouble this summer, but living on the edge just isn't me - or at least I don't think it is.
After this week's, this very fast week's, events, I've actually figured something out. Something on the road to my self discovery. I do want a relationship. I want that familiar feeling like an old pair of shoes. Meeting random dudes just isn't for me.
Also I think that Marcus is completely out of the picture. Which is sad because I genuinely liked him and wanted to get to know him. It could very well all be my fault, that I'll never know. I told him about my blog. I told him that I try to be honest and if that's not something he can deal with, well too bad. Guess that was strike one. Second, I told him I wasn't sure what I was capable of as far as a relationship goes. If Marcus really did like me, then he's only protecting himself. I understand that, but what I should have said was that I wasn't sure what I was capable of, but I would be willing to explore options as long as we had understandings and kept it real. Third, I'm a ball of fun, I don't stop once I get started. Really, once you ignite the laughter, forget 'bout it, I'm all over the place. Now mix that with a sexy broad and well you have nothing but disaster. Some guys can't handle that, they think they want that, but it can make them extremely uncomfortable. I don't think it was that though.
I can also come off a bit strong. I guess you could say I'm a tease, but that's not my intention - shut up Merni. Seriously, we fooled around the other night, nothing major though - maybe that's what turned him off. Not sure. But I'm not going to analyze, I've already spent too much time on him. Too bad because I really liked smooching him.
I'm a silly girl who doesn't know what she wants. I'm just going with the flow, trying to create a new life and some new friends. I can get out of hand sometimes and I'm learning to take a step back to regain control. If I want to meet someone decent, someone with money and a conscience, then I can't be trolling around messing up my head with stupid boys.
And that's all I'm gonna say 'bout dat.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Tucker Max is going to be in NYC tonight. I hope you know who I'm talking about. If not, just google him and enjoy the reading. If you don't have a sense of humor, don't bother reading it.
I emailed him this morning - NEVER thinking that he would email me back in a MILLION YEARS. Not even 30 seconds later I got a response. He's going to email me later and get back to me on his whereabouts tonight.
Playing with fire again? Oh hell yes. I'm just laughing so hard because I didn't think I'd get a response - I mean this guy gets well over a million hits a day.
An adventure to say the least, even if I only go to check him out and leave - it will still be worth it. I'll keep you all updated.
Yesterday was court. When I walked into the corridor and saw him, my blood went cold and I started to shake. I guess it was the reality and shock of the magnitude this all came to. My sister who usually knows that I am a pillar of strength, grabbed my hand and held it. I love her for that.
In the court room there is always a cop there to ensure safety and institute order. Guess what? He calls MY NAME and asks to speak to me in the hall. I almost shit myself. I go out there and he says,
"I uh, know Mildred." - Mildred is my cousin and she works in the jail.
"Oh my god. How did you find out about me? She couldn't make it today to be with me."
"Yeh, I received a note this morning you were going to be in my courtroom. She got in touch to make sure that you had someone."
"No way. That's excellent. Thank you."
"Do you think you need an escort to your car later?" - Is this service or what? Too bad he was married.
"No, he's not drunk so I don't think anything will happen." - he snorted at this comment in a laugh kind of way.
"Ok, well which one is he?"
I gave him Ted's description and we were on our way. Ted saw the entire event and he was rather still for the remainder of the morning. My cop friend made sure he made some serious eye contact to make Ted feel uncomfortable. I loved Every. Single. Second. of it. We also spoke during every break and made nicey nice. Again, too bad he was married.
Of course, I was not the first case, which I was hoping to be since my last name is in the beginning of the alphabet - why would I think for a second that the court might actually do something systematically? Stupid me. Instead I had to endure about 8 hours of this shit. I got to see coke heads, drug addicts and alcoholics deny the fact that they have abusive behavior. But I also got to see how things worked. The judge made a little speech in the beginning which wound up being very informative and well spoken. He told the defendants that if they admit the violence, then the plaintiff won't testify, ensuring that emotions don't get too high. ALSO, for every defendant accused of drinking and/or doing drugs, he mandated drug testing and anger management.
Seeing that the judge never sided with the defendant (well basically because it was obvious these people had issues), it occurred to me that if they knew Ted wasn't going to debate the charges, we could get out rather early. Problem was, that meant I had to speak to him to find out. The perfect opportunity presented itself at about 2:00 while we were on lunch. My sister and I were standing in the hallway when Ted came in. I turned to him and asked;
"Are you going to debate the charges?"
"No way. I just want to get the hell out of here. I can't stand this."
