Cross Your Fingers

Right now, I don't have too much going on....oh yeh sure I'm talking to about 6 different guys, but they are slowly dropping off and I've narrowed the margin down to about 4.

All I'll say about one dude is this....cross your fingers for Mer. Seriously, cross them now and say a little prayer because he could make Mer VERY happy. And cross your fingers for him......and we'll leave it at that.

As for the other men....tell me what you would have done in this situation.

When I first joined MySpace, I received an email from a nice looking gentleman. The email was nothing special, but not a stupid email either. So I responded and we've emailed constantly for about 2 weeks now. I finally gave up the digits thinking he would call.....he didn't. Instead I kept getting emails saying that he "hopes I was doing ok, blah blah blah, sorry I haven't called yet, but I promise I will. yadda yadda yadda." Basically the same thing each time. YAWN!

Finally after two weeks of this crap I email him and very politely say "I know you haven't called and I'm beginning to wonder if you really are just that busy or if you aren't that interested in me all that much....either way, its all good."

Yesterday my phone rang and it was him. Nice enough guy, but now he's already started off on a bad foot with me and he's not....well, how do I put this.....he's not the brightest bananna in the bunch. So I agreed to do coffee today after work.....but now I don't want to go. I'm kind of caught in a dilemma here - I certainly don't want to put all my eggs in one basket with the guy I really like, but I'm not exactly "feeling" this guy that I'm seeing today....thus only coffee. Is that lame or what? I would cancel, but I think I need to keep myself out there.....we'll see. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

Tomorrow night though I do have plans to meet another guy that I'm interested in. Although (Sorry for lack of better words), he's a runner up to the guy I'm interested in, I think that I'll have fun and he'll be worth my time. We've emailed and talked now for two and half weeks, but schedules didn't permit me to meet him yet. It happens. At first I was really excited to meet him, but my excitment has dwindled somewhat.

At first I felt bad about talking to more than one guy, but let's be honest, I'm so sure they are talking to other girls and its not like I have a "relationship" with any ONE of them....this is ok right? I mean, I'm not betraying anyone right? I'm certainly not having "relations" with any of them, just meeting each one at some interval in time. And at what point do I stop putting myself out there - like how does this all work, when will I know I'm "exclusive" with one guy? Is it like High School and the guy asks you to be his girlfriend? I doubt it because that sounds gay as hell. Do I bite the bullet and ask the question when I feel that we have come to that point? I don't want to play games, but apparently there are all these rules....and I also don't want to smother, I want to be somewhat of a challenge.

I simply just don't know. Yo no se nada.

You see, I've never dated. Each guy that I have ever had a relationship with I have known prior to dating them. Each guy was my friend first and then we moved over to the boyfriend/girlfriend realm. This is all very new to me so I'm looking for whatever advice anyone is willing to share.

Matt gave me some "dating" tips and rules, but I don't know how much they apply to the one fella. OH GOD keep your fingers crossed for me! Its all confusing and it has me second guessing everything I do....although this guy, it seemed like I could be my goofy self. SHUT UP MER!!!!

I want to desperately tell you more about the good guy, but I'm afraid to jinx it.....WOW, that must tell you how much I like him.

So for now I guess I'll do what I'm doing - running to my friends for advice (love you Matt L.) and Trixie and Samantha and B.

WHICH - OMG - I just found out some somewhat shocking news. Apparently....B has feelings for me. I don't know how much I believe that and I'm going to investigate this further, but its a shocker to me nonetheless. Perhaps tomorrow's post will be about that.

Sigh.

I need a drink.

Turkey Lovin'

Honestly I just don't know what to write anymore. I will not write about anyone I like - I refuse to because this site has become a jinx for any man I date. It happens.

On another note....how was everyone's turkey day? Mine was just like it is every year, very nice. I got to see my nephew who is by far the most adorable little dude and chill with my family. No drama this year - no boyfriend to monitor booze and fight with. No ex-husband to bicker with about whose family we are going to see and when. Did I ever tell you how superior he thought his family was? Um...yeh - asshole.

Thanksgiving evening though had me meeting my girlfriend's at the 101 Pub for a little after hours partying. I had a great time that night, but what is up with all the itty bitty's trying to kiss me??? I swear, they are so much more bold than guys my own age. For instance. There is this one kid, absolutely friggin adorable. He asks me to sing a song with him in karaoke, so I oblige. We do the song, "Summer Nights" from the soundtrack Grease. Got me so far? We are on stage and he's awful, but that's why I did the song with him because he's so god damn funny - but at the part "We made out under the dock..." - he totally tried to make out with me on stage. It was friggin hysterical. Later that night when I left he started hounding Trixie to find out where I went. Um....problem - I'm like 8 years older than him. Yikes. But he's funny as hell and he's adorbale - no other way to describe him....I'd eat him up and stick him in my pocket if I could. Another example of how funny he is? At one point he came running down the aisle and was lifted into the air by this other kid, Brian, like Jennifer Gray and Patrick Schwazey from Dirty Dancing. I think I almost pee'd a little from laughing so hard. And every time I saw him, he would start hugging me and smooching me on my face.....oooooo to be young again.

