Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I Abhor Dating

Awful, I feel awful....because I'm acting the EXACT way I didn't want to act toward him. I am the ultimate asshole. Ok, that's stretching it because technically I'm not doing anything wrong, but then why do I not feel good about it? Why do I question myself and not feel right? I feel icky like I betrayed him, yet I haven't done anything wrong. He's not my boyfriend, we are not committed to one another. I haven't wronged him in any way.

I think tonight I should come clean about it all. I should tell him that although I like him, he really does live too far for this to work. Come on now - think about it. I don't see him all week and if I'm going to see him then I have to give up my entire weekend. I can't do that - I'm not ready for a relationship with him and I don't think we have what it takes to go the distance for a this relationship....so there. - does it sound like I'm trying to convince myself? It does right? Why do I feel guilty for not liking him as much? - most likely because my mother has always used guilt against me like any Italian mother would. Its a natural reaction I have when I know I've been dishonest.

Last night I fibbed a little to him. I don't want to see him 4 days in a row and I didn't know how to tell him that. Plus I wanted to make other plans that did not involve him - does that make me a bad person? I feel bad and I shouldn't. I really really need to get the balls and flat out tell him what's up. Its soooo hard to because when I get on the phone with him, I can't do it. I just can't and I've NEVER ever had an issue being honest with anyone despite what the topic is.

Yes, I'm moaning again. I'm totally whining and being a little insecure girl. I'm sorry - its so hard to hurt someone that you don't want to intentionally hurt. Too bad I couldn't write him a letter because then I could just do it and be done with it.

URGH!!!! I sooooo loathe dating.

Monday, January 30, 2006

The Long and Short

The long and short of it all is that I did not talk to Jake about my feelings this weekend. Why? Because I didn't see him face to face and I won't do it over the phone. I just can't do it like that over the phone. Plus I let the cards lie where they fell all weekend. I didn't push anything, I just let it go. Which was a bonus and helped a lot.

Like my mother said, I'm only dating him. He knows that I don't want a relationship, he knows I don't want to be serious - well then there you go. Then again, if I get the chance, perhaps I will talk to him during the week. I mean we didn't see one another all weekend and neither one of us was broken up over it....that's got to say something no?

As you already are aware, this weekend is my birthday and I have many things planned. At first he was to be part of it, but I'm going to have to say neigh neigh to that. I can't be with him from Thursday night through Sunday. No fucking way. If and when we get on the topic, I'll tell him Saturday night is my night out with friends. He'll be cool about it, I know. But here's the other part - someone asked me out today on a date for this Friday. If things weren't already complicated enough.

I'm not one to date a lot. I don't date more than one man, but why not? Why not go on this date Friday?.....because that would mean having to tell Jake something.


I wish I had the balls to talk to him right now and tell him, "Sorry dude, this isn't going to work out." - but when he calls me and I'm like, "he's so nice." - but nice doesn't cut it.

I'm all over the place. Shoot me. Shoot me now.

My new name is Calamity Mer. I should change this site from Finding Mer to Calamity Mer. Yes, that's more fitting right?

Well, if Jake still comes to the party on Thursday night with my co-workers, then he can stay by my place and I'll chill with him all day and tell him I'm going to dinner with my friend who won't be able to take part in Saturday night's festivities. OR, I could come clean about the whole thing.

What will Mer do?????? Will she go with Curtain #1 or Curtain #2???????

Oh fuck.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Planting the Seed

This week I have been rather mellow and withdrawn, introverted so to speak. I haven't been cracking jokes, I haven't been my fun loving self living la vida loca. For reasons I've already divulged to you its been a very solemn week and today really isn't much different. There are certain things that I know I have to take care of and in keeping with that idea I had promised myself and the higher order that last night I would at least give Jake some kind of understanding to what could possibly be bothering me.

At about 7 last night I gave him a call and we had our usual banter of how the day was, what was aggravating/funny or even remotely interesting about our day - his was the same ol same ol. Normally I would wait for an opening to start on the topic that I need to get off my chest, but instead I bit the bullet and got right into it.

Explaining my feelings to someone that I'm not on the same level with has always been difficult and since I broke up with Ted, its only become harder. I studdered, I stammered, I cleared my head, took a deep breath and started from the beginning. I told him about the issues I'm having with my dog, my grandmother, my mother and her slight bought of depression that has been creeping in since the news of my grandmother. He knew that I had goals set for myself for this year and he understands the pressure I'm placing on myself. He understood everything. He sat there and listened giving advice along with a few "yep's" and "I know's." He was nice....very very nice about the whole thing. It killed me more because I knew that I had to give him some kind of understanding that although I have many pressures in my life, that he wasn't exactly scott free.

He had made a comment to me the other day about how his health and everything has suffered a little since he's met me. He's been so excited and caught up in me that he hasn't paid much attention to things he did before he met me....I went with that angle. I told him that I knew what he was talking about because its four weeks into the new year and I haven't begun any of the things I said I would and I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that it had to do with us. It does, that's not a lie. I told him that with everything going on, I'm trying to figure out where he fits in all of it. I told him that I have been honest with him this whole time and I will continue to do so.

However, as great as the conversation was and how much he understood, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I won't be coming up this evening to see him. I backed out. I didn't have the cojonas to do it. I'm an asshole and now I have to do it today.....last minute.

There are a few reasons why I don't want to see him and the biggest reason isn't the selfish one - its actually to protect him. I already know I won't be huggy, touchy, kissy, feely with him - if anything I'll push him away and that would kill him. That would hurt him so much and I can't do that to him. I'm in one of "those" moods. Ever notice that sometimes you just don't want to be bothered? That's me this week, I haven't even been lovey with my parents. Also, I don't want to drive an hour out to see him and act like this - I wouldn't be able to pretend and then things might not go very well. He'll keep asking me if I'm ok and if he did something wrong and then I know me, I'll snap at him and tell him something mean. I don't want to be like that, but when I get irritated, it happens. Plus I think I need time away from him.

This morning I will call him, before he calls me hopefully, and tell him I'm not coming up. I'm going to be honest and tell him its because I'm still in this shit ass mood and it wouldn't be fair to him if I came up there and wasn't myself. PLUS I have to be back in Jersey early and the whole thing would be a wash. I'll suggest meeting up someplace mutual on Sunday. I won't talk to him about "us" until I see him on Sunday. I don't think that I'm being mean if I keep to the truth and the truth is, I'll be weird around him and it will only hurt him. I don't want that. I'll feel trapped, cornered and defensive - all ingredients for a cranky Mer.

I've at the very least planted the seed. He knows I'm not me right now and if I can't get over it by Sunday, then I know what I have to inevitably do. I don't want to, but I don't see how we are going to work out.

My like will never grow into love. There you have it. So simple, yet so very complicated.

Thursday, January 26, 2006


Its been a few days since I last posted and my feelings have not changed, if anything, they've become more clear.

After talking with my friends and giving myself some "alone" time I've come to the conclusion that it is best to be forward and direct with Jake. I should tell him everything.

