Monday, March 27, 2006

Rolling the Dice

Do you do this or am I alone? In my mind I’ll have conversations with people – stop it, I’m not schizoid, I mean I go over in my head how to prepare myself for a conversation that “might” happen…it can be something as trivial as how I’ll exchange an item of clothing at the store, talking to my boss, or how I’ll break it to a friend how they’re being a pain in my ass, but namely its when I have to speak to someone about my feelings (yuk) that these conversations will take hold of my imagination. I try to gauge what will be said and how the conversation will proceed….I imagine if it goes in this direction what I’ll say, and if it heads in the other direction, what I should articulate. I’m not very good at putting my feelings to words unless I’m prepared…or I’m writing.

In any given situation when I have to “feel,” - its there looming, blindsiding me and I can’t help but get defensive about what sentiment I’m experiencing at that moment in time if I’m not prepared – its hard for me to take that innate step back and think fast. Being defensive is an automatic mechanism of mine and I wind up ultimately sounding like a stupid little girl, thus my preparation of the delusional conversation in my imagination to avoid that embarrassment. Later on I’ll go over the conversation in my head and 50 other things will pop up that I “should” have said. Urgh.

That’s why I like to write. I can formulate my idea and see it clearly in my head. Its easier to write a letter or an email than sit face to face and tell someone how I feel – I’m a girl, I should want to talk about feelings and all that bullshit, but instead I run for the hills. Well……unless I’m giving them the heave ho, then I would rather look them in the eye, I might be confused, but I’m not a douche, give me some credit here.

Its funny because I have no problem telling someone they are a dick, yet I have issues relating to someone I like them. God its awful looking someone in the eye and exposing my soft underbelly, because in reality, who wants to put themselves out there for ultimate disappointment? At least I can take rejection better if the person can’t see the hurt on my face – is that cowardly or a calculated plan for self preservation? I guess its like beauty – in the eye of the beholder.

For me, I’ve been hurt in a way that I didn’t think I could recover from, two men in my life that I have cared deeply for have disappointed me, they let me down. Fact: I give and I love greatly, never have I heard a complaint in that department, but take me for granted and its “see ya.” Something they both learned the hard way. I don’t know what was harder, leaving them or having to come to terms with the fact that they weren’t who I thought they were. Now I’m left with chancing that emotion again, do I welcome my arms to the inevitable disappointment new relationships bring? It’s a 50/50 shot right? Unfortunately, talking about “my feelings” has me reeling and insecure. How do you know its ok to open up again? Can you trust those same instincts that got you into trouble before? Or was it ignoring vital gut signs that got me into it in the first place? It’s probably why I’ve picked apart every man I’ve met in the last 6 months. I haven’t allowed anyone in and that scares me, but the good news is, I’m learning and it’s evident in recent behavior.

Now you’re asking, am I commitment phobic? Record would lead you to believe that, but honestly, you get hurt bad enough and it’s the first gut reaction you have – push them away, keep them at arms length for a quick exit, but I’m taking steps….baby steps. I’ll admit, I can’t let go of my walls, I need to have barricades and skepticism. They warm me like a fire retardant blanket covering me from harm, but one cannot let those things suffocate and alienate. Nope, that would have me living in an apartment with 3 cats in no time.

And as I’ve learned recently, counseling with friends is never the answer because everyone’s opinion is different…..god that’s so true. Your friends are your friends and they only want what is best for you, but in reality, they are not the ones to ultimately live with the choices you make. They aren’t the ones who shed the tear and endure the pain. Don’t you just wish there was a dating guide book? I’ve heard of these supposed unspoken “rules” that people apparently follow, like guys don’t call for 3 days – what is that? Or how about waiting for him to make the first move – come on now, life is too short for bullshit….but I digress.

So I have my conversations in my mind. Sometimes I play devil’s advocate, sometimes its pure fantasy and daydreaming, but I don’t get lost in it. I can’t. The reality of the fact is, I can prepare all I want, but until I’m in that situation, I don’t know how life will take its course. I don’t know if he, she or it will reciprocate anything I say or feel. It’s all a gamble and opening up is the only way to figure out if I’ll hit the mother load or crap out. I guess at some point we all just have to suck it up and roll the dice.

1 comment:

anne arkham said...

I go over and over conversations in my head, but they rarely turn out the way I plan.