Now to Brian...oooooo Brian. He's 22 years old and shortly after "the lift" he told me that sometimes older women need to have a little "young" fun. Ok, his head? - I would jump on it. Why? Because he's hot, and he's got marvelous hands to go with his tight, hard body. He was hugging and smooching me, but the sinker was he kept putting his big wonderful hands on my waste....such a power move for me. Too bad I have morals. Stupid stupid standards.

But H's 21 year old brother takes the cake. He laid a big fat smooch right on my lips...this came from left field, let me tell ya. It was not long, it was not a peck....but it did in fact catch me off guard and it did in fact make me a little.....happy. He's another adorable one - but he's also 21 and he's also H's brother. Aaaahhhh, those damn morals again. Sigh. If only......

I just don't get it. Boys have no problem coming after me. Ok so maybe its their hormones....or maybe they find me that attractive? I don't know....I DO know this and I'm not afraid to say it, I like the attention. Its so nice to have someone hitting one me. Oh sure there is MySpace.com and I really like getting the emails and stuff, but its not the same as face to face interaction. And its nice to have someone my age or older persuing me.

AAaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Dumbass

Perfect example of the shit I'm getting on MySpace.

"hay what's going? I saw your profile and I like.. I know that bridge and where you was standing..LOL.. check out my profile and let me know what you think. any questions let me know and I will tell.. LOL..hope you can concider me a friend.. talk later bye."

Where do I begin to rip this guy apart? Too easy.

Date #2

Had myself Date 2 with Waterboy last night. Yeh, this guy is just a little too much into my booty....I'm not joking....he's fascinated by it to say the least. What is that? I'm not an idiot, I know he's after sex, but why so much effort? He told me last night how much I turn him on and he's crazy for my ass.....who says things like that? I'm not a prude or anything and things get a little hot and heavy, but still! You don't even want to know the other things that he said.

Yes, he's getting the boot. Again, the date itself was very nice and we had a good time. But to tell you the truth, now that I think about it, he talks so much about himself, or maybe not so much about himself, but he doesn't ask me about me. I want the guy I date to be into me and want to know about me. I want a friend and a lover - not just a lover. I guess I should have known what he was going to be like because his emails never really had any substance. But now I'm left with having to tell him that I don't feel it - oh I felt it, don't get me wrong, but I'm not feeling "it" - the relationship. However, he's a great kisser and good god his got a nice body......I'd jump on his head from a distance! AAaahhhhh!!! Nice.

Onward.

There are a three other potentials...well more than three, but I'd say that these three are the ones I'm really into meeting and with the long weekend coming up, I'm hoping to knock out at least two of them....geez, I sound like I'm doing a report or something. Cross your fingers and I'll keep you updated.

One more thing about this MySpace stuff - I'm shaply - I'm not fat, I'm not skinny, I'm average - why are all these hard bodies hitting me up? I'm soft and round - do guys find that attractive? I hate to second guess myself, but I'm just wondering. Like they eat oats and grain and grass and all the bullshit...I eat pretty well, but I like my McDonald's every once in a while. This has me wondering, that's all.

As for the remainder of the weekend, not much to talk about. I was sick so I tried to keep it mellow. I saw a comedian, Bobby Collins, Saturday night and good god that guy is too funny. If you ever get a chance, go see him.

And that's about it folks. If anything interesting pops up, I'll be sure to tell you.

P.S. - I just re-read that post and I have to say....I'm an idiot - its so obvious what this guy is really like.

I'd Say the Date Went Well

You guys want details about last night....I know. And since my personality calls for me to please others, I'm going to give you the details....even the really juicy gossipy details.

We met at a Houlihan's last night at 8:30. At first I was incredibly anxious - not nervous, I don't get nervous, but I was anxious to know how the night would proceed. Would he really look like his photo's? Would he really be as funny as his emails? Did I, myself look anything like my photos? I'm not a skinny bitch, I'm very curvy, is that what he was expecting? Would I disappoint?

No worries were ever needed. He did look yummy like his photos, he was very funny and charming and no, I did not disappoint, if anything, he was a little more into my body than I would have thought, but I'll get to that.

I had orginially planned on leaving the bar early - like 10ish - um....yep....it did NOT happen like that. We had such a fun time that we did not leave until almost 12....I'll get to that in a bit.

So much happened last night, I don't even know where to begin, but I'll try to keep this short and sweet. When we first sat down, my other suitor called me which had me going "Uh oh." But it was ok, I handled it well. We had a few drinks, he ate dinner and then we had a few more drinks. Now I have a booty - make no doubt, I have a round booty so when I got off my bar stool to go to the ladies room, my big round booty kind of swiped his knee....where his hand was resting. He turns to me and says, "Oh excuse me, did I just touch your butt?" And I (having a few drinks) replied, "Yep, no biggy." Know what that got me? A slap on tush. That completely opened the flood gates. After that, my ass got so much action....but hey, I'm not complaining - a girl has needs to.

