Friday, April 28, 2006
Tomorrow I am supposed to go to a NFL Draft party. I've been looking forward to this for a long time and I was happy to see a few friends I haven't been able to see....that is until I just received a phone call that Ted may be there as well.
SHIT FUCKING ASSHOLE FUCK FUCK
When I heard the news I automatically got sick and I told Joe, "I'm not going." to which he replied, "He said the same thing." My feeling is this - I was invited first, Joe's girlfriend is going because I'm going and if Ted really doesn't want to be around me, then he can go fuck himself and go to another party. If anything I'll ruin his time by being there OR he just won't be able to come for the simple fact I'll be there. ASSHOLE. I hate him.
I don't think I'm ready to see him again though - in all seriousness. I'm not in love with him, I hate him, but what disappoints me most is the fact that all this dating I've done, well I have yet to meet someone who I have that simple connection with. Its so sad that this person who could have been my everything is such an asshole. The hate comes from the disappointment. It comes from my own stupidity for being with him for so long. For believing he would change, for putting faith into a waste of flesh like himself. God I hate him for provoking this feeling from me every time there is a threat of seeing him.
I hate him and I hate myself more for allowing him to have this effect. My stomach hurts now and I just want to go home. I want to cry, I want run away. My eyes are tearing up because there is still so much hurt and pain.
I'll let you all know Monday what happens. Wish me luck - luck that he doesn't show.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Hey guys - check it, I'm a blonde. Who would have thunk it right? This isn't the best picture since it was taken with my camera phone last night, but you get the idea. Its hot.
Tonight I'm headed to the Yankee game. At first I was pretty stoked about it, but now I'm kind of dreading it. You need the scenario and the facts so here they are.
Trixie is now dating the brother of Peter. Do you remember Peter? Peter was dating Agnus and she caused this riff between us because Peter hit on me while dating her - he used to do it all the time even before they dated but whatever. Anyway, tonight Trixie organized this whole game excursion and now its her, her boyfriend, our friend H (I've made out with him last summer), Peter and their other brother. Back in the day we were all friends and all was good with the world, but now there is a tension - not by my doing either. Part of me wants to tell them all to fuck off, but another part just wants things to be chill like they used to be. It won't happen though...to bad.
So its all of them and me. I'm sooo the outsider tonight and I'm not sure how I'll deal - I'll probably sit back and chill and not offer up by way of conversation. Of course orginally I was bringing a friend but their police training is not ending until late so I'm ass out on that home front.
I did however get my sister to agree to come and we'll chill major and have a great time - but still, I have to see all these dufus' and that's not cool. Trixie isn't understanding 100% why I feel like an outsider but then again she's in lover's bliss right now. I'm happy for her, totally, but she needs to tone it down a bit...just a tad.
Even when I try to stay out of the loop, out of the drama - it still finds me. What is that? I dont' want to drop friends and I've made quite a few new ones, but still its not easy. Whatever.
I'm really quite comfortable with things lately so this is just a small blip in the system, I'm sure I'll be fine.
That's about it for now. Have a great day and I'll be chatting with you soon.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Sure I am still helping my parents with money – hell yesterday alone I wrote close to $1000 in bills, but its all good. And yes there is no man in my life – but that’s old news, I’m used to being alone at this point. And no, my car still hasn’t been sold and I’m still living at home (not by choice). I haven’t lost the 10 lbs. I promised myself I would lose and I still think about the loyalties of some friends…
None of it matters. None. Its all small potatoes compared to the bigger picture…the outlook I’m now viewing as my motivation to keep on keeping on.
Last week I came to a realization…yes I’ve discussed this realization before, this theory, but its never sunk in and hit me so hard as when the chips were down last week. I can’t believe someone is going to save me and make it better – so I applied to school again and if all goes well, I’ll be back in classes on May 22nd. Good for me. I also haven’t been hanging out with my friends as much – opting to switch it up and see people I haven’t seen in a while. I’m being more diverse and letting more people into my life.
It’s a good thing.
