Thursday, July 27, 2006


My mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer today......actually about a half hour ago and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I'm not devastated, I'm not crying my eyes out, I guess at some point I knew that my parents would eventually not be infallible to the diseases that plague people later in life. In a way I was waiting........biding my time if you will, enjoying them while I can.

Am I being too blasé? No, bare with me. I worked in the cancer field for 7+ years. I've seen it all and I've heard it all. I've seen both sides of the spectrum from the patient's view, the family's view and the doctor's view, which is by no means a stretch of the imagination because I worked in stem cell transplant, breast cancer, research and radiation, I know a thing or two. I guess in a way you start to think that eventually its going to hit close to home, its our turn.

The prognosis is excellent though because they caught it early and clearly by accident. Its a slow growing tumor and extremely small and had they not done the biopsy last week, they never would have accidentally found this cancerous nodule. Actually the doctor said that if he had not found it now, it probably wouldn't have shown up for another 8+ years. This is all very good news but still not the news you want to be hearing at any point in time. Next step lumpectomy, sentinel node biopsy followed by radiation. Thank god I know people in the field to make this a bit easier.

Immediately following the completion of the above paragraphs I had a meeting - a very dull, boring and stupid meeting. My knees were knocking with anxiety, I kept toying with my necklace while looking at that clock. My tolerance for stupidy and those who are most selfish and wrapped up in their insignificant problems made my blood boil with wild fury because they aren't getting it. They DON"T GET IT!!!! While sitting in the meeting all I could think about was getting up and yelling to the point of everyone's ears bleeding so that they could understand the frustration and anger - "MY MOTHER HAS CANCER!!! FUCK YOU and FUCK THIS MEETING!!!"

I'd be stupid to feel selfish during this time because I know I'm not alone and that millions have had to endure and experience this -hell 1 in 5 people wind up being diagnosed with cancer and not only that, but I know that chances are, a majority of the readers right now have been touched someway in their lives by cancer. I just need to get it out. Scream it, punch it and hurt it. Grab it by its fucking throat and squeeze tightly and once I get it out I can face the task of putting a finger on each hand up, staring it in the face and yelling with abysmally great force, YOU CAN'T HAVE MY MOM!!!!

We'll all be fine, we're survivors, but if I wasn't already tired from all the bullshit that's on my plate, I can't imagine what the coming months will be like. I'll be ok, I know this, I have no other choice because in actuality it's not about me it's about her and being there for her in any capacity needed, wanted or wished.

I'm not looking for empathy, I just had to get it off my chest and put it out there, into the universe, the pain, the hurt, the fright, the potential introversion that will inevitably follow due to my inability to want to let people in when I'm down. Admitting a weakness is huge for I ask that if I see you in person, please don't make a big deal about it because I will seriously become uncomfortable. I'm not used to talking about myself on such a personal level, its not easily done. But I wanted to share this, I had to share this because its part of me and what is meandering through my skull at this moment in time.

Sigh.....deep breath.....exhale...aaahhhhh.....that feels much better now. I've purged the anxiety a bit. Thank you.

Friday, July 21, 2006

So Not Happening Again

My writing/journal came up in conversation last night and I had to explain that due to the upset of another individual, I basically took down a lot of what I have written in the last few months. Good substantive editorial type of blog posts that I myself were proud to have authored and thought on a basic level were pretty damn good. Not only that, but the few who do read this site thought these scripts were quite fandamntastic as well.

This was a few weeks ago and it still aggravates me that I went back on my own convictions and allowed myself to be ruled by the misperception of another individual. I despise that I compromised my belief on writing out thoughts, feelings, actions and quandaries all for the sake of said person, who in the end really didn't take into consideration the multitude of what I did to alleviate their concerns. The more I think about it, the angrier I feel for succumbing to it.

The thing is, I'm not a malicious person by any means, anyone who has spent five minutes in my presence can attest to that. I also have a hard time lying because in the past it's never worked for me. I live my life by way of right and wrong and what little I know of karma. So for anyone to question my actions, my loyalty as a friend or human decency is quite the slap in the face - especially when what I have spoken about has nothing to do with said person. But being the good-natured gal that I am and also possessing compassion, I took down any and all writings that came close to the topic(s) that were discussed.

I've been thinking about what I did and why I did it and I'm extremely irritated with myself more than I am with this ex-friend. I'm upset because I compromised myself, and for lack of a better description, my art, to appease obviously the wrong person and with each occasion that I think about this, the more I feel wrong for not standing strong to my passion and fervor for the written word DESPITE the topic at hand. I don't need to get into amendment rights and all that hoopla, but now I understand more than ever why journalists, authors, television and radio persona demand their freedom of speech. I think everyone should have their say and if I want to write about shit on a shingle I should be afforded that opportunity without persuasion from any entity.

I understand that some things written and said in this world of media may become offensive, and I comprehend that words can hurt - but that is not the intention of my voice, I'm simply not that calculating an individual to hide and misrepresent anything that befalls this keyboard. My character was questioned and my friendship challenged, and in the end, despite anything, I was the one who was compromised, not them. Any friend who tells me not to write about them, is apparantly not a friend of mine. Moreso and in addition, anything I write is offhand and done by curiosty and notion, not by malevolent enthusiasm. Those closest to my heart know this fact without it being a spoken word.

It will be a conscious decision that I must remind and reprimand myself on a constant basis that there is no more negotiation of my writing. It's not up for discussion and edit at will. My thoughts, feelings and adventures (if you will), are mine and mine alone. Read this as a disclaimer, warning or caveat, I could give a rat's ass, but everyone know this......ask questions, I'll tell no lies, but from this moment on, take it, leave it, go fuck it......that's your decision and your God given right, but don't rain on my parade due to your own insecurities and inner torment that you bestow negatively upon yourself. There is no conspiracy theory here, you are not a target....puhhlease you are not that important.

Thank you and good night......Elvis has left the building.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Nothing is new, yet everything is new.....does that make sense? I've been house sitting and dog sitting for my parents the last few days and all this alone time has me feeling like I need out. I've been feeling this way for awhile now, but it wasn't as apparent as it has been the last few days. I've been helping my parents with money and whatnot, but they'll only keep accepting the help as long as I'm there. I love them dearly, but I think I have to live my life now. I'm stronger than ever, I have a great network of friends and life is completely drama free, a bit mundane at times, but I'll take it compared to what I've been through. I've already begun a small search of what is available in the area and although it might be a struggle, its a chance I have to take.


I've been a little depressed lately finding myself crying at sad moments while watching a movie (never happened before). I don't exactly know why either. I mean I'm lonely at times, but that's not exactly it. I can deal with lonliness, I can deal with no man in my life, but something is missing. Perhaps the moving into an apartment will help me feel less stale and more in charge of my life. I definitely am itching for a change lately. I tend to get restless when my life is in one spot for too long. Does that mean I'll be looking for a new job? Not sure, but ya never know. All I do know is that I'm craving change in a baaaaaad way.


Tomorrow is my traditional excusion with my sister to the Bon Jovi concert at Giant's Stadium. Growing up I was a HUGE Jovi fan (who wasn't) and my very first concert was with my sister so it became tradition rather fast. I'm totally looking forward to getting LOADED with her - what else is new?


And that's about it for now. A little lame, but I had to throw something up. I promise something good will be written soon.