Friday, December 29, 2006
Take love in general….lets say that "love" is a casino and we are all roped in by the lights, glitz and the pizzazz. The casino calls our names willing us and convincing the nether regions of our brains that we too can win if we're willing to gamble. So we concede and head inside with deep pockets and high hopes wishing for the best, praying for jackpot!
We enter the playing field looking at all our options and our eyes bulge at the infinite possibilities - the slot machines, the roulette table, poker, black jack and craps. We gush with anticipation, our palms get sweaty, we have a twinge of nervousness, but we're here so we suck it up because its go hard or go home. There is a reason we have stepped into the war zone of love, we're in it to win it. We continue our stroll around the area getting an idea of what we want and how we'll approach it, since you always need a game plan otherwise it will be over before you know it.
We split up and some of us head straight for the slots plopping down in one spot. Rookie mistake. See, the players on each wheel contained within that slot machine symbolize the same players in your life, it's a matter of coming up with the right combination that will heed any results. Most relationships are like the slots and its not a place I prefer to be. They are the never ending cycle of obtuse mundaneess that comes with a stale relationship. There isn't anything exciting about it, the players never change and it takes too many tries to get it right and hit pay dirt. We see the same people in our lives circle about us in different combinations and until that little bell goes DING DING DING CHA CHING – its not worth it. It's the more relaxed approach to dating I guess. Unfortunately too many of us get stuck on the slots because it is the most comfortable. Only a few of us are lucky enough to find the right arrangement thus leaving us to settle for lesser amounts of riches and hop off eventually for another machine. Too boring with little results.
An upgrade to the vicious rotation of the slots would be the roulette table. Ahhhhhh we think the roulette table is more fun and an easy game to play. We approach it thinking that all we have to do is spin the wheel, place the bet and if we win, we're happy. However, this too is another relationship falsehood. Roulette represents those who are already in a relationship whether long term dating, engagement or marriage. The partnership is controlled by numbers. Ever notice when you are in a relationship on any level, dates of events just seem to go round and round, every weekend is another something or other to attend – parties, birthdays, confirmations, weddings, dinner's with family – it doesn't matter what the ball lands on, the ball still has to get back on that wheel for the next number to be called. However, roulette does give us more betting/variety options, thus many keep coming back to it.
I categorize Black Jack, Poker and Texas hold 'em in the same bundle because they are card games with the dealer holding the cards, but the player making the bets. See as women we tend to lay our cards out on the table, providing the playing field and arena for a prospering relationship. We say, this is what we have, now lets see what you do with it. Unfortunately the guy displays a poker face, doesn't allow anyone to know what he's holding and will only bet on a sure thing. This is not to say that the roles aren't reversed, but the dealer will keep spitting out cards as long as they are wanted or required, but when all bets are final, it's a hold of the breath, a rub of the lucky rabbits foot and one man who is always left standing. These are usually the fastest relationships because one or the other is never satisfied.
But its craps that I'm most fascinated with and the spark to which I write this post. I see the craps table as the aggressive dating game. It's the pool to which all the active singles are drawn. It's the fad of dating, the online match site, the bars and the clubs, its the speed dating and the blind dates – all the things we try when we are actively searching for love….or sex. You keep rolling the dice over and over again, everyone is excited because everyone has something to lose or gain, and you keep rolling that dice until you win REAL big, or time runs out and its craps. Depending on how much you bet, or the rush of the game, depends on how long you stay at this table, but unfortunately, it's a tiring fast pace game that most get spent on quickly. It takes a certain type of persona to keep up this pace. I know this for fact as I too have tried the craze but I'm not much of a gambler – shit I lose $20 and I'm screaming poverty.
The casino of love is something we inevitably will visit, but the games we play will decide the outcome and how lucky (in love) we will be. It is a gamble, a gamble that we will not be fortunate in the riches that may be obtained, the goal to which we strive may never be acquired. We gamble by placing ourselves out there, money is our feelings and we spend them willingly hoping we make a profit in return. Logic and game plans are always a plus, but luck isn't systematic, it strikes when it pleases.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Saying I am a free spirit is probably an understatement – saying that I am the most fun, might be more on target. For those who read this site and have had the pleasure of knowing me in person and had the privilege of raising a glass or five over some good stories and loud music can attest to the fact - you'll never have a bad time in my presence….its something I can pride myself upon. Everybody has their "thing" – me? I'm go with the flow, up for anything and never in a bad mood.
Stop laughing its true.
There are times though when even me, Meredith, the Best from East, the Wild Crazy Beast, must sit one out…..and it is due to one event in particular that I must now bow out for a smidgen of time and begin to retire because I bring a new meaning to the words Boston Massacre.
A brief foreground to this momentous occasion is that Jannette, Francesca, Marianna and myself headed up to Boston for the weekend. Why? ….more like - Why not? Friday we get there about 9:30 a.m. and hit the ground running doing the site seeing thing when I remember my friend Matty Slo happens to be from Boston and sure enough – he's there and ready to party. VERY LONG STORY SHORT – we meet up with him and some friends and the fun begins…..three bars, about a hundred Sam Adams and countless shots later, I'm not remembering much and standing upright is becoming burdensome…..
[Side note: for those who have partied with me, I can hold my own, I have never ever been "that girl" but this was past my breaking point fo sho and besides, there is a first for everything…..]
We leave the bar and bid farewell to the lovely male liquor providers. Noticing that Francesca, Jannette and Marianna are boarding a bus, I join them on what I think is our ride home. Nope - not happening - the visions of sugar plums dancing in my head were not to be mine just yet. Instead we have embarked on a Party Bus that will be giving us our own private tour of Boston. What you need to know, and what I didn't know at the time was:
(a) my friends knew the people running the tour
(b) it wasn't a real tour, these guys just took the bus for after hours fun (one is a manager of the company)
(c) the bus driver, was not a real bus driver
Off we go, putt-putting about town, music blaring, disco ball spinning, strobe lights glaring, beers are being passed around like herpes on a whore. I'm in the front of the bus with the bus driver perched upon a speaker/console – its all good – I'm friggin Captain Carl man!!!! I got this on lock as co-pilot. Using a friend's phone, peering out of only one eye……you know…..for better focus, I begin texting other friends what a great time we're having when suddenly the bus stops….but it stops HARD and then there goes Mer…..bumbling down the stairs like a Ragity Anne Doll.
Like a true champ I get back up, I've bumped my head and I have a small cut under my eye, but again, its all good because I'm alive, not hurting bad and we're having a good time. I'm not a kill a joy….oh no, I'm the maker of joy, the Kris Kringle if you will of good times, a silly little cut is not stopping me nor will I allow it to hinder the happiness of my friends. HELL TO THE NO…..stopping now would be blasphemous.
Back in my co-pilot's seat (no I didn't learn), we move onward and the bus begins to slow down and pull over on a bridge/highway allowing us all to pile out and look at the beautiful Boston skyline. All is well and we're happy, however, due to the fact that I have fallen once and I'm injured, it has become my duty to brainstorm like a drunken champ because it has occurred to me, after about a good 45 minutes, that I don't seem to know these people who we're with.
Bonnie Braniac over here decides to start using the phone again texting my good friends Anthony and Gerard – one gets a picture of my eye, the other, the license plate of the vehicle we were in. Uh yeh…..come on….give a drunk girl a break, I thought I was doing some CSI bullshit. In return I got frantic replies of "OMG Mer where are you? What is going on? Are you ok?" To which I tried to alleviate concerns but I highly doubt that was accomplished as I had the attention span of gnat at that point, but I digress…… After I climbed back over the guard rail and enjoy the scenery with everyone else, we decide to load ourselves back on the bus and head out.
Guard rail???? Highway???? WTF????
Again Coked-up Carl is at the helm lunging the bus forward with the tenacity of a Nascar driver barreling through the streets of Boston clearly on a mission, when all of a sudden, the bus jerks even harder than earlier while rounding a corner…..this time a few more people fall down on each other piling up like a short stack of pancakes, but when they get back up…..Mer is back down the stairs again. This time though, I just laid there taking a mental inventory of what condition I was in before I moved. I knew right away, I had chipped a tooth and I had bitten my lip so hard I was swallowing copious amounts of blood.
Hands reach out to grab me, but bad ass that I am, I put up my hand in the STOP formation, wave everyone off, get back up and well I don't remember quite much else because I think the brain swelling began at that point…however I do believe I finally cried. Everyone was a little shook up and it was at last, time to go home. I do remember disembarking the bus and turning to the guys and uttering to them, "I'm not paying for this ride and neither are any of my friends for that fact." I think Marianna wrapped her arm around me and ushered me back in the hotel…..I think.
The next day the girls wake up to find they are sharing a room with Rocky Balboa, hey I call it like I see it and I got a little messed up the night before. Of course in my twisted world, I found most of the stories funny because we start re-telling the events of the evening before and it continues to get worse:
Me: "I hope none of you paid for that ride last night. I told them I wasn't paying."
