Tuesday, April 25, 2006

In Due Time

Its been an interesting few weeks to say the least. I know I haven’t been writing to this site as much and the reason is simple. I don’t need to anymore. I don’t find that I analyze and second guess myself as much as I used to. My life isn’t exactly perfect – hell I’m dealing with more issues now than ever, difference is that now I know who I am. I am comfortable with me and I make better choices as a result of knowing me and reading my gut better.

Sure I am still helping my parents with money – hell yesterday alone I wrote close to $1000 in bills, but its all good. And yes there is no man in my life – but that’s old news, I’m used to being alone at this point. And no, my car still hasn’t been sold and I’m still living at home (not by choice). I haven’t lost the 10 lbs. I promised myself I would lose and I still think about the loyalties of some friends…

None of it matters. None. Its all small potatoes compared to the bigger picture…the outlook I’m now viewing as my motivation to keep on keeping on.

Last week I came to a realization…yes I’ve discussed this realization before, this theory, but its never sunk in and hit me so hard as when the chips were down last week. I can’t believe someone is going to save me and make it better – so I applied to school again and if all goes well, I’ll be back in classes on May 22nd. Good for me. I also haven’t been hanging out with my friends as much – opting to switch it up and see people I haven’t seen in a while. I’m being more diverse and letting more people into my life.

It’s a good thing.

I am more comfortable with me and I don’t’ need the kick ass wild times that I was having – although they still occur. Hell two Friday’s in a row I pulled all nighters – but I don’t feel the urge to share them like I used to and I don’t know why. Its odd I guess, but I’m not going to analyze – I accept it for what it is and I do what I want to now. The good thing about being single is not having to worry about another person, I’m left to my own devices….which normally gets me in trouble, but its good trouble. I like it – I like me and I’m happy.

Certainly there are times that I wish things were different, but the reality of the matter is, I have to make them different. I have to make them better and I’m doing that. I do wish I was living on my own, but family needs me now – everything will happen in due time. All of it…when the time is right.

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