"Ok, because I'll tell Dennis (the cop) that and maybe he can push us ahead and we can get out fast." I was direct and I tried to keep it fast.
The bastard leaned against the wall and made like he was going to sit and chat with us. He even tried to be funny;
"Yeh you know I hate this crap. I can't stand courtrooms."
"Well that's because you've been in them enough," I said.
I turned my back and continued to talk to my sister hoping he got the hint that we were done. He did and left. Asshole.
In my entire life, I've never even received a speeding ticket - this jerk has two DUI's before the age of 24 AND he has a rap sheet a mile long. How did I EVER get involved with this person, I will never know but I can tell you, I don't really analyze it, I just want to forget it.
Back to the courtroom. When it came our turn to speak - finally - Ted said he accepted the charges. He told the judge that he has an awful temper and sometimes he can't control himself. The judge took pity and gave him a $100 fine and an anger management mandated session. I NEVER GOT TO SPEAK! I had pictures of him violating his restraining order. I had documentation of his threats - ALL FOR NOTHING. But this is the kicker Ted mentioned to the judge that he has appointments in my work complex of an important nature (I can't divulge their nature for obvious reasons). So the judge has allowed him to come to my place of employment for his appointments. IT'S ALL BULLSHIT. He wants to be able to come to my job so he can see his new girlfriend. He just couldn't leave well enough alone. He can't see her after work hours, he has to come there. I'm not making this up, its the truth and I would stake my life on it. He's doing it to get back at me - to rub it in my face. Too bad he doesn't realize I don't give a shit.
I'm so pissed that I didn't get to have my day in court. That I didn't get to tell the judge that this asshole is an alcoholic. I didn't get to say that he's stolen pills from not only me, but my sister. I didn't get to tell everyone what a dick he is. Everyone else did. But I didn't. I was pretty upset. I should be happy that the restraining order is in effect, but I'm not. I want him to suffer the way that I did. Then again I should remember that he'll never feel the pain that I felt because he's incapable of pain - his drinking and drug abuse will not allow for such things. Feel a little pain, drink a little more.
Ted, as we all know is a little dim whitted - to say the least. However he was smart enough to not allow the alcohol and drugs to come up. He was able to say what he had to say to ensure that I didn't get to speak. I tried, trust me I did, but the judge shushed me. Dillweed. I should have behaved like the rambling degenerates before me and interrupted and screamed my head off. But I'm an idiot.
I'm just upset that I will have to see him around, it kind of defeated the purpose - well sort of. He had to go to another building to be finger printed and photographed. I'm hoping this goes on his record and he gets screwed out of the Newark job. I know that's bad and I should be a better person and wish him well - you know, take the high road. But I'm fucking sick of ALWAYS taking the high road. I'm praying that karma bites his ass bad.
Actually I'm pretty over it now. I just had to recount it all to you and be honest about the anger and hurt I felt immediately after the hearing. By the time we got to the car, I was over it. Really I was and my sister and I were able to have a conversation other than what was going to happen or what did happen. I'm so happy its all over. Or at least I hope its all over.
I'm really looking forward to having a good summer. I've been through enough and I'm ready to live my life on my terms, not on anyone else's. Let freedom ring....
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
I also just want to do my own thing. I'm not good at the whole, just go with the flow - "being" thing. Its something I need to learn. I need to calm down, I can't always know what is happening at all times. This was my first attempt. Sorry but its part of my insecurity and I think I failed already.
But it gets better. I saw Marcus tonight. Here's the thing, most men think they know passion. They don't. It's not about throwing me down on the bed and ripping my clothes off to satiate a powerful need - (that's cool only sometimes). It's not what a guy does, but how he does it. I love the way Marcus kisses me. I love how badly he can want me, but and of course you knew a but was coming - he held back. Now I make no excuses, I know I held back too A LOT. It's just what he said that has me reeling.
Saturday night Marcus and I got pretty hot and heavy. Tonight, sober, it could have happened very easily again too - but we both held back and I don't know why. I know why for myself, its because I just got out of relationship and I'm not about to get right back into one. I wasn't sure of Marcus's intentions and where this was all going. Saturday night he's telling me how beautiful I am and how amazing I am. He kept asking me to marry him, ok yes, alcohol was involved and I didn't take any of it serious, but he's a pretty genuine guy so I took it as compliments. I liked hearing all of it, it was hot as hell.
Last night with no alcohol involved we were still verocious in our need - it was all passion and it was wonderful. If he hadn't put the brakes on, I don't think I could have stopped. I tried really hard to keep my hands above his waist because I knew that if I went that direction, there was no turning back, at least not for me. He respected that (did I tell you he was a good guy). But that's just it, why the brakes? I have a vibe where I feel something went wrong.
