Wednesday, January 21, 2009


We had been mis-communicating for months. It was one strained conversation after another and something was always feeling "off" about us. Finally after putting myself through silent torture I decided to speak up because I could not go another day making pretend – the big elephant in the room suffocating me drawing all the breath from my lungs. As usual, we had just been on the phone together and it was yet more stupid banter with no substance. Immediately after putting the phone down, I grabbed it again and texted him (god I hate texting), but I wrote, "What is wrong with us? Why can't we communicate like we used to?" – To my horror he replied, "I don't know. I think my feelings have changed."

It was the answer I KNEW about, but the sword still slashed at my neck, throat, heart and stomach. He severed me. I didn't waste time and dialed his ass right there and had the conversation he was too coward to breach. We spoke about how the few weeks leading up to that moment had been unfulfilling, and how awkward things had been. Despite me trying to speak to him, I don't think I got a whole lot of answers. No - he still cared about me, no - he wasn't seeing anyone else, and yes - he could yell from the mountain tops I am an unbelievable woman. "Do you still want to be with me?" I asked. That's when he did the absolute worst thing he could have done……he hesitated.

GASP! Why would hesitation be worse than the word no? Because it meant he was a coward, it meant he didn't have the balls to say what he meant leaving me to stand in limbo like he been doing for so many weeks. But guess what? It blew up in his face. I've dealt with indecisive men before so I didn't give him the chance to respond, instead my self-preservation blurted out, "No, you don't get to answer. It doesn't matter what you say, you hesitated and I will not be with someone who hesitates. I….deserve….better"

It wasn't immediately about pride, it wasn't about making him feel bad, it was about getting it over with. If I had sat there and kept talking to him we probably could have resolved stuff – probably could have worked through it and tried to continue. But I had had enough. I was done trying and was incredibly upset because I had to be the strong one, the one who broached the subject, the one who had to end it all.

Do I regret saying that? No not at all. Actually it's the one proud moment from that conversation I take away with pride. And to this moment I don't feel wrong for feeling that way. The man I'm going to spend my life with won't hesitate, he knows blue and true he wants to be with me through any storm. The man I want to be with doesn't need to think, its instinct.

In recent days I've had a multitude of vivid dreams about him. Little things still trigger memories of him that ultimately lead to dreaming about him at night. I wind up waking up in the morning still feeling like I belong to someone….someone still loves me, thinks about me and wants to wrap his arms around me. But that's just it; we were in a long distance relationship so those things didn't happen on the regular. It has me believing that I miss the idea of him and not so much him.

To this day I still grapple with some things. I have some unresolved issues and normally I'm very good with introspection, but this one has me confused. It has me wondering why I can't exactly forget about him. He wasn't the end all be all, he wasn't even someone I considered spending the rest of my life with, but on the flip side, he never gave me a reason not to date him, not to be with him. Perhaps its just me being let down AGAIN, not wanting to believe that I let someone in AGAIN and they only hurt me…AGAIN.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Facebook Forward....Not So Much

I received one of those "Forwards" from a friend on Facebook – (God do you get this shit also???) – anyway I deleted it and ignored it because it only mildly intrigued me and wasn't enough to take my attention away from the other list of 50 some odd things to be accomplished in the next 24 hours. But as other people responded, I thought to myself – what would be the 16 things I want others to know about me? Should I talk about pet peeves, loves of my life or that I secretly like to pick at my toenails when I get out of the shower? I decided not to. Not because I cared if they judged me, but because everyone has a little gross thing they do in private. It just wasn't special enough. No it had to be more than just an idiosyncrasy so common it was expected. If I was going to take time out and sit at my computer it had to be things I've never shared. I sat for a moment and let it flow – my fingers began moving across the keys and a list flowed out of me – no effort. I'm sharing this here because when it boiled right down to it, I wasn't sure if a few people could take my honesty. Oh well, for my own purposes, its here now.

