Thursday, December 29, 2005

New Year's - YAY!!! Another Reason to Booze!!!


Was it a good year for you? If you looked back at everything that happened this year, could you say that it was for the most part a good one? I'm kind of torn because it began on an awful awful note, but as the year wore on and I lost 195 lbs of dumb ass (Ted), I'd have to say it ended rather well because now I'm not making the stupid decisions for love, or what I thought to be love. I'm making decisions that I like, I'm the person who I should be and I'll only continue to be that person. Stupidity is not in my vocabulary anymore.

This year will be the first year since I was 15 that I am single and ringing in the new year alone. Well kind of. I'm sort of caught between a rock and a hard place. See Trixie and I said we would spend it together, however, no plans have been set. We thought we'd head into the city but we can't decide on a place and plus, it will only be the two of us. Fine by me, but I'd rather be with a lot of people. Second, Jake would like to spend it with me. Although it would be incredibly romantic I'm sure, I'm not sure if I want to celebrate it with someone who I've only just met. Its kind of an odd way to spend New Year's Eve - well maybe not odd, but there is something about it that has me feeling a little cautious. I don't want him reading into it as a "special" thing and then WHOMP!! We break up. Does that make sense?

Before in a relationship I would want to see the guy nonstop. I would take this opportunity and make it something it wasn't. I would read deeply into it and now, after all that I've been through, I have my reservations. Perhaps it is better that I don't see him, you know, not dive into it and it become too intense too fast. Plus in all the hoopla of New Year's Eve, I will most definitely wind up sleeping with him.....(and that's bad why)? Ok, so there we have it. While writing this post I've made up my mind. No Jake on NYE.

However, if I don't see him Saturday night, I will be seeing him pretty early in the afternoon on Sunday - right after I have my liver transplant, I should be good to go. I think he's going to take me to dinner, not sure....I guess we'll see.

For all my reservations, I'm really looking forward to seeing him this weekend. Did I tell you that when he kisses me its like he's kissing me for the first and last time ever? He cherishes each kiss, just like I do. Physically, we are extremely compatible - OH NO - now I'm getting all hot and bothered thinking about him. Is it hot in here? I need a fan? Where's the air conditioning?

Breathe in. Out. Aaaahhhhh, better.

I have no idea what it is about this guy that has me all hot for his ass, he has been nothing but respectful following my lead, which is a nice change - although dear god, if he keeps kissing me like he does, I'm so going to rape him. Thinking about those wondeful hands - they can almost grab all of my.....

Uh yeh, I have to go now.

Tonight begins a weekend long booze fest starting with Girls Night Out tonight at the 101. Tomorrow night I will be chilling with my favorite cover band - Urban Trip and I have it on good authority that I will be performing as well. Nice. Saturday is obviously New Year's and Sunday is my date with the man. OH BOY!!!!

So big huge gigantic Smooches to all of you. Have a wonderful, safe and abso-fucking-lutely great New Year's!!! God bless.


Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Email to Trixie

Email to Trixie about Jake:

Ok, so he is 6’0", 195 lbs of pure muscular wonderfulness. I mean like WOW. No joke, we’re in the car talking and we start smooching and making out and then I’m hugging him and my hand starts to meander down his side and then down to his waist where I find the lever for the chair. Whoops, down goes Jake. So now I’m still in my seat and he grabs under my arms and LIFTS me up and slides me over to his side of the car. Um…..uh….yeh. That was hot. I thought me reclining the chair was hot – nope, he up stages me and does that.

I am telling you, this is kid is sensual. I mean I turned to him at one point because every chance he could take to hug or kiss me or show my any affection, he did. It wasn’t over kill either. So anyway, I look at him and I say, "You’re going to cherish me aren’t you?" and he said, "Every chance I get…..seriously, where have you been my whole life." So I told him, "Good things come to those who wait."

BUT let’s get back to making out….we’re in the car and I’m basically laying on top of him and we’re kissing and he’s kind of tugging on my hair and I notice he always keeps his eyes closed, so I coo softly to him, "look at me" – GOOD GOD – TALKING ABOUT OPENING THE FLOOD GATES. That got him so hot. I’m giggling right now thinking about it.

I needed that make out fest. He told me that if I were to come up by his place he wouldn’t take advantage of me. If I had to stay there the night for whatever reason, he wouldn’t try anything…..I was like, "Yeh, but I can’t promise the same."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – who is this person and what has she done with Meredith?

Remember Those Days?

We were "that" couple, snuggled up nice and cozy in the restaurant booth, kissing, touching, hugging, forgetting the world around us. No hussle and bussle of the waiter or other patrons could have pulled our attention away from one another. Wrapping our thoughts and actions around us like a warm familiar blanket.

We've spent hours on end talking on the phone, laughing at stories, getting to know each other's minds and boundries, picking the other's brain for past experiences good and bad. Calculating the parts of our common interests, ideas and goals to see if they meshed well. We fed each other, we giggled at our silliness, we acted like 16 year old teens who had just found puberty. And I cannot and will not apologize for that behavior whether it was walking hand in hand while nuzzling my face into his coat or kissing on the escalator (or in the car, or in the bar, or in the movie but that's another story).

Wait a minute.

Who's blog is this anyway? This is Mer we're talking about here. I can't be writing about birds chirping and people singing? You come here for details and details you shall get dammit.

Let's get started. (knuckles cracking)

I knew the night was going to be a good one even before it started. I wasn't nervous, I was excited....excited because I had spent approximately 8 hours on the phone with him in the last week. We had really gotten to know one another and it felt good and it felt comfortable so I couldn't wait to get my hands on him, I mean see him. (Sheesh, where did that come from?).

We chose a mutual spot to meet and he shows up with a rose. Cheesy? Not the way he did it, it was clearly sincere and not "a move." We grabbed a drink and relaxed and enjoyed one another. We laughed a lot, we got excited a lot and then we made out.....a lot. GOOD GOD my lips hurt from kissing him so much. Fucking kid can kiss so sensually.....yep, head jumping material. We kissed a little in the bar, we definitely kissed all through dinner and then the yeh........what movie? I know we were in the theater, I know people were eating popcorn and I vaguely remember Jennifer Aniston on the screen, but movie? Yeh....nope. He couldn't get enough of me and the feeling was definitely mutual. It was ridiculous - it was good ol' fashioned making out. Nothing crazy, just lots and lots of making out.

