Friday, July 29, 2005
Agnes called back alright. Her problem with me AND Trixie is that she feels we show up to the company softball games to basically "shake our booties" and hit on men. Uh no. I've been friends with these people for AGES, we all drink, we all dance, we all party. But apparently the fact that I'm single now seems to throw a monkey wrench in everything - threatening her and her ego. Get over it. To make a long story short, Peter has been blatantly lying to her telling her that I've been hitting on him and all the others - mainly him though. Ok, whatever. Little does she know that I've been there, done that - got the fucking ratty ass t-shirt. She can have him.
After about 5 minutes of her stupidity I had to set her straight and I told her about him hitting on me over a month ago. She had it coming to her - she couldn't just leave well enough alone. Fuck her. I told her that I didn't want to tell her because no good could come of it. I have NOTHING to gain by telling her this information. She used to be a very good friend of mine and if she can't trust me so be it because we all know that the truth comes out in the end. She said that once someone loses her trust - that's it. I told her that's a crock of shit because why then would she be back with him after all he's done to her. Whatever.
I'm upset because I hate it when I'm made to be the bad guy when I didn't do anything wrong. Forget ever hanging with any of those people anymore.
She said I had no class - she said that she can't associate with me because she's not like that. Uh Helloooooo - your boyfriend blows coke up his fucking nose like the wind changes direction. He smokes as much poot as he can get his hands on AND to top it off he drinks like a fish whenever he gets around alcohol. She CHEATED on her ex-boyfriend to be with him - was sleeping with Peter for an entire month before she left her boyfriend! Isn't that like calling the tea kettle black? Totally totally delusional. Whatever.
I'm not saying that Trixie and I don't shake our asses and have a good time. I'm single, I'm allowed to do that. And I'm not denying the fact that we were eating lollipops while watching the game - uh its a fucking lollipop - get over it. I don't touch the boys and I don't try to get them to touch me - any touching going down is between Trixie and I.
Agnes also has a problem with us calling any one of our friends to hang out because they might have a girlfriend - um, hate to say this, but we were all friends WELL before any of them had girlfriends - we've been to concerts together, we've all gone to clubs, had parties - you name it, we've done it. Yet now all of a sudden its a problem?
Its got to be my fanfunckingtasktic rack.
I used to like this girl. I used to think that she was cool and that we would be friends for a long time. Despite all the times she cried on my shoulder because of the bad things Peter did to her, I was there to listen to her blab on and on. Obviously it didn't mean anything. Obviously she is delusional beyond repair. Let her continue to be with him, I told her that whether it be a day a week or even a year from now, when he pulls this crap on her again with someone else, I'll be awaiting my apology.
I totally sold Peter out. We had a pact to not talk about certain stuff ever again. I sold him out because he sold me out. He lied to her and has her believing all this crap. Fuck him. Fuck her. I will add to this list: Johnny Longwood and his brother - and H. Hate to say it, but H can suck my left nut for lying too. I'm calling all of them out on this topic. Every. Single. One of them. She listed them all as agreeing with her yet they each are just as at fault. We'll see how this pans out and who comes out on top. Guarantee you it will be me. I know too much about each and every one of them for them to try this shit on me. I'm like the Chamber of Secrets. I don't EVER use any information I have to hurt anyone, but this time someone is questioning me and my morals. I'm under attack and I'll defend myself.
Don't fuck with the bull, you'll get the horns.
Agnes, remember Agnes? Well. Last night after a single elimination softball playoff game she started verbalizing her anger for me infront of friends and co-workers. Never in a million years would I have thought that she would ever stoop to something so low - but people never cease to amaze me. But as always, again as always, I took the high road and did not respond. I know many of you would have turned around and picked a fight, defending your good honor until death, but that's not me. I'm not in high school and I refuse to fight with someone in front of co-workers. Just not happening.
What I did do was leave her a voicemail here at work to calmly discuss her issues and call me.
"Hi Agnes, this is Meredith. I think you know why I'm calling you, its about last night. I know that you have been giving me the cold shoulder lately and I figured that eventually you would want to talk about it. But last night verbalizing your new found hatred for me infront of friends and coworkers just wasnt' cool - especially when I have no idea as to why. Really I don't. So give me a call at work or on my cell to discuss."
That's basically how it went.
I really don't have an idea as to why this all started or happened. Yes her current boyfriend hit on me, but I can't help what he does. Its not up to me to shortern his leash and make sure he doesn't invite other women home with him. But I don't think that is it. I really don't know.
This is so high school and if she never calls me back at least I know that I put my best foot forward and tried to reconcile. If I am at fault I will apologize, but I'm not a malicious person and I do live my life by right and wrong so I don't think that what I could have done could be all that awful to warrant such verbal assaults from her. And as you all know, I do believe firmly in karma so eventually things will work themselves out. But of course only time will tell right?
On a lighter note, things have been progressing nicely with that guy I've been talking to via the phone. Tonight we have a tentative date set up - beer and pizza while he packs the last of his belongings for his move tomorrow. I'll keep you informed of how this goes. I don't want to get into too much because I don't want to jinx this. Yes, I genuinely like this one and I'm actually willing to admit it. Trixie is so proud of me for this and she's impressed that he's gotten to this point. All seems to appear good in Mer's hood.
If I hear from Agnes today, I'll post again and give you guys the scoop. If not, have a wonderful weekend and enjoy this wonderful weather we've been waiting oh so long for.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
HOWEVER, today I was chatting with the gentleman who has taken over Ted's position here in my company. While shooting the shit, many many things came out - for instance, Ted was apparently very awful at his job and not only that, production has gone up since he's left. They are also still finding jobs and tasks that he never completed.
Well. If this wasn't good enough news for me (because remember he's still employed by the same company, just not located here) - he's broken both his wrists. HA HA HA HA HA - HARDY HARDY HAR HAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently while "running late for work" he fell and landed on both his wrists. How much do you want to bet that this is NOT the true story and he was actually most likely bombed beyond belief and was really hurt in some kind of drunken rage?
Thing is, I don't care. All I care about is the fact that I always believed in Karma. I always believed that what you put out into the universe is what you get back. I never wished ill will on him, I never even stooped to his level with reckless banter and what not. I walked away and washed my hands of him. Life is taking care of him just fine.
I don't get it? What is so hard with being prepared when you get on a line? I always have my ID ready. I sail through initial check in and I fly (no pun intended) through security. What gives? Why can I do this so effortlessly with no issues? Plus what is up with people starring at me. I mean come on now. Ugly, gross, smelly stupid looking dumbass people starring is very unnerving. Add to this mix the people who have NO control over their kids and we've got nothing but Idiot Soup. Again what is the problem here people? How is it so hard to keep your kids in line. Yes I know that I don't have kids and I know that each kid can have their moments, but still, if your kid is screaming, carrying on, running around like a lunatic, get them under control! BUT NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo these people are too busy picking their asses, starring at me taking up vital oxygen. Fucking people kill me.
Doesn't anyone foresee the problems above and prepare? Anyone besides me? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? I can't be the only person in this world with a clue. Then again, that's what makes me awesome. Truly Fucking Awesome. Oh and the fact that I have a great rack too.
We now continue with our regularly scheduled program.......................
