Friday, March 31, 2006

House/Dog Sitting

This weekend I am house sitting for friends of mine. I'll be making a quick buck, watching a dog and taking a little me time. Not bad right?

I love the people I'm house sitting for...good peeps, but I'm not crazy about the dog and I'm a dog lover. He's just a pain in the ass, but its all good. I'm not complaining. I'm actually in a good mood considering I got NOOOOOOOO sleep. God I wish I was kidding. Check it. I get up to the house in Butler (20 minutes past where I live now). The hostess asked me if I wanted anything (food wise) in the house and I told her that whatever she had was fine...with me so far? She tells me that right now she is on a diet and the house is very "low fat friendly." - again, not a problem - the Mer could use to lose a few pounds....so I walk the dog, get settled in and decide I have a few hours to kill before all the Thursday night shows start. I throw in "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory" (w/ Johnny Depp) and relax. Twenty minutes into the movie Mer is CRAVING chocoloate....good god I have NEVER in my whole life wanted chocolate so bad....I look in the fridge...nothing but weight watcher lasagna, milk, eggs, low fat bread, water and OJ. I turn to the cabinets....same thing - all low fat stuff, pretzels, bland cereal....I'm ready to punch myself in the neck. I start pawing at my skin, clawing myself for a measly little piece of chocolate thinking to myself "What kind of dieter is she if she doens't have a stash!!!" So I did what any self respecting girl in my position would do.....I poured myself a glass of wine.

It happens.

BUT the story doesn't end there....no sleep occurred. I had a nice little buzz going on, but animal kingdom wouldn't stay quiet...nope. The dog wouldn't stop moving on the bed, the ferret kept making noices on his stupid wheel.....the train station across the street had a freight come through about 1:30 a.m......adn then the bar next door closed leaving all the drunks to meander out of there at their leisure hooting and hollaing at the top of their lunch. Oh brother.

Oh yeh, we gots a cranky Mer on our hands today. I'm all puffy and gross...but life is still good. I'm still happy.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Reconnecting

We are all at an age that this has occurred at least once and the moment it happens, it stops us dead in our tracks and instantly brings us back down memory lane. It’s the inevitable “running” into someone from the past, sometimes its good, sometimes its bad….way bad.

For a few weeks now, I’ve had random dreams about my ex-husband and sure enough, my dreams were right. Last week I was at the gym kicking ass on the elliptical trainer. At 31 minutes I was telling myself to go for 40….and then I look up at the door, low and behold, my ex walks in. I have no issues seeing him, we don’t hate each other, but I’m not about to run into him all sweaty and gross, Oh hell to the no!! You ladies out there know EXACTLY what I’m talking about too. I did find solace in the fact that he’s losing his hair, but I digress.

I should have known I was on a roll with bumping into people. Last week I was on MySpace looking at profiles of people from school and sure enough, The Fisch was there. First reaction? OMFG. Second reaction, “do I email him or let it go?” – Life is too short so I emailed him and to my pleasant surprise, he not only remembers me, but he was forthcoming with his sentiments about our friendship back then. Awesome.

Steve, better known to the world as The Fisch, was a year older than me in High School and although I knew “of” him, we weren’t exactly friends. He was by far a little intimidating since he was older – definitely loud, sometimes crude, but also one of the funniest people I have ever met in my life – God I remember him walking the halls singing the Archie Bunker song. I’m laughing now reminiscing about it.…..and how I met him, was completely unexpected. I met him as a result of the school play – a knock off of Robin Hood, Men in Tights – I shit you not.…..one word: classic. I am going to quote Steve here about how we met, “you walked into my life when that giant band room door swung open. The next thing I knew, I was agreeing to sing songs to impress you.”

Everybody in unison, “Awwwwwww…..”