Jannette: "Mer, we knew those guys."
Me: "We did? When did we meet them? I don't remember meeting them."
Francesca: "You were off somewhere, it was in the last bar."
Me: "Oh man, that rips it."
Marianna: "If we ever hear that term again……Mer you were yelling YOU RIP IT to everyone in the last bar."
Me: "I was??? When was I doing that?"
Francesca: "Just after we ordered the food."
Me: "There was FOOD!?!? When was there FOOD?"
Monday, October 02, 2006
Last week I gave an update about work and whatnot…now its family time.
My mother, for anyone who is wondering, is doing great. Her surgery was a success and from what they can tell she’s cancer free….although they will be doing a set of radiation treatments just in case. I love the fact that she’s being treated where I work too since I know everyone in the cancer field here – good stuff, makes me happy. Plus in a weird way this is good for mom. Let me explain before you are like WTF? My mother puts everyone ahead of herself….like most moms…but its to a point that she is getting seriously frustrated. My grandmother (her mother) is going more and more senile as the days go on, she’s always confused, she’s lonely and a bit depressed. My mother is the only one who takes care of my grandmother and the burden is really getting to her. Its very sad to see the exchange between them and its hard to accept because this is confirmation of the end of an era.
My father, well he’s a typical dad, but something isn’t right with him either…he lives more in the past than the present thinking that things will change on their own instead of opting to make those changes himself. Not good. He's overwhelmed with no direction to get out and I think he's a bit depressed, I think the regression into his own world helps him escape and not deal with this one. We don’t know if it’s the onset of an illness, general old age or what but it scares us all the same and is becoming more of encumbrance and embarrassment to my mother than anything. We have tried to talk to him but he’s old school so its hard to get him to understand.
These things stress my mother out so having a good prognosis with cancer and getting the added attention is good for her in a way because the focus is on her. I try to talk to my mom everyday for at least 15 minutes to see how SHE is doing, not everyone else. I try…I really do but unfortunately sometimes I can’t listen to it all, it brings me down more than I already am. I'm there for her though, don't get me wrong, its just not an easy time for any of us.
My sister is still moving to Atlanta, last I heard my brother-in-law will start commuting between Atlanta and Jersey in January. It makes me very sad that they will be moving away from me, but there isn’t much I can do about it. My parents will follow them once they are settled and that will leave me with a decision to make. Do I go to Atlanta, stay in Jersey or use this opportunity to move someplace adventurous like San Francisco, San Diego, NYC….or travel? Oh that would lovely and worth it all.
This is the first time in my life I have so many choices….normally the choices would excite me and to some extent they do but I feel lost at the same time. I feel lost since I don’t’ know what I want…there is no man to hold me back and base decisions on, my family will certainly give me advice and want me to come with them, however, I feel this is the first time the decision is mine for the taking. That’s kind of sad to admit, but it is what it is. Plus I’m not crazy about my job and the money isn’t the best - I could be getting so much more so why not try something different? What’s the worst that can happen – fail? I’m petrified of debt so as long as I can keep my head above water I should be good no?
Its all up in air right now and it should be interesting to see what the next course of action will be. I really want to think this out and make sure I make the best decision for me….one that will satisfy my love of life and innate curiosities about the world and what it has to offer. I'm looking for a decision that will be bring me the happiness I’m searching for, the calmness of self in which I want to thrive. This is all part of the pressure I place on my cramped cranium, I don’t want to fuck up anymore, I want to excel and be the person I’ve always dreamt of being.
An attempt is being made, the long arduous road lies ahead of me with no end in site. I feel like every aspect of my life is a winding underground tunnel with no light shining brightly. But don't worry I know this road I'm traveling will produce soon, I just have to make sure I'm making the right choices when I come to the forks in the road. Ones that will make me as happy as I deserve. I put a lot of pressure on myself and I have to remember to take it easy sometimes since there is an awful lot going on. I want to be the person my 12 year old self thought I would be when I grew up...I want to make that child happy.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Here we go:
It’s a fact, my job is easy. I went from being an Administrative Assistant working for three high and mighty Directors in a very fast paced office to a hidey-ho snail step position as an Executive Secretary…..this job does and does not blow big monkey pole for varying reasons.
Why my job doesn’t suck.
I do nothing. I answer a few phone calls, I keep my boss’ calendar. I put him in touch with the right people, I help him with his computer questions, because the man has no clue when it comes to the computer. Sometimes I get to make him a haircut appointment and plan some business travel – oh the fun. Trust me though, when its busy and he’s on fire –lookout, my job gets trying and the bullshit flies. However, I like my boss, he’s a pretty serious dude with a high position here, but he also knows how to laugh and make light of a situation. He knows how to be politically correct with the big wigs and he certainly knows his stuff. At his level, one would think I should be a shit-load busier than I am, but I’m not.
At first I didn’t mind the fact that life was pretty easy going. I put in 8 years doing menial work and being someone’s whipping boy, because let’s face it, when you are a secretary, you’re the first person in the line of fire when the shit hits the fan. Its not fun being the first bulls eye when the boss wants answers. I am paid to think two steps ahead of my boss should occasion arise…they want answers, its my job to find them. It wasn't always easy and thus the reason why this job was cake when I first arrived on the scene. Plus now that school has begun, I can use my down time for bits of studying. Not all that bad.
Why my job sucks
I do nothing. I’m so bored sometimes that I have to create ways of keeping myself busy. I’ve read blogs, I’ve paid bills, made appointments, chatted on the phone, sent a few thousand emails…..I follow my boss like a puppy dog looking for a scrap of work. And before you start thinking I’m a lazy ass, know this, I’ve told him I’m bored. I’ve attempted asking for more work, but alas, nothing has changed. It is what it is.
Its also escalating my laziness…I get out of here, and I’m actually tired from doing nothing!!! WTF??? My autonomy sucks here and I feel that the laziness is affecting me all around. Laziness leads to mistakes and I don’t make mistakes….at least not when my reputation is involved.
I don’t feel like I have a crucial role in any of the work for this department and I feel left out of the loop 90% of the time, where before I was an integral part in the grand scheme of running the department. I miss having a position where I would trouble shoot and give answers multitasking to my hearts content. I feel that I have way too much talent and “know how” to be wasted away here. My brain is slowly going to mush - I’m afraid that once I do in fact find another job, my go getter attitude will be diminished.
My good friend B actually said “Too bad you couldn’t find a way to make more money while at work.” Good thinking B and if I knew the first thing about stocks and trading, I’d be all over it.
Oh and the pay is ….let’s just say it leaves something to be desired. I make good money, no doubt, but do I make what people in my position make in the outside world? No. Money is a big key factor here. I stated the pay is not all that great – better than minimum wage by far, don’t get me wrong, but if I were to work elsewhere my increase in pay would be at minimum another $5-7,000. We are a non-profit organization so the pay is never competing, however, I do have job security and good benefits…. You can’t sneeze at something like that in this day and age.
Here I am at a crossroads of sorts. I have a good job, decent pay but I’m bored to tears. I want a job that I’m happy to do that challenges me on a daily basis, but I’d be stupid to give it up right now since it affords me the luxury of study time (and tuition-reimbursement). I have been contemplating and weighing these things on a daily basis. Can I sit here for the next 3+ years doing this day in and day out while I wait to finish my degree? Will I survive the boredom?
This is one of the tunnels that I face. I picture in my mind each tunnel I choose there is no end, no light. Each tunnel represents another facet of my life – relationships, family, friends, work, etc….and each one is overwhelmingly dark and quiet making me feel more and more discouraged all the time. I feel alone now – I haven’t talked to anyone about how I’ve been feeling, thus why I have an urge to write again to this blog – even if it is a boring amount of drivel.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Things have drastically changed in the last 6-8 months and i'm not only talking about me, I'm talking about friends and family. First - Trixie - well we're not such great friends anymore.
Huh? What? That's preposterous!!!
Well Trixie kind of showed what her true colors really were this summer when she started dating her new man. We always knew her to be a little self-centered and self involved and we always tolerated it to a certain extent, but then she became a little out of hand and things blew up....with me as the target. Unfortunate for her and her man they came at the wrong person and fell flat on their faces. She was well on her way to becoming an outcast of the group, but this propelled i and her relationship with all of us has become a little strained. I'll tell this whole story another time because I don't want this post to become a diatribe to why she's an putz.
Second, my family is still moving. Yes its true, my sister and brother in law are slated to begin their move in January to Atlanta. That being said, my parents will most likely put their house up for sale and join them some time in the Spring/Summer 2007. What does this mean for me? I dont know yet. I just started school again and I now boast the largest network of friends I've ever had. I don't know if I want to leave that. Then again what am I staying here for? My job is ok, but I'm not going to advance and well as far as men are concerned.....they aren't. That being said, I think when they go down for a looksee, I'm going to join because I'm open and I guess I can be persuaded. I make friends easily, perhaps the move is something I need for a change....I just can't help but feel I should stay behind.
