Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Likeable Lost

For the last two and a half days I've had this big weight on my shoulders trying to decide what I was going to do about Jake. Saturday night I began to panic and I didn't understand why. Perhaps it was the L-Bomb he dropped on me that evening, perhaps it was too much time spent with him so fast. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I do know this, I have GOT to talk to him real soon about this before it gets out of hand. We need to have the relationship status talk. I know what I feel, I know what I want and I don't want to hurt him any more than can potentially happen. This weekend I think it would be proper for me to sit him down and figure this all out. I want to continue seeing him, but I don't want to lead him on if he's looking for long term, because I can't give that. I'm in the throws of a panic attack right now writing about it. I've written a little letter to him here, of course it will never see the light of day, but it basically states what I will inevitably have to tell him sooner or later. I will however, talk to him this weekend and if the conversation starts going the "L" bomb route, then I'll have to use this. God I hate this.


In my mind I think you are wonderful. You're sweet, you're kind, you want nothing more than to put a big smile on my face. You have a stable job, you work hard, you enjoy what life has offered you thus far and you don't complain.

My brain, my mind, this cranium of mixed up jumbalaya, puts you in a different catagory than most I've dated. You shine because you are a beautiful person. There is tranquility in your life, and nothing is pretentious about you. You're a regular guy, a normal guys' guy. You're manly, you can use tools the proper way and fix anything, but at the same time, you are a gentle giant.

You are a good man....who deserves more than I have to offer.

You have deep feelings for me that I do not think I can ever reciprocate. I've spoken to you about this before. Its so easy for you to tell me how happy you are, how much you like me, how much your life has changed since I've come into it but I can't repeat those things. I can't openly tell you that I want to be with you or that I miss you. I can't - I'm not wired like that. I've told you that I was not sure what I was capable of. I've even told you that I have a fear of committment - and its not bullshit. I wanted to be honest all because I respect you and who you are to not pull any crap. I don't want to feed you lines that will ultimately hurt you. I could tell immediately that you wanted to be with me so bad. Setting you up with false hope was never my intention and neither is hurting you, but I have a feeling that is inevitable.

In my quest to find myself I may have deviated and taken a few tours. I may have hurt a few people, I know I was definitely hurt a few times myself. I may still be a mixed up little girl who questions every move, who analyzes more than she should, but I do know now how to read my feelings and what I want. I now can recognize gut instinct on a multitude of factors surrounding my life so I say this with absolute confidence - my mind wants you, my heart does not. (ouch - sorry too harsh? Leave that part out?).

If you were to ask me if it was because of any one thing going on in my life or if it was something you did wrong, I would have to say no. I can't blame it on the shit that's happened to me in the past, I can't say its because I "need more time" to heal. I've asked you to back off a little bit and you did, for a while. However, I can honestly say that there is something missing....something that I'm not sure what it is. Am I dead inside? Do I not care enough? Are you giving me everything I need? No, that's not it, I care an awful lot for you and you try to make me very happy. I really do care about you, but its not love. Not the kind of love that would keep us together forever and that's important.

Many years ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine who put things into perspective for me. He laid it all out there very simply and I told myself that I would live by this rule if only for the fact that its the right thing to do. Once you've started dating someone and you know that he/she isn't "it," then its time to move on. Don't waste the other person's time because in the end you'll be saving them a load of heartache. That is how I feel right now. I don't want to waste your time.

I've been fighting these feelings for a little while now and spending an entire weekend with you didn't help. The panic attack on the drive home made that clear. I guess if I think way back to our first date, I probably had this notion, but I wanted to be with someone, I wanted to know what it was like to be cared for again, to be held, to be cherised. I shouldn't have been so selfish because it means hurting you in the end and you don't deserve that. Like I said, my mind wanted it, it wanted it to be you, but the heart tells me otherwise. The heart and the mind have to coincide.

I guess I could take the blase view of it all and say this is part of being in a relationship, but this is the part I hate. Someone gets hurt. I wish it didn't have to be you. You said that you had no expectations, and I wish I could believe that, but I have a feeling you want more and before it gets out of hand, I should do something about it now.

That's as far as I get because I don't know what else to say. How do you tell someone that "yeh, you're great, but I still don't want you." What a difficult position to be in right now. I like him, I'd keep seeing him if I knew that when the time was right I could walk away, but that's not fair to him and I'm not in the business of using people.

There are other factors here on why I don't want to be with him long term. Do I devulge them? Fuck it, I have to get it off my chest:

- First off, I don't think he could ever be intellectually stimulating enough for me. There is nothing I could learn from him that I don't already know - he isn't constantly feeding my mind. I need that.
- He's too vocal about his feelings - I know that sounds crazy, but if I'm not at that level, then it makes me uncomfortable, if anything it pushes me away.
- He lives over an hour away and the commute is starting to wear thin on me.
- Too much time spent with him and I get very antsy, that can't be a good sign.
- I like the way he kisses and I like some things he does, but other stuff isn't hot enough. I'm so sorry about this. I hate to say it and I've overlooked it thinking it would be better, but its not. I know that eventually the sexual part of stuff can wear off later on, but for now, when I want to be passionate and sexed up really good, its not happening. AND I've spoken to him and given pointers, but nope. I don't hold this completely against him. I can't....its not the reason why I would want to break up, let's put it that way.

So there are some of the reasons, that and my heart isn't in it. This is so sad because like I said, my head it there, my heart isn't. Normally its the other way around - I choose the wrong guys because of my heart.....not anymore.

This Friday I will sit him down and talk to him. I've tried before, but this time I will make sure it happens. Wish me luck.


NCTRNL said...

Wow...I don't envy that position. He's gonna be crushed...and he'll think the bedroom stuff had a lot to do with it...and it did.

anne arkham said...

L-bomb? Whoa.