That’s right, Steve played Friar Tuck and somehow, someway, he was coerced into singing a song….rather badly, but again, hysterical and fitting for him. What song? “In the middle of the night,” by Billy Joel. God that was funny, I wish I could get my hands on a copy of the play. My role? I was one of Robin’s merry men, which afforded us loads of time backstage to goof off and get in loads of trouble. Jesus, we were told to shut up one too many times for laughing. Yeh, it was easy to get in trouble with Fisch, he provided countless hours of entertainment.

Eventually, during the play we formed a relationship…get your minds out of the gutter, we were friends, we both had significant others. His girl, don’t quite remember her name, went to DePaul High School and she was for lack of a better word, a bitch. She hated me before even knowing me….oh well. I myself was dating the guy who I would later marry….go figure.

My memories of Steve are all good ones. But I’d be stupid not to admit that there wasn’t some kind of mutual feeling lurking in the background reeking havoc on our adolescent hormones. His humor was a shot gun to my heart and to this day, he is by far one of the funniest people I know, well with the exception of my friend Chris…..and yeh, JD cracks me up too, but don’t tell him that, it will go straight to his head. (God I’ve never met someone so in love with themselves. LOL).

So here I am, reconnected with an old friend and I have to say, I’m excited. I’ve already learned that he’s married, owns his own business and has a little girl. Awww sweet. He also keeps in touch with a few people from high school and I’ve been invited to a poker tournament….yeh, one thing, I don’t know how to play poker, so basically I’m going there to lose $100 and get loaded….like that’s any different than any other weekend in my life.

MySpace…..its power ceases to amaze me everyday.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Rolling the Dice

Do you do this or am I alone? In my mind I’ll have conversations with people – stop it, I’m not schizoid, I mean I go over in my head how to prepare myself for a conversation that “might” happen…it can be something as trivial as how I’ll exchange an item of clothing at the store, talking to my boss, or how I’ll break it to a friend how they’re being a pain in my ass, but namely its when I have to speak to someone about my feelings (yuk) that these conversations will take hold of my imagination. I try to gauge what will be said and how the conversation will proceed….I imagine if it goes in this direction what I’ll say, and if it heads in the other direction, what I should articulate. I’m not very good at putting my feelings to words unless I’m prepared…or I’m writing.

In any given situation when I have to “feel,” - its there looming, blindsiding me and I can’t help but get defensive about what sentiment I’m experiencing at that moment in time if I’m not prepared – its hard for me to take that innate step back and think fast. Being defensive is an automatic mechanism of mine and I wind up ultimately sounding like a stupid little girl, thus my preparation of the delusional conversation in my imagination to avoid that embarrassment. Later on I’ll go over the conversation in my head and 50 other things will pop up that I “should” have said. Urgh.

That’s why I like to write. I can formulate my idea and see it clearly in my head. Its easier to write a letter or an email than sit face to face and tell someone how I feel – I’m a girl, I should want to talk about feelings and all that bullshit, but instead I run for the hills. Well……unless I’m giving them the heave ho, then I would rather look them in the eye, I might be confused, but I’m not a douche, give me some credit here.

Its funny because I have no problem telling someone they are a dick, yet I have issues relating to someone I like them. God its awful looking someone in the eye and exposing my soft underbelly, because in reality, who wants to put themselves out there for ultimate disappointment? At least I can take rejection better if the person can’t see the hurt on my face – is that cowardly or a calculated plan for self preservation? I guess its like beauty – in the eye of the beholder.

For me, I’ve been hurt in a way that I didn’t think I could recover from, two men in my life that I have cared deeply for have disappointed me, they let me down. Fact: I give and I love greatly, never have I heard a complaint in that department, but take me for granted and its “see ya.” Something they both learned the hard way. I don’t know what was harder, leaving them or having to come to terms with the fact that they weren’t who I thought they were. Now I’m left with chancing that emotion again, do I welcome my arms to the inevitable disappointment new relationships bring? It’s a 50/50 shot right? Unfortunately, talking about “my feelings” has me reeling and insecure. How do you know its ok to open up again? Can you trust those same instincts that got you into trouble before? Or was it ignoring vital gut signs that got me into it in the first place? It’s probably why I’ve picked apart every man I’ve met in the last 6 months. I haven’t allowed anyone in and that scares me, but the good news is, I’m learning and it’s evident in recent behavior.