We did in fact share a kiss at the bar - so cheesy, but the kiss was LOVELY. I mean, very very sensual, not too much lip, not too much tongue - just right. (Is it hot in here?) After the bar, he walked me to my car and then um......yep, we TOTALLY made out - but I'm a good girl and that's all that happened....ok that's a lie, I totally got felt up. (Nice). But that's it....ok that's another lie, my ass got grabbed some more and....um yep, he knows first hand that I don't wear underwear - but that's it. Swear. - Booty and boobie action, that's it. Promise. He didn't meet the Mrs. and I didn't meet Mr. My magic number is low and I'd like to keep it that way.

He'll be away in Pittsburgh this weekend, (he's in the entertainment business - long story), but he wants to see me again upon his return....which is fine by me....he's a good kisser.

BUT DOES THE STORY END THERE? Nope. In the beginning of the night, when we sat down at the bar I knew the guy sitting a few seats over. He is Agnus' cousin. No worries though, he's really cool, but still I didn't want to talk to him because what if Agnus already told him the story about Peter? That would have been awkward - but after the flirty eyes he kept giving me all night, I finally said hello. (Flirty FUCK me eyes more like it). AND he wants me to give him a call. How is it that I can go on a date with one guy, and get hit on by another guy and yet, I NEVER get hit on in bars? I must have looked fucking good last night.....yeh I did.

Anyway, that's my story. Good stuff right? I have a few more dates coming up - god I hope they all don't end up in smooch fests...ok, maybe I do.

P.S. - Matt Lauer, we need to chat.

Date Night

How ironic is that the guy I choose to post a picture of on this site, I have a date with tonight? What is that? I poke fun at him sending a cheesy photo and I get a date? Go figure.

Actually he's a pretty funny dude - the caption under that same photo says, "How's my hair?" - come on, that was good....he gets props. However, my gut tells me that this date won't go any further. Why? Because when we email its a lot of fun, he's very funny and very quick whitted, but when we spoke on the phone, it was a little forced. Conversation didn't flow like I thought it would - and I felt like he was doing something - like putting away clothes or reading mail. Not sure. My other reason that has me on the fence is he was eager to meet me, which in itself is ok, but there was something a little "off" about it. Like he was really eager and I don't like that....it makes me suspicious already.

Am I being completely gay about this? (yes).

I dont know, I'm a little nervous about the whole thing. Its like a blind date of sorts. In a way I want him to cancel to take away the jitters....but then there is that fear of rejection. I hate rejection. It scares me. I think that's why I've always dated someone that I already knew. I already know what they are like without any pretentions - and then when we start dating, all the better. I've got a friend who I'm intimate with. Isn't that what we all ultimately want anyway?

Gosh I hate dating. I cried last night.....it was one of those moments that had me thinking about my past and it made me sad. I know I'm doing ok, I'm doing just fine and I'm happy I'm getting back in the saddle again, but it scares the piss out of me. I've never dated before....watch...I become a pro and start giving advice............Not a bad idea.

Good Grief......

You have NO idea what kind of emails I have been getting on MySpace. I wish I could make this up, but I'm not. I've met a few interesting people, I won't take that away, but good GOD what are people thinking when they send me a picture of them walking out of the water with no shirt on, dripping with water like they are some kind of Playgirl ad. I have to laugh. Look at this - yes very nice to look at, but come on now - please tell me there is more to you than your looks. He's hot, don't get me wrong, but I have been receiving a plethura of these kinds of emails. This particular guy actually has a sense of humor and he wants to meet me. Problem is...he was a little TOO eager to meet me. I let him know that and he's actually cool about it. He's apparently willing to wait. Nice. I'll definitely keep talking to him but I'm sure it will fall off.

But come on now - don't you think this is funny? Does anybody see the humor in this? I can't be alone....

Last night I spoke on the phone with someone who emailed me. Normally I'd pass a guy like him up - we'll call him James. Normally I wouldn't give him a nod, but his initial email was good. Good enough that we emailed for a few days and I felt good enough to give him my phone number and last night we spoke for the first time.....for an hour and a half. Nice. I probably shouldn't write about him because this website is the black kiss of death once I write about a guy. But oh well, we'll see if he's the exception to the rule.

Are there more? Sweet Jesus yes. But I'm not going to bore you with details. This guy seems the most genuine so we'll play that by ear.

I've been thinking about this whole MySpace thing though. Why is it that in person, I NEVER get hit on by the likes of these men, yet they have no problem emailing me? Don't get me wrong, men give me the "look", but its like WTF? Is it my photos? I think my photos are a pretty accurate description of myself. Is it because I'm singled out with a profile? I mean they get to read about me first and then they have the choice to email me. Perhaps that's it. I don't know, not sure. I'll have to ask one of them.