Alright, so I might have grabbed something I shouldn't have, but come on, I got to check out the family jewels right? You don't buy a car without test driving it first no?


The car.

Deeper sigh.

He's 6'0", 195 lbs of pure muscular mind wanders as I try to formulate this into a coherent thought for you.

Um....where was I? Oh - We're in the car and he goes to kiss me good bye and one kiss turns into another and before you know it, passionate kissing ensues, his hands are in my hair, my hands are on the back of his neck, my right hand moves down his neck, lower to his chest (OH THOSE PECKS!!!), where were we? Oh right - down his chest, to his waist, onto the cushion, I find the side of the chair, my fingers hook the recliner lever and WHOOPS, down goes Jake. My bad.....oh The Cat was ever present. I'm leaning over the middle console and we're making out, but not sloppy make out, NO, it was so sensual like he was kissing me for the first and last time ever. I try to readjust and he lifts me - that's right, lifts me from a laying down position and puts me ontop of him....I was stunned and extremely impressed because it required little, if no effort for him. Like, wow.

And you know what - that's all it was, lots of talking and kissing....a little groping, but nothing raunchy or over the top. We kept the really racey stuff to a minimum telling ourselves that good things come to those who wait....and he's definitely willing to wait, problem is, I'm not sure how long I can. Whoop! OH BOY!!!!

Oh Jake....I'm so going to jump on your head.

What has completely tickled my fancy about the whole thing is the innocence of it all. Do you remember those days when it was all innocent? When it was ok to just like someone for who they were? To allow yourself to have a crush on the opposite sex with no worries about "playing the game" correctly. Do you remember what it was like to just kiss someone? Do you remember what it was like to enjoy their lips and their sexiness for what it was? Because I've forgotten. I've forgotten what it is like to just make out with a guy and be completely enraptured by them. I had forgotten what it was like for someone to want to cherish me for all my wonderful glory...for my mind, my body and my soul....because he likes all three and he enjoys me. He wants to know where I've been all his life. Strong words for today's day and age no? But I'll take it and I won't analyze it...I don't feel the need nor the urge TO analyze it. No analyzation going on over here. Nope. Do you remember those days?????

Friday, December 23, 2005

Merry Christmas!!!

Fuck those who are bitching this year and using the politically correct terms - fuck you all. Its CHRISTMAS!!!! I raise each hand and give you the bird, I thumb my nose at you all. I say Merry Christmas to each and every person I encounter because you know what???? I'm wishing you well. I'm wishing you good tidings, I'm wishing you happiness and if I use the term Christmas - so be it. Damn me to hell for saying it, but that's my perogative and its only words people. Only words.

I can't believe how huffy puffy people get. Screw you. I was brought up in an era where everyone said it, now all of a sudden I have to change my ways??? Its not like I'm using a racial slur or anything. Geez people, get a life.

Anywho - this is my first Christmas since I am 14 that I will not be spending it with a significant other.....its ok, hold your tears. I will be able to devote myself and all my attentions to my family and not have to share my time with any family other than my own and you know what? I'm so happy about it. I'll finally know how Christmas Eve ends at my Aunt Margot's house instead of hearing stories the next morning. I'll be able to get ripped with my cousin's and my sister and poke fun at my dad and just about everyone else at the party and not have to worry about getting to my in-laws to open presents. By the way, Christmas presents are supposed to be opened Christmas morning - NOT at 9:00 p.m. Christmas Eve GLENN!!! Sorry about that, momentary lapse......

I'll be able to wake up in my old room and smell the sweet aroma of cinnabons and coffee Christmas morning. I'll open my presents in my pajama's as my parents look on and smile with happiness on their faces and joy in their hearts all while my dog will be stealing the wrapping paper and eating it under the table. And this year I asked for nothing because I am just that thankful to be home with people who love me. People who I know want nothing but the best for me. People who love what I give them whether it be a million dollar necklace or a card made from toothpicks. The people who made me who I am today....a nice girl who giggles a lot, laughs hard and loves big.

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you are as blessed as I am to spend it with those who you love most.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

My Smile is My New Weapon of Choice

The story that I don't get picked up in bars can no longer be true. I can no longer say that men do not approach me in clubs and bars.....I think my luck is finally changing in that area and I'm happy about that because I was beginning to feel like a reject. Its not that I want to get hit on by the trolls that frequent many of these establishments, its just that a girl can use a little ego boost every once in awhile to know she's "still got it."

Since the day that I have announced that I will dedicate my "dating" life for the better good of woman kind by writing down my experiences, I have had a string of good luck with meeting men. Oh sure a lot of them have not panned out into anything, but the point is, I'm getting feedback by just altering a few things.

Remember that saying, "A smile can speak a thousand words," or is it "A smile can speak volumes..." Not sure - but anyway, normally when a gentleman (I use that term loosely) looks at me, I shy away and look the other way like he's got the plague. Since the day I committed myself to this book, I've learned that a small, shy smile is just enough incentive for a lot of men. How fucking easy is that? A few times in recent weeks, particularly this past weekend, I used said smile and sure enough, the results were wonderful. Had I not smiled my smile, Dr. Leiberman would be so proud, I wouldn't have met a really nice, handsome, funny, gentleman (yes I can use this term about him) on Saturday night.

I spoke about him the other day and I was a little wary because again, he lives far. However, he called me and we wound up on the phone for three hours. Three friggin hours - GOOD LORD, I haven't done that since I was in high school. And we spoke again last night for well over an hour - time just flies when your having fun I guess. He's awesome though and I hope I get the opportunity to see him again in I can jump on his fucking head! HA!!

At lunch today the smile worked, but I was at work and was completely caught off guard. So much so that I had to stop what I was doing at leave the lunchroom. I mean this guy was good looking, made eye contact and then wouldn't stop the eye contact. I was laughing so hard I couldn't speak. Then he mouthed something to me and I lost it - I couldn't take it anymore and I had to leave. It was so emabrassing. It was cute, but embarassing. I need to grow a set and get on it right?