I am more comfortable with me and I don’t’ need the kick ass wild times that I was having – although they still occur. Hell two Friday’s in a row I pulled all nighters – but I don’t feel the urge to share them like I used to and I don’t know why. Its odd I guess, but I’m not going to analyze – I accept it for what it is and I do what I want to now. The good thing about being single is not having to worry about another person, I’m left to my own devices….which normally gets me in trouble, but its good trouble. I like it – I like me and I’m happy.
Certainly there are times that I wish things were different, but the reality of the matter is, I have to make them different. I have to make them better and I’m doing that. I do wish I was living on my own, but family needs me now – everything will happen in due time. All of it…when the time is right.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
My sister has been talking up this guy that works for my brother-in-law for two years now. She'd tell me stories about him and how if I was single she would love to set us up because he's so funny and wonderful blah blah blah. But even when I became single, I kind of blew it off because things are supposed to happen when they happen, I wasn't pushing anything, plus my brother-in-law had his reservations about the whole thing. Understandable, I've known my brother-in-law shince I was 9 and this is also an employee of his.
Its two years later and my sister becomes part of the cult....she becomes a MySpacer...(GASP!!). Its all in good fun and she's reconnected with a lot of old friends and whatnot. But this guy....Joseph is on MySpace and of course quickly becomes a friend on her list. Somehow, someway him and I become friendly online and chit chat leaving comments and whatnot for about a good two months. Every once in a while he'll invite me out to hang with his crew and I do the same but schedules never truly mesh so it doesn't happen right away - again, we're talking a good 2-3 months here until...
One day things work out and we finally decide to hang. To make a long story short, I meet up with him and his crew....not expecting a damn thing other than chilling with my girl Nicole and maybe meeting some new peeps. At this point I'm not looking for a man, I've been hanging back doing my own thing.
The second, I mean....the SECOND we make eye contact its evident something is going on. We both ignore our friends and yap the whole night, drinking, laughing, dancing....having a ball. I mean it was a blast!!!...and then he starts making advances on me. I'm like "Whoa....alright, I can do this." and of course he winds up kissing me. Well that's it, the gloves are off and so are we. I mean it was something out of left field for me, but whatever, I'm not a kill a joy so I go along with it, plus he's sooo much fun. He's the male version of me.
I give him a ride home (Nicole and I came in separate cars and he came with a friend so its all good). We get back to his place and I meet his amazing dog and then he's on me like white on rice....and its hot. We're on the couch, the chair and somehow wind up on the floor. We're rolling all over one another - its getting crazy...but there is no way in hell I'm sleeping with him....but I'm having fun. We call it a night, we have some good laughs....it ends there.
The following week is St. Patty's Day and I have big plans...but again, my plans always get bashed and things change. Trixie and I are at a bar with H and H gets so loaded he can't come with us to Hoboken where my friends Joe and B are. I'm pissed because we delayed everything so he could come and now we've missed our opportunity to get to Hoboken because it gets PACKED there. But guess what? Joseph is available and at a bar not far from where we are. I pack up Trixie and we're off.
Again, the second I see him, we're all about each other. I'm mingling, I'm having a grand ol' time and he asks me to see him again the following night....low key - his place. Ok - fine by me.
Saturday night I get to his place and its again, another great time. We talked for 3 hours straight, yes we had some wine, but it was going very very well. I'm getting the vibe, I'm putting out the vibe, but keeping my distance....untill he kisses me....and then all bets are off. We go at it and its intense and wonderful....everything I've been needing, everything I've been wanting. WHOOP OH BOY!...and yes, I make the fatal mistake of sleeping with him. The next day I have no regrets, but I do tell him that until him and I figure stuff out, I don't want my brother and sister knowing what is going on. Its ok to be friends, but I dont' want them all up in my business.
