Thursday, September 29, 2005
These are all the thoughts running through my head regarding Ted.
I love the way he talks to me. He says things that I never thought he was capable of saying. He wants nothing more than to make me happy. Everything he says, whether on the phone, in person or even in a text message all sounds so sincere. I think he really believes he has changed and that he can be the person he always knew he could be. He has promised to me that he will never allow himself to be that person again - he can't - whether or not I'm in his life, he can't be that person ever again. Yesterday: "I love you too much to fuck up like that again."
Four and half months of alone time to think about what he's said and done - 4 1/2 months without me, 4 1/2 months getting stronger and better.
I see it, I really do....BUT
I believe he's put in good effort. I believe that he loves me more than anything on this earth. I believe that he wants a better life because in 4 1/2 months he's done nothing but try to have a better life. No fuck ups for 4 1/2 months. Not one. Each decision he makes is only in his best interest. I believe all of that.
But I don't believe it 100%. I want to, trust me I do. I want to believe that he could be the man of my dreams. He might want me to forgive and forget about the last 6 months we were together, but here's the thing. I can forgive, but I'll never forget. If he expects me to forget the way I felt during all of that, I can't and I won't. Those memories and that pain are what keep me smart and are the exact reason why he is not in my life in that capacity already. It was him who said nasty things, it was him who didn't care about me crying - it was him who ultimately made it easy to walk away.
All of it, the anger and the hurt are true warriors to protect me from ever becoming that stupid again. Part of me wants to see where this all goes, but the warrior is standing behind me, ready to strike. Ready to pull my ass out of danger the second things get even remotely fucked up.
He doesn't understand that I've had a taste of what it would be like to be without anyone. I'm ok with never finding Mr. Right. I'm ok with not getting married - hell that's what I prefer anyway and KIDS? Well, they're cool and all, but I don't need to have them. I must be weird because I don't feel the biological clock ticking like a bomb thus leaving me the comfort of not rushing into anything I don't think is right.
But talking to him, seeing him...it does feel right - in the sense that its calming. We click - I know....you get it. You've heard it all.....what doesn't feel right is the fact that because of what happened, no one likes him. Well they like him, but they are wary of him and it leaves me feeling unsettled. My family and friends are important and so are their opinions. I could certainly do the Romeo & Juliet thing and ignore everyone and be with my loved one, but see...they ended up dead. So. Not. Cool.
My mother: "I understand how you two got along and the connection you had, but you are so well rounded. You can walk into a room and pick up on any conversation - you can talk about anything and be around anyone - opera, sports, the arts, everything. What I don't understand is how you two got along when he isn't that capable."
She's right. I need someone who challenges me mentally (and physically wink wink). And I NEVER thought I'd EVER say this, but it is in fact hard to meet a decent guy. Low lifes are a dime a dozen, you hear them hooting and whistling enough times and you become immune. I'm talking, nice looking, good job, funny, athletic men. They don't exist. Or at least they do and they are taken.
Right now I'm used to no male companionship. I'll continue to talk/see Ted because if he has in fact changed, then I need to look no further - but I'm not convinced he's made of the tough enough stuff to really over come those demons. He's done it before, but look, he reverted. Perhaps I am motivation enough, perhaps not. Doesn't matter because its all about reading my gut. Right now, its wary and cautious.
One more thing, sissy, my sissy, wants to me to crash her husbands Christmas party this year and go with her. There is a potential she has spoken to me about - so let's hope he doesn't bring a date. I don't know why, but I have a good feeling about him....its just a matter of being at the right place at the right time. Then I'll meet him, he'll fall madly in love with my vixen like charms and I'll make him mine. Oh yes, he will be mine...........
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Woke up this morning, looked at the clock...briefly. Screamed, shot out of bed and ran into the shower. Shit I overslept by 20 minutes. GOD DAMN IT!!!!
Washed my hair, my body, jumped out, towel dried, combed hair, did make up, brushed teeth, blow dried hair, got dressed, grabbed my shit and ran downstairs.
Dad: "You ok?" looks at his watch.
Me: (exasberated look of disgust) "YES! FINE! I'm running twenty minutes late!!!"
Dad: "Um ok, but its only 10 after 5."
Me: (Stopped everything, gave him a blank stare and said) "What? You're kidding."
Dad: "Nope, its only 5:10."
Me: "I'm going back to bed."
That's right. I thought it was 5:40 a.m., when really it was only 4:40 a.m. Guess that's what happens when you get so majorly fucked up the night before.
So yes, I am an idiot. A moron. A complete and total fuck up. I've been doing that a lot lately. I've been blowing off minor details - like actually comprehending time.....I fucked up reading a digital clock.
I also would like to take this opportunity to say I'm sorry to two people. Rich (hung out with him last night and watched the game, thus the debauchery that caused my brain to freeze, hemorrhage and ultimately stop working - and I say sorry because I kept stopping conversation [which was hard enough as is when fucked up] to text message someone else.) The other sorry is to Matty Mac, because I have NO idea what I said last night via text messaging (he was on the receiving end of said text messages that interrupted Rich). I tried in vain to re-read the messages from last night and I don't think I comprehend the conversation very well. I'll make it up to you Matty. Don't you worry your pretty little head.
Right now, I'm coming off my morning high (being up so early) and crashing like a mother fucker. Dear LORD I NEED CAFFEINE!!!! But watching the sun rise over the city is nice.....FUCK THAT - I'd still take the hour sleep I lost.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Jesus, when I was little I would walk around the house stating to anyone who would listen, "I'm Bored." They'd run their ideas and I'd shoot them down. one. by. one. I was awful. Seriously, I was the terror child - just short of being the Antichrist. I was a winge and I made everyone else miserable if I could. I was always cranky and if I didn't get my way - good lord look out. But I was also a lot of fun....some things I guess don't change. HA!
I'm still bored. I got nothing for you people today. Nada. I can talk about the stupid people who wonder this earth and fuck it up for all of us with half a clue, but that might get you all heated and worked up and that wouldn't be good. Especially if you had one of those nasty mornings that have left you already ready to kill a moron. Like the stupid son of bitch who looked at me twice this morning as I called out "HOLD THE ELEVATOR" - jerkoff, I should have kicked his little bony ass - but I didn't.
Let's see.....ummmmm, well my boss is out this week. You know what that means right? I'm so bored I want to shoot myself in the head. It also means I have basically nothing to do for the next few days. I know some of you are like, "BONUS!" - nope. Not here, when I'm bored I start doing things I shouldn't. I think of ways to get myself in trouble. Like bringing movies in and watching them on my laptop. Or how about walking around talking to people all over this place. 7,500 employees - that can keep me busy for a little while.
I used to do that a lot. Just get up and walk around, talk to whoever. Well. I'm no so under the radar as I thought I was. I'm one of those people who sticks out - because I say hello to EVERYONE. Doesn't matter what class or type of person you are, you always get a hello from me. I'm nice. Sue me. But that means that after awhile, people always want to talk and they stop me and blah blah blah - "Shit, I've been gone for 40 minutes now!!!" - it happens.
I'd go visit B because I haven't seen him in awhile, but its only day two after being out a few days so that means he's swamped and he won't have time for me. Bugger. Trixie is busy as well and Kelly doesn't come in for another few hours. Shit. I can't download music because this place sucks big monkey dick and they make it so you can't download ANYTHING. There are only so many websites I can friggin read before they all get boring. I should have taken a day off sometime this week. Perhaps I shall. Hhhhmmm, Friday? Yes, I'll take Friday off. Maybe.