On another note, Johnny Damon was just signed as a New York Yankees. I should have written about this before because I knew, the SECOND it was mentioned that he might become a Yankee (about a month or so ago), I just knew it was going to happen. I know that other teams were interested, and apparently Johnny is supposed to be a Big Boston Boy, but everyone - I don't care who the hell you are - everyone wants to be a Yankee. Is it the pay? Is it the ego that comes with the pinstripes? Not sure and I don't care what it is, everyone, given the opportunity and the right price will come over to the pinstripe side. AND I dont' care if you are Mets, Angels, Boston, Cardinals, or Cubs fan, at some point in time you all lose a player to the Yankees. Its a fact of life. I don't know how I feel about him coming to the Yankees because I was a Bernie fan, but he's getting old and Johnny is only 31. Let's see if he produces because if he doesn't, there will be hell to pay.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Oooo Karma You Sneaky Devil

Karma, O you sneaky little Devil you. You strike when people least expect it and you can be a total and complete rat bastard when you want to be. I promise, I will try so hard not to cross you and continue living my life by way of good and bad.

Trixie - sigh. When will you learn? I love you, you are my friend and I want nothing but the best for you, but why you don't listen to the voice of Mer when she gives you advice? Instead you pool your friends and listen to the ones who tell you what you want to hear. You'll never learn.

For those who do not know Trixie and her personality, I will tell you this, she is, how do I explain??? Well she's conceited. We've all told her that and she's said and I quote, "I'm not conceited. I'm cocky. There's a difference." No there isn't, but anyway, the cockiness tends to make her feel like she's an untouchable and that's not good. Plus, she honestly does not know what it is like to be without a man in her life. She is ALWAYS dating someone. That's just her. As long as I've known her, she's always had a man in her life. Correction, she's had men in her life. I am NOT holier than thou, and I do not judge her - if she wants to date more than one man until one of them is ready to say - "let's be exclusive" - that's perfectly fine.....unless they are under the pretense that they are the only man in her life, which is exactly what they think.

I've given her warnings, I've told her that one day she will get caught, that her luck will soon run out, that she is certainly playing with fire and her response is usually one of two things, "I'm not exclusive and until one is ready for a committment, then I'm ok. I don't owe anyone anything." OR, "I've done this before and I've NEVER gotten caught."


The first reaction I can almost agree with - almost, however, I won't say she was dating all three men, but I will say she was having "relations," and I knew that although these men did not know one another, nor did they even live anywhere close to each other, it was just a matter of time before Karma knocked on the door and said, "Time. Anti up."

Sure enough, the man who was in the forefront for her affections was clearly the one she hurt the most. He was what she was looking for, good looking, great job, own place, own car, lived in an exclusive part of NYC, showed loads of affection, was intelligent, spent boatloads of cash on her and her friends (me and Samantha) and he was crazy gonzo for her. So of course he was the one she hurt most.

For all her scheming she got caught in the stupidest of ways, on the phone while peeing. That's right. Peeing!!! See Trixie doesn't care if she's on the phone with you, me or the Pope, if she's got to pee, she goes pee. She was at his house, relaxing and she received a phone call and decided to use the bathroom while on the phone. Bad move - the bathroom is large and it echos - very very loudly. Second bad move was not turning the volume down on her phone. This guy is sitting on the bed right outside the door when her friend asks Trixie, "Is he the only guy you are dating?" In a very, "duh stupid question" manner, she replied, "Humph....No."

The second Trixie came out of the bathroom, his demeanor had already changed and he became cold, distant and standoffish. She was up shit's creek. She tried to talk to him and work it out, but he wasn't having it. He stuck to his guns. Let's put it this way - every time she says goodbye to him, he doesn't want to let go. He'll hug her, kiss her and hug her some more - when she left, he not only did NOT do any of those things, his good bye was, "Take care."


I certainly do not want to see her hurt, but I couldn't help but tell her that I had told her it was going to end like this eventually and karma being the bitch she is would totally hit her ten fold. See Karma doesn't come at you with one bad turn deserves another - nope, it finds something you truly like and it smashes it to utterly nothing. One bad turn by you is turned into something horrible by Karma. It happens.

To add insult to injury, this morning she got a speeding ticket. Good god.

As her friend I can only try to explain to her why things happen the way they do. She wasn't going to marry this guy so she shouldn't be so heart broken. She also laid out false pretenses so she can't get that upset at him for telling her to kiss off. She can however learn from this and choose not to do it again. Treat others as you would like to be treated. I never thought it was a hard concept. Not that I follow it to a "T" - but I try. I really do. We make stupid mistakes, we hurt people we shouldn't, but its up to you whether or not you learn from it and move on, or you can roll the crazy dice and get snake eyes again.

She kills me though. She really does. She's dating other men and one of them (We'll call him Mr. X) she saw only hours before this guy - and she actually told me, "I like Mr. X better than V." - so why o why is she making such a big fuss? Because she got caught and her ego can't handle it.

Am I being caddy or am I being real? Humph. Good question. I don't think I'm being caddy because these are all things I've said to her face. So I'm going to have to say I'm being real. See I hate when people do this shit. Its not fair to the person who is its being done to. Its not nice and its not how I live my life. I don't know, perhaps I'm tired of her whole life revolving around men - which is something that rubs off on me....a lot. I've never talked so much about men in all my life as I have in the last 8 months and I can't help to think that its because I hang out with her everyday and that's all her life is focused on. Its a viscious cycle that I'm trying to break. It took me awhile, but I think the first part of it is recognition and acceptance - isn't that what they say in therapy or something?

Anyway, I'll try to keep you all posted. V, the guy she hurt, is on MySpace and we've chatted a little - nothing crazy, all hi and bye shit and neither of us have mentioned this incident. If I get an interview with him, I'll totally tell you about it. Totally.

