This past weekend was wonderful in the fact that I spent so much of it alone. I was with family, and friends of family so excusing myself to a little quiet time was receptive. I love the water, I love lakes, oceans, pools and the rain - perhaps its because I'm an Aquarius? I find it calming and I'm at home with it because much of my time was spent sitting by the water or in the water. It helped me to clear my mind and come to many conculsions about myself and my life. I was finally at peace.
It did not shock me though when I started to think about relationships. I thought about where I had been and where I think I want to go. I know I spend much of this blog either wallowing in my own misery or talking about the drunken debacles I can get myself in. I know I spoke about the one and only date that I've been on in the last 4 months and I know I've spoken about the drunk smooching that's occurred. But what I am always reluctant to talk about is whether or not I am truly ready to be with someone else because I jump from one side of the fence to the other like the clock ticks off each minute. That's what I mean when I am flippant because I'm a silly girl who really doesn't know what she wants. Until now.
Twenty percent is what I am willing to give right now when it comes to dating. I don't want to give an entire quarter or even half of me to dating - that's just too much. I am happy being with my friends and the adventures we have. I'm happy with not having to coordinate schedules with someone else or worrying when we'll see each other again. That would be overload right now.
Twenty percent represents a big twenty percent though. This 20% would only date seriously interesting people and what I mean about that is, I don't want to waste my time on someone if its just for a free meal because my time is valuable despite the stupid rambling I may do. I don't want to be somewhere with a guy just because he asked. Only 20% is open for business and only 20% is available for emotion. I've been hurt way too much to open myself up to be hurt again, therefore, only serious applications will be taken as of now.
There is one man in particular that has me interested - ok smitten to be more exact. The problem is I become a giggling, bumbling idiot when I talk to him. I actually spoke to him for about a half hour last night and for WHATEVER reason I was reduced to a 13 year old school girl speaking for the first time to her long time crush. What is that? I used to have game - but my team seemed to hit the showers a little early leaving behind the towel boy to interviewed by SportsCenter. So so wrong.
Maybe its because we used to be mutual friends of a third party. We've hung out a few times, (always including the third party) and done the flirty dance - hell I predicted one time that we would have sex one day - then again booze was in fact involved so that can't really count. But last night I was actually shy.
Mer + shy = NEVER!
Its like oil and vinager, yet I couldn't help it. He called me out on a few flirtatious remarks and they had me stumbling for answers. What is that?
Me: Yeh Trixie and I had a bite to eat and then we went to Victoria Secrets to buy some stuff.
Him: Well you could come over and model it for me.
Me: (giggling uncontrollably) - STOP! You're making me blush! (barf)
Him: Really? You're never shy.
Me: I know. Well I guess sometimes I am. I mean it depends. Its just that, well....(fumbling for more words to express what I mean, but not able to do it). So are you a Yankee fan?
Another example: (god I'm SUCH a dork)
Him: Yeh I have some work to do on the house.
Me: Really? I hope you have lots of tools, its amazing the amount of tools you'll need to buy.
Him: You have any tools?
Me: Oh I so have a dirty comeback, but I don't know......Ok, well (insert name) if you have the tools I can supply the handy work - AHhhhhhhhhhhhhh (laughing uncontrollably like a giddy stupid airhead school girl). (Insert puking noise).
Amazing. Simply fucking amazing. I actually want to apologize for being an idiot because that's not me. He knows me to have this facade, the sexy vixen come hither and DARE to fuck with me facade - he doesn't know this part of me. Am I afraid it will be a turn off? I thought so, until I got my "Good Morning" text this morning.
He's kind of confusing me too. I hear from him almost every day, but yet we haven't gone on a "date" per say. Definite chemistry and he's cute too so that helps as well. And No, he doesnt' have a girlfriend (third party information).
He's closing on his house today and will be moving this weekend (40 minutes away) I'm just going to lay low. Its basically the best choice right now. I need space for obvious reasons (I'm a nutcase) and he needs time because of the house. A match made in heaven? I think not. But the added distraction is fate because it will aid in me keeping my whits about me this time.
I hate second guessing myself and I think that is why I'm only willing to give 20% to this at the moment - to avoid the school girl giddy bullshit. This will be to keep myself grounded and guarded - eyes open, face forward. Its all I can offer right now.