Monday, July 18, 2005

Bad Dreams

It's the temporary stitches dissolving around my heart that have me feeling this way today. I began to drift off to sleep last night, you know that "not so much asleep" that I can still hear the cars on the street and the television softly murmuring in the background. Slowly and carefully I began being pulled into the realm of tired and I was watching a slow picture film of a couple. Suddenly it happened. I was in the dream and I was on the couch with Ted. He had his muscular arms and huge hands wrapped around me like a blanket, an occurrence that happened at least a hundred times while we were together. I was safe, I was comforted, I wasn't alone and we were happy. But just as fast as the dream set in, I snapped awake. Crying. No - it was more like I was balling my eyes out and I didn't understand why. I still don't. Well maybe I do, I'm not that much of an imbecile.

During the day I am the picture of stableness. I can face adversity and all that life throws at me. I enjoy life and laugh as much as I can. I bounce back, I feel good, I'm having a great time doing the things I've been wanting to do for two years. I deal very well with situations, yet this still has me sad. Sadder than I've ever been. He did me dirty and it hurt more than anything I've ever experienced. I've said it before and I'll keep saying it, I deserve so much better, yet I still cry. I hurt. I feel so much for someone who gave so little. Do I still need closure from him? Or am I just that desperate for love? I think its the former rather than the latter. I want to face him and tell him what a dick he was for what he did. I want to tell him what a loser he is and will most definitely turn out to be. I want him to know the pain I've felt. I want to yell, scream and punch - but I won't. I'll go on with my life. I'll never see him again, I won't try to talk to him because I'm not that pathetic. I'll write about it, I'll talk to my friends and the healing will continue. I'll carry on....alone. By myself. Defending and warding off the emotional roller coaster that was my life for 2 years. I'll be happy, I'll smile and I'll laugh like it was my last.

Because my life should not revolve around the past and who I love. My life should revolve around me.

1 comment:

Anne Arkham said...

Meredeth, you are a picture of stableness even when you think you are falling apart. You are a Warrior Princess.