Friday, June 03, 2005

Guilt

Ok I feel incredibly guilty. Not because Ted might have lost his job, or that he could possibly go to jail because everything he has done thus far he has brought upon himself. I truly believe in karma and it really can be a bitch. This entire time I have been submissive and well just plain stupid. Although this is totally wrong, I feel good about standing up for myself. I feel so good that I kept my mouth shut all this time and waited it all out. I'm so glad that he truly felt that I would never in a million years come back at him, at least not in this manner. He has called me a wimp, he has told me that my bark is worse than my bite, he's actually tried to bring a part of me out that I never wanted to unleash, but instead of doing what he expected, I hit him where it hurts and I feel good about it. His crowd of people and his mentality would have him expecting me to sling words and false threats at him. His belief would be that I was scheming to hurt him, but I won't, I'm above that.

I know him, the fact that I went to security, the fact that I have a restraining order and the fact that I brought it to that level has thrown his world into a tailspin. It is killing him that he cannot call me, text message me or anything of the like. Its eating at him like a rash. He is dying to yell at me, he is probably running his mouth to anyone that will listen that I am a horrible bitch and I will pay. It can only get him into more trouble.

Will he retaliate when the restraining order expires? That I do not know. If he is smart he will let it go. Ted does have moments, very very brief moments, where he comes to his senses. They are far and very few between but when I face him in court on the 13th, I will make it apparent that I just want him to leave me alone. Do not call me, contact me or anything. Pretend I do not exist and go on with your life. That is all that I ask. Depending on what is said and what happens in court will depend on whether or not I choose to pursue a continuation of the restraining order. He is dumb and I expect him to fuck up in front of the judge.

My cousin is a cop and she will hopefully be meeting me at the court house in the event that he does decide to violate this order in any way before we enter the court room, because he is just that stupid to look at me and start cursing. Although he has been known to totally surprise me, I can almost guarantee that he will say something because his temper cannot be controlled. I can almost guarantee that he will also be high at that time. This is the kind of scum we are dealing with.

You are probably wondering why I would be with such a psycho for so long. But I have to tell you, I'm incredibly naive. I believe the best in people. If you met Ted today, tomorrow or ever you would think he's such a nice guy, you would think that maybe he was a little dim, but you would love him nonetheless. But as an alcoholic with deep feelings that he does not know how to deal with (thus the drinking) he can snap in the blink of an eye and that is what happened yesterday. I was stupid enough to believe for a long time that my love for him (and his supposed love for me) would change that. I believed that one day he would wake up and feel blessed to have such a nice girl like me.

I was stupid and I take full responsibility. Now what was my point? Oh yeh to make a long story short (too late), I'm happy he is suffering. Ok so maybe that is bad of me and I feel guilty about it, but I can't help but do the Dr. Evil laugh about it. According to him I'm a loser, I'm a nobody, yet I feel like, for now, I came out on top. GO ME!

1 comment:

Anne said...

Hell, yeah, go you!

How was your date?