What I've neglected to tell you all is that I'm actually going through some other personal stuff so these issues with Jake aren't making life any easier. First off, my grandmother - we know she has a form of Dimentia, but now we also believe she's suffered a mini stroke. She's 78 or 79 years old and she's slowly been losing it. Talking to her either exasperates you or makes you angry. My poor mother deals with her the most and its not easy to see your own mother be unhappy. Second, my dog. My wonderful Rotty has a new heart murmur. After $210 already at the vet, I know that his organs aren't in any danger, but after some more testing (more moolah I don't have), I'll know if its the onset of congestive heart failure which I'm almost positive it is.

Lastly, I have a set of goals I want to accomplish in 2006. They are long term goals, but I haven't started not a one. I'm getting down on myself for that, but at the same time I know the only way to do them is to focus on myself and I'm spreading myself thin when I spend time with Jake on the weekends. I need to back off with him. Definitely.

Jake called me a little while ago and he knows something is up. He asked me if everything was ok and I told him that I'm in one of those moods. I told him that I've been very introverted this week because I'm not good at talking about my feelings (with other people that is - and that's truth). I told him that I have a lot on my mind and I'll work up the courage to speak to him about it this evening. I told him that I have a lot of goals set for myself for 2006 (second job, an apartment, pay bills, get on my feet, take some classes and lessons, etc.) and I'm upset that I haven't started any of them yet. I assured him that he hasn't done anything wrong and not to worry.

Later I'll start with telling him about my dog and my grandmother. Then I'll get into the whole 2006 goals and how I really want to focus on those things right now. I'm going to reassure him that he hasn't done anything wrong, but right now I have to focus on me. I might cancel tomorrow night because he isn't feeling well and I'll use this as an opportunity to take a break from him. Perhaps I'll see him Sunday - we'll meet at a mutual location or something. I don't know how that will go over, but I'm going to try and work it in. The good thing is that this isn't B.S. - this is truth - everything I'm telling him is truth. So I don't feel so horrible as I normally would. AND he told me that I can talk to him about anything and he asked again if it was about him. I told him no, its me - that I'm not good about talking about my feelings and I will. I also said, "But I thought I've been very honest with you so far." And he agreed that I have been, so for now its ok. He knows I'm not ready for a relationship, but we are falling into one. I'm very glad that I was honest from the beginning. That I am thankful for.

I feel so mellow and tired today. I'm not even going out tonight (GASP!!) I know this is the right decision, but its making me feel like I have a ton of bricks on my shoulders and until I speak to him, I won't feel any better. I want to speak to him face to face, but to drive an hour just to disappoint someone is no good. I'll get the ball rolling tonight on the phone.....its all in the timing.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Likeable Lost

For the last two and a half days I've had this big weight on my shoulders trying to decide what I was going to do about Jake. Saturday night I began to panic and I didn't understand why. Perhaps it was the L-Bomb he dropped on me that evening, perhaps it was too much time spent with him so fast. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I do know this, I have GOT to talk to him real soon about this before it gets out of hand. We need to have the relationship status talk. I know what I feel, I know what I want and I don't want to hurt him any more than can potentially happen. This weekend I think it would be proper for me to sit him down and figure this all out. I want to continue seeing him, but I don't want to lead him on if he's looking for long term, because I can't give that. I'm in the throws of a panic attack right now writing about it. I've written a little letter to him here, of course it will never see the light of day, but it basically states what I will inevitably have to tell him sooner or later. I will however, talk to him this weekend and if the conversation starts going the "L" bomb route, then I'll have to use this. God I hate this.


In my mind I think you are wonderful. You're sweet, you're kind, you want nothing more than to put a big smile on my face. You have a stable job, you work hard, you enjoy what life has offered you thus far and you don't complain.

My brain, my mind, this cranium of mixed up jumbalaya, puts you in a different catagory than most I've dated. You shine because you are a beautiful person. There is tranquility in your life, and nothing is pretentious about you. You're a regular guy, a normal guys' guy. You're manly, you can use tools the proper way and fix anything, but at the same time, you are a gentle giant.

You are a good man....who deserves more than I have to offer.

You have deep feelings for me that I do not think I can ever reciprocate. I've spoken to you about this before. Its so easy for you to tell me how happy you are, how much you like me, how much your life has changed since I've come into it but I can't repeat those things. I can't openly tell you that I want to be with you or that I miss you. I can't - I'm not wired like that. I've told you that I was not sure what I was capable of. I've even told you that I have a fear of committment - and its not bullshit. I wanted to be honest all because I respect you and who you are to not pull any crap. I don't want to feed you lines that will ultimately hurt you. I could tell immediately that you wanted to be with me so bad. Setting you up with false hope was never my intention and neither is hurting you, but I have a feeling that is inevitable.

In my quest to find myself I may have deviated and taken a few tours. I may have hurt a few people, I know I was definitely hurt a few times myself. I may still be a mixed up little girl who questions every move, who analyzes more than she should, but I do know now how to read my feelings and what I want. I now can recognize gut instinct on a multitude of factors surrounding my life so I say this with absolute confidence - my mind wants you, my heart does not. (ouch - sorry too harsh? Leave that part out?).

If you were to ask me if it was because of any one thing going on in my life or if it was something you did wrong, I would have to say no. I can't blame it on the shit that's happened to me in the past, I can't say its because I "need more time" to heal. I've asked you to back off a little bit and you did, for a while. However, I can honestly say that there is something missing....something that I'm not sure what it is. Am I dead inside? Do I not care enough? Are you giving me everything I need? No, that's not it, I care an awful lot for you and you try to make me very happy. I really do care about you, but its not love. Not the kind of love that would keep us together forever and that's important.

Many years ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine who put things into perspective for me. He laid it all out there very simply and I told myself that I would live by this rule if only for the fact that its the right thing to do. Once you've started dating someone and you know that he/she isn't "it," then its time to move on. Don't waste the other person's time because in the end you'll be saving them a load of heartache. That is how I feel right now. I don't want to waste your time.

I've been fighting these feelings for a little while now and spending an entire weekend with you didn't help. The panic attack on the drive home made that clear. I guess if I think way back to our first date, I probably had this notion, but I wanted to be with someone, I wanted to know what it was like to be cared for again, to be held, to be cherised. I shouldn't have been so selfish because it means hurting you in the end and you don't deserve that. Like I said, my mind wanted it, it wanted it to be you, but the heart tells me otherwise. The heart and the mind have to coincide.

I guess I could take the blase view of it all and say this is part of being in a relationship, but this is the part I hate. Someone gets hurt. I wish it didn't have to be you. You said that you had no expectations, and I wish I could believe that, but I have a feeling you want more and before it gets out of hand, I should do something about it now.

That's as far as I get because I don't know what else to say. How do you tell someone that "yeh, you're great, but I still don't want you." What a difficult position to be in right now. I like him, I'd keep seeing him if I knew that when the time was right I could walk away, but that's not fair to him and I'm not in the business of using people.