Third, I'm just plain lost lately. Depression set in last week for a day or two that had me crying myself to sleep. I dont know if its because everythng in my life is at a stalemate or if its because I'm starting to have moments of lonliness. I look back on my mistakes and I'm petrified to make those again - I will not date someone just to date them so I find myself a little more lonely than usual....ya know what? I need to get off this topic right now.
So that's the fair weather update. I'm going to try and get more detailed with each day. Even if no one still reads this website, I'm going to give my daily updates as best I can.
P.S. - if you liked the first Jackass movie - the second is even better. Yes I went and I laughed my effin ass off!!!!!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Although I have to say, I'm not worried about class, I'm smart enough to pass with minimal effort.....its just the bother of it all. I don't want to take only one class, that's nothing, I'd rather take a few and be done sooner rather than later because this seems to be dragging on forever...kind of like this post. Anyway, money is a huge factor and I'm thinking Financial Aid may be in the near future for next semester because there is no way in hell I'm going to continue with school only one night a week - heavens no. Perpetual student my ass.
This is it, I feel like I'm in the home stretch and making a good show of it, unfortunately only being able to afford one class puts a damper on things but at least I'm doing it right? Oh well...ho hum and fiddley dee.....one thing at a time.
Next step is to find a second job at least until November/December since money has been a bit tight - I'm still at home helping the parents, but I'm finding that I have nothing left over for myself, just enough to keep me busy on the weekends....unfortunately I got a bit restless two weekends in a row and blew a whopping $700 on clothes and whatnot - HEY these things happen, its like the bear in the cage, he gets restless once in a while!!! Listen, it felt good for a change to spend a little somethin somethin on myself. Amen.
So I have come to the conclusion with summer finally over and school having started....and add to that my single status, perhaps a second job would be fitting for now. I know I've spoken about this before and I've given it more thought, this is best for now. Unfortunately I have no idea what the hell to do though. Fortunately, the single status helps in this field because now if I work on a weekend, who cares - I'm not exactly missing out on anything now am I? Ooooo we haven't spoken in awhile about my single status, odd since that's all I spoke about for almost a year, but that's neither here nor there at this point.
Let it be known and said here that I have made attempts, I've been on dates, I've done the phone, email thing but alas, no one has quite tickled my fancy. Its almost to the point that I'm starting to feel that I do not want to be approached any longer. I even joined Match.Com to see what the whole fuss was - and I have to say although its a great resource, I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed by it, therefore I'm thinking of jumping ship while I still have my sanity. School and work will keep me occupied enough.
The Match.Com experience has been exactly that - an experience, not even a month into it and I'm thinking that its too much for me. I've met only one person off that site and although it was a green light for a second date, I'm still like "eh" - so sad. Men have seen my profile and screamed "FRESH MEAT" - its become overwhelming and although I have much more to say on the topic, I'm going to keep you all hanging and report back tomorrow. ;-)
Thursday, August 31, 2006
This is a first - oooo aaahhhhh posting videos - Mer is going UPTOWN now!!! - Just so you know, I love the Colbert Report - LOVE IT.
Here's the thing, I can't stand the news and I don't read the newspaper, but because of this show, I actually want to know more about what is going on. I cant' even begin to describe why I love this show so much - I think its the clever and fast whit, its all the cheesy offhand slips, its the pure fact it pokes fun at something so serious. I'm in love with this show.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
But when you cross me, when you finally push me to the edge, be prepared to deal with what I have to say. Wait, let me back up, what you should know about my personality is that I never yell, to get me angry and fired up enough to shout, you know it’s got to be bad – only family has seen that side and its been a LONG time since that’s happened as rare as it is. Instead I opt to come to you rationally and poise my valid points and discuss like adults what is troubling me. Most of the time I won’t even open my mouth because I’ve learned to wait and allow life to play itself out….because sometimes the resolution presents itself without there having to be any incidents.
When an event occurs and I do finally say what I have to say and I’m able to divulge what I have on my mind, close friends and family know it must really be bothering me and they have learned to take it in stride and do the honorable thing by listening and not judging. They know I don’t just voice my opinion flatly and without reason, no, they know what I have to say is legitimate and applicable. My good friends know that in order for me to come to them and say I am upset with anything in my personal life - it must be truly something harsh. I don’t open up so fast to people. Yes I’m happy go lucky, go with the flow, but it takes a lot for me to open up to anyone, it’s the Aquarian in me I guess.
When it comes to those I love and cherish, I give even more lean way if they offend or hurt me. They are people I truly love and cherish and I should know their personalities and abide by their little incidentals. No need to really call them out and yell because I know personalities and I accept them for who they are because in order to be my friend you must possess redeeming qualities. Shit, I am so far from perfect I don’t expect anyone to get it on the first try I understand human nature. But I am thoroughly offended when what I have to say is placed on the wayside and not appreciated for what it is….my thoughts and feelings on said subject. I know I’ve spoken about being misunderstood, but this surpasses that because these people should know me best.
However, when you cross me, it doesn’t matter how many times you apologize, it doesn’t’ matter what the explanation is, you’ve tarnished and ruined something good and pure, because that’s all that I have to offer – I gain nothing by being friends with anyone but caring, sharing and good times. I don’t ask for anything, I don’t lean on anyone and I never complain, but once you cross that legit boundary, you’re done. If you’re alive afterward, you’ve used your ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Conceivably this may be part of my Italian heritage that has me feel that once you smear, taint or blemish a friendship I give up. It’s the same with dating – maybe its self preservation or maybe I’ve become an adult and refuse to by into the excitement that others can set forth. To me, friendship is shown and exemplified – actions do speak louder than words, that’s why an apology is sometimes not enough to alleviate the hurt that has been bestowed.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Am I being too blasé? No, bare with me. I worked in the cancer field for 7+ years. I've seen it all and I've heard it all. I've seen both sides of the spectrum from the patient's view, the family's view and the doctor's view, which is by no means a stretch of the imagination because I worked in stem cell transplant, breast cancer, research and radiation, I know a thing or two. I guess in a way you start to think that eventually its going to hit close to home,.....now its our turn.
The prognosis is excellent though because they caught it early and clearly by accident. Its a slow growing tumor and extremely small and had they not done the biopsy last week, they never would have accidentally found this cancerous nodule. Actually the doctor said that if he had not found it now, it probably wouldn't have shown up for another 8+ years. This is all very good news but still not the news you want to be hearing at any point in time. Next step lumpectomy, sentinel node biopsy followed by radiation. Thank god I know people in the field to make this a bit easier.
Immediately following the completion of the above paragraphs I had a meeting - a very dull, boring and stupid meeting. My knees were knocking with anxiety, I kept toying with my necklace while looking at that clock. My tolerance for stupidy and those who are most selfish and wrapped up in their insignificant problems made my blood boil with wild fury because they aren't getting it. They DON"T GET IT!!!! While sitting in the meeting all I could think about was getting up and yelling to the point of everyone's ears bleeding so that they could understand the frustration and anger - "MY MOTHER HAS CANCER!!! FUCK YOU and FUCK THIS MEETING!!!"
I'd be stupid to feel selfish during this time because I know I'm not alone and that millions have had to endure and experience this -hell 1 in 5 people wind up being diagnosed with cancer and not only that, but I know that chances are, a majority of the readers right now have been touched someway in their lives by cancer. I just need to get it out. Scream it, punch it and hurt it. Grab it by its fucking throat and squeeze tightly and once I get it out I can face the task of putting a finger on each hand up, staring it in the face and yelling with abysmally great force, YOU CAN'T HAVE MY MOM!!!!
We'll all be fine, we're survivors, but if I wasn't already tired from all the bullshit that's on my plate, I can't imagine what the coming months will be like. I'll be ok, I know this, I have no other choice because in actuality it's not about me it's about her and being there for her in any capacity needed, wanted or wished.
I'm not looking for empathy, I just had to get it off my chest and put it out there, into the universe, the pain, the hurt, the fright, the potential introversion that will inevitably follow due to my inability to want to let people in when I'm down. Admitting a weakness is huge for me....so I ask that if I see you in person, please don't make a big deal about it because I will seriously become uncomfortable. I'm not used to talking about myself on such a personal level, its not easily done. But I wanted to share this, I had to share this because its part of me and what is meandering through my skull at this moment in time.
Sigh.....deep breath.....exhale...aaahhhhh.....that feels much better now. I've purged the anxiety a bit. Thank you.
Friday, July 21, 2006
This was a few weeks ago and it still aggravates me that I went back on my own convictions and allowed myself to be ruled by the misperception of another individual. I despise that I compromised my belief on writing out thoughts, feelings, actions and quandaries all for the sake of said person, who in the end really didn't take into consideration the multitude of what I did to alleviate their concerns. The more I think about it, the angrier I feel for succumbing to it.