I want a bag of chips.
Shoot me. Just shoot me. I'm bored out of my skull. I spent the better half of this morning reviewing my bills (because I was bored, so let's add to the depression and look at finances shall we?) - and uh yeh, I need a second job. I can handle what I have, no problem - but I want to move out eventually and a sweet deal has potentially presented itself. In order for me to move out, I'd have to get a second job for a few months to help pay down some stuff and make sure I can make it. Damn. I hate being a grown up.
Anywho, that's my scoop right now. I know you all were tuning in to hear a Ted update but I don't have one. I told you....its going to go slow, its going to be at my pace. And why ruffle anyone's feathers talking about it when there really isn't anything to talk about? Its all good in Mer's hood.
If anyone else is bored, hit me up via email.
I still want those chips........
Monday, September 26, 2005
I'm feeling the love.
I want to explain myself just a little bit and then I'm going to try and attempt to close the subject. When I write on this website, I write "in the moment" - nothing is ever really mapped out, it flows out of me. What I went through in the beginning of this website was INSANO. It was ridiculous and I will NEVER go through anything remotely like that again. I can't. Nope. Not doing it. - what I'm trying to say is, yes, things were bad, but I never wrote about the good because it was the end of the relationship - your perspective is of course biased through my opinion. Kenny and I broke up/stopped dating because he read WAY too much into everything on this site and my other site and oh yeh, he did something he was told not to do, but that's neither here nor there.
Ted was someone I connected and bonded with. I think you all got that. Talking to him the last couple of days has been nice. I won't lie because I'm an awful liar and eventually I would screw up anyway with my stories. I spoke to him, and I even went as far as to see him over the weekend. It was....interesting to say the least. The friendship we had, was there - VERY strong and like home - same for the chemistry - I'm not going to lie. BUT - the smarts I lacked before were ever present and kept me at arms length. Thank GOD.
If anything comes of this new quasi-relationship - it will be two things - closure - and me regaining some of my finances that trickled through him. He has approached ME about repaying me back money and right now, I need it. Due to funds, this was an extremely boring weekend. Extremely boring, I mean I don't have anything worth mentioning here.
Anyway, I'm getting off point - I'm good. I want everyone to know my life is different and I'm different. I recognize faster, I'm more independent and I don't want to be with someone right now. I won't fall into any traps - how can I with friends like you guys? Seriously. If I wasn't already throwing up caution flags, I have about 20 of you doing it for me. Thank you so much.
I WILL be careful - I AM being careful. It was good to see him. It helped. AND if there is a reason to walk away from him and this....whatever it is between us...it will be easy. Easy breezy. You have no idea how easy it will be.
Friday, September 23, 2005
He's said some of the most beautiful and wonderful things - things he's never been able to say before - he now says with ease and I'm not talking "I Love you" - I'm talking some seriously deep shit here. He has said these things with confidence and vigor - something he's always lacked. He said, "I'm not out to prove anything to you....because I should already be doing all of these things. But I want you to see first hand how different I am and how different my life is."
We've talked at great length - I mean GREAT length - about what went wrong with the relationship - the problems, the situations, why they happened and he said it, "Meredith none of it was your fault. It was all me. I was a scumbag and I was selfish, none of it was you. You were always trying to help." - we have always been able to talk, but that's just it, it was always talk, this time he it seems like he can back it up.
He has said things that have brought me to tears and like always, he was there to pick me up - tell me to keep my chin up. The person I have spoken to on the phone is the EXACT man I was hoping he would always be - the person I waited around 2 years for is making an appearance and it seems like he's here to stay. He's ready to be a man not an asshole.
I'm EXTREMELY skeptical. Trust me I am. SHIT, you HAVE NO IDEA how skeptical I am. Take your skeptism and multiply by a babillion. I've made it VERY clear that nothing will happen anytime soon - any and all friendship or whatever you want to call it will be so damn slow because I still bare the scars.
I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass - and if you want to think I'm stupid or even an asshole for talking to him - FUCK YOU. The biggest problem in our relationship has been removed- from what I've been told and can see. Of course time will only tell, but - BUT if he has in fact changed those things, then I will allow him to slowly creep back into my life.
By no means will I stop having fun, going out with my guurrrrls and by NO means will I stop looking for someone. I can't - I'd be an idiot. I'm still headed to Boston, St. Martaan and perhaps even South Beach again for my birthday (that's still an open invite people).
It's still there though. Never in my entire life could I ever believe that I could have a connection or bond with someone else like I have with him. I will say this until the day I die. Is there ONE person in your life that you are meant to be with? I don't think so, but I do believe in unspoken bonds and connections. I believe that you can be truly deep with someone in a way you've never been with anyone else.
He said it is unfortunate that things, meaning the ENTIRE relationship, happened the way they did. I am the love of his life and he had to learn the hard way how fast that could be taken away - how much I really did mean to him. He said it, he truly believes that things happen for a reason and if losing me was the wake up call, he's glad it happened. I told him I have no pity for him or anything that has happened to him in the last few months and he said he doesn't want pity. It happened for a reason, but he can't help but thank god that his prayers have been answered and he was able to say what he's said to me in recent conversations.
I have a great support system around me, I have my very good friends and I know their love for me alone will not allow me to make the mistakes I've made before. My own fucking mind won't allow it either. I'm way smarter this time around. I DO want to believe he has changed, because if he has, then its ok for me to allow him back into my life - but if that mother fucker shows an ounce of his old "ways" - forget it. I told him, "I've left you once, I have no problem doing it again. Consider yourself a big lake and I’m a child standing on the shore sticking my toe in testing the water. Is it safe? It looks very scary, I can’t see the bottom, I don’t know how deep the water is – or even what the temperature is. Before I didn’t care. I cannonballed. I dove right in not worried about consequences and before I knew it, I was drowning in you. I can’t let that happen."
He said it - everything happens at my pace. This time I'm uno numero, its all about Princess Meredith. He's excited to make it about me, to show me what he is really all about.
I'm not sure how I feel about it. Once again I turn to this website to let it all out - writing this out helps me think. It connects me with myself - my heart and brain come together to formulate a decision. They are both screaming "CAUTION" - but they also both want to see if this is real. I don't see anythig wrong with what I'm doing. I don't - because again, there is that union between us that makes it FEEL right. The second it feels icky, I'm out. ABORT! ABORT! will ring in my ears and I'll be out......but, I can't help it, I need to feel this out.....slowly.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I tried to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain’t right
It just ain’t right
Oh and i don’t know
I don’t know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Part of me wants to talk to him. Its not weakness, don't mistake my need to want to talk to him for weakness. I loved him. I loved him and cared for him more than any individual in my entire life. We had a connection, a bond - it was unspoken, it was an already stated thing the second we started dating.
Part of me doesn't want to talk to him. It hurt what happened, it hurt more than my actual divorce from my husband. When he was cold, mean and distant, it was like my world was crashing around me. When I decided that I had to leave - well before he became so mean, cold and distant, it was the hardest decision of my life, but I knew I had to make it. And I did.
By no means am I jumping into anything. If I've learned a god damn thing from any of this, its to go with my gut. Yes, curiousty killed the cat, and I'm VERY wary of it all, very very very wary. My heart and my head are actually in unison on this one....let what needs to be said, be said, but do NOT under any circumstances become involved on any level.