The next few weeks we hang out at bars in groups, I visit him at his place, he takes ill for a little over a week, but we continue having a good time, but its not taking off the way it should. We have pretty good sex, but I'm starting to feel like its not going anywhere and I really want to talk to him about it. Its not bothering me that we are relaxed and chill like that, but it bothers me that when we are together I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but outside of physical presence....he's just not around. So I decide I have to talk to him. I have to get this off my chest. We have plans to meet last Wednesday, but he gets pretty banged up at the Yankee game and it doesn't happen. Damn. Ok - next time. We have plans for Friday night....but then the movers don't come on time to help move his dad so he has to cancel. Strike two. He does call me later in the evening around 10:30 to tell me they got done and they are going to a bar if I want to come with. Fine, my friends are leaving the bar anyway, I might as well go see him. I get to the bar and things are a little strained but he's putting out the vibe. Another good time and then that night he tells me, "We are so going to dinner next week." Cool I think to myself I can talk to him then, but I will be a nice girl and talk to him BEFORE we go to dinner and not during. I've got this whole plan.
Doesn't happen that way. NOPE - instead I get an email that he doesn't feel we have "it" and that he doesn't want to string me along. What is that? That's what he's been doing all along. I don't know if I'm more pissed about the email or the fact that he beat me to it. I haven't really analyzed it, if anything I've learned my lesson...I dont sleep with people so fast, but I allowed it this time. Idiot.
Here I am back at square one again. I'm not upset over him...no that's the funny part, normally I would be a basket case, but I guess I take comfort in the fact that I knew I didn't want anything with him any longer...but DAMN - an email??? I do take solice in the fact that I called him out on it...and then called him a homo - but that's another story. LOL.
I live and I learn.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
So I wrote about that guy yesterday...the one I've been seeing, the one I'm on the fence about. he one I was apprehensive to write about for fear of jinxing......guess what? Today I get an "I'm not feeling this anymore" email. You just can't make this shit up.
First, what is that? An email. Come on now. Second, I don't know if I'm more pissed that it was an email or that he beat me to the punch. I have to laugh about it all though. Really I do. At least its over and I can breathe again not worrying if its going to work or not.
Here I am again...back in the saddle. I never really was exclusive with him so that's a good thing, I didn't kill all my back burners....but I think that I'll take it easy for a bit.
Its funny because at first I was like WTF? I didn't get it, like was I really reading this email? But then I was like, "Wait a minute, I wasn't all that interested anyway....why cry over spilled milk right?" I think its all worked out for the best.
I think the real hurdle for me was when I was writing a blog post for my myspace account and I discussed the differences in my male and female friends and their advice. I wrote:
"My girlfriends upon hearing the shitty ass news tried to console me. They sent me emails, text messages and called me to make sure I was ok (yes, this news was that bad). Those are my girls, my support system, they are my true friends. LOVE THEM. I don't know where I would be without them.
However, my guy friends upon hearing the same shitty ass news did not email me, text me or call me with words of encouragement - instead they invited me out drinking. The funny part is, get a few drinks into men and they love to analyze, critique and give their opinion, they just do it differently than my girls. I find it funny - I love it that for all their macho behavior, they really are a bunch of yentas.
You see, girls look at things emotionally, they attach a feeling to an idea, whereas men take the idea for what it is, chop it up and move on once they've settled on a hypothesis that's agreeable to them. Girls can't do that until they have an emotional sentiment of closure. That's the difference between my friends....that's why I need both in my life for their analytical prowess of gossip, conjecture, humor and love.
Both sets of friends served their purpose well and I went home to bed in a much better mood than I had been all day. Of course it was short lived as my day of shit almost and I stress "almost" turned to two days of shit when I received an email this morning that could very well have left me feeling rather unsettled the rest of the day. Let's be honest, who can really survive two days of being punched in the neck? But alas that is not to happen....you know why? Because why sweat the small stuff? The very people I just wrote about are the ones who help my fuel economy so that I don't waste energies where I don't need to. I have great friends and writing this is yet another example of how fortunate I am to have them. I love you guys. MWAH!"
And its the truth - right in the midst of writing this, I instantly felt better. I am in a great mood right now...and its amazing to me because a year ago I thought I couldn't live without a man in my life...now I can't imagine having one. Its odd.
Happy Anniversity to this blog which turned 1 year old on April 14th. Thank you for your support guys....I love ya.
Monday, April 17, 2006
If you see this cocksucking, asshole muther fucker dickbag piece of shit waste of flesh oxygen eating worthless crap - please shoot on site.