The thing is, I'm not a malicious person by any means, anyone who has spent five minutes in my presence can attest to that. I also have a hard time lying because in the past it's never worked for me. I live my life by way of right and wrong and what little I know of karma. So for anyone to question my actions, my loyalty as a friend or human decency is quite the slap in the face - especially when what I have spoken about has nothing to do with said person. But being the good-natured gal that I am and also possessing compassion, I took down any and all writings that came close to the topic(s) that were discussed.
I've been thinking about what I did and why I did it and I'm extremely irritated with myself more than I am with this ex-friend. I'm upset because I compromised myself, and for lack of a better description, my art, to appease obviously the wrong person and with each occasion that I think about this, the more I feel wrong for not standing strong to my passion and fervor for the written word DESPITE the topic at hand. I don't need to get into amendment rights and all that hoopla, but now I understand more than ever why journalists, authors, television and radio persona demand their freedom of speech. I think everyone should have their say and if I want to write about shit on a shingle I should be afforded that opportunity without persuasion from any entity.
I understand that some things written and said in this world of media may become offensive, and I comprehend that words can hurt - but that is not the intention of my voice, I'm simply not that calculating an individual to hide and misrepresent anything that befalls this keyboard. My character was questioned and my friendship challenged, and in the end, despite anything, I was the one who was compromised, not them. Any friend who tells me not to write about them, is apparantly not a friend of mine. Moreso and in addition, anything I write is offhand and done by curiosty and notion, not by malevolent enthusiasm. Those closest to my heart know this fact without it being a spoken word.
It will be a conscious decision that I must remind and reprimand myself on a constant basis that there is no more negotiation of my writing. It's not up for discussion and edit at will. My thoughts, feelings and adventures (if you will), are mine and mine alone. Read this as a disclaimer, warning or caveat, I could give a rat's ass, but everyone know this......ask questions, I'll tell no lies, but from this moment on, take it, leave it, go fuck it......that's your decision and your God given right, but don't rain on my parade due to your own insecurities and inner torment that you bestow negatively upon yourself. There is no conspiracy theory here, you are not a target....puhhlease you are not that important.
Thank you and good night......Elvis has left the building.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
I've been a little depressed lately finding myself crying at sad moments while watching a movie (never happened before). I don't exactly know why either. I mean I'm lonely at times, but that's not exactly it. I can deal with lonliness, I can deal with no man in my life, but something is missing. Perhaps the moving into an apartment will help me feel less stale and more in charge of my life. I definitely am itching for a change lately. I tend to get restless when my life is in one spot for too long. Does that mean I'll be looking for a new job? Not sure, but ya never know. All I do know is that I'm craving change in a baaaaaad way.
Tomorrow is my traditional excusion with my sister to the Bon Jovi concert at Giant's Stadium. Growing up I was a HUGE Jovi fan (who wasn't) and my very first concert was with my sister so it became tradition rather fast. I'm totally looking forward to getting LOADED with her - what else is new?
And that's about it for now. A little lame, but I had to throw something up. I promise something good will be written soon.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Have a great holiday and I'll totally give you an update of the coming week when I get back. GOOD LORD I can't even begin to imagine what kind of trouble I'm going to get myself into this week.....
There is such a thing as a mistake, there is such a thing as a misunderstanding and there is such a thing as truly apologizing. These aren’t vast epic myths, they do in fact happen.
Misunderstandings are the lack of communication. I am a communications major, I want to write, I want to produce and create. Telling me I can’t have my say is like telling me I can’t breathe. It’s the most frustrating thing for me if I can’t connect with another individual that I am interacting with. Sure there are stupid ignoramuses that you can’t help, but if you’re my friend, or someone I am dating, if I can’t speak my word, forget it….call me Crank Sinatra. I try, I make attempts, I look at it from every angle and I aim with earnest to get you to see my point. I’ll draw a diagram, I’ll write a letter, I’ll speak until I’m blue in the face, Oh my God, my friend Phil’s wine parties are perfect examples, we’ve almost attacked each other from across the table, but in the end, we concede to realize each other has a valid point. (Loving you Phil).
This is the most important thing to me, being understood and conveying my message so that you say, “Gotchya.” I pride myself on being able to bond with another individual, its gratifying that I know that we talk, that we see eye to eye on all different levels, not just basic fundamentals of hello how are you.
Recently I was misunderstood to the point of tears…literally. I felt like my legs and arms were tied, my mouth taped shut, my breathing felt shallow, a lifeline cut. I can’t help anyone’s perception of me, especially when not given the opportunity to explain further. I don’t like it when people play judge and jury without a trial and evidence. Its happened at work plenty of times, but personally it’s a rare occurrence, thus making it harder to chew. Its exasperating and energy zapping, fortunate for me I have patience and lots of it. I bide my time and I wait….dust settles, tempers go down and then I can speak. I wont’ fight, I refuse to because it gets you no where.
After you’ve been put through the ringer, lied to, cheated on, wounded, dragged through pits of despair, you become jaded and believing the best in someone doesn’t happen ever again. So sad because it becomes second nature to push away rather than accept. Disheartening because the good doesn’t prevail over the wicked processes of the brain, the conscious overcomes the subconscious….negativity dominates the good stuff resulting in loss that wasn’t needed or ever wanted. Why believe the good when its so much easier to believe the bad? Unfortunately that’s what happens….your sentimentality disintegrates thus throwing up that “wall” I keep talking about in previous posts. Its scary because you can throw up a wall against the wrong person because all the other times you’ve thought “this is it” – it didn’t quite pan out, hurt was eminent.
Communication is important, it has to occur. I said the other day, you have to build a good foundation and make sure there is upkeep to maintain a healthy relationship, but if the communication is lacking, then that foundation crumbles like it was infested with termites….it won’t happen right away, but slowly it will rot. Sometimes the damage has been done and that conscious decision to walk away can’t be retracted – is it pride? Could it be hurt? Laziness? Perhaps we didn’t care enough to begin with? Is it a ferocious cycle that we can’t break? I mean we all have our patterns, one can only wonder and most won’t take the time to recognize.
In today’s society its hard enough to find your own little piece of self amongst the mucky muck of civilization. Being able to acknowledge, forgive and forget becomes second to self-gratification because the certainty of being right is that great. Being misunderstood winds up being something you have to swallow despite great efforts to prove otherwise. This time I have to take my own advice, the same advice I gave “George” and my friend Nicole, it blows big monkey pole, but I concede defeat and lay the issue to rest.
So sad because that’s not what I wanted, but then again, we don’t always get what we want in life now do we?
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Drama now finds me....I mind my business, I live my life by right and wrong, good and bad. I say please and thank you, I treat people the way I want to be treated, but it is all for naught because drama still seems to find me. However, this time around I put both fingers up and say fuck you, I ain't dealing.
This guy I knew approached me about dating him and I did just that because he was someone I knew, he was funny, polite, had his shit together, he could be a bit of a dick, but I kind of need that in order to keep me in line. He has a busy schedule, I don't get to see or talk to him much. Fine by me, I don't want anyone up my ass - as far as I was concerned, it was a perfect relationship in the making. But then I wrote the post "Mediocre" and I posted it here and on my MySpace blog - little did I know that the mutha f'er was stalking my MySpace website. I'm not shitting you. He not only stalks my site for content, but I think he also stalks those of my friends. Yes if you are my friend and you leave me a comment - he clicks on your profile to see who you are, and what I've commented in return.
Can we say insecure?
Right away he comes down on me for writing the post "mediocre" and "the love letter" stating that mediocre was "all about him" and "the love letter" was just plain disrespectful. I don't even know where to begin explaining this.
First, the mediocre post was not about him. Ok that might be stretching the truth - at first I had reservations about dating him, but I went with it and was rather happy for the first time in a long time. Someone poised the question to me about dating and settling - so I took the idea and ran with it....and to be honest I got a TON of feedback from it, apparently I'm not the only one in this world who feels you shouldn't settle - but whatever. When I re-read that post and put myself in his shoes I understood the misconception and I profusely apologized for it....but he wouldn't hear it and when I say he wouldn't hear it, I mean that literally. He would NOT talk to me via phone or in person - opting to ignore me and play judge and jury with no trial. The only way he would talk to me was via text. What the fuck is that? Ok fine, I gave him space, I played his game of texting and apologized, not once, not twice, but three times on three separate occasions. After a whole week of not talking - he finally sends me a text this past Tuesday.
A text???? You want a relationship with me and your form of communication is texting? Fuck that shit. I gave up on Sunday, this ain't flying with me.....at all. I tried, you snubbed it, I'd have to be a complete moron to continue trying....you're shit wasn't that fly bro.