That said, he is being served up to me on a silver platter. Everything I have ever wanted to hear from him, I've heard. EVERYTHING. I won't go into it, you'll either judge him and call him a pussy, or you'll judge me and call me an asshole. Either way, I don't want to hear it.
I looked to friends and family for support. All I wanted to hear was be careful. Do what you have to do to gain closure, but be careful. We understand. We know. I got that from two people....Trixie and Kelly. They know why I have to talk to him. They understand. They also know that I won't do anything stupid. I can't. If I were to do something stupid, it would be the end of me. The end of Mer. I can't allow that to happen again.
We've talked. I can say that much. Its been interesting to say the least. Its been hard to hear his voice, it was almost unbearable to look at him after court the other day. He's still very good looking and charming in a boyish manner. To look at his arms, his chest, those hands.....all of it. It was hard.
I still love him. That hurts. He loves me. That hurts more.
I know..... I KNOW.... that I can never go back. That chapter is closed. I told him that. I don't care if that hurt him. I really don't. I am number one. Me. Never him again.
I really don't want to get into what was said on the phone. I believe it because it wasn't horseshit. It was real. Everything is very confusing, but my gut says ride it out - not in the sense to see where it goes with him, in the sense that talking to him will bring closure. It will give me something I've been looking for. I'm not ready for him to re-enter my life.
Why certain friends and family cannot understand that I do not know. They CANNOT get past the fact that I would even talk to him. Can't. Not sure if its ignorance or hate. I'm the one who this all happened to - I"M NOT AN IDIOT!!!! Trust in me and have faith in me - dont' berate me for making a decision as to talk to him. Its just talking - I'm not FUCIKING HIM - I"M NOT MARRYING HIM. A SIMPLE CONVERSATION IS ALL!!! I have things I want to say and clear up. Get it out in the air.
DO NOT tell me that there aren't things you've said and done in your life that you would like to re-do. Do NOT tell me that there isn't any one person in your life that you wish you could have said certain things to - that you don't regret not saying. That is where I am right now. I want to say some things and I'm being given the opportunity. I will. I will tell him next time we speak.
I love him. Yes. But I'm not IN love with him. I can walk away very easily. I take no shit.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
40 straight hours - yes, I was awake from 5:24 a.m. Thursday morning and did not go to bed until sometime around 10:00 p.m. Friday night. Good shit.
Back to Thursday - Straight from the bar in New York - sometime around 2:00 a.m., Trixie and I headed back to her place to change, grab our luggage and head to a diner for a little pre-flight food. Of course our plane did not leave JFK until 6:30 a.m., but that's just a minor detail. 4:00 a.m. - picture this - Mer, drunker than drunk, Trixie, barely awake and alive - dragging our carcasses through JFK airport......We tried to sleep in the airport, but I just couldn't do it. Trixie caught a few winks in the airport and on the plane, but little ol' me just wasn't having it.
Fast forward, by 11:30 a.m. we were sitting on the beach relaxing and soaking up the rays. I have to say, this was more relaxing than my trip to Michigan. Yes, somehow in all the hussle and bussle of Miami we were able to find a way to relax. Two party animals likes us relaxed. Go figure....but we needed it.....not saying crazy times did not occur......whoa, don't go thinking that crazy shit....we still went out Friday night - but when we came back to the hotel so I could take off my god foresaken black heels, we both passed the fuck out. NO joke. Fully clothed, jewelry and make up still on - we passed out. Ok, so alcohol MIGHT have had a little something to do with it, but that's just a minor detail. I was comatose....so much so that I never heard my phone ring when my Boston buddy called to make sure I was still alive at 3:00 a.m.
I'm not going to go into a play by play of our time in Miami, but I will point out a few things. First off, if you go to Miami, fly Jet Blue. LOVE THEM. Second, if you go to Miami, go to the Shore Club and eat at Nobu. You will NOT regret it. I like sushi, but Trixie knows more about it and dear GOD it was good. LOVED IT - GO. Now. Do it. - Third, if you are in South Beach, go to a little hole in the wall called Wet Willies. - before I go into details - drinks are VERY expensive anywhere in Miami - food IS expensive - you need to know the good spots and since I love you, I'm telling you to go to this place. Pregame if you can anywhere else - otherwise you will pay $10-15 each drink. No joke. Back to Wet Willies - you can sit outside like most places, but they have two floors. Sit on the upper balcony and order a drink named, "Call a Cab" - dear mother of all that is holy. One drink has you feeling buzzed, two? - OH MY LORD - we were stumbling piss drunk SHITFACED by time we left there. Uh yeh.
After 2 drinks each, ($8 bucks each drink - total cost per person $16 - 20 with tip) - we found a little place to shake our groove thang, and shake it we did. I was so sweaty, drunk and happy....it was better than Christmas morning. I love dancing with Trixie...but anyway. Leaving there we received bracelets to go to a club with free admission with said bracelet - bingo, my type of place - Description? Hip Hop and R&B - I'm there. We stumbled on over there - 7 blocks later, we found out that that "portion" of the club was closed and there was a $20 cover to get in the other portion. Now at any other time I would have paid the cover happily, but I walked 7 blocks in 4 inch heels, I was retarded beyond belief and I wasn't havin' it. Nope. Not doin' it - plus...the people on line were lacking......seriously unfortunate individuals. Sorry. Nope.
Trixie and I trudged back to the hotel, singing and flashing each other.....good times. Did I mention we were dirty little birds wearing white skirts and no panties. Ha ha ha ha......good times. LOVE IT!!!!! Of course this is normal for me, but going commando is new to her and I think I might have created a monster. I love my guuuurrrllll....
All in all Miami was a great time. We're even thinking of going back during the "in" season for my birthday. I'm inviting you all. If we do in fact go back in February - I am inviting you there. We'll party like its 1999 - promise.
I'm hoping to have some pictures today or tomorrow and I'll post them soon. Its still good to be back though. I missed you and were thinking about you. Not really, but it sounded good.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
I will NOT be sleeping tonight as we are headed to a bar and then straight to the airport - Very rockstar, I know. Our flight leaves at 6:30 a.m. so why bother sleeping? Go hard or go home Nancy's.
I thought that after seeing him I would be distraught and all the hurt would resurface and I'm proud to say it hasn't. I was flaberghasted for sure, I mean, there I was, standing next to someone that I loved so much, someone who caused so much pain and I was perfectly fine. It could be one of two reasons, I'm either over him, or our bond that I talked about so much is really that strong. Probably a little bit of both.
Perhaps its the fact that he's hurt so much for the past few months. His life has been hard - he told me that this summer was the most depressing summer he's ever had. I told him, "Good. That's karma for ya. You know that right? You did wrong by me and now you're paying for it." He understood it and he didn't debate it. He said all the things that I had wanted to hear. Yet the affect has been minimal.
Well, outwardly at least. The last two nights he has infested my dreams like a cockroach. I've had dreams about him picking me up from work...just like old times. I had dreams of him holding me and kissing me. I've had dreams of us laughing. I don't know what that all means, but I do know this, I'm not prepared for him to re-enter my life. It can't happen.....not now. I may be repeating myself, but that shows me that I know what I really want.