One last note before I go - I saw Bon Jovi last night in concert and it was ok. They used to be my favorite live act, but it left me extremely unsatisfied. The sound wasn't great and they played a ton of new songs and that's not what they've done in the past so it was a little disappointing. It happens. At least I got to chill with my big sissy and throw back a few and when I say few, I mean I drunk dialed on my way INTO the concert - not out. Yikes.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Weekend Update

Not sure if this happens to anyone else, but I get my best ideas for this blog when I'm falling off to sleep. Problem is, I'm so damn tired and lazy that I don't get up and write them down. Instead I try to memorize my idea for the following morning - only to realize I completely and totally forgot what I was going to write about. God I hate that because I had a great idea last night but I can't remember it.....probably because I am still recovering from the weekend.

Thursday evening you know that I went shopping with my good friend B. Instead of writing a play by play - I'll just give you highlights. Great time shopping - seriously, we picked out a gift for his girl and even though he got aggravated at the whole scene, we still got a fair amount done. We then had dinner at the 101 - B paid - what a swell guy!!! Trixie, Samantha, her sister and Samantha's man all met us there. B also heard me sing for the first time. Now we all know that our girlfriends will tell us whatever we want to hear. For example, when we are distraught over a man, they will console us and make us feel like we did nothing wrong, whereas our male friends will tell us we were too eager, too possessive or too needy. When I sing, I get lots of compliments from people and my girlfriends tell me I sound awesome - but I take that only as far as I can throw it. So of course I was pleasantly surprised to get an email from B the next day, not only saying thank you for a good time, but to tell me that he had no idea that I had such a good voice, a phenomenal one at that. That really made my day because B is a critical person and to have him give a compliment is far and few between. - onward. I also drank a little too much and did my infamous drunk dialing. I only did two, but I apologize now for anything I said because I don't remember what I said. I wasn't plastered, its just that I ramble so much about absolute nonsense that I don't remember what I say. I'm very very sorry to anyone who got one. One more note about Thursday - I heart B.

Friday night - was a true wash. I stayed curled up in the fetal position all night and went to bed by 11:30.

Saturday - ahhhh Saturday. Very interesting. I had tickets for the taping of Comedy Central Presents and we saw Mike Birbiglia. No joke, I've seen him before and I love him. If you get the chance to watch the special - do it. If he's ever in your area, go see him. This is not an option. He has a website so Google him and check out his act:

"Yes I'm Italian, but I'm not really really family is more like Olive Garden Italian."

Come on - that's funny.

Anyway, after that we raced home, changed, grabbed Samantha and headed to the City to pick up a guy that Trixie is dating (more on this later). We then hauled our cookies another half hour away to White Plains to go to a club where this guy's "friends" were going to be at. Now I dont like clubs and I certainly hate club music. Why? First, I can't stand club music for more than 5 minutes, however, this DJ did play a variety. Second reason why I hate clubs - I dont get hit on because skinny bitches are ever present with their fake boobies and tanned skin. HOWEVER - this is a first. Mer met a man. Shocker. She kissed him. Yikes. But the fairy tale ends there my friends because he lives in Connecticut. Not too far, but far enough. We'll see, he took my number but that's only as far as it went. God he was a good kisser too. Mer needed that. Actually we talked for most of the night - I mean - talked. We danced a little bit, but we talked mostly which is odd for a club. I'm getting side tracked - most did the kiss happen. Ooooo aaaahhhhh - Well, that night Trixie's purse was stolen, thank god it was recovered only missing $60. When the intensity wore off, he asked if he could kiss me, "May I kiss you now?" - I blushed - yes I blushed - shoot me. I instantly thought to myself in a split second "You never do this. It would be so nice to kiss a guy. What would Trixie do?" So I said yes. It was luxurious. I mean, wow. My friggin toes curled and screamed "Yowzer!!!" He pulls away and says, "You're a good kisser." - my response, "I know." and I kissed him again. AAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like a school girl. I'm so lame. After that we kissed a lot - we talked, and the talking would be interrupted by more kissing - nice. I asked if he had cooties and he assured me he was cootie free. Whew! I'd like to see him again, but if I don't, no big deal. Connecticut remember?

Samantha and I got home about 5:00 a.m, Trixie stayed at her man's house (more on this later). And we did the totally chick thing; we gossiped, chilled and watched a movie until we went to bed at 6:30 a.m. Friggin good time. However, I was up at 10 and we got out of the house by 1 to go into Hoboken to drink more and watch football. It was a good time, but by George I was tired and in bed by 7. I don't know how I stayed awake and drank 3 beers. I have NO idea. I'm stupid.

Tonight I am going to the Bon Jovi concert. I'm stoked because not only is this my 5th time seeing them, but every single concert has been good. They really are a great act to watch even if you are not a Jovi fan. I'm also excited because this is my birthday gift to my sister and I was not present all weekend to enjoy it with her. I'm on a mission to show her a good time. Each year we get ripped and call my mother from the concernt:


"Mer, is that you? I can't hear you!!"


"I can't hear you!!! Its too loud"


And that my friends has happened 4 times before. Good times.

Tomorrow I'll give the story on how Trixie completely and totally burned herself and how I'm not sympathetic to her ply. Long story. Be well and think happy thoughts. I promise I'll toast a beer to all four of you who read this.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Adventures with B

Tonight should be interesting and I'm hoping I have good material for you tomorrow.

You see tonight B and I are doing our Christmas Shopping together this evening. Actually I should back track a little and set the mood.

Back in the day (read a year or so ago), B and I somehow became better friends, I think I've spoken on this before. I'd go down to his office for advice on men, on my career, work stuff, just about everything. Well from that we started to hang outside of work - him and I would go to dinner and just talk - what he is for me, I am for him....a confidant. Even when Ted and I were dating, B and I would go to dinner alone and hang. Then whenever B needed the help of a female in fashion or decor, I was his girl. For instance, one time B had to attend a wedding (in the party) and he had to wear certain clothing. He didn't go with his girl, not his mother, but with me to do all of this. I was flattered. Oh and then there was the time that he came to me, not his roommate, not his best friend, not his family, but me to discuss his situation with his girl and I was happy to help. Again, he's not one to talk deeply with anyone so I was flattered.