He most likely contacted me because Tuesday morning I changed my status from "in a relationship" on myspace to "single" - it was a whole week of not hearing from him, what was I supposed to do? Sit and wait for him? Rot away for someone who doesn't have the decency to contact me and listen to me? If I stayed with him, would this have been a trend for things to come? It was a simple misunderstanding, I can't imagine what a real fight with real emotions and problems would be like. Thanks, but no thanks. If I've learned anything from Ted its that I will not wait for anyone. I apologized for a foul up, he didn't take it, I'm not putting my life on hold - shit or get off the pot buddy.
Since he is a stalker of sorts, he sees my status change and TEXTS ME about it (TEXTING IS THE DEVIL!!!). I'm not dealing with that bullshit - no way. And the best part - I'm the villian. I'm the bad guy - yet I've never been able to plead my case, we haven't uttered ONE word to each other, yet I'm the one whose fault this all is. He's pissed because I gave up - uh hello MCFLY!!! Last time you were in contact with me was Saturday night and you're pissed at me? Hell to the NO!!!
Delusional? Definitely. Insecure? Totally. Manipulative? Completely.
I am sooooo glad that I know when its time to walk away. I am so glad I didn't sit on my fat Italian ass waiting for him and I'm happy I didn't invest so much in him. I'm proud of myself because a year ago I would've been a ball of stress worrying about pleasing him. I'd be sitting here complaining to you, my readers, about how unfair life is and why can't I catch a break. BUT NO MORE - no mas - Mer doesn't deal with this shit anymore. I've been saying it for awhile now and this is proof positive that I've changed. One word: awesome.
Monday, June 26, 2006
The only way to continue and move on is to know that you put in a good effort, that you fought the battle but lost the war. Each side is correct in their own right – when it comes to feelings, each party’s view is valid, you can’t help the way you feel, but you can help the outcome. Unfortunately, one or the other will not concede defeat and make the decision that perhaps being allies is easier than butting heads. Seeing it as a fault and not as a mistake can carry it to a high level escalading into a larger grand scheme snowballing to utter disappointment when it all could have been alleviated rather quickly with the simple acceptance of an apology….if the apology was a sincere one.
A good friend of mine from high school, we’ll refer to as Pete, has been trying to reconcile with his girl for the last 9 months. I see her point as to why she would not want to be with him anymore, the break up was his decision and you should live with the decisions you make that sculpt your future, but realizing it was a blunder to let her go, he has tried relentlessly to rectify the situation. Nine months of patiently waiting for her because he loves her that much….however she is scared of being hurt again. I see her position and it’s a sound and valid point she has…..I side with her on that, no doubt. However, he’s shown her no good reason why they shouldn’t get back together. He’s tried to talk, he’s apologized he’s even altered his life style a bit to fit her needs and wants. He’s taken her out, tried to start from scratch again doing it slowly…one step forward….three steps back. They’ve been together on and off, but at some point I have to say to him, I think its time to walk away my friend, she’s not pushing to be with you – read the signs, its time to make a decision that is best for you.
Earlier in life I would have struggled with something like that. I would have begged and pleaded trying to relay the message that love conquers all and rooting for the home team to win. But does love conquer all? Didn’t Patty Smyth and Don Henley say, “Sometimes love just ain’t enough?”
In cases of intense love, the hurt runs deep and an apology isn’t enough….that’s when the damage has been done and its time to accept and move on. It’s the death of a relationship, tragic in its own right, what we learn from it helps with how we will cope. I don’t want Pete to give up, but I don’t want him to be a glutton for punishment either. He has every right to happiness and if that means being alone for a while longer, then so be it. Everything happens for a reason.
I received great advice from this wild source once….my mother. She told me that “love doesn’t’ hurt and it shouldn’t be hard.” I want to elaborate on that, yes it can be trying, but it shouldn’t be hard. The foundation should be easy and it takes constant work, but when you have instances, complicated occurrences such as this, simply go back to basics. Start with what you know of right and wrong. There is no dissecting, there shouldn’t be intricate notions and ideas – its all basics. When there is a sticky situation – and in this case you are the one making the decision – ask yourself – do I profoundly love them? Do I want to be with them? If the answer is yes, its simple – get off your high horse, take the plunge and eff it. Geronimo. Custards last stand man….go for it. At least then you know you’ve tried and you don’t spend the next few months….even years wondering “What if.” God I hate the “what if” factor. Kills me every time – however if you went back to basics, you put your best foot forward, walking away is easier. Pete, you tried and you get mad props for it. Most men would have walked away a long time ago, but you’re efforts at a reconciliation aren’t being met. You’re not a bad person if you walk away. Take pride in the fact that you’ve tried, but do yourself a favor and make the decision instead of waiting for the decision to be made for you.
I’ve been there, I’ve held on so tight my knuckles turned white, but in the end I was still left alone. Tom tried to make amends, but when I finally took that stand I felt better, empowered….I stopped being the victim. I guess when you make that final decision, you have to be fully aware and ready that they won’t come knocking on your door again….don’t let it hurt your ego, let it fuel your decision that it simply.....in all honesty…..was not meant to be.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
God its like someone is sitting on my chest right now. I want to run out of here kicking, screaming, arms flailing for the mere fact that I have to get out this tenstion that is building within me. My blood pressure must be sky rocketing right now. I teeter between no motivation and wanting to scream. One minute I feel as if I could cry, the next I want to beat the living piss out of the next person who crosses me. Its awful and I feel defenseless and enraged mixed together in a giant bouncing ball of nerves.
Carrying on is inevitable until this hurdle is passed because I don't know what else to do with myself. I've been painted into a corner with no escape and waiting for the paint to dry is killing me. Its completely and totally destroying my innards to the point of nauseous insanity. I am normally cool and collected - ok fine, I'm a little zainy at times, but usually nothing bothers me. THIS is bothering me. Shit yes.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Everyday we sit on the bus to work together, and everyday I undress you, I mean......I uh.......I smile nicely at you. We make normal pleasantries and act very cordial, but please mark my words, given half a chance I would jump on your head six different ways from Tuesday.
I'm not joking.
I'm not exactly sure if it's your manly disposition, your 6'4" stature, your nice lean hard body or the glorious masculine hands that I imagine roaming my body, feeling my voluptuous......
Anywho, I feel that we have a deep connection, so deep that words would never be needed, we can communicate through sign language and grunting......lots of grunting. And when I say "sign language" I quote "Hands touching hands.......reaching out......touching me..........touching you." Poetic I know.
Please though, don't worry that I make more money than you, it's ok because I'll take care of the both of us. Seriously, we don't ever have to leave the house. Or at least you don't......just wait for me.......in my room.......every day. I'll provide you with nutrition and clothing (read: Viagra, water and a loin cloth).
Is it hot in here?
Where was I? Oh yes, I know this is shocking to you, it was shocking to me the first time I saw your hands next to me, so close, yet so far away. I couldnt help it, they are big and masculine, a little veiny, but strong. They are tough, brawny, well built manly hands. It doesn't hurt that your rock hard ass could crack a walnut, but I digress. Oh how I swoon and I know that you might be one sandwich short of a picnic basket, but I don't mind, I like 'em a little dim.....hell look at my ex.
This is not the time to be shy - carpe diem my good man. I don't bite (lie), I'll be gentle (another lie). We'll be very happy together (at least I will) for a very long time.......perhaps even a whole week. And if you're not into the commitment thing, that's ok, I think I might get over it........that is after I've sucked the life out of your body and leave your limp carcass lying in the bedroom guzzling Gatorade trying to replace the electrolytes I have drained from you. It happens - hey I'm a woman with needs.
I think I've made my point. I'll see you later at the bus stop where I anxiously await (stalk) your reply. I heart your bod.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
In a way my readers read my little blurbs and automatically feel it is I that I am solely talking about - sometimes yes, mostly no. Ideas do come from my life, but they also come from the lives of my friends, those who are single and/or dating. None of us are married yet (well one is well on her way), but we still face the same obstacles day to day. My core group is small, but my network is large and I feed off them and their situations.
I want to say thank you to those who care enough and are passionate enough to write out your thoughts and feelings or even advise me, Meredith (insert very Italian last name here) that settling is not an option. I know this, and I thank you. I broached the question more out of curiosity because I can think of several people I know personally and through work who have done just that - settled. Of course these people are in their late thirties and early forties and that's a big difference. I wonder what the turnout would be if we pooled those older than this readership to see their take, would it be jaded and cynical, or down right love absorbed like us crazy kids? When its a question of timing and mortality I think youll find the answers might be different.
Come on now, there ARE men out there who want a family by a decent age and there ARE women out there who feel their biological clock is ticking, so in that case, wouldn't you say its fair to settle? I'm not saying that people don't eventually find mutual love and admiration, look at Will and Grace. Yes they are fictional, but at the same time they had that love and understanding even though they were not in love. Are you catching my drift now?
