Friday, June 30, 2006


TGIF mo fo's.....I'm away all next week opting last minute to get in on a shore house. Get this, I'm paying $229 for 7 days of fun, sun, boozing and lots of half nekid men. One word: Nice. I need this after the two weeks of immature hell I've been through. I'm looking forward to drinking WAY too much, laughing WAY too hard and hopefully getting in on some summer lovin......WHOOP OH BOY!!! Ooooo think I can meet my Danny Zuko? HEY NOW.

Have a great holiday and I'll totally give you an update of the coming week when I get back. GOOD LORD I can't even begin to imagine what kind of trouble I'm going to get myself into this week.....


This….this is me. Today’s post is about yours truly….I’m letting you in, look at my soft pink underbelly….be gentle, its exposed for a rare moment.

There is such a thing as a mistake, there is such a thing as a misunderstanding and there is such a thing as truly apologizing. These aren’t vast epic myths, they do in fact happen.

Misunderstandings are the lack of communication. I am a communications major, I want to write, I want to produce and create. Telling me I can’t have my say is like telling me I can’t breathe. It’s the most frustrating thing for me if I can’t connect with another individual that I am interacting with. Sure there are stupid ignoramuses that you can’t help, but if you’re my friend, or someone I am dating, if I can’t speak my word, forget it….call me Crank Sinatra. I try, I make attempts, I look at it from every angle and I aim with earnest to get you to see my point. I’ll draw a diagram, I’ll write a letter, I’ll speak until I’m blue in the face, Oh my God, my friend Phil’s wine parties are perfect examples, we’ve almost attacked each other from across the table, but in the end, we concede to realize each other has a valid point. (Loving you Phil).

This is the most important thing to me, being understood and conveying my message so that you say, “Gotchya.” I pride myself on being able to bond with another individual, its gratifying that I know that we talk, that we see eye to eye on all different levels, not just basic fundamentals of hello how are you.

Recently I was misunderstood to the point of tears…literally. I felt like my legs and arms were tied, my mouth taped shut, my breathing felt shallow, a lifeline cut. I can’t help anyone’s perception of me, especially when not given the opportunity to explain further. I don’t like it when people play judge and jury without a trial and evidence. Its happened at work plenty of times, but personally it’s a rare occurrence, thus making it harder to chew. Its exasperating and energy zapping, fortunate for me I have patience and lots of it. I bide my time and I wait….dust settles, tempers go down and then I can speak. I wont’ fight, I refuse to because it gets you no where.

After you’ve been put through the ringer, lied to, cheated on, wounded, dragged through pits of despair, you become jaded and believing the best in someone doesn’t happen ever again. So sad because it becomes second nature to push away rather than accept. Disheartening because the good doesn’t prevail over the wicked processes of the brain, the conscious overcomes the subconscious….negativity dominates the good stuff resulting in loss that wasn’t needed or ever wanted. Why believe the good when its so much easier to believe the bad? Unfortunately that’s what happens….your sentimentality disintegrates thus throwing up that “wall” I keep talking about in previous posts. Its scary because you can throw up a wall against the wrong person because all the other times you’ve thought “this is it” – it didn’t quite pan out, hurt was eminent.


Communication is important, it has to occur. I said the other day, you have to build a good foundation and make sure there is upkeep to maintain a healthy relationship, but if the communication is lacking, then that foundation crumbles like it was infested with termites….it won’t happen right away, but slowly it will rot. Sometimes the damage has been done and that conscious decision to walk away can’t be retracted – is it pride? Could it be hurt? Laziness? Perhaps we didn’t care enough to begin with? Is it a ferocious cycle that we can’t break? I mean we all have our patterns, one can only wonder and most won’t take the time to recognize.

In today’s society its hard enough to find your own little piece of self amongst the mucky muck of civilization. Being able to acknowledge, forgive and forget becomes second to self-gratification because the certainty of being right is that great. Being misunderstood winds up being something you have to swallow despite great efforts to prove otherwise. This time I have to take my own advice, the same advice I gave “George” and my friend Nicole, it blows big monkey pole, but I concede defeat and lay the issue to rest.

