It's a true relief to have good friends. For the first time in my entire life, I can say that I have surrounded myself with good people. Not many, and although I've kissed a few (including Trixie Whooohooo), they are still considered good people.
My life has always been a series of standard events, boyfriends, fiances, husbands and the like. I've been hurt and I've triumphed, but I've always done it alone with no shoulder to cry on. Yes I have family, but I don't get into detail with my family because I'm pretty private - "Oh sure Mer, get a website and tell the world your most intimate details - realllll private." Shut up. Its therapeutic.
I'm learning to open up to people and trust that they have gone through the same experiences as me. And guess what? I'm not alone. But in addition to my real life friends, people I can see and touch, I also have my quasi-internet community and I am thankful for the few people who read this website. The people who truly make me feel like they care. I mention these people because they wouldn't know me in a crowd of two, yet they always have sound advice and they genuinly care - its not about the pretty face, the nice rack, or who I work for, its about me. Thank you all.
So why now do I reiterate my feelings for the good peeps in my life? Because I am thankful. I'm thankful not for their friendship (well yes, I am thankful for their friendship), but I'm thankful because I no longer have my head up my ass. I'm no longer concerned with what I'm doing on Friday night and who I'm going on a date with. I'm thankful that I know I'm my own best friend because its through my friends' strength and their constant recounting of what a good, decent person I am that I know this now. Its strange, its odd, and all the same comforting. Not everyone is born with the know how to be your own friend. We all have our hang ups, we all have our insecurities, they're just all different. I'm learning to recognize them and I'm happy for it.
I hate to sound redundant and I know I've spoken about this before. But this is a whole new way of life for me. My best friend is no longer my husband, no longer the man I'm dating - its me. Its the people I surround myself with. The culture, the love, the existence of my life. Me, plain ol' Mer. I think I'm back on track to finding Mer. Its most comforting to know that at night, alone in bed, I'm content with the person I am and who I will be tomorrow, despite the fact that the road ahead is bumpy, its lonely and I have no idea where its headed.