So, now that B has a "girlfriend," (I use this term loosely), he comes to me for advice on her and now, I will be aiding him in a gift for Christmas for her. Good stuff.

Last week we hit up a Devil's game - good time. Everytime we chill its a good time and that's why I'm totally looking forward to this. I think we have the ultimate friendship and its only gotten better over time. We make each other laugh, we never get on one another's nerves - because we know the word "space" and we've already gotten the whole "hooking up" thing out of the way. Actually I sometimes think that was the whole catalyst that brought us closer. Does that make sense? No more pressure, we are who we are and its all good.

Now you're all wondering - oh geez, she's got a crush on him. And to that I answer like this: nope. I love B. I really do. If I wasn't so intense and if he wasn't so awkard about relationships, we'd go far, but I'm very, no I'm extremely happy we are the friends we are and nothing more. We never hang out too much so that its overload and wind up getting on one another's nerves. Not here. Its always just enough.

After shopping though, I'm bringing him out to the 101. That's right, I'm subjecting him to the drunken stupidity of those retards. I highly doubt he will ever get on stage - but here's something that you don't know. When B drinks, he has this friggin great alter ego named Hank. And Hank - well Hank is unstoppable. Good lord, Hank is fun.

To summarize, tonight should be a good nite and I'm hoping it is because I need to lighten up already.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


Personally, I think Heath Ledger is absolutely dreamy. I mean come on, look at him! And I could really give a flying fig if he plays a gay dude in the new movie Brokeback Mountain - it doesn't matter, I'd still jump on his head.

Originally I only shared a mild interest in this movie. I thought to myself when I first saw the preview a few weeks ago, "Humph. Looks interesting and I bet he'll be damn good in it, but no one is going to want to see it with me so I'll wait for the DVD." To be honest though, all this Oscar buzz certainly has me mulling it over to go see it alone. Hell, I just might have to go and see it this weekend.

Oh Heath - I heart you.

I loved him in The Brother's Grimm. The story itself was cute and there were some funny parts to it, but it dragged and it could have been better. However, he certainly stole the show, he's a phenominal actor and I hope he gets the Oscar nod. Ooooooo, but he's also going to be staring in Casanova due out at the end of the month.

One word: Yum.

Actually this weekend I was so upset (not over men, just about life in general), that I went to the movies alone. I've never done that before and you know what? I LOVED it. I really really did. I had no one talking to me during the movie, I got to sit where I wanted, I had my own popcorn....everything. It was marvelous. So perhaps I'll do it again this weekend.


I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was actually a little down on myself - I was wearing the whole self pity thing - apparently its a good color for me right now. I'm not upset about men - nope, not at all. I'm actually getting very used to being alone and I'm liking it more and more after each date I go on. I guess it happens when you start to get discouraged by what's out there.

Anyway, I'm feeling down because for all my talk and all my complaining, my life is still the same. This is the first time I don't have anything driving me or motivating me toward some sort of goal. I'm not taking any classes toward my degree, I'm not following the whole acting thing, I'm living at home, I'm barely excercising right now.....what is wrong with me? Do I have the winter blues? The holiday upsets? Not sure.

I know I'll snap out of it soon enough, but it just hit me pretty hard this weekend....mostly Monday though. Monday was a tough day for me. I'm feeling like I'm digging my way out, but the dirt keeps piling in. Its a never ending battle sometimes. I'm a survivor so I'm sure I'll be fine.

One thing I did do that made me feel better - I pampered my mother a little last night. I went out and bought a fantastic dinner for her and myself. I cooked it, I cleaned up afterward and I even fixed a few things she needed done. She's been waiting for my father to help her with some stuff and its been taking forever. She was so happy to spend time alone with me and just chill out. I love my mom and she deserved it. Between my grandmother and my father my mother is completely exhausted so I was happy to do anything I could for her last night.

Good stuff.

Anywho, I've gotta run now and get some java for this little little one. Thanks once again for stopping in and listening to me drone on about my pathetically boring drivel. Have a great day and bundle up because its fucking cold out there!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Bar Mojo

How is everyone on this fine festive Monday morning?

That good huh?

Well I can't complain. Had meself a three day weekend thanks to the ass blowout of 2005 Thursday night. Trixie and I went out to eat after my haircut Thursday at Applebee's. I know - fine place right? Anyway, we wanted something fast, but we didn't want a diner, we also didn't want to spend a ton of money because we were going out after dinner to get our drink on. That just was not in the stars for Mer. Nope. Whatever was in that salad did the coocaracha on my intestines and I was homeward bound for the night. Enough said.

Even if it hadn't snowed on Friday, I think I would have stayed home due to this little illness and well.....also because I just didnt' want to go to work.

The remainder of the weekend really wasn't all that eventful. Yesterday I went out to a bar in Hoboken to watch the games. GO Giants and Patriots!!!!

Ok now you know how I've said this before, I don't get picked up in least not by men close to my age. Normally its by guys who are like 22-24 - although tempting, I don't bother.


I didn't get hit on once. Not twice. Not even three times. I think I set my own personal best at four yesterday - two of which actually got my 411. Nice.

First, let me start by saying that when I walked into that bar, men were so far from my mind. Seriously. I had NO intentions of meeting anyone, in fact, I was cursing men out in my mind thinking that dating just was not for me, because it really isn't. I hate it. I hate it so much that I think I sabotage relationships because I'm so uncomfortable. Its like this inevitable factor that I will some how fuck it up. Also, Ted called me that morning just to say hi and somehow we got in a fight. What is that? Apparently he thinks my life is in a downward spiral, but I'm in the middle of it right now and that's why I can't recognize it. I'm not living my life, I'm living everyone else's life and when I fall down, he'll still help me back up. THEN he tells me he can't talk to me anymore. Let's back up. I told him already I can't be his friend. I told him I'm dating now and I view it as a conflict. I told him that I was uncomfortable being his tell me. Where's the loss? Puuuhhhlease. I didn't get upset, I didn't get mad, I was just thoroughly agitated. Can we say delusional?

