Thursday, July 28, 2005

Airports and Drinking Buddies

Not to brag or anything, but after spending numerous hours in airports this weekend, I've come to the distinct conclusion that I'm pretty fucking awesome. No joke. Examples? What you actually need some? Have you seen the people who travel? Oh bajesus! I've never seen a more confused, disheveled, clueless gathering of morons in all my life. Never in all the times I have flown has there been one smart person in front of me on ANY line, and now due to 9/11, we can say there are a multitude of lines you must endure upon entering the airport.

I don't get it? What is so hard with being prepared when you get on a line? I always have my ID ready. I sail through initial check in and I fly (no pun intended) through security. What gives? Why can I do this so effortlessly with no issues? Plus what is up with people starring at me. I mean come on now. Ugly, gross, smelly stupid looking dumbass people starring is very unnerving. Add to this mix the people who have NO control over their kids and we've got nothing but Idiot Soup. Again what is the problem here people? How is it so hard to keep your kids in line. Yes I know that I don't have kids and I know that each kid can have their moments, but still, if your kid is screaming, carrying on, running around like a lunatic, get them under control! BUT NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo these people are too busy picking their asses, starring at me taking up vital oxygen. Fucking people kill me.

Doesn't anyone foresee the problems above and prepare? Anyone besides me? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? I can't be the only person in this world with a clue. Then again, that's what makes me awesome. Truly Fucking Awesome. Oh and the fact that I have a great rack too.


We now continue with our regularly scheduled program.......................

In my post last week about The Fun & Games questionnaire, it asked about a favorite drink. Gazookes! This did not only send me into convulsions from the brain hemorrhage of trying to decide, but this has me putting in some major thought. Seriously, I don't have ONE particular drink, its like asking me which one of my parents I love more! Just can't do it captain. But then this got me to thinking about the lasting and not so good relationships I've had with one Mr. Al Coholic. For this, I will tell you that I'm spanning the globe for a new shot. A new ripper so to say. But I have to tell you, I'm not particular to the sweet shots like woo woo's, buttery nipples and chocolate cakes. Although tasty, these suckers can sometimes turn your stomach or leave you with a nasty headache. That and I never feel like they do anything for me except add unnecessary calories. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right. Its go hard or go home.

In my 7 years as a professional alcoholic, I've had a vast array of friendships with liquor. Add to that my illegal years and we're spanning a nice stretch of time here. Some beverages were long lasting lovers that tweaked my palate and we had a great relationship at one point in time or another. Others, well they were one night stands to never be heard from again. Take Mr. Bacardi and I. We had a bad falling out back in 1993. Bacardi and I tried to mix it up a bit with this dude named Nestea (I was 15 people, bite me). It was at a house party where we had a huge fight that kicked my unfortunate ass pretty bad leaving me with my first "headache" ever.

As for Jose and Cuervo, I tried to run with the big dawgs for awhile. And I don't care what any of you mo fo's say, we all have a story about Mr. Cuervo. This one hurt the most because we hung out for so long and so well that I thought we could have a lasting relationship, but alas, I was wrong. It was over the Easter Holiday in 1994 that we got a little too retarded together and decided to part ways never to speak again. Our break up was so awful that I can't even look at him anymore without getting sick.

But have you ever hung with the Smirnoff Ice Gang? Worst. Headache. Ever. They can chill for hours having you believe that they are all cool and easy going. So not only do you hang out with one or two of them, but after you've met the whole lot of them, you are left the next day feeling like you just hung out with Guns N' Roses. Holy, Mary Mother of God. Because of those retards I missed an appointment the next day that I waited 3 months for. Jerkoffs.

Currently I am not on speaking terms with the trendy and popular duo Soko & Lime. Yeh fuck them snotty bitches, hanging with them makes me want to puke. Swear. And I've been feuding with my all time favorite foreigner - Jaegermeister which is so very sad on a number of levels. He was always my "go to guy" on any given night, but lately he's just not as much fun anymore. But such is life right?

All of these guys and gals were always great peeps and each served as a stepping stone at one point in time. Some I miss, some I definitely don't want to EVER converse with again if I can help it. Call me a stuck up bitch, I don't care, I'm choosing my friends wisely from now on.

I am currently actively searching for a new buddy. Rumplemintz has made an appearance lately and perhaps I shall ask him to tango tonight, but I have a feeling this relationship will only end badly. Only time will tell.

Tonight will be yet another night of drunken stupidity that will have me believing I am invincible. If anyone has a suggestion, I will gladly ask that you leave your comments. Come on, give it a shot (HA! - I'm funny - oh and I have a great rack - sweet).


Matt said...

You make mention of being a professional alcoholic. I hate to inform you, but you, like me are not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings, we are drunks, plain and simple! :)

irritable chap said...

A very good friend of mine is NBA (Newcastle Brown Ale) he's always been there or thereabouts for 16 years, bit high on the calorific value, 5% (ish)ABV, tastes a bit like Chimay (French/Belgian beer). Recommended. And I agree with Matt we're just drunks.