These are all the thoughts running through my head regarding Ted.
I love the way he talks to me. He says things that I never thought he was capable of saying. He wants nothing more than to make me happy. Everything he says, whether on the phone, in person or even in a text message all sounds so sincere. I think he really believes he has changed and that he can be the person he always knew he could be. He has promised to me that he will never allow himself to be that person again - he can't - whether or not I'm in his life, he can't be that person ever again. Yesterday: "I love you too much to fuck up like that again."
Four and half months of alone time to think about what he's said and done - 4 1/2 months without me, 4 1/2 months getting stronger and better.
I see it, I really do....BUT
I believe he's put in good effort. I believe that he loves me more than anything on this earth. I believe that he wants a better life because in 4 1/2 months he's done nothing but try to have a better life. No fuck ups for 4 1/2 months. Not one. Each decision he makes is only in his best interest. I believe all of that.
But I don't believe it 100%. I want to, trust me I do. I want to believe that he could be the man of my dreams. He might want me to forgive and forget about the last 6 months we were together, but here's the thing. I can forgive, but I'll never forget. If he expects me to forget the way I felt during all of that, I can't and I won't. Those memories and that pain are what keep me smart and are the exact reason why he is not in my life in that capacity already. It was him who said nasty things, it was him who didn't care about me crying - it was him who ultimately made it easy to walk away.
All of it, the anger and the hurt are true warriors to protect me from ever becoming that stupid again. Part of me wants to see where this all goes, but the warrior is standing behind me, ready to strike. Ready to pull my ass out of danger the second things get even remotely fucked up.
He doesn't understand that I've had a taste of what it would be like to be without anyone. I'm ok with never finding Mr. Right. I'm ok with not getting married - hell that's what I prefer anyway and KIDS? Well, they're cool and all, but I don't need to have them. I must be weird because I don't feel the biological clock ticking like a bomb thus leaving me the comfort of not rushing into anything I don't think is right.
But talking to him, seeing him...it does feel right - in the sense that its calming. We click - I know....you get it. You've heard it all.....what doesn't feel right is the fact that because of what happened, no one likes him. Well they like him, but they are wary of him and it leaves me feeling unsettled. My family and friends are important and so are their opinions. I could certainly do the Romeo & Juliet thing and ignore everyone and be with my loved one, but see...they ended up dead. So. Not. Cool.
My mother: "I understand how you two got along and the connection you had, but you are so well rounded. You can walk into a room and pick up on any conversation - you can talk about anything and be around anyone - opera, sports, the arts, everything. What I don't understand is how you two got along when he isn't that capable."
She's right. I need someone who challenges me mentally (and physically wink wink). And I NEVER thought I'd EVER say this, but it is in fact hard to meet a decent guy. Low lifes are a dime a dozen, you hear them hooting and whistling enough times and you become immune. I'm talking, nice looking, good job, funny, athletic men. They don't exist. Or at least they do and they are taken.
Right now I'm used to no male companionship. I'll continue to talk/see Ted because if he has in fact changed, then I need to look no further - but I'm not convinced he's made of the tough enough stuff to really over come those demons. He's done it before, but look, he reverted. Perhaps I am motivation enough, perhaps not. Doesn't matter because its all about reading my gut. Right now, its wary and cautious.
One more thing, sissy, my sissy, wants to me to crash her husbands Christmas party this year and go with her. There is a potential she has spoken to me about - so let's hope he doesn't bring a date. I don't know why, but I have a good feeling about him....its just a matter of being at the right place at the right time. Then I'll meet him, he'll fall madly in love with my vixen like charms and I'll make him mine. Oh yes, he will be mine...........