Monday, March 06, 2006

Rough Waters Ahead

This week is going to be a rough one I can feel it in my bones already. Its that looming unforgiving doom that nestles itself in your head as you fall off to sleep – you just know something is off. Something is amiss.

Dead tired, I lay there last night trying desperately to drift off to sleep, my mind was racing. It wouldn’t stop, I couldn’t get off topic no matter how hard I tried…the same things kept popping into my head. Round and round they went in their malicious cycle.

Part of my issue is that I am way too hard on myself about life. Nothing in particular, simply life itself. I don’t forgive for the time wasted and the laziness I feel. I want to push myself to be more, to do more, but the setbacks I keep enduring are killing me and then I obsess over them. I obsess over having an extra helping at dinner, I obsess over not making it to the gym, I obsess over conversations with friends - replaying everything in my mind like some bad "B" movie.

And now, just when I felt like things were starting to take shape, when I thought that my life was slowly getting back on track, more monkey wrenches. More drama, more things to deal with. I know I am a tough cookie – it takes a lot to get me down, but I want to cry. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m tired.

It looks like my sister will be accepting the job in Atlanta – awesome for her. I want this for her and my brother-in-law. But I will miss them. I will miss them so much it hurts. I’ll also miss out on seeing my nephew grow up, I won’t be there for so much – will he remember who I am each time I visit, or will I be the scary lady that he runs from?

As discussed, my parents will be going as well. This is a great move for them which will help them financially and mentally. I want this for them as well because it is too good of an opportunity for them to pass up. It would mean so much more for them….but that is for them. Not me.

Yes I want to stay in Jersey. I know it might sound absurd, but I do. I am keeping an open mind about Atlanta, but at the same time, I’m not ready to leave Jersey. It doesn’t feel right for me to go, I feel like I have unfinished business. I feel like I haven’t given it all a good enough shot. I haven’t finished school, I haven’t even followed any of my own dreams. I’m 29, its do or die time.

But if I stay behind, then I have to get a second job – not a big deal, but that means I would have to have a second job for a very long time, it wouldn’t be for a few months like I’ve done before, it would be a way of life until money issues became easier. Again, not a big deal, but I know I will burn out. I’ve been holding off for a long time, but its shit or get off the pot time.

Plus money is tight right now. Super tight. My father isn’t doing well financially so I’ve had to help them with money – he works, but his new job’s commute is killing him. Its costing $30/day to commute so I’ve taken on a larger role with paying bills and its killing me. I don’t know how I will ever save money for a deposit on an apartment. I’ve been working on moving out for some time now and it doesn’t seem like stuff is coming together like it should. Its very unsatisfying.

And I’m lonely. I know that things take time – and I have NOOOO issues waiting for the right guy to come along, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I would still like to have someone to hug. That would be nice.

1 comment:

NCTRNL said...

I guess I had no idea how much you had on your plate...