There are other factors here on why I don't want to be with him long term. Do I devulge them? Fuck it, I have to get it off my chest:

- First off, I don't think he could ever be intellectually stimulating enough for me. There is nothing I could learn from him that I don't already know - he isn't constantly feeding my mind. I need that.
- He's too vocal about his feelings - I know that sounds crazy, but if I'm not at that level, then it makes me uncomfortable, if anything it pushes me away.
- He lives over an hour away and the commute is starting to wear thin on me.
- Too much time spent with him and I get very antsy, that can't be a good sign.
- I like the way he kisses and I like some things he does, but other stuff isn't hot enough. I'm so sorry about this. I hate to say it and I've overlooked it thinking it would be better, but its not. I know that eventually the sexual part of stuff can wear off later on, but for now, when I want to be passionate and sexed up really good, its not happening. AND I've spoken to him and given pointers, but nope. I don't hold this completely against him. I can't....its not the reason why I would want to break up, let's put it that way.

So there are some of the reasons, that and my heart isn't in it. This is so sad because like I said, my head it there, my heart isn't. Normally its the other way around - I choose the wrong guys because of my heart.....not anymore.

This Friday I will sit him down and talk to him. I've tried before, but this time I will make sure it happens. Wish me luck.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Worst. Date. Ever.

Fucking people suck.

That said......where do I even begin. I had decided to stop meeting people from MySpace back in the beginning of Decemeber. I had met a few guys that didn't pan out for one reason or another, when low and behold I received one last funny email just about the same time I met Jake. We kept in loose contact and he seemed pretty funny, a little pushy, but funny nonetheless. Of course things began to heat up with Jake and this guy, we'll call him Stimpy, (I don't know, it fits). Stimpy finally calls me out and wants to meet - and I'm 100% honest with him telling him I'm already dating someone else. He makes a good case and just says, let's meet.

Fine by me.

Well. Simpy's pictures were all of someone who was pretty shredded and buff - short perhaps, but still, he listed himself as 5'9" and so I went with it. Uh no. If he was 5'5" - I would be surprised. AND he had a pot belly. What is that? PLUS, I think he had a few drinks before we even met. BIG NO NO.

He winds up being this little bull dog with a chip on his shoulder. We talked, we ate, it was ok - and then he knocks my car citing reasons why the Infinity G35 is better than the Nissan 350Z. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? This is the type of shit you want to talk about on a first date? Not only that, but he gets snotty about the whole thing talking like he is the Infinity G35 rep or some shit. Yep, dem is fightin' words. The mother fucker actually looked me in the eye and said, "Do you know who Car and Driver magazine voted number one car two years ago?"

I'm not making this up. I looked him dead in the eye and told him, "I could really give a shit." Then he gets down on me for defending the 350Z AND the car that I drive. The car I've put loads of money into and then he has the balls to tell me I'm getting defensive. I don't about you guys, but when someone attacks anything I love and care about, I'm going to defend it. BUT that isn't even the last of it, I told him him flat out I didn't want to discuss this any longer that the conversation was taking a dive and I would like to talk about something else. HE KEEPS GOING AT ME telling me that I can dish it but I can't take it.

Let's stop right there. I barely spoke - I had to listen to him spew useless garbage and when I tried to talk, he interrupted.

Loser. He even berrated me via text messaging Friday and Saturday and THEN he also sent me two more emails. These are his two emails, verbatim and then my response. I lied a little of course about having a nice time, but I wanted to stick it to him.

First email: hey girl...how was the 101?? it was definitely an interestingtime last night. i think you're a cool chick... but it seems like you get defensive way to easily, and misconstrued a friendly debate of subjective opinions. i wasnt bashing YOUR car... i was stating my personal preference. if you can't understand where i was coming from - then oh well. sometimes you gotta just take a deep breath & chill...i'm sure if you need to take one or two - you can find a pill.

Second Email: sooooooo... r u not replying b/c you're sooo damn busy at work... or is your seaweed in a bundle??!! i have a feeling it's the latter, not the former ;-) hence my observation about you was correct. easily frazzled & extremely defensive b/c of past relationships. you gotta get over the past b/4 you can move into the future... is your seemingly coolness a facade?? or did you just have an off night?? you can't fake bein cool... and trust me girlie - i ain't no fool

My Response: Despite any differencing of opinions, I still had a good time. For your information, I left work at 9:00 a.m. on Friday. I was actually up for chilling with you one more time because "what if" it was just an offnight. Honestly, you and I had some pretty funny emails going and that my friend was a breathe of fresh air. But after reading the last two emails....and seeing how fast you are to judge. I'll pass. A small misunderstanding and whoops, look who got defensive.Thanks again for Thursday evening, be well and good bye.

Dude can't let it go. He's already responded to my email with a five paragraph dissertation. I have yet to read it because - why bother? Its him basically getting his panties in an uproar. Listen Stimpy - take off your panties and spit on them. Let it go. Let it go bro.

After that catastrophe, I did what The Cat would do - I went out with my friends.

At dinner I had two Cosmopolitans. Not bad. I took about 20 minutes to a half hour break between drinks at dinner and then I took another break before I met up with my friends at the 101 where I consumed another two drinks and one shot. All in all I drank for 5 1/2 hours, had only 4 drinks and one shot.....yet I got so bombed that the next day was a living disaster. I was so hungover that I had to leave work at 9. I could not stop throwing up.

I threw up 11 times. ELEVEN!!!!!!

People, I've gotten drunk before, I've had double that amount and been fine, but this one time, the alcohol must have hit me the wrong way because I wanted to die on Friday. Death could not take me fast enough....I had no business trying to go to work, I should have stayed home, but I try to be a trooper. Yeh, next time (which I pray there is NEVER a next time), I will stay home. I swear, I didn't even feel that bad going home from the 101 and I have been cursing myself out ever since. So not cool. So not cool on so many levels.

I have more to write about the weekend and that post will come later on because its a tough one to write for so many reasons. Yes, it has to do with Jake.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Complete Ass

No post today due to brain hemorrhaging.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Lots of Stuff Today

Lots of stuff to touch upon today. So let's get started shall we? First, special thanks to Trixie (on the left) because she's helping me plan my birthday party. That's right, yours truly (on the right) is turning the big 29 come February 4th. Every year something goes wrong for my birthday - its inevitable. Although something will most definitely go wrong this year too, she's trying to make it a good one. LOVE YA BABE!!!!


Now yesterday I was in a tizzy (what else is new) and because of my issue I went to a very wise and powerful woman for advice......my mother. That woman, is good, let me just tell you. A little background info - in all of my past relationships, I was the giver. I was the one who took care of everything accepting only a little in return. George, my first real love, was the only guy that I've ever dated who wasn't like that....and of course he met his fate with one quick blow. SHAZAAM!! Gone. Since him, I've been the nurturer, I've been the one to take charge, I've also been with people who have presented challenges....and we all know, I'm all about the challenge, I get bored so easily.

Jake is the first guy to have his shit together. My exhusband had his shit together in the respect that he had a job, helped fix stuff around the house, did his family obligations, but I did everything else. We don't need to get into more than that, but there were always issues, same thing with Ted.

This is the first time, in a long time, I can breathe easy and that my friends is very very new to me. I'm not used to it. I'm not used to someone who is so independent and....well grown up. Its really nice and I have to remember that. I can't say that I'm 100% cured or anything, I am after all a wreck and a work in progress. I hope this guy does teach me to let down my guard - I'm anxiety ridden over committment issues, but I'm willing to work through them.