In my post last week about The Fun & Games questionnaire, it asked about a favorite drink. Gazookes! This did not only send me into convulsions from the brain hemorrhage of trying to decide, but this has me putting in some major thought. Seriously, I don't have ONE particular drink, its like asking me which one of my parents I love more! Just can't do it captain. But then this got me to thinking about the lasting and not so good relationships I've had with one Mr. Al Coholic. For this, I will tell you that I'm spanning the globe for a new shot. A new ripper so to say. But I have to tell you, I'm not particular to the sweet shots like woo woo's, buttery nipples and chocolate cakes. Although tasty, these suckers can sometimes turn your stomach or leave you with a nasty headache. That and I never feel like they do anything for me except add unnecessary calories. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right. Its go hard or go home.
In my 7 years as a professional alcoholic, I've had a vast array of friendships with liquor. Add to that my illegal years and we're spanning a nice stretch of time here. Some beverages were long lasting lovers that tweaked my palate and we had a great relationship at one point in time or another. Others, well they were one night stands to never be heard from again. Take Mr. Bacardi and I. We had a bad falling out back in 1993. Bacardi and I tried to mix it up a bit with this dude named Nestea (I was 15 people, bite me). It was at a house party where we had a huge fight that kicked my unfortunate ass pretty bad leaving me with my first "headache" ever.
As for Jose and Cuervo, I tried to run with the big dawgs for awhile. And I don't care what any of you mo fo's say, we all have a story about Mr. Cuervo. This one hurt the most because we hung out for so long and so well that I thought we could have a lasting relationship, but alas, I was wrong. It was over the Easter Holiday in 1994 that we got a little too retarded together and decided to part ways never to speak again. Our break up was so awful that I can't even look at him anymore without getting sick.
But have you ever hung with the Smirnoff Ice Gang? Worst. Headache. Ever. They can chill for hours having you believe that they are all cool and easy going. So not only do you hang out with one or two of them, but after you've met the whole lot of them, you are left the next day feeling like you just hung out with Guns N' Roses. Holy, Mary Mother of God. Because of those retards I missed an appointment the next day that I waited 3 months for. Jerkoffs.
Currently I am not on speaking terms with the trendy and popular duo Soko & Lime. Yeh fuck them snotty bitches, hanging with them makes me want to puke. Swear. And I've been feuding with my all time favorite foreigner - Jaegermeister which is so very sad on a number of levels. He was always my "go to guy" on any given night, but lately he's just not as much fun anymore. But such is life right?
All of these guys and gals were always great peeps and each served as a stepping stone at one point in time. Some I miss, some I definitely don't want to EVER converse with again if I can help it. Call me a stuck up bitch, I don't care, I'm choosing my friends wisely from now on.
I am currently actively searching for a new buddy. Rumplemintz has made an appearance lately and perhaps I shall ask him to tango tonight, but I have a feeling this relationship will only end badly. Only time will tell.
Tonight will be yet another night of drunken stupidity that will have me believing I am invincible. If anyone has a suggestion, I will gladly ask that you leave your comments. Come on, give it a shot (HA! - I'm funny - oh and I have a great rack - sweet).
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
It did not shock me though when I started to think about relationships. I thought about where I had been and where I think I want to go. I know I spend much of this blog either wallowing in my own misery or talking about the drunken debacles I can get myself in. I know I spoke about the one and only date that I've been on in the last 4 months and I know I've spoken about the drunk smooching that's occurred. But what I am always reluctant to talk about is whether or not I am truly ready to be with someone else because I jump from one side of the fence to the other like the clock ticks off each minute. That's what I mean when I am flippant because I'm a silly girl who really doesn't know what she wants. Until now.
Twenty percent is what I am willing to give right now when it comes to dating. I don't want to give an entire quarter or even half of me to dating - that's just too much. I am happy being with my friends and the adventures we have. I'm happy with not having to coordinate schedules with someone else or worrying when we'll see each other again. That would be overload right now.
Twenty percent represents a big twenty percent though. This 20% would only date seriously interesting people and what I mean about that is, I don't want to waste my time on someone if its just for a free meal because my time is valuable despite the stupid rambling I may do. I don't want to be somewhere with a guy just because he asked. Only 20% is open for business and only 20% is available for emotion. I've been hurt way too much to open myself up to be hurt again, therefore, only serious applications will be taken as of now.
There is one man in particular that has me interested - ok smitten to be more exact. The problem is I become a giggling, bumbling idiot when I talk to him. I actually spoke to him for about a half hour last night and for WHATEVER reason I was reduced to a 13 year old school girl speaking for the first time to her long time crush. What is that? I used to have game - but my team seemed to hit the showers a little early leaving behind the towel boy to interviewed by SportsCenter. So so wrong.
Maybe its because we used to be mutual friends of a third party. We've hung out a few times, (always including the third party) and done the flirty dance - hell I predicted one time that we would have sex one day - then again booze was in fact involved so that can't really count. But last night I was actually shy.
Mer + shy = NEVER!
Its like oil and vinager, yet I couldn't help it. He called me out on a few flirtatious remarks and they had me stumbling for answers. What is that?
Me: Yeh Trixie and I had a bite to eat and then we went to Victoria Secrets to buy some stuff.
Him: Well you could come over and model it for me.
Me: (giggling uncontrollably) - STOP! You're making me blush! (barf)
Him: Really? You're never shy.
Me: I know. Well I guess sometimes I am. I mean it depends. Its just that, well....(fumbling for more words to express what I mean, but not able to do it). So are you a Yankee fan?
Another example: (god I'm SUCH a dork)
Him: Yeh I have some work to do on the house.
Me: Really? I hope you have lots of tools, its amazing the amount of tools you'll need to buy.
Him: You have any tools?
Me: Oh I so have a dirty comeback, but I don't know......Ok, well (insert name) if you have the tools I can supply the handy work - AHhhhhhhhhhhhhh (laughing uncontrollably like a giddy stupid airhead school girl). (Insert puking noise).
Amazing. Simply fucking amazing. I actually want to apologize for being an idiot because that's not me. He knows me to have this facade, the sexy vixen come hither and DARE to fuck with me facade - he doesn't know this part of me. Am I afraid it will be a turn off? I thought so, until I got my "Good Morning" text this morning.
He's kind of confusing me too. I hear from him almost every day, but yet we haven't gone on a "date" per say. Definite chemistry and he's cute too so that helps as well. And No, he doesnt' have a girlfriend (third party information).
He's closing on his house today and will be moving this weekend (40 minutes away) I'm just going to lay low. Its basically the best choice right now. I need space for obvious reasons (I'm a nutcase) and he needs time because of the house. A match made in heaven? I think not. But the added distraction is fate because it will aid in me keeping my whits about me this time.
I hate second guessing myself and I think that is why I'm only willing to give 20% to this at the moment - to avoid the school girl giddy bullshit. This will be to keep myself grounded and guarded - eyes open, face forward. Its all I can offer right now.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Alone. All by my lonesome. So sweet. Calm. Serene.......Lovely. A faint hum of distant boats whizzing across the lake, the last warm rays from the fierocious sun tickle the outermost layer of my tanned skin.
Wub, wub, wub goes the last of the jet skiiers. This is good, this is relaxing, this is what the doctor has ordered.
Captain Morgan and I had a little chat earlier that has lasted the better part of this mellow late afternoon. He's a good guy, he's made me feel at home. Perhaps its not him, perhaps I'm finally content.