So sad because that’s not what I wanted, but then again, we don’t always get what we want in life now do we?

Thursday, June 29, 2006


WARNING: This post contains violence and graphic content. R-Rated

Drama now finds me....I mind my business, I live my life by right and wrong, good and bad. I say please and thank you, I treat people the way I want to be treated, but it is all for naught because drama still seems to find me. However, this time around I put both fingers up and say fuck you, I ain't dealing.

This guy I knew approached me about dating him and I did just that because he was someone I knew, he was funny, polite, had his shit together, he could be a bit of a dick, but I kind of need that in order to keep me in line. He has a busy schedule, I don't get to see or talk to him much. Fine by me, I don't want anyone up my ass - as far as I was concerned, it was a perfect relationship in the making. But then I wrote the post "Mediocre" and I posted it here and on my MySpace blog - little did I know that the mutha f'er was stalking my MySpace website. I'm not shitting you. He not only stalks my site for content, but I think he also stalks those of my friends. Yes if you are my friend and you leave me a comment - he clicks on your profile to see who you are, and what I've commented in return.

Can we say insecure?

Right away he comes down on me for writing the post "mediocre" and "the love letter" stating that mediocre was "all about him" and "the love letter" was just plain disrespectful. I don't even know where to begin explaining this.

First, the mediocre post was not about him. Ok that might be stretching the truth - at first I had reservations about dating him, but I went with it and was rather happy for the first time in a long time. Someone poised the question to me about dating and settling - so I took the idea and ran with it....and to be honest I got a TON of feedback from it, apparently I'm not the only one in this world who feels you shouldn't settle - but whatever. When I re-read that post and put myself in his shoes I understood the misconception and I profusely apologized for it....but he wouldn't hear it and when I say he wouldn't hear it, I mean that literally. He would NOT talk to me via phone or in person - opting to ignore me and play judge and jury with no trial. The only way he would talk to me was via text. What the fuck is that? Ok fine, I gave him space, I played his game of texting and apologized, not once, not twice, but three times on three separate occasions. After a whole week of not talking - he finally sends me a text this past Tuesday.

A text???? You want a relationship with me and your form of communication is texting? Fuck that shit. I gave up on Sunday, this ain't flying with all. I tried, you snubbed it, I'd have to be a complete moron to continue're shit wasn't that fly bro.

He most likely contacted me because Tuesday morning I changed my status from "in a relationship" on myspace to "single" - it was a whole week of not hearing from him, what was I supposed to do? Sit and wait for him? Rot away for someone who doesn't have the decency to contact me and listen to me? If I stayed with him, would this have been a trend for things to come? It was a simple misunderstanding, I can't imagine what a real fight with real emotions and problems would be like. Thanks, but no thanks. If I've learned anything from Ted its that I will not wait for anyone. I apologized for a foul up, he didn't take it, I'm not putting my life on hold - shit or get off the pot buddy.

Since he is a stalker of sorts, he sees my status change and TEXTS ME about it (TEXTING IS THE DEVIL!!!). I'm not dealing with that bullshit - no way. And the best part - I'm the villian. I'm the bad guy - yet I've never been able to plead my case, we haven't uttered ONE word to each other, yet I'm the one whose fault this all is. He's pissed because I gave up - uh hello MCFLY!!! Last time you were in contact with me was Saturday night and you're pissed at me? Hell to the NO!!!

Delusional? Definitely. Insecure? Totally. Manipulative? Completely.

I am sooooo glad that I know when its time to walk away. I am so glad I didn't sit on my fat Italian ass waiting for him and I'm happy I didn't invest so much in him. I'm proud of myself because a year ago I would've been a ball of stress worrying about pleasing him. I'd be sitting here complaining to you, my readers, about how unfair life is and why can't I catch a break. BUT NO MORE - no mas - Mer doesn't deal with this shit anymore. I've been saying it for awhile now and this is proof positive that I've changed. One word: awesome.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Time to Throw in the Towel

When is it time to throw in the towel? When is it time to say enough is enough? Reading your gut is always a good idea, I mean your first instinct is usually the right choice, but still there comes a time when its shit or get off the pot. There is only so much apologizing, so much fighting and so much stubbornness one can take before you have to say to yourself its time to walk away.