I like Marcus, I like him a lot. I was inebriated by his passion. He's sweet, considerate and real. I haven't just "made out" with a guy in a very long time. It ignited a fire that I forgot about. Marcus made me feel sexy despite the fact that so much bad was directed at me by a dick like Ted. Here's the kicker though - he told me that he doesn't do things with girls unless he's going out with them. So I told him the truth, I'm not really sure what I'm capable of.
I'm sitting here trying to figure out what this all means - again I'm insecure and its probably a result of everything that happened with Ted. I know I'm capable of dating and hanging out. I'm capable of a sexual nature with him, but I don't think I can do committment. Its sounds like a booty call, but I like Marcus too much to do the booty call thing. He's got a brain and booty calls are for guys with no brains. I just want to find out what this is. I don't like labels, but I don't like to be left hanging either. I'm a little confused by all of this. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to do the exclusive thing either.
Oh and another plus for him, he's private like me. - Ok so you guys get to read my website which is a little contradictory, but I change names as best as I can and I try not to be too descriptive. I don't like people knowing my business, there are only 3 people that I know I can trust with my secrets and that's it and each of them only know certain parts. If the three of them got together, then you could piece together what kind of a nutcase I am, but that will never happen.
I think I'm going to sit tight and continue to have fun. If he calls me to hang out and do something, coolness. I really did mean it when I said that I wanted to go to the museum with him, I don't think there is another person alive that I would want to do that with. I'd like to do that as a date - to see what kind of compatibility we have besides horny passion. But we'll see. If he doesn't call, then I'm glad that I didn't allow it to go there.
I think too much. I hate it. Its the only quality about myself that I truly hate the most. It keeps me from truly enjoying life. It drives me absolutely freaking nuts. Where's my rubber band? Trixie, I'm going back to the rubber band.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Where do I start? How do I recount the absolute kick ass time Trixie and myself had? For starters I knew that something was in the air. I felt good, I looked good and I was on my way to pick up my chica. We decided early on that we had to do something different.
Oh that was an understatement.
I got on the phone pretty early contacting all my friends, with most of them down the shore, it was slim pickin's. Finally I struck gold when Marcus picked up and said he was headed for Hoboken with his buddy. Bonus - Hoboken is a GREAT place to unwind and get crazy - something Trixie and I knew we were destined to do.
I'm sitting here at my computer and I'm seriously having a hard time putting this down, I just don't know how to give this story any justice. Well here we go - I only knew Marcus - he brought with him two more guys (yummy) and another girl who I later found out was on a bender and out to blow off more steam than either Trixie or I could fathom. Marcus met up with us at Bahama Mama's - which was possibly the hottest establishment I have ever visited. Trixie and I were both wearing mini skirts and the sweat was culminating between our legs like Niagra Falls - note to self, don't go out dancing in a skirt again. At about midnight we were all drenched and decided to go next door to the Black Bear. Ahhhhhh air conditioning.
It was about another half hour before the liquor started kicking in and hormones got out of control. We were all dancing with one another, then the kissing started, then the groping - when did I step into a porno? Someone definitely got pregnant on that dance floor last night. It was mayhem.
Total men kissed = 2 - Total times my breasts were felt - 3 - Total times my ass was grabbed = ?????????? Our little group of 6 were the center of attention. We were the epitomy of "Girls Gone Wild." Drunken debauchery, sexual inuindos and complete disregard was the theme.
Now I've never seen anything like it. I kissed MC because it was his birthday, oh and he was hot. He kissed Jenny A LOT - they are not dating. He kissed Trixie - enough, so when it came to my turn, I decided to make him feel like the man for kissing all three hot broads in one night. I threw him a bone and made his night. Well that and the fact that I am single and I can. I liked it.
But let me get to Marcus . I like the way Marcus kisses. I told you about Johnny Longwood and his kissing - I think this tops it. There was so much passion and want in it. He touched my face a lot, he held my cheek in the palm of his hand and looked me in the eye - it was like he was memorizing my every facial detail. It was intense, exhilerating and it was fucking hot. He held me close so our chests were smashed together, he kept his hands either on my waist (so hot) or on my face. He never crossed the line unless I gave the green light.
When the lights went on, it was like we were awoken from an erotic dream. We were all in the magic forest dancing with the nymphs and centours around the camp fire. It was VERY Shakespearan MidSummer Night's Dream.