This day has been full of choice, no demand, no questions. I kayaked, sunbathed, jet skiied, sunbathed, floated on a lazy raft, sunbathed, I even found a way to multitask when I took a nap AND sunbathed. Yes, I'm that good. Can you believe I'm single?
Now as the sun sets off in the the mountains, I finally can say I feel the first ounce of peace I have felt in years. Years. It was so worth the wait. I'll sit here and soak up the last of the rays the mighty Ra has to offer and tuck away this pensive solitude that has brought me inner sanctity. I'll close my eyes and remember the birds chirping as the lanquid lake laps against this metal and wood dock.
I love my peace, I love the solitude, my mind can think. It wanders and it dares to daydream of the beautiful life that lies ahead.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Welcome to the new edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun! Just copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you. Some of you may get this several times that means you have lots of friends. Yes, this is annoying but if I can do it, so can you.
1. What is your occupation? Executive Secretary
2. What color is your underwear? Wait, let me check. Ok, Pink G-string with a cartoon on the front of a bouquet of flowers that say “I think he likes me.”
3. What are you listening to right now? “You’re the one that I want” Grease Soundtrack – NO I AM NOT LISTENING TO A CD!!! – its on the radio.
4. What was the last thing you ate? Vanilla and chocolate swirl ice cream cone with chocolate sprinkles (Thanks Kris with a K – he he he he…)
5. Do you wish on stars? I wish stars like Brat Pitt and Collin Ferrell would smooch me. But yes, I do wish on stars.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Hhhmmmm, I’d have to say Hot Pink to fit my mood
7. How is the weather right now? Fucking gorgeous right now.
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Kris with a K.
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yeh, I love Pukahontas.
10. How old are you today? The Big 2-8
11. Favorite drink? What a mean question!!! I mean come on now, there is such a vast majority of wonderful liquors out there. Seriously, where do I start because this could mean so many things – beers, mixed drinks, shots? The list is endless! I’m being thrown into a tizzy right now just trying to decide…...........Ok calming down, serenity now, serenity now.
Geez, I was thrown into a code red with that question. Toss up here. Right now, beer would be Corona on a hot day, Bass in the Autumn – if it’s a mixed drink, gots to go with Orange Stoli and 7Up in the summer, Cosmopolitan in the winter
12. Favorite sport to watch? Another Stumper – Toss up between Hockey and football but since hockey is currently DEAD, I’d have to go with Football.
13. Have you ever dyed your hair? Uh yeh, don’t all women?
14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? Both
15. Pets? Cassie the 15 year old half blind, deaf yellow lab and DUKE – the best rottweiler of all time.
16. Favorite month? December – Christmas and Sissy’s birthday.
17. Favorite food? Ice Cream – hands down.
18. What was the last movie you watched? Wedding Crashers – holy $hit that movie was funny.
19. Favorite day of the year? My birthday duh, February 4th
20. What do you do to vent anger? I don’t know what you’re talking about, I never get angry. (STOP LAUGHING!). I leave the situation entirely and go for a drive.
21. Fall or spring? Autumn because I can straighten my hair and its still nice out.
22. Hugs or kisses? Need you ask? Smoochie Poochie’s all the way.
23. Cherry or Blueberry? Cherry
24. Do you want your friends to email you back? Why the hell would I bother forwarding then? Ah der.
25. Who is most likely to respond 1st? Trixie
26. Who is least likely to respond? B– just because he knows I'll get mad and he likes to do that to me.
27. Who do you live with? Oh man, this is so sad, I live with Mom and Dad, Cassie and Duke. (weep….)
28. When was the last time you cried? Sunday night…..I had an awfully bad dream.
29. What is on the floor of your closet? Tons of shoes, boxes of clothes, the lost link…..
30. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Currently in my phone book? Hhhmm toss up, I’d have to say Jessica, but I don’t see her or talk to her nearly enough. I think we’ve known each other 20+ years. Yikes!
31. What did you do last night? Had dinner with Trixie and dessert with Kris with a K –get your minds out of the gutter!
32. Favorite smell? Lilacs
33. What inspires you? My ability to move forward despite any obstacles thrown my way.
34. What are you afraid of? Splitting my pants. Oh wait, that happened last week, right Trixie?
35. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Cheese Please
36. Favorite vehicle? Again, very very hard question, I mean are we talking current or past? Sports cars, trucks or even SUV's? Why is God punishing me with such hard questions!!! WHY!!!!!!!!
Ok, I’m done, Uummm…. – Aston Martin convertible in silver with a blue soft top and gray leather interior, ’57 T-Bird convertible in canary yellow with egg shell leather interior and of course my car – 350Z
37. Favorite dog breed? Jack Russell Terrier and my Dog Duke. DUUUKKKKEEE!!!!!
38. Number of keys on your key ring? 5 – that’s 5 too many.
39. How many years at your current job? 8 fucking long ass years
40. Favorite day of the week? Friday night
41. How many cities have you lived in/name them? New York City, Fair Lawn, Prospect Park, Passaic Park, East Rutherford
42. What would you rather be doing right now? Smooching a boy while laying on the beach, two cold beers on ice – ok, lets be honest, I’d love to be in a Corona commercial right now – just add boy toy and stir
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Lately before drifting off into la la land, my mind wanders off and starts to think about everything. But my problem is that I focus on the bad rather than the good. I'll think about things I should have said, things I should have done. All items point to would of, could of and should of. Is there really any doubt why I'm so flippant? I mean come on now. When did I become a driveling idiot? When did I have my spine surgically removed? I'm too critical of myself and its a characteristic I hate about myself.
To be critical of oneself can be good and it can be bad. To be critical means taking a step back and readjusting, it also means obsession. I'm becoming obsessed. Obsessed with my looks, my weight, what I eat, who I talk to, what men talk to me - being better, looking better - all of it. I hate it. I want to learn to just be. Can something like that be learned without therapy? I know what's wrong, now I need to fix it. And I really thought I was well on my way, but these last few days have me feeling yuckie.
I miss him. Yes, there are parts of me that miss Ted so much and its only been in the last week or so. I find myself thinking about him and its not any one thing that I think about. I don't miss him in the sense that I wish I was with him or that I wish he would come back and apologize because I'd probably spit in his face. Perhaps I miss him because I'm lonely?
Remember the movie "Some Kind of Wonderful" - 80's flick with Eric Stoltz where his best friend is a tomboy and in love with him. Well. At the end Amanda Jones turns to him and says, "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong." I've never heard sweeter words spoken and that's what has fueled me through all of this. I'm a helluva lot happier without him, trust me the drama level has certainly dropped, but I can't help but still hurt.
I'm constantly asking myself the same questions. Am I disillusioned? Was the friendship all a farce? Were we as good of friends as I thought we were? I want to believe we were because its something he preached as well as me. But he lied, he lied so much about his alcohol and drug abuse that its almost comical. I look back now at certain situations and it all makes so much sense. I truly was blinded by love. Then again he was clever in the respect that he did the drugs while he was at work - he'd rather put his job in jeopardy rather than face me. Go figure. But that's why I hurt so much, because of the lies, especially the ones in the very end, they hurt the most. They bring me to tears every time I let my guard down and think about them. That's why I try not to think, but sometimes they creep up on me and get in there and route around and cause so much destruction that the repair takes too long and I can't deal. Its starting to have an impact on my life and this is not good.