But I'll admit, I'm liking the attention. Its been awhile since I've allowed any men into my life....I know its because of my fear of rejection.....but I'm giving it a shot. I have to put myself out there. At least with this way I can screen them first and then decide whether or not they get the digits.....hey The Cat has been lonely....she needs company.
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Other than that, life has been nice and boring. Not much happened over the weekend, I actually went out with an old friend of mine. She's older, but she's way cool and it was nice to change things up a bit. Sunday I was SUPPOSED to go to the Giants game to tailgate with B and then perhaps scalp tickets, but Trixie left me high and dry. I love that girl, but the second she is with her bo - you are forgotten. I hate that, but don't worry, I don't put energy into her anymore....thank god. I have more to say about her, but I won't be a gossip - I worry about her though. I just worry about her incredible need to be needed by men. Its not healthy and its going to hurt her in the long run. Enough about that though.
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I went to the gym yesterday for the first time since I hurt my foot. BAD idea, I'm paying for it with a throbbing foot. I'm still going to go today, but I'll do the bicycle - BORRRIIINNGGG, at least I'm keeping active right?
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And lastly, I did the cheesiest chick thing I think I have ever done. I bought the book "He's Just Not that Into You." - Yes its cheesy, but its also full of a lot of truths. If you are a broad who has tried to convince yourself that your bo is the right guy, despite the fact that he isn't worth a bag of shit....you need to read this book. Now.

Bag of Ass

It's Friday - so you know what that means right? I'm fucking rocking a hangover like nobody's business. I'll never learn. Idiot.

Please don't lecture me because I dont' think I'd survive right now.

Annnndddd....brain hemorrhage commensing.......NOW!!!

Last night we went out - what else is new, but I said,

"Guys, just know that I'm only going out for a few drinks and I plan on leaving early."

"And I don't really feeling like singing tonight."

I'm such a bad liar.

Three pints of pure alcohol and 4 shots later I was a fucking rock star on a mission to kill myself. But I was smart and started drinking water early so I could get home safely - wow, I used my brain for a change - mark the date. At least I got home around 1 a.m. - not bad for me right? As for the singing, I in fact did not want to sing, but Trixie made me do one song with her - and then people kept bringing me up with them - even the DJ had me sing "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey - damn, I can sure hit those high notes - can't blame him I guess.

Did drunk dials occur? But of course, is my name Meredith?? I think I left about 5 - I apologize now to whoever received one. I get carried away, but know that those dials help a great deal....to make me laugh that is.

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MySpace update - why do so many guys feel it is necessary to send you pictures of themselves with no shirt on? What is that? Do they think I will reciprocate? And too many men coincidentally have no hair on their chests. What the fuck is that anyway?

AND, the stupid emails continue. Fat, ugly dudes send me some of the worst emails ever. If you dont' have the looks, shouldn't you put in a little more effort??? WTF? I'm not shallow enough that I won't give you props if you are intelligent. But come on now - writing in the form of Ebonics just doesn't cut it. Then again if they knew what effort was, they wouldn't be fat, ugly dudes now would they?

And why would an 18 year old want to chill with me? I'm 10 years older - GOOD GRIEF!!!

MySpace = MyIdiot

Guys, I know it is hard to put yourself out there. Trust me, I understand it more than you know. But if you are going to make an attempt to get to know me....try to be a little creative or original. I put a little effort into my profile, the very least you can do is say something even remotely witty. AND what is up with not spelling or capitalizing anything correctly. Idiots. Come on now. You think that writing that "You're cute LOL" is going to make me swoon? Good God, here's a fiver - buy yourself a clue.

Some examples of the poor pathetic excuse to get me interested are:

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you remind me of an angel in heaven;you deserve the very best in life tell your parents they did a faboulas job making you take care write back
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Very nice pictures. And not too far away LOL
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read what you had to write about yourself, interesting. you write well on the fly, at least that's how it sounds. saw your pics too, of course, you're extremely cute.

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hi there , very nice profile and pictures of you, wondering if you care to chat and maybe i was your type at all?

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hi, i would love to chat sometime. i loved your ad.
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GOOD GOD MEN - what is wrong with you. Sure, thanks for liking my ad, but you have hair growing out of your nostrils....you're going to have to come up with something better than, "You say in your profile you'll give anything a chance, give me one too." - fuck off.

A better example would be:

I have to say, you have the most detalied, thought-provoking and meaningful profile on MySpace. I can't believe I had to actually SCROLL DOWN in order to finish reading what you wrote. Haha. Surprisingly/alarmingly, I think that is what sets me apart from the rest right off the bat... the fact that I actually read what you wrote before I replied with some dumbass comment like "wanted to send sum luv. Thanks for the add, hit me back..." When I see these comments, I start to feel like text messaging and IMing is making the world dumber. People don't even know how to spell anymore! I know you are not looking for a quick hook up, which is perfect because I usually take at least a half an hour or so. Haha. JK. Do you live on Prospect Avenue? Just curious. I alomst bought a condo there, but I opted for Ramsey instead. Well, I just wanted to say "hello" and let you know that I would like to talk to you more and get to know more about you (if that is okay with you). Have a good night and I will talk to you soon.
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This guy got a nod from me and I'm happy to say he doesn't seem like a homo....yet.