Go me.

And go him.

HOWEVER, (come like I was going to let things end so easily), I am not exclusive.....yet. And this new guy is worth at least meeting. I don't want to play with fire - I've said this before and I don't want to hurt anyone. The new guy knows that I'm "involved" and like he said, just meeting won't hurt nothing.

Isn't that how it all starts? Innocently? We'll see - I'll keep you updated.....because I love you.


Another note - has anyone been watching Idol? Good god - I am ALL about The Idol. I fucking love that show and I can't wait for next week. If you love Idol like I do, please email me.


Remember this post about meeting this guy? I told you the story and I'm sure everyone got a chuckle or two from it. But I didn't tell you the WHOLE story and I think I'm ready to do so. Its a bit of a doozy, but good god, you guys are going to love it....because its a disaster.

From the post about our date, you know that we had a good time. You know that we did a little kissy kiss in the car after the date. What you don't know is this......when we got to my car (it was raining), he hoped in and we were talking....talking led to lots of kissing. Yes I got felt up, but I kept my hands to myself - for the most part. Then I drove him to his car to kind of break things up a bit because it was getting intense. He then proceeded to ask me if I'd get in his car. Uh no. I was trying to leave but he was a good kisser and of course, we kissed some more. At one point he made a comment about my breasts (like who doesn't??? Duh.) and in true Mer fashion I grabbed them and said, "What these breasts?" - his response - "Oh, don't do that. Antonio likes it when you grab your breasts."

Let's stop right there. Normal women would have seen this as a red flag, but Mer is a little naive and played into it and of course did it again and laughed her little evil laugh. Mooooha ha ha ha ha.

Wrong move.

He made a comment about touching himself and the way he said it and how he said it, had me believing it was a joke. I SWEAR TO GOD, I looked out the window for a split second, next thing I know - his johnson is in his hand.

You can't make this shit up.

"Look at the time. I gotta go." - and I swear I ended it there and said good bye. MY GOD - what is wrong with him!! Better question...what is wrong with me because the story doesn't end there.

Next day Antonio calls me up and apologizes for his behavior. He tells me that we got really "drunk" and I'm "sexy as hell" and he couldn't help it. But he wants to make it up to me and take me to dinner. He asks if I want to meet at his place and I decline stating I'd rather meet at the restaurant. Long story short, dinner is really nice and we have a great time.

With me so far? Antonio proceeds to tell me all about his comedic endeavors and he tells me about this video he's done for promotion. Somehow he coerces me to go back to his place. (you know where this is going already) and I agree. But the mother fucker neglects to tell me that his living room was destroyed by the flooding we had the week before. Television, furniture, ceiling - all gone. Where is the only TV and VCR in his place? You guessed it...his bedroom.

Gut told me to leave, but I'm an asshole so I stayed. I sat on the edge of his bed and watched the movie, but after a little more prodding and assurance that everything is ok, I laid next to him and watched the video. It was in fact pretty fun and we were having a good time.

Then it happens. At the end of the video he starts to kiss me and I'm liking it. We're making out in true make out fashion and I'm feeling like this is all good. No alarms, its just fine at this pace. Right? Wrong. This guy whips its out again with no indication from me. I didn't go near his johnson, I didn't indicate I wanted to see it. Nothing. AND he begins to rub himself.

AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Remember, we're just kissing. In my head I'm like, "Fuck this - I gotta go." Nonchalantly I get out of it and look at the time - past 10, school night - good excuse.

I'm not a school marm and anyone who has read my other website knows that I've got a dirty little mind - I can dish it and take it. But I'm so not into a guy whipping his equipment out after just a few smooches. Not cool.

So there you have it. The true story behind Waterboy. I never spoke to him again because quite frankly he was a creep. I hate the fact that when I finally decided to put myself out there, the first guy I meet on MySpace is someone who took advantage of the fact that I am naive. I know it happens, I'm not a complete idiot, but in retrospect it happened to teach me a lesson. He wound up being only one of four guys that I ever met through MySpace. Thank God.

Laugh all you want at this story, I know, I'm a retard. I don't need lectures. AND of course after relaying this story to my girlfriends, I get ribbed about it often. It is a funny story, but now in retrospect, I get a little scared thinking about the position I put myself in. Never again. Never.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Momentary Lapse

This is a momentary lapse, I'm sure of it, but I have to write about it because that's the only way I'm able to figure anything out. Don't get your panties in an uproar, I've got a clear head about things, but let me explain.

For whatever reason, I am feeling an overwhelming sense of anxiety about being with Jake. I feel, not necessarily tied down, but I do feel antsy. I"M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING STUPID. Jake is by far a great, wonderful man and I would be an idiot to ever wrong him. That said, my skin feels tingly like I want to rip it off, my thoughts are racing and I'm tending to feel like I have to run.

Not cool.

I was wondering why I feel like this, what the hell could possibly be wrong with me to get this anxiety ridden reflex so fast and early and I've come up with a few suggestions. First off, my zodiac sign (yes very corny), is Aquarius and by nature, Aquarian's don't like to feel trapped or obligated. They tend to hate restriction and embrace freedom.....wow - so me. Second, I had a dream last night and after analzying the elements of the dream, they have me feeling icky this morning. Like the feelings from this dream are still stuck in my head.

If you've read this blog before, you know I have issues with committement. Its not that I don't think I can be faithful - I can. Its not that I don't want to be with someone for the rest of my life, its just that I don't think I could honestly be interested in any one person for that length of time. Or perhaps I can, I just haven't found him yet.

I've voiced these concerns before and I"M NOT TALKING MARRIAGE already. SO NOT DOING THAT. However, you can tell in the first few weeks of dating someone whether or not you could see it traveling that path. I could see it traveling that path if I were willing to settle. If I put my mind to it, I could do it, but already I'm getting antsy. I have to read my gut right?

Example, last time I went to his house I stayed over night. I knew what time I wanted to leave the following day, and once it got to be within a few hours of said hour, I started to get antsy and I couldn't be huggy, touchy, feely with him the way I was all weekend. And sometimes I feel like I'm giving into the "want" of wanting to be in a relationship. God I hope that's not the case. He's so nice and wonderful and a life or even a long time with him would be nothing but him treating me well and taking care of me.

Am I too afraid of a good thing? He doesn't give me butterflies that others have given me, but at the same time, I'm immediately comfortable with him. Something is missing.

Shit - I'm analyzing. - Its got to be the dream I had that is making me feel this way because I swear, yesterday I didn't feel like this.

In a way I know that this relationship isn't going to go the distance, but in the last month (yes, I've been dating him a month today), he's grown on me and I didn't want to analyze anything because to be truthful, there wasn't anything to analyze. Nothing to pick apart and find wrong. He's sweet, he's kind, he's truthful, no games, he's always hugging and kissing me, he even sleeps with one hand on me at all times. Its lovely. Maybe that's why I'm panicking because there is nothing wrong and I'm feeling trapped.

God I suck.


I scratch my head and I look at the screen thinking to myself that life is easier when I don't think, but my gut, my nagging gut is doing a 60/40 split right now. 60% says it ain't going to work and the other 40% is screaming and fighting to make it work. Its confusing.