Now you’re asking, am I commitment phobic? Record would lead you to believe that, but honestly, you get hurt bad enough and it’s the first gut reaction you have – push them away, keep them at arms length for a quick exit, but I’m taking steps….baby steps. I’ll admit, I can’t let go of my walls, I need to have barricades and skepticism. They warm me like a fire retardant blanket covering me from harm, but one cannot let those things suffocate and alienate. Nope, that would have me living in an apartment with 3 cats in no time.

And as I’ve learned recently, counseling with friends is never the answer because everyone’s opinion is different…..god that’s so true. Your friends are your friends and they only want what is best for you, but in reality, they are not the ones to ultimately live with the choices you make. They aren’t the ones who shed the tear and endure the pain. Don’t you just wish there was a dating guide book? I’ve heard of these supposed unspoken “rules” that people apparently follow, like guys don’t call for 3 days – what is that? Or how about waiting for him to make the first move – come on now, life is too short for bullshit….but I digress.

So I have my conversations in my mind. Sometimes I play devil’s advocate, sometimes its pure fantasy and daydreaming, but I don’t get lost in it. I can’t. The reality of the fact is, I can prepare all I want, but until I’m in that situation, I don’t know how life will take its course. I don’t know if he, she or it will reciprocate anything I say or feel. It’s all a gamble and opening up is the only way to figure out if I’ll hit the mother load or crap out. I guess at some point we all just have to suck it up and roll the dice.

Friday, March 24, 2006

I'm lame

My apologies. I have been absent but not because I don’t love you, its just that I don’t have anything to really report. For those who are avid readers and will send me emails, I’ve given them full disclosure on my love life and what is up with that, but otherwise, I don’t want to write about anyone until I know they are either:

A) someone I’m serious about and worth writing about because as soon as I write about them, they wind up being a douche bag.
B) Someone who I have already dated and it didn’t work out.

For now, those are the simple rules. I wish I could write more, but I’m tired of my own drivel.

On another note, I have no idea if the family is moving to Atlanta. Right now my sister’s position in the company is sealed and ready. Her husbands’ position though still needs to be approved by the board. Once that is done and the contracts have been sent, then its all good and they’ll be well on their way down, but until then, we are at a stalemate.

I myself am now considering leaving. I love my friends, but other than that….there really isn’t much to stay here for. I’m not dating anyone, my job is “ok,” it leaves me very unfulfilled so I might as well make the transition. I can always come back I guess. We’ll see….no use worrying about it for now, but recently I’ve been feeling like I need a change and this just might be it. We’ll see. We’ll see.

Other than that, I’m very boring right now. Extremely. Oh sure I’m still partying it up having a grand ol’ time, but I don’t want to write about men so, well this is all I got. I’m sure I’ll have stories for ya in a few days.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I'm Bored

It is common knowledge that I have a lot of time on my hands at work. Some would even venture to call me a lucky bitch - my take on it? I'm not complaining - hell if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But let me clear this up, being bored is no fault of my own either. I do my work, I just do it rather efficiently....yep I'm da bomb, but that's neither here nor there.

Truth be told though, sometimes I'd rather stick a fork in my eye for entertainment value than sit here and do nothing for another 8 hours. I literally have spent ENTIRE days sitting here, surfing the net, paying bills and emailing. MySpace does poise some distractions (read: corny surveys), but I'm getting a little spent on the surveys and crap and I'm tired of putting my thoughts and feelings out there on the blog. I'm at a point where I actually help my good friend Chris book his leisure travel. Today, I'm helping him shop for digital cameras (if anyone has a recommendation I'm listening).