I'll keep you all posted on the turn of events going on here. Interesting to say the least.

STOP THE INSANITY!!!

Remember that broad? Whatever happened to her anyway? - Probably got fat.

Today that's how I feel. I feel like I need to stop the insanity....and last night I just might have done that.

All this time I've bored you all with my stories of Ted and then he came back and then I made nicey nice and then last week I said I'd break ties with him. Last night that came true and it didn't exactly go as planned.

I had hoped to be able sit and talk to him calmly and tell him my reasons for not wanting to be in his life anymore - odd conversation for two people who are just friends, I know - spare me the lecture. But he said something last night that got me pissed and I gave him an attitude - which led to him giving me an attitude which led to a big fight and him hanging up the phone on me.

Its not how I wanted it to go and I didn't eactly get to say what I wanted to say. Oh sure at least now he's gone - or so we think right? By me not hanging up the phone first, by me not telling him to lose my number....still leaves the possibility of him calling me again. Don't worry, I don't plan on picking up that's for sure. Still, I have this aching feeling that's not the last of him. - Don't get me wrong, if I have anything to do with it, that IS the last of him. I've gone all of these months without drama and that's all that surrounds him.

But last night I had a moment of weakness when I got off the phone with him. I actually cried and felt sad and I can't eactly put my finger on why. Perhaps I did want to remain friends on some level? Or is it because I know that was the closing of the final chapter? I have no idea - and then I did the stupidest thing of all...Trixie was not available to talk to and I'm not exactly speaking to Lauren right now (she's a douche), and Samantha was working - so I called one of my friends that I wouldn't normally call over something like this and left him a tearful message. He must think I'm such a dumbass - sorry bro. Just know that was a complete moment of vulnerability on my behalf and forget that I ever called, I feel stupid enough as it is.

After that I watched some television and was able to regain my composure. Today I don't feel sad, and I'm not down by any means - I'm very melancholy. Yes very melancholy.

On a lighter note, Trixie and I will begin our research this weekend. I'm actually a little excited to start this. OHHHHH and I forgot, I totally joined that "myspace.com" thing and let me just tell you - people are fucking horny or just plain ol' bored. Swear. I'm not sure how long I'll keep this up - my profile had 148 hits in under 24 hours and I think maybe 3 of which were halfway decent. Its so sad how gay some people can actually be.

OMG though, one of Ted's old friends hit me up on this thing - how funny is that? He's a really nice guy and I never really understood why he hung around that crowd, even though he doesn't really hang with them anymore. I just think its funny that out of over a million people he hit me up. Go figure. I'll report back either later or tomorrow to tell you how this whole thing is going - people are friggin nuts - I love it - should give me some good material.

Random Thoughts

Where to begin is the question right now. At first I didn't post yesterday because I didn't have anything substantial to post or at least I had a few ideas, but I didn't know which to go with. Today will be a conglomeration of randomness so hold on.

Boston
Trixie and I headed up to Boston this weekend. As you all know, Trixie and I try to head someplace every 8 weeks or so. Last time I was in Boston I had a blast and I loved the city so much that it was decided that I had to go back. The fact that I actually have a friend(s) there only put a cherry on top. To anyone and everyone I met this weekend in Boston, I want to extend a special thank you because you not only made me feel welcome in your hometown, but I had a great time.

I won't get into the whole trip because it was like most trips - we did the tourist thing, we ate and we got drunk.

Research
I am not a bad looking broad, however, I do not get picked up by men as much as you would think. At first this bothered me - it had me second guessing myself and how I look and acted. But then I realized it was when a man spoke to me, when he actually took 5 minutes to have a conversation with me that he was interested in me. I realized that my mother was right, I can speak on a multitude of topics, yet men were not hitting on me from straight across a crowded room. Oh sure, I got the looks, but why wasn't I approached? This weekend I realized why and I brought this up to Trixie.

When I'm in a bar, my shyness to meet other men overwhelms me. Not in the sense that I piss myself or anything, its that I never hold eye contact. Not only that, but even if we play flirty eyes, I look away a lot - giving off the persona that I think my shit doesn't stink. Its not that I make a face like a stick is up my ass, its the fact that I don't hold the contact long enough to let him know I'm interested. Its the Jersey stare - the "don't look at me you pervert stare." - and I had NO IDEA that I did it. I observed myself and Trixie this weekend from an objective point of view and now I understand it.

See when we were in Boston our first night we went to a house party, great time by the way. There were at least four guys who hit on me (one of which got the address to this blog so cross your fingers for me) and it was all so easy. Then the next night at the bar....nada. I took a look at the way we were standing, the looks we were giving and it all made sense.