I won't lie, part of me wants a relationship with him - but not friendship. No. Part of me wants to crawl into bed with him. Watch TV, hold hands, go for long walks like we used to. My body craves him, his touch, his kiss, his love - those hands! But its not an overwhelming notion, thank god, because from the second we saw each other, 4 years ago, neither one of could forget the other. Did I ever tell you how we met? I don't think so.
As the Administrative Assistant of my old department, part of my responsibility was to place all work orders for telephone and computer needs - we were moving a load of people into a new area and I had to coordinate the move. I placed a work order and like most other institutions, waited a few days. I remember this as clear as day. I was on the phone, sipping my D&D coffee and there is a knock on my office door. I yell come in and in walks Ted. He stopped, I stopped. He smiled, I smiled. I got off the phone we had normal salutations and then we proceeded to do the walk through of the areas to worked on.
At this point in time I was married - a newlywed actually, so I just starred at him and his fantastic ass.....anyway, I return to my office thinking the meeting is over. But he follows me back, sits down and proceeds to talk to me for the next hour. It turned out we grew up in the same town - we knew all the same people. We had two years between us so we never really hung out, but we figured it out that I was a cheerleader for either him or his brother. But as hot as he was, all I could think to myself was, "Oh my god. He's so dumb. How sad. He's beautiful, but oh that's so sad."
For the next year and a half, maybe two years, we would see each other all over the facility - always polite to one another, always saying hello. Each time I'd see him, I'd still go weak in the knees and I refer to him as, "Dumb, beautiful telephone boy." - so. very. sad.
Fast forward to the beginning of the softball season where I was assistant coach - and newly separated from my husband (nice). I'm talking to Carmine and Ted comes walking over - now since our meeting, we had only actually had two conversations - all work related. He walks up to us while we're speaking about softball and tryouts. Next thing you know, Ted's on the team and he has my phone number. I'm sneaky. What I didn't know and it was later revealed to me is this, Ted had the hots for me and had been looking for an "in" the whole time. His final "in" came at the first game when he called me for a ride to the game. After the game we went out with the team to a bar. After the bar, we made our first date. Turns out the stupid thing is an act, he plays stupid so no one expects anything of him, but he's a lot smarter than he lets on. A lot smarter.
Our first date we went to a festival and then ultimately a bar. By the end I was feeling no pain. I brought him home and he said, "You are not driving home. You are going to march yourself up to my room and sleep in my bed. I promise I will not touch you. You can have the whole bed and I'll even sleep on the floor, but its either you sleep here, or I drive home with you."
Well. Can you believe he stuck to his word? I did in fact sleep over - and not even one kiss occurred between the two of us. Yes, we shared the bed, but he didn't try anything. I was impresed. As for the next night -well, that's a whole other story. Kelly was there for the second date and it went rather well I'd say. Uh yeh. It was on. After that day, we were joined at the hip. We had too much in common. Yes we had led different lives and different paths, but even from day one we were finishing each other's sentences. Even then we knew this was different.
Over time I started to learn the truth - it wasn't until a year later that I really knew what the whole story was, but by then I was living in my apartment and he had packed an overnight bag and never left. We were very happy at first and then his father took ill and was in the ICU for 6 1/2 weeks and then in a home for another 2 months. On the tails of his fathers recovery his mother was diagnosed with cancer. I guess the stress of those two illnesses and his estranged brother returning to their lives, we didn't have a chance. Especially with his past with drugs and alcohol. I gave it a go, but in the end it was too much. The drinking increased, the sneaking of pills. Too much lying about it all. Too many conversations - rarely there was a fight - just lots of discussions and empty promises.
I don't regret not sticking through it all, but I regret not standing firmer on certain issues when they arose. He's apologized for those things. He knows that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He knew it then, he knows it now - that hasn't changed.
That day in June when I told him that I was dead to him - that if anyone asked how I was doing, I told him tell them I am dead. That I don't exist, that we never were - or relationship never happened - it threw him over the edge. Good. If that hadn't happened, if I hadn't had that restraining order, I don't think I would have ever been rid of him and his selfish ways. I would still in some capacity be involved with him. Not clear of his vices. He wouldn't be where he is today - doing it all by himself. Being a grown up. So sad that this had to happen in order for him to get his shit together.
I'm convinced, everything happens for a reason. Everything.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
"FESSING UP AND LETTING GO" - SEPTEMBER 14, 2005
I've been cheating on you. Yes, I'm so very sorry. I love you all, but I've been cheating on you with another website.
Remember back when I said that I felt cornered like I had no anonymity? At the suggesion of someone else, I started another blog. This one is different to say the least. So why fess up now about it? Because said person found the site and I wanted it to be a secret and keep it a secret. I'm not conceding defeat, I'm just going to keep it on the run.
Don't worry your pretty little heads though. I still love you. I tell you guys my feelings - portions of my feelings and this other site is more of an experiment to break me out of my shyness. Shyness with men and talking about sex. A little raunchy, a little off, a bit scandalous, but anonymous - even more so now.
Don't feel neglected either. No one knows about it so its all good.
There are instances in life where things are just better off left alone. No need to discuss, analyze or hash it out. When I was with Ted I never knew how to leave well enough alone.
Hell growing up, my father's favorite thing to scream at me was, "MEREDITH, YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP!!!"
'YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE THE LAST WORD!!!"
Nothing has changed. People think they get the best of me, but of course they don't know the whole story - so I leave well enough alone. I've learned this as a result of my relationship with Ted.
I've been through enough fighting, bickering and contemplation with Glenn alone, to know its all not worth it. When a situation arises between two people, why hash it out? Both parties were privy to the same information, both witnessed the events. Someone was hurt, maybe even betrayed - who knows, perhaps it was a draw. In my case, I don't want to deal with it. Simple. It might be childish, it might be spineless, but I can't deal. I don't have time nor energy to handle it. My life has been a series of emotional obstacles. I've been living a life lately without drama, and I want to keep it that way.
Sometimes apologies are just words. Words are sometimes not enough. So round and round you go, trying to communicate and it doesn't ever get to that point. At this particular juncture in my life, I've learned to pick my battles and most times I walk away. My past has sucked the fight out of me. It has now become very hard to get the ginny blood boiling - but when it does - be prepared. The firey wrath of my temper to follow will leave a scar. That is why I choose not to allow it to surface. I say the harshest and most truthful of things. If you have nothing nice to say, dont' say it at all- but when I'm pissed, let the games begin. Last time I allowed my temper to flare, my fist went through a glass door window. Uh yeh. Surprised the shit out of him, I'll tell you that much. I've also put my fist through a wood door - granted the door was an inch thick - I still cracked that son of bitch and had my best friend shitting her pants. Good times.
I am a much calmer individual as a result of the last few years. Maturity? Maybe. Not sure. I used to have a lot of fight in me. I know I'm still stubborn, but I also know when to leave well enough alone.
In the past week or so, an incident left me on the defensive. I very well could have kicked and screamed and defended myself. But why? It wouldn't get me anywhere. I know what I did, I know what the other party did. I know where I was at fault, but I also know where I was right. Do I REALLY need to call someone out, just for gratification? I think not. I know who I am (at least I'm trying to figure it out anyway). Why muddy the water with more words.
To say the last 5 days has been a roller coaster is an understatement. Between severing ties with Kenny (long, long, LONG story) and Ted semi-reentering my life, I don't want to deal. And guess what? I'm pretty calm about it. Guess neither has had that great of an effect for me to wallow in misery.