So I call on you, my friends, to help a sista out. Do you have a blog or website that is a MUST read? Do you have any links to something that will keep a gal like me entertained? I am an avid reader of a few websites as is, but they aren't updated on a constant basis. For this information I will be truly indebted to you.

In return, I give you a few good reads: Jason Mulgrew and Tucker Max. Pure gems if you have a sick sense of humor like myself.

A quick background:

Jason Mulgrew he actually started a blog about two years ago and from that he's gained a little following and is now writing pilot shows for two networks. His earlier stuff is much funnier, probably because back then he had the time and didn't give a rats ass what he put up. Basically he's overweight, drinks a ton, smokes the silly stuff, eats and beats off a lot. Sick dude - good read. Find him at http://www.jasonmulgrew.com/main/

Tucker Max I wouldn't be surprised if you've already heard of him. He's been around awhile and he honestly doesn't give a shit. He's actually quite intelligent thus his ability to not have a normal 9-5 job in years. I can't explain him better than his website but the stories he's posted - OMG, truly hysterical. I recommend the Famous Sushi Pants Story and Tucker Tries Butt Sex; Hilarity Ensues. He's just published another book "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell," which is actually available on Amazon.com and at Barnes and Nobles. Not bad right? Check it out. http://www.tuckermax.com/

For something a little more serious, but still entertaining, I recommend Stephanie Klein. She has had a blog for a few years and best way to describe her - she's very "Sex in the City" - she's landed herself 2 book deals and now does it full time. Her insight and insecurity is refreshing to say the least because its honest, straighfoward, and compelling. Actually if you know my full name, google it, I was quoted in the NY Times regarding this blog. http://stephanieklein.blogs.com/

Anyway, hook it up and send me some links for a good read, games, funnies anything you truly find worth looking at. Or email me, yeh, that works too. You'll be helping me out in epic proportions.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

This Isn't 7th Grade Anymore

I write best about love, relationships, and heartache, is it because I think I’m pretty in touch with myself and what goes on around me or is it because I’m a people watcher noticing other people’s indiscretions? Or do I analyze because of insecurity? Yeh sure, I might get insecure, but don’t we all? Don’t we all question our actions at some point in time?

As we get older we are more on the fence, our decisions have greater consequences, its not like when we were young and in 7th grade. Sure at that point we would just DIE if our crush knew we liked them, but at the same time, it was ok that your crush knew. It was ok to write “I heart Gary” on your notebook because we had that shred of hope that they would reciprocate. When did things become so hard? When did we make this transition that in our heads we feel obligated to play “the game?”

Remember those days of writing notes and passing them to one another? Now we email – we hide behind emails and comments. What about having a friend get the 411 on whether or not someone liked you. God forbid that happened now! You’d be viewed as an insecure outcast.

Or how about phone calls? Remember those? Remember giving a boy/girl your number and getting so excited to be on the phone with them? Getting to know them – their likes and dislikes, what they did for fun, what sports they played, who they knew? Just getting to know through talking.

The innocence of it all, those were the days. The days that you knew when a boy teased you and pulled your pigtails, it was because he liked you. He was shy about how he felt and his face would get red. Now its an achievement just to get him to acknowledge an emotion other than horniness.

So sad that the purity of courtship we fundamentally hold close to us when we are young gets lost in the adult insecurities of games, emails, phone tag and disappearing acts. I know that as adults our priorities shift, our focus is elsewhere, its tough enough to figure out where you are in the world let alone trying to figure out how another person feels about us. Its such a sticky situation to feel trapped in the “don’t know” phase….because all you are left to do is over analyze. I hate that part.

It all shifted at some point. It all changed and became real, too real.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Reaping the Benefits

At some point in our lives we have all been through the relationship ringer. For some of us it happened early in life, others late in life, or perhaps its happening at this very moment. And then there are some of us who never really learn to get away from that turbulent lifestyle. For me it was the last long relationship that really took its toll on me. It was the catalyst that kept me from dating for well over 8 months…hey it happens…but I wouldn’t be where I am today had I not learned from it.