Last night I was out with Trixie (what else is new) and I think I might have gotten a little snippish, then again I think she did too. I think she thought I was trying to corner her because of her current situation and I wasn't. Just because I bounced from one relationship to another which is my problem for me to figure out, doesn't mean its wrong for her to do the same. I'm just worried and trying to protect her from the same hurt. Sometimes we need a friend to open our eyes, and that's all I was trying to do. I want her to know that it doesn't take having a man, any man in her life to make her happy. She's a great person despite all of that. Its none of my business though. She should do what feels right for her and not what I suggest. For that I'm truly sorry about.
I need to get my head on straight. This weekend I will be in Michigan from Thursday night until Monday evening. I probably will not post during that time, but you never know. I'm looking forward to this time to be alone. I'll be sailing on 8 lakes all connected to one another. I'll be jet skiing my ass off and doing the mellow paddleboat thing as well. I'm hoping to do a little R&R and let my mind relax for once. There will be no men to distract me as I'll be with family and friends of my family. There will be no drunken stupors - which is good, I'll get to dry out a little.
Am I a lonely soul? Am I one of those people who are only happy when they are sad? I do enjoy the rain. I love sitting by an open window when its raining, I even enjoy walking in the rain. I also enjoy solitude. What does that say about me, that I enjoy gloom rather than sunshine? Am I dysfuctional or just plain fucked up? And when will I know that the healing has ended? Don't you think this is a bit long for me to be carrying on like this? Its disgusting, its ickie and I hate it.
Enough. I've had enough. I'm done complaining.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Last night I went and watched my former softball team play. I coached this team for 2 years and was a member for 5. This year due to back problems and Ted problems I decided not to play. Good choice. Maybe next year. I have to say though, I was a little disappointed. My memories of this team were great memories. Nothing but fun, laughter and good times. Yet last night was pretty lame and very disappointing. During the game the bench was quiet. After the game was the same. No more are the days with loud music, coolers overflowing with beer, dancing, flirting, joking and trash talking after each game. Sad, so very sad. Then again everyone is growing up, people are changing and I can't show up and it be the same. It all changes eventually. But this is an example that, no you can never go back.
Its kind of sobering I guess. At one time we all would laugh so much, drink way too much and horse around like idiots. Not anymore. Everyone has moved on and at one time I had too, but now I'm back where I started. At least I recognize that I can't go back. I'm not part of that world so much anymore and I can't just show up and think I'll be transported back to those good times. My expectations are always higher than reality. That's one of my downfalls.
I want to feel like I belong. Not the softball thing - I want to feel like I belong somewhere. Like Norm when he would walk into Cheers. Ok that involves a bar and drinking (nothing wrong with that I guess). But I do like my liver and I don't have the funds to drink every night. What I'm trying to convey is a sense of belonging, fitting in and feeling right. At this moment in time I'm in a constant state of limbo. I have no home in the respect that I'm not 100% comfortable anywhere. I'm home living in the room I grew up in, yet it all feels so temporary. Sure I can move out and get my own place, but that involves money and that's not something I have right now or at least I have, but I'm not willing to live paycheck to paycheck just for a little more space.
I'm used to having someone so close to me, a place to be. Someone's arms to call home and right now I'm lacking in that department. I don't need anyone and I'm fighting off the temptation to jump into another relationship. I want special, I want more. But I'm too fucked up from disappointment to function right now in a relationship. I don't want to harp on this topic, but its true.
I'm not as lonely as I thought I'd be. Yes sometimes I see my friends and how happy they are and I have a tinge of jealously. Sometimes I wish I had someone who was in the same predicament as myself so its not about the boys, who's attractive and who hit on me or said this or that. Sometimes I just want to talk about a good book, or a movie that was on last night - or even the latest Sportscenter broadcast. Anything but men. But in the same token, I do want to talk about those things, just not all the time.
Its been a little lonely, but I'm not unfortunate. I have good friends, God knows how much I enjoy hanging out with Trixie and all the trouble we can cause. Its always a good time when we chill. And I love hanging out with B, but he's always so busy, I mean we used to go to dinner a lot, but that's kind of fallen off since he got his shore house. Then there's Joey, but he gets a little creepy sometimes and then berates me when I don't hang out with him because I want to do something else. He's killing me. Kelly is always a good time and I wish we hung out more, but she's got issues with her boyfriend and until they break up, it will be hard to hang. I want to do more and be more. I flip between becoming a party girl and a complete recluse. Does that make sense?
I'm even contemplating getting a second job to fill my time and pay my bills. I'm suffocating on my own silence, my own behavior. Too much time to think can cause mass destruction. Nope, not doin' it. I'm becoming cynical and depressed. This doesn't make sense right now, I'm sure, because its a recent revelation that I'm trying to deal with.
Is it possible to have a mid-life crisis at the ripe ol' age of 28?
Answer me this people: Are you happy? Are you doing the things that you truly thought you'd be doing? Is life what you thought it would be? Do you want more? Am I alone in this? What do you truly want?
I've learned that nothing is truly ever out of our reach, its just a matter of what you are willing to do for it. I know what I want, but the sacrifices are so great. It would mean giving up the life I currently have and being completely alone in order to obtain it. Its something that I'm trying to decide.
So answer me - what do you truly want in life? No fantasies please.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Got a surprise package before I left work on Friday from a friend of mine. You have no idea how exciting it was to receive such a small token of friendship. It was totally and completely unexpected and it made my day - no it made my weekend. Its funny how something so small can mean so much. The person who sent this to me reads this blog and he knows who he is. Thanks again for the package, it really meant a lot.
On with our story:
Trixie and I are truly good sports, especially when it comes to our illness. Because of course now she's just as sick as I am - did that stop us from having at least ONE adventure all weekend? I think not.
Friday night we were invited to see a band play down in Hoboken. For those of you who are not from this area, Hoboken is a little city/town just over the river from New York City. Its a very yuppie, upper class town for all the wanna be New Yorkers, but at night it becomes infested with bar and club goers. It contains every type of bar, club and restaurant for just about any type of person, so of course it is someplace that I like to frequent. Its a playground for adults who like to booze. Nice.
Trixie and I arrived early, coughing, sneezing, snot gurgling, you name it, we had it. Into the local pharmacy we went, where we indulged in cold medicine and lozenges. How did we know that coughing and sneezing would actually attract the men and not repel them? Seriously, I had more guys wish me well Friday night, than any other night out. - A new hook? Nah. Go figure though.
But we weren't there to meet boys, for the first time in a long time, we were there to hang out and have a good time listening to good music. The night progressed as planned and then low and behold, the bat phone rang and sure enough it was B. Good ol' B said that he would be joining us soon enough because he hadn't gone down the shore. Sweet. My night was getting even better - I had Trixie, my co-worker, good music and B - what else could a girl ask for?
Sure enough Trixie and I said that we wouldn't close the place. Sure enough we said that we wouldn't drink "that much" - but in true Mer fashion I did not heed any of these disciplines, instead I indulged and indulge I did. Not only did I wind up drunker than drunk, B and I shared our first kiss.
Gazookes!!! The minute he walked in the door, the tension between us was already there. If you'll remember from this post http://findingmer.blogspot.com/2005/06/its-about-b.html - its been there, but I, and I'm sure him, never really wanted to act upon it. But it happened nonetheless.