Anyway, Samantha, her man, Trixie and I headed out yesterday to watch the games. I guess because I wasn't "looking" per say, that I did finally meet a few men worth talking to and perhaps even going on a date with. But let's recap here. Mer has no good luck with men. I'm convinced. One guy lives in Washington D.C., his name was Ed. Ed was nice, he was cute in an older man cute fastion and he has a real job. He monitors - that's right MONITORS, software for the government. WTF? Can we say CIA or KGB? That would be my luck, but hey, I'm down for a little adventure and he was courteous and nice - nothing thrilling, very safe. I see a flash of our future together and I see a 4 bedroom home, two car garage, 2.1 kids. You get the idea. But again....he lives in Washington D.C. - not exactly a stone throws away.

Then there was Shane. Shane and all his buddies were in the crowded bar having a great ol' time when I come walking through their little intricate circle stopping them in mid-conversation. Not my fault, they were blocking my way. Anyway, somehow I get pulled into a picture of theirs, a picture turns into hello's, the hello's turn into a drink, the drink turns into shots - you know.....the norm. Shane was very....I mean....very, handsome. He's 34 and he's worked for the same company as a sales agent for 10 years. He lives about 20 minutes from me and already he wants to take me out. Not a problem - but already he wanted to completely make out with me. How do I know? He told me. Yep, after talking all afternoon and throwing flirty glances, this guy said to me - looked me square in the eye and told me - "I want to kiss you so bad. I just want to kiss your face.....I want to kiss you all over." -GOOD GOD - what is that all about!!!! These things don't happen to Mer. He kept hugging me and kissing my cheek, my forehead - anywhere he could place his lips in the realm of my face he did.....and yet I allowed it. What is wrong with me???

Of course I blew a lot of it off, I mean come on - we were in a bar!!! How serious CAN I take it if I'm meeting a guy in a bar of all places. - But the kicker is this....two of his buddies (can't be that good of friends), told me on the aside (separately of course) that if Shane didn't take my number, they would like to be second in line. Apparently men can be caddy too. I found this hysterical and a great ego booster too. Come on, everyone can use a little ego boosting every once in a while. Keeps us healthy.

So I guess I did well yesterday. I have more to say, but no caffeine yet and I fear that only an 1/8 of this post is coherent so I'm going to stop now.

But I'm sure you are wondering to yourselves, "what about Robbie?" - yeh well you see, I'm sure Robbie would have been great, but until March, his life is tied up in hockey working for both the Devils and the Rangers and I'm not about to pine for a guy who I'm only going to see every so often. He would be my numero uno choice, but I can't put life on hold for him. Just can't do it captain. When he calls I'll talk, but I won't put any stock into him. It happens.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Devils Suck Major Cock

Last night was my first Devil's game in almost three years and I was elated to go beyond belief. B and I had been discussing grabbing a game one of these days and yesterday when I made my weekly visit to his office, we decided right there and then to go to the game that evening.

I won't get into the whole game, but I will tell you this, they just aren't the Devil's of old. They have no heart and they are not playing together like a real team. It was horrible. I was happier than a pig in shit to be there, but it was disappointing to see them lose.

B and I though had a great time. I love that kid. He was pretty impressed with my knowledge of hockey too - go me. We have a unique friendship where I'm just about the ONLY person he discusses serious things with...i.e. relationship stuff. He has been dating this one girl for about 8-10 months now and I'm the one he talks to about her. I'm actually flattered that he talks to me at such length too because its my way of repaying him for all the great advice he gives me. I LOVE YOU B!!!!! Thanks for going with me last night. U D Bomb.

Honestly, we have a great time and we spoof just about everything and laugh at each other endlessly. Last night we started talking about being single and then the conversation got to marriage and then it went like this:

M: B, if I’m not married by time we’re 40, well when you’re 40, because I’m two years older – we should get married.
B: Great idea. Definitely and then we’ll have like 15 kids.
M: Nice. We’ll have the best marriage ever. We’ll drink, we’ll smoke, we’ll chill.
B: No drinking for you. You’ll be pregnant.
M: True. True. Ok, then you have to double fist – one for you and one for me.
B: Definitely. But do you want to wait until you’re like 40? I think it should be earlier.
M: Good point. Ok, how about we revisit this idea when I’m 35 and we’ll see where we are and then make our decision?
B: Awesome.

Come on....that's awesome and that's just about how all our conversations go.

HOWEVER, during the game, my cell phone goes off. Low and behold it's Robbie. I didn't tell you guys this, but he also works part time for the Devils organization but I never know what game he's at.

R: Where are you?
M: I'm at the Devil's game.
R: Are you? So am I!!
M: No way! I had no idea you were working tonight.
R: I sent you an email that I was going to call you from the game.
M: Dude, I didn't get it.
R: You should have called me from the game though. Why didn't you call?
M: Well I left you a message last night and I never heard back from you. You're a busy dude, I'm not going to bombard you with phone calls. The ball was in your court.
R: Mer. You can call me WHENEVER you want, however many times you want.
M: Nice.

Then he called me after the game and the conversation was about the drunk dial I left.

M: Are you sure it wasn't that bad?
R: Nope, it was just fine. You said something about having a good time with me on our date and then you started to sing "If I had a million dollars."
M: Whew. Ok good because I left two other messages that night. Let's put it this way - I called my friend Matt and told him that I was getting married in the Bahamas.
R: The Bahamas?
M: Yep, the Bahamas and I was inviting him to come.
R: You told him that you were marrying me right?

Yep, my fears of insecurity have been alleviated. Later on we spoke AGAIN before I went to bed and it was business as usual. Him making me laugh uncontrollably and us just shooting the breeze. We really are two peas in a pod and I am hoping that I see him this weekend so I can take a running leap and jump on his fucking head.

Who just said that?

Sorry, that was a lack of control on my part. You have to understand - its been a while for Mer. :(

Anyway, cross your fingers again because I think it worked the first time.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Signs and The WIllie Factor

People have told me, ok more specifically Trixie, has told me that life is not planned, there is no set course for us, yet she still believes in fate....its just a matter of reading the signs. Wasn't that in a movie or something? I think its all horseshit. When you read "the signs" its not about the greater order of power, its just a matter of reading reality. For example, if a guy doesn't call you, its not "a sign" - its much easier than that, he's just not interested, its up to you whether or not to recognize it....something that I was never able to do before, thus a two year bad relationship with the not so wonderful Ted. However I've learned and I've moved on. Go me.