The only way to continue and move on is to know that you put in a good effort, that you fought the battle but lost the war. Each side is correct in their own right – when it comes to feelings, each party’s view is valid, you can’t help the way you feel, but you can help the outcome. Unfortunately, one or the other will not concede defeat and make the decision that perhaps being allies is easier than butting heads. Seeing it as a fault and not as a mistake can carry it to a high level escalading into a larger grand scheme snowballing to utter disappointment when it all could have been alleviated rather quickly with the simple acceptance of an apology….if the apology was a sincere one.

A good friend of mine from high school, we’ll refer to as Pete, has been trying to reconcile with his girl for the last 9 months. I see her point as to why she would not want to be with him anymore, the break up was his decision and you should live with the decisions you make that sculpt your future, but realizing it was a blunder to let her go, he has tried relentlessly to rectify the situation. Nine months of patiently waiting for her because he loves her that much….however she is scared of being hurt again. I see her position and it’s a sound and valid point she has…..I side with her on that, no doubt. However, he’s shown her no good reason why they shouldn’t get back together. He’s tried to talk, he’s apologized he’s even altered his life style a bit to fit her needs and wants. He’s taken her out, tried to start from scratch again doing it slowly…one step forward….three steps back. They’ve been together on and off, but at some point I have to say to him, I think its time to walk away my friend, she’s not pushing to be with you – read the signs, its time to make a decision that is best for you.

Earlier in life I would have struggled with something like that. I would have begged and pleaded trying to relay the message that love conquers all and rooting for the home team to win. But does love conquer all? Didn’t Patty Smyth and Don Henley say, “Sometimes love just ain’t enough?”

In cases of intense love, the hurt runs deep and an apology isn’t enough….that’s when the damage has been done and its time to accept and move on. It’s the death of a relationship, tragic in its own right, what we learn from it helps with how we will cope. I don’t want Pete to give up, but I don’t want him to be a glutton for punishment either. He has every right to happiness and if that means being alone for a while longer, then so be it. Everything happens for a reason.

I received great advice from this wild source once….my mother. She told me that “love doesn’t’ hurt and it shouldn’t be hard.” I want to elaborate on that, yes it can be trying, but it shouldn’t be hard. The foundation should be easy and it takes constant work, but when you have instances, complicated occurrences such as this, simply go back to basics. Start with what you know of right and wrong. There is no dissecting, there shouldn’t be intricate notions and ideas – its all basics. When there is a sticky situation – and in this case you are the one making the decision – ask yourself – do I profoundly love them? Do I want to be with them? If the answer is yes, its simple – get off your high horse, take the plunge and eff it. Geronimo. Custards last stand man….go for it. At least then you know you’ve tried and you don’t spend the next few months….even years wondering “What if.” God I hate the “what if” factor. Kills me every time – however if you went back to basics, you put your best foot forward, walking away is easier. Pete, you tried and you get mad props for it. Most men would have walked away a long time ago, but you’re efforts at a reconciliation aren’t being met. You’re not a bad person if you walk away. Take pride in the fact that you’ve tried, but do yourself a favor and make the decision instead of waiting for the decision to be made for you.

I’ve been there, I’ve held on so tight my knuckles turned white, but in the end I was still left alone. Tom tried to make amends, but when I finally took that stand I felt better, empowered….I stopped being the victim. I guess when you make that final decision, you have to be fully aware and ready that they won’t come knocking on your door again….don’t let it hurt your ego, let it fuel your decision that it all honesty…..was not meant to be.

Thursday, June 22, 2006


Ever feel so utterly dejected and down that if you think too hard or analyze too much you might actually stop breathing? Ever feel so lost you don't want to face the world; crawling back into bed to sleep away the anxiety, hurt and pain is so much more realistic than facing life. I see people here at work and they smile and make pleasantries and I want to just ONCE punch someone square in the face to get out the frustration and anger. Volunteers? Anyone? I want to make them feel as horrid and wretched as I do.