I haven't had to deal with his sorry ass in 6 months, but I just received a notice of collection that I'm being sued because this ass fuck was making 900 calls on my phone back in February 2005. I heard the recording and everything. I hate this son of a bitch with every morsel of my body. HATE - strong word but funny how it doesn't touch the sentiments I truly have.
Does it stop? EVER? Please tell me yes...please tell me that I will once and for all be done with his dumb fucking life interferring with mine.
What I will tell you is that I've been - I guess the correct term would be "seeing" him for a while now and at first, when I first met him I was over joyed at the prospect of him. I felt that if there was someone who could potentially break through my wall of comittment phobia, it would be him. It was just that good.
I don't want to get into too much detail, he is after all still a part of my life, but we've only seen each other rather sporadically....when we see each other its either out with a group of friends or its at his place watching a movie and (cough cough) doing other stuff. (Go Mer!).....but anyway, we have yet to have a real date. Oh sure he was really sick for about a week or two and this Saturday he said, "We are so going out to dinner this week." - but the night before he was a little flimsy in his demeanor toward me around friends. I'm not sure how to read it all because my gut is telling me something....bugging me. I'm not used to a guy not being so present in my life once they are interested. I'm not used to not knowing what is up. Its all very new.
But I will say this, I've been just as lax. I haven't been up his ass - oh hell to the no. I won't do that ever again. Plus, I like to keep my back burners, but this guy....well I thought he was special enough to keep all the back burners at arms length, which I have done. Come on now, who are we talking about here? Mer is playing the field until someone says otherwise.
For the most part, we are extremely compatible, we get along very well, but its nagging me that he's not exactly very forthcoming with the dating issue. Does that make sense? A few times I've had the opportunity to ask him what it was that we had going on, but I didn't and I don't know why. Do you think it could be because I already know it won't go the distance? I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I'm allowing my insecurities with men dictate what happens to them. I'm proud of the fact that I haven't been whining about it and carrying on. I'm proud that I don't let him dictate my life. But he would have to be a complete ass to assume that he is the only guy interested in me. Sheesh.
That's about it for now...that's where I am as far as relationships go. Everything else is rather peachy keen. I have more to write on the topic, but I fear it might cause that inevitable jinx....then again maybe I already know what direction this is headed therefore its ok I write about it. Huh - now there's a thought.
My current thoughts on this guy are when should I say enough is enough? When should I make the decision that his lack of a wanted presence in my life isn't enough? I think I'll see if we do actually have a dinner date this week. If we do, I'll guage my decision on the dinner and see if we talk about "us" at all. If we don't have the date and I don't have clear answers, then its hasta la pasta for him.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
That’s how I feel about second chances…unless the consequences of said event warrants a “you are dead to me” kind of reaction then in most cases its ok. Because let’s be honest, sometimes you can’t forgive an individual for the hurt and pain they’ve caused. Other than that, I’ve learned that people aren’t perfect, they fuck up and so do I.
We’ve all received second chances and even rewarded others with them. They can be work related, friendship related, even family related but for the sake of this post we’ll focus more on the relationship aspect of a second chance.
For me, when you break up with someone you can’t go back. The hurt is there, the pain ever present. It takes a lot from both individuals to work past that and I find that many people aren’t capable because one or the other isn’t wiling to put in the effort. Second chances in love are far and few between and seldom work out. I know plenty of people who have gone back to ex’s, but think about it, how many times did that truly work in their favor when it was a dismal relationship to begin with? Pain and stubbornness….true killers.
My question is - Is dating any different? I’m not so cynical to admit that when its right, its right, but a first date can’t always be perfect, it just doesn’t happen. Do you give it another whirl or do you accept it for what it is/was? Now I’m a little old fashioned and I’ll wait for the guy to call me, sure it doesn’t always work out, but how else will I weed out those who aren’t interested in me? Its kind of simple, but some women/men can’t push aside their ego long enough to realize that perhaps the other person simply wasn’t feeling you.