Saturday night, a nice looking guy at the bar bumped me from behind when ordering a drink....perfect lead way for me, yet I just looked away and did my own thing hoping against hope he'd talk to me. Evidently that hoping was all for nothing - because I was waiting for him and we all know that when you wait for a man to take a hint, you're going to be waiting a long time. I wanted to talk to him, but I'm a fucking STOOGE and I didn't. I didn't take the initiative for fear of rejection. Ass. If I had made a joke about it or done the same exact thing I do on a regular basis whenever I'm NOT in a bar, I would have been fine and I'm most positive that the night would have progressed differently.

On our drive home I spoke to Trixie about my observations and she agreed. To make a long story short I'm going to do some research on this. I'm going to start keeping a log of what works and what doesn't work. I'll try to do this objectively and then at the end I'll compile my notes. Who knows what I'll find......I'm smelling a book deal.

Change
I know I rant and rave about meeting men and not meeting men. One day I want to meet the love of my life, the next I couldn't be bothered with men. But I've come to realize that for many many years I relied on a man to make me feel complete and its a hard habit to get out of. My father was my idol growing up and I looked up to him so much and somehow and in some way I'm always looking for validation from a man to get that same feeling of acceptance.

I'm here to say that I don't need a man's acceptance anymore. My father to this day is proud of me and loves me for the way I am. From this I should understand that its me to love and not what I do.

Slowly but surely its all coming together. I complain and complain and I don't do anything about it. But in the last few weeks I have. I joined a company that sends me updates for open casting calls, I've started reading the paper for second jobs and even called a few places. Although I hurt my foot, I'm still eating better and I'm trying to excercise on regular basis. Things are unfolding slowly, but its still better than where I was 6 months ago.

Online Dating
I've never ever done something like that. But I was invited by a friend to join MySpace.com. At first I blew it off and then I saw that Jason Mulgrew did it as well and it was like a sign. So I joined just to see what it was all about. Not really sure what to make of it just yet, but I'm going to give it a shot to meet new people. Not just men, but people in general who hold the same interests as myself. I need to surround myself with people who can fuel my mind and surround me with nothing but good stuff.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't check out the men on this thing and if I get the balls I might even email one or two. We'll see. I'm actually asking all of you what you think.

My Foot Hurts But it Won't Stop Me

Something is wrong with my foot and I don't know what the hell is going on. It figures because its been a few months since I've had stiches, a cast, sprained something, broke something or invariably found myself in the ER for some kind of ailment. I was due.

Saturday night I left the bar (prior to having even one sip of my drink) to run to the ATM across the street. On my return I must of stepped on a rock or a twig and twisted my ankle. It hurt at first, but I blew it off....liquor was awaiting me inside. My foot did not bother me that night and I really don't have a recollection of it bothering me on Sunday either - not this pain at least. But I was at Great Adventure all day and both my feet were sore so I let it be.

But over the past few days the pain has increased somewhat to the point that I'm uncomfortable. Here's the thing though, I have an EXTREMELY high tolerance for pain. Probably because I've torn and broken so many things in my life that now when I get hurt, its like "whatever."

I'm not just saying this either. I have a back issue and I had to go for neuorological testing. I told the doc that I had a high tolerance for pain and he proved my theory correct when he kept uping the voltage on the shocks. It happens.

Anyway, if my foot is still bothering me 4 days later, something must be wrong right? My foot is very slightly swollen and it has minor, VERY minor discoloration. Yet the pain would lead me to believe that there is something seriously wrong. So what gives? I guess I should have it looked at, but I'll wait until after the weekend since I won't be around here, I'll be in Boston and the liquor will numb the pain until I get back. Sweet.

This weekend is going to be a shit fest of epic proportions and tonight starts the festivities. Nice. Trixie and I are headed to our normal watering hole tonight to get our drink on. Then tomorrow (pending on whether or not we have off), we'll wake up, grab H and head to Boston for the weekend.

Boston, oh how I love thee. I'm seriously looking forward to it. I have no set plans iwth the exception of a party Friday night with a load of people I don't know. Nice. Other than that, the world is my oyster and what happens this weekend happens. I have no expectations for what Trixie and I will be up to the remainder of the weekend, which is how I prefer it....then I'm not disappointed. Ooooooo, maybe I'll meet a cute boy....now wouldn't that be loverly??

I'm NOT looking forward to the drive to Boston with H though. I want to punch him in his round head, but whatever. Hopefully I'll be rocking a hangover and I'll sleep all the way there. Perhaps I'll confront him about the stick that's up his ass and find out what the hell is wrong with this kid. Fuck him right? Asshole. - thank god he's staying with other friends and we won't be seeing him. Don't get me wrong. I like the kid, he's a nice enough piece of garbage, and if you were to meet him, you'd like him. I just don't get him.

Yes I'm cranky right now. I haven't had coffee and my foot is fucking killing me. It happens.

Oh and if you're wondering what happened with Ted, nothing. I didn't feel like talking to him, so I didn't. Oh well, 'dem is the brakes.

I'm hungry.

Recap/Goodbye's/and Hello There Marcus....