And if it wasn't confusing enough - there is another spice to throw into the mix. What I've neglected to say before, because it wasn't important, is this, there is a potential someone else. Don't worry, don't worry - we ONLY talk. He does want to chill and I've been 100% honest with this other guy and he knows about Jake. I don't want to fuck up a good thing and I don't want to play with fire. We just talk.

Now this is where smart Mer steps in. I'm not going to let it bother me. I'm going to continue being happy with Jake and enjoy my time with him. I like him, there is nothing to NOT not like about him. He's great and I'd be an idiot to intentionally fuck up a good thing. That said, Jake and I are missing "something" - not sure what it is, but I won't let the nag get to me. When it dawns on me, whether it be tomorrow or 6 years from now, I'll deal with it.

Curiosity is definitely rearing its ugly face around the corner telling me that I should hang with this other guy at least once. I'm going to hold off on that for now which is most likely best (See? Smart Mer). I am not "going steady" with Jake, but I do respect him enough to not fuck around, plus that's not how I roll. I've been brutally honest with him this whole time. I've even gone far enough to tell him that marriage and kids might never be part of my forecast.....and he's handled it all with style.

I can't help but give him major props. He must really really like me to let me spew my jargon on him and still want to be with me. In a way its sad and in a way its endearing. I'm not a bitch and I'll never use that to my advantage. I can't. My mother brought me up better - good ol' Italian guilt works wonders.

Monday, January 16, 2006


This my friend could be the start of a beautiful relationship. I don't know how else to begin other than tell you that Jake is really growing on me and I think I might be able to get used to him being around for a long time.

This my friends is big news.

I'm extremely reluctant to say things like that. I'm very wary of any man permeating my defense lines, but at the same time, how can I not? He is unquestionably the nicest guy I've dated WITHOUT being a complete dud or an utter dweeb. He's a manly man with nice big hands and a heart to match. He respects me, he treats me well, he's cute, he's funny, he makes good money and he has manners. His favorite quote, "Its all about Mer." He's tells me things like that all the time - without it sounding creepy. Bonus. He also treats me like a princess without having to shower me with gifts - I am for him a found treasure.

How can you turn that away? How can I not find his behavior endearing?

I was extremely honest with him last weekend and I told him point blank that I did not know what I was capable of or where this could all lead and he could not have handled the whole situation any better. Without having to explain myself and be the ditzy broad we all know I can be, he gets me. He knows my space without me telling him to back off. I like it.

I like it a lot.

I find that I don't have to justify myself at all because he has no expectations and is only thankful for what little time we do spend together. Its all new and fresh and we enjoy one another. Its very nice - but at the same time unnerving.

But why Meredith? Why would it be unnerving?

Because so many other times I've gotten my hopes up and I've even gone far enough to try and talk myself into something that wasn't. This time around I don't feel that way and I like it. Yes I still have my stupid ass little voice saying things in the back of my mind, but for now she's hushed up and given Big Mer a chance to be happy.

Its lovely, just like the name he calls me. Yes, my nickname is Lovely. It was B (B is the first initial of my very Italian last name), but after this weekend he's come to call me Lovely. I like it because its original.

And he passed the true test, my sister and mother love him. I know this because they aren't ramming their ideas into my head. They left well enough alone - the only comment I got from my sister was, "Keep him. He's normal." So I guess its two thumbs up for Jake.

Yay. About time right?

Let's hope things continue to go well and continue on the up and up because he makes me feel like I'm 16 again. I feel like a gitty school girl when I'm around him. So not me. SOOOOOO not me. I can't get over it and I continue to not analyze it - wow, that in itself is a HUGE deal. Right? I mean for those of you who have been reading this drivel for awhile know that I find something wrong with everything - and sure he's got faults, but they aren't big ones. I hope he stays perfect in my mind's eye. Wait, perhaps I should pray I stay perfect in his!!!

Friday, January 13, 2006

Get to Know Your Friends Part II

Another Get to Know your Friends Blog: (Totally bit this off Stephanie)

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:20 a.m. - URGH!!! And that's only because I actually didn't go out last night - mark the date.

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds ARE a girls best friend no?

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Should have been "Rumor Had It" but Jake and I were too busy making out to actually watch it. He owes me another movie.

4. What is your favorite TV show? My Name is Earl - BEST SHOW EVER

5. What did you have for breakfast? Grande Mocha Latte

6. What is your middle name? Nicole

7. What is your favorite food? Seafood - Lobster/shrimp/clams...its all good

8. What foods do you dislike? nothing pickled or too smelly

9. Your favorite Potato chip? VERY tough question because I am a recovering pot head and those were my favorite. Sour Cream and Onion, Funions, Pringles - too hard.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? I have no idea.

11. What kind of car do you drive? Nissan 350Z

Where are 12 and 13?

14 Favorite drink? liquor

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Italy to visit my family home.

16.What color is your bathroom? Blue and white done in beach style

17. Favorite brand of clothing? Anne Klein, Jones of New York

18.Where would you retire? By the beach or a lake

19 Favorite time of day? Anytime I'm not at work

21. Favorite sport to watch? toss up - Football and hockey.

22. Who do you least expect to send this back? Bush

23. Person you expect to send it back first? Cheryl

24. What laundry detergent do you use? Tide - gets out blood and I'm thug life

25. Coke or Pepsi? Coca a Cola all the way

26. Are you a morning person or night owl? I'm an all day person

27. What size shoe do you wear? 8 or 8.5

28. Do you have pets? DUKE!!! and Cassie

29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your friends? I've met someone who I think has the potential to make me happy.

30. What (who) did you want to be when you were little? Shirley Temple

31. Favorite Candy Bar? Caramello

33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? Paper Boy/girl, Lifeguard, cashier, deli worker, intern, medical assistant, secretary, IRB coordinator, administrative assistant, executive secretary

34. Favorite season? Summer - love me the sun

35. Nicknames you've had? Mer, Merry, Dollface, Tiger, Nicky, B

36. Piercings: ears

37. Eye color: Shit Brown

38. Ever been to Africa? No, but I would LOVE to go

39. Ever been toilet papering? No, unfortunately - thought about it though....

40. Love someone so much it made you cry? Every day I was with Tom was a struggle

41. Been in a car accident? not with me driving

42. What's a question no one has ever asked you? Are you genuinely happy

43. Favorite day of the week? Friday because the weekend is my oyster

44. Favorite restaurant? La Primavera on 81st and 2nd

45. Favorite flower? Gardenia's

46. Favorite ice cream? Oh god - got time because it all depends. This is a loaded question. Soft ice cream - Dairy Queen hands down. Hard - Baskin Robbins and it all depends on the mood on what type I get.

47. Disney or Warner Brothers? DISNEY!!!!

48. Favorite fast food restaurant? Mickey D's

49. What color is your bedroom carpet? Rose

50. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Zero, zippo, zilch

51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Nicole - can't believe it wasn't Cheryl. Go figure?

52. Which store would you choose to Max out your Credit Card? LOADED QUESTION. Um, Tiffany's - definitely - and I have the credit to get some serious bling bling!!!!

