Monday, December 05, 2005

Silly Girl

A fact about myself that I wish I could change. I am a silly girl.

My head is forever in the clouds thinking of "what if's" and the endless possibilities my life can possess. I get stuck on situations and think about how I could have changed them if I had done one or two things differently. Hours can be wasted contemplating what will happen as a result of these actions that have me so deep in thought.....all because I am a silly girl.

I fantasize.....Yes at 28 I still daydream of being rich and successful. I still dream about meeting someone who makes me more deliriously happy than my wildest of dreams. I will act out whole scenarios in my head of how a particular conversation would go with said gentleman - what he would say to me, or how we would get to know one another.....all because I am a silly girl.

If I see a man that I think is cute and I don't act upon meeting him....I play out the meeting in my mind and the coy shy looks or the words I SHOULD have spoken if I actually had the balls to do so. Or how about when I do meet a man in say a coffee shop, and it seems like we had all this flirtatious chemistry, but still it doesn't go anywhere and I'm only left with that chance meeting to be played in my dream filled foggy head....all because I am a silly girl.

In reality, I will rant and rave about going on a date and having a fabulous time with this date and then I go home and wonder if he'll call me the next day. I'll over analyze the situation instead of letting it be a fond memory in the catalogs of my mind. I'll spend days and days talking about him and any little thing he did or is doing. I'll even dedicate an entire blog post to him to work out the insecurities I am feeling regarding the situation.....all because I am a silly girl.

This isn't something new either, I've always been in la la land. When I was 6, my mother used a card board box from Toy's R Us (she worked there part time) and on the oustide of this box it said "6 Cabbage Patch Dolls enclosed" - that night I dreamt of my sister getting 3 dolls and me having three of my own. I thought about showing up to school and letting everyone see that I in fact had received not one, not two, but yes, three coveted Cabbage Patch Dolls. I slept with a big smile on my face only to find out the next morning that it was just a box.....all because I was a silly girl.

Now its to a point that I get so caught up in my head, that sometimes I miss the stuff happening around me. I'll get a phone call from Trixie gossiping to me about whatever happened or will be happening that night and I'll forget that my parents are in the next room eating dinner without me. Or better yet, I'll keep my cell phone with me at all times, just so I don't miss anything....all because I am a silly girl.

I've cried over men who were not worth my time, I've spent countless hours worrying about the fate of a relationship that wasn't meant to be because the romantic in me would not allow the thought of love not prevailing. I've thrown tantrums and cried my eyes shut when life didn't go my way, because he didn't show me he cared enough to stop my tears from falling.....all because I was a silly girl.

And last week I was a silly girl going over and over in my head all the times I laughed on one particular date. Instead of just letting it go and leaving the ball in his court I reverted to an old way of thinking which is ultimately setting myself up for disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I've heard from Robbie since my last post, but I'm not getting myself all worked up about it - the cynic is rearing its ugly head making me consequently cranky already giving him the relationship pink slip......all because I am a silly girl.

This relationship crabbiness is not all about him either. Its about me and my dip from reality.

Because this summer I spent a majority of it re-working my thought process, trying to become stronger so I don't get hurt so badly the next time around. Yet once again, like every other time, I let it ride and threw caution into the wind so that the silly girl could peek her wicked head out around the emotional corner tripping me and leaving me to drown in my insecurities once again.....and I hate that silly girl. I used to love her and embrace her because she was my inner child, the little elf that kept me kooky and quirky....but after the stupidity of my rants last week, I want to find that silly girl and smash her head in.

All is not lost though. After I soak in self loathing a bit longer, I'll cheer up once again and remind myself that its ok to daydream and to be "in like." Its ok to think about the "what if's" and the "could be's," as long as its kept in realistic proportion. As long as I remember that I am me and that's all just part of it. Because I pray I never ever stop day dreaming. I will always try to stop myself and take a look around and embrace me for all my wonderful, loving, kooky, quirky factoids that are all my own.....including the silly girl.

1 comment:

anne arkham said...

Hey, I still fantasize about being rich and successful at age 37. You can't ever stop that sort of thing.