I'm headed to South Beach this weekend and I'm glad to get away. I think I need it on the heels of what happened yesterday. I'm still trying to formulate words for how I feel, but once I know, you'll be the first to know. Ok, maybe second.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
There he is. The man, the myth - the not so legend - Ted. Yes that's us this past New Year's Eve. I was still happy, despite the fact that I was 20 pounds heavier than I am right now, but I digress.
Yesterday while perusing some documents I came across a court order that I had forgotten about - ok well I didn't forget about it so much as I misread it. I thought that I did not have to appear at court today for a hearing, but upon further inspection, I did in fact have to appear today. Oh boy. Phone calls of panic went out to Trixie and Matty Mac. Not so much because I was panicking over seeing him, but I was just taken back - it was a surprise I wasn't prepared for. I was going to see Ted!
I got there this morning, not knowing what to expect and not really understanding why I had to appear. (oh and more importantly, I looked fucking hot - because we all know how important it is to look good in front of an ex).
Alone I sat in that big cold marble hallway, waiting. First person to appear.....Ted. He sat across from me in the big hallway and smiled and then looked away. I'm not one to let things rest, I've got a set of balls, I needed to use them.
ME: "Why am I here?
Ted: "I didn't register fast enough with the Domestic Abuse office. I don't know why you're here, but I have filed. I don't get it. Shouldn't be long."
Now this hallway was HUGE and it echoed, so I told him to move over. For the next 45 minutes we talked like nothing had ever happened. It was that comfortable. It was that scary. Don't worry, I kept my cool. I'm going to cut to the chase and tell you that after the hearing he walked me to my car and we talked for two hours in the blazing heat.
Basically he knows he fucked up. He said it, "The last time I saw you, the day I walked out of court, I knew, I just knew it was the biggest regret of my life. I've had DUI's, I've done mad drugs and I've never once had a regret. But the biggest reget I have was this whole situation."
He's kept my picture hanging in his apartment - if anyone dares to bad-talk me, he shuts them up. He's given up the booze, he's done with the drugs. No more. Yes every once in a blue moon he'll have something - smoke, maybe 2 or 3 beers, but he can't do it anymore. For the most part though, as long as rent is paid and there is food in his fridge, he's happy. He's taken a big step back and gone over what a fuck up he is and he's done nothing for the last few months but try to get his shit together.
He's called his mother crying about how much he's fucked up with me. He's woken himself up crying. The girl he dated, was not worth it and he doesn't want anyone. Not now at least. He kicked her ass to the curb as fast as he could. Yes it was because of her that he broke his wrists.
He admitted, the last few months have been the most depressing months of his life.
My reaction? Good. I told him that karma is a bitch and that is why his life sucked. Mine on the other hand has been drama free and I've had fun. I've traveled, I'm going to continue traveling. I've dated, but nothing serious. I've gotten my shit together, for the most part and life has been good. I told him how much I am happy to have good friends and how close I've become with Trixie.
In the end, he wants to be my friend and I don't think I can give that to him. I do still love him. I'll love him more than anyone. I know what you are thinking, how could I? If you go back and re-read my old posts, you'll notice, we didn't fight about our relationship, we didn't fight over friendship - we fought because he was an alcoholic - he did drugs. He didn't appreciate me and all I was doing for him. That's why we broke up. Not for a lack of love. Not for a lack of wanting to be with one another - it got out of control. I wanted more - more from him as a human being. He couldn't give it to me. He still can't because I still deserve better.
I can't offer friendship. It would hurt too much. Like Matty Mac said, nothing good would ever come of it either. In a perfect world I could be with him. In a perfect world I would be the world to him. In a perfect world he could give me everything I need from a man. But he can't and he never will.
I'm not too proud to say that I still love him. I do. We haven't spoken in months - we left on bad terms, yet sitting next to him, talking, it was still easy. That bond was still there. But its not good for me. I think with my head now, not my heart.
Tomorrow I'll post my notes from inside the court room. Tomorrow you'll hear the hurt and the pain, the emotion of what it was like to sit there, feet away from him. The crazy thoughts that ran through my head. In a way, I'm still speechless. I need to register this all.
Talk tomorrow kiddies. I apologize that this was very hastily written, but oh well. It happens.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Trixe (in pink) and me (in tan). Where are we? A bar of course. Duh.
I have a few points that I want to touch upon today, but I thought that I would start by explaining that one night last week I actually doubted our friendship. The most silly thing I have done in a long time. Do these two people here in this picture look like they have relationship issues? Of course not. That's us - always us - smiling, happy, joking, having a good time - feeling and spreading the love. Good stuff. After I realized that I was being silly about a very minor incident with Trixie (in pink for those of you that are new) I then became aware of just how close we have become as friends and confidants. We don't exactly agree on everything, but when we disagree, we know enough not to get mad at one another and we take the other's advice as its given - with love and best intentions. Neither one of us has a hidden agenda (not easy because girls can be caddy) and we try (very hard) to keep the other in line when it comes to relationships. Good for us. We have each other's backs.
The weekend - not much to say. I kept it pretty low key - Friday - stayed in, not for lack of wanting to go out, just no one was around and I didn't feel like meeting up with a new acquaintance (guy I work with) all by myself. Trixie was at the Yankee vs. Boston game (for those that live in a closet, we took the series 2-1 YES!), Kelly had a date (hope it went well), Schmitty was probably half crocked when I called him, Samantha the Babysitter* was in Mexico, Carmine was working and Dan the second Babysitter* had a function. - I figured that after the insane time I had Thursday, it was better to just not call anyone else at that point. Leave well enough alone and give the liver a break. Good thing because on Saturday I drank for 12 - straight - hours. Dear Lord - I don't know why I continue to drink out of bottles, wouldn't it be easier to just hook up an I.V. at this point? Best part, this was a work related function and I was shitfaced, but NO ONE knew it. That's right, I'm a professional.
As for Sunday, the day I normally relax and take it easy, we headed to the Giants game to tailgate (Giants won 42-19 - SIT DOWN KURT WARNER!!!!) Ok, so we didn't have tickets - but there is always a possibility right? What we did have was my buddy B tailgating with his friends like it was the Superbowl of tailgating. I hope to have pictures soon of that shit fest because let me tell you - drunken debauchery was ever present. Festivities began with Bloody Mary's at 11:00 a.m. and my first shot gun** by 11:30 a.m. Nice. I would like to take the time to thank B for inviting me and his buddies who kept repeating throughout the day, "Mer you have to come next time - you are more than welcome ANYTIME to tailgate with us." Hopefully I'll have tickets next time and I'll be able to join them inside. Oh and I forgot, due to this weekend ALONE, I will be attending my first AA meeting. Yeh right, AA is for quitters and I'm not a quitter. GO hard or go home baby.
B, thank you for yet another good time. Thank you for being a kick ass friend. Thank you for providing the liquor and the beer pong table (classic). Thank you for getting loaded and hitting complete strangers over the head with your blow up "Let's get Hammered" hammer. And lastly, thank you for the drunk dial last night, priceless, truly fucking priceless.
*Babysitter - individuals who have been trained in the art of hanging with Mer when the parental units (Trixie, Kelly, Carmine or even Schmitty) are not available
**Shot Gun - Poke a whole at the bottom of beer can, crack the top and let 'er rip
Mer's stats: 1st Shot gun came in 3rd - 2nd shot gun- I BEAT THEM ALLLLLLLL!! SUCK IT!!!! - Go hard or go home baby. Go hard or go home.......
