There he is. The man, the myth - the not so legend - Ted. Yes that's us this past New Year's Eve. I was still happy, despite the fact that I was 20 pounds heavier than I am right now, but I digress.
Yesterday while perusing some documents I came across a court order that I had forgotten about - ok well I didn't forget about it so much as I misread it. I thought that I did not have to appear at court today for a hearing, but upon further inspection, I did in fact have to appear today. Oh boy. Phone calls of panic went out to Trixie and Matty Mac. Not so much because I was panicking over seeing him, but I was just taken back - it was a surprise I wasn't prepared for. I was going to see Ted!
I got there this morning, not knowing what to expect and not really understanding why I had to appear. (oh and more importantly, I looked fucking hot - because we all know how important it is to look good in front of an ex).
Alone I sat in that big cold marble hallway, waiting. First person to appear.....Ted. He sat across from me in the big hallway and smiled and then looked away. I'm not one to let things rest, I've got a set of balls, I needed to use them.
ME: "Why am I here?
Ted: "I didn't register fast enough with the Domestic Abuse office. I don't know why you're here, but I have filed. I don't get it. Shouldn't be long."
Now this hallway was HUGE and it echoed, so I told him to move over. For the next 45 minutes we talked like nothing had ever happened. It was that comfortable. It was that scary. Don't worry, I kept my cool. I'm going to cut to the chase and tell you that after the hearing he walked me to my car and we talked for two hours in the blazing heat.
Basically he knows he fucked up. He said it, "The last time I saw you, the day I walked out of court, I knew, I just knew it was the biggest regret of my life. I've had DUI's, I've done mad drugs and I've never once had a regret. But the biggest reget I have was this whole situation."
He's kept my picture hanging in his apartment - if anyone dares to bad-talk me, he shuts them up. He's given up the booze, he's done with the drugs. No more. Yes every once in a blue moon he'll have something - smoke, maybe 2 or 3 beers, but he can't do it anymore. For the most part though, as long as rent is paid and there is food in his fridge, he's happy. He's taken a big step back and gone over what a fuck up he is and he's done nothing for the last few months but try to get his shit together.
He's called his mother crying about how much he's fucked up with me. He's woken himself up crying. The girl he dated, was not worth it and he doesn't want anyone. Not now at least. He kicked her ass to the curb as fast as he could. Yes it was because of her that he broke his wrists.
He admitted, the last few months have been the most depressing months of his life.
My reaction? Good. I told him that karma is a bitch and that is why his life sucked. Mine on the other hand has been drama free and I've had fun. I've traveled, I'm going to continue traveling. I've dated, but nothing serious. I've gotten my shit together, for the most part and life has been good. I told him how much I am happy to have good friends and how close I've become with Trixie.
In the end, he wants to be my friend and I don't think I can give that to him. I do still love him. I'll love him more than anyone. I know what you are thinking, how could I? If you go back and re-read my old posts, you'll notice, we didn't fight about our relationship, we didn't fight over friendship - we fought because he was an alcoholic - he did drugs. He didn't appreciate me and all I was doing for him. That's why we broke up. Not for a lack of love. Not for a lack of wanting to be with one another - it got out of control. I wanted more - more from him as a human being. He couldn't give it to me. He still can't because I still deserve better.
I can't offer friendship. It would hurt too much. Like Matty Mac said, nothing good would ever come of it either. In a perfect world I could be with him. In a perfect world I would be the world to him. In a perfect world he could give me everything I need from a man. But he can't and he never will.
I'm not too proud to say that I still love him. I do. We haven't spoken in months - we left on bad terms, yet sitting next to him, talking, it was still easy. That bond was still there. But its not good for me. I think with my head now, not my heart.
Tomorrow I'll post my notes from inside the court room. Tomorrow you'll hear the hurt and the pain, the emotion of what it was like to sit there, feet away from him. The crazy thoughts that ran through my head. In a way, I'm still speechless. I need to register this all.
Talk tomorrow kiddies. I apologize that this was very hastily written, but oh well. It happens.