This week I have been rather mellow and withdrawn, introverted so to speak. I haven't been cracking jokes, I haven't been my fun loving self living la vida loca. For reasons I've already divulged to you its been a very solemn week and today really isn't much different. There are certain things that I know I have to take care of and in keeping with that idea I had promised myself and the higher order that last night I would at least give Jake some kind of understanding to what could possibly be bothering me.
At about 7 last night I gave him a call and we had our usual banter of how the day was, what was aggravating/funny or even remotely interesting about our day - his was the same ol same ol. Normally I would wait for an opening to start on the topic that I need to get off my chest, but instead I bit the bullet and got right into it.
Explaining my feelings to someone that I'm not on the same level with has always been difficult and since I broke up with Ted, its only become harder. I studdered, I stammered, I cleared my head, took a deep breath and started from the beginning. I told him about the issues I'm having with my dog, my grandmother, my mother and her slight bought of depression that has been creeping in since the news of my grandmother. He knew that I had goals set for myself for this year and he understands the pressure I'm placing on myself. He understood everything. He sat there and listened giving advice along with a few "yep's" and "I know's." He was nice....very very nice about the whole thing. It killed me more because I knew that I had to give him some kind of understanding that although I have many pressures in my life, that he wasn't exactly scott free.
He had made a comment to me the other day about how his health and everything has suffered a little since he's met me. He's been so excited and caught up in me that he hasn't paid much attention to things he did before he met me....I went with that angle. I told him that I knew what he was talking about because its four weeks into the new year and I haven't begun any of the things I said I would and I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that it had to do with us. It does, that's not a lie. I told him that with everything going on, I'm trying to figure out where he fits in all of it. I told him that I have been honest with him this whole time and I will continue to do so.
However, as great as the conversation was and how much he understood, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I won't be coming up this evening to see him. I backed out. I didn't have the cojonas to do it. I'm an asshole and now I have to do it today.....last minute.
There are a few reasons why I don't want to see him and the biggest reason isn't the selfish one - its actually to protect him. I already know I won't be huggy, touchy, kissy, feely with him - if anything I'll push him away and that would kill him. That would hurt him so much and I can't do that to him. I'm in one of "those" moods. Ever notice that sometimes you just don't want to be bothered? That's me this week, I haven't even been lovey with my parents. Also, I don't want to drive an hour out to see him and act like this - I wouldn't be able to pretend and then things might not go very well. He'll keep asking me if I'm ok and if he did something wrong and then I know me, I'll snap at him and tell him something mean. I don't want to be like that, but when I get irritated, it happens. Plus I think I need time away from him.
This morning I will call him, before he calls me hopefully, and tell him I'm not coming up. I'm going to be honest and tell him its because I'm still in this shit ass mood and it wouldn't be fair to him if I came up there and wasn't myself. PLUS I have to be back in Jersey early and the whole thing would be a wash. I'll suggest meeting up someplace mutual on Sunday. I won't talk to him about "us" until I see him on Sunday. I don't think that I'm being mean if I keep to the truth and the truth is, I'll be weird around him and it will only hurt him. I don't want that. I'll feel trapped, cornered and defensive - all ingredients for a cranky Mer.
I've at the very least planted the seed. He knows I'm not me right now and if I can't get over it by Sunday, then I know what I have to inevitably do. I don't want to, but I don't see how we are going to work out.
My like will never grow into love. There you have it. So simple, yet so very complicated.