Monday, June 27, 2005

Mine and Mine Alone

A lot happened this weekend, but not by way of an actual event. Instead I did what I always do when I'm bored. I think. A lot. Yikes!

I have got to be kidding myself. First I think I put my life on hold because I'm waiting for Mr. Right. Sometimes its like I put everything else on hold because I don't want to be in the thick of something when he comes along. Sounds stupid right? It is. I'm not 100% about this, but it sounds like something I would do. I still plug along though, but at a much slower rate than I would if I was the secure person I portray myself to be. Again VERY STUPID.
I didn't go to college straight from high school because of my boyfriend. I'm an idiot and I've been paying for that ever since. I shouldn't give him all the credit though. I didn't know what I wanted to do, I still don't. Nothing keeps my interest long enough. Once I conquer something, its on to the next. I'm a rare kind of bread because I'm one of those people that can see what you are doing, and just do it. Once I know I can do it, then I'm done with it. I learned to do stain glass at 6 years old, once I conquered that, I never touched it again. Stupid. I can do a multitude of things and once I know I can do it well, then I wipe my hands of it. I'm like that with sports, cooking, hobbies, acting - all of it. I took a class in acting last year - once I knew I was the best in the class, I stopped. Well at least that is one of the reasons why I stopped. I think I need therapy.

Nothing drives me. Imagine what I could do if I was able to keep my focus? The possibilities are endless. I get that from my father, unfortunately.

I'm consciously making an effort to stick things through and change for the better. I've been doing a lot of thinking and coming face to face with some dark realizations, the above being one of them.

In addition, no more are the days where I will actually like a man for who he is. Ok well thats a big fat lie. Its just that I don't set my goals high enough. I usually fall for a guy because of who he is and not what he does, the way its supposed to be right? I wind up liking a man for the way he makes me laugh or the feeling he can provoke from within me while in his presence. I don't mean to become a cynical bitch, but I can't help it, I think I need to. Seriously, if you look at the men I've been "talking" to, they just don't measure up. Think about it, I make 10 times more than any of them (a little exaggeration for effect), I drive a 350Z, I have an incredible rack, and some self respect. Then what am I doing wasting time on these bozos? I'm NOT going to find Mr. Right singing Karaoke in a fucking dump, or by watching the company softball team play, or by frequenting a saucey new night club in the city. The odds are way against it.

I'm done, no more.

From now on my focus is on me. I'll concentrate on work (yeh right), school, my career, my health, my hobbies (need to find some) and acting because I let that fall off.

If I sing karaoke with my girls on Thursday night, its to do it because they are my good peeps and not because I need to shake my round ass for a second hand bar hump named Kirk. I love doing it because I love to sing and the male attention was a bonus. No more. If I go on Thursday, its to let off steam and get drunk. I can't let my sex appeal deter me from what I want. Yes I'm sexy, yes I'm pretty and yes I get hit on. The funny thing is, I get hit on by the wrong guys - then again, I'm visiting Trollville, the pickin's are slim.

I'm rolling the dice and thinking I may very well spend the rest of my life alone. If I look at it like this, perhaps I'll get my ass into gear and do something real with my life. Even if it IS jumping from job to job until I find one that fulfills me. Even if it means scraping every single dollar I have so I can finally make it to Europe, alone if I must.

I will NOT settle again because I am afraid to be alone. And that is just what I am, alone. A fact is a fact. I HAVE got to get out into my own apartment again. I think I spend more time out because it depresses me to be in. I have to sell my car, and I have to save some money, more money. I need to supply myself with the finer things in life because no one is going to do it for me.

I need more, its not about deserving more because I'm no Mother Theresa that's for sure, I just need more to satiate my craving for a good life. A life that I can taste and feel and be proud of. To date, I have nothing that I am proud of. Sure I have family and friends, but those are given, I'm talking about something more tangible, something I can call my own.

How crazy would it be if I just picked up and left tomorrow? I think about it constantly. Constantly. I would love to just pack it up and head over seas to find myself. But I'm 28, not 18. What is stopping me? What am I so afraid of? At least if I created my own adventures, they would be mine and mine alone. My memories, my failures, my life.


NCTRNL said...

I guess I just don't understand why everyone's answer to finding themselves is going 'overseas'. Why is that any different than moving to a different city? Just move 500 miles away. It's not such a huge decision and it's much easier to fix if it turns out to be the wrong thing for you. I am the same way where nothing holds my attention very long. Unfortunately, that translates over to women as well.

SithSnoopy said...

Oh, boy, do you need more challenges in your life!

If you become good at something, it becomes boring. I totally get that: I
often feel that way.

It sounds like, if you can't currently make your job more challenging or
interesting, that you need to pick a hobby that you can keep growing into.

My husband and I recently took up scuba diving. It is a technically challenging
sport, and also offers alot of room to keep growing. It would take you a
long time to exhaust it's boundaries. The only thing is that you need to
ensure you are in good health first, and that you don't have any respiratory
problems. [Like asthma, for example.]

The neat thing is that alot of interesting people are into scuba diving, for
the same reasons as you: a need for a little adventure, and more challenge
in their life. A need to conquer a new skill, and to explore in a new world.

I'm not saying you should get into scuba in order to find Mr. Right... but
picking a technically and physically challenging hobby that keeps growing
with you would probably put you in contact with the sort of guy that you
want to meet...

Anyway, I wish you good luck in both finding Mr. Right (but w/o actively
searching, i.e., finding him when you are not in "desperation mode"), and
also in having your job be more interesting and more fulfilling.

Meredith said...

Thanks for the tip. I've done scuba diving - conquered that too. Actually I love to scuba, but there aren't many places here to do so and I'm low on funds. I would like to get my certification and plan on doing it, but again, its expensive. There are lots of things I want to do, but I need money. I will, its just a matter of time. But the good thing about me is that I can have fun in a phone booth. Thanks again for the kind words.