See, the way I see it is this, its a matter of whether or not we lick our wounds and let them heal properly or if we advertise our scars wearing them like some metal of relationship honor saying “Fuck You” to all those who dare to enter our inner realm of the relationship kingdom. Will we react with bitterness or move on knowing its all part of the grand scheme? We all decide whether or not we will continue on and put ourselves out there to love again. We select if we are going to keep allowing dysfunctional people to come into our lives and reek havoc on our souls. Only few of us are smart enough to learn from each experience and move on. Let’s be honest, perhaps we ourselves were the reason why the relationship failed, yet we blame the other party. You have to take a step back and realize that we are human and it takes two to make a relationship work. Grow and learn, it’s the only healthy thing to do otherwise the vicious cycle re-invents itself.

This last time around, I know it wasn’t me that was fucked up, but I was stupid to stay as long as I did….. shame on me. I was foolish and at first I got down on myself for the decisions I made, however it became liberating to know that I was the one who chose to change. I was the one who wanted out and I was the one to make it happen. From there I was able to move on and be me - do me. I was the reason to move on and now that I look back, who I was a year ago is a shadow of the strong individual I am standing here today.

I’m not the smartest person in the world, I’ve never claimed to be, but I give myself props because I think I am definitely ahead of the game now because I know my self worth. I know who I am and I make no bones about me. Its funny, I had this conversation with my friend K last week and I told him, “Hey I’m not conforming to someone else. If they like the beat of my drum, they are more than welcome to march along. I can only hope that their beat is in sync with mine.”

My point is we pick how we will move on, how we’ll deal and cope with life as a result of a break up. We are responsible for ourselves and the path we travel. I myself took time away and now that I’m dating again, I find it much easier to read my gut and make better decisions. I am my number one priority. Not many have made it past a third date with me not because I’m afraid or I have an agenda against men, its simple - I’m not wasting their time or mine, but I will say this, whoever that lucky son of bitch is, he’ll be the one to truly reap the benefits of my new cohesive attitude. There is tranquility within me that wasn’t there before. I am no longer in a rush for anything, its day by day, one moment of life at a time - now I actually stop to smell the roses. I’m not looking for perfection because I am not even close – I’m looking for more like a best friend to make out with at the end of the day (Yum). Someone to share moments with whether it be a stroll in the park, a movie on Friday night or a sporting event, as long as I have someone to snuggle up to at the end of the night, I’m a satisfied camper. Finding the right person is hard, but when we mature and discover our mistakes, it’s the next person in line who is truly rewarded.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Thanks, But No Thanks.

Despite the weekend I had, I’m still not in the best of moods. I can’t help it, its like no matter what I go through, no matter what happens or the steps I take to better myself and my life – nothing ever works out. Nothing and I’m tired. So tired.

I put up this strong fa├žade for everyone – the full tough girl act like nothing bothers me when in reality, a lot bothers me. I never complain to anyone and if I do, I don’t complain to the same people. Only this site. This site is the only outlet I have.

Tired. Very very tired of all the same shit happening like some crazy life carousel. Round and round, up and down go the elements of my life. One horse represents family, another horse represents my career, another one my love life and another one money. Round and round up and down but nothing ever tapers off to a constant medium. Never.

When I think I finally have an answer to any one of those elements, I get thrown from the horse and I have to start all over again. I am a survivor, and I know that eventually something has to give, but honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. How much longer can I keep pushing on? Atlanta is starting to look better and better.

Yes, its looking like they are all moving to Atlanta. We’ll have the final decision next week and then the ball will start rolling. My parents have decided no matter what happens with Atlanta, they are moving. They are done living in this area and want out. And last night, we had to put our dog of 15+ years down so my mother is ready for a change. I know a dog shouldn’t be a catalyst for change, but we got Cassie when she was a pup, she grew up in the house and now she’s gone, it’s the end of an era.