I followed his lead with the flirting. Ok, wait I should take a step back - I always flirt with him, but its always as a tease, its always fun, I never thought in a million years anything would actually happen! I mean, this is B we're talking about here! Geez.... But this time he flirted with me. Was it always there? I mean did he always want to kiss me or was it the beer balls? I mean holy toledo cowboy! He kept saying he was going to kiss me and I kept blowing it off, yet kind of feeding into it:
Drunk and dancing...
B: "You soooo want to make out with me."
Me: "No. YOU. Want to make out with ME!"
B: "What's so bad 'bout that?"
Me: "B! You would feel so awkward. Right? Come Monday?"
B: "Yeh I would. But still...."
So I blew it off, but every time we spoke he looked at my lips. I called his bluff. I turned to Trixie and told her, "He keeps making like he's going to kiss me. That's it, I'm calling his bluff. It's on now!"
And well, that's how it happened. It just happened. Was it good? Uh yes. I will give him that much. He's a good kisser (what's up with this string of good kissers - HOT DAMN!). We kissed like 4 times throughout the night.
Now I'm left kind of in the middle. We'll never date. We'll never take it any further than that. If anything, I won't hear from him until I approach him by either calling him, emailing him or stopping by his office. Not one to procrastinate, I'll stop by his office. Why? Why would I want to make him or myself uncomfortable? Because B means a lot to me and I dont' want any uncomfortable middle ground gray area to last too long. I know him too well and that's the best thing to do. Tell him that it was nice and reiterate the fact that we were incredibly drunk. I'll feel him out and see how the conversation goes. I know we'll be cool, but still, I'm a little. tiny. bit. unnerved.
Wish me luck.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for this news announcement.
Just as I had expected, its all good between B and myself. I stopped by his office and we shared our normal laughs. No tension. If anything it was even less tense than before. I told him that it was inevitable and he agreed, but now that its over with, that's it. No awkwardness, nothing is uncomfortable. Its all good in Mer's hood.
Did we open a can of worms? Doubt it. He's very low key and doesn't stress over these things. I'm learning not to - believe it or not, I've learned that from him. It is what it is and he's still my friend which is the most important thing. But I am learning very quickly that Billy Crystal in "When Harry Met Sally" was very right - men and women can't be friends. The sex thing always gets in the way. - I'd like to add that - its just a matter of how you handle it in the end.
During the day I am the picture of stableness. I can face adversity and all that life throws at me. I enjoy life and laugh as much as I can. I bounce back, I feel good, I'm having a great time doing the things I've been wanting to do for two years. I deal very well with situations, yet this still has me sad. Sadder than I've ever been. He did me dirty and it hurt more than anything I've ever experienced. I've said it before and I'll keep saying it, I deserve so much better, yet I still cry. I hurt. I feel so much for someone who gave so little. Do I still need closure from him? Or am I just that desperate for love? I think its the former rather than the latter. I want to face him and tell him what a dick he was for what he did. I want to tell him what a loser he is and will most definitely turn out to be. I want him to know the pain I've felt. I want to yell, scream and punch - but I won't. I'll go on with my life. I'll never see him again, I won't try to talk to him because I'm not that pathetic. I'll write about it, I'll talk to my friends and the healing will continue. I'll carry on....alone. By myself. Defending and warding off the emotional roller coaster that was my life for 2 years. I'll be happy, I'll smile and I'll laugh like it was my last.
Because my life should not revolve around the past and who I love. My life should revolve around me.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
I had a whole post written about marriage and my views on whether or not that will ever happen for me, but I deleted it. You know why? Because I'm sick of being hung up on men. I'm not saying that I am going to spew women's lib or anything, I'm just tired of life revolving around boys.
"Who's gonna call?"
"Who's gonna ask me out this weekend?"
"Oh he's cute, wonder if he's single?"
"Gee I wonder if he'll look my way?"
Paalease. Spare me. So not worth my time and aggrevation. Se la vi.
Shit I'm cranky today - can you tell? I'm so angry about so many things right now and its all because I'm still sick. Seriously, I can't take this anymore - its sending me off on tangents.
I was downstairs getting coffee after I started writing this entry and I saw a cancer patient fall - it irritated me because I was helpless, I watched the whole thing happen. How do I know she was a cancer patient? Because I worked in the field for 7 years and I can spot one a mile away. I felt awful for her, she looked awful, she had no energy to get up or help herself. I'm so mad right now. I have no right to complain about my cold when a simple cold could infest this woman and kill her. I know its all relative, but still I'm so mad because she seemed like such a nice lady who was deplete of all energy. She just laid there like a wounded foe, no fight left in her. It was all so sad.
No more, I have to go before I get really cranky. I'll post later when I have something real to say.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
My life has always been a series of standard events, boyfriends, fiances, husbands and the like. I've been hurt and I've triumphed, but I've always done it alone with no shoulder to cry on. Yes I have family, but I don't get into detail with my family because I'm pretty private - "Oh sure Mer, get a website and tell the world your most intimate details - realllll private." Shut up. Its therapeutic.
I'm learning to open up to people and trust that they have gone through the same experiences as me. And guess what? I'm not alone. But in addition to my real life friends, people I can see and touch, I also have my quasi-internet community and I am thankful for the few people who read this website. The people who truly make me feel like they care. I mention these people because they wouldn't know me in a crowd of two, yet they always have sound advice and they genuinly care - its not about the pretty face, the nice rack, or who I work for, its about me. Thank you all.
So why now do I reiterate my feelings for the good peeps in my life? Because I am thankful. I'm thankful not for their friendship (well yes, I am thankful for their friendship), but I'm thankful because I no longer have my head up my ass. I'm no longer concerned with what I'm doing on Friday night and who I'm going on a date with. I'm thankful that I know I'm my own best friend because its through my friends' strength and their constant recounting of what a good, decent person I am that I know this now. Its strange, its odd, and all the same comforting. Not everyone is born with the know how to be your own friend. We all have our hang ups, we all have our insecurities, they're just all different. I'm learning to recognize them and I'm happy for it.
I hate to sound redundant and I know I've spoken about this before. But this is a whole new way of life for me. My best friend is no longer my husband, no longer the man I'm dating - its me. Its the people I surround myself with. The culture, the love, the existence of my life. Me, plain ol' Mer. I think I'm back on track to finding Mer. Its most comforting to know that at night, alone in bed, I'm content with the person I am and who I will be tomorrow, despite the fact that the road ahead is bumpy, its lonely and I have no idea where its headed.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Not sure if you remember me, but I was the brunette making googly eyes with you all Saturday night. I have to say, as beautiful as you were, you seemed a little boring to me. Most men when at a club will make their way to their target, and although you and I were in the same vicinity on more than one occasion, and the fact that you kept looking at me, you still did nothing. This is not to say that after another beer or 2 I wouldn't have finally talked to you, but the little slutty bitch who chewed your ear off made it a little hard. I appreciate the fact that while you spoke to her, you still made eye contact with me and who knows, had Trixie not received a phone call from an old friend removing us from the club, we would have crossed paths and had sex....I mean crossed paths and spoke. But I have to say, even though you were quite the piece of hunka burning love, you didn't dance and that was a little weird - I mean, not even one hip thrust, not one twirl (although that would have been VERY gay), you just stood there and sipped your drink. Again, this is not to say that I would not have used you like a Raggetty Andy doll until your left arm was hanging and your winky had fallen off.