53. What do you do most often when you are bored? Eat, exercise or call friends and harrass them.

54. Bedtime: Weekdays 10 - weekends - who sleeps?

56. Last person you went to dinner with? Jake - aww....

57. Ford or Chevy? Ford. Chevy blows monkey dick

58. What are you listening to right now? Jack radio

59. What is your favorite color? Red or yellow

60. Lake, Ocean or River? Ocean

61. How many tattoos do you have? I'm as bare as the day I was born.

62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Chicken

63. How many people are you sending this email to?The world

64. Favorite Cocktail? Cosmo

65. Red or White wine? Red - Chianti

66. Where would you go for a girls or boys weekend get-a-way? Nudist camp......

67. What do you want to be? and entertainer

68. Republican or Democrat? N/A

69. Favorite Family Vacation? Montauk, Long Island

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The True Test of Like

Yesterday I was in a god awful mood, truth be told, I'm still in a funk. I know I'll get out of it, its got to do with my monthly coming next week (female readers understand, male readers just cringed). I get like this, my mood swings back and forth, to and from, in and out of good and bad. It has no effect on those around me, because I'm genuinely a happy person, but inwardly - I want to jump off a bridge due to frustration. You guys know this because I talk to you more than I talk to my mother and best friends - you guys know my trials and tribulations - the stupid hardships I put on myself - but no one else does. Not the deep stuff anyway.

That's kind of sad right?

Anyway, yesterday I was very upset with my friend and I'm still very upset. Something dawned on me that has me feeling a little down and reconsidering how much I really want to hang with her. This could be COMPLETE coincidence, but its not the first time this has happened. See, she dates more than one guy at a time - kind of trying them all on like shoes. She tests them out, tries them on, takes a little walk, wears them down and then somehow, they disappear.....on their own, but I digress.

There she is, dating like 3 guys and talking to another - all at once, meanwhile, I'm just bustling along doing my own thing when low and behold I meet Jake. I like Jake. He likes me. We go on a few dates, we talk every night - everything is moving along like clockwork and Mer is finally content to date. Someone has finally broken through to the other side. (collective sigh of relief). He might not be my ideal, but he makes me happy, he treats me well and he's most definitely worth the try.

After saying that, all of sudden, she has someone that she's doing all this cutsey stuff with as well. Now I don't know if this is pure coincidence, but she's just THAT insecure to follow suit and start a relationship at the same time so she is not left out. Gotta remember, she has a few men to choose from, although the three she was "dating" (I use that term loosely), all of a sudden all stop pursuing her and she has this new guy she's only been "talking" to. (GOD I FEEL LIKE HIGH SCHOOL), and immediately she wants to meet him. It becomes this big ordeal and now, she's in a relationship with him - in one week. Uh, yeh.

Anywho, I'm happy I finally have someone to be happy about - finally someone to do relationship stuff with, someone to look forward to seeing - someone to be giddy about. Normally your friends are happy for you. Normally when you tell them about your new guy, they ask questions, they want to hear more, they are genuinely happy for you. Can I tell you that on Saturday night after spending 24+ hours with Jake, she never - I mean NEVER once asked me how he was, how my time spent with him was or anything. NOTHING.

Now in the last few days I got very excited about him coming to visit me for a change. I was thrilled to show him around, take him to a restaurant by me, you know, bring him into my world. Let him experience my life. I stuck my foot in my mouth by telling her he was coming and that we should get Samantha and Nicole to come out as well. Because now - its all about her bringing her guy out and showing him off as well.


I shouldn't let it bother me as much as it is - but for once in a very very long time I'm excited about something and here she is - stealing my thunder. Perhaps not on purpose, but for once, I'd like to have something of my own. I want it about me and Jake, not about her. Why would any of us think it was special to meet her new guy when she goes through men like Kleenex? I'm so tempted to cancel the whole thing and just make it a night between myself and Jake. I'm SO tempted....but I've involved Samantha and her man, I don't want to do that to Samantha. Plus I want Samantha to hang out with Jake and experience him as well. I want everyone to feel happy about Jake like I do.

Jake is slated to come by on Saturday at some point and then that evening him and myself will be going to dinner and then to meet up with everyone later on. And guess what - her plans are the same now too. What is that? Her guy lives a little far and guess what? He's coming to her place, picking her up, taking her to dinner and then - gasp - they are meeting up with everyone later on as well. Shocker right? I've had to listen to her yammer on about it and I can't do it. I just can't.


I'll get over it. I know I will. At first I thought it was just a consiperacy theory of mine, but the more I write, the more I believe. I need to speak to Samantha about this because if she agrees, then I know I'm right and not going crazy making up absurd stories. Sammy has known her since high school - she's the expert.

Last night though, when Jake called me I was really worried about my bad mood. I was worried that I might come off cranky on the phone and snap a little. But you know what? When he called me, I smiled and I couldn't help but laugh and kid around with him. I couldn't be in a bad mood if I tried. Add to the fact that he let me talk about it like an objective friend and not someone who is just smitten with me was a definite bonus. He's a good egg. I guess that's one of the true tests of like....he made me smile despite a crappy mood and he was there for me even though it was stupid and insignificant.

P.S. - he called me as I was retouching this post......damn he's got a sexy voice!!!!!! I can't wait to jump on his head Saturday. Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Tough Love

God help me, I’m gonna killer her…..swear. She is one of my closest friends and I truly cherish her friendship, but sometimes, especially lately, I’m beginning to question her as a friend.

Let’s start off by stating what I consider to be a friend. A friend is someone to talk to, laugh with, spend time with. Someone who is there through thick and thin for just about every situation, they are the person who you can turn to who will always have your back and even if and when you are wrong, they will still side with you just to make you feel better. They tell you things that you don’t want to hear, but they also do it in a way that won’t hurt your feelings. They are…your friend.

So far so good – she meets the basic criteria - perhaps sometimes she colors outside those lines, but basically she hits the mark.

Where she tends to falter is this….she the most self centered, insecure, conceited, know it all I have ever met. Worst part? She knows ALL of this to be true. She honestly believes it is all about her. The world revolves around her and anything that happens to her.

She hasn’t always been this bad, at least not to this extent or perhaps it never got on my last nerve like it does now. There is a group of us that hangs out – and every single one of us feels this way about her.

So why not tell her Mer? Why not do something about it?

We all have. In one way or another we have all tried to talk to her about this. We have all tried to tell her that she is out of control….not only with the men she sleeps with, but also with how she treats us all.

Nicole lost it on her last week, Samantha went off as well a few weeks prior. I guess its my turn….but that’s not how I roll. I will not allow my anger to get the best of me when it comes to a friend, however, I do try at every opportunity to make her see what the frig is going on….but she chooses to ignore it.

I suppose I should give you examples of her behavior? Well, she is dating a few men, ok ok, more like half the nation, but I digress. She is not a lady when it comes to this type of stuff and we all try to give her advice, but she won’t listen. In the last 6 months, she’s almost had as many partners as I’ve had in my lifetime. Not a joke and so not cool. Each one of us have tried to tell her that although she has no commitments to anyone, its still not a good thing to sleep with so many men. But in her fucked up mind she rationalizes her decisions with the most absurd excuses – I guess its so she can sleep at night.