RECAP:
We all know I had an exboyfriend. We all know that he was a really good friend but a lousey boyfriend due to his drug and alcohol abuse. We all know that it took me a long time to get over him, but I did. Then he shows up in my life again. This time he's my friend. We'll see each other at some point on the weekends to chill out and we'll talk during the week - nothing major, all very simple. He wants a relationship with me, I don't want one with him. Got it?

But lately when I talk to him on the phone, I want to strangle him. I want to punch him so hard in the head and demolish him. Just fucking END HIM. - Spare me people - I hear you all saying "GO FOR IT!" or "DUH MER!!! TOLD YOU SO!!!!" - fuck you. I did what I had to do.

We all have things in life we have to do. This was one of them. On my own, I figured it out. I'm finally seeing that not much has changed. Oh yeh sure he's not doing the coke, the pills and drinking 12-24 beers on a Tuesday nigth, but he still smokes pot and he'll still have a few beers. Not what it used to be, but its still present and that's what bothers me. That and things come out slowly and I feel like I still don't have the whole picture. Its like I know I'll never trust him.

I plan on discussing this with him and telling him I no longer want him in my life. There is no us and we really don't have anything in common. He was hoping to prove to me how much he's changed, but in small doses I'm seeing that I really don't care for him or his existence. In a perfect world I would have liked to be back with him in a couple capacity - we really do have a nice friendship, but our priorities are way different - like I have them. He'll never learn and that's sad. Sad because its a waste of life.

All of you wanted me to stay far far away from him, but I missed him. The "what if" factor came into play and I ran with it. I ran with caution, don't get me wrong, but I'm so happy I ran with it. You know why? Because after this, I can close that chapter once and for all. I can make peace with myself and my emotions and lay it all to rest. Some of us go our ENTIRE lives thinking about the what if factor, but I won't anymore.

Sure I could very well turn around and never call him again. But he deserves a reason. He deserves to know why he is losing me a second time, even if it is just as a friend. I simply cannot stand to watch him walk the fine line between sobriety and being an abuser of anything. That line is so fine and delicate that having this talk with him has me believing I'll push him over the edge. Hopefully he's as strong as he keeps telling me he is. Either way, I need more time away from him.

*******************************

On a lighter note, Marcus is barking up my tree again. I think ever since he decided that things were "moving too fast" - (yank the crank - I mean paaalease, we had what, two dates?) - he's regretted that choice ever since. I think he got freaked because we had such an intense connection - (and when I say connection I mean I had paint all over me from rolling around in his studio- nice) that it scared him. The second time we hung out, I got a little freaked at how easy it was to slide right into relationship mode - i.e. holding hands and stuff. It was friggin weird. But anyway, I won't get into logistics about the whole scenario, but I'll say that after time, he's come to show me he's regretted it. Good.

SUCK IT MO FO!!!!!

I see him in my building and around campus a few times a week. He always tells me I'm beautiful or how good I look or some derivative of that. Every time he says something I say thank you and move onward. I let it all go because I'm a hot commodity around here, I certainly DO NOT need to be pining for the likes of him when there are so many other fish in the sea. Know what I'm sayin'?

Yet, I'm still drawn to him. Go figure.

Marcus is a quiet, good looking guy with such intense passion, that when he looks at me a certain way, I get weak in the knees. No joke. What draws me to him is this said passion. Not sure if I've said this before, but perfect matches for me are Gemini's and Libra's and he's a full fledge Libra. WHOOP OH BOY!!!! LOOK OUT!

The other day I drive past him as he's crossing the street (I'm looking hot too, I got my hair down, sunglasses on and I'm cruising in Lola - what could be hotter?????) and I give him a little seductive "hello" wave (head to the side, cute smile, little wave) and I continue on. Two seconds later I get the text "you're hot" - my response? "and I'm fun too..."

Let him swim in that and fester over what he could have had. HA!!!!

So this weekend we spoke about chilling for Halloween, but I never left the first bar to meet up with him. Today, I see him on the elevator and he asks me what happened. We get to chatting and I'm getting the vibe from him. The intense "I want you right now" vibe.

Good GOD I need ass.....

Where was I? Oh right, so I'm thinking, there can't be any harm in hanging with him again. Could there?

Perhaps I'll just keep him on the back burner. If anything I would seriously like to chill with him again because he's just about the only other person I know who is cultured in the same things as I am. If a relationship were to develop, all the better because he's a great kisser. Did I just say that?........Nope, not doing it. Can't. Past is the past. I'm moving onward remember?

Uncle Danny is In the Closet

My family is small. Like super small. All except one grandparent is deceased. I have two great aunts, one of which is 89 and the other, I have no idea how old she is because she's in Italy. I do have family in Italy, but we do not know them, we just know they exist...in a villa just outside of Bari. We have contact with them through my father's cousin who lives in Paris, a native of Monaco, but that's it.