God its like someone is sitting on my chest right now. I want to run out of here kicking, screaming, arms flailing for the mere fact that I have to get out this tenstion that is building within me. My blood pressure must be sky rocketing right now. I teeter between no motivation and wanting to scream. One minute I feel as if I could cry, the next I want to beat the living piss out of the next person who crosses me. Its awful and I feel defenseless and enraged mixed together in a giant bouncing ball of nerves.

Carrying on is inevitable until this hurdle is passed because I don't know what else to do with myself. I've been painted into a corner with no escape and waiting for the paint to dry is killing me. Its completely and totally destroying my innards to the point of nauseous insanity. I am normally cool and collected - ok fine, I'm a little zainy at times, but usually nothing bothers me. THIS is bothering me. Shit yes.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

A Love Letter

Dear Whipping Boy,

Everyday we sit on the bus to work together, and everyday I undress you, I mean......I uh.......I smile nicely at you. We make normal pleasantries and act very cordial, but please mark my words, given half a chance I would jump on your head six different ways from Tuesday.

I'm not joking.

I'm not exactly sure if it's your manly disposition, your 6'4" stature, your nice lean hard body or the glorious masculine hands that I imagine roaming my body, feeling my voluptuous......

Anywho, I feel that we have a deep connection, so deep that words would never be needed, we can communicate through sign language and grunting......lots of grunting. And when I say "sign language" I quote "Hands touching hands.......reaching out......touching me..........touching you." Poetic I know.

Please though, don't worry that I make more money than you, it's ok because I'll take care of the both of us. Seriously, we don't ever have to leave the house. Or at least you don't......just wait for my room.......every day. I'll provide you with nutrition and clothing (read: Viagra, water and a loin cloth).

Is it hot in here?

Where was I? Oh yes, I know this is shocking to you, it was shocking to me the first time I saw your hands next to me, so close, yet so far away. I couldnt help it, they are big and masculine, a little veiny, but strong. They are tough, brawny, well built manly hands. It doesn't hurt that your rock hard ass could crack a walnut, but I digress. Oh how I swoon and I know that you might be one sandwich short of a picnic basket, but I don't mind, I like 'em a little dim.....hell look at my ex.

This is not the time to be shy - carpe diem my good man. I don't bite (lie), I'll be gentle (another lie). We'll be very happy together (at least I will) for a very long time.......perhaps even a whole week. And if you're not into the commitment thing, that's ok, I think I might get over it........that is after I've sucked the life out of your body and leave your limp carcass lying in the bedroom guzzling Gatorade trying to replace the electrolytes I have drained from you. It happens - hey I'm a woman with needs.

I think I've made my point. I'll see you later at the bus stop where I anxiously await (stalk) your reply. I heart your bod.

Respectfully yours,

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Mediocre Part 2

Wow, the romantics have it. I probably received more feedback on yesterday's post than any other post I've written in the last year and three months. If you didn't already know, I write a bit for two other websites and that post has completely touched a nerve with those who believe firmly in real tangible love. People feel very strongly about this topic and were seriously up in arms at the thought of settling for something less than deserving.

Thank you.

In a way my readers read my little blurbs and automatically feel it is I that I am solely talking about - sometimes yes, mostly no. Ideas do come from my life, but they also come from the lives of my friends, those who are single and/or dating. None of us are married yet (well one is well on her way), but we still face the same obstacles day to day. My core group is small, but my network is large and I feed off them and their situations.

I want to say thank you to those who care enough and are passionate enough to write out your thoughts and feelings or even advise me, Meredith (insert very Italian last name here) that settling is not an option. I know this, and I thank you. I broached the question more out of curiosity because I can think of several people I know personally and through work who have done just that - settled. Of course these people are in their late thirties and early forties and that's a big difference. I wonder what the turnout would be if we pooled those older than this readership to see their take, would it be jaded and cynical, or down right love absorbed like us crazy kids? When its a question of timing and mortality I think youll find the answers might be different.

Come on now, there ARE men out there who want a family by a decent age and there ARE women out there who feel their biological clock is ticking, so in that case, wouldn't you say its fair to settle? I'm not saying that people don't eventually find mutual love and admiration, look at Will and Grace. Yes they are fictional, but at the same time they had that love and understanding even though they were not in love. Are you catching my drift now?

