Monday, March 20, 2006

Reaping the Benefits

At some point in our lives we have all been through the relationship ringer. For some of us it happened early in life, others late in life, or perhaps its happening at this very moment. And then there are some of us who never really learn to get away from that turbulent lifestyle. For me it was the last long relationship that really took its toll on me. It was the catalyst that kept me from dating for well over 8 months…hey it happens…but I wouldn’t be where I am today had I not learned from it.

See, the way I see it is this, its a matter of whether or not we lick our wounds and let them heal properly or if we advertise our scars wearing them like some metal of relationship honor saying “Fuck You” to all those who dare to enter our inner realm of the relationship kingdom. Will we react with bitterness or move on knowing its all part of the grand scheme? We all decide whether or not we will continue on and put ourselves out there to love again. We select if we are going to keep allowing dysfunctional people to come into our lives and reek havoc on our souls. Only few of us are smart enough to learn from each experience and move on. Let’s be honest, perhaps we ourselves were the reason why the relationship failed, yet we blame the other party. You have to take a step back and realize that we are human and it takes two to make a relationship work. Grow and learn, it’s the only healthy thing to do otherwise the vicious cycle re-invents itself.

This last time around, I know it wasn’t me that was fucked up, but I was stupid to stay as long as I did….. shame on me. I was foolish and at first I got down on myself for the decisions I made, however it became liberating to know that I was the one who chose to change. I was the one who wanted out and I was the one to make it happen. From there I was able to move on and be me - do me. I was the reason to move on and now that I look back, who I was a year ago is a shadow of the strong individual I am standing here today.

I’m not the smartest person in the world, I’ve never claimed to be, but I give myself props because I think I am definitely ahead of the game now because I know my self worth. I know who I am and I make no bones about me. Its funny, I had this conversation with my friend K last week and I told him, “Hey I’m not conforming to someone else. If they like the beat of my drum, they are more than welcome to march along. I can only hope that their beat is in sync with mine.”

My point is we pick how we will move on, how we’ll deal and cope with life as a result of a break up. We are responsible for ourselves and the path we travel. I myself took time away and now that I’m dating again, I find it much easier to read my gut and make better decisions. I am my number one priority. Not many have made it past a third date with me not because I’m afraid or I have an agenda against men, its simple - I’m not wasting their time or mine, but I will say this, whoever that lucky son of bitch is, he’ll be the one to truly reap the benefits of my new cohesive attitude. There is tranquility within me that wasn’t there before. I am no longer in a rush for anything, its day by day, one moment of life at a time - now I actually stop to smell the roses. I’m not looking for perfection because I am not even close – I’m looking for more like a best friend to make out with at the end of the day (Yum). Someone to share moments with whether it be a stroll in the park, a movie on Friday night or a sporting event, as long as I have someone to snuggle up to at the end of the night, I’m a satisfied camper. Finding the right person is hard, but when we mature and discover our mistakes, it’s the next person in line who is truly rewarded.

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