My father has two siblings, one of which we refer to as Voldemort, just because we don't talk to or about her anymore. We DO NOT mention her name, we say "Thou Who Shall Not be Named." Long story short, she's a nasty bitter woman who alienates people. No big deal. My family is fun loving and good natured, we have no use for people of her like and she is on the outs with just about everyone. Again, no big deal. However, we do talk to her son, God I love my cousin Michael, he's awesome, but he lives in Florida (he too has issues with his own mother). Then my father's other sister has two daughters, both grown. This is the closest family we have and we don't see them but every few years on occasion.

My mother's family is even smaller. Again, her aunt is 89 and her cousin is in her 60's. We see them the most, but again, that's like once a year. My grandmother, my only living grandparent, lives a few towns over and I see her quite often. I love my Nanny. - As for siblings, my mother did have a brother. Uncle Danny.

My Uncle Danny grew up during a very hard time in history. He was an impressionable young man in the 60's and 70's giving himself up to the "make love not war" revolution. My mother was opposite, she was like me, a good girl with a good head on her shoulders, not hating anyone. She just lived her life and kept her nose clean. Uncle Danny however, got into drugs and the hippie life.

I really don't know too much about my mother's side of the family. I know that her father was in the mafia and I know that watching The Godfather is a home movie for her, but its not often she speaks of this life. Its not often she speaks of this life at all. She has told me that she remembers as a child about a time sitting in the kitchen with her grandmother counting piles, yes, PILES of money because her dad and his crew robbed a bank. She also remembers the time his new car (they had a new car every single year) was given a parking ticket for parking in front of a fire hydrine. Her father marched into the police station and said, "IS THIS WHAT I PAY YOU FOR!" - or how growing up there was an entire wardrobe in her parents bedroom dedicated solely to machine guns, regular guns and stuff of the like.

No need to get into more stories, but I tell you this because growing up with a perfect sister and a mafioso father must have been hard and in a way I guess he found his escape through drugs.

I don't know much about my Uncle Danny and I only have one real memory of him growing up. I remember I was really excited to see him because I had heard all about him and I couldn't wait to see him. I couldn't wait to see another adult that I could charm and love. But when I did finally see him, he had long hippy hair and he was really sweaty and nervous. At 3 it scared the bajesus out of me. (side note: I have memories as far back as 2 years old - I'm weird).

Well after that I didn't see him ever again. I'm not exactly sure why, but I have a feeling it was because my mother was not as liberal as she is now. He continued to have problems, health problems....I think and I also think he had money problems. My mother was very hush hush around me and my sister so these are all things that we've pieced together. I wondered about him from time to time and I wondered if I'd ever see him again. But then he got really really sick and died. My mother wouldn't answer our questions and now my sister and I understand why.

It was the early 80's, he was gay and he had AIDS. He traveled "that" path and it was a way that was forwned upon. I remember hearing her and my grandmother discussing him and his issues, but nothing stands out because I was too young to understand.

Nowadays my mother is much more informed, she's more liberal and I'm sure if I asked her about this she would talk freely about it. But why do that to her? Her memories of him are of when he was her kid brother, a handsome young boy who would follow her around on dates with my father.

Fast forward to when I'm about 21 and my grandfather dies (not the mafioso grandfather, he died when my mom was in her teens - my grandmother remarried when I was born). My Grampy died and we had him creamated. I walk into the kitchen one day on a conversation my mother is having with her best friend about having Grampy's ashes placed with Uncle Danny's ashes. My grandmother was going to purchase a vault at the cemetary and put them in there together.

"Hey mom? By the way, where are Uncle Danny's Ashes?"
"In the closet."
"IN THE CLOSET! WHICH CLOSET?????"
"In the closet in your father's office."
"Let me get this straight. My gay uncle's ashes are in the closet?"
"Yep."
"Seems kinda redundant no?"

We all had a good laugh over that one and it felt good to discuss it without it being avoided. I brought this up to my mother before - about how I don't know much about her life, and she was really surprised to hear that come from me. She doesn't realize how secretive her entire life is to me, she doesn't see how little she has spoken about growing up the way she did. My father on the otherhand, well I know just about everything with him. But mom is still a mystery. She doesn't keep pictures up of her dad and her brother, I actually wouldn't know what either of them looked like in a mound of pictures.

Its sad because both of my parents celebrate tradition and love the little things we do year to year. Like tacos on Halloween, its just tradition. Or homemade cinnebons on Christmas morning - or cutting down our Christmas tree the first weekend in December. These are staples in our lives, yet our heritage is almost non-existent. Our family name is on the memorial at Ellis Island, but I don't know much about the family who came through. Not sure why I find it so important, but then again I'm a very nostalgic person.

This year I plan on writing down these memories. I want to ask questions about our family and I want to know more. They know it all, they know our family's past - they know that Grandpa John (my father's dad) was almost sent back to Italy when his sponsor did not show up at Ellis Island (Cousin Yaya). I want to preserve all of this and pass it on to my nephew - because god only knows if I'll ever have kids. Its important to know where you came from, it helps you find your -----self. I need that. Its part of my journey in Finding Mer.