Changes are amongst us.

Now I know I’ve complained about money before, but now its gotten worse. My father’s commute to work is costing him about $30 a day. He's already started to look for something closer to home, but at 61 years old, its not like everyone is knocking themselves out to hire him. To help out, I’ve been paying their bills. I know as a good daughter its my duty to help out, I understand, it just sucks because it puts my life on hold. I love my parents and I really wish I could make it all better for them. I really do. I wish I made more money so I could help them even more, but I don’t.

And I’m tired of meeting men who are either in love with me and I’m not really into them or meeting a guy, getting excited that he might actually have something to offer, and then wham. No mas.

I talk to friends about my problems and issues, but some of them are so self absorbed that after a few minutes, they are telling me all about their problems. I don’t mind a change of subject, but I don’t want to talk about YOU anymore. I have my own problems. I feel like I sit there and listen to everyone else SO much that when I talk about myself, I’m being selfish so I wind up shutting up.

Sigh.

Atlanta really is starting to look better and better. I’ve rebuilt my life twice in three years, its starting to look like I’ll be doing it yet again. Urgh. Thanks, but no thanks.

Monday, March 13, 2006

GO Hard Or Go Home - A Diatribe from Captain Insano

Oh good lord my liver hates me…..I wouldn't be surprised if it went on strike. Seriously, at some point Saturday night it told me to fuck off.

Crazy weekend? Um…uh – YES! I don't even know where to begin…..but I'll suck it up and try.

Originally I planned on staying in Thursday, but since I had Friday off, why not just go out for a little while and then head home around 11? Not a bad plan right?

Well.

At 11:00 p.m. I was not in bed like anticipated, I was on stage singing in a karaoke contest. I should mention here that I had no intention of being in said contest and nor did I think I was up to par to even be part of it…..but like most things in my life, I said, "What the hell," and gave it a whirl. By 2:00 a.m. I had not only been on stage for a minimum of four songs that night, I had also won the contest. That's right beotches, I won. GO ME!!!

Friday all day, I was stuck on stupid as a result of lack of sleep and a slight hangover. (Who woulda thunk it?) I was looking forward to a mellow evening opting to not contact anyone to do anything. Did that happen? Wait, better question, does anything in the life of Mer ever go according to plan? Um – no.

One thing you should know about me, I'm a trooper. I won't complain much and not much keeps me down. So when the bat signal went out to meet up with Justin, I got on the horn, plans were made and the night began. I called up Nicole because we were just talking about how we haven't hung out, we grabbed some eats, had a few cocktails and headed out to meet up with him. And to be honest, I had a great time chilling with Mr. Justin and his crew…..it was for a lack of better description – insane. Oh boy yes, it was out of control…..and fun. I could get in a lot of trouble with that kid.
Yo Justin – think you could handle a round two!?!?! LOL.

Of course I didn't get home early like I was supposed to. Why? Because I'm an asshole and that's what assholes do. BUT I will say this, even though I got home at about 4:30 a.m., I was still on time and ready to bring my sister and brother-in-law to the airport….JFK. I might be an asshole, but I'm a reliable one at that.

Now you're thinking, "Oh Mer, you had to have stayed in Saturday night." Oh noooooo!!!! Nope. What's my motto people? Go hard or go home. I had plans for a bar crawl, and a bar craw I did. By 11:30 I had hit 4 bars with the intention of going to a strip club (Satin Dolls) as our final destination. I've never been to one so I was psyched and so were my friends ….but of course when we got there, the cover was way over what anyone was willing to pay…..so that idea was 86'd right fast. Which I guess was ok, I didn't have a male specimen to abuse after the club so it would have been a nil point. I'll wait until I have someone to go with who wouldn't mind being my toy for an evening. Opps, did I just say that?

