Thursday, September 15, 2005

Everything Happens for a Reason

Its been two days since I saw Ted. Guess what? I don't think its affected me the way I thought it would. (Bonus) I knew I was going to bump into him. I knew it! I've been telling Trixie for the last two weeks that I was going to see him, I didn't know when, but I knew it was going to happen soon. Obviously I was right.

I thought that after seeing him I would be distraught and all the hurt would resurface and I'm proud to say it hasn't. I was flaberghasted for sure, I mean, there I was, standing next to someone that I loved so much, someone who caused so much pain and I was perfectly fine. It could be one of two reasons, I'm either over him, or our bond that I talked about so much is really that strong. Probably a little bit of both.

Perhaps its the fact that he's hurt so much for the past few months. His life has been hard - he told me that this summer was the most depressing summer he's ever had. I told him, "Good. That's karma for ya. You know that right? You did wrong by me and now you're paying for it." He understood it and he didn't debate it. He said all the things that I had wanted to hear. Yet the affect has been minimal.

Well, outwardly at least. The last two nights he has infested my dreams like a cockroach. I've had dreams about him picking me up from work...just like old times. I had dreams of him holding me and kissing me. I've had dreams of us laughing. I don't know what that all means, but I do know this, I'm not prepared for him to re-enter my life. It can't happen.....not now. I may be repeating myself, but that shows me that I know what I really want.

I won't lie, part of me wants a relationship with him - but not friendship. No. Part of me wants to crawl into bed with him. Watch TV, hold hands, go for long walks like we used to. My body craves him, his touch, his kiss, his love - those hands! But its not an overwhelming notion, thank god, because from the second we saw each other, 4 years ago, neither one of could forget the other. Did I ever tell you how we met? I don't think so.

As the Administrative Assistant of my old department, part of my responsibility was to place all work orders for telephone and computer needs - we were moving a load of people into a new area and I had to coordinate the move. I placed a work order and like most other institutions, waited a few days. I remember this as clear as day. I was on the phone, sipping my D&D coffee and there is a knock on my office door. I yell come in and in walks Ted. He stopped, I stopped. He smiled, I smiled. I got off the phone we had normal salutations and then we proceeded to do the walk through of the areas to worked on.

At this point in time I was married - a newlywed actually, so I just starred at him and his fantastic ass.....anyway, I return to my office thinking the meeting is over. But he follows me back, sits down and proceeds to talk to me for the next hour. It turned out we grew up in the same town - we knew all the same people. We had two years between us so we never really hung out, but we figured it out that I was a cheerleader for either him or his brother. But as hot as he was, all I could think to myself was, "Oh my god. He's so dumb. How sad. He's beautiful, but oh that's so sad."

For the next year and a half, maybe two years, we would see each other all over the facility - always polite to one another, always saying hello. Each time I'd see him, I'd still go weak in the knees and I refer to him as, "Dumb, beautiful telephone boy." - so. very. sad.

Fast forward to the beginning of the softball season where I was assistant coach - and newly separated from my husband (nice). I'm talking to Carmine and Ted comes walking over - now since our meeting, we had only actually had two conversations - all work related. He walks up to us while we're speaking about softball and tryouts. Next thing you know, Ted's on the team and he has my phone number. I'm sneaky. What I didn't know and it was later revealed to me is this, Ted had the hots for me and had been looking for an "in" the whole time. His final "in" came at the first game when he called me for a ride to the game. After the game we went out with the team to a bar. After the bar, we made our first date. Turns out the stupid thing is an act, he plays stupid so no one expects anything of him, but he's a lot smarter than he lets on. A lot smarter.

Our first date we went to a festival and then ultimately a bar. By the end I was feeling no pain. I brought him home and he said, "You are not driving home. You are going to march yourself up to my room and sleep in my bed. I promise I will not touch you. You can have the whole bed and I'll even sleep on the floor, but its either you sleep here, or I drive home with you."

Well. Can you believe he stuck to his word? I did in fact sleep over - and not even one kiss occurred between the two of us. Yes, we shared the bed, but he didn't try anything. I was impresed. As for the next night -well, that's a whole other story. Kelly was there for the second date and it went rather well I'd say. Uh yeh. It was on. After that day, we were joined at the hip. We had too much in common. Yes we had led different lives and different paths, but even from day one we were finishing each other's sentences. Even then we knew this was different.

Over time I started to learn the truth - it wasn't until a year later that I really knew what the whole story was, but by then I was living in my apartment and he had packed an overnight bag and never left. We were very happy at first and then his father took ill and was in the ICU for 6 1/2 weeks and then in a home for another 2 months. On the tails of his fathers recovery his mother was diagnosed with cancer. I guess the stress of those two illnesses and his estranged brother returning to their lives, we didn't have a chance. Especially with his past with drugs and alcohol. I gave it a go, but in the end it was too much. The drinking increased, the sneaking of pills. Too much lying about it all. Too many conversations - rarely there was a fight - just lots of discussions and empty promises.

I don't regret not sticking through it all, but I regret not standing firmer on certain issues when they arose. He's apologized for those things. He knows that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He knew it then, he knows it now - that hasn't changed.

That day in June when I told him that I was dead to him - that if anyone asked how I was doing, I told him tell them I am dead. That I don't exist, that we never were - or relationship never happened - it threw him over the edge. Good. If that hadn't happened, if I hadn't had that restraining order, I don't think I would have ever been rid of him and his selfish ways. I would still in some capacity be involved with him. Not clear of his vices. He wouldn't be where he is today - doing it all by himself. Being a grown up. So sad that this had to happen in order for him to get his shit together.

I'm convinced, everything happens for a reason. Everything.

1 comment:

NCTRNL said...

It's always interesting to me how something so good can go so bad so quickly.