Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Rating System

Not much to say today, so this one is going to be fun. It might not make a ton of sense and its slightly gay, but screw you, I don't care.

A few years ago I came up with my own rating system. You know what I'm talking about - the 1-10 opposite sex rating system. Say a #1 was Erkle and a #10 was Brad Pitt. (By the way, have you seen the movie Troy. Three words, Oh. My. God. - I totally need to do the Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise thing with Brad Pitt). Where was I?

Well ratings systems just didn't cut it for me so I came up with my own. A few things to make note of, when you are rated on my list, you can be that score and everything below it as well. Get it? Ok, well afterward you will understand. The other thing is, the top spot was amended after the frist time I spoke to Ted. He really is stupid so I had to amend the list because of him. You'll see.

  1. In the Pocket - sometimes when you meet a guy, you think he's cute, he's funny and a good guy. But we all know nice guys finish last right? So these are the guys that you don't want to have any sexual relations with, but you would love to stick them in your pocket and carry them around with you nonetheless. You take them out to play whenever it pleases you and they make you laugh. In summary, they are good peeps with not a shot in hell.
  2. Huggable - these guys are the guys who only get hugs when you see them. They are very huggable men and well that's it.
  3. Smoochable - these guys you just HAVE to kiss. They are adorable and you want to smooch them at the first chance - kind of like when you are 28 and the boy hitting on you is only 21 - you can't really do anything with him, but you can't help but want to suck his face.
  4. You Can Touch Me, But I'm Not Touching You - Some guys you know have talents, it just oozes from them. But that means that they've been around. In a way you want to lay there and just have them pleasure you, without really ever touching them.
  5. I Can Touch you, But You Can't Touch Me - again, some guys you just can't help but want to touch them all over and figure our every part of their bodies. Unfortunately, there is just something about them that keeps you at bay. Its like you don't want to be disappointed if he looks yummy, but he can't deliver. Ahem.
  6. Crawl - This is being amended right here and now to "Jumping on his Head" - there are guys that at first glance, the first thing you want to do is crawl all the way up their bodies and attack them. Thus Jumping on his head. Whoop! Oh Boy!
  7. Horizontal Mambo - this is pretty self explanatory - but just in case you are a dumb ass, this means you want to sleep with him. No doubt about it, you just have to have sex with this person. Example, if Hugh Jackman, Brad Pitt or Collin Ferrell were to proposition me, there isn't a chance in hell I would say no. This could be a booty call or monogamous. Your choice.

Now this rating system was pretty stable for at least a year, until the first time I spoke to Ted. You see Ted and I knew each other by sight for awhile. Then one day he comes into my office and proceeds to speak to me for an hour. The ENTIRE time I'm thinking to myself, "Its a damn shame that he's as dumb as a stump." Therefore, I had to amend this last one to two choices.

ADDENDUM TO #7 - Horizontal Mambo..A Or B

a. Horizontal Mambo - I'm making you breakfest.

b. Horizontal Mambo - Get the fuck out.

That about covers it. From this point onward I will refer to men on this scale and this scale alone. I find it rather descriptive and on target. A few of my friends have adapted it and now we know where the other stands on these things. Please feel free to use it when referring to the opposite sex when you email me or even with your friends. Its all good in Mer's hood.

Smoochie Poochies everyone and Boomshanka!


irritable chap said...

I'm so glad that I'm thousands of miles away, I'm not sure I'd like to know which of the lower echelons I'd achieve!

NCTRNL said...

Well at least I now know where I stand. Lovely...

Anne Arkham said...

I am laughing so hard! I especially agree with "You can touch me but I"m not touching you" and "I can touch you ,but you can't touch me". Sometimes I guy has, like, a nice butt you can't help squeezing, but really gross hands, etc.