Wednesday, July 20, 2005

The Critical Within

Sleep has not been coming to me very easily lately. I can't remember when I got more than 4 hours in one night. This is so very sad. True that some of it has been due to my cold and cough, but its mostly due to my brain.

Lately before drifting off into la la land, my mind wanders off and starts to think about everything. But my problem is that I focus on the bad rather than the good. I'll think about things I should have said, things I should have done. All items point to would of, could of and should of. Is there really any doubt why I'm so flippant? I mean come on now. When did I become a driveling idiot? When did I have my spine surgically removed? I'm too critical of myself and its a characteristic I hate about myself.

To be critical of oneself can be good and it can be bad. To be critical means taking a step back and readjusting, it also means obsession. I'm becoming obsessed. Obsessed with my looks, my weight, what I eat, who I talk to, what men talk to me - being better, looking better - all of it. I hate it. I want to learn to just be. Can something like that be learned without therapy? I know what's wrong, now I need to fix it. And I really thought I was well on my way, but these last few days have me feeling yuckie.

I miss him. Yes, there are parts of me that miss Ted so much and its only been in the last week or so. I find myself thinking about him and its not any one thing that I think about. I don't miss him in the sense that I wish I was with him or that I wish he would come back and apologize because I'd probably spit in his face. Perhaps I miss him because I'm lonely?

Remember the movie "Some Kind of Wonderful" - 80's flick with Eric Stoltz where his best friend is a tomboy and in love with him. Well. At the end Amanda Jones turns to him and says, "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong." I've never heard sweeter words spoken and that's what has fueled me through all of this. I'm a helluva lot happier without him, trust me the drama level has certainly dropped, but I can't help but still hurt.

I'm constantly asking myself the same questions. Am I disillusioned? Was the friendship all a farce? Were we as good of friends as I thought we were? I want to believe we were because its something he preached as well as me. But he lied, he lied so much about his alcohol and drug abuse that its almost comical. I look back now at certain situations and it all makes so much sense. I truly was blinded by love. Then again he was clever in the respect that he did the drugs while he was at work - he'd rather put his job in jeopardy rather than face me. Go figure. But that's why I hurt so much, because of the lies, especially the ones in the very end, they hurt the most. They bring me to tears every time I let my guard down and think about them. That's why I try not to think, but sometimes they creep up on me and get in there and route around and cause so much destruction that the repair takes too long and I can't deal. Its starting to have an impact on my life and this is not good.

Last night I was out with Trixie (what else is new) and I think I might have gotten a little snippish, then again I think she did too. I think she thought I was trying to corner her because of her current situation and I wasn't. Just because I bounced from one relationship to another which is my problem for me to figure out, doesn't mean its wrong for her to do the same. I'm just worried and trying to protect her from the same hurt. Sometimes we need a friend to open our eyes, and that's all I was trying to do. I want her to know that it doesn't take having a man, any man in her life to make her happy. She's a great person despite all of that. Its none of my business though. She should do what feels right for her and not what I suggest. For that I'm truly sorry about.

I need to get my head on straight. This weekend I will be in Michigan from Thursday night until Monday evening. I probably will not post during that time, but you never know. I'm looking forward to this time to be alone. I'll be sailing on 8 lakes all connected to one another. I'll be jet skiing my ass off and doing the mellow paddleboat thing as well. I'm hoping to do a little R&R and let my mind relax for once. There will be no men to distract me as I'll be with family and friends of my family. There will be no drunken stupors - which is good, I'll get to dry out a little.

Am I a lonely soul? Am I one of those people who are only happy when they are sad? I do enjoy the rain. I love sitting by an open window when its raining, I even enjoy walking in the rain. I also enjoy solitude. What does that say about me, that I enjoy gloom rather than sunshine? Am I dysfuctional or just plain fucked up? And when will I know that the healing has ended? Don't you think this is a bit long for me to be carrying on like this? Its disgusting, its ickie and I hate it.

Enough. I've had enough. I'm done complaining.

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