My friends and I just wound up going to a club that played the most god awful guido music. And don't get me started on the guidos themselves – I almost punched one in the baby maker, but that's another story. By 2:00 a.m. I had had enough and went home. I was finally done.

But the weekend did not end there, I had a Christening and then dinner at a friends house Sunday. To be perfectly dead ass, I don't remember much of yesterday because I was consciously comatose for the better part of it. But I want to thank Troy and Carrie for their hospitality. That was the most awake I was all day.

Hey it happens and I'm not complaining.

To any and all people I saw this weekend. Thank you. My liver is flipping you the bird, punching me in the stomach and screaming obscenities like a mo fo, but hey, I had a good time and that's all that matters. Sweet.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Dreams

Dreams – they can tell you so much about what is going on your life should you take the time to interpret them. I know what is going on during waking hours. I know I feel the stress, I can feel the anxiety tingle my spine and synapse the very tendrils of my skin. But when I’m asleep, there are no boundaries to what I think about, what I will push through from the pitch darkness of my subconscious mind. You can’t push out the anger and frustration like you do when your awareness is keen, instead it seeps through and comes out as a tragic vision when your eyes are closed.

Up to this point I really thought that I loved Ted more than anyone I had ever loved….but we all know this isn’t true. Instead I looked at him as only I wanted to see him, not as the confused malfunctioning boy he truly was. I know that now and it took strength, a close call with reconciliation and time, yes lots of time, to finally see it all very clearly.

You would think that I would dream about him once in a while. You would think that conceivably I would harvest anger, resentment, regret or any variation of loss after all is said and done, but I don’t. Not at all. I can bravely say that I do not think about him in any loving shape, matter or form. What an odd thing to think about right?

But I’ll tell you how I came upon this epiphany. Most likely as a result of the stress I’ve been enduring lately, I have been dreaming the most odd ball dreams lately. Now I’ve always had a vivid imagination, I’ve always had astounding dreams, this is not new, but the subject material is.

In the past 7 or so days, I’ve had at the very least, three dreams about my ex-husband. Someone who during waking hours I don’t give a second, let alone a first thought about. Its odd and its bizarre.

Last night/this morning I had a dream I was on a cruise ship (I seem to have many dreams about cruise ships), and in my dream it was assumed that I was with family on this cruise. In fact I do remember having dinner with my parents in one aspect of the dream. In my dream, on more than one occasion, I walk up a set of stairs into the dining room where my ex-husband is standing at a table for two with champagne, light pink/whitish roses and he’s instructing a violinist to play a song when I come. But each time (3 in total), I come early and ruin the surprise. And my ex is smiling. I don’t speak to him, I don’t sit down for dinner, I barely acknowledge him and then I’m either at another area of the ship, or I’m with my parents.

In an effort to understand any of this, I’ve located a Dream Moods Dictionary and I will take an ill fated attempt at interpreting this. Wish me luck.

Cruise
To dream that you are on a cruise, represents some emotional journey that you are going through. The dream may also be a pun on "cruising" through situations in your life with ease and little effort

Family
To see your own family in high spirits in your dream, symbolizes harmony and happiness. To see them gloomy, foretells of disappointment and sadness.

Stairs
To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface.

Ex
To dream about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or ex-husband/wife or that you and your ex got back together again, suggests that something or someone in your current life that is bringing out similar feelings you felt during the relationship with your ex. The dream may be a way of alerting you to the same or similar behavior in a current relationship. What you learn from that previous relationship may need to be applied to the present one so that you do no repeat the same mistake. Alternatively, past lovers often highlight the positive experiences you had with that person. In particular, to see your ex-husband/wife in your dream, indicates that you are finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable. Alternatively, seeing your ex in your dream also signifies aspects of yourself that you have x'd out or neglected.

Champagne
To see the opening of a bottle of champagne, is symbolic of a sexual act. It is also representative of a celebration or a personal achievement that you are proud of.

