Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Mid Life Crisis

Not much to say today people. My life is becoming a series of mundane events. Oh yeh sure I go out and and party it up on the weekends, but nothing special is going on. I haven't started any of the "hobbies" I've been meaning to start and I doubt you people want to hear that I just dumped $1300 smackers into my car for two new tires, 4 rotors and 4 sets of brakes leaving me poorer than po'. Trying to live over the next two weeks shall be interesting to say the least.

Last night I went and watched my former softball team play. I coached this team for 2 years and was a member for 5. This year due to back problems and Ted problems I decided not to play. Good choice. Maybe next year. I have to say though, I was a little disappointed. My memories of this team were great memories. Nothing but fun, laughter and good times. Yet last night was pretty lame and very disappointing. During the game the bench was quiet. After the game was the same. No more are the days with loud music, coolers overflowing with beer, dancing, flirting, joking and trash talking after each game. Sad, so very sad. Then again everyone is growing up, people are changing and I can't show up and it be the same. It all changes eventually. But this is an example that, no you can never go back.

Its kind of sobering I guess. At one time we all would laugh so much, drink way too much and horse around like idiots. Not anymore. Everyone has moved on and at one time I had too, but now I'm back where I started. At least I recognize that I can't go back. I'm not part of that world so much anymore and I can't just show up and think I'll be transported back to those good times. My expectations are always higher than reality. That's one of my downfalls.

I want to feel like I belong. Not the softball thing - I want to feel like I belong somewhere. Like Norm when he would walk into Cheers. Ok that involves a bar and drinking (nothing wrong with that I guess). But I do like my liver and I don't have the funds to drink every night. What I'm trying to convey is a sense of belonging, fitting in and feeling right. At this moment in time I'm in a constant state of limbo. I have no home in the respect that I'm not 100% comfortable anywhere. I'm home living in the room I grew up in, yet it all feels so temporary. Sure I can move out and get my own place, but that involves money and that's not something I have right now or at least I have, but I'm not willing to live paycheck to paycheck just for a little more space.

I'm used to having someone so close to me, a place to be. Someone's arms to call home and right now I'm lacking in that department. I don't need anyone and I'm fighting off the temptation to jump into another relationship. I want special, I want more. But I'm too fucked up from disappointment to function right now in a relationship. I don't want to harp on this topic, but its true.

I'm not as lonely as I thought I'd be. Yes sometimes I see my friends and how happy they are and I have a tinge of jealously. Sometimes I wish I had someone who was in the same predicament as myself so its not about the boys, who's attractive and who hit on me or said this or that. Sometimes I just want to talk about a good book, or a movie that was on last night - or even the latest Sportscenter broadcast. Anything but men. But in the same token, I do want to talk about those things, just not all the time.

Its been a little lonely, but I'm not unfortunate. I have good friends, God knows how much I enjoy hanging out with Trixie and all the trouble we can cause. Its always a good time when we chill. And I love hanging out with B, but he's always so busy, I mean we used to go to dinner a lot, but that's kind of fallen off since he got his shore house. Then there's Joey, but he gets a little creepy sometimes and then berates me when I don't hang out with him because I want to do something else. He's killing me. Kelly is always a good time and I wish we hung out more, but she's got issues with her boyfriend and until they break up, it will be hard to hang. I want to do more and be more. I flip between becoming a party girl and a complete recluse. Does that make sense?

I'm even contemplating getting a second job to fill my time and pay my bills. I'm suffocating on my own silence, my own behavior. Too much time to think can cause mass destruction. Nope, not doin' it. I'm becoming cynical and depressed. This doesn't make sense right now, I'm sure, because its a recent revelation that I'm trying to deal with.

Is it possible to have a mid-life crisis at the ripe ol' age of 28?

Answer me this people: Are you happy? Are you doing the things that you truly thought you'd be doing? Is life what you thought it would be? Do you want more? Am I alone in this? What do you truly want?

I've learned that nothing is truly ever out of our reach, its just a matter of what you are willing to do for it. I know what I want, but the sacrifices are so great. It would mean giving up the life I currently have and being completely alone in order to obtain it. Its something that I'm trying to decide.

So answer me - what do you truly want in life? No fantasies please.


Matt said...

Dude, I got it.... read the blog and weep baby!

Anne Arkham said...

What do I truly want in life? I want to be safe, physically and emotionally, and I want to be able to be myself, and I want to love someone who loves me back.

Also, jewelry.