I have a friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend and she finds herself in these predicaments quite a lot with new men. She’s not used to being alone and will make excuses for a man’s lack of presence just so in her minds eye, she’s not alone. She will pine for him until she receives even the slightest of communication taking it as “a sign” that he’s still interested. There is only so much advice to give her and the best I do is tell her this. My feeling is that if someone wants to be with you, they make themselves more present in your life…they make themselves and their feelings known. How much can you chuck off to bad timing? There is a fine line and you have to read in between….some people are finicky and they’ll lead you around by the nose, that’s when they don’t get a second chance. Nope – can’t do it because when you snooze, you lose. I told her, you have to have some kind of self respect because if you don’t, then who will? You are giving a green light to everyone to step all over you.
It comes down to a matter of opinion and reading your gut. In a time when its all about playing the game, you have to step up to the plate and make some executive decisions about who does and who does not get a second chance otherwise its something taken for granted.
A second chance, if anything, gives you yourself more clarity because then you can formulate your own love hypothesis and decide if this is something to pursue or not. Second chances aren’t only for the person who fucked up, but also can be closure for the fuckee. Think about it.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
But here's where it gets awkward, there is still that "connection" that we had - the what if factor still looms over our heads leaving us in a state of limbo....no one wants to cross "that" line. He is married after all and I'm single. I don't want any compromising situations arising....so I nipped it in the bud already.....and I don't know where that leaves us. I want to be his friend, I KNOW the line and I don't want to cross it and it doesn't make me comfortable that I had to set things straight. NOTHING happened, no comments that were inappropriate were made, but there was a sense that it could and I don't want that. Now I think its going to be all awkward and stuff. Yuk. I did the right thing, I did what I had to do. I can't help but feel its not fair - two people can't be friends even though they only will ever be friends. sticky.
This isn't the first time I've had this happen either. I'm not by any stretch of the imagination a beauty pageant winner, but I've been told that I'm attractive and I think what helps is my personality - in saying that men feel more apt to talk to me and open up. Its ok, but when a man isn't getting attention at home, they see a pretty face that they can relate to and these notions of grandeur appear. I hate it. If I had a boyfriend it would be a different story, but right now I'm veiwed as a threat and that's so not the case.
Aye dios mio.
The most notorious occurence happened to me in high school - although not an isolated case - by far the most significant. I always dated older guys out of high school - I never dated anyone from school. Too many rumors, everyone always knew what was going on, never any privacy. I was smart. But all my "guy" friends had crushes on me and their girlfriends didn't appreciate it. Even if I was friends with both of them BEFORE they were together, it never worked, the girl would inevitably wind up jealous. Sigh. So sad.
Tim and I became friends Sophmore year....we were inseperable at school. I was dating George and Tim was dating a girl from another school. I was also friendly with Nancy - we had no bones with each other. But it became popular knowledge that Tim liked me. To be honest, if I was single I might have dated him, but I was in love with George. I can remember clear as day Tim telling me that if I ever broke up with George to give him a chance. I laughed it off of course. Tim was devestated when I started dating Glenn though. By god was he because he was single at the time it occurred - that's when he started dating Nancy.
All of a sudden I was the enemy. She hated me....of course because I was friends with a lot of people, she didn't exactly make her dislike for me very known, but it was there. Evident. On the day of our graduation I got in a big fight with Glenn and we basically broke up. I was devestated....and Tim clung to my side the entire time. That night at project graduation Tim and Jeremy sat there and tried to make me feel better....at Nancy's expense too. He ignored her all night and at about 1:00 a.m., Nancy came around with every piece of jewelry Tim had every given her and said, "Give this to your new girlfriend Meredith."
After that night I never say Tim, nor Nancy ever again.....but guess who ran the 10 year reunion this past November? Nancy. And guess who she married? Tim. Go figure.
It would have been awkward to say the very least. Not that that was the sole reason why I didn't go, but it totally factored it in. Maybe I'll go to the next one.
Anyway, so its happened again. Not that Fisch's wife said anything....she probably doesn't even know we are friends, I mean its only been a little over a week. Still, I didn't want to be stuck in the middle, I didn't even want a chance that any "feelings" could be noticed.
I'm not happy about it....at all. Partly because it was nice to talk to him again. He's funny, he made me laugh again.....my life is becoming rather serious lately and it was nice to forget for a minute. Very nice.