Friday, September 09, 2005
Trixie and I headed to our former watering hole, the 101 last night for the season opener- the awesome New England Patriots vs. the unfortunate Oakland Raiders. Two words Raiders - SUCK IT!
First off, yes, I support the locals teams here - so that makes me a Giants fan, however, when I started dating Ted (a die hard Patriot fan since he was a little itty bitty) I obviously became very aware of the Patriots talents. I'm not a bandwagon jumper - no, just someone who appreciates a team who takes pay cuts to play with one another because when you know its a good thing, you don't fuck it up by being a piss ass money grubbing nut. That said, Bill Belichick is also a former Giants coach and probably should be voted man of the year. The shit this guy has pulled off in the last six years, truly amazing - and you can't forget Tom Brady. I don't know who amazes me more, Brady or Belichick. Belichick for pulling plays out of his ass or Brady for his calmness in the pocket and amazing rifle for an arm.
Anyway, the night started out pretty mellow, and of course the place was packed. Kelly joined the ranks at about 9:30 and shortly thereafter, the fun really began. We were there mainly because I wanted to watch the Pats game, but karaoke was also present sweetening the deal. Nice.
Now I've said this before and I will stop doing so because of last night - I never get picked up in bars. Never. Seriously, I don't know why, I just don't. Last night, well, last night was an exception. Four times. Nice. Problem though, I wasn't interested in not a one. All attractive, all very doable, each funny and good at conversation - but nothing. Nope. Nada.
First up -the lawyer (or so he claimed). He was there with 4 of his buddies because they had just come from a wake. He was probably the most fun, but nope. Not doin' it. He kept making that joke, you know it "So, when we hanging out?" "Where we going?" - he'd throw that out at random points in the conversation and I've heard that enough times in my life and its O.L.D. At one point I removed the straw from my drink (all while his buddies watched) and told him to hold it - and I said, "Buddy, now you're grabbing at straws." - I'm funny. - He was also 10 years my senior, he had the same name as my ex-boyfriend and his birthday was the same date as my ex-husband - that had RUN written all over it - besides all that - I wasn't feelin' it.
Second up, was the hot piece of ass named Casey. What kind of name is that? Casey? Ok, so that's not his fault he's got that name. For the better part of the night he was no fun, then all of a sudden, hello, how are ya. He wanted to converse, chill and make nicey nice. He had a fabu body, nice pecks, good ass, cute face - but when I talked to him, nothing. He invited me to the next bar....... like six times. Unfortunately though I was not drunk enough to be interested, nor did I feel like heading to another bar at 1:30 a.m. And he was 2 years younger than me. Yeh, been there, done that.
Third up - we have the Rob Lowe look alike. Swear. He was cute, he was funny - HE WAS NINETEEN!!!! Ba-bye. (I know, why the hell was he in the there to begin with? - I have no clue - don't ask me.)
Fourth and final - my favorite. Jim. I love Jim. No matter how many times I see Jim at the 101, he still tries so hard. No matter how many times I've shot him down, he still comes back for more. I knock him down, he bounces back up. He's adorable - I want to stick him in my pocket and carry him around with me. He's as cute as a button. Problem? Besides the fact that I think there is a lack of a connection on my part - he's only 22. WTF? I mean too many itty bitty's hit on me and my girls. All last night I was told I look 22 - thanks guys, LOVE YA, but no, I'm 28 so NEXT! - BUT, now this is the kicker, when I was leaving last night and I was saying my good bye's - I went to kiss him on the cheek and he moved his head, planted a kiss on my lips and tried to stick his tongue down my throat. I pulled away "HELLO!!!" Geez, little itty bitty trying stuff like that, I should call his mother.
When Trixie and I walked in the bar last night, we didn't really know anyone. By time Kelly and I left, people could have voted me Home Coming Queen. It was like I knew everyone - it was like being at Cheers where everybody knows your name. Good times.
I guess in a way I missed the 1-0. For the most part it is a good mix of people, and I have yet to have a "bad" time per say. The bartenders know us and hook us up, the DJ likes us and requests our services for back up singing. And by the end of the night, everyone knows everyone. No one is shy.
And perhaps last night I wasn't feeling any of these guys because of recent events. Not sure - but most likely. And the fact that they were all younger than me (except one) doesn't help. I don't have anything against people being younger, but 22? Come on now. But all in all, last night was just what I needed - a little steam blowing so to speak.
Have a good weekend ya all. Tonight starts the Yankees vs. Boston series so I'm headed out to watch it and send obnoxious text messages to Matty Mac. Good times to follow.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
I never really understood people who said that they "needed a break." Either you do or you don't want to be with someone. Trixie is going through that right now and I hate to watch her go through it. She loves someone dearly and they can't reciprocate on the level she can. Sometimes I want to punch this guy that she's on a break from because he's not there to see her cry about missing him. She was happy, happier than she'd ever been and he pulled out a big yellow yield sign on that happiness.
Now I understand, because at some point you need to be selfish. I'm not saying its right what this guy is doing to Trixie, but I can on some level understand it. Its one thing if its a week or two, its another when he carries on past that - that's what aggravates me for her. I love my gurl and I don't want that for her. She's a good person with lots to offer, who wouldn't want a sexy piece of ass like that 24/7? (he he).
Same for Kelly, I want nothing but good things for her. I won't say I'm happy that her and her man broke up, but I think it was best. However she still talks to him and that's dangerous. They want to be together, but yet they can't stop pushing each other's buttons long enough to realize it. I want her to be happy, same as she wants for me.
My mind is all over the place. I'm trying to get a point across and I'm failing miserably at it. I still don't know what I want, I think I'm pretty sure its not a comittment, not that Kenny was looking for that from me. But still, whether or not he felt like he was getting deeper, I was and that freaked me out because I'm not ready, too many doubts and confusion to wade through in order to be at that point right now. I did enjoy doing "couples things" with him, but then something would or might happen and I wig out, I can't breathe and I lose it. He knows this, I think. - well he reads the site, so now he does.
Do I have wild oats to sew? I don't think so because if that was the case I'd be getting laid right now. If I wanted a booty call, I have a rolodex and ample volunteers. And those that are close enough to me know that my "magic" number is very low and I want to keep it that way.
All of this paranoia from a stupid email that was read accidentially. Maybe Matty Mac is right and I like drama. I don't think so though only because I've been happier this summer than I've been in a very long time - and this was with no drama. Yeh, its not the drama. I hate drama, why can't we all just be?
And I've said it before and I'll say it again, this blog is a snippet of my life and feelings. I post my carnival of emotions and events for all to read and then I discuss them from my point and the potential point of the reader. This is one dimensional, nothing should ever be taken to heart or even taken seriously unless I say "TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY" - but I'm a goofball, so don't.
But I do think what makes this blog worthy of reading is my ability to connect with the reader - because I do try to cover all the angles - sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not. Perhaps its popular because I'm just that fucked up and you all like a good car crash. Assholes. I still love you though.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
We all talk to our friends, we all snicker and gossip, some more than others. We discuss things we don't like, things we do like about other people in a good and bad way. That's human nature. That said, I thought I had learned my lesson a long time ago, but apparently not. See when I gossip about a friend or even foe, I feel weary and a little dirty - wrong more like it because its not in my nature. Its not like me to talk shit because you NEVER ever know who you are talking to. I've stuck my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion to have learned my lesson.