Robbie and I keep missing one another - phone calls go out, messages left, timing bad. It happens. But is this one of the instances where you read it as a sign that its just not going to happen and you let it go due to discouragement or is just what it is....bad timing? Good question - but don't worry, its not one I'm going to pontificate.

I guess I still have faith in the date and the conversations we've had, yet I'm not delusional enough to wallow in the what if....I do have another date with Jamie so I guess I'm moving on. Here's the thing....I like Jamie, but that's it. He doesn't give me the willies - not that I'm comparing him to Robbie, but honestly, Robbie set the bar pretty high. Is it bad that I think that? Nah, I'm just being honest. I'm not comparing, hell no, but for me, I need the willie factor, the butterflies, the smiles and flirtation, the sexual tension.....I need all of those things in order for my attention to be maintained otherwise I'll be phoney and the ick factor will take the place of where the willie factor should be.

Oh god, I really hope I'm not one of those shallow people who like a little eye that wrong? I need to be sexually attracted to the guy I'm dating otherise the point is nill and the disinterest covers me like a wet blanket.

Then again, I'm not 48 and looking for a life partner to grow old with, I'm looking for love and sometime to spend time with. I think I still have loads of time left to continue to be picky. If anything this whole dating experience has shown me that I need to continue to be picky. I want what I want. When I was little I never gave up wanting what I wanted until I got it....what changed? What made me settle for less than I deserve? Was I that desperate before for love and affection that I allowed myself to stray from the self confident woman that I am? Perhaps. Maybe. I'll never know unless I go through some deep rooted therapy, something us poor folk can't afford. Instead I'll do what all us poor folk normally do, bite the bullet and move on.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. If I were to read "the signs" I'd have to say that right now I'm just not meant to be with anyone. The MySpace situation has been fun, but its leaving me so many other things in my life. I'm not giving up on love, hell no, puuhhhlllease, I'm not that pathetic to allow a simple stupid fun thing like MySpace leave me THAT discouraged. I thinks its simply run its course. Perhaps I'll even come back to it in a few weeks, who knows. For now I'll keep doing what I'm doing - trying new things, meeting new people.

It still would have been nice to have someone to share the holidays with though.......

Monday, December 05, 2005

Silly Girl

A fact about myself that I wish I could change. I am a silly girl.

My head is forever in the clouds thinking of "what if's" and the endless possibilities my life can possess. I get stuck on situations and think about how I could have changed them if I had done one or two things differently. Hours can be wasted contemplating what will happen as a result of these actions that have me so deep in thought.....all because I am a silly girl.

I fantasize.....Yes at 28 I still daydream of being rich and successful. I still dream about meeting someone who makes me more deliriously happy than my wildest of dreams. I will act out whole scenarios in my head of how a particular conversation would go with said gentleman - what he would say to me, or how we would get to know one another.....all because I am a silly girl.

If I see a man that I think is cute and I don't act upon meeting him....I play out the meeting in my mind and the coy shy looks or the words I SHOULD have spoken if I actually had the balls to do so. Or how about when I do meet a man in say a coffee shop, and it seems like we had all this flirtatious chemistry, but still it doesn't go anywhere and I'm only left with that chance meeting to be played in my dream filled foggy head....all because I am a silly girl.

In reality, I will rant and rave about going on a date and having a fabulous time with this date and then I go home and wonder if he'll call me the next day. I'll over analyze the situation instead of letting it be a fond memory in the catalogs of my mind. I'll spend days and days talking about him and any little thing he did or is doing. I'll even dedicate an entire blog post to him to work out the insecurities I am feeling regarding the situation.....all because I am a silly girl.

This isn't something new either, I've always been in la la land. When I was 6, my mother used a card board box from Toy's R Us (she worked there part time) and on the oustide of this box it said "6 Cabbage Patch Dolls enclosed" - that night I dreamt of my sister getting 3 dolls and me having three of my own. I thought about showing up to school and letting everyone see that I in fact had received not one, not two, but yes, three coveted Cabbage Patch Dolls. I slept with a big smile on my face only to find out the next morning that it was just a box.....all because I was a silly girl.

Now its to a point that I get so caught up in my head, that sometimes I miss the stuff happening around me. I'll get a phone call from Trixie gossiping to me about whatever happened or will be happening that night and I'll forget that my parents are in the next room eating dinner without me. Or better yet, I'll keep my cell phone with me at all times, just so I don't miss anything....all because I am a silly girl.

I've cried over men who were not worth my time, I've spent countless hours worrying about the fate of a relationship that wasn't meant to be because the romantic in me would not allow the thought of love not prevailing. I've thrown tantrums and cried my eyes shut when life didn't go my way, because he didn't show me he cared enough to stop my tears from falling.....all because I was a silly girl.

And last week I was a silly girl going over and over in my head all the times I laughed on one particular date. Instead of just letting it go and leaving the ball in his court I reverted to an old way of thinking which is ultimately setting myself up for disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I've heard from Robbie since my last post, but I'm not getting myself all worked up about it - the cynic is rearing its ugly head making me consequently cranky already giving him the relationship pink slip......all because I am a silly girl.

This relationship crabbiness is not all about him either. Its about me and my dip from reality.

Because this summer I spent a majority of it re-working my thought process, trying to become stronger so I don't get hurt so badly the next time around. Yet once again, like every other time, I let it ride and threw caution into the wind so that the silly girl could peek her wicked head out around the emotional corner tripping me and leaving me to drown in my insecurities once again.....and I hate that silly girl. I used to love her and embrace her because she was my inner child, the little elf that kept me kooky and quirky....but after the stupidity of my rants last week, I want to find that silly girl and smash her head in.