I do appreciate the fact that you kept looking though because, well because you are hot. The lesson learned Saturday night was that I have to act upon my thoughts a little more. So for that I am eternally grateful, for the next time I see an incredibly hot male specimen like yourself, making flirty eyes with me, I will be sure to jump on his head.
Forever Hot For You,
I hate doing a breakdown of the weekend, but I think I should mention that I met up with a potential suitor on friday night. He is someone that I've hung out with in the past and I was supposed to have a date with this week. But remember that thing about Mer making plans and they never go accordingly? Yeh it happened again. He has to travel this week so he asked to see me earlier, and not one to disappoint, I accepted. Its been almost a year since I've seen him and you know that saying about curiosity and The Cat.
What shall we name him huh? We'll refer to him from now on as David. David is much cuter that I remember. His smile is cute, he's tall and thin (remember I like 'em tall) and he's sweet. He lacks the bad boy image that I'm normally attracted to, but as we know, the bad boy hasn't worked out for me in the past so I'm trying something different. He has a good paying job and he just bought his first house. Problems? His house is about an hour away and he's a year younger than me. I'm not forcing the issue as he is very busy and I'm not ready for anything yet so this might work out for now. Trixie and I hung out with him for about an hour or so and then decided to split because the club we were at was missing something, it was lacking something that neither Trixie or myself could put our fingers on. I'm not overtly excited about him, but that's probably because we really didn't get to talk that much because it was so loud in there. But he's WAY into me as evidenced by him trying to get close to me - you know, hand on my knee, dancing closely, hand on my side when we walked around. That all caught me a bit off guard, but it wasn't creepy, it was cute. I just hope the cute factor doesn't ruin it for him. Do you get what I'm saying when I say the cute factor might ruin it? It means that we all want what we can't have and having him would be too easy. But again, I'm trying something different. Not sure if I'll talk to him this week or not since he'll be away on business. So we'll keep him on the back burner and move on.
I said this to my friend Jay the other day. I told him that I flip between wanting to be with someone and not wanting to be with a guy. Its weird. When I say that I saw Mr. Hot Ass at the club, I really was enticed by him, but I don't know, I wasn't all that upset that I didn't get to speak to him. I don't want to be one of those girls who constantly needs someone in their life. I don't want to be one of those girls who has to be the center of attention at all times with guys swooning all over me. I like who I am and I want to be strong. I want to only depend on me because as Jay said, then there are no disappointments. I agree - totally. I think that at some point in time I will be 100% ready, but not now. Sure I've made out with a few boys, but that was all for fun and to feel desirable. But guess what? I am desireable, I am wanted, doesn't mean that I have to act upon it with every guy that shows interest. I've decided to be a little more picky. Yes David is very nice and that's why I'm going to give it a shot, but I don't want to push anything. He'll call when he calls, we'll have our date when the time is right, because again, I'm not ready for anything.
This is not to say that I won't write about the men I meet and I won't giggle over the flirting situation because flirting is healthy. No more are the days that I will shake my ass just to get attention, I'll shake my ass because I like it when Trixie smacks it and it makes us both giggle.
Plus, I need to do the things that I keep talking about. I want to take horseback riding lessons - I found another stable near by and I plan on calling it to see if they give lessons. I also want to take the photography class - perhaps I can take it at school toward my degree. Not sure, I'll have to check into that. I also want to take the singing lessons that I've been wanting to take since I was 12. I'll do these things. I'm just afraid of meeting a man and getting so caught up in him that I forget the things I love most. Its happened before. But at least I recognize this, perhaps my focus will be much better now that I'm aware. Only time will tell.
With 100.6 fever coursing through me right now, I think its time I stop rambling on like a nutcase. Its the first time in 2 days I've been out of bed so please forgive the rambling.
Monday, July 11, 2005
I will not, or at least cannot post today. I'm soooo friggin sick and I have not been this sick in about 2 years so I'm taking this hard. Yes, I'm being a little bitch about it. If I feel better, I'll post from home later. Happy Monday to all and to all a good night.
Friday, July 08, 2005
If you were not at the 101 last night with us karaoking like it was Star Search, I'll tell you what you missed. Ah nothing. We still sang, we still drank and we definitely got our groove on, but the party mojo was lacking. Sad but true.
Instead of posting about last night and why I'm not in the best of moods, I want to tell you why I'm sitting here NOT telling you why I'm in a bad mood. Because I saw Sven. - I call him Sven because that's the name we just came up with two minutes ago.
Sven works in security here and when we both worked the same shift together we totally bugged out major. He used to let me park illegally and not tell anyone - it was a whole operation we had going on here. Sven is also very cute, very nice and he's got a sense of humor. Oh but wait - he's married. Rats.
About a little over a year ago he changed his shift to nights because (1) you get paid shift differential (2) you don't have to do diddly squat on the night shift. Can you blame him? Its a win win situation. The only downfall is that we never get to see each other anymore. Every time he worked the main office, I would see him and we would chat until we were borderline "about to get in trouble." Conversation never lacks and he makes me smile (always a plus). I'm so happy we saw each other this morning.
I was walking into work with a sour puss on my face. Not feeling pretty, not feeling well liked, I was in one of those moods - until I saw Sven. Boy he sure can put a smile on a girls face, let me tell you. Not sure if its his cute looks or boyish charm, maybe its even the fact that when he smiles, he means it - he's just hot. Let's put it this way, on my rating scale (see previous post) I would put him at Horizontal Mambo, I'm making you breakfast. Yeh he's that cute.
Its amazing how easily I can be brought back to reality and out of a deep funk. I'm resilient. I'll be honest though, I really was not a happy camper last night and neither was I this morning. There are a few reasons why, but they just aren't worth mentioning because its all in my head. I need to remember to take things at face value and not read into them so much. That's my problem.
But let's get back to Sven because he's a much better topic. We decided that since I need to be famous (because I kick ass like that), he's going to leave his wife and be my date on the red carpet, always. Let's just hope that there is some smoochie poochies going on at the after party...... Whoop! Oh Boy!
Hey Sven if you do get a chance to read this, make sure you leave a comment - its probably our only form of communication right now - you being married and all - aw shucks.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
- Salt & Peppa
Been doing the ol' thinking thing again. This time about sex.
See, next week I'll be going on a date with a new guy. I've known him for a little while. Anyway, one of my posts the other day discusses the topic of "how do I have fun and remain a good girl?" This is a problem. See I have no problem doing the whole "Sex in the City" thing - where if I want to have sex, so be it. But I don't want to ever feel cheap or used because of it. I'm not that strong. God I wish I could be frivolous like that, but I don't want to be left with the ick factor later.
Twice since I broke up with Ted I have had golden opportunities and twice I've said no go (and when I say opportunities, I mean with two different men). Although I was in the throws of passion, (WHOOP! Oh BOY!), something told me no. The prude in me came out full force. I hate that. I wish I could thumb my nose, but I was brought up better than that. I would be disappointed in myself if I spread my legs for every guy I made out with. Yikes, that was harsh huh? But I'm the type of girl, that once you and I go "there", I want to go "there" every. single. time. I'm hopeless or just horny - your choice.