Or so I thought.
Friday night, hanging with Kenny, Schmitty and Trixie, I thought I'd use Kenny's high tech phone to check my hotmail account - that's right, the very same hotmail account that got me in trouble the first time around. Its my main communication with a few friends so I try to check it at least once a day. Now please remember, I was LOADED at the bar. I was checking the email and it wasn't appropriate content, AND the DJ was calling me up on stage so I exited out, handed it back and said something to the effect of "don't look at that, exit it." because it flipped to a white screen and I had to go. STUPID. MOVE.
We all know where this is going. Sure enough, the email was not completely closed and was in fact available for viewing the next day.
SIDE NOTE: Something I did not mention on this site about hanging out with Carmine - we had a little bit of a kiss that night. We got trashed (what is up with me and drinking lately) and I guess because he hasn't seen me in a long time, he didn't know that my body has gone through the changes it has gone through. So of course he was all over my shit once we started feeling tipsy (read fucked up). By the end of the night we did in fact share a good night kiss. I'll admit I was curious, but the next day on the phone we apologized to one another and decided that all was better off left alone.
I had been emailing my friend about it and we discussed it. No one needs to know what what else this email said, let's just say that I feel wretched, stupid and like a jerk. I said some not so flattering things too - and to tell you the truth, I can't remember exactly what I said but I got the gist when Kenny confronted me about it last night.
First line read from my friend: "Oh I forgot that you and Carmine had a make out session last week."
I was mean (indirectly) to a person who didn't deserve it and I did it in the worst possible manner. I don't feel bad for the fact that I wrote it persay, because we all talk to our friends, that's what they are there for, they are friends, we share, we contemplate, we figure stuff out. Some friends we get more descriptive with, some not - it depends on the nature of the relationship. The person I had been emailing is now a person I consider a confidant, so it was not abnormal to say the things I said. He knows who he is and he kicks major ass, especially when it comes to advice. Oh yeh, he's funny too. But anyway.
There are definitely two sides to this. Some would argue that I was most wrong because you don't talk shit about other people. Its wrong and that's why I feel bad. Some would also argue that the email never should have been read in the first place - at the bar by me, or by Kenny - its private and intended for only one person's eyes - but then again, I did use his device to read it opening myself up to the firing squad. Fuck me.
I don't think there is a clean cut answer or even a right or wrong here. I apologized and did my part. And I'm not in a committed relationship, however, it was still wrong to talk ill of someone else, especially when you are going to get caught. Double fuck me.
"Cover your tracks better," was his reaction. Not "fuck you" not "drop dead" not even, "Why would you do such a thing?" - this has me wondering though. A few reactions on my part:
Well is he that interested in me?
Is he perhaps seeing someone else?
Maybe he's just that secure with himself?
SHIT, why read my email?
I'm a little bit of it all. Not sure. But to be so nonchalant is a little unsettling - I'm Italian - If someone isn't yelling, then something is wrong.
So far, its all water under the bridge and things are proceeding as normal. Or at least as normal as normal can get under the circumstances. It hasn't seemed to phase him, however, I'm still a freaked because, well because I fucked up and I obsess about my fuck ups. That's one trait I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of. I know, I know, some of you are thinking - serves me right. To you, I say fuck you. I'm new to this whole dating thing and it does have a tendency to wig me out. I'm insecure and question every action so its natural for me to discuss things with my friends. I've learned to go with the flow and I'm doing a pretty good job so far. Still. Something like this sets me back about 10 paces.
I need to let this blow over so I can be comfortable again. I know, I'm retarded, but I'm also getting easily freaked and I'm always in control. Always.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Ever get drunk so fast that you don't know how you got so drunk? Whoop! Oh Boy! Yes, Friday night Trixie and I met up with Kenny and Schmitty at a little bar on the water. Conversation was good, we all caught up, we laughed and we drank.....like fishes. By time it was time to leave for the second bar (karaoke) where Trixie and I were all hyped up to sing our hearts and heiny's off - Mer was blasted. Good times. Let's put it this way, at one point I had my body hanging out the passenger door of Trixie's car, screaming like a banchee. Yes, Good times indeed. I was so drunk that Saturday morning, I was actually DREAMING about my headache and hang over. It was awful - and well worth it. Yes, we had a good time and I got to see Kenny and Schmitty. I sang on stage (YES!) and performed with my gurl, I think I even got felt up, but again I was tipsy (read: LOADED). Schmitty, understandably, is on a female bender since he broke up with his fiance, so much so that he went as far as to hit on my good friend Trixie. He was denied of course, but don't feel sorry for Schmitty because he got pootytang from a girl at another bar later in the night. That's a funny story, but it doesn't involve me and I'm self absorbed when it comes to the site so you'll just have to deal.
(Just heard from my friend in Boston - I left him the mother of all drunk voicemails on his work line - in his words "was the epitome of drunk dialing and should be in the drunk dialing hall of fame" - so glad that I didn't disappoint).
Yes as mentioned before I woke up with a hangover to kill. I don't know why they call it a hang over when it should be referred to as brain pounding. I didn't know if I wanted to puke, eat or shit. It was god awful. This brain pounding left me with liquor brain for the remainder of the day. And when I say that I had liquor brain, I mean I couldn't make a coherent sentence. I walked around with my mouth open like I was missing a chromosome. Nothing came out of my mouth right, but it was all for a good cause, so I'm not complaining.
That evening though, I dragged Trixie with special guest stars, Kelly, Dan and his friend Matt to see Urban Trip. Good lord I love these guys. Seriously, I know many of you are not from around here (Chicago, St. Louis, Boston, England, Australia etc.), but if you come and hang with me ever, I will make sure that I bring you to see them, but be prepared to party like a rock star because its go hard or go home when you hang with Mer. You can sample their music on their website, but as of right now, I don't think they have a cd. However, yours truly (as is usual and mandatory) did not disappoint when I got on stage to sing with the lead singer "Livin' on a Prayer." I'm pretty sure that I did a good job because women in the bathroom were complimenting me and the lead singer said I was "welcome on stage anytime." Yeh, I could LIVE on stage. If it were up to me, I'd be perpetually fixed to a stage at all times. I have no idea what it is, but I love performing. How about this? I'll take my father's Ford F150, build a stage on the back and have him drive me around so I can sing to the masses? I had a such a good time, that I was in fact the corny lame ass chick that stayed after their last set, just so I could tell the band thank you for a good time. - (too much to say here so we'll leave it alone). We're definitely going to see them again on October 1st in Morristown - and maybe even before that on September 23rd in Atlantic City but that all depends on if I'm out of my liquor coma after Miami. Side Note: guys from the band, if you EVER need a back up singer - I'm so in like Flynn.
BBQ at sissy's was good and I was able to relax and chill with the family. But two of my friends went MIA for the party. At first I was upset, because I'm not sure whatever happened to Kelly and Joey Bitch, but Trixie made an unexpected appearence so that made me happy. I'm sure I'll hear from them at some point in time.
The remainder of the weekend involves Kenny and this is what I meant by explaining about holidays. I spent the entire day with him, and without going into detail because I've decided to keep most of our dating on the QT from this site, I will say it was the first time in, I can't even tell you how long, that I spent a day with a man and it was - normal. Every holiday, birthday or event in the last decade has had some drama in it. Whether it be bickering with my ex-husband or stressed over Ted's drinking - (Ted wasn't ALWAYS a problem, but because I'm not a fortune teller, I could never predict when the night was going to go down the toilet so I was constantly stressed). Yesterday I breathed and it was wonderful. It was light, it was fun and I was happy.