All is not lost though. After I soak in self loathing a bit longer, I'll cheer up once again and remind myself that its ok to daydream and to be "in like." Its ok to think about the "what if's" and the "could be's," as long as its kept in realistic proportion. As long as I remember that I am me and that's all just part of it. Because I pray I never ever stop day dreaming. I will always try to stop myself and take a look around and embrace me for all my wonderful, loving, kooky, quirky factoids that are all my own.....including the silly girl.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Fuck It. Right?

Fuck it, I'm going to talk about him right now.

Robbie and I met on MySpace. He hit me up on an email and there was something in the email and his profile that just kind of tickled my fancy so I replied. Not thinking much of him or even where it was all going, we continued to chat via email every few days and then finally I gave him the digits.

Our first phone conversation - good god that was hysterical. Now I'm not one to do the whole "me too" thing - you know what I'm talking about "I love dark chocolate." "Oh yeh, me too...." but we did seem to have a lot in common when we would speak about things that we've done in our lives and shit like that. I mean, I felt as if I have known him my whole life, that's how easy the phone call was.

Finally, after chatting for a good two weeks, we decided on a date to meet. Before I go any further, I need to say that I didn't talk to him EVERY day. Nope, it was every few days, but it wasn't a bother to me, I had other fellas to keep me occupied (and I still do). So we meet up for drinks at a mutual location and it was probably one of the best dates I've ever had. I mean, we laughed so hard, we talked so much, he gave me "signals" that us women hold in reserve for you men - you know, the slight touch on the hand, coy smiles, the offhand beauty comments - those things, so now I'm grooving on him major and I don't want to be cocky, but the feelings were reciprocated.

After this first place we decided to meet up with a few friends of mine from work - he's all for it. We go up there, we have a few drinks and before you know it, the bar is closing and we have to leave. At this point I've had a few too many (shocker), but I'm not trashed or even close to it, I just shouldn't drive. So we head on back to his place (don't worry, intuition told me it was ok - no creepy vibes AT ALL) and to make a long story short, I wind up staying over.

This is another thing I liked about him....I didn't have to tell him I was a good girl, he automatically treated me like one. He made sure that I was taken care of, he took precautions to make sure I felt safe and he didn't try any hanky panky.

Well that's kind of a lie.

We are laying there in bed - facing one another and we're talking, because we can't seem to shut the fuck up, and that's when he kissed me ever so gently. Yes, this was one of those cute first kisses, sweet, tender, and just right. He pulls away and I smile my Kool Aid smile so he comes back for more. We wind up doing a little smooching, but nothing crazy....each time ending with me smiling like I won the Miss America crown and he even says how much he likes it when I smile. All together now......Aaaawwwwwww.......


Anyway, (sorry I got swept up in the moment), we wind up kissing and talking until 4 a.m. - uh yeh. We sleep nuzzled up together (he snores), and its just....nice. Its been awhile since I slept next to a man, so I throughly enjoyed it. Next morning he had to be up at 8 - but we stayed in bed until 10. It happens. BUT NO HANKY PANKY - nice.

That night (Saturday) he has a bachelor party and I'm thinking to myself - "there is no way I'm hearing from him today" - but sure enough he calls me from the slot machines in Atlantic City just to say hi and even continues to text me from then on. Ok. Cool.

Now this dude is busy, like super busy, yet I hear from him at least once a day via email, text or a phone call....but my gut is telling me that he's not that interested. You're thinking to yourself -"MER YOU IDIOT, HE'S CONTACTING YOU EVERYDAY - What else do you want?" - and I'll answer that for you. I want a substantial phone call or at least I want one of his wonderful compliments that he so easily threw at me before. I want to know that he is in fact that interested in me. I want to know that the Friday we spent together, was not a fluke. Does that make sense?

I'm not going to see him this weekend either - he has a rehearsal dinner and a wedding and then its back to the hectic schedule his life seems to lead. I'm wondering if I even fit in because if he was that interested, wouldn't he talk of seeing me again? Then again, 10 minutes into the date he was calling for another one. I'm just a little confused because one minute I'm thinking he's not into me and then the next I'm hearing from him....but nothing substantial. Good lord I hate dating.

The Tard Bus is fired up and I’m at the wheel. All aboard!!!!

Seriously, that’s how I feel. I’ve never dated and now the insecurities are coming at me ten fold. I can’t take it and I hate that I’m allowing it all to get to me. I hate it all. I want to profusely apologize when there is no need at all….that’s how insecure I am about the whole thing. I think I was happier when I just shot men down or I just wasn't hit on at all.

Its leaving me a little discouraged and I'm not used to this. Part of me is like FUCK IT. Screw him and move on....which is the way I'm headed anyway because I can't waste time on this shit - that and I had another date last night and I have one after work - but that's neither here nor there.

Yet I can't help the part of me thats says, "it was such an awesome date!" I guess my plan of action is just not to have a plan at all. Let the cards lie were they fall and leave it at that. Ball is in his court - yesterday he did say we were going to see each other again, but that was before I drunk dialed him last night.....he asked for the drunk dial so I obliged. I'm an ASSHOLE. All together now - aaaasssssshooooolllllleeeee. I don't think I said anything wrong - but you know what??? - those that know me and love me, love my drunk dials - if I ever speak to him again after this, I'm going to propose to him right away. Well maybe not.

Fuck it right?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I Knew it!

It's absolutely amazing to me how right I can be sometimes. I said that I didn't want to talk about a guy - a guy that I am for sure interested in, but I did. I gave him the kiss of death by writing about him.

I guess I'm a little perturbed because I really thought that I would have heard from him about a second date. Wait, hold up, he has called me, and he has sent emails- but nothing substantial enough to have me believing that I will see him Friday night. I guess I'm just not that used to all this dating stuff and I need to calm the fuck down.


Ok, I think I'm done ranting right now.

Today I'm actually covering for Trixie in the main department and I'm not happy about it. Well I'm happy because I might actually do some work today, but I'm not happy because I'm not at my desk. I like my little quiet little private space....but today that is not to be. I guess I've been lucky enough to go under the radar this long, what's a little time in the main department then right?

Well I got nothing else right now. Perhaps I'll have some developments to report later in the day, but most unlikely.