I'm not feeling very well today. I think its PMS, but I'm not sure. I don't feel good, I don't feel pretty, I'm tired and I want to go to bed. But I'm sure once I shower again later and get ready for the festivities tonight I'll perk up. If not, I'll just have to drink way too much, make out with someone much younger than me, and be a complete ass in front of about 70 people I don't know. Oh wait, that's every week.
Went to the gym the last couple of days and I'm starting to get the ol' gym fever thing again. When this happens I'll be at the gym every time I get bored, which is a good thing. I have this whole plan that I'll get back to my goal weight and then I'll have to become famous.
Now don't make fun of me, I want to be an actress. But I know that the chances of that happening are exactly 3%. Only 3% of those who try to make it in the business actually do. That's ok with me, as long as I give it a shot. I've been told that I'm actually a good actress (taken classes and been in a few plays). But this is the plan - I think I can do the whole Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise thing, but for me it would be with Brad Pitt. What do you think? Just kidding. (I was never a big Brad Pitt fan, but he's getting divorced and Uh remember the whole Troy movie thing? Yeh consider me one of the converted).
I even have my entourage picked out. B will be my manager and personal assistant. But since he'll be so busy I'll also need Trixie to be my personal assistant, but on the personal side - B will do more business ended stuff. Samantha will be my personal hairdresser and I'm sending my good friend Kelly out to learn how to do make up and nails because at this moment in time she doesn't know how to do that and I need to have her in my entourage. I'll hire Matt Lauer to be head of security (this is your job offer now Matt) and that about sums it up right now. Of course I'll have a little house on my property for B to live in as he is the oldest member of my entourage - I even conducted an interview with B already. It went something like this:
We are sitting in his office - him behind his desk, me in the guest chair.
"So B, you interested in being my personal assistant when I get rich and famous?"
"Yep. That would be sick."
"Ok, but first, what are your qualifications - besides the fact that you went to Penn State."
"I'm very detailed oriented."
See I'm an easy boss. Of course another one of his duties would be to make sure that I don't make out with anyone at these celebrity parties - unless they are an "A" lister, then its all good in Mer's hood.
One last thing. I've said this before and I'll say it again. I play with fire. H and I hang out every Thursday, not that's its always planned like that, it just happens that way. And we are in NO WAY dating or anything - we get drunk, we hook up and that's about it. If he wants more, he'll have to voice his want because I'm not a mind reader and I'm not in the business of training anyone.
But I opened my trap yesterday to Marcus and invited him (don't worry, I'm SOOOO over him), but I'm putting my best foot forward and inviting him - plus he's friends with MC who on occasion talks to Trixie. Plus it would be nice to become friends.
In summary, two guys that I have ruthlessly made out with are going to be in the same room together tonight (maybe). Marcus doesn't' have a chance in hell, although there is still a part of me that wants to be more than friends, that's all I'm offering right now. He burned his bridge with me. Which is sad because we had a ton of crap in common. But whatevs. AND, one of the little itty bitty's that hit on me at H's party the other day is supposed to come as well. Whew, all this male testosterone around me - don't know if I can handle it. Well I'm going to die trying.
And that's all I'm going to say about that.
Smoochie Poochie's all - MISS ME!!!!!
A few years ago I came up with my own rating system. You know what I'm talking about - the 1-10 opposite sex rating system. Say a #1 was Erkle and a #10 was Brad Pitt. (By the way, have you seen the movie Troy. Three words, Oh. My. God. - I totally need to do the Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise thing with Brad Pitt). Where was I?
Well ratings systems just didn't cut it for me so I came up with my own. A few things to make note of, when you are rated on my list, you can be that score and everything below it as well. Get it? Ok, well afterward you will understand. The other thing is, the top spot was amended after the frist time I spoke to Ted. He really is stupid so I had to amend the list because of him. You'll see.
- In the Pocket - sometimes when you meet a guy, you think he's cute, he's funny and a good guy. But we all know nice guys finish last right? So these are the guys that you don't want to have any sexual relations with, but you would love to stick them in your pocket and carry them around with you nonetheless. You take them out to play whenever it pleases you and they make you laugh. In summary, they are good peeps with not a shot in hell.
- Huggable - these guys are the guys who only get hugs when you see them. They are very huggable men and well that's it.
- Smoochable - these guys you just HAVE to kiss. They are adorable and you want to smooch them at the first chance - kind of like when you are 28 and the boy hitting on you is only 21 - you can't really do anything with him, but you can't help but want to suck his face.
- You Can Touch Me, But I'm Not Touching You - Some guys you know have talents, it just oozes from them. But that means that they've been around. In a way you want to lay there and just have them pleasure you, without really ever touching them.
- I Can Touch you, But You Can't Touch Me - again, some guys you just can't help but want to touch them all over and figure our every part of their bodies. Unfortunately, there is just something about them that keeps you at bay. Its like you don't want to be disappointed if he looks yummy, but he can't deliver. Ahem.
- Crawl - This is being amended right here and now to "Jumping on his Head" - there are guys that at first glance, the first thing you want to do is crawl all the way up their bodies and attack them. Thus Jumping on his head. Whoop! Oh Boy!
- Horizontal Mambo - this is pretty self explanatory - but just in case you are a dumb ass, this means you want to sleep with him. No doubt about it, you just have to have sex with this person. Example, if Hugh Jackman, Brad Pitt or Collin Ferrell were to proposition me, there isn't a chance in hell I would say no. This could be a booty call or monogamous. Your choice.
Now this rating system was pretty stable for at least a year, until the first time I spoke to Ted. You see Ted and I knew each other by sight for awhile. Then one day he comes into my office and proceeds to speak to me for an hour. The ENTIRE time I'm thinking to myself, "Its a damn shame that he's as dumb as a stump." Therefore, I had to amend this last one to two choices.
ADDENDUM TO #7 - Horizontal Mambo..A Or B
a. Horizontal Mambo - I'm making you breakfest.
b. Horizontal Mambo - Get the fuck out.
That about covers it. From this point onward I will refer to men on this scale and this scale alone. I find it rather descriptive and on target. A few of my friends have adapted it and now we know where the other stands on these things. Please feel free to use it when referring to the opposite sex when you email me or even with your friends. Its all good in Mer's hood.
Smoochie Poochies everyone and Boomshanka!
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
This website (blog) is mine and mine alone. I can say what I want at any point in time and its all mine to call my own. That makes me so incredibly happy. For the longest time in my life I felt that I belonged to everyone else, that everything I did was for someone else. I hate to be obligated to do anything for anyone. I have a big heart and I like to share, but on my terms. I know it sounds fucked up, but I'm prouder of what I do when I can do it with no strings attached - but I'm getting away from my point. My point is, I've worn so many hats in my life, I've never worn one for me.
Example - I am my parents daughter, I am my sister's sister. I am an aunt, I was a wife, I was a girlfriend, and at times I am a good friend in general. I am now an executive secretary and I am now single. My point is, I can now call myself something else. And this title makes me the most happy because its mine and it identifies me for me, for more than a pretty face, for more than any of the titles above to which they belong. This title is reserved for me and me alone.
I am a writer.