This weekend showed me so much. Everything I wanted to do was in fact accomplished and it was done with lots of fun and humor. It exemplified everything that I had been missing and as Kenny said yesterday it showed me that I have made the right choices. It was different than anything I've experienced in a long time. I spent the weekend having fun with friends and family........... the way Labor Day weekend should be spent.
Oh yeh - I also received my liver transplant. It went rather well, thanks for asking. Stiches are healing just fine, I'll need a nice male nurse to aid in the healing, sponge baths, etc. Any takers? (I'm funny).
Friday, September 02, 2005
Ya all thought I was kidding, that I was just blowing smoke up yer ass - well here you go. These are my breasts, the "ladies", the mounds of joy, boobies, knockers, tits, cans, hooters. Mine.
This picture was taken by Trixie with my cell phone after a softball game. Were we drinking? Heavens no cough cough (read: hell yeh!). We all know that Trixie likes to fondle the mounds of joy, so who better to take the picture! This was about two months ago - Good times. Good times indeed.
Tonight I'm hitting the karaoke circuit (like there is one). I love how completely corny it is to go karaoking. I do. What is better than going out with friends, drinking abundant amounts of liquor, getting up on stage and making a fool of yourself? I ask you to defy that with something better. I mean, the place we are going to tonight used to be strip club for crying out loud!!! There is a STAGE in the middle of the actual bar itself!!! Dude, that's got MER written all over it! AND! AND! Kenny will be there tonight so I get to smooch someone when its all over. What is better than that? Most times I go home with Trixie and sleep over - and yes we share a bed - tisk tisk, get your minds out of the gutter now. Trixie is a hot piece of ass, but come on, its gonna be nice to have someone to smooch when I'm nice and drunk later. Most Excellent.
Tomorrow after I recover (somewhat), we're headed to see a cover band that I saw last time I hung out with Schmitty. OOOOOO I forgot, I'm seeing Schmitty tonight too so you KNOW I will be on the list for a liver transplant as of 5:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. So Rock Star. Anyway, I mentioned this cover band before, they are called Urban Trip and they are actually pretty good. I encourage you to go to their website and listen to their cover of Jet, Be My Girl just to give you an idea. Totally looking forward to it. I'll be in the company of Trixie with a guest appearance by the one and only fabulous Kelly. So looking forward to hanging with my guuurrrls. If anyone is in the Northern New Jersey area Saturday night, please feel free to join us.
Sunday, going to Sissy's house for a little BBQ with friends and family. Haven't seen much of the family this summer so I'm looking forward to it. Plus I get to see my nephew.
Plus it will give me a little chance to recover. Sunday night of course you HAVE to go out because, well because normally you would be in for the night getting ready for work - but NOPE, its LABOR DAY - its only fair that you go out and chill like a rock star (read: become comatose by means of drugs and alcohol).
Monday I will be receiving my new liver. I'll let all you cats know on Tuesday how the procedure went.
Have a great holiday this weekend (for those in the US of A) - everyone else, have a great normal weekend. But to EVERYONE - please make sure you toast to Mer at least once this weekend - send me some good vibes. I've got no money for the next two weeks and I'll probably be living out of box on the swampy streets of Paterson by next Friday, but hey, at least I can say it was a good ride right? Rock on.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
I love my car. Yes, this is her, Lola. Let me tell you a little something about Lola, she's draining me for all I'm worth. Literally. As youwill recall I had to buy two new rear tires = $560. Then I had to get four new rotors and all new brakes = $740. I hate and fear debt so I paid for everything cash which killed me. Ever since then I've been struggling with bills and what not. Now with gas prices on the rise, it looks like I'll be putting air in the tires on my bike and setting out for a night out on the town with my Schwinn. That's gonna be hot.
I'm sure everyone out there is feeling my pain right now. I thought prices were going to go down after Labor Day - but apparently there was a problem overseas and that's not going to happen? You see I don't read the paper, I don't watch the news - not since 9/11 - I refuse to and I'm learning that I'm not alone. So all of this gas price raising and whatnot is taking me by surprise. I its my own dumb fault for not paying attention. Such is life.
I'm going to have a treat for you all coming soon. Two other writers and myself (they will remain anonymous) are starting another blog - but this one has a little bit of a twist on it. This one will be a running fictional story written by each of us. The idea is that one of us starts the story and then abruptly ends it, leaving it to the next writer to pick up on it and forge ahead. I think once we get the hang of it this should be interesting. Very. We are going to rotate turns in order and continue until, well until whenever. I'll give you all the link once we get a few posts up and running.
Lastly, I have something to share with all of you. This is a first. I'm making a public apology to the man I'm dating. Yesterday I wrote about not being 100% sure if I was ready for a commitment. Its not something I should have written before I spoke with him about. That's only fair right?
I honestly thought that he had an idea that I was on the fence, I mean he does read the website after all and I assumed it was an unsaid thing. But there I go, assuming again and we all know that when you assume anything you only make an ASS out of U and ME. (Ok that was so corny).
This was totally not his fault though. But then again we are always having fun, laughing, keeping it light and simple, who wants to talk about that kind of shit? Who wants to ruin the good mood by talking relationship bullshit - we're still in the stages of learning about one another. I don't want those conversations anymore or at least just yet - I had them almost everyday for two years, I don't need any repeats.
Last night he called me and told me that he read the post. He basically (I'm paraphrasing of course) said that we go at my speed and we'll move at my pace and if anything should happen that I'm not ready for, all I have to do say is the word bird. He's not exactly looking for a dedicated relationship either.
I hope I conveyed my honesty as best as possible when we spoke last night. When I'm caught off guard about something, I'm not exactly very good at responding. Two hours later I'll have a response, I'll have the best damn response anyone can have, but in the moment, I'm a fumbling idiot - kind of like George Bush.
Basically I told him the truth. When we started talking in July, I wasn't exactly ready to date, but when opportunity knocks, you have to open the door, especially when a great guy like him comes along. He's the real deal - as far as I know, he's not an asshole, bonus for him. But I would be lying if I were to say I'm ready for the full fledged comittment deal. He gets that. I also was honest that if he says or does something that I don't reciprocate, its not him, its me. Its a defense mechanism. I swear a few times I almost choked - like I couldn't breathe - its NOT HIM. Its me. I've heard of people acting like this, I've seen it in comedy's, but I never thought it would be something I would do. Seriously. I'm so sorry for that.
I'm protecting myself the only way I know how, it might now always be fair, but I'm trying.
In a way I'm very happy that we did talk about it, it wasn't something I was prepared for, but perhaps he's more perceptive than I thought? Maybe by writing what I wrote yesterday I was subconsciously requesting "the talk?" But at least now the door is ajar and the line of communication is open. Whew.
In a way I feel sorry for him because I am a challenge. I thought I was pretty well rounded, but maybe I'm just profoundly fucked up. He knows I've been through a lot, but am I hiding behind that or am I truly damaged goods? I guess only time will tell.
For now all I want is to go with the flow. He doesn't live close, so that's a plus. I don't want to jump into anything feet first and I don't think he wants to either. The old Mer would be knee deep already. So far she's testing the water with her big toe and so far the water is the right temp.