Friday, April 28, 2006

I hate him

Last week or the week before I told you all that if you saw Ted - shoot him on site.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go to a NFL Draft party. I've been looking forward to this for a long time and I was happy to see a few friends I haven't been able to see....that is until I just received a phone call that Ted may be there as well.


When I heard the news I automatically got sick and I told Joe, "I'm not going." to which he replied, "He said the same thing." My feeling is this - I was invited first, Joe's girlfriend is going because I'm going and if Ted really doesn't want to be around me, then he can go fuck himself and go to another party. If anything I'll ruin his time by being there OR he just won't be able to come for the simple fact I'll be there. ASSHOLE. I hate him.

I don't think I'm ready to see him again though - in all seriousness. I'm not in love with him, I hate him, but what disappoints me most is the fact that all this dating I've done, well I have yet to meet someone who I have that simple connection with. Its so sad that this person who could have been my everything is such an asshole. The hate comes from the disappointment. It comes from my own stupidity for being with him for so long. For believing he would change, for putting faith into a waste of flesh like himself. God I hate him for provoking this feeling from me every time there is a threat of seeing him.

I hate him and I hate myself more for allowing him to have this effect. My stomach hurts now and I just want to go home. I want to cry, I want run away. My eyes are tearing up because there is still so much hurt and pain.

I'll let you all know Monday what happens. Wish me luck - luck that he doesn't show.

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