For people like you and me, younger generation, (although that's rapidly changing) this notion might not be feasible. I'm certainly not ready to settle, but I do know people who are because they honestly want to start their lives....their "adult" lives, you know - house, car, family, 2.5 kids......the whole sha-bang. I guess unless you've truly known what its like to be madly in love you really don't know what you're missing. Movies can only depict it so far, but watching it and being part of it are two totally different animals. Whirl wind romances are hard to come by, I myself was fortunate to experience that in my life, therefore I already know I cannot accept anything less, but if you've never known what its like to be smitten to the point of insanity, perhaps living a life that's so commonplace isn't so bad.

Monday, June 05, 2006


Its about time and I know one thing is for sure...I'm ready. I'm finally ready for a relationship. Its been a year now and I know I've dated a few people since, but I've either pushed them away or I haven't chosen wisely to whom I dated, but now, now its different and I know I'm ready. I know I want a relationship and I know I want someone there. The difference between now and then is that I think I'll choose more wisely and I think I'm a bit more perseptive because I know its ok to be alone. I know its ok to do things alone.

All that being said, is it right to date someone that you only have mediocre feelings for? What if this person looks great on paper, but the spark is “eh” – is it fair to continue seeing them? What if you respect this person, you like them, you think the world of them, is it ok to continue?

What if you’ve had nothing but a string of bad relationships, ok, maybe not a string of bad relationships, but more like unlucky ones - ones that didn't work out for one reason or another. What if this time you meet someone and you say to yourself, He/She has their shit together, they are nice looking, good job, good personality, no psycho traits…basically normal….but that innate spark that draws out the “WOO HOO” is missing? They don't make you all tingly inside.

Is it fair to the other person? Let’s put it this way - they are happier than a pig in shit to be with you. Life is good for them because they are looking forward to being with you. They cherish you…they treat you well and want nothing more than to make you happy….their needs are being met and fulfilled. They are none the wiser and go along with the charade….even if they have an inkling of what’s up, they’re not rocking the boat because you’re “it” for them.

Is that fair?

Lets be real here, it isn’t like the movies, there isn’t one special person for you that you are destined to be with. Sure people do find that kind of love and they are the exception to the rule, but that’s like one in 20 billion leaving the rest of us feeling our relationships are less adequate. We look at women who marry sports personas and we think, “Oh she’s just in it for the money” – but what if she has had nothing but bad relationships and she’s trying something different for a change, or perhaps all she's ever met were average Joe's and she's just smart enough to have figured it out, money over lover. Far fetched but its fitting for this scenario so poo on you.

Tough question….very tough. I guess through understanding and caring you could learn to love someone, but is that right? Is there something morally wrong with that? I mean you shouldn't have to learn something like love.

I’m a big advocate for not wasting anyone’s time and I appreciate honesty in these situations whether I am the one being honest, or its the other way around because in the end you don’t want to hurt the other person especially if they are decent human being. In these circumstances honesty is the best policy.

I think each time one of us goes through a break up, we lose a little bit of ourselves. We try to protect ourselves from the pain again, but at the same time we turn away the good eggs. We are waiting for the WOW factor - the WOO HOO that makes us feel funny inside. But what if a good egg steps up to the plate and at first glance there is nothing wrong with them….like I said, on paper they are awesome and you’d be stupid to turn them away, however, its mediocre lukewarm feelings that you have….but on the other hand all you’ve ever dated were psycho’s and retards….shouldn’t you give him/her a fair shot? Try something different?

Some of us want to be challenged, some of us like the hunt, some of us want to be pursued and I’m finding now more than ever that when it’s served up on a silver platter its always going to be “eh.” Tell me this hasn’t happened to you and I retort bullshit. Its been done to me and I sure as hell have done it countless times, but at least now I recognize it before the damage is truly done.

So I ask, is it the lack of challenge or is it the lack of WOO HOO factor that has us craving more, wanting more, pushing away the average Jane/Joe's?