  1. My hands are not feminine…yes they are small, but they look just like my dad's meat hooks.
  2. I've known how to do stained glass since I was 6. Unfortunately I have not practiced in a VERY long time. Its something my dad and I spent many hours doing in our garage.
  3. The first words out of my mouth when my ex-husband proposed were "you are so not doing this to me." That should have been a sign.
  4. Which brings me to the fact that I have been proposed to more than once, but I said no. I do not plan to get married ever again. It's something I have thought long and hard about and most people do not believe me when I say this. For some reason they think I'm blowing smoke up their ass. Go figure.
  5. I made varsity softball my freshman year in high school and quit 5 weeks later so I could become a lifeguard. Which I did for 2 years….but I made varsity again so no worries.
  6. I can hold my breath for two minutes and have swam the length of an Olympic size pool under water. I heart the water and have loved scuba diving since my first time in St. Lucia. One day when I'm making money again I would like to get my license.
  7. I can draw just about anything but find no inspiration to do so. Put an object in front of me and no problem – consider it done, but I can't make anything up from my imagination.
  8. I fear nothing and I'm dead ass when I say it. I used to fear heights, but no more – I've overcome that fear. Three years ago I went through a lot personally and ever since then, I know I can do it all, see it all and be whatever I want because life only began after that. I admit, that yes I don't like bugs, but that's just because if there is someone else to deal with it, why should I?
  9. I know what age I'm going to die. Don't ask me because it freaks most people out and I don't need to brag about it. I just know that 2 out of 3 of my premonitions have come to fruition – the last hasn't happened yet because it's the age I'm speaking of. I'm ok with this. No really, I am. I decided if anything, it's a push to live my life richer because what's the worst that happens….I don't die and I've done more with myself…….
  10. …..Which leads me to this point - I have a list of 50 things I want to do before I die. I've accomplished eight and will complete a ninth by the end of 2009. (Scuba diving is on that list….then again so is being a contestant on "the Price is Right."
  11. If there was one thing I could change about my body, I'd make my hair thicker. I like me the way I am – sure I'd love to lose 10 more pounds, but I'm comfortable just as is.
  12. This is the first time in my life I am in debt, but I know that this too shall pass.
  13. I owned my first house when I was 23.
  14. I have no regrets in life. Not one. If I lived in the past, I would never see my glorious future.
  15. The last time I lost my temper was in May 2005. I put my fist through a window and vowed to never allow anyone to ever get me down or get that much of a rise out of me ever again. So far, so good. No one, nothing is worth that much energy. If you think you can do it, go ahead try, most likely I'll walk away from you.

I will give just about anything one try, whether its food or friendship. I try to expand my horizons because many times in my life, I have done so and come out better for it.

Monday, January 12, 2009

15 Credits and a Degree in Miscellaneous

That's what I'm taking right now. 15 credits, and I can tell you right now, I'm lost in about 2 of the 5 classes right now. I'm not sure if its because these are theoretical classes or because I just can't pay attentioin. Ok that's not fair. I pay attention 90% of the time. Don't judge me - NO ONE can pay attention 100% of the time - let's be honest.

I've got this one class though, its called Rhetorical Criticism. It's ok I guess. I mean I understand everything the professor is talking about, but then he's all over the place. I'm not sure if its th elanguage barrier or just his pure enthusiasm for the subject. Oh and he's got this wild black curly hair that's all over the place - he speaks with a thick French accent and he's Polish. All I can say is that he's very interesting to watch to say the least. He's a little weird looking, but oddly attractive - perhaps I just need to take a cold shower and I'm lowering my standards as a result of my personal drought....but I digress.

Too bad I didn't get credits for the men I date - or have dated. I don't know, if that were the case I might never graduate. It's like each man represents another course that I've either failed or passed and moved on from. When I graduate school will I find my man - like receiving a diploma? That would be nice, I could handle that time frame.

Recently though I admit that I still think about my last boyfriend and I'm not 100% sure why. I cared a lot about him, but even when we were together I knew it wouldn't last, but I still loved him in my own way. He wasn't the love of my life, but he was important. I think because I have so many unanswered questions about him that I still think about him. All of this is coming up of course because I had a dream about him last night. So weird too. I dreamt that he was moving into a new apartment, actually it was an apartment in a house of someone he knew. Anyway, I was there to help him move and I think I asked him about us and he apologized in the dream for being mean to me - which he never was. He just simply didn't want to be with me anymore - asswipe couldn't even tell me that either, I made that decision for him. One day I'll explain, or not. Why would I dream about an apology anyway? Do I need one from him? I'm not really sure. We emailed each other in the beginning of December, but I haven't heard from him since - perhaps I was looking for more closure than I already possessed? Perhaps I'm just getting lonely again??? I'll take that answer before I'll accept that I miss him.

And this is what I DO NOT GET MOST OF ALL.....I'm a good looking girl. I've lost weight, I have a pretty face, I get hit on a lot - but I dont' get asked out on dates. Why is that? Do I ruin it with my big mouth? Actually someone told me the other day that I look intimidating. How so? Was that a compliment? I'm not really sure. All I do know is that its never been easier to meet men than now, yet nothing pans out for me. One day I'll tell you about Gman - another complicated, and misunderstood non-relationship of mine.

I've been single before, I've done the NO DATE, NO SEX thing - actually that lasted 2 years, but now, I would like to have someone to hold hands with - someone to kiss at night. Yet when I think about someone physically standing there holding my hand, I can't picture it. I don't see it nor do I feel it. Does that make sense? Do I need to "visualize the future" in order to attain it? Close my eyes and see a man there with me....Isn't that one of those self-help exercises they make you do? Hhhmmmm food for thought. But then I think about school and my career and I don't want a man complicating it. I'm not strong like so many others, I can't separate my career from men - that's something I need to learn and I might have even mentioned that before. If there is a God, perhaps he's making sure I stick to my plan before a man enters my life. Maybe, just maybe there is a bigger world order working in progress before I can move into a relationship.


We'll see.