For people like you and me, younger generation, (although that's rapidly changing) this notion might not be feasible. I'm certainly not ready to settle, but I do know people who are because they honestly want to start their lives....their "adult" lives, you know - house, car, family, 2.5 kids......the whole sha-bang. I guess unless you've truly known what its like to be madly in love you really don't know what you're missing. Movies can only depict it so far, but watching it and being part of it are two totally different animals. Whirl wind romances are hard to come by, I myself was fortunate to experience that in my life, therefore I already know I cannot accept anything less, but if you've never known what its like to be smitten to the point of insanity, perhaps living a life that's so commonplace isn't so bad.
Monday, June 05, 2006
All that being said, is it right to date someone that you only have mediocre feelings for? What if this person looks great on paper, but the spark is “eh” – is it fair to continue seeing them? What if you respect this person, you like them, you think the world of them, is it ok to continue?
What if you’ve had nothing but a string of bad relationships, ok, maybe not a string of bad relationships, but more like unlucky ones - ones that didn't work out for one reason or another. What if this time you meet someone and you say to yourself, He/She has their shit together, they are nice looking, good job, good personality, no psycho traits…basically normal….but that innate spark that draws out the “WOO HOO” is missing? They don't make you all tingly inside.
Is it fair to the other person? Let’s put it this way - they are happier than a pig in shit to be with you. Life is good for them because they are looking forward to being with you. They cherish you…they treat you well and want nothing more than to make you happy….their needs are being met and fulfilled. They are none the wiser and go along with the charade….even if they have an inkling of what’s up, they’re not rocking the boat because you’re “it” for them.
Is that fair?
Lets be real here, it isn’t like the movies, there isn’t one special person for you that you are destined to be with. Sure people do find that kind of love and they are the exception to the rule, but that’s like one in 20 billion leaving the rest of us feeling our relationships are less adequate. We look at women who marry sports personas and we think, “Oh she’s just in it for the money” – but what if she has had nothing but bad relationships and she’s trying something different for a change, or perhaps all she's ever met were average Joe's and she's just smart enough to have figured it out, money over lover. Far fetched but its fitting for this scenario so poo on you.
Tough question….very tough. I guess through understanding and caring you could learn to love someone, but is that right? Is there something morally wrong with that? I mean you shouldn't have to learn something like love.
I’m a big advocate for not wasting anyone’s time and I appreciate honesty in these situations whether I am the one being honest, or its the other way around because in the end you don’t want to hurt the other person especially if they are decent human being. In these circumstances honesty is the best policy.
I think each time one of us goes through a break up, we lose a little bit of ourselves. We try to protect ourselves from the pain again, but at the same time we turn away the good eggs. We are waiting for the WOW factor - the WOO HOO that makes us feel funny inside. But what if a good egg steps up to the plate and at first glance there is nothing wrong with them….like I said, on paper they are awesome and you’d be stupid to turn them away, however, its mediocre lukewarm feelings that you have….but on the other hand all you’ve ever dated were psycho’s and retards….shouldn’t you give him/her a fair shot? Try something different?
Some of us want to be challenged, some of us like the hunt, some of us want to be pursued and I’m finding now more than ever that when it’s served up on a silver platter its always going to be “eh.” Tell me this hasn’t happened to you and I retort bullshit. Its been done to me and I sure as hell have done it countless times, but at least now I recognize it before the damage is truly done.
So I ask, is it the lack of challenge or is it the lack of WOO HOO factor that has us craving more, wanting more, pushing away the average Jane/Joe's?
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
I know I have been absent, but its just weird now. I don't have the urge to share my life so much, probably because I'm not as confused as I once was.....shit, I should have started reading my gut a long time ago. But anyway, here's the scoop on my latest dilly.
In high school I always got the feeling that Chris had a bit of a crush on me. He even tried kicking it to me once and I was like, "uh...no." He was always really sweet to me, good looking, but he was a complete slacker so I always shot him down. Got me so far? Then we reconnected on MySpace and he just "had" to see me. I obliged because I was so happy to reconnect with another person from high school. One night I go to BLU (he bounces there sometimes to help out the owner whom he knows) and after he gets off from work we go to the diner and chit chat. He fills me in on his life and what's going on with his girlfriend (very on again off again relationship) - he tells me EVERYTHING like I'm some kind of shrink. Oh, by the way, I'm LOADED - what else is new? Anyway, we go back to his place and we stay up ALL night long drinking (oh brother), looking through the year book (that was like 2 hours right there) - so now its like 5 a.m. and he tells me to stay over. We lay in bed and we talk until about 9 - he smooches me, we fool around, but nothing major, it was all very casua, it didn't feel wrong and plus it didn't go far....at all, just minor stuff. Remember, we're both at this point sort of in relationships, but not really. (I was dating this kid at the time). We say good bye at like 7 the next night - again we hung out ALL DAY LONG. It was fun, but I certainly didn't read into it. At this point I'm not about to bark up anyone's tree.
He emails me a few days later and tells me that him and his girl got back together, I told him I thought it was great news and if anything he should try to work it out. A few days after that he calls me and tells me that his cell phone was stolen. I'm like, "How did you get my number then?" - he said through some Verizon connect or something - whatever. Then he tells me more gossip about the troubles with his girl and how its really really over this time - he caught her cheating red handed. Like wow. I try to be a friend and tell him he's got to do what he's got to do. We talk some more like friends do about this kind of stuff. I was the first person he called after all this crazy stuff went down with his girlfriend so I'm thinking that we're good friends and that's that.
Well I don't hear from him again and I'm like WTF? I certainly wasn't going to go out of my way to call him and hang out. In a way I felt like I was reading between the lines and I told him that night that if he was trying to hook up with me on the rebound that he might as well go bark up another tree because homey don't play that. He said he liked me to much to do that. Aw - yeh....whatever.
This past weekend my friend Matt bumps into him and they get to talking. Matt tells Chris that we're good friends and Chris goes into this whole thing about how he fucked up...he's an asshol and he fucked up. He gets my number from Matt and he immediately starts texting me and then calls me on Sunday. I haven't returned his phone call. Why you ask? Because he's the type of guy I fall for all the time and as much as we are good friends, I'd go weak in the knees for him and screw up something potentially good with my new potential. He is the type I've dated before and now he's got his shit together and that makes him even more yummy....a bad case for disaster with me. I'll call him back tonight and be friendly - maybe even hang with him again, but I'll have to establish boundaries.....not saying that he wants anything from me, but I'm not taking that chance.
I mean Chris is yummy with a spoon, I'd jump on his head six different ways from Tuesday. I'm trying to do the good thing here because I really do enjoy playing with fire, but I won't. I can't. My new potential is too good to fuck up. At least I know that now beforehand.
But why is it that guys realize this about me after the fact? Why do they want to rekindle? Is it because I've moved on? Or was I that awesome that they still think about me. Good question and perhaps I'll ask him should the question arise.
Friday, May 12, 2006
When I used to tell my friends that he was really into me they didn't want to believe it. They gave me sympathetic glances like I was crazy and blowing his actions out of proportion. But that is not the case. Oh no.
You know how I said we'd be friends? Well we knew that we both had tickets for last night's Yankee/Boston game so we stayed in semi-contact so we could meet up to tailgate. Well long story short during the game B (my best guy friend) and I moved down to where Joseph's seats were and we hung out with him and his friend. With me so far? Wouldn't you know it....Joseph starts flirting with me and its VERY apparent. (I am going to try and cut this down so its not too long) I turn to B and I'm like "You're seeing all this right?" - because I tell B all my stories and he sometimes thinks I'm making this shit up and blowing things out of proportion. Anyway, so Joseph says to me, "You must think I'm a complete shit for what I did." And I basically told him I didn't really want to talk about it - that I had something to say, but not there. He keeps prodding me and finally I blurt it out. I say, "Listen, you and I did what we did for however long. We tried setting up three dates, all of which you cancelled. I was a little upset because I felt you didn't give it a shot. You didn't give it a chance. Plus I don't think the reason why you dumped me was the whole reason. I think there was more to it....I don't know what, but I think there was more. But yeh you basically didn't give us a shot."
His response? "You're right. I didn't and I regret it" - AND THEN he continued to flirt with me ALL NIGHT LONG. I shot him down so many times it was comical. We went to the bathroom and in the hallway he was like, “Hug me.” And he started kissing my cheeks and trying to whisper in my ear and then he actually tried to kiss me!!! NOT HAPPENING. THEN he wanted me to come over to his place to "talk." I told him that I'd hang with him, but there was no chance in hell of ANYTHING happening. After the game I totally blew off his text messages until I dropped B off and then I called him and told him not a chance.