Roses
To see roses blooming in your dream, signifies faithfulness in love and the arrival of a much joyous occasion. Roses also symbolize love, passion, femininity, and romance, particularly if they are red roses. If you see a white rose, then it symbolizes virginity, pureness, and secrecy. It you see a yellow rose, then it refers to infidelity or jealousy.

Violin
To see or hear a violin in your dream, symbolizes peace and harmony in the family.

Parents
To see your parents in your dream, symbolizes both power, shelter, and love. You may be expressing your concerns and worries about your own parents. Alternatively, it represents the merging of the female and male aspects of your character.

I don’t know exactly what to think. I have all this stress, yet somehow my dreams are telling me that I have a greater understanding of myself? I’m making peace with myself? I’m seeing something in my current relationship that reminds me of my old one? Wait – I’m not in a relationship? What is that? Am I projecting what it would be like to be in a relationship?

Yeh…..I don’t know what to think anymore. Here I am in a state of panic over just about everything in my life....but in some capacity, I know I am doing the right thing. My decisions are not rash decisions, I've put a lot of thought and I'm reading my gut as much as I can. That's all I can do for now. I have to learn to relax and roll with the punches. I'm learning....slowly but surely.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Rough Waters Ahead

This week is going to be a rough one I can feel it in my bones already. Its that looming unforgiving doom that nestles itself in your head as you fall off to sleep – you just know something is off. Something is amiss.

Dead tired, I lay there last night trying desperately to drift off to sleep, my mind was racing. It wouldn’t stop, I couldn’t get off topic no matter how hard I tried…the same things kept popping into my head. Round and round they went in their malicious cycle.

Part of my issue is that I am way too hard on myself about life. Nothing in particular, simply life itself. I don’t forgive for the time wasted and the laziness I feel. I want to push myself to be more, to do more, but the setbacks I keep enduring are killing me and then I obsess over them. I obsess over having an extra helping at dinner, I obsess over not making it to the gym, I obsess over conversations with friends - replaying everything in my mind like some bad "B" movie.

And now, just when I felt like things were starting to take shape, when I thought that my life was slowly getting back on track, more monkey wrenches. More drama, more things to deal with. I know I am a tough cookie – it takes a lot to get me down, but I want to cry. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m tired.

It looks like my sister will be accepting the job in Atlanta – awesome for her. I want this for her and my brother-in-law. But I will miss them. I will miss them so much it hurts. I’ll also miss out on seeing my nephew grow up, I won’t be there for so much – will he remember who I am each time I visit, or will I be the scary lady that he runs from?

As discussed, my parents will be going as well. This is a great move for them which will help them financially and mentally. I want this for them as well because it is too good of an opportunity for them to pass up. It would mean so much more for them….but that is for them. Not me.

Yes I want to stay in Jersey. I know it might sound absurd, but I do. I am keeping an open mind about Atlanta, but at the same time, I’m not ready to leave Jersey. It doesn’t feel right for me to go, I feel like I have unfinished business. I feel like I haven’t given it all a good enough shot. I haven’t finished school, I haven’t even followed any of my own dreams. I’m 29, its do or die time.

But if I stay behind, then I have to get a second job – not a big deal, but that means I would have to have a second job for a very long time, it wouldn’t be for a few months like I’ve done before, it would be a way of life until money issues became easier. Again, not a big deal, but I know I will burn out. I’ve been holding off for a long time, but its shit or get off the pot time.

Plus money is tight right now. Super tight. My father isn’t doing well financially so I’ve had to help them with money – he works, but his new job’s commute is killing him. Its costing $30/day to commute so I’ve taken on a larger role with paying bills and its killing me. I don’t know how I will ever save money for a deposit on an apartment. I’ve been working on moving out for some time now and it doesn’t seem like stuff is coming together like it should. Its very unsatisfying.

And I’m lonely. I know that things take time – and I have NOOOO issues waiting for the right guy to come along, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I would still like to have someone to hug. That would be nice.