I am fundamentally fucked up. I complain day in and day out to meet a nice, good guy - I've found him. He's good looking, he's sweet, he makes good money, he completely and totally adores yours truly.....yet I'm like "eh".
Profoundly fucked in the head and thoroughly cursed. No other way to describe it.
I know I've only had a few dates with him and they were wonderful dates, but they don't have me jumping up and down, running around screaming to the world that I have found 'him.' I'm seriously contemplating the fact that its me.
I hate to say it but he's a little rough around the edges, not a slob by any means, he's actually very neat and he has manners. But I'm a little more refined than him (DON"T LAUGH) - seriously, its like Catherine Zeta Jones chilling with P. Diddy. Diddy is certainly worthly of her presence, yet she's regal and he's street. I know this is an extreme example, but it best describe what I'm talking about. He's a little goofy and sometimes he talks a lot - I think its nerves...like he's sooooo happy to be around me that he gets fired up. Its endearing and its sweet, but its going to get old....fast. However, he comes from the same background as myself and we talk about a ton of stuff......but something, not sure what, but something is holding me back.
Another thing, he has noooooo problems telling me how he feels about me....compliments are directed toward me non stop and he looks at me...gulp....lovingly. I've caught him giving me "that" look - like I'm the buried treasure he's been searching for. Yet I don't feel that way about him. These are huge warning flares for me, yet I have no good reason to NOT continue seeing him. Its nice. URGH - nice!!!!!
I'm not so stupid to realize that I've found someone who will no doubt treat me extremely well, who will do anything to make me happy and do it with a smile. But do I want someone kissing my ass? No, I don't. That's too easy. I don't want a challenge, hell no, I don't need any more projects, however, he's serving it up on a silver platter. Its a little too easy. Does that make sense? If I'm the type of person who gets bored easily and I'm constantly looking to fuel my mind, then how will he ever last? I like him enough to want him to last, but I don't think its my place to tell him how to act....I'm not in the business of changing people.
Perhaps I should tell him the truth...that he is in fact making it too easy for me. He shouldn't kiss my ass and agree with everything I say....no seriously, I don't know if we are just that compatible, or if he agrees with me just to agree with me. Not sure and only time will really reveal something like that.
So here I am, in another perdicament. I do like him....for the fact that there are no games and its easy to be around him....and he's a good kisser. And I keep thinking to myself that at some point I need to grow and find someone who will treat me well, who will give me a grown up relationship and not pull the bullshit a lot of people tend to pull. I don't think he will ever be that kind of guy - he's not made like that - you know, he was born from the cookie cutter asshole mold. However, I think I need to tell him a few things about me that he should know before we could ever think about getting serious.
First, I am in fact committment phobic. I want a monogamous relationship, however, I'm not sure if I can committ to forever. I don't think there is anyone on this earth that could ever make me happy forever and ever. And second, I already know he wants kids....me? I'm on the fence - as you already know. These are HUGE big things and its not something to think about right at this particular point in time, but what if we continue to move forward and he becomes the ideal man for me......shouldn't he know my reservations now before he falls in love? (although I think he already has - and that is NOT me being all conceited, its a truth....you can see it).
I like him. I like him a lot, but.....well there is a but. That's what has me thinking its me. Then again, why would he still be single? Ok, see, now you know there is an issue - because I'm analyzing. Before there was no analysis of him, now there is.
Finding Mer. This shit has NOT been easy. Its getting easier, but its not there yet.