What is wrong with this kid? He is SOOOO hot and cold its unreal. We're still cool because I handled it rather well, and we have plans to chill next week with my sister and her husband, but WTF? What is that? Loser. I mean he was relentless last night to the point where B said, “YO, when are you two going to start making out?” – it was actually funny, but I am SOOOOO glad B was there because he witnessed it FIRST hand and now I don’t feel like a complete quack. My stories about Joseph now have validity.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
That’s what’s happening right now. I'm busier by the day. Its all my fault and I’m not complaining, god no, I am lucky to be able to do the things I do and have the friends that I have….but god, being “on” can get tiring.
Do you get what I mean when I say “on?” I’m not performing, but its in my nature to be pleasing to my friends and make sure we all have a good time. In all honesty its about the company you keep, not what you do. I’m a good friend and I try not to be the poop of the group – you know, Ms. Grumpy. Instead I’m the fun of the group, the wild child. But it takes its toll every once in a while and I'm getting fried.
For example, with summer on the way, the Spring is being kicked off quite nicely. I’m playing softball (I’m laying the SMACK DOWN), heading to more and more Yankee games, people are having their much anticipated parties and/or BBQ’s, Great Adventure is open, its just about shore weather – god its all piling up! One thing after the next! Weekends are getting booked at a rapid pace to a point now where I need a break because I’ll burn out by mid June if I don’t start taking it easy….plus my liver is seriously starting to hate me, he called me a bitch last night and kicked me in the side. True story.
But how do you slow down when you wait all winter to enjoy these things? How do you say no to what sounds like an awesome time!?! Especially when your friends easily appeal to your senses of good times and great memories - I could be hit by a car a week from now and not have lived enough to truly enjoy my life.
Its not that I “need” to do any of these things and I sure as hell do not have the mentality that, “if I don’t go I’ll miss something” oh hell no. I go and I do because the reason is simple….it sounds like fun. Why not? Life is too short. But hot damn I’m getting tired. I’m over committing myself to too many things and I didn’t even realize it. I love my friends, I’ve spoken at length about them before and I cherish the fact that they think of me to invite me out, but god, when I say no, some people actually get pissy with me. What is that?
I am by no means Ms. Popularity…ok that’s a lie, I do have a vast array of friends, but I feel like I’m over-extending myself to spend time with all of them. Unfortunately certain people get pushed to the wayside, not by fault, but by default. I try to make it a first come first serve basis to chill because I don’t want to be a douche….alas, these things happen.
Sunday for the first day in well over two weeks I blew it all off. I stayed in and as much as it felt good, I felt guilty because I had to blow off two different sets of people in order to accomplish it. So sad. I have to say though, it felt great to stay in bed late. And then I took myself to a movie which was good (Miii) and relaxed the rest of the day watching the boob tube. My sanity is slowly making its self present once again, but with two Boston vs. Yankee games this week, my plate is already full.
A year ago my life was thrown in a tail spin and I didn’t think I would recover. Hold up - another lie, I should say that I knew I would survive and move on but I certainly didn’t think I would be complaining about lack of time for myself. Heavens no. I’m thankful, but I guess I need to learn how to say no to some people now. Perhaps take another step back and chill out a bit. Yep, that’s the ticket, take time for me and do me. Ok, there we go, I have my agenda for the weekend.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Tomorrow I am supposed to go to a NFL Draft party. I've been looking forward to this for a long time and I was happy to see a few friends I haven't been able to see....that is until I just received a phone call that Ted may be there as well.
SHIT FUCKING ASSHOLE FUCK FUCK
When I heard the news I automatically got sick and I told Joe, "I'm not going." to which he replied, "He said the same thing." My feeling is this - I was invited first, Joe's girlfriend is going because I'm going and if Ted really doesn't want to be around me, then he can go fuck himself and go to another party. If anything I'll ruin his time by being there OR he just won't be able to come for the simple fact I'll be there. ASSHOLE. I hate him.
I don't think I'm ready to see him again though - in all seriousness. I'm not in love with him, I hate him, but what disappoints me most is the fact that all this dating I've done, well I have yet to meet someone who I have that simple connection with. Its so sad that this person who could have been my everything is such an asshole. The hate comes from the disappointment. It comes from my own stupidity for being with him for so long. For believing he would change, for putting faith into a waste of flesh like himself. God I hate him for provoking this feeling from me every time there is a threat of seeing him.
I hate him and I hate myself more for allowing him to have this effect. My stomach hurts now and I just want to go home. I want to cry, I want run away. My eyes are tearing up because there is still so much hurt and pain.
I'll let you all know Monday what happens. Wish me luck - luck that he doesn't show.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Hey guys - check it, I'm a blonde. Who would have thunk it right? This isn't the best picture since it was taken with my camera phone last night, but you get the idea. Its hot.
Tonight I'm headed to the Yankee game. At first I was pretty stoked about it, but now I'm kind of dreading it. You need the scenario and the facts so here they are.
Trixie is now dating the brother of Peter. Do you remember Peter? Peter was dating Agnus and she caused this riff between us because Peter hit on me while dating her - he used to do it all the time even before they dated but whatever. Anyway, tonight Trixie organized this whole game excursion and now its her, her boyfriend, our friend H (I've made out with him last summer), Peter and their other brother. Back in the day we were all friends and all was good with the world, but now there is a tension - not by my doing either. Part of me wants to tell them all to fuck off, but another part just wants things to be chill like they used to be. It won't happen though...to bad.
So its all of them and me. I'm sooo the outsider tonight and I'm not sure how I'll deal - I'll probably sit back and chill and not offer up by way of conversation. Of course orginally I was bringing a friend but their police training is not ending until late so I'm ass out on that home front.
I did however get my sister to agree to come and we'll chill major and have a great time - but still, I have to see all these dufus' and that's not cool. Trixie isn't understanding 100% why I feel like an outsider but then again she's in lover's bliss right now. I'm happy for her, totally, but she needs to tone it down a bit...just a tad.
Even when I try to stay out of the loop, out of the drama - it still finds me. What is that? I dont' want to drop friends and I've made quite a few new ones, but still its not easy. Whatever.
I'm really quite comfortable with things lately so this is just a small blip in the system, I'm sure I'll be fine.
That's about it for now. Have a great day and I'll be chatting with you soon.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Sure I am still helping my parents with money – hell yesterday alone I wrote close to $1000 in bills, but its all good. And yes there is no man in my life – but that’s old news, I’m used to being alone at this point. And no, my car still hasn’t been sold and I’m still living at home (not by choice). I haven’t lost the 10 lbs. I promised myself I would lose and I still think about the loyalties of some friends…
None of it matters. None. Its all small potatoes compared to the bigger picture…the outlook I’m now viewing as my motivation to keep on keeping on.
Last week I came to a realization…yes I’ve discussed this realization before, this theory, but its never sunk in and hit me so hard as when the chips were down last week. I can’t believe someone is going to save me and make it better – so I applied to school again and if all goes well, I’ll be back in classes on May 22nd. Good for me. I also haven’t been hanging out with my friends as much – opting to switch it up and see people I haven’t seen in a while. I’m being more diverse and letting more people into my life.
It’s a good thing.
I am more comfortable with me and I don’t’ need the kick ass wild times that I was having – although they still occur. Hell two Friday’s in a row I pulled all nighters – but I don’t feel the urge to share them like I used to and I don’t know why. Its odd I guess, but I’m not going to analyze – I accept it for what it is and I do what I want to now. The good thing about being single is not having to worry about another person, I’m left to my own devices….which normally gets me in trouble, but its good trouble. I like it – I like me and I’m happy.
Certainly there are times that I wish things were different, but the reality of the matter is, I have to make them different. I have to make them better and I’m doing that. I do wish I was living on my own, but family needs me now – everything will happen in due time. All of it…when the time is right.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
My sister has been talking up this guy that works for my brother-in-law for two years now. She'd tell me stories about him and how if I was single she would love to set us up because he's so funny and wonderful blah blah blah. But even when I became single, I kind of blew it off because things are supposed to happen when they happen, I wasn't pushing anything, plus my brother-in-law had his reservations about the whole thing. Understandable, I've known my brother-in-law shince I was 9 and this is also an employee of his.
Its two years later and my sister becomes part of the cult....she becomes a MySpacer...(GASP!!). Its all in good fun and she's reconnected with a lot of old friends and whatnot. But this guy....Joseph is on MySpace and of course quickly becomes a friend on her list. Somehow, someway him and I become friendly online and chit chat leaving comments and whatnot for about a good two months. Every once in a while he'll invite me out to hang with his crew and I do the same but schedules never truly mesh so it doesn't happen right away - again, we're talking a good 2-3 months here until...
One day things work out and we finally decide to hang. To make a long story short, I meet up with him and his crew....not expecting a damn thing other than chilling with my girl Nicole and maybe meeting some new peeps. At this point I'm not looking for a man, I've been hanging back doing my own thing.