We all deciced to go back to Marcus' place. This is were it gets really interesting. Jenny sat on Marcus' lap in the back seat. Stretch (who I didn't mention before because he was a fucking asshole and doesn't deserve mention) was to Marcus' right and MC was to his left. Trixie was driving and I was in the passenger seat - I knew better than to sit in the back with them. Jenny definitely got her fill back there. At one point in time I couldn't look because I couldn't believe the shit that was going on back there. She was trashed and loving every second. Kissing and groping, groping and kissing. Again, when did I step into a porn?
Marcus' place was actually a surprise and this is where the most damage was done. I can't recount what happened outside the studio. Oh yeh, Marcus is an artist - large oil paintings and all. I seated myself in the middle of the studio and started critiquing paintings. Marcus has talent, true talent but he holds back and paints what he thinks the public would like and not what he feels. I'd love to see him unleash the inner artist that is in hiding. If he painted with the same passion he kissed me, there is no telling where he could go. But back to my story - to make a long story short, we made out for a long time. He was sweet and gentle and that made it even hotter. He let me kiss him back, not like most men who take charge. - P.S. I was told I was a good kisser but we'll talk about that another time.
I won't get into detail about the rest of our time spent together. I can say that most 8th graders probably do worse than what we did. Clothes did not come off, well maybe one article did, but that was it. I wasn't drunk enough to allow anything more to happen. I couldn't, I would be very stupid if I crossed that line because I have put myself through enough. I know I know, I'm a kill of joy, but I have to protect myself. The old Mer probably would have let something happen that shouldn't have. She probably would be at his house now starting to play house, but the new Mer had fun. She kept it light and explained why it couldn't or wouldn't go further. Marcus understood and that's why I wanted to jump on his head. I didn't want to hurt him either. He was way into me, I mean I got a proposal before I left. Yeh it was my boobs, they are enticing. No man touches them and ever wants to leave. Nice.
At 6:00 I decided it was time to head home. I didn't know what Trixie was up to in the next room and I didn't want to know. She was in the living room and I didn't want her stuck there because of me. We left and went back to her house recounting the night's events. It was crazy. We compared notes and decided that it was definitely a good kick ass time.
After Trixie's house though I went back to Marcus' apartment. MC and Marcus were still awake. We hung out and had some really good fucking laugh's. Why would I go back there? It was mostly because I didn't want to go home when my parents' were first waking up. I'm glad I went back, for some reason I had to know it wasn't a dream.
I'm glad I got close to Marcus. Tomorrow I'll write more about him because he deserves a better desciption. I'm sorry that this was not one of my best written stories. I got home at 9:15 this morning and I've only had two hours to sleep. I'm headed into the shower now because I have a birthday party at 4:30. Am I derranged or what?
Friday, June 10, 2005
Yeh that's me. I don't even know how to start this post, but I have to tell you, last night was a good time. My MOJO is back in full swing and I didn't even know it.
The night started out with margarita's and a good bye party for my friend Liz. I'm so jealous, she's leaving here to go work at a magazine in the city - how Mary Tyler Moore. How adventurous, HOW COOL! I feel bad that I had to leave early, but I accidentally was double booked. But I made the effort to see her because I like her and I wish her well.
From there I met up with Cheryl and some other people to go to a bar. Needless to say I was all over the place. Cute guys and my mojo, hhhhmmmmm I wonder where this is going?
I got to smooch two of my three favorite guys (and when I say smooch, just lips, sorry to disappoint), Johnny Longwood and H's (Yes these are names to protect the innocent). My other favorite wasn't there so I didn't get the chance, but he wouldn't have anyway, he can restrain himself from my devices. I think he's the only one and he knows who he is.
I shall now proceed to give you background info on both Johnny Longwood and H's - I hope I do them justice.
Johnny Longwood (giggle giggle) and I played softball together for the past 4 years now. He's my height, he's cute, Great personality, funny, and really mellow. About 2 years ago, shortly after I started dating Ted, we went for a beer run after one of the games. Picture this, we are already feeling nice and we're walking through the walk-in cooler at the liquor store. We are TOTALLY doing the flirty flirty (I could teach a class in flirty flirty) and he turns to me with his pelvis out and says,
"Mer you better stop. Look what you are doing to me."
I turn around and sure enough there is a nice size bulge in his pants. I yelp and laugh "Ewwwwww" more giggling on both our parts. He looks at me and tilts his head downward showing me his smoldering Brad Pitt look and says all serious and sexy to me,
"Mer come here......Check this out. Its big. Just touch it once...... Come on."