As a result of being with so many men, she’ll also throw us friends by the wayside. A direct quote to our friend Nicole, “Well if D. doesn’t want to see me Friday night, I can hang out with you.” – this is after making confirmed plans to hang out with Nicole. Another direct quote to Christine, “I have many options to hang out, but you are my favorite option right now, so I’ll come over.”

Who says these types of things?

I’m not talking about one or two small things that gets on my nerves, Nicole’s nerves, Samantha, Bob, Matt, Matty, Tom, et al….its come to a point where we all cringe and this is not good. Not good at all.

She could be the most kick ass friend, but she won’t because she is too self absorbed. If she could ever put other people before herself, then life would easier with her. I really really cannot remember a time once in the time I’ve known her where she has put someone else ahead of her. She doesn’t even let you walk through the DOOR first! I’m NOT joking.

Nicole and I have decided to sit her down and talk to her about this. I mean what I’ve written here is literally the tip of the iceberg, this is a small fraction of what is going on here, but we have to do something before each one of us slowly but surely lingers out of her life. Before she gets so awful that one of us snaps on her and loses it so fiercely that she is left in a puddle of her own tears….because if I snap, it will not be pretty.

Nicole and I want to talk to her, we want her understand that at our age, you don’t treat the few friends you have like this. Its ok every once in awhile to lose your head and do something stupid, we all do, but to treat us like complete ass is not nice, its not right and we don’t do it to her.

I’ve never written about how much she upsets me because of my loyalties as a friend, but enough is enough. You can only take it for so long. Perhaps sitting her down two against one isn’t the way to go and perhaps I should do it on my own because then I know I’ll feel better.

Its so awful though. I don’t like to gossip about good friends, that’s not me. Jesus, it makes me feel like I’m in high school and that’s how Nicole and Samantha feel as well and we don’t like it.

Enough venting about this….its sooooo childish it makes me vomit in my mouth a little.


Finally, yes, finally I am answering these questions from way way back when Matt Lauer tagged me.

Weapons of Choice:
My smile and my bodacious ta ta's.

Relative Psychosis:
Complete asshole

How Hard It Can Be:
Sometimes it can be really really hard, other times, flacid

So What’s Next?
The new bo meets the parents....tune in Monday for a detailed account. Da da dum dum dddduuuummmmmm

Name That Tune In:
I Lost in Jeopardy...baby....ooooooo a oooooooooo

I'd like to tag anyone who reads this. Just answer the questions.

And last but not least, Happy Birthday Daddy!!!!!!!! 61 years of bringing us all corny but funny jokes. Nice.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Weekend Recap

This was by far one of the best weekends I have had in a very long time. Now I know that I have some kick ass weekends, I know that some of these weekends are a myriad of painting the town red, purple, green and orange, but this one was great on so many different levels.

A sigh of relief.....

Friday evening I headed up to Jake's place for a very nice dinner and then to a martini bar afterward. And good lord I got so drunk so fast. This is what I had all night to drink; One beer at his apartment (Heiniken), one cosmopolitan at dinner. Then one cosmopolitan at the martini bar and one French martini. I have no idea what was in those drinks just shy of jet fuel, because after the second one at the bar, I was flying so high. The worst part of it all is that I knew it was going to happen. After starting my second drink I called it, I said it to him that if I finished the second one, I'd be a goner. Sure enough, I was blasted - not incoherent fucked up drunk, but enough where I was very loose with the tongue telling him things I wouldn't normally say. Apparently I gave him a chuckle or two....but I don't remember everything I said so its got me a little worried. He told me that I didn't say anything bad, but still, it makes me uneasy. However, I'm not all that worried.

PLUS - this is a big bonus. I can drink around him. Remember, my last relationship I couldn't do that. Fights were inevitable when any liquor was around. And I LOVE making out with him. I can kiss that kid for hours....and he's the same way. Yes, we are "that" couple. PDA's are all over the place. Not inappropriate though, just lots of PDA's. (YAY! GO MER!!)

The time I spent with him was really good though. I really do like him. I want to keep seeing him and I look forward to doing things with him. But (there is always a "But") - the distance between us is going to be very hard. Not so hard that we couldn't work it out, but hard enough that it might wear thin should things go astray. Second, he gets so amped up and excited that he is constantly cutting me off when I'm talking and it is something that I see I could and will snap at him about. I don't have a temper....anymore, however, it gets on my last nerve. I make jokes about it now, but I know that one day something will FLY RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH. I concsiously try to bite my tongue, but its gonna happen. And lastly - he talks during movies. BIG PET PEEVE of mine. I get REALLY REALLY into movies when I watch them and when you can't contain yourself, I get pissed. - Of course none of these things are MAJOR things to worry about....which is nice for a change. Very nice.

Verdict: two thumbs up.

Saturday we ran errands together during the day and watched a movie. Unfortunately I had to cut the day short at about 5:30 and head back home. I had plans with Trixie to meet one of her new bo's in the city at a place called Vudo Lounge. I was apprehensive, but I was also very very tired and hung over....think that would have taught me right? Nope. The second I walked into the club, the music was fabulous. No joke, Hip Hop, R&B and a little little bit of salsa. Good enough for me. I haven't danced that much since we went to Crobar this summer. Seriously, my legs are still hurting. And I got drunk of course. Who would have thunk it right? Actually I don't know what it was this weekend, but I got so drunk so fast all weekend - it was awful and yet strangely awesome.

Sunday - well since I didn't go to bed until 5:30 a.m., I'd have to say that Sunday had the potential to be a nightmare. I was going to see The Producers on Broadway with the whole family....a LOT of potential to be a disaster. Cranky Mer is never a good thing so the levels of annoyance were set at high before the day even started. But guess what? I had such a nice time with Jake and Trixie, that I was still flying on cloud nine when it came time to be with the family. It wasn't until about 7:00 last night that I started to crash. But I called Jake, he put a smile on my face and all was good with the world once again.

Its nice to have something positive to say. Its lovely to have something to look forward to. Jake might not be my ideal, but he's a good soul and he'll always take good care of me in mind, body and soul. So far, so good. I don't have an urge to analyze, I simply look forward to seeing him again this weekend.


Friday, January 06, 2006

Coming Clean

Happy Friday ya all!!!

In the past few days, nothing of particular interest has happened. I've spoken with Jake everyday, like clockwork, had my hair done (looks sexy as hell), and went to dinner with Samantha last night. No wild parties, no heavy drinking, just me and my girl.

Tonight I'm heading up to Jake's place for dinner and perhaps a drink and/or a movie. Not sure yet, we'll just see where the night takes us. I'm not looking forward to the hour long drive to get there though. That's another downfall - the drive. If we are to meet up, its got to be in the middle or I have to drive out to see him. Remember, I recently moved back home to moms and pops so that's a no go.

Either way, I'm actually looking forward to it. I know what I said in the beginning of the week, but the best way to describe the way I feel is this, that special magic is missing. Perhaps its because I've been lucky enough to feel it in the past that I'm waiting for those sparks that have me craving more....perhaps. Or maybe its because there is no challenge. He's serving it up a little too easy and I like a challenge....you know this.