Ok, so at times I'm not "THE BEST" writer in the world, but this blog, this diary, is about me, for me, by me. Yes I talk about friends, family and even lovers (shock!) - but it is all from my perspective and my opinion. I could blatantly lie through my teeth and make up all this bullshit, but its not. What you read is what you get, I don't fabricate and I don't lie. Of course this is from my perspective and my perspective alone, but I don't care, I'm not here to please anyone, just myself.
Every time I sit down and write, each time I take time out of my existence to recount the silly and sometimes awful things that happen in my life, its therapeutic because its about me. Ever talk to your best friend and just want them to listen? Ever just want to totally sit and kick back and just talk about your problems, your feelings, your shit and not have it upstaged by another story of theirs? Friends are friends and that's what you are supposed to do, listen, comment, react and recount. But sometimes it feels so good to just have diarrhea of the mouth and not have to have your story immediately turned over, forgotten or even pooped on by their story. I've had the kind of friends or lack there of, who couldn't communicate in that capacity - until now. AND I LOVE IT. I love my little community of networking friends - and yes, I think of us all on the internet as a quasi-community of sorts.
I'm totally being selfish, I'm totally pulling on the reigns and screaming YEEHHAAA!!!! Because for once in my life, I have something to call my own. Something that describes me and all my passions. There is so much more to me than meets the eye. I get so hyped up when I talk to someone new because I want them to know what a big heart I have and how fabulous of a person I can truly be. I want them to know that until you cross me or give me any other reason otherwise, I will be a good friend and confidant blue and true.
I don't know, maybe you get my point, maybe you don't. I'm not that good of a writer yet for you to truly feel like you are part of my life. But I digress because it doesn't matter - this is my forum to talk and to let loose. This is my therapy, my church, my place of worship. Does it matter to me whether or not I reach you on a deeper level than what is here on the surface? Sometimes, yes it does but its not why I do this. This is for me and for me alone. Having strangers read this and share in their lives is just a bonus. I have become extremely happy to know some of the people that I now know through this site. It makes me feel less lonely, it makes me feel wanted and its all because I shared a part of me. Everyday I bring you into my world - of course my world resembles something like that out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, yet I still invite you in.
Take a peek, look around, sit back and relax. Its all about being content with one self. When you find that, everything else just falls into place.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Went home Saturday morning and remained semi-comatose for the better part of the day, when the bat phone rang and it was Schmitty.
"What's going on? What are you doing?"
"Dude Schmitty, I got home this morning at 11. I'm in bed right now. Why what's up?"
"We hanging tonight?" Schmitty asked.
"Of course. Dare you ask? What are the plans?"
"Be at my house at 4. We'll pre-game and then head out. Melanie is going to meet us after work tonight."
"Sounds like a plan Stan. See you in two hours."
Run down of the evening:
One more funny note about Saturday evening - at about 8:00 p.m., the bat phone went off and it was B. B was down the shore, so that could only mean one thing - he was piss drunk. Not one to dissappoint, he sure as hell was.
"Yyooooooooooooo. What are you doing?" asked B.
"Drinking by the Waterfront. Dude you sound tanked. What are you doing?"
"I'm laying in bed. I was thinking about taking a nap, but you know.....I think I'm gonna get up and go back out."
"Oh B, you kill me. How did you get so tanked?"
"BEER PONG YO!!!!!" He slurred into the phone.
"Nice, you're funny B."
"So uh, when am I gonna get to see those C's Mer?"
"You wanna see my C's?"
"Yeh, you sooooooo want to make out with me."
"Oh B, I thought that making out with me would be AWKWARD, no?"
"It would, but it would also be coooolllll...."
"I gotta go now B, talk to you later."
I love my drunk friends.
Friday, July 01, 2005
"Huh? What?" stirring his coffee.
"I SAID, GOOD MORNING DAD!"
"Uh, oh yeh, good morning," moment of silence, then he looks up at me. "You ok?"
Blood shot eyes, pigtails, glasses on and an incredibly raspy voice, I reply, "Uh, yeh why?"
Mom comes out of bathroom, and father continues, "Well you uh, got home at like 2:00 this morning."
Extending hand and walking to mother, "Hi, my name is Meredith and not sure if you've noticed but I've been getting in at 2:00 am for the last 3 weeks."
End of discussion.
My parents kick ass. They actually think its funny that my nose is running, my eyes are full of pins and my face in contorted to look like I'm going to shit myself at any second. They know what I've been up to and why I look the way I do. They were young once, but they were fortunate to live in a cool city like New York.
Last night was indeed a good time. Lots of dancing, groping, being groped (whoops that was only me and Trixie) and of course drinking. Some very general things about last night:
- Met a new girl last night who is friends with Trixie, aside from saying hello and good bye, I could really give a rats ass about her. I made a few attempts to be nice and talk to her because she is a friend of Trixie's and Samantha's. But she still judged me all night and truly thought she was better than me (us). I know by the looks she gave me. I don't care if "that's the way she is" - it doesn't matter, her life has no impact on mine and therefore the discussion will end right there. Oh wait, no, one more thing, she looks like her face got hit by a truck, but that's her misfortune, not mine. - Mess with the bull, get the horns.
- Peter was there and actually tried hitting on a friend so H's told him to go home - which he did. Thank you H's - I will now allow you to fondle my boobs for a whole 30 seconds.
- H's is a good enough guy. Although I think he has a thing for Trixie, I don't think it is any more than the fact that he likes to throw her around - a lot. Him being 6'5" and her being only 5'2", I understand. Don't worry, he didn't leave me out - he's not a two timing jerk. I got kisses - lots of 'em.
- I do like kissing boys. I'm good at it and it helps me relax. Sue me.
- I would like to take the time to thank Trixie for fondling my boobs last night - I lost count after 4
- I would also like to tell Trixie that she has soft lips. - Ew, no tongue, just lips - stop thinking along those lines people!
- Trixie and I are much better singers when we are drunk. What is better than two hot broads on stage groping and gryrating while singing "Bad Medicine" by Bon Jovi?
- Sleeping in the fetal position after drinking all night is mandatory. Especially when you wake up at 5:15 with the urge to pee. God hates me, because why would he wake me up to pee?
- Drunk voicemails seem so much funnier when they are happening. I seem to laugh uncontrollably just because I think its so funny that I'm actually leaving a voicemail for someone to hear the next day. I also swear an awful lot which throws me into more fits of laughter. To Matt Lauer and B, I really don't know what to say other than, Please forward those messages to me? I'm still a little groggy from last night and I could use the laugh. Its all in good fun so I hope I didn't offend anyone.
- And lastly, I have to apologize now to H's for laughing at him, it went something like this.
"Thank you for the money, I really appreciate it. I'll pay you back tomorrow."
"No problem H. We're cool like that, just make sure you call me tomorrow."
"I will, but until then, this can hold you over" (or something to that effect).
He then proceeded to kiss me. Now I have to give the kid credit - he's a good kisser. WHOOP! OH BOY! But in mid kiss, I started to laugh (giggle) - in his mouth. He pulls away and asks,
"What's so funny?"
"That's what I get for my 20 bucks? Zeesh."
"Oh real funny Mer. That was messed up."
More fits of uncontrollable laughter. Mine and his. Its all good in Mer's hood, remember? So Sue me. Seriously, I had to get the upper hand of the situation. Ok well maybe I'm not that smart and conniving at 2:00 a.m., but I thought it was pretty funny.