Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Signs and The WIllie Factor

People have told me, ok more specifically Trixie, has told me that life is not planned, there is no set course for us, yet she still believes in fate....its just a matter of reading the signs. Wasn't that in a movie or something? I think its all horseshit. When you read "the signs" its not about the greater order of power, its just a matter of reading reality. For example, if a guy doesn't call you, its not "a sign" - its much easier than that, he's just not interested, its up to you whether or not to recognize it....something that I was never able to do before, thus a two year bad relationship with the not so wonderful Ted. However I've learned and I've moved on. Go me.

Robbie and I keep missing one another - phone calls go out, messages left, timing bad. It happens. But is this one of the instances where you read it as a sign that its just not going to happen and you let it go due to discouragement or is just what it is....bad timing? Good question - but don't worry, its not one I'm going to pontificate.

I guess I still have faith in the date and the conversations we've had, yet I'm not delusional enough to wallow in the what if....I do have another date with Jamie so I guess I'm moving on. Here's the thing....I like Jamie, but that's it. He doesn't give me the willies - not that I'm comparing him to Robbie, but honestly, Robbie set the bar pretty high. Is it bad that I think that? Nah, I'm just being honest. I'm not comparing, hell no, but for me, I need the willie factor, the butterflies, the smiles and flirtation, the sexual tension.....I need all of those things in order for my attention to be maintained otherwise I'll be phoney and the ick factor will take the place of where the willie factor should be.

Oh god, I really hope I'm not one of those shallow people who like a little eye that wrong? I need to be sexually attracted to the guy I'm dating otherise the point is nill and the disinterest covers me like a wet blanket.

Then again, I'm not 48 and looking for a life partner to grow old with, I'm looking for love and sometime to spend time with. I think I still have loads of time left to continue to be picky. If anything this whole dating experience has shown me that I need to continue to be picky. I want what I want. When I was little I never gave up wanting what I wanted until I got it....what changed? What made me settle for less than I deserve? Was I that desperate before for love and affection that I allowed myself to stray from the self confident woman that I am? Perhaps. Maybe. I'll never know unless I go through some deep rooted therapy, something us poor folk can't afford. Instead I'll do what all us poor folk normally do, bite the bullet and move on.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. If I were to read "the signs" I'd have to say that right now I'm just not meant to be with anyone. The MySpace situation has been fun, but its leaving me so many other things in my life. I'm not giving up on love, hell no, puuhhhlllease, I'm not that pathetic to allow a simple stupid fun thing like MySpace leave me THAT discouraged. I thinks its simply run its course. Perhaps I'll even come back to it in a few weeks, who knows. For now I'll keep doing what I'm doing - trying new things, meeting new people.

It still would have been nice to have someone to share the holidays with though.......

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