Ok so shit like this doesn't happen to Mer everyday - ok well maybe it does happen every so often, but I'm outgoing and I'll usually try things at least once - plus the bulge looked interesting, I was drinking and it was very daring and not something I would normally do. So I did what any self respecting broad with a few beers in her would do, I ran my hand up the front of his pants. IT WAS BIG!! It was long and I screamed/giggled and ran full speed down the aisle laughing and squealing all the way - THANK GOD WE WERE IN A COOLER because the heat got kicked up a notch. I don't know what would have happened had the manager not come in and interrupted us. We laughed hysterically as we paid for our beer and left.
I had totally forgotten about that incident until the other day. Of course its two years later and he has a girlfriend, BUT, we discussed it last night, we definitely need to have sex one of these days, even if its just to get it out of our systems.
Now over to H's.
H's is 6'5" and the tallest, skinniest mother fucker I've ever met. Seriously, when he turns sideways he disappears. But he is SUCH A GOOD TIME. First time I met him was at a bowling alley. I had been drinking and mistook him for a poll to lean on. I held on to him for dear life all night long, something he was more than happy to do as he looked down my shirt at my fabulous set of ta ta's all night. Did I mention I have an awesome rack?
Second time I saw H's (kind of), I was hanging out with "Peter", it was about 1:00 am and I wanted to see H's. We call up H's and he tells us to drive by his place. Upon pulling up to the house all we see is H's white ass hanging out the window. Now that was funny.
Last night I made sure I got to smooch both of them....more than once. For whatever reason my behavior is accepted by many - its just me. I'm bubbly, I'm funny, I'm outgoing, a little zany, well maybe a lot zany and a fucking KICK ASS time. So when I turn to one of my guy friends and tell them to smack me a smooch, they don't find it odd and they are more than happy to oblige (good for me right?) My girl friends are the same way - but I don't kiss them, I have smooched one of them, but sorry my stories will NEVER go there, I don't bat that side of the plate. Although Cheryl did touch my boob last night - I'm telling ya, they are irresistible.
Where was I? Oh, Johnny Longwood has wonderful pouty lips. He's the best kisser of his brother's (there are 3 brothers total). I've never done the tongue thing with them, but he applies just the right amount of pressue with his supple lips. He's yummy like soft ice cream on a hot summer day. The kind that melts and drips down the cone onto your hands. You just want to lap it up with your tongue and make slurpy slappy sounds with your lips. Oh yeh baby!
Now as for H - I was actually pleasantly surprised by H's kiss. I got to kiss him two or three times, did I mention we were drinking? (Side note: guys I NEVER drink, I mean in the two years that I was with Ted, I can count the times I drank on one hand). He was totally digging me and I him. Relationship material, definitely not. Booty call, hhhmmmm I might have to entertain that idea. . Its got to be his height and the fact that he is fucking funny as hell and being funny is a HUGE turn on for me. But that will come later on, I feel like I'm still in mourning. To tell you the truth, I can't believe I was kissing anyone last night. But that's boring and depressing so 'nuff of dat. Plus I have a couple of other back burners that I would hit before him.....maybe. My one guy, he's got to know its him, well that would probably be more interesting, but I would suffer a lose of friendship if something happened so I won't go there. Big NO NO. Although I really want to jump on his head too, but I know it won't happen so that makes it even more fun (Playing with fire again huh Mer?)
For you men out there, yes women have booty calls. Although I am not a professional in the arts of booty calls, I have had one before. It wasn't worth it and I called it quits early. I won't tell you who it was, sorry, I can't. If I talk about it in the slightest, people will know who it was and I can't afford that. Anyway, I'm thinking Booty calls might be the avenue to take for a little while this summer. They're fun, there is no emotion and its summer. I'm SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE.
I'm such a teasing vixen, I love it. Too bad I'm too much of a goody goody, if I weren't I'd be dangerous, I know this already. I have this very innocent quality about me, but the sex oozes off of me with no effort. I can't help it, sometimes my mojo is like perfume - or honey.
I will admit, I was a little overboard last night, but I let out a lot of steam, but it was replaced with sexual tension. I haven't felt a man's touch in over 3 months and I'm starting to itch. I want to take it slow and make sure that I don't do something stupid, but I also push the envelope and play with fire. Merni will attest to that. I'm an innocent, but when you talk to me, you know something wicked is going on in my noggin. You KNOW I have the potential to be a bad girl, a VERY bad girl. Not spank me bad......well you never know, but its the school girl syndrome thing - naughty and nice smashed together in a train wreck. Now that's a more accurate description of me. I've been told by both Beth and Rich that I'm sexy, that I don't try, its just there. I'll have to take their word for it. I think I'm a goofball.