Its all good though. I plan on talking to him tonight about backing off just a little bit. Its a little uncomfortable how fast he has these really strong feelings, but I totally understand. Completely. I didn't mean to come off as a cold bitch that was throwing him aside aleady. No, not at all. I do like him, he's a great person inside and out and I enjoy my time with him. If I'm on the phone with him I'm happy, if I'm in his presence I'm happy so its all good.

I will however make this one promise, I will NOT lead him on, I will be honest and straightforward and as soon as I understand what I want, he'll be first to know.

That's a lie. We all know I'll tell you first because I'll have to figure it all out and then approach him, but he'll be the first one I speak to about it - like verbally.

Another lie.

I'll tell Trixie first, she'll approve the speech and then I'll talk to him.

But that's it. Pinky promise.

I'll let you all know how it goes....have a great weekend and rock on.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Shoot Me Now

My diary.

My issues.

My problems.

My happiness.

My success.

My failures

Writing out what I'm going through at this particular moment in time is never easy. I write in the moment - every day. I never think about what I am going to write until the second I sit down. Perhaps that's my downfall. Maybe I should start to think about what I write before I sit here at my computer and blab about absolute nonsense. Perhaps. Maybe. But that means preparation, that means planning and lately, I can't get into it enough. I can't seem to get into anything.

For months I've sat at this computer and discussed what an asshole Ted was. I told you about people I've dated in the past, present and even what I would like in the future. I've told you about my goals and my aspirations, I've even tried to fool myself into believing things that are simply not true about me. I try to motivate myself by putting everything out there into cyberspace telling myself that if I write about this or that, it might actually happen all because I said so.

I know I am a silly girl, I've written about it here. I know I am profoundly fucked up....but here's the catch - I'm still a good person. Nothing I do or say is intentionally mean spirited. I want to be happy, but I don't know exactly what makes me happy. I feel incomplete because of this. I feel broken - I still don't know who I am and what my convictions are.....is it because I just don't give a shit? Am I selfish deep down and I don't care? Am I really THAT committment phobic that I can't even committ to a single thought or idea?

Think about it for a second. I'm not a republican or a democrat. My parents raised me Presbyterian, yet I don't practice, nor do I care to. I'm good at every sport I try, yet I don't play anything consistently. I go to the gym, but I can't seem to go every day like I should. More like I go for a few weeks, take a few weeks off, and then start up again. In addition, I find interest in just about everything, yet nothing captivates me. Same with men, they are all ok, but no one is like "it" for me.

Too hard on myself? Yeh - ya think? I know we all go through it - but why is it so easy for some people to buckle down and excel? Why can't I be wired like that? I know I can excel at anything, yet I'm too busy being content with contentness. I'm honestly sick of complaining about it. This site is for me to air out my demons, let it ride, but at the same time, try to figure it all out. Figure out what the hell will make me happy.

We have all at one time or another felt like running away. Sometimes I feel that the only way to change, is to dump it all and start fresh. I'm SO like that. If I'm going to clean out my closet, I rip it apart and rebuild it. My filing cabinet at work, same thing. Rip apart, re-build. I can easily rip apart, but can I let go? Can I move on and rebuild? Should I drop friends and become a hermit to help overcome? Should I rip off my clothes and go streaking? I have no idea.

Sometimes I feel that if I didn't have the friends, the family, the men, that I would just pick up and go. But my family and friends would miss me.....but when do I stop thinking about them and think about me? And do I have the balls to do such a thing? Absolutely not. I like to tell myself that I do, but really, I lack that confidence.

Ooooo confidence. Another can of worms....nah - I have confidence in myself...to an extent. You know what? I think I need a shrink. Yep that's the ticket. Shrink it up.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006


I am fundamentally fucked up. I complain day in and day out to meet a nice, good guy - I've found him. He's good looking, he's sweet, he makes good money, he completely and totally adores yours truly.....yet I'm like "eh".

Profoundly fucked in the head and thoroughly cursed. No other way to describe it.

I know I've only had a few dates with him and they were wonderful dates, but they don't have me jumping up and down, running around screaming to the world that I have found 'him.' I'm seriously contemplating the fact that its me.

I hate to say it but he's a little rough around the edges, not a slob by any means, he's actually very neat and he has manners. But I'm a little more refined than him (DON"T LAUGH) - seriously, its like Catherine Zeta Jones chilling with P. Diddy. Diddy is certainly worthly of her presence, yet she's regal and he's street. I know this is an extreme example, but it best describe what I'm talking about. He's a little goofy and sometimes he talks a lot - I think its nerves...like he's sooooo happy to be around me that he gets fired up. Its endearing and its sweet, but its going to get old....fast. However, he comes from the same background as myself and we talk about a ton of stuff......but something, not sure what, but something is holding me back.

Another thing, he has noooooo problems telling me how he feels about me....compliments are directed toward me non stop and he looks at me...gulp....lovingly. I've caught him giving me "that" look - like I'm the buried treasure he's been searching for. Yet I don't feel that way about him. These are huge warning flares for me, yet I have no good reason to NOT continue seeing him. Its nice. URGH - nice!!!!!

I'm not so stupid to realize that I've found someone who will no doubt treat me extremely well, who will do anything to make me happy and do it with a smile. But do I want someone kissing my ass? No, I don't. That's too easy. I don't want a challenge, hell no, I don't need any more projects, however, he's serving it up on a silver platter. Its a little too easy. Does that make sense? If I'm the type of person who gets bored easily and I'm constantly looking to fuel my mind, then how will he ever last? I like him enough to want him to last, but I don't think its my place to tell him how to act....I'm not in the business of changing people.

Perhaps I should tell him the truth...that he is in fact making it too easy for me. He shouldn't kiss my ass and agree with everything I say....no seriously, I don't know if we are just that compatible, or if he agrees with me just to agree with me. Not sure and only time will really reveal something like that.

So here I am, in another perdicament. I do like him....for the fact that there are no games and its easy to be around him....and he's a good kisser. And I keep thinking to myself that at some point I need to grow and find someone who will treat me well, who will give me a grown up relationship and not pull the bullshit a lot of people tend to pull. I don't think he will ever be that kind of guy - he's not made like that - you know, he was born from the cookie cutter asshole mold. However, I think I need to tell him a few things about me that he should know before we could ever think about getting serious.

First, I am in fact committment phobic. I want a monogamous relationship, however, I'm not sure if I can committ to forever. I don't think there is anyone on this earth that could ever make me happy forever and ever. And second, I already know he wants kids....me? I'm on the fence - as you already know. These are HUGE big things and its not something to think about right at this particular point in time, but what if we continue to move forward and he becomes the ideal man for me......shouldn't he know my reservations now before he falls in love? (although I think he already has - and that is NOT me being all conceited, its a truth....you can see it).

I like him. I like him a lot, but.....well there is a but. That's what has me thinking its me. Then again, why would he still be single? Ok, see, now you know there is an issue - because I'm analyzing. Before there was no analysis of him, now there is.

Finding Mer. This shit has NOT been easy. Its getting easier, but its not there yet.