The second, I mean....the SECOND we make eye contact its evident something is going on. We both ignore our friends and yap the whole night, drinking, laughing, dancing....having a ball. I mean it was a blast!!!...and then he starts making advances on me. I'm like "Whoa....alright, I can do this." and of course he winds up kissing me. Well that's it, the gloves are off and so are we. I mean it was something out of left field for me, but whatever, I'm not a kill a joy so I go along with it, plus he's sooo much fun. He's the male version of me.
I give him a ride home (Nicole and I came in separate cars and he came with a friend so its all good). We get back to his place and I meet his amazing dog and then he's on me like white on rice....and its hot. We're on the couch, the chair and somehow wind up on the floor. We're rolling all over one another - its getting crazy...but there is no way in hell I'm sleeping with him....but I'm having fun. We call it a night, we have some good laughs....it ends there.
The following week is St. Patty's Day and I have big plans...but again, my plans always get bashed and things change. Trixie and I are at a bar with H and H gets so loaded he can't come with us to Hoboken where my friends Joe and B are. I'm pissed because we delayed everything so he could come and now we've missed our opportunity to get to Hoboken because it gets PACKED there. But guess what? Joseph is available and at a bar not far from where we are. I pack up Trixie and we're off.
Again, the second I see him, we're all about each other. I'm mingling, I'm having a grand ol' time and he asks me to see him again the following night....low key - his place. Ok - fine by me.
Saturday night I get to his place and its again, another great time. We talked for 3 hours straight, yes we had some wine, but it was going very very well. I'm getting the vibe, I'm putting out the vibe, but keeping my distance....untill he kisses me....and then all bets are off. We go at it and its intense and wonderful....everything I've been needing, everything I've been wanting. WHOOP OH BOY!...and yes, I make the fatal mistake of sleeping with him. The next day I have no regrets, but I do tell him that until him and I figure stuff out, I don't want my brother and sister knowing what is going on. Its ok to be friends, but I dont' want them all up in my business.
The next few weeks we hang out at bars in groups, I visit him at his place, he takes ill for a little over a week, but we continue having a good time, but its not taking off the way it should. We have pretty good sex, but I'm starting to feel like its not going anywhere and I really want to talk to him about it. Its not bothering me that we are relaxed and chill like that, but it bothers me that when we are together I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but outside of physical presence....he's just not around. So I decide I have to talk to him. I have to get this off my chest. We have plans to meet last Wednesday, but he gets pretty banged up at the Yankee game and it doesn't happen. Damn. Ok - next time. We have plans for Friday night....but then the movers don't come on time to help move his dad so he has to cancel. Strike two. He does call me later in the evening around 10:30 to tell me they got done and they are going to a bar if I want to come with. Fine, my friends are leaving the bar anyway, I might as well go see him. I get to the bar and things are a little strained but he's putting out the vibe. Another good time and then that night he tells me, "We are so going to dinner next week." Cool I think to myself I can talk to him then, but I will be a nice girl and talk to him BEFORE we go to dinner and not during. I've got this whole plan.
Doesn't happen that way. NOPE - instead I get an email that he doesn't feel we have "it" and that he doesn't want to string me along. What is that? That's what he's been doing all along. I don't know if I'm more pissed about the email or the fact that he beat me to it. I haven't really analyzed it, if anything I've learned my lesson...I dont sleep with people so fast, but I allowed it this time. Idiot.
Here I am back at square one again. I'm not upset over him...no that's the funny part, normally I would be a basket case, but I guess I take comfort in the fact that I knew I didn't want anything with him any longer...but DAMN - an email??? I do take solice in the fact that I called him out on it...and then called him a homo - but that's another story. LOL.
I live and I learn.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
So I wrote about that guy yesterday...the one I've been seeing, the one I'm on the fence about. he one I was apprehensive to write about for fear of jinxing......guess what? Today I get an "I'm not feeling this anymore" email. You just can't make this shit up.
First, what is that? An email. Come on now. Second, I don't know if I'm more pissed that it was an email or that he beat me to the punch. I have to laugh about it all though. Really I do. At least its over and I can breathe again not worrying if its going to work or not.
Here I am again...back in the saddle. I never really was exclusive with him so that's a good thing, I didn't kill all my back burners....but I think that I'll take it easy for a bit.
Its funny because at first I was like WTF? I didn't get it, like was I really reading this email? But then I was like, "Wait a minute, I wasn't all that interested anyway....why cry over spilled milk right?" I think its all worked out for the best.
I think the real hurdle for me was when I was writing a blog post for my myspace account and I discussed the differences in my male and female friends and their advice. I wrote:
"My girlfriends upon hearing the shitty ass news tried to console me. They sent me emails, text messages and called me to make sure I was ok (yes, this news was that bad). Those are my girls, my support system, they are my true friends. LOVE THEM. I don't know where I would be without them.
However, my guy friends upon hearing the same shitty ass news did not email me, text me or call me with words of encouragement - instead they invited me out drinking. The funny part is, get a few drinks into men and they love to analyze, critique and give their opinion, they just do it differently than my girls. I find it funny - I love it that for all their macho behavior, they really are a bunch of yentas.
You see, girls look at things emotionally, they attach a feeling to an idea, whereas men take the idea for what it is, chop it up and move on once they've settled on a hypothesis that's agreeable to them. Girls can't do that until they have an emotional sentiment of closure. That's the difference between my friends....that's why I need both in my life for their analytical prowess of gossip, conjecture, humor and love.
Both sets of friends served their purpose well and I went home to bed in a much better mood than I had been all day. Of course it was short lived as my day of shit almost and I stress "almost" turned to two days of shit when I received an email this morning that could very well have left me feeling rather unsettled the rest of the day. Let's be honest, who can really survive two days of being punched in the neck? But alas that is not to happen....you know why? Because why sweat the small stuff? The very people I just wrote about are the ones who help my fuel economy so that I don't waste energies where I don't need to. I have great friends and writing this is yet another example of how fortunate I am to have them. I love you guys. MWAH!"
And its the truth - right in the midst of writing this, I instantly felt better. I am in a great mood right now...and its amazing to me because a year ago I thought I couldn't live without a man in my life...now I can't imagine having one. Its odd.
Happy Anniversity to this blog which turned 1 year old on April 14th. Thank you for your support guys....I love ya.
Monday, April 17, 2006
If you see this cocksucking, asshole muther fucker dickbag piece of shit waste of flesh oxygen eating worthless crap - please shoot on site.
I haven't had to deal with his sorry ass in 6 months, but I just received a notice of collection that I'm being sued because this ass fuck was making 900 calls on my phone back in February 2005. I heard the recording and everything. I hate this son of a bitch with every morsel of my body. HATE - strong word but funny how it doesn't touch the sentiments I truly have.
Does it stop? EVER? Please tell me yes...please tell me that I will once and for all be done with his dumb fucking life interferring with mine.
What I will tell you is that I've been - I guess the correct term would be "seeing" him for a while now and at first, when I first met him I was over joyed at the prospect of him. I felt that if there was someone who could potentially break through my wall of comittment phobia, it would be him. It was just that good.
I don't want to get into too much detail, he is after all still a part of my life, but we've only seen each other rather sporadically....when we see each other its either out with a group of friends or its at his place watching a movie and (cough cough) doing other stuff. (Go Mer!).....but anyway, we have yet to have a real date. Oh sure he was really sick for about a week or two and this Saturday he said, "We are so going out to dinner this week." - but the night before he was a little flimsy in his demeanor toward me around friends. I'm not sure how to read it all because my gut is telling me something....bugging me. I'm not used to a guy not being so present in my life once they are interested. I'm not used to not knowing what is up. Its all very new.
But I will say this, I've been just as lax. I haven't been up his ass - oh hell to the no. I won't do that ever again. Plus, I like to keep my back burners, but this guy....well I thought he was special enough to keep all the back burners at arms length, which I have done. Come on now, who are we talking about here? Mer is playing the field until someone says otherwise.
For the most part, we are extremely compatible, we get along very well, but its nagging me that he's not exactly very forthcoming with the dating issue. Does that make sense? A few times I've had the opportunity to ask him what it was that we had going on, but I didn't and I don't know why. Do you think it could be because I already know it won't go the distance? I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I'm allowing my insecurities with men dictate what happens to them. I'm proud of the fact that I haven't been whining about it and carrying on. I'm proud that I don't let him dictate my life. But he would have to be a complete ass to assume that he is the only guy interested in me. Sheesh.
That's about it for now...that's where I am as far as relationships go. Everything else is rather peachy keen. I have more to write on the topic, but I fear it might cause that inevitable jinx....then again maybe I already know what direction this is headed therefore its ok I write about it. Huh - now there's a thought.
My current thoughts on this guy are when should I say enough is enough? When should I make the decision that his lack of a wanted presence in my life isn't enough? I think I'll see if we do actually have a dinner date this week. If we do, I'll guage my decision on the dinner and see if we talk about "us" at all. If we don't have the date and I don't have clear answers, then its hasta la pasta for him.